Husband is now asking for a hall pass.

[NYDame]

Hello NY Dame,

 

There is an about simulair thread going on in real time by

@ steph1980nyc, who has been lying, cheating and has been humiliating her husband almost te same as you are doing.

Also this lady doesn't get it.

 

 

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Joseph's Letter

 

Dutchman1

 

Thanks for referencing that post. Lots of good advice on there. Initially your post got to me because you sound like my husband. Making accusations I know not to be true about me. However, I want to take 100% responsibility here for my mistakes and how they have made him sufffer. The hardest part for me is seeing his truth and I appreciate the reminder that I must step out of my own head here if I want to break through these walls I’ve put up with my defensiveness.

[DKT3]

Thanks for referencing that post. Lots of good advice on there. Initially your post got to me because you sound like my husband. Making accusations I know not to be true about me. However, I want to take 100% responsibility here for my mistakes and how they have made him sufffer. The hardest part for me is seeing his truth and I appreciate the reminder that I must step out of my own head here if I want to break through these walls I’ve put up with my defensiveness.

 

This is a step in the right direction. Here is the thing, if you actually had sex with this other guy is irrelevant because your husband believes you did. It important that you are honest with yourself about how your actions and behavior lead you to this point.

[whichwayisup]

(He is now 30) And the part that hurt me, is he said we have to be realistic and know that it's likely it can't stay that way forever. As in, he feels the need, desire, to explore with other women. He went on to say that I could have control over who, when, where, etc...This has been a fear of mine for a very long time. I don't know why I was dumb enough to believe I could ever be the only sexual/romantic experience for the rest of his life. It breaks my heart that I'm not enough for him, if I can be honest. I told him this. I told him that I didn't want to take him back if what he wanted was to have sex with some other woman. I've been loyal to my husband since we started dating and I never even once had a desire for another man. I married him because I knew he was it for me. This hurts so much.

 

Divorce him. I'm sorry that you're hurting deeply.

 

He's wanting more and wants to go outside of the marriage. Believe this, even if you disagree to it and he tells you he won't go outside of the marriage, he will... Because he already in his head has made up his mind he wants to experience sex with more women. This is the beginning of the end if you allow this. The pain will be so much more worse than what you feel now.

[Dutchman1]

Dame,

glad that you are beginning to see how your husband thinks. For him, his ego is badly hurt that the two of you are no longer exclusive.

 

I doubt that he already has cheated, thow his ego makes him feel he has to do the same as you did. He acts like doesn't care but he really wants to throw up when he sees you.

Not because he doesn't love you, it is HIS pain.

What Golden R.wrote, there are two truths; yours and his, and you both created them.

 

1. Make him listen, tell him if he cheats, all bets are off, separation and divorce.

2. Book a poly today,let him think of the questions.

3. Pass the test, promise him you wil heal together, that you will be there for him from.now on., never gonna lie again.

 

Good luck.

 

Dutchman1

[road]

Dutchman

 

I did not cheat on my husband. Not even close to it. My boss was a flirt and I was too concerned with not being seen as “uncool” so I played his flirting off as a joke and tried to keep my job. I’m 100% responsible for my mistake and trying to conceal this from my husband. But that doesn’t mean I deserve this punishment. Thought this was a support forum?

 

 

 

Here you are participating in the flirting. Not shutting it down

is participating. Lack of setting clear boundaries.

 

 

 

Also I don’t want others on here believing that I had an overly flirty relationship with my boss when that is not the truth as this affects how others respond to me on here. It’s fine that you think my story is shady, I understand why. But please understand that for me who knows that this was just ONE text and that I did not have an affair, it’s breaking my heart that this mistake is now causing my husband to want to be with other women. Yes I lied years ago before we were even married. I was ashamed.

 

 

 

Past lying, deleting texts now is the same as lying now.

You have to make your BH feel safe. Do the work and I

think you will save this.

[d0nnivain]

NYDame

 

Especially because you didn't cheat, adding another person into your marriage won't help things. It will simply drive another wedge between you. That chasm is already enormous after your husband chose to abandon his children & live elsewhere.

