Husband Is Threatening Divorce Unless I Get Pregnant

[Cullenbohannon]

It's not all that confusing when you look at the facts.

 

Your Romeo is 44 years old, unemployed with a track record of unemployment and living with his parents. He can't get it up without porn and has a perversion. A smashing success of the male gender. Can everyone please raise your hand who wish to be asked on a date by this guy? Men who are so inclined, can participate in this survey.

 

He can't do better than you and he knows it. The question is when will you realise exactly who he is and that you can do better than him.

Edited March 19, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Popsicle]

He’s well within his rights to want a child in his lifetime. I would say if he wanted that, it wasn’t very smart of him to marry you. Just being honest, I think you’re about to get left.

[Popsicle]

 

Your Romeo is 44 years old, unemployed with a track record of unemployment and living with his parents. He can't get it up without porn and has a perversion. A smashing success of the male gender. Can everyone please raise your hand who wish to be asked on a date by this guy? Men who are so inclined, can participate in this survey.

 

He can't do better than you and he knows it. The question is when will you realise exactly who he is and that you can do better than him.

 

Oh I hadn’t read the thread. I didn’t know he had all these problems. I don’t know why she married him either. I mean, that’s a lot of hope they both were going on. Too much even. And now they’ve both wasted years.

[stillafool]

And this is why this confuses me. I also do not understand how anyone would want children with someone who supposedly makes them so unhappy. He has been with me for 11 years now, married for 5. I am 43, he is 44. I do not know why he believes having kids would make this relationship better. Having a child under threat is not good. And this is what I feel he is doing to me. And now that he has lost his job, our rental lease is up in a few months, and he is still insisting on having children boggles my mind.

In the meantime, he is now acting completely normal towards me again. Like this conversation and threat never took place. I wonder sometimes if he is trying his best to have me end the marriage. He won't be the one to walk away, but perhaps he is doing everything he can to make me walk away. Then he ends up being the victim? The one who wanted children and his cold hearted wife left him for that? I wonder how that would look in divorce proceedings? Any thoughts?

 

You can't worry about what goes on in his mind at this point. He just has a deep desire to see his seed in person. Just like some women have a deep desire to give birth and care for a child. I imagine he wanted a child with you because you are his wife. All of that is okay but if you don't feel the same way or want the same things at this time in your life you are not wrong either. You two are just wrong for each other. Lots of people have kids with poor planning or no planning at all.

[skywriter]

pippie75, You posted this in Jan.

 

Husband Hoards Porn

Hello,

I am 41 years old, my husband is 42. We have been together for almost 11 years, married for almost 4 years. My husband has always liked porn, taking pictures of women on the beach, in stores, etc. He has always been very open about this, and has even wanted me to participate in all of it. We tried porn for a while together, and we would have sex 3-4 times a day. Once we stopped sharing porn, we stopped having sex, or we would have it maybe once per week, if I initiated only.

 

I understand that porn viewing and using is extremely prevalent and many people support its use. I also know that the fact that my husband is not keeping it a secret is a good thing. But it still bothers me. He downloads porn on a DAILY basis if he's home with a lot of time on his hands. He has it organized so neatly on the computer, each porn person has their own folder! There are tons of images and videos. Perhaps, in the thousands.

 

My other issue: He will take candid photos of women in shops, the park, the beach. Wherever there may be an "inspiring" image, he will capture it. Then he saves these on the computer. Again, he's very open about it. He has even told me he always wanted a partner who could share this "kinky" side with him. I DON'T.

 

At this point, after years of this, I feel completely unattractive and detached. I feel as though any woman on the street or on the computer screen is more desirable to him than I am. I actually told him this yesterday and he said there is nothing he can do about. That I have shamed him for years, not accepting porn or his picture taking, and that he feel judged and unaccepted by me. He said I make him feel like his parents would. Like he's doing something wrong.

 

He told me that after 10 years in a relationship, it is normal for desirability to decrease and that I don't exactly do anything to seduce him. I told him that it is very difficult to try and be seductive when I feel completely sexually worthless and not wanted sexually. He told me that I have to get over it and try harder.

