Breakup with girlfriend of 4 years after she kissed another man [Update]

[somuchgrief]

Sounds like you had a healthy adult conversation, kudos to the both of you. Now the work is accepting reality. You can do it. Go NC, do the stages of grief and move on. Easy? Nope! You'll get there. Four years is a long time. It won't resolve in a day or a week. It's a process. Good luck!

 

Thanks. I am trying too. My friends are trying to get me to just "rip the band-aid off" by deleting her off my phone, deleting all her social media, and finally removing her from all of our shared accounts, and our credit card.

 

I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet because even a little thing like changing my Amazon Prime password brought on an overwhelming sense of pettiness and sadness in me. Rationally, I know that is dumb, and it just a little account we both shared, and that I have every right to remove her because I pay for it. It just all seems to petty to do all of this a day after breaking up, and I keep imagining her trying to log into these accounts and realizing what I've done and getting hurt and resenting me.

[smackie9]

Thanks. I am trying too. My friends are trying to get me to just "rip the band-aid off" by deleting her off my phone, deleting all her social media, and finally removing her from all of our shared accounts, and our credit card.

 

I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet because even a little thing like changing my Amazon Prime password brought on an overwhelming sense of pettiness and sadness in me. Rationally, I know that is dumb, and it just a little account we both shared, and that I have every right to remove her because I pay for it. It just all seems to petty to do all of this a day after breaking up, and I keep imagining her trying to log into these accounts and realizing what I've done and getting hurt and resenting me.

She's the one that wanted out!!!!!! She don't give a rat's butt anymore about that stuff...this is all you being all melancholy. Time to change the way you think.

[somuchgrief]

I am mostly writing this to distract myself, but I would also really appreciate any advice. The relationship was over 4 years, and breakup is still very fresh. We officially ended it yesterday evening over the phone because we had been long-distance for the last 10 months.

 

This all started when she confessed to kissing another guy at a friend's birthday celebration this past Saturday. It culminated yesterday after I offered to drive the 3.5 hours over to her, and have chat in-person, but she turned down the offer and said she was willing to do it all over the phone. So I came into the conversation a little heated already that she wasn't willing to take the time out of her day to meet me for an hour to talk about our 4-year relationship. However, I was surprised to have it turn out to be a very calm, and level-headed conversation in the end, which may be me giving her more benefit than she deserves.

 

She fully admitted fault to kissing someone else, and for hurting me deeply. She also said that she does not believe that she had feeling for the guy since she really has not thought about him since Saturday, but instead she realized it was a really hurtful attempt by her to get out of our relationship. We just came to a conclusion that we both wanted different things in life, and she realized she had changed so many things about herself in order to make it work. Things that I never asked her to change, but she did it out of blind love and realized if she went through with them long-term she would end up hating herself and me. Ultimately, I told her that after 4 years, I just wanted her to be truly happy. I have always thought that happiness was with me, but clearly it was not going to last, and we would end up resenting each other. Up until that point in the conversation, she had been holding it together and trying to remain deadpan, but that finally caused her to completely open up and cry it all out.

 

I hated how vulnerable she looked and how vulnerable I felt wanting to reach out and comfort her at that moment. So I said that this was probably a good a place as any to end the conversation and she said that maybe if one day I didn’t feel as hurt or betrayed by her, we could talk in person and maybe even become friends later. I told her that would be ideal, but right now I do feel hurt and betrayed, and I probably cannot see her for a while.

 

I want to try and remain cordial with her, and move on with my life, but today has been real rough. I have had to stop myself from texting her several times, asking our mutual friends if she is coping all right, and checking her social media. I haven't done any of that yet because I know it is a line I don't want to cross and obsess about, but damn the urge exists. I went through and removed her access to all my financial accounts, but haven't been able to bring myself to remove her from the little things like Netflix, and Spotify.

 

Is it just better for me to relinquish all hope that we can become friends later on down the road after the pain has passed? I think taking all the steps like removing her from social media, and my other accounts would destroy that possibility because it sends the message that I don't want to see her anymore. It might be better for my short-term recovery though to remove any chance I have of seeing her for the next couple of weeks. However... at some point I do need to see her since we both have a ton of valuable stuff at each other apartments.