 

Sadly I think he wants out because he feels like he didn't get to "play around" in his 20s. You said you two have been together since age 17. I think he's frustrated & feeling overwhelmed by having to support 2, not soon to be 3 children. In essence he's acting like a child, having some sort of midlife crisis & abandoning you so he can go pursue the single life.

 

There does not appear to be too much sense or reason which will persuade him to do the right thing.

 

I'd speak to a lawyer, figure out how to get your financial house in order, make child care arrangements with your parents & get yourself a job that can support your kids. At this point, you have to assume that you will soon be doing this alone.

[JDJ]

But being that I'm pregnant and the fighting and constant tension were causes of stress for me, part of me wanted a break from all the fighting and I wanted some peace as well. So I'm living with my mom, cramped into her bedroom with my 2 girls. This has caused so many challenges for me and it has not been easy adjusting to living here. There's an issue with the distance to my daughters school, the fact he didn't leave me with the car and other things.

 

I get that the hall pass issue and the OP's previous behavior are major themes of this thread. But I was struck by the fact that she is pregnant and has essentially separated from him, and that he appears to be unsupportive and uncaring enough to leave his pregnant wife without transportation. At least it seems that way? So, I would question the worth of this relationship whether the husband is bribed to stay with a hall pass, or convinced to stay by the wife putting her foot down. How can they be transformed into a couple that supports each other?

[d0nnivain]

How can they be transformed into a couple that supports each other?

 

They can't because he wants out. He's got Peter Pan syndrome. He doesn't want to be responsible for his kids. He wants to be footloose & fancy free because he feels like he missed that having been with her since age 17.

[Maraud3r]

NYDame,I don't know why I was dumb enough to believe I could ever be the only sexual/romantic experience for the rest of his life

Funniest thing about this is, it's something people are told that isn't really backed up by science. For women you find the ability to maintain and engage in a long term relationship drastically decrease the more partners they had with the biggest drop off after the first few. This coincidedes with a drop in production of various hormones who lead to pairbonding.

 

So the whole "you need to get it out of your system" and "you just need more experiences!" is actually contra productive in two ways. It tries to convince people that this is the case, thus producing the feeling of "missing out" and needing to do it while also sabotaging them in the long run.

 

 

 

On topic. Your husband seems to be rather insecure. I don't think this can be entirely or even mostly be blamed on what went down between you and your boss albeit I'd argue it's part of it.

 

Similar to how you're seeking help here, he might have done so aswell. Whether he read up online, talked to friends or wherever else he's getting it doesn't really matter. There appears to always have been some doubt left in his mind. Something that now has resurfaced and laid the ground for these issues to grow on.

 

People telling him he's missing out, people telling him you are cheating/not trustworthy, people telling him you stepped out and he just needs to get even to not be a complete doormat etc.

 

 

 

I really don't see an easy way out here.

[Dutchman1]

Hello Dame,

 

How are things going?

There is a lot of advice here, good and bad, but ( most) always meant for the right reasons.

 

Just consider woman and man do not think the same when it comes to ( even suspected) infidelity.

 

You musst be feeling you are on a junction, getting advise from Bs like DTK, Golden R, and myself.

 

What we wrote is how most men would feel, and what we hoped to hear and more to see from our WW.

Your husband's ego wants to get even. I'm 99% sure of this.

 

It is your call, your marriage, choose wise, like OWL ( and Yoda) used to say:

 

DO OR NOT, THERE IS NO TRY.

 

Act swift, do not let it come as far that your husband doesn't give a crapp anymore.

 

Consider my 3 stepps please.

 

Good luck.

 

Dutchman1

[Mr. Lucky]

As in, he feels the need, desire, to explore with other women. He went on to say that I could have control over who, when, where, etc...

 

Totally confused by this - he wants your "approval" regarding the specific woman he cheats on you with?

 

Regardless, I'd fight this battle on two fronts - counseling to consider how things might get back on track and legal for the like outcome it won't. He's left you in your Mom's bedroom with (soon-to-be) three kids and no car.

 

Don't think for a second his decisions are based on what's best for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cephalopod]

I'm sorry but I'm not seeing anything in your writing that would lead me to believe you love your husband. I don't understand why you want to save this.

