Husband Is Threatening Divorce Unless I Get Pregnant

[amaysngrace]

Do you do counseling? I'm not sure where you live but if I were you I'd look into contacting a nearby women's shelter to see if they offer counseling and if they don't perhaps they will direct you to someplace that does.

 

It's been a while for me but it use to be free.

[BTDT2012]

Tell him to file now.

[road]

You pulled the bait an switch on your husband.

You would not get pregnant when you were in your 30's.

Now that you are 43 chances are your child will have

Downs Syndrome or some other BD.

 

With your clock running out of time yet you keep throwing road

blocks to getting pregnant. Living with his parents was not ideal,

so was you not wasting years waiting for all of the planets to

line up in the correct position with the stars.

 

With you quickly leaving your 30's you refused to make the best

of the situation to start a family. Now that window is closed.

 

I am surprised that your husband is still pushing for it being that the

risk is very high for the baby to have BD's.

 

If the marriage is that bad then you should of ended a long time

ago instead jerking your husband around when having kids

is very important to him.

[d0nnivain]

You understand that bringing children into an unstable, unhappy situation when you can't afford them adds to the problems. It solves nothing. The fact that you two didn't procreate is his "fault" too. He wasn't making you feel loved or cherished enough to want to bring children into the mix. Don't let him blame you for being smart.

 

 

At 43 you will most likely require IVF. If you think your self esteem is damaged now, get on that freakin' roller coaster. OMG. It can make even the strongest most self assured woman feel defective.

 

 

Sadly, his behavior indicates that you need to get out of this without kids. Walk now, It will be so much harder with a child.

 

 

Best wishes.

[lolablue17]

If you're 37, you meet your (future) husband + you know from the beginning that he wants kids, and after 6 years when you're 43, you still don't have kids - It means you don't want kids (with him). There is no other way to put it.

 

You shouldn't take it too personally. Evolutionally, we are meant to bring kids, and people that do have kids know every day that the kids come always BEFORE the other parent. My wife loves me very much but she would not hesitate to sacrifice me if it's for saving our kids lives (Me the same).

 

So the fact that his (future or present) kids are the most important thing for him, more than his wife, is very natural. It's a basic instinct. If you had kids you would have felt the same.

 

This is a cllasic case of too people that are not compatible, but no one has the courage to end it. I don't know what to advise you. If your husband stays, he will always feel bitter and will always blame you for not having his own kids. Is that what you wish for yourself?

[Mr. Lucky]

Whatever it is, this type of behavior has happened so many times before. I'm tired of it.

 

What you're really asking is whether or not you want to be a 44-year old single mother since your marriage is headed for the ditch, pregnant or not.

 

And I'd guess that's not what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

This relationship, from what the OP tells us has always been terrible. He has a porn addition, he joins dating sites, he sneaks pictures of women in public and jacks off to them, he belittles her, tears her down, insults her, and basically emotionally abuses her.

 

I think he "gave up his dreams" when he started being such a grade A ********* to his wife.

 

Totally agree. I didn't have the ability this afternoon to look back on previous posts. I didn't realize there was so much of a backstory. The backstory, makes this whole situation very clear...

[Cullenbohannon]

After reading your backstory, what is there to decide? This guy isn't close to father material. Quite honestly, he is a pervert. This is the kind of guy who would photograph your daughter. He is a horrible example of the male gender.

 

You have your get out of jail free card. Use it.

 

STBH

Edited March 16, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Maraud3r]

On one hand, delaying pregnancy till you're too old to have children is a horrible thing to do. On the other hand the guy sounds like a complete and utter catastrophe and not someone who should have children.

 

Your relationship seems horrible from the get go, why did you stay and even marry him?

[sandylee1]

I wouldn't want a child with him either. Mostly jobless and perving on other women like that.

 

Sensible women choose the father of their children wisely....you're right on that score.

 

You do think you should have left him years ago and probably never married him...as he had shown his true colours.

[Pippie75]

So, something new has happened since Friday. My husband is a teacher and this is the time of year when teachers receive their last evaluations from their principals and if they will be retained for the next school year. My husband called me on his way back home from work on Friday and told me that after meeting with his principal to go over the evaluation, the principal informed him that he is not being retained. He got fired and was told he can either resign at the end of the year, or they can release him from his contract.

