2 dates in - like her but small worries

[Sbla22]

Update:

 

Ok, I'm really confused now.

 

On Friday night we had our '5th date' in just over 2 weeks of meeting for our first date. This 5th date involved me going to her house, we ordered a pizza, watched a movie and had a chilled evening then slept together for the third time and I stayed over. In the morning we went for breakfast, then back to hers for a bit before I had to leave.

 

Everything seemed pretty good. When we were lying in bed we talked about all sorts of stuff then I asked her how she was feeling about us and I said it feels like we have known each other longer than 2 weeks. She said she is having fun with me. So I said I am too but said at some stage fun isn't enough, that I don't multi date and that I always hope the person I am dating wants to progress further down the line. She didn't really say much and was lying down with her eyes closed but listening to me. So I asked if she was on the same page and she said yeah she was and also doesn't multi date.

 

So when I left her house yesterday after breakfast I was going to a football match and said I'd text her later.

 

There was about a 6 hour gap then I text her asking how her day had been and she said fine and that she watched some rugby. I asked her if the rugby was good and she didn't reply until this morning which I thought was odd as it was only around 8 PM on a saturday night when I text so not like she would have fallen asleep.

 

Today I said let's do something Tuesday, so she says 'yeah can do Tuesday, what do you have in mind?'

 

Me: 'let's get a carvery then go back to yours and watch a movie?'

 

Her: 'a carvery!? How romantic...'

 

Me: 'or an Italian, if you find Italian food more romantic! '

 

Her: Yeah, ok.

 

Me: I'll get the waiters to serenade you with music...

 

Her: Ew, don't.

 

Me: haha, not really! Don't worry

 

Her: I don't think a carvery on a 6th date is romantic but serenading is too far. I like somewhere in between.

 

----

 

Tbh I was kind of pissed off with this - it made me feel bad and like an idiot. I had sort of assumed we were past the '5th date, 6th date' kind of stuff as she has asked me back to hers a few times already so feels like we are more comfy. So when I said about the carvery I just meant as a nice quick bit of food after work.

 

In person it seems great but then she seems to be quite cold through text. I don't think this is me being insecure, she isn't being flirty or even putting any kisses on the texts (I tried to put some last week and she didn't reciprocate) feels like I am making all the effort inbetween dates at the moment. Is this normal? I sometimes feel like her human dildo :/

[FilterCoffee]

You’re getting way too carried away man. I think you’re moving too fast and that’s scaring her. Stop analysing every little thing and just enjoy the ride!

Edited March 18, 2018 by FilterCoffee

[Versacehottie]

Update:

 

Ok, I'm really confused now.

 

On Friday night we had our '5th date' in just over 2 weeks of meeting for our first date. This 5th date involved me going to her house, we ordered a pizza, watched a movie and had a chilled evening then slept together for the third time and I stayed over. In the morning we went for breakfast, then back to hers for a bit before I had to leave.

 

Everything seemed pretty good. When we were lying in bed we talked about all sorts of stuff then I asked her how she was feeling about us and I said it feels like we have known each other longer than 2 weeks. She said she is having fun with me. So I said I am too but said at some stage fun isn't enough, that I don't multi date and that I always hope the person I am dating wants to progress further down the line. She didn't really say much and was lying down with her eyes closed but listening to me. So I asked if she was on the same page and she said yeah she was and also doesn't multi date.

 

So when I left her house yesterday after breakfast I was going to a football match and said I'd text her later.

 

There was about a 6 hour gap then I text her asking how her day had been and she said fine and that she watched some rugby. I asked her if the rugby was good and she didn't reply until this morning which I thought was odd as it was only around 8 PM on a saturday night when I text so not like she would have fallen asleep.

 

Today I said let's do something Tuesday, so she says 'yeah can do Tuesday, what do you have in mind?'

 

Me: 'let's get a carvery then go back to yours and watch a movie?'

 

Her: 'a carvery!? How romantic...'

 

Me: 'or an Italian, if you find Italian food more romantic! '

 

Her: Yeah, ok.