[BaileyB]

Totally confused by this - he wants your "approval" regarding the specific woman he cheats on you with?

 

He's left you in your Mom's bedroom with (soon-to-be) three kids and no car.

 

Don't think for a second his decisions are based on what's best for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And this, is exactly why I would tell him to take a hike!

 

My next call would be to a lawyer, to figure out how to get child support and/if possible spousal support. Your focus should be on providing for your children now...

[PRW]

Hello NY Dame.

To me it looks like you changed your husband into the insecure man he is now.

You haven't been able to make him feel safe and your nr 1.

You never wanted that but did. He never saw your remorse if there was any.

Look and read Ls, 25% of the woman in infedelity is f@ckin their boss.

You cheated , lied and got rid of the evidence.

You looked him in the eye and lied, Your husband feels the balance is way off.

He thinks and genuine feels that for your marriage to heal, you must be seeing eye to eye again.

Sorry Lady, with al.respect,.you caused this.

good luck.

 

 

 

Dutchman1

 

I think you are confusing this with another similar post. This isn't that same woman.

[sandylee1]

For those saying to get a Poly...she's pregnant and they aren't done with pregnant women usually.

 

Her husband also doesnt want a Poly...probably because he knows you haven't cheated and he'll have no excuse to step out.

 

Doesn't understand the marriage vows of "till death do us part"? He took those vows and now He says it's unrealistic to be faithful.

 

That means he wants a divorce or an open marriage ....

 

I also think he's very inconsiderate leaving you without transport with 2 small kids while pregnant. What kind of decent caring man does that. He's behaving like an immature man and that's a very unattractive quality.

 

I'd be fuming...Howabout if you tell him he can choose a man for you to have sex with and also be in control of where and when. Absolute nonsense.

 

He'd be bracing himself up for alimony and child support for 3 if he was my husband...because I can't see a future where you stay together and he doesnt cheat on you.

 

Then he'll blame you saying you knew he wanted to experience another woman.

[harrybrown]

if you tell him no, would it be okay for him to have the emotional affair you say you had with your boss?

 

Have you stopped all contact with your boss?

 

How would you feel if he just had an emotional affair like you did?

 

to help your kids, both parents need to have better boundaries.

 

but do think about how your H feels with your as you say emotional affair with your boss.

 

Your H thinks is was a PA and an EA. think about his pain when he feels like you threw him away again.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

if you tell him no, would it be okay for him to have the emotional affair you say you had with your boss?

 

Have you stopped all contact with your boss?

 

How would you feel if he just had an emotional affair like you did?

 

to help your kids, both parents need to have better boundaries.

 

but do think about how your H feels with your as you say emotional affair with your boss.

 

Your H thinks is was a PA and an EA. think about his pain when he feels like you threw him away again.

 

Good luck.

 

All good points regarding his relationship with his wife. However, none of this explains the abandonment of his family and failure to provide for his kids. One of the two adults involved needs to set aside the marital issues and focus on the needs of the children and hubby's attention seems to be elsewhere.

 

Again, NYDame you need to see a lawyer in order to understand what support your family is entitled to moving forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Not wanting to be with a spouse isn't the same as abandoning the kids. I haven't seen anywhere where she stated he isn't taking care of the kids only that he doesn't want to live with her and wants to be with other women. Yet many of the comments have jumped to him not taking care of the kids.

 

And yes her past behavior absolutely plays a huge role in this, since the trouble started after she got this guy involved in thier lives a second time, this after lying and misleading her husband about the pervious issue concerning this guy.

 

Ultimately, he is responsible for his behavior, let's just not pretend that her behavior hasn't been a major factor in the state of this marriage, and hasn't been a major factor in him not wanting to live with her. What she did is not ok, and honestly it's hard to believe she would first go through so much to hide (in her words doing nothing) then the insensitivity to bring this guy back around. I think most of us would feel she was involved in a long term affair if wearing her husband's shoes. Cuz honestly that's what it looks like just from hearing her minimized version. I bet his version would sound much more condemning.

[sandylee1]

He wants a hall pass because he hasn't been with another woman...he would like to say it's because she cheated... but she hasn't.

