What a difference three months makes

[BettyDraper]

I couldn't sleep all night last night. I don't know whether it was due to the unfamiliarity with the different room/bed or all the stress. It was probably a combination of the two.

 

When my husband left this morning for the gym I got up and made myself some camomile tea and sat in the lounge. I wanted to see how he would react to me this morning.

 

When he came back from the gym he said good morning before getting in the shower. I told him I want to speak with him after his shower, before he goes to work. He sighed and said "OK".

 

When he came out I told him that I'm no longer going to accept things the way they are and that he needs to decide whether he is on board with changing things for the better.

 

I was unusually stoic with my delivery. I told him that I'm no longet going to put my heart on the line and fight a cause where I seemingly get nothing back other than my heart returned broken.

 

He looked at me despondently and said that I'm his world along with the boys and that he loves me more than anything and could not live without me. He said that life without me would be unbearable.

 

I asked him why he behaves the way he does if that's how he feels. He said he believes he shows me how much he loves his family all the time by how he provides. He says he takes huge amounts of stress on to "keep the wheels turning."

 

I asked him why he doesn't seem to care about my feelings and bullies me into having sex. He pretty much disagreed completely, saying he's always thinking of me and "has plans" to do nice things but has been too busy in the last few months.

 

He said he's under a lot of pressure himself and he loves me and wants to make love to me. He said he needs sexual release to releive tension and having sex with me makes him feel connected and emotionally bonded.

 

I asked him how he can feel that when he's pretty much coerced me into sex. I asked him how alI can just lie there while he pumps away and how he can get any gratification out of that.

 

At this point he started to get angry. He turned it around on me and said that if I'm going to lie there "like a rigor mortia corpse" then that is my fault. He said it's my fault I'm sex averse because I've got a "closed mind and a **** attitude."

 

He then went on to say that "despite warding off chicks constantly, I've always been faithful to you and this is how you treat me?" He said he has so much sexual tension but thinks I'm being cruel witholding sex, especially since I "know" he could easily get it elsewhere.

 

I told him he should go. I yelled: "Leave! Get out you arsehole." I was furious! I am still furious. I'm prepearing to pack up my car, the boys and leaving. It's 7.30am local time here and I'm going to hit the road and head to my parent's house.

 

My mum is still on her cruise and my father will be on the tractor all day and evening as it's harvest season here. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain everything but I just need to get out of town for a while and clear my head.

 

I'll feel at peace when the last suburb is in my rear vision mirror and I'm on the open highway with two hours ahead of me until I reach my happy place. Home is where heart lies and that sweet country air and familiar smells of country life is better than any therapy.

 

Other than that, I don't know. I'll take things one step at a time.

 

Renée.

 

It's very common for husbands to show their love through providing for their families. It's also common for men to express love and experience bonding through sex. Neither of those thought processes are wrong but your husband is approaching your sex life and relationship in an unacceptable way.

 

Your husband's hurtful words were a veiled threat. He is basically saying that if you don't start enthusiastically putting out, he will stop declining opportunities for sex with other women. I hate the way your husband is acting like he is doing you a huge favor by being faithful. Avoiding infidelity should be a given in marriage.

 

"Busy" is an excuse. People make time for whatever is important to them. Since your husband owns his business, surely he can take time off or rearrange his schedule if need be.

 

I'm glad that you're going to stay at your parents' house, Renee. You need a break to think about your next move. Be VERY vigilant about your husband's capacity to stay faithful. I feel like cheating is imminent if it hasn't happened already.

[JuneL]

 

He then went on to say that "despite warding off chicks constantly, I've always been faithful to you and this is how you treat me?" He said he has so much sexual tension but thinks I'm being cruel witholding sex, especially since I "know" he could easily get it elsewhere.

 

 

To be honest, everything your husband said to you this morning was exactly what I would expect coming from someone like him. In his mind, he was probably very puzzled as to why you wouldn't just happily have sex with him much more often, considering (according to the logic of such a man) he's worked so hard and done for you and your boys, and considering so many women want him.