 

Me: I'll get the waiters to serenade you with music...

 

Her: Ew, don't.

 

Me: haha, not really! Don't worry

 

Her: I don't think a carvery on a 6th date is romantic but serenading is too far. I like somewhere in between.

 

----

 

Tbh I was kind of pissed off with this - it made me feel bad and like an idiot. I had sort of assumed we were past the '5th date, 6th date' kind of stuff as she has asked me back to hers a few times already so feels like we are more comfy. So when I said about the carvery I just meant as a nice quick bit of food after work.

 

In person it seems great but then she seems to be quite cold through text. I don't think this is me being insecure, she isn't being flirty or even putting any kisses on the texts (I tried to put some last week and she didn't reciprocate) feels like I am making all the effort inbetween dates at the moment. Is this normal? I sometimes feel like her human dildo :/

 

ohhhhh Sbla22, I know it's easier said than done to just enjoy things but that's what you need to find a way to do. You are always looking for the negative (which you can always find some "not perfect" thing if you try in everything so it's a fool's errand). The important thing was that you asked her to be exclusive and she agreed. Much less so to judge her on her text tone. It makes you feel insecure but that's because you are looking for far too much reassurance from it. And from every little thing.

 

I also think she is being real about where she is right now. She might not be the overly mushy type (sounds like you are). It might be too soon for her. None of that is a reflection on you--but it will be if you make it an issue and keep getting bent out of shape about it. On one level you can't want a gf so badly that you want the person in front of you to be different because she is willing to be with you. She is who she is. So you need to decide if she is the type of girl that could make you happy because of the personality she has. Maybe you are compromising too much because you want a gf? Maybe you are being too nitpicky in a quest to get reassurance and sooth your anxiety? Maybe you expectations are just out of line with the timeframe of the relationship so far? I think it could be all of those things.

 

From the text exchange you copied here and your convo in bed, I think she is giving you small signals to slow down and not try to force things. She mentioned fun (and even romantic!!) but you are going over the top. She is letting you know that she is not super mushy or it is too soon. Actually the fact that the serenading came into the discussion was really good (i know it seemed like it was half-joking) because you were able to use that over the top romantic gesture to gauge where she is with things right now & who she is as a person. She thinks it's either too soon for over the top & she is not mushy--or maybe she also just doesn't like the attention of a serenade (me either!!). But instead of accepting this info as feedback, you are all in your head and about yourself. A friend of mine who is very girly and would seem to be the type to like flowers always seems to get guys who send her flowers pretty soon and then again haha. She actually doesn't like when guys send her flowers. Idk it doesn't totally make sense to me because she likes some other mushy stuff (probably also a NO on the serenading though!) but she doesn't like guys sending her flowers. It really has nothing to do with the guys. Some of them she has really loved and been in serious relationships with. It's just not her thing. Try to apply that logic.

 

She is having fun, enjoy it and take it slower with your emotions, whatever you are putting forth right now emotionally is based on faux things anyway--you don't really know her, you actually don't like some things about her, and your reasons for wanting to lock her down are based in your anxiety, not really about her.

 

I actually think where she is right now is right on target for that amount of dates, closeness so far. And also for the fact that she is still letting you do a lot of the initiating. You should enjoy it not be put off by it (that is your insecurity talking). Now if you feel she is pushing for more expensive or extravagant dates (because I'm assuming a carvery is a sandwich shop?) that you have paid for everything well you may have a point. IMO, it's often less about the money but she might not want to feel as if you have settled in and are not trying to impress her. Most girls are acutely aware that guys put a lot of effort in at the beginning so if you appear to be slacking off or settling in to a bf/gf routine or being lazy about the dating, she will likely worry that she will not get this beginning period that is what IS actually romantic!! Which btw I do think a sandwich shop could be romantic with the right person--anywhere can be!!! It's just a bit of a misstep in her interpretation but she is giving you feedback so you can correct it--you don't want to seem boring or lazy and that you don't come up with fun things to do with her or are open to that.

