Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you

[Exformer]

Most of the time my other friends are here as well. So I don't think it's a lie to tell him I'm with my friends, just cuz occasionally my guy friend happens to chill there a bit longer than anyone else.

It's a lie when you mask that there are times that it is only Marc, when you know saying so is something you're bf wants to know. It's called "lies by omission", or "half-truths". Also, you've previously said sometimes it has been only Marc for "a bit" after everyone leaves or before they arrive. You've also said that "a bit longer" sometimes means "hours".

 

But regardless, I think my bf now understands that Marc is not a threat to our relationship.

I would say, at best, you've got your bf to let his guard down a bit over Marc, though I wouldn't bet on it.

 

If anything didn't go well, surprisingly it was with Marc's gf. From talking with Marc, I thought I was going to like her, but I didn't. Apparently, she was also jealous of me and Marc, and made little effort to conceal it.

So you hadn't met his SO before this either? I understand her jealously...Her boyfriend sometimes spends hours alone with a girl she'd never met...sometimes in a hot tub "studying". You guys are supposed to be long time, super close friends who have been through a lot. Isn't it weird that you're both only now meeting each other's partners? I thought it was odd that Marc never met your bf, especially when Marc spends more daytime hours at your bf's house than the bf. It's especially odd that you haven't met his girlfriend until now either.

 

IF you weren't trying to arrange a situation only to put your boyfriend off the hunt, how long would it have been before you met each other's SOs?

 

She also was a poor choice to alleviate my bf's concerns. She wasn't very pretty, and she was fat and even had acne. I was even surprised that Marc was with her, and her poor appearance was not very helpful in achieving what I had in mind, imho.

...the harsh judgement of her physical appearance, and the critical opinion that your strictly platonic friend could do better based on it...this is suspicious to me. It also makes me think maybe Marc is an orbiter after all.

 

The next day I had a long talk with both Marc and my bf and it all seemed good. My bf agreed to never snoop on me again, including having our perverted neighbor watching the place, and I on my part agreed to try and cut back on the amount of time I spend alone with Marc.

Why didn't you agree to this before they met? That would have probably gone a long way. Also, your boyfriend will continue to keep tabs on you. He might be more secretive about it, or even let up for a bit, by he'll cycle back around to it.

 

And from talking with Marc, I think we have an understanding that he will be sensitive to my bf's concerns, and not say anything to him that could make him jealous.

This is code for "there is stuff that would make the boyfriend jealous", but you'll both be keeping that secret. This is more lying by omission/half-truths.

 

I don't know, but it seems like everything is going to work out now. At least I know I feel much better about it.

Everything will seem better for a while, because everyone will be lying to each other and keeping each other in the dark...until they don't anymore. You're boyfriend has a controlling nature that I doubt will stay repressed for long from just one meeting. Edited March 12, 2018 by Exformer

[BaileyB]

I don't know, but it seems like everything is going to work out now. At least I know I feel much better about it.

 

Some things, is seems, can only be learned through experience.

 

Good luck OP. Perhaps you are right, and everyone else in this discussion is wrong... But, I doubt it.

Edited March 12, 2018 by BaileyB

[sgrinaldi]

So you hadn't met his SO before this either? I understand her jealously...Her boyfriend sometimes spends hours alone with a girl she'd never met...sometimes in a hot tub "studying". You guys are supposed to be long time, super close friends who have been through a lot. Isn't it weird that you're both only now meeting each other's partners? I thought it was odd that Marc never met your bf, especially when Marc spends more daytime hours at your bf's house than the bf. It's especially odd that you haven't met his girlfriend until now either.

 

IF you weren't trying to arrange a situation only to put your boyfriend off the hunt, how long would it have been before you met each other's SOs?

 

Well, to be fair I don't think Marc has been seeing this girl very long, and I think they're just fwbs, so it makes sense that he wouldn't have made a point of me meeting her. In my own case, tbh I had just never thought of it. Because of distance and time issues, Marc and my bf rarely cross paths, and their schedules would have made it difficult. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have introduced them to each other before this.

 

...the harsh judgement of her physical appearance, and the critical opinion that your strictly platonic friend could do better based on it...this is suspicious to me. It also makes me think maybe Marc is an orbiter after all.

 

Marc is definitely not an orbiter. The two of us firmly worked out our relationship status long ago.We fooled around a bit in high school, but quickly realized that we didn't think of each other that way, and we agreed to just stay friends. Marc knows this and I know this.

 

Everything will seem better for a while, because everyone will be lying to each other and keeping each other in the dark...until they don't anymore. You're boyfriend has a controlling nature that I doubt will stay repressed for long from just one meeting.

 

Well, we have no reason to keep each other in the dark. Never did. Neither of us have anything to hide. And I think my bf knows this now.

 

I'm pretty confident he's going to end the snooping. Not 100% sure, but pretty confident. He knows that the next time will be the last. I made that perfectly clear to him. If he can't learn to trust me, I can't see any reason to continue this relationship.

