What a difference three months makes

[Chardonnay Renée]

I agree. CR, please open up to your mother. Maybe she can help you get away from your husband.

I know you want to stay with him and I understand why. It's just that your safety and mental health are more important.

 

There's only one place I'll seek refuge for a while and that's back home at my parent's house. I will feel safe and at home in the country where I grew up. I still have a cousin and an aunt and uncle living in the town, as well as obviously my folks.

 

When my mum gets back from her cruise I will talk to her. She's going to be all excited about the stuff she's bought form New Zealand, Hawaii and other, random Pacific Islands she visited. Unfortunately for her, it probably won't be a pleasant conversation.

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately for her, it probably won't be a pleasant conversation.

 

Such is the life of a parent... to be there to support your children, when they need love and guidance.

 

You may be very surprised when you speak with your mum, she knows your husband and she may be more aware of what is happening in your marriage than you may think...

[S2B]

The decide is an amphetamine (speed) and he also would take more speed on top of that speed?

 

You have yourself a meth user. Speed, meth - whatever you choose to call it - that's what he's used to using.

 

I'd bet money that's why he wanted his own place - a location away so he could do what he wants to do.

 

Be grateful you can get away from his issues. That drug will ruin your life.

[Chardonnay Renée]

The decide is an amphetamine (speed) and he also would take more speed on top of that speed?

 

You have yourself a meth user. Speed, meth - whatever you choose to call it - that's what he's used to using.

 

I'd bet money that's why he wanted his own place - a location away so he could do what he wants to do.

 

Be grateful you can get away from his issues. That drug will ruin your life.

 

I think the speed he took is a very different kettle of fish to the 80+ percent pure crystaline methamphetamine that you're referring to.

 

And even then, I don't think he's taken anything like that other than his dexamphatamine prescription (which in itself is a controlled dosage of amphetamine).

 

I know how bad the effects of ice (crystal meth) can be on families, having seen and worked with children from disadvantaged backgrounds.

 

It's truly a scary drug, but not something I'd be worried my husband is taking. Who knows? I know that he's done coke in the past, before I was around, but I'm not sure he'd get into that anymore, either.

 

I really don't knimow what the deal with anything with him is these days. He's due home soon sonI plan to just have dinner on and do my own thing for the night.

[basil67]

He's also my husband and it's my basic right as a wife to expect that! That's why I'm so upset! Why is it too much to expect!? Why did he woo me in the beginning, put a ring on me only to treat me like a piece of meat!?

 

You misunderstood me. Of course, it's your right as a wife to expect that. But your husband is not the kind of man who will give you respect, support and love. He only thinks of himself. You can be angry all you want at his treachery, but he's never going to change and become a loving, supportive partner.

 

Why did he woo you only to treat you like a piece of meat? Well, that's what abusers do. Read up on the term 'bait and switch'

[Chardonnay Renée]

You misunderstood me. Of course, it's your right as a wife to expect that. But your husband is not the kind of man who will give you respect, support and love. He only thinks of himself. You can be angry all you want at his treachery, but he's never going to change and become a loving, supportive partner.

 

Why did he woo you only to treat you like a piece of meat? Well, that's what abusers do. Read up on the term 'bait and switch'

 

I can assure you I misunderstood you less than you think. I know it may seem that way because I didn't really address what you actually said, but I was just upset and having a rant.

 

I'm just so upset that he has slowly eroded what I thought was the perfect partnership. I was played and I'm really upset and angry and embarassed. I consider myself an intelligent and perceptive person, yet a con artist has convinced me to marry him have carry his babies!

 

I always knew my husband was selfish, arrogant and somewhat entitled. But I always thought it was harmless enough. And when we started dating, it seemed like some of those traits were getting watered down.

 

I deluded myself thinking that I could have such an effect on him that his happiness being with me would bring out the best in him. I completley misjudged who he was while being swept up in a whirlwind ride of lies and deceit.

 

I know why he behaves like he does. I'm just so angry at myself for being stupid and not realising until it was too late.

[S2B]

Everything you describe is textbook drug using behavior.

 

Whether you want to admit it or not/see it or not - it seriously is.

 

You can't change it for him - just get out of the relationship before it gets worse - because it will get worse as time goes along.

[basil67]

Big hugs to you Renee. It's a crap situation, but please don't blame yourself or be embarrassed. If it was so easy to spot these type of guys, very few women would end up in a situation like you are.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I don't think it's appropriate at this point in time to blame his behviour on having a drug addiction. He used it in the past, recreationally. He's never told me in any conversations l we've had that he became addicted in any way.

 

Sure, he's lied before about stuff, but I didn't get the feeling at all that he was trying to hide/cover up something. He's never used drugs, to my knowledge, in the last five or so years. If he has, he's managed to cover it up well.