 

But to say the quoted part so bluntly to his wife was beyond speechless

[elaine567]

To be honest, everything your husband said to you this morning was exactly what I would expect coming from someone like him. In his mind, he was probably very puzzled as to why you wouldn't just happily have sex with him much more often, considering (according to the logic of such a man) he's worked so hard and done for you and your boys, and considering so many women want him.

 

But to say the quoted part so bluntly to his wife was beyond speechless

 

He was happy to lay it on thick with the "love", and the emotional connection/bonding, "I am such a good guy, you are just being a silly little woman", but he got incredibly defensive and offensive when his specific actions were being criticised.

He had no answer for bullying and pressurising his wife into sex, so he had to fire off a few loaded missiles...

[BettyDraper]

To be honest, everything your husband said to you this morning was exactly what I would expect coming from someone like him. In his mind, he was probably very puzzled as to why you wouldn't just happily have sex with him much more often, considering (according to the logic of such a man) he's worked so hard and done for you and your boys, and considering so many women want him.

 

But to say the quoted part so bluntly to his wife was beyond speechless

 

It's also very rich of him to talk about "being cruel" when he is abusing CR.

[Dolfin80]

I was with a vial abuser like yours once. He used to say similar abusive stuff to me like 'you're like ****** a dead corpes' 'i can will cheat on you if you refuse to have sex with me & its you're fault'.

 

What helped me at the time to understand whats going on, i read the book 'why does he do that' by lundy bancroft.

 

The abusers game is to control you, strip you of all your power.

[CC12]

I'm prepearing to pack up my car, the boys and leaving. It's 7.30am local time here and I'm going to hit the road and head to my parent's house.

 

Good for you. How did it go?

[Chardonnay Renée]

Good for you. How did it go?

 

Well, I did drive to my parents' house like I said I would. I sent my dad a text message to let him know I'd be there in a couple of hours, despite knowing that it would most probably be futile to do so.

 

In typical style, dad was just putting the tractor back in the shed to have some lunch. He got out immediately and said: "hello stranger, I wasn't expecting company. It's not like you to rock up unannounced."

 

I told dad that I'd sent him a text telling him I was coming and of course he told me I was a "silly duffer" as I should have known he'd be ploughing the fields all morning and wouldn't have gotten it.

 

Anyway, he was definitely curious and thought something was up. We sat and had lunch and he asks: "Darling, what is the real reason you've come. What's up?" I told him that things are a bit strained at home and I just needed to get out of town for a bit.

 

He then said: You know, there's no way you would have come all this way knowing that mum wasn't even here (for context my mother and I are extremely close) unless you was desperate. Then he said: "It's that bloody woman (my MIL) isn't it?"

 

I told him that it wasn't to do with her directly, although indirectly it was as she's had a cumulative effect on things. Then, rather ironically, he started talking about my husband, telling me to "not be so hard on the fella as he's also in a tough spot dealing with that as a mother."

 

I just asked my dad if we could leave it there as I didn't want to talk about it anymore. He said: "No worries, sweerheart. Your mum will be back next week as you know. How long do you plan on staying?"

 

I told him that I'd only intended on staying the night as I had to be back tomorrow evening. Tomorrow evening was my follow up appointment with my doctor, but I didn't tell him about any of that. The last thing I want ti do is make dad worried.

 

Dad told my to make myself at home and that we'd "head off to the pub for tea, my shout." We had dinner at the local pub with dad, my uncle (his brother) and my cousin. It wad a relaxing evening; I had a couple glasses of wine to relax and dad played with the boys all evening, chasing farm animals before they went to sleep.

 

Meanwhile, I sent my husband a text when we got there. He took three hours to reply to me. His response to my text explaining how I was so upset with him and what he said this morning was "OK. I hope you and the boys have fun."

 

Really? Fun? He didn't seem the slightest bit concerned about WHY I was there. The objective wasn't to have fun. It was an impulsive decision I made to clear my head and escape. Later that night I called him as the boys wanted to talk to him.