 

It has been hard imagining me cutting off all contact from someone that I loved and cared so much about for the last 4 years. A person that I felt like knew everything about me, and my best friend. I keep thinking that I am mature enough to recover from all of this, and one day resume a real friendship with her. Am I just fooling myself?

[somuchgrief]

Thanks everyone for your input. While it sucks to have my relationship end, I do feel a sense of relief in the finality of it all, and having an answer. Everyone was a big help in seeing a variety of opinions, and ways to approach the end of this relationship. All things considered, it ended a lot better than it could have in many other scenarios.

 

Now it just time for me to continue on with my life, and recover as quickly as I can. I already know the next few weeks are going to be bad, and hopefully I can find some way to cope in a healthy way, but I get the feeling I am about to just dive all-in into work.

 

Hopefully, I am mature enough to get through all of this, and still have some semblance of a friendship with her, but who knows at this point.

[SevenCity]

She's the one that wanted out!!!!!! She don't give a rat's butt anymore about that stuff...this is all you being all melancholy. Time to change the way you think.

 

Seriously. She cheated on you and dumped you and you feel bad not giving her free Prime access?

 

The day my ex ended our 7 year RL I deleted her from LinkedIn (my only social media), changed all my passwords and signed up for Netflix under my own account, removed any trace of her from my computer, phone, and house.

 

Better to do it now than avoid it and have a relapse in a couple months when you have to renew your account and realize she is still on it.

 

It's not about being petty, it's about self preservation. You really want to find out who she is dating next? What movies they might be watching in your recent list?

 

Kill that noise bro. She F'ed you and you are worried about her. Worry about yourself, because she sure isn't and wasn't thinking about you when she had an emotional affair that turned physical with this other dude.

[SevenCity]

{snip}

 

Is it just better for me to relinquish all hope that we can become friends later on down the road after the pain has passed? I think taking all the steps like removing her from social media, and my other accounts would destroy that possibility because it sends the message that I don't want to see her anymore. It might be better for my short-term recovery though to remove any chance I have of seeing her for the next couple of weeks. However... at some point I do need to see her since we both have a ton of valuable stuff at each other apartments.

 

It has been hard imagining me cutting off all contact from someone that I loved and cared so much about for the last 4 years. A person that I felt like knew everything about me, and my best friend. I keep thinking that I am mature enough to recover from all of this, and one day resume a real friendship with her. Am I just fooling myself?

 

yes, you are fooling yourself. She is a cheater and broke your trust.

 

You don't want to be friends. You want her back because you are hurting. I had my ex of 7 years dump me and it destroyed me. But removing anything I could find that reminded me of her helped.

 

She was so upset when she found out I removed her from LinkedIn. So, she dumps me with no reason or warning after 7 years and I'm a jerk for trying to recover?

 

It's tough, trust me I know.

 

What you'll realize about women is they don't love like guys do. It's more conditional.

 

I lived with my ex for the last 3 years of our RL and she was my best friend. Now, she is a stranger to me sans a few quick email exchanges.

 

Box up her crap and send it back now. Send an email asking her to do the same.

 

Then, start dating other women. You'll be a doctor so you will have your choice.

 

As far as how to get over it? Only way is time so you forget and someone better. But next time, realize when they love you it means in that moment while they are feeling good. Take them for granted or use them as a therapist and they will fall out of love.

Edited March 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[somuchgrief]

yes, you are fooling yourself. She is a cheater and broke your trust.

 

You don't want to be friends. You want her back because you are hurting. I had my ex of 7 years dump me and it destroyed me. But removing anything I could find that reminded me of her helped.

 

She was so upset when she found out I removed her from LinkedIn. So, she dumps me with no reason or warning after 7 years and I'm a jerk for trying to recover?

 

It's tough, trust me I know.

 

What you'll realize about women is they don't love like guys do. It's more conditional.

 

 

It has been hurting the most during the times we would always talk like the good morning texts, and the bedtime phone calls. This morning my mind woke me up at 6AM, which is way earlier than I need to be up on a Sunday. I tried to go on Facebook to distract myself, and saw that she was active on messenger. I was rational enough not to message her, but the first thing I could think of was, "I wonder if she is up early and struggling with the same thoughts."