 

In any case, if he has used drugs when he's been interstate or at these business function after-parties, it hasn't caused him any issues with addiction. So, I hardly think that periodically using these drugs would have such an effect on things.

 

If I'm prepared to accept that there's problems in this relationship; terminal problems, potentially - then I'm not going to bury my head in the sand when it comes to what it is that's causing the problems.

 

I'm not choosing to not see certain things; I merely dismiss them as something which, to my mind, doesn't stack up. I appreciate all the advice and opinions, but I'm not going to go jumping at shadows with every suggestion, either.

[elaine567]

I consider myself an intelligent and perceptive person, yet a con artist has convinced me to marry him have carry his babies!

 

That "con artist" has also just bought a fancy apartment in town for his own use.

YOU need to start investigating this "business" of his.

Is it really flying or is he just racking up a whole series of debts?

If the bubble bursts, it will be you that will be left to clear up the mess.

You need to start protecting your own interests and find out what he is really up to here.

[Chardonnay Renée]

That "con artist" has also just bought a fancy apartment in town for his own use.

YOU need to start investigating this "business" of his.

Is it really flying or is he just racking up a whole series of debts?

If the bubble bursts, it will be you that will be left to clear up the mess.

You need to start protecting your own interests and find out what he is really up to here.

 

One thing I am certain of his that his business is legit and that he's not spending money he doesn't have. I handle a lot of the admin side of the business so I know what's coming in and going out. The balance sheet is clean here.

 

My husband hates being in debt and for the most part he's paid for stuff up front. The apartment was $630k AUS and he paid for it in cash. He had it aside for over a year. Our cars (BMW X3 and Jaguar F-pace) are taxable write-offs through the business.

 

As for our house, I was present when he signed for and transferred the funds for the full terms of the property, to the conveyancer. I have been present (to sign) most of our assets, and it was really only our first house that we had a mortgage for a short time on.

 

It's a fair question to suggest he's perhaps not as honest and up front about the business side of things, but in that regard I'm confident everything is fine and that my husband is spending money in a responsible manner.

[Popsicle]

Like rape?

 

Sure like rape. More than likely she will not divorce him.

Because she’s financially dependent on him and has two babies.

[BettyDraper]

Sure like rape. More than likely she will not divorce him.

Because she’s financially dependent on him and has two babies.

 

CR can always go back to work and become financially independent again.

Her husband would also owe her child support and alimony. Most people believe the erroneous assumption that housewives cannot take care of themselves in the event of divorce. The smart ones make plans ahead of time.

 

I’m a housewife. I have my own savings and investments. My husband would also have to pay me thousands per month in alimony for years.

I will also be returning to university in 2018 which will increase my earning potential should I choose to return to work.

 

Plenty of financially independent women stay in awful marriages. Look at Beyoncé! She’s wealthy in her own right yet she stays with a cheating husband and keeps having more babies.

 

As for CR’s sons , I agree that many women stay in unhappy and abusive marriages because of their children. It’s one of the reasons I’m childfree. If my marriage goes sour, I don’t want to feel trapped because I have children.

[BettyDraper]

I can assure you I misunderstood you less than you think. I know it may seem that way because I didn't really address what you actually said, but I was just upset and having a rant.

 

I'm just so upset that he has slowly eroded what I thought was the perfect partnership. I was played and I'm really upset and angry and embarassed. I consider myself an intelligent and perceptive person, yet a con artist has convinced me to marry him have carry his babies!

 

I always knew my husband was selfish, arrogant and somewhat entitled. But I always thought it was harmless enough. And when we started dating, it seemed like some of those traits were getting watered down.

 

I deluded myself thinking that I could have such an effect on him that his happiness being with me would bring out the best in him. I completley misjudged who he was while being swept up in a whirlwind ride of lies and deceit.

 

I know why he behaves like he does. I'm just so angry at myself for being stupid and not realising until it was too late.

 

I don't think you should be angry with yourself though I completely understand your feelings. I too was mad at myself for being in awful relationships in the past. Eventually, I learned to forgive myself because I was just a naive kid who was preyed upon by older men.

 

Many people forgive the negative traits of their loved ones and hope that they will improve. You aren't the first wife to do that, CR.

 

Use that anger to fuel your plans for escape and divorce. By all means, take your children and go to your parents' house. Wait until after Christmas if that is important to you.