 

When we spoke he told me that he never even went home! He was at the apartment. I asked him why he didn't go home and he said "because there was no one to go home to." I said: "So? It's home. There's no one at your apartment, either, right!?"

 

He got snarky and asked "WTF are you implying?" I told him I wasn't implying anything, that I was just deducing his logic and it wasn't adding up. Then he said "You've got to chill the f#*k out, woman. I don't have time to listen to this s#*t." Then, he hung up on me!

 

We had a good day with my cousin and my dad, in between doing his farm duties. The boys and I headed back this afternoon as I had my doctor's appointment this evening. My husband only just got home in time so I could get to my 7.00pm appointment.

 

My doc thinks I have anxiety and has referred me to a psychologist. He faxed the referral through to them and they will contact me with an appointment time and date. He's unsure whether I'll be able to see someone before the new year, though.

 

So, that's where it's at. My husband is ghosting me right now. I'm not sure what he's playing at but it's always really annoying when he doesn't want to communicate and just gives me the silent treatment. He didn't ask me how my appointment went. He's just leaving me to deal with it all myself.

 

If he was sad and struggling with things I would support him all the way. When I'm struggling he treats me like I'm an imposition and my problems are a huge inconvenience for him. I don't know why he chooses to show no empathy other than he really doesn't care.

 

As always, I'm on my own with this.

 

*sigh*

[Jdoublenn]

What a total and complete douchebag. *HUGS*

[JuneL]

In the past (both before and after marriage), when you had some personal difficulty and needed emotional support, did your husband provide that to you? How did you resolve conflicts in your relationship in the past?

[JuneL]

In the past (both before and after marriage), when you had some personal difficulty and needed emotional support, did your husband provide that to you? How did you resolve conflicts in your relationship in the past?

 

I asked this question because I was wondering if he has always been this dismissive of your feelings, or if he was very defensive this time since your distraught was the direct result of what he has done to you? Not that his dismissive attitude was not totally unacceptable in the latter case...

[Chardonnay Renée]

In the past (both before and after marriage), when you had some personal difficulty and needed emotional support, did your husband provide that to you? How did you resolve conflicts in your relationship in the past?

 

Things were *different* in the past. I definitely know why they call it the Seven Year Itch. Seven years seems to be that figure where things start becoming strained.

 

The thing is, earlier in the relationship I needed less emotional support. When we met just over seven years ago I was a professional woman in my late twenties. I was confident, sassy and earning plenty of my own money.

 

I think the first cracks started appearing when my mother-in-law started being a real cow. My husband had only one other girlfriend before me since High School, as he spent almost all of his twenties in the Army, so he never really had a stable relationship.

 

My husband would excuse and fob off her behaviour as nothing near as bad as it was. He'd say stuff like "oh, you're just exaggerating" or "don't worry, she's like that with everyone."

 

Nothing my MIL did was ever wrong, or at worst it was easily excusable. I always found that sort of disregard for my feelings upsetting. He rarely would see it from my side and go: "You know what, you're right. I'm going to get that sorted."

 

Other than my MIL, there wasn't really much to worry about. The relationship for the first few years was fresh and exciting. The sex was fantastic, so too were the conversations about everything from politics to planning our future together.

 

Part of our future revolved around my husband's business, which at the time was in its infancy. In fact, I was earning a lot more than he was and he was also paying business loans back. I saw so much potential in him and his ideas and supported him every step of the way.

 

We discussed the potential of his business expanding to one day being as big as it currently is and how that would affect things like having children. I accepted that if his business took off, once we were expecting I'd need to plan for life around being a SAHM.

 

Up until we had the boys, at which point my husband's business was flying, everything was good. I always knew my husband could be a little abrupt with people, a little impatient with people who couldn't keep up with him and also a bit rude from time to time when people irritated him.