 

I keep re-playing our last conversation in my head, and I did come to the same conclusion as you about how she loved. That's not to say that I have given up on finding unconditionally love, but she was definitely someone who loved me conditionally.

 

One part that stuck out to me during our last conversation was our idea of support in a relationship. She believed that support should always 100% be equal at all times. I told her that I didn't necessarily disagree with that, but I view that equality spread out over the lifespan of a relationship. That two people are not going to have the same amount of suffering and struggles at every moment of each other's lives, and there will be times that one partner will need to lean on the other more.

 

The first 2 years of our relationship, she struggled heavily with mental health issues that stemmed from past traumatic events that she never dealt with personally. There were multiple times that she told me that I should leave because no sane person should have to deal with someone so broken. I couldn't leave though, I was starting to love her, and I wanted nothing more than to take all of her pain unto me. So back then, I double-downed, re-affirmed my commitment to her, and we got her the help that she needed to recover. I asked her if she believed that the support back then was 100% equal. She said that she had forgotten on some level, but she does know that the first 2 years were hard for me, and that I had to shoulder a lot of the support for both of us because she wasn't strong enough.

 

Ultimately, I think I loved her unconditionally, and I really do want to her to keep being mentally healthy, and happy. It just hurt when she said that she could only love me during the times where I was the strong one that could hold us both up, but she was not strong enough to love me when I needed help. She said the first 2-3 years I was the one fighting all our battles, and confidently leading us, but when this last year exposed all my self-doubt and weakness, it made her doubt her happiness in the relationship.

 

I wanted so much to hate her, but I couldn't bring myself to hate someone I cared so much about for 4 years. Instead, I was sad that I never recognized that she was breaking this year, but angry that it came out that way. My emotions the next few weeks are going to cycle uncontrollably, I know that. However, the one that has been consistently appearing is contentment that the right decision was made. On some level, I will always love and care about her, but the relationship had no hope of surviving long-term if we couldn't even survive this trial of long-distance.

 

The only reason I hold out hope that we can one day we can be friends is because I kind of want someone in my life that can tell me my flaws. Someone who knows from experience what it took to build our relationship to the peak, and what it took to break it. Maybe on some level RIGHT NOW, I still want to be with her, but the feeling is fading a little more each time I reflect on everything. I am at peace that it is over, I am just not at peace with all the good memories that we had, and I probably won't be until I can replace them with new ones.

Edited March 18, 2018 by somuchgrief

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, friendship between exes who ended as you two did isn't likely.

 

You want that now, because the pain is still fresh. But after that subsides, you will likely feel most anger toward her and won't want to be her friend. And once that subsides, you'll likely probably feel mostly indifference towards her and be ready to date. You'll leave your ex in the past, as most people eventually do.

 

In short, the desire to be her friend will diminish over time. Don't worry about trying to keep her in your life right now.

[somuchgrief]

Eh, friendship between exes who ended as you two did isn't likely.

 

You want that now, because the pain is still fresh. But after that subsides, you will likely feel most anger toward her and won't want to be her friend. And once that subsides, you'll likely probably feel mostly indifference towards her and be ready to date. You'll leave your ex in the past, as most people eventually do.

 

In short, the desire to be her friend will diminish over time. Don't worry about trying to keep her in your life right now.

 

The funny thing is that I've been mostly successful at keeping exes as friends. Of my previously 3 relationships, I still talk to 2 of them frequently to this day. However, I recognize that this relationship was different.

 

None of the previous 3 made it past 3-6 months, and we ended on a little friendlier terms. Now at 28 years old, I really thought that I had found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in her.

 

After 4 years of learning everything I could about a person, it feels so wasteful to just let them go into the wind without trying to preserve some of that connection. Maybe it is just my regret of the sunk cost, and my desire to want at least a friendship out of the last 4 years.

[SevenCity]

I remember all too clearly the emotional turmoil you are experiencing. She had a big impact on your life and you want to keep at least some part of it.

 

Regarding your other exes, did you love them as deeply? Did you feel the same as you do now when those RLs ended?

 

Love on this level is like a drug and you are not thinking rationally. You have to look at how things played out and ask yourself if you really want this person as a friend. She put all the work on you and bolted when you needed her most. That doesn't sound like good friend material.

