2 dates in - like her but small worries

[JimmyNYC]

You are right to be cautious about that ex. From what she said, it seems she is still into him and he is not all that into her and she is still hanging on for hope. not a good sign. However, like other posters' said, it may be a good sign she is being honest with you. Might be a good sign of her character. But way too early to tell(about her character) I wouldn't worry about that other guy she said she is friends with.

 

If you really like her and have good feelings about her, then have a few more dates at least. Then after about 5 more dates or so if you two are getting close, see if she even mentions this ex or guy friend anymore. She may not. If all things go well, she may transfer her interest and affection TO YOU and forget about these other guys. If after 5 or so more dates (however many it takes to start dating exclusively), and she DOES NOT nix those two guys then you must have a talk with her about. If she continues to do things that make you feel uncomfortable and suspicious after that time, they you'll have to move on, brother. Good luck.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Firstly why are you asking if you can call her? That's nearly as bad as asking a girl if you can kiss her.

 

I prefer to be asked. Everyone who knows me well knows I hate talking on the phone so they always ask "can I call you?" The only people who just call without asking are my mom and sister. And sometimes one friend from college, but she does that mostly because she knows I will rarely answer and then she leaves me super long voicemails to annoy me .

[JimmyNYC]

Firstly why are you asking if you can call her? That's nearly as bad as asking a girl if you can kiss her.

 

Personally I hate it when someone calls me out of the blue. It's so 1990s! I never do it. I always text first and see if they are free. And I like the same in return.

[iVisa]

Stop to analyze her every move! Don't think about her every sentence. Just relax and enjoy your dates.

[Sbla22]

Update:

 

So we have gone on 4 dates and had sex twice! It is going really well in person and I am staying at hers tomorrow night for a Netflix and chill kind of evening

 

But her texting is still a slight concern. Sometimes she will seem pretty enthusiastic in her texts but then the next minute it's completely different.

 

Case in point - yesterday I text her in the afternoon at work and she responded saying 'we should have pizza and make cakes on Friday!' And other enthusiastic stuff

 

But then we both got back to work so at around 7 pm I asked how her afternoon had gone and she said busy but she enjoyed it. Then I asked if she was up to anything later on and said I was going to a restaurant with family.

 

All she put back to that was 'nah, just chilling with housemates.' Didn't ask about my meal or anything else so I left it after that.

 

Seems really strange! I am not bombarding her phone in the slightest and I know it's still early on since we met but feels a bit off to me that she could just kill the texting conversation dead like that.

 

Any ideas?

[Versacehottie]

Update:

 

So we have gone on 4 dates and had sex twice! It is going really well in person and I am staying at hers tomorrow night for a Netflix and chill kind of evening

 

But her texting is still a slight concern. Sometimes she will seem pretty enthusiastic in her texts but then the next minute it's completely different.

 

Case in point - yesterday I text her in the afternoon at work and she responded saying 'we should have pizza and make cakes on Friday!' And other enthusiastic stuff

 

But then we both got back to work so at around 7 pm I asked how her afternoon had gone and she said busy but she enjoyed it. Then I asked if she was up to anything later on and said I was going to a restaurant with family.

 

All she put back to that was 'nah, just chilling with housemates.' Didn't ask about my meal or anything else so I left it after that.

 

Seems really strange! I am not bombarding her phone in the slightest and I know it's still early on since we met but feels a bit off to me that she could just kill the texting conversation dead like that.

 

Any ideas?

 

Omygosh, you are not creating ANOTHER silly little worry when everything else is going well??!!? I think you need the Netflix and CHILL a lot!! Listen, one way to deal (the best in this case) with your anxiety is to take action. So you have a worry about her texting at the moment. Rather than put your brain in overdrive and mess things up with her via layers of miscommunication, you can take action. The choices are: A) ask her why her text didn't have any questions for you and tell her how it makes you feel B)DECIDE to let it go. I'd personally choose B and then KNOWING that you have anxiety issues that get the best of you, buy a book or see someone to address that.

 

This is a tough way to live & will definitely influence your all of your relationships. Plus worrying about it won't change anything. Wouldn't it be nice to just enjoy this new person in your life?

[Sbla22]

I know it seems silly when in person it's going well but just feels like she doesn't want to speak to me much in between, which makes me think she's not as into me as I thought or she has someone else - when I like someone I don't just end a texting conversation so abruptly with a 'nah just chilling with housemates.'

