Ladies, Would You Date a 39-Year-Old Physics Grad Student?

[heavenonearth]

I would date this person, yes.

 

But only if they stop being so insecure about their accomplishments. Because that's a turn off.

[bathtub-row]

How funny is that we just had another thread about this? If you check out that thread in General Relationships section, the answer is yes. Women really like brainy men. Where it can awry is on the social part.

 

It's pretty ironic.

[Popsicle]

Wave Rider, I'm from LA. Do surfers not give parties anymore?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe a site like the one that matches people’s profiles — I can’t remember the name of it now but you take an extensive personality test and they match you up. It’s one of the oldest dating sites out there. That may work better for you.

 

I think you're talking about OKCupid.

[bathtub-row]

I think you're talking about OKCupid.

 

eHarmony -- that's the one I meant.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

eHarmony -- that's the one I meant.

 

Oh yeah, duh . I've even used that and met the last man I dated that way.

 

Anyway, I also think LS could be a good dating tool because I'm campaigning for you and WR to meet .

 

(Mods, don't slap my hand....I'm not actually serious about LS being a dating tool. Except in this one case )

[d0nnivain]

As a physics major I would think your biggest problem would be finding an attractive intellectual equal.

 

That said, when I was single in my 30s I cared about the work ethic, not whether he had "made it" already. I can earn my own money. I was searching for companionship but with the right person.

 

If you are having trouble meeting people, try attending more of the mixers in the graduate department. Maybe you will meet a young liberal arts professor.

[RecentChange]

HONESTLY?

 

As a 39 year old women, with a well established career I embarked on 16+ years ago, it would give me serious pause.

 

Why? For a few reasons.

 

One, it would seem that we are not in the same stages of life. You are still in school and looking to start a new career - while I am very well established in mine. Will you need to relocate for work? Do you have a job lined up, or will you be hitting the pavement looking for opportunities in a few years?

 

Two, hate to say it, but 30K a year - unless you have a lot saved up, you will be pretty broke!

 

Can you afford to travel, CAN you travel given your school schedule? Can you afford some of the finer things in life? A nice restaurant, a weekend get away to a decent hotel? Its not that I would be looking for someone to pay for all of this - but again, this stage of the game - I have worked hard to get where I am at, and would want someone in a similar stage of life.

 

If you are looking to date younger women, they probably wouldn't care as much.

[normal person]

As a physics major I would think your biggest problem would be finding an attractive intellectual equal.

 

That said, when I was single in my 30s I cared about the work ethic, not whether he had "made it" already. I can earn my own money. I was searching for companionship but with the right person.

 

If you are having trouble meeting people, try attending more of the mixers in the graduate department. Maybe you will meet a young liberal arts professor.

 

Having a graduate degree (at 39, no less) doesn't make him Einstein or some kind of rare find. Plenty of people have them (and plenty of those aren't noticeably more intelligent). Perhaps you're an anomaly, because most women surely will care about how much money he makes to some extent. Living comfortably is a prerequisite for a lot of people, understandably so. Finding "the right" person usually comes with an asterisk that implies the person is able to provide some degree of stability.

 

Here are some realistic obstacles I foresee for the OP:

 

- Most people "on his intellectual level" with advanced degrees earned them at least a decade before him and have been enjoying the benefits of such (career advancement, pay, building home equity, building a portfolio, etc) for that whole time. OP will be entering this stage of life at age 41. People might overlook it if he were studying to become some sort of highly specialized surgeon making $500k+, but that isn't the case. He's well behind the curve, not in front of it. If he wants to trade on his advanced degree, it's going to be significantly harder for him at this stage in life because he has to catch up.

 

He posited this thread in a vacuum, one in which "having a doctorate and making $80K" are the only criteria we consider. What about all the physicists got through grad school at 28 and have been making that much money (plus more, probably) for years longer than OP and have half a house paid off already? Is there anything that makes OP objectively better on paper than those people? Because those are the people he'll be compared to, and they already have a sizable leg up. People in this thread may fawn over him being a "smart" guy but forget to acknowledge that other "smart" men at his age are already thoroughly established, and the "smart" men at a similar stage in life are younger with their prime years still ahead of them. Then consider:

 

- Most women in his age appropriate dating pool are taken by his age, and if they aren't, they'll probably make 2x more money than him for at least the next two years while he finishes school, and perhaps after (I'm sure plenty of women in here will talk about how unimportant this is, but let's be honest, it matters to a lot of people).