 

This will take a long time to get over. I'm 18 months out and still have thoughts of my ex. The difference is they are not as crippling as the beginning when all I wanted to do was kill myself to end the pain. Now I don't but don't care if I die as it appears unlikely I will find someone with whom I can connect with on such a deep level.

 

The emotional problems she had should serve as red flags for future girlfriends. Women with bad childhoods seldom make good long term partners. It's no hit against them, it's just the truth. I see the red flags early now (insecurity, jealousy, etc) that I chose to ignore when I saw them in my ex.

 

I would recommend reading Corey Wayne's book. In the relationship section you'll see where you went wrong (along with getting involved with an emotionally damaged woman) which can help you in the future. It was a tough read for me because, had I read it prior, I never would have lost my ex. One of the concepts he teaches is you always have to be the rock...the mountain. Feminine energy is turbulent like a storm, masculine energy is consistent like a mountain. At first, women will listen to your complaining and weakness. However, they ALL have limits. They want you to be the strong one. If you use your gf as a therapist she will begin to lose respect for you and fall out of love. Save the complaining for your shrink or your buddies.

 

It's sad, but the overwhelming percentage of relationships are ended by women. Therefore, as men, we have to learn how to accommodate their behavior.

 

I feel for you bro. But do yourself a favor and block her so you can't see anything. It will just prolong this pain further.

[smackie9]

Thanks everyone for your input. While it sucks to have my relationship end, I do feel a sense of relief in the finality of it all, and having an answer. Everyone was a big help in seeing a variety of opinions, and ways to approach the end of this relationship. All things considered, it ended a lot better than it could have in many other scenarios.

 

Now it just time for me to continue on with my life, and recover as quickly as I can. I already know the next few weeks are going to be bad, and hopefully I can find some way to cope in a healthy way, but I get the feeling I am about to just dive all-in into work.

 

Hopefully, I am mature enough to get through all of this, and still have some semblance of a friendship with her, but who knows at this point.

Trust me, when you finish grieving and get back to normal, you won't care what she's doing, and in time she will become a distant memory. You are in the process of detaching/ and adjusting. Those waves of pain will slow down and then disappear. May not feel like it will happen but you will find happiness with someone else someday.

[hgriffin17]

Only you know your girlfriend, we don't. But i'm kind of like you, in the sense that I will do whatever to preserve a relationship, especially if I love the girl. But honestly you need to talk to her. The more days that pass, the more days she will overthink things. You need to go there, tell her everything you're telling us, but be prepared for the worst because what she told you is pretty big. It's hard to handle, I know but if the words "I can't do this anymore" or "I want to breakup" are said, you need to take a step back and remember to say, "Listen, I love you, I always will. I can't force you to stay, that's your decision. But if you ever want to start again, you know where to find me." Or basically anything that tells her that you don't want the relationship to end but you also aren't forcing her or pushing her to stay.

 

Goodluck man, honestly.

[Highndry]

You don't have a decision in this. She has made up her mind. Would she really want to talk to you in person if it was good news? No. She's done, and the only thing you can do now is hold your head up high, tell her you respect her decision, you wish she wouldn't have cheated because you lost a little respect for her given that poor decision, and wish her the best. Go no contact and let her enjoy her "grass is greener syndrome." Sorry it happened to you.

 

I should add that the worst possible thing you could do is get weak and start begging and pleading her to change her mind, crying, etc. That's the mistake a lot of guys make and it's usually a fatal one. I'm lucky in that I feel that pain that all men do, but I am always composed and never "go there." If you don't feel you can hold it together in person when she gives you the bad news, I would NOT meet her.

[Marc878]

You chase they move farther away. She's found someone new and you can't change or fix her feelings.

 

Don't make the mistake of projecting your feelings onto her. It's obvious she doesn't feel that way about you anymore.

 

In the future avoid being to needy. It seems like she's tired of hearing about your problems etc.