So, he is unemployed again. He will finish the school year until June and then has to get another job. I am self-employed and own my own business and for my entire adult life I was paying for private health insurance. Well, when he got this job last fall, he insisted that I drop my insurance and go under his because it can save us money. So, I did. Well, now that he has lost his job, again, we also lose our health insurance. Obviously, this would impact having children due to the cost, but even in the face of all this, he still insists on trying to have kids. In fact yesterday, we had a conversation, and he told me again, that he cannot guarantee anything regarding our relationship unless we try everything in order to have kids. I asked him: "So, you are still saying that you may want to separate if we don't have kids?" His answer: "I can't give you any committments, about anything, not now. We have a history of not trying to have kids, and this is very important to me. If we don't try and I don't know where our relationship will be in 3 months, 6 months, whatever". I asked him: "So, what if we try everything under the sun and it still doesn't work because of biological reasons?" His answer: "I don't know. I cannot tell you right now."

So, basically, I have a gun to my head, at the age of 43, by a husband who is unemployed for the nth time in our marriage, telling me again, that we have kids or he's gone. I cannot understand how in the world does someone, who just lost their job and their health insurance, has a bad employment record to begin with, and does not know if they will get and keep another job, make such demands and expect a woman to be excited to have kids? HOW? Who will pay for the doctor's appointments, the tests, the birth if necessary? All the expenses that come with having a child? He is out of his mind!

As I mentioned previously, we are renting a townhouse. Our lease is up in June and we can extend until the end of August. The landlady has been wanting to sell the place for the last 2 years, and was nice enough to allow us to stay one extra year. But she told us that this year at the end of the lease, we do not have the option to renew. So, essentially, end of August we are homeless. We cannot buy a house because he doesn't want the commitment since he doesn't know where the relationship is going, and he also cannot get a mortgage with me because he is unemployed. But, he wants kids! No home, no job, no insurance, but let's have kids!

I feel that if he truly loved me and cared about the relationship (which I feel should be the priority in any relationship) he should want to reduce the stress level in the relationship not make it worse by giving these ultimatums, especially now that he is unemployed. I should be the one giving the ultimatums given the situation.

[BaileyB]

Its a good time to start planning for life on your own... This guy is pulling you down and his poor judgment is negatively affecting your present and future.

[skywriter]

So, something new has happened since Friday. My husband is a teacher and this is the time of year when teachers receive their last evaluations from their principals and if they will be retained for the next school year. My husband called me on his way back home from work on Friday and told me that after meeting with his principal to go over the evaluation, the principal informed him that he is not being retained. He got fired and was told he can either resign at the end of the year, or they can release him from his contract.

So, he is unemployed again. He will finish the school year until June and then has to get another job. I am self-employed and own my own business and for my entire adult life I was paying for private health insurance. Well, when he got this job last fall, he insisted that I drop my insurance and go under his because it can save us money. So, I did. Well, now that he has lost his job, again, we also lose our health insurance. Obviously, this would impact having children due to the cost, but even in the face of all this, he still insists on trying to have kids. In fact yesterday, we had a conversation, and he told me again, that he cannot guarantee anything regarding our relationship unless we try everything in order to have kids. I asked him: "So, you are still saying that you may want to separate if we don't have kids?" His answer: "I can't give you any committments, about anything, not now. We have a history of not trying to have kids, and this is very important to me. If we don't try and I don't know where our relationship will be in 3 months, 6 months, whatever". I asked him: "So, what if we try everything under the sun and it still doesn't work because of biological reasons?" His answer: "I don't know. I cannot tell you right now."

So, basically, I have a gun to my head, at the age of 43, by a husband who is unemployed for the nth time in our marriage, telling me again, that we have kids or he's gone. I cannot understand how in the world does someone, who just lost their job and their health insurance, has a bad employment record to begin with, and does not know if they will get and keep another job, make such demands and expect a woman to be excited to have kids? HOW? Who will pay for the doctor's appointments, the tests, the birth if necessary? All the expenses that come with having a child? He is out of his mind!