 

There were many times when I picked him up on his behaviour and, for the most part, he'd somewhat concede that he was in the wrong. Sometimes. Nothing he ever did was that objectionable that it set alarm bells ringing. I just accepted him for who he was; fairly harmless.

 

Never in a million years was I ready for what would unfold once we had kids. My MIL for one thing was an absolute PITA. Then, my husband who was working fifteen hour days, was understandably tired and disinterested.

 

I took on motherhood well, although stuff like contracting mastitis in the first six-weeks of giving birth and having to bottle feed my boys because my nipples were in pire agony meant that my MIL went to town on me about that, guilt tripping me about not providing my babies adequate nutrients.

 

I could go on all day about all the awful things she's said to me! The point was, though, that my hubby never told her to pull her head in and stop saying mean, hurtful things. He'd always just say that "she was jusr joking" or "she's got an interesting sense of humour" or the like.

 

When I got sick of my MIL after she kept coming over a lot more since the boys were born, I looked on the internet and found LS forums. When the boys were evelen months a created a thread outlining my frustrations. I was frustrated at my MIL, to a lesser extent my hubby, and namely both for chastising me for the mere suggestion of going back to work.

 

My husband startes seeing me as nothing more than a babysitter who was there to placate his mother when she desired to come over to our house unannounced, multiple times a week, to see her grandkids while usually insulting me with stupid comments to boot!

 

I was starting to feel down. My confidence was down. I was losing my sense of self. My MIL's put downs were starting to grate. I was no longer a respected professional woman, I was just this chick who landed a rich dude.

 

My husband was starting to choke on his own hubris; he loved the idea of everyone thinking that he was this superstar who built a successful business from scratch. He was never one to struggle with women, but you could tell that while he had no intention of pursuing a dalliance with the multiple women who'd try it on in my presence, he unshamefully loved the attention nonetheless.

 

In the end, which is where we sit now, it feels as though I now have evert little importance to him other than looking after his kids, placating his mother's every desire and fulfilling his sexual requirements, as a willing and enthusiastic partner, whenever he indicates he's that way inclined.

 

He basically doesn't seem to have time to listen to anything I have to say, about how I feel about anything. The only feedback I get is negative feedback. I don't get reassured anymore that I'm valued and appreciated. I am simply taken for granted.

 

Slowly but surely, my husband's entitlement for sex grew. He used to respect when it was thay time of the month. I'd happily give him a hand, if you know what I mean! He was happy with that, but then slowly it became "hey, why not just a little suck" to it now literally being a bj only where he wants to finish in my mouth every.single.time!!

 

Despite having awful cramps at times, my husband would keep pressuring me until I gave in to what he wanted. He said if I didn't let him finish in my mouth I was just being a prick trease. If I offered a handjob he'd just say "I've got hands if that's what I wanted."

 

So, yeah. It was just a slow burn kind of thing. Nothing overt, everything just krept up over time to the point it is now where I'm exhausted dealing with the boys pretty much FT for the last eighteen odd months, downtrodden by my MIL's constant put downs and sex averse due to my husband's constant pressure and guilt trips over sex.

[Timshel]

You will need to stand up for yourself, Chardonnay Renee, for anything to change.

Unfortunately, your husband will not communicate/compromise, so standing for yourself will be unpleasant.

 

It's in you, the strength you need. You are still an accomplished, intelligent and strong woman.

 

Find it and do it. There isn't another way. Don't have a separate bedroom, have him stay at his apt. after the holiday.

 

By the way...allowing his mom to cripple you, tsk. You know who she is, she gets a rise from your pain.

 

Silence to her.

[BettyDraper]

Things were *different* in the past. I definitely know why they call it the Seven Year Itch. Seven years seems to be that figure where things start becoming strained.

 

The thing is, earlier in the relationship I needed less emotional support. When we met just over seven years ago I was a professional woman in my late twenties. I was confident, sassy and earning plenty of my own money.

 

I think the first cracks started appearing when my mother-in-law started being a real cow. My husband had only one other girlfriend before me since High School, as he spent almost all of his twenties in the Army, so he never really had a stable relationship.