[mortensorchid]

This sounds like my relationship with my hs sweetheart. I was two years younger than him, he and I were together starting when I was in 10th grade and he was in 12th. He went away to college, I stayed home in high school. We were together for 4 years. We stayed faithful to one another (on my part I did at least, if he cheated I don't know - but I don't THINK he did looking back). Then I went to college (a separate one from his) ... And I blossomed and changed, met someone else, we grew apart, etc. The majority of the time we were together we were actually apart geography-wise. I am, however, a grown up now, and have had a two LDRs since then as an adult.

 

And I can tell you this about LDRs - they're bad. If you are not seeing each other at least once a month you will do a lot of fantasizing. There are other things before you that are distracting you, people are situational. And those things that distract can be taken away / replaced just as easily with something else. When you are together, you end up being in this big rush to have sex, and that only ends up feeding the fantasy even further. One of you must make some kind of a commitment in order for it to happen, and when either person will not make that commit, watch out. It's coming.

[somuchgrief]

I remember all too clearly the emotional turmoil you are experiencing. She had a big impact on your life and you want to keep at least some part of it.

 

Regarding your other exes, did you love them as deeply? Did you feel the same as you do now when those RLs ended?

 

Love on this level is like a drug and you are not thinking rationally. You have to look at how things played out and ask yourself if you really want this person as a friend. She put all the work on you and bolted when you needed her most. That doesn't sound like good friend material.

 

This will take a long time to get over. I'm 18 months out and still have thoughts of my ex. The difference is they are not as crippling as the beginning when all I wanted to do was kill myself to end the pain. Now I don't but don't care if I die as it appears unlikely I will find someone with whom I can connect with on such a deep level.

 

The emotional problems she had should serve as red flags for future girlfriends. Women with bad childhoods seldom make good long term partners. It's no hit against them, it's just the truth. I see the red flags early now (insecurity, jealousy, etc) that I chose to ignore when I saw them in my ex.

 

I would recommend reading Corey Wayne's book. In the relationship section you'll see where you went wrong (along with getting involved with an emotionally damaged woman) which can help you in the future. It was a tough read for me because, had I read it prior, I never would have lost my ex. One of the concepts he teaches is you always have to be the rock...the mountain. Feminine energy is turbulent like a storm, masculine energy is consistent like a mountain. At first, women will listen to your complaining and weakness. However, they ALL have limits. They want you to be the strong one. If you use your gf as a therapist she will begin to lose respect for you and fall out of love. Save the complaining for your shrink or your buddies.

 

It's sad, but the overwhelming percentage of relationships are ended by women. Therefore, as men, we have to learn how to accommodate their behavior.

 

I feel for you bro. But do yourself a favor and block her so you can't see anything. It will just prolong this pain further.

 

Thanks for re-living some of your pain to help me through this part. It has been very cathartic to write out all my thoughts and to talk to people who went through the same thing.

 

This morning has already started out rough. I woke up at 5AM after 3 hours of sleep because of a sex dream with her, which was surprising because I have not had one of those in a long time. When we were together, I never had to worry about her being in the mood to have sex, and if anything her sex drive was way higher than mine. Now I am realizing that part of my life is gone. I can no longer experience our connection in a raw, physical way.

 

I am starting to come to grips a little that she cheated on me even if it was just a kiss and she told me that it didn’t mean anything. Last night, I heard a sound go off in my bedroom, and I realized it was her iPad she had left in my apartment a month ago, and I tried to resist looking at it. At 1AM, I decided I just had to do it, and that was definitely a mistake (luckily none of her messaging apps are logged in). The notification was a Venmo request, and then I saw her last 4 transactions, which were all normal with friends I expected except for one... she paid money for dinner to the man she kissed last Saturday. Instantly my heart dropped, and I thought they went on a date less than 2 days after we officially broke up. Then I tried to step back and think rationally that this man was someone that frequently hung out in her friend group, and she could have just been paying him back after a group dinner. If it was a date, why would she pay him back? She never had to pay for a single date we ever went on together. Then I also realized that her best friend is someone who has cheated several times herself, who would tell her that the first thing she needs to do is go out, go wild and get laid to get over me.