As I mentioned previously, we are renting a townhouse. Our lease is up in June and we can extend until the end of August. The landlady has been wanting to sell the place for the last 2 years, and was nice enough to allow us to stay one extra year. But she told us that this year at the end of the lease, we do not have the option to renew. So, essentially, end of August we are homeless. We cannot buy a house because he doesn't want the commitment since he doesn't know where the relationship is going, and he also cannot get a mortgage with me because he is unemployed. But, he wants kids! No home, no job, no insurance, but let's have kids!

I feel that if he truly loved me and cared about the relationship (which I feel should be the priority in any relationship) he should want to reduce the stress level in the relationship not make it worse by giving these ultimatums, especially now that he is unemployed. I should be the one giving the ultimatums given the situation.

 

Your husbands turning things around on you, because of his lack of commitment to you. You are trying to rationalize this with , how's why's , instead of beating him to an attorney.

 

My exH did this, and instead of walking on egg shells, waiting for the other shoe to drop, call him out, hand him, at the very least a seperation agreement. What you've been putting up with isn't love, it's emotional abuse.

 

I can guarantee you, if you left, after getting a attorney to seperate, got your own place, that you could afford alone, you'd find out you don't want him.Oh you'll miss some parts of having companionship, it just won't be him.

 

Please stop focusing on the nonsense he's spewing, why's and all, it's just a smoke screen for the bigger issues.

[BaileyB]

I feel that if he truly loved me and cared about the relationship (which I feel should be the priority in any relationship) he should want to reduce the stress level in the relationship not make it worse by giving these ultimatums, especially now that he is unemployed. I should be the one giving the ultimatums given the situation.

 

Why aren't you - giving ultimatums?

 

Why do you continue to try and rationalize this by focusing on what you think he "should" be doing... The thing is, you can have all the expectations of what you think he "should" be doing and feel hurt because he is not doing it... he is not doing it. He hasn't for a long time, and it's not going to change in the future. This man thinks about himself, not you. You can continue to waste your life, waiting for the day that he does what YOU THINK he "should" do... But know, you are wasting valuable time waiting for something that's not going to happen.

 

This is not love, it is emotional abuse. And now, it will seriously affect your finances. It's time to move on... Protect yourself.

Edited March 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Do you think his desire to have a baby so badly is a form of manipulation? Does he think that having a baby will keep you tied to the marriage? Or, if you separate and he is not working, you will have to pay him child support and/or spousal support?

 

Be smart here. There is a lot in the line. I would talk to lawyer to learn what you would need to pay him in the event of a divorce and/or a child, particularly because he is soon to be unemployed.

[Pippie75]

Thank you. Yes, I have actually thought of what would happen if I were to divorce him. I own my own business and make more money than him. I thought of whether or not I would have to pay him alimony. However, he is able bodied and perfectly capable of working. So, I don't know what a judge would think of that. I would have to check my state laws. But it scares me.

[BaileyB]

Thank you. Yes, I have actually thought of what would happen if I were to divorce him. I own my own business and make more money than him. I thought of whether or not I would have to pay him alimony. However, he is able bodied and perfectly capable of working. So, I don't know what a judge would think of that. I would have to check my state laws. But it scares me.

 

Doesn't matter. My boyfriends ex wife is able bodied and capable of working - he's been paying her a significant amount of spousal support for six years. The judge even asked her why she wasn't working and told her to get a job - it didn't make any difference in the settlement. Is it possible that he would own 1/2 of your business? You could owe him for the business AND spousal support. I don't know... I'm not a lawyer. And, if you have a baby... and he's not working... would you owe him child support?

 

I don't mean to alarm you, these are just questions you need to ask a lawyer. To think that you won't have to pay him for the business (particularly if you built it during your marriage) or because he is able bodied and capable of working, is possibly very naive. A lawyer will tell you exactly what is required. The lawyers advice to my boyfriend... the longer you stay in this marriage, the more you will pay.

Edited March 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[camillalev]

He said the only two things in life that will make him happy is having children and living on a lake.

 

YOU arent anywhere in there.

 

In addition to what Recentchange said about conceiving at 43, what is your husbands age? The age of the sperm very much impacts how long it can take to conceive and how healthy that baby will be. A man that is 45 that is with a 25 year old woman can take up to 2 years. If he's older than you it will be that much trickier to conceive.