 

What is a carvery, btw? Is it like a butcher sandwich shop?

[Sbla22]

ohhhhh Sbla22, I know it's easier said than done to just enjoy things but that's what you need to find a way to do. You are always looking for the negative (which you can always find some "not perfect" thing if you try in everything so it's a fool's errand). The important thing was that you asked her to be exclusive and she agreed. Much less so to judge her on her text tone. It makes you feel insecure but that's because you are looking for far too much reassurance from it. And from every little thing.

 

I also think she is being real about where she is right now. She might not be the overly mushy type (sounds like you are). It might be too soon for her. None of that is a reflection on you--but it will be if you make it an issue and keep getting bent out of shape about it. On one level you can't want a gf so badly that you want the person in front of you to be different because she is willing to be with you. She is who she is. So you need to decide if she is the type of girl that could make you happy because of the personality she has. Maybe you are compromising too much because you want a gf? Maybe you are being too nitpicky in a quest to get reassurance and sooth your anxiety? Maybe you expectations are just out of line with the timeframe of the relationship so far? I think it could be all of those things.

 

From the text exchange you copied here and your convo in bed, I think she is giving you small signals to slow down and not try to force things. She mentioned fun (and even romantic!!) but you are going over the top. She is letting you know that she is not super mushy or it is too soon. Actually the fact that the serenading came into the discussion was really good (i know it seemed like it was half-joking) because you were able to use that over the top romantic gesture to gauge where she is with things right now & who she is as a person. She thinks it's either too soon for over the top & she is not mushy--or maybe she also just doesn't like the attention of a serenade (me either!!). But instead of accepting this info as feedback, you are all in your head and about yourself. A friend of mine who is very girly and would seem to be the type to like flowers always seems to get guys who send her flowers pretty soon and then again haha. She actually doesn't like when guys send her flowers. Idk it doesn't totally make sense to me because she likes some other mushy stuff (probably also a NO on the serenading though!) but she doesn't like guys sending her flowers. It really has nothing to do with the guys. Some of them she has really loved and been in serious relationships with. It's just not her thing. Try to apply that logic.

 

She is having fun, enjoy it and take it slower with your emotions, whatever you are putting forth right now emotionally is based on faux things anyway--you don't really know her, you actually don't like some things about her, and your reasons for wanting to lock her down are based in your anxiety, not really about her.

 

I actually think where she is right now is right on target for that amount of dates, closeness so far. And also for the fact that she is still letting you do a lot of the initiating. You should enjoy it not be put off by it (that is your insecurity talking). Now if you feel she is pushing for more expensive or extravagant dates (because I'm assuming a carvery is a sandwich shop?) that you have paid for everything well you may have a point. IMO, it's often less about the money but she might not want to feel as if you have settled in and are not trying to impress her. Most girls are acutely aware that guys put a lot of effort in at the beginning so if you appear to be slacking off or settling in to a bf/gf routine or being lazy about the dating, she will likely worry that she will not get this beginning period that is what IS actually romantic!! Which btw I do think a sandwich shop could be romantic with the right person--anywhere can be!!! It's just a bit of a misstep in her interpretation but she is giving you feedback so you can correct it--you don't want to seem boring or lazy and that you don't come up with fun things to do with her or are open to that.

 

What is a carvery, btw? Is it like a butcher sandwich shop?

 

 

Thank you for your reply as always, I wish you could be the rational part of my brain! I think everything you said is true. I know that I crave a relationship and because we have slept together a few times that has made me think this could get serious some time as that doesn't usually happen that quickly for me...which I guess is sort of the opposite for most people!

 

I wish I was more secure in myself, just don't want to keep investing only for her to break it off with me like others have done before.