 

If he wants to sleep around, he needs to do that as a single man. I find it absolutely disgusting that he would say this to his pregnant wife. Hormones are all over the place as it is and you often lose body confidence during pregnancy....so I can't imagine how hurtful it is to hear your husband asking for a hall pass while you're carrying his child.

 

Suspecting an affair..is not the same as having an affair. My husband has suspected me of cheating before...but I haven't.

 

If your husband is unable to get through the past, then divorce is the answer or a fully ooen marriage, but I bet he wouldn't want you sleeping with other men.

 

There's always better sex out there for either party, but once you get married...you commit yourself to your spouse.

 

It might not be abandonment...but it's selfish behaviour having you cramped in your mum's like that...and taking the car. He should have left you with it, as you've got the kids.

 

How very selfish and inconsiderate....is this typical of him or out if character?

[Just a Guy]

Hi NYDame, you have stated clearly that (a) you never CHEATED on your husband and (b) that you made a mistake in thinking that your boss at the time was joking with you because of which you responded in similar fashion. It is only when your boss sent you an inappropriate picture that you realized the import of his intentions. You immediately stopped the matter from escalating and your boss apologized for his actions and there is where the matter ended with him. You deleted the offending pic and related texts and your second mistake was that you did not apprise your husband about this whole matter when it had occurred. You said that you thought it would cause unnecessary problems and your husband was likely to read it the wrong way.

 

The fact is that there are a lot of folk on here who have been the victims of infidelity and when they seem to sense that a poster who comes Jere for advice has possibly cheated on their spouse, they pounce on them and then instead of extending any kind of constructive advice they literally pile on to tear that person to pieces. Sadly, posting on a public forum means it's open house and all and sundry are free to post as they wish. However, since you know your truth and there are other posters in the crowd, who come forward with useful and practical advice to enable you to best resolve your problem such as it is, you should pick and choose such posts and concentrate on them to help you move forward. You are not beholden to take into consideration advice which is irrelevant to your present dilemma. You have been given some good advice here and you would know which posts carry these. Take those into consideration toove ahead. Warm wishes.

[Maraud3r]

He wants a hall pass because he hasn't been with another woman...he would like to say it's because she cheated... but she hasn't.

No but he doesn't know that. What she has done the way she describes it seems "minor" but we only have her word, her version for it. To him she did stuff and initially lied about it to his face. She was dishonest and it introduced doubt.

 

You can be almost certain other people have been fanning the flames ever since then, that he stumbled into various online communities who enhanced his doubts and preyed on his fears and insecurities. Then she went and got back into contact with the guy, deleted messages etc.

 

Let me play devils advocate here. From his perspective his relationship was fine, they were exclusive and both had never been with other people and there wasn't any desire for it either. Afterall they had each other.

 

Then his wife went and started flirting with other guys, exchanged messages and pictures and lied about it. In his mind she likely did far more and worse and he's the sucker who got played for a fool. It destroyed that exclusivity, it destroyed that unique part of their relationship where they weren't with someone else, weren't interested in someone else and where his wife would never do such a thing. That is even if anything physical never went down. She showed interested and engaged with other guys.

 

He likely thought he could get over it, ignore it and deal with it but that change in their relationship dynamic stayed and the damage isn't something that can ever be undone. He apparently pushed it down and ignored it for the longest time and he thought he could deal with it even if she got back into contact.

 

We now know he was wrong, he could not, very much not. It opened old wounds, reintroduced old insecurities and enhanced them and made him feel like a complete and utter sucker and doormat. This much shines through from his insecurity, constant doubt and questioning of their relationship.

 

People say it was a "minor thing", to him it very much wasn't. People say it's okay because she "didn't really cheat" but he doesn't know that and that she showed interest in other guys and engaged in such a way with them destroyed a part of their previous exclusivity and security they had. People forget that afterwards she lied about it and tried to hide it, which made it oh that much worse.

 

People say he just wants to be "Peter Pan" and "get his cake and eat it too" and is just "using this as an excuse". Completely ignoring that the rabbid insecurity, jealousity, self doubt and other things do not line up with that, at all. From what OP tells us her actions were "minor" but within context of their relationship and its dynamics they were the equivalent of a nuclear bomb. It destroyed the trust, it destroyed the exclusivity, it destroyed his belief that they were mutually exclusive and not missing anything, that he wasn't being played for a sucker etc.