[Veronica73]

I hope you’re right and the problem is solved. And I didn’t read this whole thread... but this guy seems scary to me. Like he could end up dangerous. I dated somebody like him before... and I said similar things... “that he’s the best boyfriend I ever had and if it wasn’t for his jealousy and insecurity he’d be perfect”. Well he was abusive and it just got worse to the point that I actually had to call the cops on him and was scared for my life.

[Exformer]

Well, to be fair I don't think Marc has been seeing this girl very long, and I think they're just fwbs, so it makes sense that he wouldn't have made a point of me meeting her. In my own case, tbh I had just never thought of it. Because of distance and time issues, Marc and my bf rarely cross paths, and their schedules would have made it difficult. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have introduced them to each other before this.

Okay, the new fwb thing makes more sense...though it does seem like you've elevated her relationship status to make it seem like he was in a committed relationship. Did you phrase it that way to your bf? In other words, does he know that you think she's only a fwb?

 

I do find it hard to believe that the bf never had a chance to meet a guy who is over at his house often for long periods of time, without some orchestrating on someone's part. You say that you have a group that studies at the house and then hangs out after. You also say that Marc sometimes hangs out for hours before or after everyone else leaves. If you throw going to class in that mix...that's a lot of hours in a single day.

 

If you add many times sharing a bed with Marc so he didn't have to sleep on the floor, as you said in a different thread, it makes it even more unlikely that neither one of you slept until your bf came home, unless someone made sure to wake up before he did...or you only do that when the bf isn't coming home.

 

Marc is definitely not an orbiter. The two of us firmly worked out our relationship status long ago.We fooled around a bit in high school, but quickly realized that we didn't think of each other that way, and we agreed to just stay friends.

If it was mutual, then that's great! It's almost never completely mutual, even if both sides say so, one tends to pine/orbit the other hoping.

 

Well, we have no reason to keep each other in the dark. Never did. Neither of us have anything to hide. And I think my bf knows this now.

Marc's girl is only a fwb, and not a girlfriend, which changes his commitment and availability status. You and Marc hangout in the hot tub together. You have shared a bed with Marc "many times". You and Marc used to fool around in high school. Does your boyfriend know all of this? Would his opinion of Marc change because of this? He's in the dark, and you've framed things to keep him there.

 

After the cameras you know about were turned off, your boyfriend has let you believe he's gotten his information about your activities from the neighbor. This was a guess on your part, and not something he just offered up. All he had to do was let you believe it is true by not denying it. Based on the information he gathered, I doubt it was all from the neighbor, unless the neighbor spends all day with binoculars on your place. If he used other methods he hasn't confessed to, he's keeping them for later use, and keeping you in the dark about them.

 

I'm pretty confident he's going to end the snooping. Not 100% sure, but pretty confident. He knows that the next time will be the last.

I really don't think he'll stop. I think he may back off a bit or just be sneaker for a while, but I don't see such controlling behavior as truly and suddenly changeable, just because he met the guy and his unattractive fwb. Clearly, I'm not going to convince you otherwise. So, just be careful and keep one eye open for signs he's back to it. Holding back, during this time period, could cause him to snap when he finally makes it known that he hasn't changed.

[sgrinaldi]

I hope you’re right and the problem is solved. And I didn’t read this whole thread... but this guy seems scary to me. Like he could end up dangerous. I dated somebody like him before... and I said similar things... “that he’s the best boyfriend I ever had and if it wasn’t for his jealousy and insecurity he’d be perfect”. Well he was abusive and it just got worse to the point that I actually had to call the cops on him and was scared for my life.

 

Well, Veronica, I can assure you that I won't let it get to that point. Like I said, the next time I catch him snooping will be the last. And I made that quite clear to him.

 

I do find it hard to believe that the bf never had a chance to meet a guy who is over at his house often for long periods of time, without some orchestrating on someone's part. You say that you have a group that studies at the house and then hangs out after. You also say that Marc sometimes hangs out for hours before or after everyone else leaves. If you throw going to class in that mix...that's a lot of hours in a single day.

 

If you add many times sharing a bed with Marc so he didn't have to sleep on the floor, as you said in a different thread, it makes it even more unlikely that neither one of you slept until your bf came home, unless someone made sure to wake up before he did...or you only do that when the bf isn't coming home.

 

Marc has only napped here a few times. And my bf works long hours, that is the reason they never met. There was no 'orchestrating' of any kind. He usually doesn't get home until around 7 or 8.

 

If it was mutual, then that's great! It's almost never completely mutual, even if both sides say so, one tends to pine/orbit the other hoping.

 

It's mutual. Marc might be sexually attracted to me, but we already experimented in that area, and we both agreed that we were more compatible as friends than lovers. We still flirt sometimes, but not seriously. Neither of us are hoping for anything more than what we have - a great friendship.

 

Marc's girl is only a fwb, and not a girlfriend, which changes his commitment and availability status. You and Marc hangout in the hot tub together. You have shared a bed with Marc "many times". You and Marc used to fool around in high school. Does your boyfriend know all of this? Would his opinion of Marc change because of this? He's in the dark, and you've framed things to keep him there.