 

So, that is where I am. I feel detached, resentful, disgusted, and quite frankly, tired of this relationship. We have other issues as well, but I would be making all of you read a novel.

Thoughts?

 

 

Pippie75, Please reread your post. This guys taking women out on the streets and beach, then saving them on a computer and masturbating, this isn't normal.

 

He turns things around on you, tells you to get over it, try harder. It takes two to make a healthy marriage, but only one unhealthy partner to break it on down.

 

You also mention without going into details, there are other issues. Those unmentioned other issues, are kinda concerning me for you.If your husband prefers porn over sex with you, he needs to agree to seek professional help.

 

If he refuses to get help, you cannot help him or save your relationship because of his refusal to. Having children is as already mentioned, a smoke screen, to avoid responsibility ,of issues, that he refuses ,to regard as issues.

 

He's lost his job, ( one has to wonder why), so he surely feels bad about himself, so in turn he makes you feel bad about yourself.

Edited March 19, 2018 by skywriter

[RecentChange]

Wait....

 

The guy with a porn addiction who likes to sneak pervy pictures of women without their consent - IS A SCHOOL TEACHER?

 

Ugh.... What age does he teach. Sorry that makes my alarm bells go off.

 

Op, the way I see it, in no way us this man demonstrated that he is father material. He is not a provider, he is not a leader, he does not love and cherish his wife, you two do not have a healthy relationship to create a family for a child....

 

Time to save yourself.

[Cullenbohannon]

Wait....

 

The guy with a porn addiction who likes to sneak pervy pictures of women without their consent - IS A SCHOOL TEACHER?

 

Ugh.... What age does he teach. Sorry that makes my alarm bells go off..

 

Bad things happen to children when some one turns a blind eye to innapropiate behaviour. As a mother, I would be livid to know this person was in the same room as my daughter.

[Pippie75]

To my knowledge he has never, ever said or done anything inappropriate when it comes to children. That is reprehensible behavior that in no way, shape, or form I would accept. He might be treating me unfairly, doing things that impact our relationship negatively, but that impacts only me. Please do not assume and make the leap that someone who may have a porn addiction is a child molester, or that I am complicit with anything remotely associated with that. I have a lot of patience when it comes to things I put up with, but if the day came and I heard he did or said something inappropriate towards a child, that would be it for me, instantly. That is so disturbing to even contemplate.

[skywriter]

To my knowledge he has never, ever said or done anything inappropriate when it comes to children. That is reprehensible behavior that in no way, shape, or form I would accept. He might be treating me unfairly, doing things that impact our relationship negatively, but that impacts only me. Please do not assume and make the leap that someone who may have a porn addiction is a child molester, or that I am complicit with anything remotely associated with that. I have a lot of patience when it comes to things I put up with, but if the day came and I heard he did or said something inappropriate towards a child, that would be it for me, instantly. That is so disturbing to even contemplate.

 

Pippie75,

 

I can understand why people's thoughts might veer in that direction. My thoughts were actually considering, he's taking pictures out in public of people , saving them on his computer for later, for what? Masterbatting?

 

It's just and you seem to feel that it is from your post. His fetish behaviors is what is interferring with your healthy sex life and relationship.

 

Instead of getting help for it, he turns it onto you deal with it. It's clear you've been patient with him for so many years.

 

Are you going to continue to submit to his lifestyle or do you intend to find out what life might be like on pippie75's terms?

 

 

As I mentioned previously, we are renting a townhouse. Our lease is up in June and we can extend until the end of August. The landlady has been wanting to sell the place for the last 2 years, and was nice enough to allow us to stay one extra year. But she told us that this year at the end of the lease, we do not have the option to renew. So, essentially, end of August we are homeless. We cannot buy a house because he doesn't want the commitment since he doesn't know where the relationship is going, and he also cannot get a mortgage with me because he is unemployed. But, he wants kids! No home, no job, no insurance, but let's have kids!