 

Then I took another step back, and tried to ask myself why it mattered. I realized how much it hurts to even consider that she was not going through the same pain as I am now. That somehow our relationship meant way less to her than it did to me. To my face, she cried, she told me that she cared deeply, and that she has always told me that I was the first person in her life that she truly loved, and that some part of her will always remember that even if she has fallen out of love with me now. I can accept that she might be coping by hanging out with friends because I know that was always a coping mechanism she encouraged others going through breakups to use. I think it just hurt to think that she was willing to see the guy who catalyzed our breakup so quickly even if it was with a group of friends. The fact that she can stand eating a meal around him, and not agonize about our breakup killed a piece of me.

 

I spent the time to pack away all of her stuff in my apartment, and put it in a closet in the back. It was therapeutic, but each item I felt like I could feel her, smell her, and I cried several times during the process. I feel weak.

Edited March 19, 2018 by somuchgrief
Words

[ExpatInItaly]

The funny thing is that I've been mostly successful at keeping exes as friends. Of my previously 3 relationships, I still talk to 2 of them frequently to this day. However, I recognize that this relationship was different.

 

None of the previous 3 made it past 3-6 months, and we ended on a little friendlier terms. Now at 28 years old, I really thought that I had found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in her.

 

After 4 years of learning everything I could about a person, it feels so wasteful to just let them go into the wind without trying to preserve some of that connection. Maybe it is just my regret of the sunk cost, and my desire to want at least a friendship out of the last 4 years.

 

Yes, these short relationships were absolutely different.

 

Your ex isn't someone you can be friends with right now, and probably not for a long time to come. You need to reach the point of indifference towards her before that can happen, including not really caring when she gets a new boyfriend.

[somuchgrief]

Yes, these short relationships were absolutely different.

 

Your ex isn't someone you can be friends with right now, and probably not for a long time to come. You need to reach the point of indifference towards her before that can happen, including not really caring when she gets a new boyfriend.

 

I think the dream this morning was surprising, and very tangibly showed me that I won’t be indifferent toward her for a long time.

 

It also made me realize an aspect of the breakup that I maybe hadn’t considered beforehand. I had lost my virginity to her at the age of 23. I actually never told her that fact because at the beginning of our relationship because I was too insecure when she told me I was her 3rd sex partner. I fibbed and told her that I had fooled around with 2 other people before her, which was true, but I never did tell her she was truly my first.

 

The last 2 years I had forgotten about that fact because we had sex so many times that it just faded to the background. It was something in the first 2 years I kept trying to find the best time to fix my lie, but I never worked up the courage too. After that it always felt like it was too late, and I just instead forgot about it.

[ikoro0003]

Hey i will tell u truth u will never want to hear. Pls for your sake and ur emotional sake, leave her now. Pls leave her now. I was in ur shoes for 3yrs, and within that i got the ame story but later admitted that it was full blown romance and cheating, and i was about to propose to her in 2yrs. I spent alot ofmoney time and effort but guess what, she left me 5weeks ago to today , saying she fell out of love. I fought to save the relationship she destroyed then she felt selfish enough to cop out when she got bored without even as much as a decent split. My advice to you is ull out now, do an amicable split , take 2months to heal urself, lean on ur friends but in all honest truth move on. ANy lady that loves you more than u love her will never ever ever disrespect u, or cheat on u like this All the cries are fcking guilt catching up to her and i can tell u she is having a full blown affair.U can checkout my threads recently, form another guy to you, walk away asap.

[canadaman817]

Sorry to hear this has been such a rough time. I know that it can take anywhere from months to years to fully get over somebody who you thought was going to be the one. It sounds like this has been a good time of self-reflection for you, and you've been able to realize how much you value honesty and the sharing of weaknesses within a relationship. It will make you stronger for the next time you are ready for a relationship. And when you do find the right person, it probably won't hugely matter whether or not you are friends with your ex by that point.

 

Are there things you can do to help keep your mind off of her, like friends you can connect with, a new hobby you can try, or somewhere you can volunteer? If you think it's making you feel seriously depressed, could you seek out counseling to help you process it? Wishing you the best, and know that it will get easier.

[somuchgrief]

Sorry to hear this has been such a rough time. I know that it can take anywhere from months to years to fully get over somebody who you thought was going to be the one. It sounds like this has been a good time of self-reflection for you, and you've been able to realize how much you value honesty and the sharing of weaknesses within a relationship. It will make you stronger for the next time you are ready for a relationship. And when you do find the right person, it probably won't hugely matter whether or not you are friends with your ex by that point.