 

I don't know if you've ever seen 'Love' on Netflix but Gus said a good metaphor the other day 'I feel sometimes like I'm a big bowl of Mac and Cheese. Like the first few bites are delicious and so good. Then you take another few and you feel eh, I'm getting a bit sick of this. Then after you have most of the bowl you never want to have Mac and Cheese again'

 

Well that's how I feel too sometimes about myself

 

Carvery dinner is just a roast dinner at a pub

[Versacehottie]

Thank you for your reply as always, I wish you could be the rational part of my brain! I think everything you said is true. I know that I crave a relationship and because we have slept together a few times that has made me think this could get serious some time as that doesn't usually happen that quickly for me...which I guess is sort of the opposite for most people!

 

I wish I was more secure in myself, just don't want to keep investing only for her to break it off with me like others have done before.

 

I don't know if you've ever seen 'Love' on Netflix but Gus said a good metaphor the other day 'I feel sometimes like I'm a big bowl of Mac and Cheese. Like the first few bites are delicious and so good. Then you take another few and you feel eh, I'm getting a bit sick of this. Then after you have most of the bowl you never want to have Mac and Cheese again'

 

Well that's how I feel too sometimes about myself

 

Carvery dinner is just a roast dinner at a pub

 

Thanks! Listen you've got to give yourself a break--not a pass but a break. That's why I keep recommending that you do some work on your anxiety and self-worth. You don't have to go to a therapist like if you can't afford one, just even a book will help. So give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up. And at the same time, TAKE ACTION to change something that is not the best in you & is messing with your goals.

 

What I bolded, is you can never guarantee yourself a positive outcome in any relationship--well correction you can take yourself out of the game totally to prevent being hurt but I wouldn't recommend that and it's not what you want to do, is it? You can increase your chances that a relationship will be more successful, such as picking the right person for you, having good communication and getting your anxiety under control. It's funny the VERY things you are allowing yourself with your anxiety ARE the VERY things that have the most chance of ruining it for you, i.e. getting too clingy, needing too much reassurance, not feeling like you can speak up, not picking well for yourself in desperation to just have a gf, not the one best suited for you (which I don't know if this is true or not, just that you are ignoring some things you don't like about her because you are more concerned with keeping it going rather than assessing the person in front of you--and/or maybe you know some of the things you don't like about her are a little irrational of you). Anyway, bolded...accept that breakups happen to everyone, there is always a risk or a chance of that. Accept that whatever DOES happen you will survive and be fine. If you've been broken up with before, you're still here right and you almost have a new gf! You will be fine--life is a series of ups and downs. Life is meant to be experienced. Once you believe in yourself, you can enjoy the experience and dating is in one way seeking the person that is best for you so the "failures" and getting up to try again BRING YOU CLOSER. This girl sounds cool so far so she must see something similar in you. From your text exchange, you sound good to me. The stuff in the bed was a little needy, to me--or maybe more accurately that you speak from a place of negativity, pessimism or "lack", that will wear thin or feel like a burden--again stuff you can work on if you work on your anxiety or self worth. But the fact that you have anxiety isn't the entirety of who you are--it's just a part, that can be managed and coped with. The rest sounds good so stop doubting yourself.

 

I haven't seen the show you mentioned but it sounds fun. I love macaroni and cheese to the last drop so give yourself so credit, someone will like you for exactly who you are--even if you are managing you anxiety! But you need to do your best and not put that burden on others or take them through your negative thought process most of the time--only every now and then, because the rest of the time it's mostly fueled by your low self-worth and you gotta work on that so as not to visit it on others. Plus it will make you more attractive. People that feel like they will be ok, with or without someone and don't need reassurance are VERY attractive. So if rather than telling yourself you are "fixing" something wrong with you, tell yourself that you are learning how to make yourself more attractive and then invest in your self-worth. You typically can't get it permanently from "being" with another person. Such as having a worthy gf, won't give you self-worth if you can't create it in yourself. It can give you a temporary boost but usually if you don't have it, you will cling to that person because it is where you are getting your validation rather than self-validating.

 

What I have noticed about pessimistic or anxious people is that often they fail to take action to deal with their anxiety as if almost to "prove" to the world that they are right and see they knew they were gonna fail/get dumped/etc. It's weird they almost have like a perverse attraction to this cycle. But are so unhappy at the same time. I wouldn't choose to be this kind of person and on some level when there are solutions, you would be wasting time and not living life to its fullest potential if you don't take advantage of the solutions and try to improve your relationship with yourself.