 

<snip>

 

I don't think it's only the fact that you've been married for seven years, CR.

There have been many monumental changes.

Edited December 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[BaileyB]

I don't think it's only the fact that you've been married for seven years, CR.

There have been many monumental changes.

 

Agreed. But looking back with hindsight, you can certainly see some negative personality traits in your husband and appreciate the fact that his mother has always been challenging. But of course, hindsight is 20/20.

 

Things have become more difficult as his business (and his ego) have taken off, you have somewhat lost your identity (as many stay at home mothers do), and your mother in law has become even more intrusive with the birth of your children.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Renee, I have been dipping into your thread at various points and have been reading through your posts. The last few posts that you have made indicate that your marriage has reached a point of almost no return. In reading between the lines I find two people with strong personalities who refuse to back down on their points of view or perspectives, if you will. You have been a successful career woman and have your own sense of self worth. Sadly, your husband seems to have lost sight of that fact and the presence of your MIL only complicates matters further. I do not know if you two have tried MC or if your husband is even open to it but that might be a last ditch effort to save your marriage. To me it seems that it is at the end of it's rope for all practical purposes.

 

In your place I would start getting my ducks in a row, plan on getting back into the work force, look out for a place to stay on my own, ask my parents for help to set me up in my new home, consult a lawyer to find out my rights and then move out and file for divorce. In all this you should let your husband know when things are mostly irreversible as, given his attitude he will put a spanner in the works before you can get off the ground. As far as filing for divorce is concerned, once you do that it may wake your husband up to the reality of your joint situation and he may turn over a new leaf. One aspect of that would be to exile your MIL from your lives except on special occasions. However, it is time for you to take control of your life and stop accepting abuse of any kind from your spouse or your MIL. Remember,, actions speak louder than words! Warm wishes.

[BettyDraper]

You will need to stand up for yourself, Chardonnay Renee, for anything to change.

Unfortunately, your husband will not communicate/compromise, so standing for yourself will be unpleasant.

 

It's in you, the strength you need. You are still an accomplished, intelligent and strong woman.

 

Find it and do it. There isn't another way. Don't have a separate bedroom, have him stay at his apt. after the holiday.

 

By the way...allowing his mom to cripple you, tsk. You know who she is, she gets a rise from your pain.

 

Silence to her.

 

I agree with this. Unfortunately, CR is being abused and it can be very hard for a victim to stand up to their abuser. She also mentioned being conflict avoidant which makes it even more difficult to stand up for herself. CR's husband knows that CR is too downtrodden to assert herself and he enjoys it. He knows that she will not leave because of her children.

[BettyDraper]

Hi Renee, I have been dipping into your thread at various points and have been reading through your posts. The last few posts that you have made indicate that your marriage has reached a point of almost no return. In reading between the lines I find two people with strong personalities who refuse to back down on their points of view or perspectives, if you will. You have been a successful career woman and have your own sense of self worth. Sadly, your husband seems to have lost sight of that fact and the presence of your MIL only complicates matters further. I do not know if you two have tried MC or if your husband is even open to it but that might be a last ditch effort to save your marriage. To me it seems that it is at the end of it's rope for all practical purposes.

 

In your place I would start getting my ducks in a row, plan on getting back into the work force, look out for a place to stay on my own, ask my parents for help to set me up in my new home, consult a lawyer to find out my rights and then move out and file for divorce. In all this you should let your husband know when things are mostly irreversible as, given his attitude he will put a spanner in the works before you can get off the ground. As far as filing for divorce is concerned, once you do that it may wake your husband up to the reality of your joint situation and he may turn over a new leaf. One aspect of that would be to exile your MIL from your lives except on special occasions. However, it is time for you to take control of your life and stop accepting abuse of any kind from your spouse or your MIL. Remember,, actions speak louder than words! Warm wishes.

 

This is a very good plan. I don't believe that CR is ready to end her marriage though.