[JuneL]

I wanted to chime in to add that I myself have always been attracted to men who are considered very manly and alpha. However, I have also learned over the years that that an alpha male is not necessarily an *********; he doesn't have to be very selfish and entitled (or worse, to bully others) to get his own way. I have had 3 serious relationships and, looking back, my first boyfriend did have some of those negative traits: like the OP's hubby, he would treat people differently based on how important a particular person was to him. Not surprisingly, he now has an extremely successful career. But I am really glad that things didn't work out between us, even though I was completely heartbroken back then. I met him very young, and really admired his exceptional intelligence and energy. It wasn't until I met my second boyfriend (we still remain good friends; we broke up due to distance) did I realized how it was like to be by someone who genuinely cared about you: he treated me well not just because he wanted to woo me, but more because he genuinely cared for my wellbeing.

Edited December 10, 2017 by JuneL

[BettyDraper]

I wanted to chime in to add that I myself have always been attracted to men who are considered very manly and alpha. However, I have also learned over the years that that an alpha male is not necessarily an *********; he doesn't have to be very selfish and entitled (or worse, to bully others) to get his own way. I have had 3 serious relationships and, looking back, my first boyfriend did have some of those negative traits: like the OP's hubby, he would treat people differently based on how important a particular person was to him. Not surprisingly, he now has an extremely successful career. But I am really glad that things didn't work out between us, even though I was completely heartbroken back then. I met him very young, and really admired his exceptional intelligence and energy. It wasn't until I met my second boyfriend (we still remain good friends; we broke up due to distance) did I realized how it was like to be by someone who genuinely cared about you: he treated me well not just because he wanted to woo me, but more because he genuinely cared for my wellbeing.

 

Most people believe that being an Alpha male is about being a jerk.

A real Alpha male has integrity and treats others with respect. He doesn't need to be arrogant and cruel to feel better about himself.

Edited December 10, 2017 by BettyDraper

[JuneL]

I wanted to chime in to add that I myself have always been attracted to men who are considered very manly and alpha. However, I have also learned over the years that that an alpha male is not necessarily an *********; he doesn't have to be very selfish and entitled (or worse, to bully others) to get his own way. I have had 3 serious relationships and, looking back, my first boyfriend did have some of those negative traits: like the OP's hubby, he would treat people differently based on how important a particular person was to him. Not surprisingly, he now has an extremely successful career. But I am really glad that things didn't work out between us, even though I was completely heartbroken back then. I met him very young, and really admired his exceptional intelligence and energy. It wasn't until I met my second boyfriend (we still remain good friends; we broke up due to distance) did I realized how it was like to be by someone who genuinely cared about you: he treated me well not just because he wanted to woo me, but more because he genuinely cared for my wellbeing.

 

In fact, as an innocent young woman in my early 20s, I was flattered that my first serious boyfriend treated me so special.

[Chardonnay Renée]

CR can always go back to work and become financially independent again.

Her husband would also owe her child support and alimony. Most people believe the erroneous assumption that housewives cannot take care of themselves in the event of divorce. The smart ones make plans ahead of time.

 

I’m a housewife. I have my own savings and investments. My husband would also have to pay me thousands per month in alimony for years.

I will also be returning to university in 2018 which will increase my earning potential should I choose to return to work.

 

Plenty of financially independent women stay in awful marriages. Look at Beyoncé! She’s wealthy in her own right yet she stays with a cheating husband and keeps having more babies.

 

As for CR’s sons , I agree that many women stay in unhappy and abusive marriages because of their children. It’s one of the reasons I’m childfree. If my marriage goes sour, I don’t want to feel trapped because I have children.

The last thing on my mind regarding divorce is worrying about money. I'm in a much more fortunate position than many other women. My husband earns truckloads, so child support and maintenance (Australia's equivalent of alimony) would see me living very comfortably.

 

I also have professional qualifications in an industry which has a shortage of people qualified to work in. Since many roles I'd potentially apply for are federal/state government based, they are also very flexible with hours and offer the option of permanent part-time, too.

 

I will do what is best for myself and my boys. When I've made up my mind that something has to be done, I will follow through with it. I will have to accept facts, face them and make changes for the better. Losing a marriage that I had so much hope for at one point will hurt a lot more than any money issue.

[JuneL]

I'm also very puzzled as to why this money or lifestyle topic has been brought up quite a few times.

 

From your various threads, it's clear that you're an educated woman who not long ago was a financially independent professional. You also mentioned that your parents are not exactly poor. Plus, I bet you will obtain your fair share of assets on top of child support and alimony in case of a divorce.

 

 

The last thing on my mind regarding divorce is worrying about money. I'm in a much more fortunate position than many other women. My husband earns truckloads, so child support and maintenance (Australia's equivalent of alimony) would see me living very comfortably.

 

I also have professional qualifications in an industry which has a shortage of people qualified to work in. Since many roles I'd potentially apply for are federal/state government based, they are also very flexible with hours and offer the option of permanent part-time, too.