 

- Making $80K/year in California is not much, so it's not like a woman waiting out his schooling is going to be disproportionately rewarded for the time invested when he does graduate (see the surgeon scenario above). She has to deal with 2 years of him making $30K at age 39 (barely scraping by in CA), then when he finally starts making a normal salary, he's already 41 with presumably not much at all in the bank and his best years behind him.

 

Despite some responses, I don't think think it will be easy for OP as everyone seems to think, but you never know. Best of luck to him regardless.

 

(I also would not mention that model plane thing either).

[RecentChange]

- Making $80K/year in California is not much, so it's not like a woman waiting out his schooling is going to be disproportionately rewarded for the time invested when he does graduate (see the surgeon scenario above). She has to deal with 2 years of him making $30K at age 39 (barely scraping by in CA), then when he finally starts making a normal salary, he's already 41 with presumably not much at all in the bank and his best years behind him.

 

Ouch, I didn't even catch that he was in CA. $80K is considered "low income" for a family of four, not exactly a bread winner salary around here.

 

Yeah yeah yeah, it shouldn't all be about money - but if the OP were, lets say 26, I would see no problem with his income or timeline.

 

But 39? I would want someone to build a life with, not someone who I would support with the life I have already built.

[Veronica73]

I live in the Midwest and am 44 and divorced with no kids (but look young for my age). I have a decent job and no debt besides my mortgage. I think you sound like a catch. I’d think you’d have to be pretty damn smart to get a PhD in physics. And that (being smart) is very, very attractive to me. And that you are looking for a long term relationship. And your hobbies sound interesting too. (I’ve actually been thinking about getting a drone so I could take aerial photographs.) Anyway, I personally don’t think you have anything to feel insecure about, besides the fact that you probably live in an area with a super-high cost of living, so maybe 80,000 is not a very good living there. Where I live, $80,000 is enough to have a comfortable home and save for retirement and go on vacations (which is enough for me).

 

But anyway, I wouldn’t feel insecure about your current income level if I were you, as long as you can support yourself and won’t be a burden and your future prospects look good. Especially if you are going to a good school and you’re doing well and are going to get good recommendations and research and all of that stuff. I imagine it will pay off for you in the long run. Hope this helps!

[No_Go]

I used to be pretty obsessed by a guy in a similar situation and age range last year, and I am younger and make 3-4 times more. It didn't bother me at all because the conversations were heavenly, rare to find someone getting my stuff (he reminded me for the time I did my PhD and it was like a time travel ... awesome). Well anyway he dumped me because he thought we're not in the same stage. Whatever

 

Just saying you'll find someone who likes you for you. You're not undateable just have specific niche to target.

 

I’m looking for honest feedback here. I’m 39 and I’m a grad student in physics. I’ll be finishing my PhD in about two years, after which I’ll make about $80k/yr. Right now I make $30k/yr. Otherwise I consider myself to be reasonably attractive, 6 feet tall, look young for my age, president of the model airplane club on campus, athletic, etc.

 

But I want to know from the ladies if my status and salary as a 39-year-old grad student makes me undatable. I’m looking for a long-term relationship, not short-term stuff.

 

I want to know if it’s worth the effort to try to go out and meet women, or if no woman is realistically going to consider me until after I graduate and have a real job.

[Imajerk17]

I must admit, I always find these "Ladies would you date [someone like the OP]" threads to be a waste of time, frankly

 

OP, on the one hand, no one gets all the girls (or boys). Whatever your path in life, someone will always have an issue with it. On the other hand, people fall for someone 'not their type' all the time. If you look around, there are many many many women who are hopelessly devoted to dudes whose prospects are far FAR worse than a 39-year-old physics grad student.

 

That said, I do think something relevant to many single women though--the ones you'd meet on Match--is what you were doing in your 20s and early 30s. Did you just go back to school to pursue your PhD? Do you have savings from previous years working?

 

Anyway, just going by this thread there are at least a couple women who think what you are doing is just the coolest thing. Maybe you'd click back too. It just takes one....

Edited March 13, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Wave Rider]

Having a graduate degree (at 39, no less) doesn't make him Einstein or some kind of rare find. Plenty of people have them (and plenty of those aren't noticeably more intelligent). Perhaps you're an anomaly, because most women surely will care about how much money he makes to some extent. Living comfortably is a prerequisite for a lot of people, understandably so. Finding "the right" person usually comes with an asterisk that implies the person is able to provide some degree of stability.