I feel that if he truly loved me and cared about the relationship (which I feel should be the priority in any relationship) he should want to reduce the stress level in the relationship not make it worse by giving these ultimatums, especially now that he is unemployed. I should be the one giving the ultimatums given the situation.

| Like

 

I dunno Pippie75, you have to be honest with yourself about this man. You said yourself, you haven't even brought up all of the issues in your relationship. You can't change this guy or love and be patient enough, people have to want to and then do whatever it takes.

 

According to what you've written, he is saying, deal with it.

Edited March 19, 2018 by skywriter

[RecentChange]

Well he certainly has boundary issues when it comes to women. How old are the students that he teaches? 6? 17?

 

And why can't he hold a job? What is the reason for his release?

[Pippie75]

I posted here because I am going through a difficult time. I came here for advice. Certainly not to be interrogated. Thank you for all the insights.

[skywriter]

I posted here because I am going through a difficult time. I came here for advice. Certainly not to be interrogated. Thank you for all the insights.

 

Sorry Pippie75, no interrogating here, just trying to read what you posted and then be able to give advice. I wish you the best in the future.

[eye of the storm]

Pippie, I was in a terrible marriage for over 18 years. It caused me to doubt everything about myself. My H (now exH) told me he would quit smoking if I got pregnant. I got pregnant, he didn't quit.

 

My xH is an a$$ but I stayed with him. I defended him. When he left me I did everything he asked to get him back because I had been reduced to that. I was lucky in the therapist I picked to help me "fix" myself so he would come back. (his suggestion) She figured out quickly that getting out of that toxic mess was the best thing for me.

 

 

She asked me why I wanted to be married to him. Before I could go into much detail about vows and kids and such, she stopped me and said "why do you want to see his car pull up in the driveway, why do you want to sit across from him at dinner, and why do you want him in your bed?" I couldn't come up with any reasons. Him coming home was a fight, dinner was a fight, and how do you enjoy sex with someone who thinks so little of you.

 

 

It sounds like you are at the same point. You should not have children to save your marriage. All they do is drag out the inevitable and now you have children to suffer the fallout too.

 

 

You deserve to come home to a peaceful house. You deserve to be happy. Staying with someone who makes you doubt yourself is not the path to happiness.

 

 

Good luck

[RecentChange]

 

She asked me why I wanted to be married to him. Before I could go into much detail about vows and kids and such, she stopped me and said "why do you want to see his car pull up in the driveway, why do you want to sit across from him at dinner, and why do you want him in your bed?" I couldn't come up with any reasons. Him coming home was a fight, dinner was a fight, and how do you enjoy sex with someone who thinks so little of you.

 

 

This is brilliant.

[BaileyB]

You deserve to come home to a peaceful house. You deserve to be happy. Staying with someone who makes you doubt yourself is not the path to happiness.

 

This is also brilliant.

 

And if I may, I'm another who is horrified that this man who is taking pictures of women without their consent is a teacher. Sure, he may not have molested any children (to your knowledge), but that is a high risk behavior for someone who works closely with children and wants to have children of his own. The hair on the back of my neck stands up as I am reminded of the backstory...

 

We really do wish you well Pippie. You came hear for advice, and the advice you are getting is pretty consistent. I hope you realize that and you are preparing to take action...

[skywriter]

This is also brilliant.

 

And if I may, I'm another who is horrified that this man who is taking pictures of women without their consent is a teacher. Sure, he may not have molested any children (to your knowledge), but that is a high risk behavior for someone who works closely with children and wants to have children of his own. The hair on the back of my neck stands up as I am reminded of the backstory...

 

We really do wish you well Pippie. You came hear for advice, and the advice you are getting is pretty consistent. I hope you realize that and you are preparing to take action...

 

Yes, my thoughts as well , taking pictures of women in public and on beaches was what I read and it kinda sunk in my gut. Like, he maybe was grooming Pippie75, in what she might not have realized the deeper level of his fetish, or whatever it is.She loves him and wants a future together and thinks ok, maybe it will spice things up.