I think it will take another abusive incident for CR to gain the strength to walk away.

[JuneL]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write down this heartbreaking summary. What you wrote was exactly the impression I got from reading your various threads.

 

From what you wrote, it sounds like your husband is very financially well off, but is not rich like a billionaire (yet)? I would imagine things can only deteriorate if his business keeps expanding and making more money. In fact, I've known of couples like your situation; once the husband has accumulated enough wealth and power, his wife (who was intelligent, educated and beautiful, and who supported him through building his business before everything took off) was delegated as a mere "department" in his life; at which point, the wife wouldn't be able to get access to his finance, and of course the husband would have access to a bunch of women! If there is any consolation, you should count yourself lucky to see what you're getting into so early, instead of wasting another 10 years of your life getting trapped in such a situation (the wives of those men I know of didn't divorce their husband until their kids were 10 or so).

 

Things were *different* in the past. I definitely know why they call it the Seven Year Itch. Seven years seems to be that figure where things start becoming strained.

 

The thing is, earlier in the relationship I needed less emotional support. When we met just over seven years ago I was a professional woman in my late twenties. I was confident, sassy and earning plenty of my own money.

 

I think the first cracks started appearing when my mother-in-law started being a real cow. My husband had only one other girlfriend before me since High School, as he spent almost all of his twenties in the Army, so he never really had a stable relationship. {snip}

 

Edited December 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[Timshel]

This is a very good plan. I don't believe that CR is ready to end her marriage though.

I think it will take another abusive incident for CR to gain the strength to walk away.

 

I agree with this. Unfortunately, CR is being abused and it can be very hard for a victim to stand up to their abuser. She also mentioned being conflict avoidant which makes it even more difficult to stand up for herself. CR's husband knows that CR is too downtrodden to assert herself and he enjoys it. He knows that she will not leave because of her children.

 

Agree, the bottom line is OP's strength and resilience. Chardonnay Renee, you've had twins and have been raising them alone under duress. You are very strong.

 

Being 'conflict avoidant' is not something to wear as a banner while being abused and being a mom (or ever.)

The buck has to stop sometime and it's entirely up to OP when it does.

 

One more time is too many. Every person has a threshold, OP's is yet to see.

 

Obviously, my thoughts are with you, CR. Merry Christmas and take care.

[JuneL]

I tend to believe that, if your husband were more supportive of your feelings, the MIL issue would have been much more manageable; as annoying as she was, you could just feel sorry for such a miserable old woman who has no boundaries. I was wondering if she was like this to your husband growing up? I mean, if I had a parent like this, I would be suffering first-hand and would have more compassion for those who have to deal with her constantly.

Edited December 16, 2017 by JuneL

[JuneL]

OP: Would you consider printing out a copy of this thread and give it to your mother?

[JuneL]

If there is any consolation, you should count yourself lucky to see what you're getting into so early, instead of wasting another 10 years of your life getting trapped in such a situation (the wives of those men I know of didn't divorce their husband until their kids were 10 or so).

 

My sincere apologies if my wording was offensive (was not able to make edits). I was trying to point out things can only get worse if your husband's business gets more successful. My prediction is that, ironically, the only wake-up call to him is when his business hits a real setback (and so do his wealth and power).

 

And please don't feel silly to bear his children; you should feel blessed that, as bad as your relationship with you husband is, at least this relationship brought you two precious little boys.

Edited December 16, 2017 by JuneL

[BettyDraper]

I’m hoping that CR filing for divorce will be a wake up call if she chooses to go that route.

[JuneL]

I’m hoping that CR filing for divorce will be a wake up call if she chooses to go that route.

 

Yes or no. I'm concerned this might be a short-term thing. He might do something to placate the OP to stay for now, since their kids are so small...this might also be why the wives I mentioned above had stayed another 10 years: they left when the husband stopped putting up a show to placate the wife to stay.

Edited December 16, 2017 by JuneL

[BaileyB]

How are you Renee?