 

Here are some realistic obstacles I foresee for the OP:

 

- Most people "on his intellectual level" with advanced degrees earned them at least a decade before him and have been enjoying the benefits of such (career advancement, pay, building home equity, building a portfolio, etc) for that whole time. OP will be entering this stage of life at age 41. People might overlook it if he were studying to become some sort of highly specialized surgeon making $500k+, but that isn't the case. He's well behind the curve, not in front of it. If he wants to trade on his advanced degree, it's going to be significantly harder for him at this stage in life because he has to catch up.

 

He posited this thread in a vacuum, one in which "having a doctorate and making $80K" are the only criteria we consider. What about all the physicists got through grad school at 28 and have been making that much money (plus more, probably) for years longer than OP and have half a house paid off already? Is there anything that makes OP objectively better on paper than those people? Because those are the people he'll be compared to, and they already have a sizable leg up. People in this thread may fawn over him being a "smart" guy but forget to acknowledge that other "smart" men at his age are already thoroughly established, and the "smart" men at a similar stage in life are younger with their prime years still ahead of them. Then consider:

 

- Most women in his age appropriate dating pool are taken by his age, and if they aren't, they'll probably make 2x more money than him for at least the next two years while he finishes school, and perhaps after (I'm sure plenty of women in here will talk about how unimportant this is, but let's be honest, it matters to a lot of people).

 

- Making $80K/year in California is not much, so it's not like a woman waiting out his schooling is going to be disproportionately rewarded for the time invested when he does graduate (see the surgeon scenario above). She has to deal with 2 years of him making $30K at age 39 (barely scraping by in CA), then when he finally starts making a normal salary, he's already 41 with presumably not much at all in the bank and his best years behind him.

 

Despite some responses, I don't think think it will be easy for OP as everyone seems to think, but you never know. Best of luck to him regardless.

 

(I also would not mention that model plane thing either).

 

OK, now we're getting somewhere. It absolutely does depend on the women I'm trying to date, and by corollary, the men I'm competing with. If I'm trying to date a woman who is my "intellectual equal," meaning someone possessing or pursuing a graduate degree from a similarly-ranked university as my own, then absolutely I'm at a disadvantage, because why would she date a 39-year-old grad student when she could date a 29-year-old grad student, or 39-year-old lawyer who'd been in law practice for 10 years? You're right, I can't compete with that. If we're just talking about money and status, I'm at a huge disadvantage to women in that group. Men with advanced degrees are not rare, especially to women with advanced degrees.

 

So I can think of two options. One is to pursue women who don't have graduate degrees and who would feel like they were getting a bargain by dating me. That might sound a little arrogant, but since money and status are the issues at hand, I see no way to avoid talking about it.

 

The other option is to pursue women with whom I feel a special connection, as suggested by others here. For example, I'm an ex-Mormon, and whenever I meet another ex-Mormon (or even an active Mormon) there's immediately a special spark between us that transcends whatever status or other issues may divide us. We immediately "get" each other, regardless of our different backgrounds. Or if there's something else special that we have between us, some unique bond we share, status gaps don't seem so important. Or if she has kind of a thing for physicists, or surfers, or aerial photographers. Thinking back on my past relationships, this seems like it might be the best plan, to look for someone with whom I share a special connection that makes issues of money and status feel less important.

Edited March 13, 2018 by Wave Rider

[d0nnivain]

Dating is about the whole package.

 

Pursue your education & keep your eyes open for that special someone. Stop thinking that there is some magic formula.

 

I was 39 when I met my husband. I have a fancy degree; owned my own business & was routinely in the news for my accomplishments. He was an under employed Marine Veteran, 5 years younger then me, delivering news papers to make ends meet & taking classes on line hoping to get his bachelor's degree. I had a part time job in addition to my business teaching in a Master's Program as an adjunct professor. The schools I have taught at are more prestigious then the one he graduated from. Several of my friends recommended I take a pass on him because he didn't have his act together in his mid 30s. I saw a spark & like I said, I made my own money. 2 years after we were married he finally got his degree. He has a great job that he loves making awesome money now. In the lean years he makes more then me.

 

Be yourself. Date somebody who you click with & let the rest go.