 

Are there things you can do to help keep your mind off of her, like friends you can connect with, a new hobby you can try, or somewhere you can volunteer? If you think it's making you feel seriously depressed, could you seek out counseling to help you process it? Wishing you the best, and know that it will get easier.

 

Thanks. I am only about a week out since the night she told me she kissed someone else. Compared to how devastated I was on last Tuesday/Wednesday, I am worlds better. I am attempting to work out more, and I have started going to counseling just to try it out. Nights are the roughest because I have been having non-stop dreams about her, and half of them are sexual, which makes me feel so sleazy.

 

Today was definitely a bad day though because I got a fleece vest in the mail that she ordered for me 2 weeks ago. It was a thoughtful gift because I told her that I had been cold in the office at work, and she said she would fix it because she loved me. It hit me that this vest would be the last nice, thoughtful thing she would ever get for me.

 

I am still struggling with the idea of closure since we broke up long-distance over the phone. There are so many questions that I want to ask her in-person. Like how did she go from confirming her desire to marry me, starting a family with me, and sending me a loving gift 2 weeks ago... to drunkenly kissing someone else, apologizing and then unload all these hidden doubts and fears she had in our relationship?

 

How did it all go so wrong so quickly? What happened in the span of those 2 weeks? How could she spend the whole month of February with me at my apartment, and never once tell me she was having second thoughts?

Edited March 22, 2018 by somuchgrief

[ExpatInItaly]

I am still struggling with the idea of closure since we broke up long-distance over the phone. There are so many questions that I want to ask her in-person. Like how did she go from confirming her desire to marry me, starting a family with me, and sending me a loving gift 2 weeks ago... to drunkenly kissing someone else, apologizing and then unload all these hidden doubts and fears she had in our relationship?

 

How did it all go so wrong so quickly? What happened in the span of those 2 weeks? How could she spend the whole month of February with me at my apartment, and never once tell me she was having second thoughts?

 

This is unfortunately not unusual for people who have one foot out the door. It sometimes is an attempt to convince themselves that they still want to be in the relationship, because they know the truth will hurt their partner and bring about big changes to their lives.

 

If she's got feelings for someone else, she may also have waited until she knew whether he felt the same way before coming clean to you. It's not right, but it's not uncommon in these situations. I have been where you are, too. They go through the motions until they have more clarity on their own feelings or those of their crush.

[Been]

You asked how she went from wanting to start a family with you to two weeks latter kissing another man?

I'll answer it for you: Because she's all about herself and could care less about you. I know that sucks to hear but its the truth. She was just telling you what you wanted to hear.

 

1.She did more then just kiss him. She did the trickle down truth- tell just SOME of what happened but not all.

2. You CANNOT be friends. Trust me on this one sooner or latter you will become angry at what she did and you will resent her.

I was like you and wanted my ex to remain in my life as she had been a big part of my life. So me and my ex talked and decided to be "friends"- went out to dinner,hung out at bars etc. Bear in mind we broke up because she cheated- but that didn't matter because it was the past and we were just " happy" we were friends.

So the man she had the affair on me with dumped her and being her "friend" she told me how disappointed she was because she thought she had found the PERFECT man for her- keep in mind WE had been engaged before the cheating!!

Needless to say I ended our "friendship".

[somuchgrief]

Sigh... now I don't know what to do with this information.

 

One of her friends texted me, and said that my ex-girlfriend has been having a really tough time since the breakup. The friend said that she is starting to get worried, which is why she contacted me because she is at a lost of what to do. As I said before, my ex-girlfriend had some mental health issues (mostly depression/anxiety) when we first met, which we spent the first two years of our relationship working really hard to get her the help she needed. We made a ton of progress in the first 2 years, and got her to a good place, but never fully there.

 

In the beginning, she always told me that I should leave her because someone like me deserves more than a broken person like her. It took me nearly 8 months before I could convince her to go to counseling, and deal with her past traumas (e.g. mourning the loss of her father, abusive relationships/cheating boyfriends). She stopped going to counseling when she felt like she was at a good spot because while she recognized it was helping, she still hated it.