[alphamale]

I know it seems silly when in person it's going well but just feels like she doesn't want to speak to me much in between, which makes me think she's not as into me as I thought or she has someone else - when I like someone I don't just end a texting conversation so abruptly with a 'nah just chilling with housemates.'

 

you're having sex...don't look a gift horse in the mouth

[Sbla22]

you're having sex...don't look a gift horse in the mouth

 

 

Which usually I have never done after knowing her for only 2 weeks so that is good though I am after a serious thing eventually so sex doesn't really mean everything to me - I take more stock in communication and getting a vibe someone really wants to be with me which has happened only twice in my life so far out of maybe 30 women I have been on at least a date with.

[Cookiesandough]

Do you have a lot of free time? I find that ppl are more likely to fall into the anxious dater trap if they aren’t stimulated enough. No hobbies or even a desk job where they aren’t doing something else to stay preoccupied

[Sbla22]

Do you have a lot of free time? I find that ppl are more likely to fall into the anxious dater trap if they aren’t stimulated enough. No hobbies or even a desk job where they aren’t doing something else to stay preoccupied

 

Not really - I mean today I worked from 8 until 3 with no real break as I'm a teacher. Then drove home which takes an hour. Then got haircut. So I have been active all day pretty much.

 

It's more the fact that she basically makes it difficult to text her and I don't really get that if you like someone a lot? Seems like you'd want to speak to them and find out about their day etc?

[Cookiesandough]

Not really. I don’t like texting, even with guys I like.

[Sbla22]

Not really. I don’t like texting, even with guys I like.

 

So say you aren't seeing someone you like for 3 days. You'd be happy to just not speak at all in that time?

[Gaeta]

So say you aren't seeing someone you like for 3 days. You'd be happy to just not speak at all in that time?

 

This is not a fair question. This woman you are dating has never ignored your text and she initiates texts as well. You are simply wanting a more intense full-time texting from her and it's not happening. Making the conclusion she doesn't need to hear from you because she's not blowing up your phone is a big mistake that will cost you this relationship. She is not doing anything wrong, she is simply not the texter type. Concentrate on your dates. How many times a week do you have dates?

[PRW]

I know it seems silly when in person it's going well but just feels like she doesn't want to speak to me much in between, which makes me think she's not as into me as I thought or she has someone else - when I like someone I don't just end a texting conversation so abruptly with a 'nah just chilling with housemates.'

 

She's handling it exactly the way she should be. Learn from her methods.

 

James Bond does not sit around fretting over "Does she like me, does she not".

 

James Bond also does not worry about if there's another guy. If you're not exclusive then there might be and she is perfectly in her right to do so. If you are exclusive and there is another guy then she is a cheater and you have your answer. But if you keep worrying about it there will be another guy soon.

Edited March 15, 2018 by PRW

[PRW]

I know it seems silly...'

 

Then you should make it a point to stop doing things that seem silly

[Versacehottie]

I know it seems silly when in person it's going well but just feels like she doesn't want to speak to me much in between, which makes me think she's not as into me as I thought or she has someone else - when I like someone I don't just end a texting conversation so abruptly with a 'nah just chilling with housemates.'

 

This is part of getting to know someone and to see if how she acts measures up to what you find acceptable. My guess is that some things she does already do, some will surprise you and you will find adorable (if you keep dating & it keeps going well) and some really won't be your cup of tea but you will deal with it or learn to deal with it because there is a lovable person in her. You can't send every occurrence through your high-tuned filter of what is acceptable and what you would do and what is reassuring to you--because you need to understand that everyone is different and will do things differently. If you can accept that you will be better able to discern if this is a real problem, a problem mainly for you which could be overcome or if you are over magnifying and misunderstanding something insignificant due to your insecurity and anxiety.

 

Since you know you are very anxious, why wouldn't you deal with it and try to manage it rather than visit it upon the people in your life as if your perception is the truth? Anxiety is usually initiated or heightened by imagined scenarios that put your body and your thoughts into fight or flight mode overdrive. It's very difficult to have an enjoyable life with this going on in your head and body--not to mention lots of it is just thoughts of possible, distant and irrational possibilities in your head only and are not based on anything--in this case not understanding how she communicates very well yet. In addition, you may be sending out needy vibes to her which may be the reason she sounded short or blunt with you. Why would you be sending out needy vibes: because you are anxious? And then the cycle and destruction continues. So yeah why wouldn't you want to deal with that (on your end) rather than insisting the thoughts in your head must be right and must mean something?