[Veronica73]

Well, I think a special connection is the best way to build a relationship regardless. But even if it weren’t... your financial situation and “status” are temporary. If you are going to a good school and are doing well... then I imagine you could do a lot with a physics PhD. That is a bit...higher “status”... than a PhD in communications, or anthropology, or an MBA from Phoenix university, or somebody who has been in middle management for the past 8 years. You’re fine. You’re a catch. I wouldn’t worry about it or limit yourself. If you have a great personality and ethics, AND you’re getting a PhD in physics from a good school... you’re a catch. Not that you should be cocky or shallow or anything, but personally, I think you’re good. Don’t be insecure about where you are at.

[healing light]

Haven't read the responses to this thread but I'll answer your original post:

 

I'd love to date someone with your qualifications if I were single (I'm 32, so probably in the age range of women you might be looking for if that gives you any relief). I love focused brainy types, money is not that important to me, and it sounds like you will have a good career in front of you. Not only that, but it sounds like you have a full life with outside hobbies, so that's great. I would consider you to be quite the catch if I were attracted to you and liked your personality.

[healing light]

Ps. That you're the president of the model airplane club would be a turn on for me. I like men who aren't afraid to be themselves or embrace their quirks! Unique hobbies and interests definitely qualify.

[Maggie4]

You seem to focus on money and status. I don't think that's the issue here. You are realistic, which is good. But because of your age, you should address candidly the question "what have you been doing for the past 17 years?" The question will come up at employment and in dating. I'm sure it also came up in your department.

 

You are not just a 39 y.o. physics grad student. You are also that person who did this and that for all those years prior to grad school. It can be super interesting and impressive (I don't mean money), or can be disappointing if you've been living in your parents' basement playing video games. It is more you, than "future physicist".

 

Basically the woman you date will be just as interested as an employer, in what your CV says about the past 20 years of your life. You have not addressed that question in this thread.

[normal person]

OK, now we're getting somewhere. It absolutely does depend on the women I'm trying to date, and by corollary, the men I'm competing with. If I'm trying to date a woman who is my "intellectual equal," meaning someone possessing or pursuing a graduate degree from a similarly-ranked university as my own, then absolutely I'm at a disadvantage, because why would she date a 39-year-old grad student when she could date a 29-year-old grad student, or 39-year-old lawyer who'd been in law practice for 10 years? You're right, I can't compete with that. If we're just talking about money and status, I'm at a huge disadvantage to women in that group. Men with advanced degrees are not rare, especially to women with advanced degrees.

 

So I can think of two options. One is to pursue women who don't have graduate degrees and who would feel like they were getting a bargain by dating me. That might sound a little arrogant, but since money and status are the issues at hand, I see no way to avoid talking about it.

 

The other option is to pursue women with whom I feel a special connection, as suggested by others here. For example, I'm an ex-Mormon, and whenever I meet another ex-Mormon (or even an active Mormon) there's immediately a special spark between us that transcends whatever status or other issues may divide us. We immediately "get" each other, regardless of our different backgrounds. Or if there's something else special that we have between us, some unique bond we share, status gaps don't seem so important. Or if she has kind of a thing for physicists, or surfers, or aerial photographers. Thinking back on my past relationships, this seems like it might be the best plan, to look for someone with whom I share a special connection that makes issues of money and status feel less important.

 

Yeah, I'm just suggesting you be realistic. I'm sure there will be plenty of people who won't care about your situation, but let's not deny the reality that plenty will. You're obviously smart enough to see for yourself and take it all on a case by case basis. But just simplifying it into a thread: "39 y/o physics masters student -- is that good?" is bound to lose some of the necessary nuance that you'll have to consider that don't get thought about when people respond in the vacuum of the thread. Yes, graduate degrees are attractive. Yes, smart people are better than not smart people. But you have a unique situation and there are plenty of other factors that other people will consider in conjunction with their own desires that you're going to have to consider as well. Seeing a bunch of responses like "Omg yes! Smart guys are the best!" is really only a part of the story.

 

Best of luck.

[thefooloftheyear]

I must admit, I always find these "Ladies would you date [someone like the OP]" threads to be a waste of time, frankly

 

Anyway, just going by this thread there are at least a couple women who think what you are doing is just the coolest thing. Maybe you'd click back too. It just takes one....

 

Agreed....

 

Here's how it usually goes....

 

-Struggling guy(nice guy/ late bloomer/short guy, etc take your pick) starts a "woe is me, can't get laid, can't find any women to date me" thread...