[Pippie75]

Yes, you are so right. I am not in there at all. In fact, the only thing I ever hear from my husband is how unhappy I make him. I am not quite sure why he would then want to have children with someone who makes him so unhappy.

I am the one who is unhappy. I am irritable and unhappy most days, and all because of him. I feel trapped and not free. I don't feel like myself anymore. When I remember the person I used to be before I met him, it is almost as though I am remembering a completely different person.

I have looked up divorce attorneys and have made an appointment for a free 30 minute consultation for this week. Obviously, he doesn't know about it. But I want to know what my options are. I want to be smart and not be taken advantage of.

[stillafool]

You should divorce for your own sanity. I had a friend in your situation and she waited too long and couldn't get pregnant even though her husband had always expressed his desire for kids. He ended up having an affair with a younger woman, got her pregnant and left my friend. He and the other woman are married now with 2 kids. When a man says he wants kids he usually means it and ends up having them one way or another.

[camillalev]

Yes, you are so right. I am not in there at all. In fact, the only thing I ever hear from my husband is how unhappy I make him. I am not quite sure why he would then want to have children with someone who makes him so unhappy.

I am the one who is unhappy. I am irritable and unhappy most days, and all because of him. I feel trapped and not free. I don't feel like myself anymore. When I remember the person I used to be before I met him, it is almost as though I am remembering a completely different person.

I have looked up divorce attorneys and have made an appointment for a free 30 minute consultation for this week. Obviously, he doesn't know about it. But I want to know what my options are. I want to be smart and not be taken advantage of.

 

That's great Pippie I dont know if he checks your internet history, but if I were you I'd delete any evidence of you looking up divorce attorneys. You want to get information and your ducks in a row before doing anything.

 

Don't feel dumb for not having left earlier. It's easy for us to sit here and judge you, but the truth is destroying your self esteem or any feeling of self worth is the #1 way emotional abusers get their partners to stay.

 

Glad you started taking action.

[viatori patuit]

A few things come to mind:

 

1. His behavior is incongruent. He is unhappy, but he wants kids. This means he is either psychotic or else you aren’t telling us everything. No man says he wants kids with a woman who makes him miserable all the time. We would go find a younger model.

 

2. If half of what you say is true he sounds like a d bag. Why you would put up with that nonsense is beyond me.

 

3. I have no issue with ultimatums in marriages. I think he has the right to say he wants kids now and is willing to consider all avenues to get them. My wife has kids from a previous marriage. I have no issues telling her that I wish to have my own kids. If she isn’t down with it maybe we shouldnt be married.

 

 

It sounds like you just need to make a decision. I can’t imagine living in that type of chaos for long.

 

Good luck.

[Pippie75]

And this is why this confuses me. I also do not understand how anyone would want children with someone who supposedly makes them so unhappy. He has been with me for 11 years now, married for 5. I am 43, he is 44. I do not know why he believes having kids would make this relationship better. Having a child under threat is not good. And this is what I feel he is doing to me. And now that he has lost his job, our rental lease is up in a few months, and he is still insisting on having children boggles my mind.

In the meantime, he is now acting completely normal towards me again. Like this conversation and threat never took place. I wonder sometimes if he is trying his best to have me end the marriage. He won't be the one to walk away, but perhaps he is doing everything he can to make me walk away. Then he ends up being the victim? The one who wanted children and his cold hearted wife left him for that? I wonder how that would look in divorce proceedings? Any thoughts?

[BaileyB]

In the meantime, he is now acting completely normal towards me again. Like this conversation and threat never took place. I wonder sometimes if he is trying his best to have me end the marriage. He won't be the one to walk away, but perhaps he is doing everything he can to make me walk away. Then he ends up being the victim? The one who wanted children and his cold hearted wife left him for that?

 

I think this is better called, emotional abuse.

[OneParadox]

OP: I must tell you that at this point in your life (43, never had kids before), even with incredibly expensive and ultra-aggressive fertility treatments, the likelihood of you having kids with your own eggs is close to zero. So, for starters, what your husband is asking you to do is really impossible. And don't worry a whole lot about alimony and such. You guys don't have kids and your income didn't get him used to some sort of extravagant lifestyle (you guys were living with his parents!!!). So, I will pile on this one: you need to divorce this guy ASAP. It should actually be quite easy and painless.