 

As far as the realistic answers of why she gave a one sentence answer--she is the only one who knows, so you can ask her instead of being afraid to talk to her about it. You can decide she is not for you (an overreaction in my opinion but fair if that's what you feel). Or you can decide to let it go (because rationally it's not a big deal and you know you have a tendency to be anxious). Or we here can give you a ton of reasons speculating (what only she knows!!) that will either validate your negative thought (and feed your anxiety) or invalidate you negative thought and your mind since you have anxiety will rebel against that probably. Like if i said (my top answer), it was nothing, she was probably busy with something else (like watching her movie). Can you accept that or does your mind start running anyway? You see perpetual cycle. That's why you really should deal with the anxiety and learn some coping skills. Good luck

Edited March 15, 2018 by Versacehottie

[Noproblem]

You seem like the jealous type. I would advice this girl to let you go

[alphamale]

James Bond does not sit around fretting over "Does she like me, does she not".

 

he doesn't, at least not on camera

[Gaeta]

She's handling it exactly the way she should be. Learn from her methods.

 

James Bond does not sit around fretting over "Does she like me, does she not".

 

James Bond also does not worry about if there's another guy. If you're not exclusive then there might be and she is perfectly in her right to do so. If you are exclusive and there is another guy then she is a cheater and you have your answer. But if you keep worrying about it there will be another guy soon.

 

James Bond spent his life single going from one James-Bond-girl to another. He was not interested in finding a wife.

[smackie9]

You are going to ruin a perfectly good thing. Sorry but she is not the type that acts like she's 15 with her first BF. She has a life, and it doesn't revolve around you. Stop taking everything so personally. When she has short answers to your texts, that just means she has other things on the go, it doesn't mean she's liking you less. Giver her a break man.

[heavenonearth]

I know it seems silly when in person it's going well but just feels like she doesn't want to speak to me much in between, which makes me think she's not as into me as I thought or she has someone else - when I like someone I don't just end a texting conversation so abruptly with a 'nah just chilling with housemates.'

 

Hi Sbla22,

I completely understand where you are coming from!

I have the exact same issue with my boyfriend ever since we started dating 9 months ago. He is not much of a texter, and I worry a lot when we are not together if he still likes me.

When we are together everything is perfect but when we are not together, and his communication is off/not as enthusiastic as mine, I feel insecure and think that he loses interest.

But deep inside I truly know this is not true, and he actually loves me very much.

 

What you need to realize:

This is YOUR issue and it has nothing to do with her.

It is anxiety.

It is something a lot of people have.

It is usually deeply rooted in childhood experiences and connected to abandonment issues. I have them because my mom left me and my dad for another man when I was 9 years old, out of the blue. Ever since, I think people will leave me without warning signs.

So I get anxious. But especially when there are any sort of signs that can be interpreted as negative, I will go full on downward spiral tripping to anxietyland, imagining the worst case scenario of a situation.

 

Look: You need to work on this.

You can do it on your own or with a therapist.

I was in therapy for this for 3 years and it has helped me a lot.

I now do a lot of tapping exercises. You can find them on youtube.

Try to look for "anxiety EFT tapping".

And maybe read up on schema therapy.

 

You cannot keep projecting your anxieties on this new girl you are seeing because you will sabotage your relationship before it can even flourish.

This is YOUR issue and you need to work on it.

 

All the best.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with heaven who has been through something very similar to you as well so her advice is very relevant.

 

Listen, don't feel bad or silly that you have anxiety. But do something about it so it doesn't take over and ruin good things in your life, potential for good things, even the ability to deal with bad things, and yes how you view yourself. If you let anxiety rule you, you will feel bad (or worse) about yourself.

[PRW]

You are going to ruin a perfectly good thing. Sorry but she is not the type that acts like she's 15 with her first BF. She has a life, and it doesn't revolve around you. Stop taking everything so personally. When she has short answers to your texts, that just means she has other things on the go, it doesn't mean she's liking you less. Giver her a break man.

 

Ditto!!

(I didn't think just clicking like was good enough )

[JDJ]

What others said...

What is more important to you, good sex or good texting?