 

One of my fears when we broke up was that she would start to slip back into her dark place, and she would lose all the progress she made. (Yes, I know she cheated on me, but I still cared/care a lot about her well-being). Everyone told me that she cheated on me, and she initiated the breakup, so therefore she chose to release me of any obligation to take care of her anymore, especially since she could not handle taking care of me during my year of stress/hardship.

 

Now if this were the version of her that I met 4 years ago, I would be super worried, and call her immediately and tell her to get help now. I am still worried, but for the most part she has been stable (and on antidepressants) for the last 2 years with minor bumps here and there.

 

On the flip-side, the ex-girlfriend texted me a 2 days ago for the first time to ask when I would be back in town (~3.5 hours away) because she was almost done packing away my things, and wanted to give them back to me. I said that I did not know at the moment, and I would let her know when I do. She responded that it was no rush, and she was just curious and I didn't respond. Now I don't know if that was her cry for help or her "breadcrumb" to get me to have a conversation with her.

 

I really hope that she is at a good enough place now that she can recognize when she needs help, and maybe re-connect with her old counselor. However, I don't want to be wrong, and regret not intervening when I could have since I was the first person she ever opened up to about these issues, and convince her to deal with them.

 

Edit: To be clear, I have never been worried about her harming herself. That has never previously been a thought that crossed her mind. It is just that she always had a lot of self-worth and abandonment issues, which led to really bad/crippling depression. During our breakup, she said that she was sorry that she hurt me because I was the first person in her life that she ever truly loved, and made her feel like she was worth something.

Edited March 22, 2018 by somuchgrief

[somuchgrief]

Sigh... now I don't know what to do with this information.

 

One of her friends texted me, and said that my ex-girlfriend has been having a really tough time since the breakup. The friend said that she is starting to get worried, which is why she contacted me because she is at a lost of what to do. As I said before, my ex-girlfriend had some mental health issues (mostly depression/anxiety) when we first met, which we spent the first two years of our relationship working really hard to get her the help she needed. We made a ton of progress in the first 2 years, and got her to a good place, but never fully there.

 

In the beginning, she always told me that I should leave her because someone like me deserves more than a broken person like her. It took me nearly 8 months before I could convince her to go to counseling, and deal with her past traumas (e.g. mourning the loss of her father, abusive relationships/cheating boyfriends). She stopped going to counseling when she felt like she was at a good spot because while she recognized it was helping, she still hated it.

 

One of my fears when we broke up was that she would start to slip back into her dark place, and she would lose all the progress she made. (Yes, I know she cheated on me, but I still cared/care a lot about her well-being). Everyone told me that she cheated on me, and she initiated the breakup, so therefore she chose to release me of any obligation to take care of her anymore, especially since she could not handle taking care of me during my year of stress/hardship.

 

Now if this were the version of her that I met 4 years ago, I would be super worried, and call her immediately and tell her to get help now. I am still worried, but for the most part she has been stable (and on antidepressants) for the last 2 years with minor bumps here and there.

 

On the flip-side, the ex-girlfriend texted me a 2 days ago for the first time to ask when I would be back in town (~3.5 hours away) because she was almost done packing away my things, and wanted to give them back to me. I said that I did not know at the moment, and I would let her know when I do. She responded that it was no rush, and she was just curious and I didn't respond. Now I don't know if that was her cry for help or her "breadcrumb" to get me to have a conversation with her.

 

I really hope that she is at a good enough place now that she can recognize when she needs help, and maybe re-connect with her old counselor. However, I don't want to be wrong, and regret not intervening when I could have since I was the first person she ever opened up to about these issues, and convince her to deal with them.

 

Edit: To be clear, I have never been worried about her harming herself. That has never previously been a thought that crossed her mind. It is just that she always had a lot of self-worth and abandonment issues, which led to really bad/crippling depression. During our breakup, she said that she was sorry that she hurt me because I was the first person in her life that she ever truly loved, and made her feel like she was worth something.

 

Is there something I can text her to make sure she is okay, but I don’t want to talk about the relationship?

 

Like “hey, I don’t know why I feel like I have to worry, but take care yourself and don’t forget to make your mental health a priority too.”