 

Pippie75, I hope you are still reading. We aren't interrogating, just trying to understand and we want good things for you. As was, said, you deserve to come home to a happy place, with peace of mind. That's your sanctuary, not your place of judgement.

 

Also, you obviously love this man very much and a nerve was touch as if you were being interrogated, when you came for advice, my apologies if I made you feel this way.

[Pippie75]

Skywriter, thank you and I was not upset with what you wrote at all. Some other posts were a little too aggressive in their questioning. Not you. I appreciate all of your thoughts.

I am fully aware, and have been for some time, that this man I chose to share my life with has serious issues and challenges. I should have left him within a few months of us dating. I have many regrets and would do anything to turn back the clock. I would make very different decisions and not have wasted 11 years of my life for a relationship that will most likely end in the very near future. I refuse to have a child with this man. Logically, if a couple is having problems, the last thing to do is have a child! Who would think that would fix things? And I would not want to expose a child to such instability. It would not be fair. I just wish I had the courage years ago to leave him. When he asked me to marry him, I wasn't sure. I postponed our wedding three different times, until he gave me an ultimatum and said we either get married or break up. So we got married. And I just realized, as I am writing this, he is kind of doing the same thing now. Giving me an ultimatum: Lets have a child, or we get divorced. Well, I know how the first ultimatum went, and that is not good. This certainly would be a complete disaster. Plus, I cannot even have a child easily at my age anyway. I'm 43 years old. I know I need to do something here.

[preraph]

All I can tell you is I wouldn't stay with a guy you were not getting along with who had you both living at his parents' and was going to leave unless there's a baby. I just wouldn't. He doesn't love you. He doesn't know what love is. He is just trying to hit his milestones.

 

I don't see the allure of this relationship at all. Can't you get a female roommate and live on your own?

[Purrrfect]

You 2 aren’t compatible. I’m surprised your marriage has lasted this long with kids being the sticking point that can’t be resolved.

 

He wants kids you can’t blame him. He’s mad because you won’t give him

Any.

 

This is a dealbreaker for any couple.

 

Sorry.

[happyhusband0005]

This is not a relationship to bring kids into at all. Seriously that would be endangering the welfare of a child before they are even born.

 

Leave him now. Focus on your business and start a new much more fulfilling life.

[Bufo]

Has anybody other than me thought that H may be looking to satisfy his wish to have the perfect excuse for not having a paying job: he thinks being a SAHD would be ideal? (Little does he know unless he’s secretly planning a return to Mom and DD where his Mom would really be the primary caregiver.

 

Maybe I’m too cynical, but I don’t think this hypothetical is beyond possibility

[Keats]

I hope he divorces you.

 

I hope you divorce him.

 

Whoever does it. Hope someone does.

 

Cause I think you still want to stay. Despite your pain. Despite the abuse.

[grace4ever]

I’m truly sorry for you are going through. It seems that you have been through a lot lately. Counseling can be helpful through things like this. You and your husband are valuable and worthy to fighting for. Did you know that when persons get married they bring their own luggage? Sometimes we bring wounds from our own families. Therapy can help you to discover and heal those wounds. The purpose of being married is not to focus what do I make me happy but makes my spouse happy. I encourage you to be open to the forgiveness and forgive your husband. Forgiveness does not mean that he is doing right but you appreciate more the relationship that you have with him. I think that it can sound hard to forgive in this type of situation but forgiveness it is the first step of change and healing and means that you let the problem go. Both of you are thinking what do make me happy and forget that marriage is to make happy each other. If you can not have biological children have you both thought about of adoption? It would be very generous from your side. This list-ly is extremely important for you are going through: https://list.ly/list/1DhC-i-will-not-leave-you-as-orphaned-children . Do you have a belief or system to help you through things like this? I do not know whether if you believe in God, but I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.

[Cullenbohannon]

Dearest Grace. Sorry, no. Please read a little more of the threads.