 

Ok good luck

[JDJ]

Her texts are perfectly normal. All she told you was that she'd like something a bit nicer than the carvery. That Italian would be ok. Why not just take her to an Italian restaurant? She even joked around with you about the serenading. There is nothing cold at all in her response. It's the OP that is acting strangely and just needs to chill out. If he does not step up and take her out to a proper restaurant, she might assume that now that she's had sex with him, he won't make any further effort with her. And she doesn't want a future of cold sandwiches...

[Sbla22]

Update:

 

So last night we went on our 6th date. We went to the Italian restaurant which is a walkable distance from her house. Then back to hers, had sex for the fourth time and I slept over. I wasn't certain I was staying as it was a work night but I took my work clothes just in case and left them in my car. However as the restaurant she asked what time I get up for work and said 'Try not to wake me up then.' So that was a cool hint!

 

But my problem (always a problem right!?) Is it seems like no matter how good the dates/sex are and no matter how I think it's progressing, after it she always sends me plummeting down to earth again because she seems like I'm the last person in the world she wants to talk to in between dates. Never initiates, takes a long while to respond now (I don't even send her much) and never asks anything about me or my day. I can't get my head round this at all. I know she isn't seeing anyone else (there would be very little time to do so seeing as we have seen each other 6 times in under 3 weeks). She seems interested if she keeps on saying yes to dates, never flaking even slightly and is obviously sexually attracted to me.

 

So why doesn't she ever want to text or call? Why does she act like I don't exist until I see her again?

[Versacehottie]

Update:

 

So last night we went on our 6th date. We went to the Italian restaurant which is a walkable distance from her house. Then back to hers, had sex for the fourth time and I slept over. I wasn't certain I was staying as it was a work night but I took my work clothes just in case and left them in my car. However as the restaurant she asked what time I get up for work and said 'Try not to wake me up then.' So that was a cool hint!

 

But my problem (always a problem right!?) Is it seems like no matter how good the dates/sex are and no matter how I think it's progressing, after it she always sends me plummeting down to earth again because she seems like I'm the last person in the world she wants to talk to in between dates. Never initiates, takes a long while to respond now (I don't even send her much) and never asks anything about me or my day. I can't get my head round this at all. I know she isn't seeing anyone else (there would be very little time to do so seeing as we have seen each other 6 times in under 3 weeks). She seems interested if she keeps on saying yes to dates, never flaking even slightly and is obviously sexually attracted to me.

 

So why doesn't she ever want to text or call? Why does she act like I don't exist until I see her again?

 

You are only looking for NEGATIVE reasons. I know a lot of time in that new stage, she might be doing things like getting all her other obligations done so she has more free time for you, seeing her friends to catch up and tell them all about you; kind of daydreamy and doing beauty/clothing things so she looks good for you. Also she might not want to come off as too clingy to you because she realizes that good things have been blown at the beginning of a relationship if people move too fast or if she shows too much emotion--she could have even been burned herself by that with another guy previous to you. And then there is just the simple fact, that she might not be one for too much chit chat nor enjoying too much frivolous contact in between dates.

 

You know, of course, there could be negative reasons such as she is just not as into you or is slow to open up (that one is not THAT negative) but you've got to CONSIDER the positive ones as well--they are JUST as likely, to me more likely. And it won't change anything to focus on all the worries other than to potential cause yourself to blow it with her. Honestly, you sound pretty needy and it can be a black hole of where whatever she does it will never be enough reassurance for you. Sorry SBLA22 for saying you are needy. There are two people though in this relationship. Just because you process your thoughts one way doesn't make her wrong in her approach or mean she is not into you. She is doing it her way, just as you've allowed yourself to do it.