 

There's always better sex out there for either party, but once you get married...you commit yourself to your spouse.

Agreed, except she didn't and that's what caused these issues in the first place. She did flirt with the boss, she did engage in stuff she shouldn't have, she did go out of her way to try and hide it, she reengaged with the boss later and that is only the stuff she told us about.

 

Given how exclusive they were prior, it doesn't really matter if this was a full blown affair (which he doesn't know it wasn't and given she lied to him prior and he's likely being told he's being gaslighted or worse by other parties) it completely changed the dynamics they had.

 

How very selfish and inconsiderate....

Oh agreed. His behaviour isn't very nice and only serves to make all their issues worse, vastly so. But people pretend this comes out of nowhere, that there is zero reason for him to have doubts and be insecure about their relationship. Downplay and excuse her actions while ignoring the dynamics they had prior and how they nuked those for good.

[stillafool]

Dutchman

 

I did not cheat on my husband. Not even close to it. My boss was a flirt and I was too concerned with not being seen as “uncool” so I played his flirting off as a joke and tried to keep my job. I’m 100% responsible for my mistake and trying to conceal this from my husband. But that doesn’t mean I deserve this punishment. Thought this was a support forum?

 

I think your husband knows this but is using this excuse as a reason to move on from you. He just wants to be free and is grasping at straws. Let him go.

[d0nnivain]

Maraud3r

 

 

Even if you are right that her flirting or whatever happened, even if she did have a PA, him having one now makes everything worse, not better.

 

 

His failure to care for his children is where I got the Peter Pan thing from. It's about more then just the "affair". He also wants out from all the financial pressures of having 3 kids & a wife.

[Maraud3r]

Even if you are right that her flirting or whatever happened, even if she did have a PA, him having one now makes everything worse, not better.

Frankly speaking, this makes no sense whatsoever. Let's ignore how you act as if he is already in a PA. Which as far as we know isn't the case. Their relationship has been falling apart for quite some time, arguably since the whole initial upheaval albeit certainly since she got back into contact with the Exboss.

 

His behaviour now isn't good, nor is it helping their relationship nor is it improving things but it's not the root cause but a consequence. There's quite a few people here completely blaming all of this on either side and that's simply not a workable premise.

 

His failure to care for his children is where I got the Peter Pan thing from. It's about more then just the "affair". He also wants out from all the financial pressures of having 3 kids & a wife.

Would you mind citing where NYDame has said any such thing, where she has told us that is what he's doing? I might have missed it but otherwise you're attesting a whole bunch of things to him which were never said to support your general premise that the guy is at fault and the problem in any given situation.

 

Even if he were to divest himself of his wife, this doesn't mean he wants to do the same to his children nor that he could legally do so.

[road]

Maraud3r

 

 

Even if you are right that her flirting or whatever happened, even if she did have a PA, him having one now makes everything worse, not better.

 

 

His failure to care for his children is where I got the Peter Pan thing from. It's about more then just the "affair". He also wants out from all the financial pressures of having 3 kids & a wife.

 

Frankly speaking, this makes no sense whatsoever. Let's ignore how you act as if he is already in a PA. Which as far as we know isn't the case. Their relationship has been falling apart for quite some time, arguably since the whole initial upheaval albeit certainly since she got back into contact with the Exboss.

 

His behaviour now isn't good, nor is it helping their relationship nor is it improving things but it's not the root cause but a consequence. There's quite a few people here completely blaming all of this on either side and that's simply not a workable premise.

 

 

Would you mind citing where NYDame has said any such thing, where she has told us that is what he's doing? I might have missed it but otherwise you're attesting a whole bunch of things to him which were never said to support your general premise that the guy is at fault and the problem in any given situation.

 

Even if he were to divest himself of his wife, this doesn't mean he wants to do the same to his children nor that he could legally do so.

 

We only have her version.

We can guess reasons why he wants out.

 

Thing is she hid things from her BH. Her level of innocence or guilt

does not matter. She broke the trust with her BH. All a BH can

do is think where there is smoke there is fire.