 

At least half the women in the thread jump up and down and shout how awesome/smart/clever./sweet he is and how much of a great catch he would be, and that any woman would be thrilled to be with him.....

 

Peruse the other threads where the Alpha bad boys routinely get slammed up and down as not being worthy of anything....

 

Fast forward 6 months/year/whatever....

 

The same struggling guys are still struggling and the other guys are nowhere to be found...on here anyway...

 

No offense to the ladies, and I really don't get it, but it does seem like they like to blow wind up these guys behinds, but would never put their money where their mouth is...You would think that if half of the women in this small community, on a single thread, thought these guys were so great, then how hard could it really be for them to find a woman?? Like I said ....makes no sense...

 

Anyway....

 

The only way a quality woman, IME, would see a 40 year old student, still trying to figure out the direction of his life/career is negative...I think it's commendable, and the OP sounds like a good and decent guy, but any woman I know is not going to see that as desirable..I can see if he had accomplishments in another career, but now want to take their life in a different direction...Sure...that's different...

 

But take heed and pay attention to NoGo....Maybe you will get lucky and find some woman that doesn't care and will carry you financially and/or let you live in her house...They are out there..

 

Good luck...

 

TFY

[Moves Like Jagger]

What some girls say: They love guys who are smart and have great jobs. They find those type of guys marriage material. Nerdy, geeky guys are cool and trendy. Being shy is so cute.

 

What girls generally do: They date guys who are confident, social, and have a masculine vibe. They have sex with and get in relationship with guys who are in touch with their feelings and have a sense of humor. They like guys who lead. They don't have a problem passing up the engineer or the computer programmer for the clerk who is easy to talk to.

 

What girls say: They want Spock.

 

What girls do: They hook up with Captain Kirk. He is the man of action who stands up for what he believes in.

 

What girls say: They want to date that geeky guy who wears glasses. Go Stephen Hawking.

 

What girls do: They stereotype Dr. Geeky Guy as having poor social skills. I heard this girl complain about how this professor had poor social skills. The poor guy looked like Father Mulcahy from the TV show MASH. I also know this college instructor that was sad that women in his social circle ignored him. Then again he kept on making the mistake of hitting on women outside his league.

 

What I'm trying to say is that some women overrate the importance of education and career and they ignore the importance of social skills, appearance, and vibe. You don't have to be some player to attract women. I see plenty of cool guys without college degrees talk about their wives and kids. These guys aren't super good looking. They look like regular guys. On the other hand, you have smart guys who struggle with women because they look like the victims of schoolyard bullying.

 

I care more about the OP's vibe and social skills than how many fancy degrees he has.

[basil67]

While it wouldn't be ideal, I wouldn't necessarily rule out someone in your position.

 

However, a look at your previous threads such as http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/633944-rare-personality-there-fewer-people-i-connect throws up too many issues regarding your inability to connect with others and seemingly judgmental attitude towards their pursuits. We wouldn't make it out of the starting gates.

[Wave Rider]

Ah yes, thefooloftheyear and Moves Like Jagger, this thread would be remiss if we didn’t hear from those in the PUA school of thought. Here’s the deal. Bad boys and alphas may get laid a lot, but they generally make terrible husbands. I want to take responsibility for a real relationship. Sure, I could build a persona as a bad boy, but eventually I’d have to sell my motorcycle to pay for the divorce lawyer. No thanks.

 

And for all those who say that I should keep my model airplane hobby to myself: I really enjoy flying my planes and drones, I get paid to do real estate aerial photography with my drone, and I have a club of 15 people who look to me for leadership, a club that I created. So if any “alphas” don’t like my model airplanes, then, as they say in China, these “alphas” can go fruck themselves, because I love my model airplanes.

[Wave Rider]

While it wouldn't be ideal, I wouldn't necessarily rule out someone in your position.

 

However, a look at your previous threads such as http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/633944-rare-personality-there-fewer-people-i-connect throws up too many issues regarding your inability to connect with others and seemingly judgmental attitude towards their pursuits. We wouldn't make it out of the starting gates.

 

You have a good memory. Yeah, I did post that thread. I stand by some of what I said there, though perhaps not all of it. I will say that I have different values than most of the people I meet. It’s a tough spot to be in, because I’m inclined to stick with my values, though there does seem to be a practical limit to that.