 

Needy people are weirdly very selfish. It's a bottomless pit of only seeing things from their point of view. A some point you destroy the very thing you are trying to protect (the relationship) because it's exhausting to the other person. And trust me, in some ways you may be concealing it but it will come out in other ways (non-verbal communication, little comments, the way you approach out of fear etc), so the best thing you can do is change you mindset and work on YOU--not attempt to mitigate every thought in your head by real life stuff between you guys. That's the bottomless pit. Because as you can see it will never end.

[Gaeta]

You went on 6 dates since march 6th. That's 6 dates in 2 weeks. That's enormous!! For a brand new relationship. When you see each other that much there is nothing to say between dates. It's a good thing you don't talk between date otherwise you'd grow fed up of each other soon.

[Sbla22]

Update: We ended things last night after 7 dates.

 

I realised she just wasn't very into me - was quite rude to me a few times and I don't think we were very compatible. She seemed a bit emotionally closed off.

 

We went to a comedy event last night then slept together back at hers after it. But then she did her usual thing of closing off completely after sex. The minute we finished she said she was tired, rolled over and closed her eyes.

 

So I asked her how she was feeling about me and she said 'I'm tired sorry'.

 

So I said I wasn't sure this was working - that I liked spending time with her but was getting a lot of mixed signals.

 

She said she wasn't sure if she was into me or not and didn't want anything too serious after a bad break up a few months back.

 

I said we wanted different things and that it didn't feel like a fun start for me as she wasn't really making much effort to contact me. I also said if she wasn't sure about me after 7 dates then it wasn't going to work anyway and that I wanted to see someone who was excited to be with me after that many dates...she got a little annoyed but tbh I don't feel.sad at all. It's another case of trusting my gut - I KNEW there was something off. It was like she was agreeing to see me to fill some time and have some sex but she wanted nothing else to do with me other than that.

[Versacehottie]

Update: We ended things last night after 7 dates.

 

I realised she just wasn't very into me - was quite rude to me a few times and I don't think we were very compatible. She seemed a bit emotionally closed off.

 

We went to a comedy event last night then slept together back at hers after it. But then she did her usual thing of closing off completely after sex. The minute we finished she said she was tired, rolled over and closed her eyes.

 

So I asked her how she was feeling about me and she said 'I'm tired sorry'.

 

So I said I wasn't sure this was working - that I liked spending time with her but was getting a lot of mixed signals.

 

She said she wasn't sure if she was into me or not and didn't want anything too serious after a bad break up a few months back.

 

I said we wanted different things and that it didn't feel like a fun start for me as she wasn't really making much effort to contact me. I also said if she wasn't sure about me after 7 dates then it wasn't going to work anyway and that I wanted to see someone who was excited to be with me after that many dates...she got a little annoyed but tbh I don't feel.sad at all. It's another case of trusting my gut - I KNEW there was something off. It was like she was agreeing to see me to fill some time and have some sex but she wanted nothing else to do with me other than that.

 

On one hand you did some things right in breaking up---you decided she wasn't living up to your standards of how you want to be treated and what you need. Congratulations on that.

 

On the other hand, i just want to caution you about a couple of things that you can do better next time. The negative thinking has got to stop. Even in your analysis of this event you are very pessimistic--in the face of yourself taking a positive step and proactive one about your life. With not much invested, it should almost make you feel relieved and happy that you have not wasted any more time. The way you phrase things is very fatalistic. I'm telling you if you don't think that is having an impact on how others are reacting to you, you are seriously fooling yourself. An example would be that she is out there dating, if she was having a better time with you, i think she would have been swept up and treating you better and happy to keep going and it'd be something that would build for both of you mutually. I don't buy, nor should you, that the entire reason is that she is not ready yet for a relationship/hurt from her last one. Your "gut" due to your anxiety has a tendency to be off!

 

Bolded: that's some real needy sh*t demanding reassurance at nearly every turn. I hope that you get some help for your anxiety at some point.

 

But congratulations on at least, whether it was misguided or not, having a look at whether she was up to your standards or not. That IS a step in the right direction. Good luck

[greymatter]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I know it's good you found out how she felt, but I know it doesn't feel good, at all.