 

I will do what is best for myself and my boys. When I've made up my mind that something has to be done, I will follow through with it. I will have to accept facts, face them and make changes for the better. Losing a marriage that I had so much hope for at one point will hurt a lot more than any money issue.

[BettyDraper]

I'm also very puzzled as to why this money or lifestyle topic has been brought up quite a few times.

 

From your various threads, it's clear that you're an educated woman who not long ago was a financially independent professional. You also mentioned that your parents are not exactly poor. Plus, I bet you will obtain your fair share of assets on top of child support and alimony in case of a divorce.

 

I can't speak for anyone else. I just think that most women would enjoy an affluent lifestyle and they would be hesitant to leave. Women are hardwired to look for providers despite the fact that most of us can take care of ourselves. Wealthy men are always in high demand just as young and gorgeous women are.

[BettyDraper]

The last thing on my mind regarding divorce is worrying about money. I'm in a much more fortunate position than many other women. My husband earns truckloads, so child support and maintenance (Australia's equivalent of alimony) would see me living very comfortably.

 

I also have professional qualifications in an industry which has a shortage of people qualified to work in. Since many roles I'd potentially apply for are federal/state government based, they are also very flexible with hours and offer the option of permanent part-time, too.

 

I will do what is best for myself and my boys. When I've made up my mind that something has to be done, I will follow through with it. I will have to accept facts, face them and make changes for the better. Losing a marriage that I had so much hope for at one point will hurt a lot more than any money issue.

 

Based on this post, it appears that you are experiencing so many different emotions that it's hard to make definitive decisions right now and that makes sense. It's best not to make life altering choices while you're upset and I know you are adamant that you would like to have joyous Christmas. I just hope that you think of your safety as well as the relationship you will be modelling for your boys if you decide to stay.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I'm also very puzzled as to why this money or lifestyle topic has been brought up quite a few times.

 

From your various threads, it's clear that you're an educated woman who not long ago was a financially independent professional. You also mentioned that your parents are not exactly poor. Plus, I bet you will obtain your fair share of assets on top of child support and alimony in case of a divorce.

 

Well, that's the thing. I don't need all of his money for my happiness. More importantly, though, is that I don't need to be with him a day longer than I want to and I would still benefit generously from what he earns.

 

Not being with my husband is a decision I have the luxury of making completely independently from his money. In fact, there are so many other, more important factors that his money pretty much doesn't even come into the equation.

 

I can understand why some may, albeit erroneously, assume that the decision to leave would be impacted by losing the lifesfyle he provides. It simply couldn't be further from the truth. And, even if money was that important to me and I was going to be left destitute (which I won't anyway), then my parents have the resources to help me anyway.

 

Either way, I'll be fine financially.

[somanymistakes]

No need to bring in a male/female thing, humans fear change and are prone to staying in bad situations far longer than they should.

[JuneL]

If anything, I think the OP's husband would be left financially worse off in case of a divorce!

 

Well, that's the thing. I don't need all of his money for my happiness. More importantly, though, is that I don't need to be with him a day longer than I want to and I would still benefit generously from what he earns.

 

Not being with my husband is a decision I have the luxury of making completely independently from his money. In fact, there are so many other, more important factors that his money pretty much doesn't even come into the equation.

 

I can understand why some may, albeit erroneously, assume that the decision to leave would be impacted by losing the lifesfyle he provides. It simply couldn't be further from the truth. And, even if money was that important to me and I was going to be left destitute (which I won't anyway), then my parents have the resources to help me anyway.

 

Either way, I'll be fine financially.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Based on this post, it appears that you are experiencing so many different emotions that it's hard to make definitive decisions right now and that makes sense. It's best not to make life altering choices while you're upset and I know you are adamant that you would like to have joyous Christmas. I just hope that you think of your safety as well as the relationship you will be modelling for your boys if you decide to stay.

I definitely am. I've been all over the place the last few days. I go through phases of being so upset I can't stop crying. Then I get really mad and just want to start smashing things. Then I get so scared and stressed I feel sick.

 

When my husband came home last night he knew something was up. He knew I was angry at him. He prettt much left me alone. For the first time in a while he went to bed before me. He left this morning and I haven't spoken to him since.

 

I want to have couple's therapy and perhaps individual therapy as well. I will see my doctor tonight and discuss my anxiety. I've never been prescribed medication for this kind i of thing before, but if he thinks I'll need some anti-anxiety medication then I'll take them.

 

I don't want to leave befotlre the new year and I want to at least have a go at salvaging something. It may be futile, but for my own conscience I want to be certain that I have explored every option available before splitting our family in half.