 

I'm not trying to keep him in the dark. I honestly don't know exactly what Marc's relationship with this girl is. I've never asked him, and he's never elaborated on it. So I just told my bf Marc is in a 'relationship'. I'm not trying to deceive him, I never said 'serious' relationship, I just told him what I know.

 

As far as telling my bf all about me and Marc's past, I just don't think this would be a good time for that. I love my bf and I do feel at some point he has the right to know everything, but I don't think that telling him now would give him any peace. I mean, he's already jealous of Marc, and I'm just now getting him to trust me with him, so I don't think this would be the best time to tell him all about our past. At all. It would just cause him to worry even more. But eventually, once I see that we've gotten through this and I know he doesn't feel threatened anymore, I will give him more details. Honesty is the best policy, but there is a time for everything.

 

After the cameras you know about were turned off, your boyfriend has let you believe he's gotten his information about your activities from the neighbor. This was a guess on your part, and not something he just offered up. All he had to do was let you believe it is true by not denying it. Based on the information he gathered, I doubt it was all from the neighbor, unless the neighbor spends all day with binoculars on your place. If he used other methods he hasn't confessed to, he's keeping them for later use, and keeping you in the dark about them.

 

Actually, he told me it was our neighbor. He's a real jerk with no job and nothing better to do all day, and yes, I've actually seen him looking over here with binoculars when I'm sunbathing! He's really creepy.

 

I really don't think he'll stop. I think he may back off a bit or just be sneaker for a while, but I don't see such controlling behavior as truly and suddenly changeable, just because he met the guy and his unattractive fwb. Clearly, I'm not going to convince you otherwise. So, just be careful and keep one eye open for signs he's back to it. Holding back, during this time period, could cause him to snap when he finally makes it known that he hasn't changed.

 

Well, maybe I'm being naive just because I love my bf so much, but I do feel that he wants to change. And I know that when we talked about this the other day he definitely seemed to be really sorry and apologetic about how he's been acting lately. I think he really wants to change and trust me, it's just that he didn't know my friend, and with all the other things going on his mind began to wander. But now that he's met Marc and can see what a nice guy he is, I think that has changed his perspective.

 

But we'll see. And yes, I will be careful and will be watching everything very closely from now on. Any more cameras or creepy neighbor spies and that will be the final straw for me. I love my bf dearly but that is not the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

[travsrt8]

I would be interested to know how attractive you are compared to your boyfriend. Are you the same looks wise?

Edited March 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BaileyB]

Not really sure why attractiveness would be important when considering abusive and unhealthy behaviors in relationships... does it really matter when you consider the big picture?

Edited March 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Veronica73]

Well, Veronica, I can assure you that I won't let it get to that point. Like I said, the next time I catch him snooping will be the last. And I made that quite clear to him.

 

I’m glad to hear that. You’re smarter than I was! So are the cameras inside the house gone now? Sorry if I missed that.

[travsrt8]

I mentioned attractiveness because of the way she mentioned about Marc’s gf not being very attractive. I think if she is out of his league looks wise that also could be causing some of his problems.

Edited March 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threadjack ~T

[Exformer]

But now that he's met Marc and can see what a nice guy he is, I think that has changed his perspective.

That's only your bf's current perceived opinion because you've given him only a piece of the puzzle. You've framed your friendship outside of anything but ever being platonic. The rest you've held back because of the following:

As far as telling my bf all about me and Marc's past, I just don't think this would be a good time for that. I love my bf and I do feel at some point he has the right to know everything, but I don't think that telling him now would give him any peace. I mean, he's already jealous of Marc, and I'm just now getting him to trust me with him, so I don't think this would be the best time to tell him all about our past. At all. It would just cause him to worry even more.

This is an intentional move to manipulate his behavior in a favorable way.

I'm not trying to keep him in the dark.

You aren't keeping him in the dark about anything you want him to know. You're only keeping back the stuff you know would change his opinion in a way that would negatively impact what you want...which is, of course, the only kind of things anyone keeps in the dark. You say you don't want to jeopardize the trust he's building for you...by telling the truth...I mean, really think hard about that.

But eventually, once I see that we've gotten through this and I know he doesn't feel threatened anymore, I will give him more details. Honesty is the best policy, but there is a time for everything.

There's never going to be a "good time" to tell your bf that not only is Marc a dude you fooled around with, but that you also purposely held back that information so you could keep hanging out with Marc without your bf being too upset about it.

 

However, there will be worse times in the future. For example, imagine how your boyfriend will feel if he and Marc hangout together, like they talked about, and work on building a bit of a friendship. Or think how he'll feel when he's the one out of the loop for however long while you and Marc continue to hangout while sharing this secret. He will feel duped and betrayed by his own gf, who (in his mind at least) prioritized her friendship over her relationship.

 

I'm not controlling, with cameras stationed all over my house, and I've never turned my neighbor into an informant, but I would loose my [ not going to curse ].

 

The longer it goes on, and deeper down the rabbit hole you go, the worse it will feel for him...or you can attempt to keep him in the dark forever... but buried secrets have a way of rising to the surface, and they never look as pretty as they did when you first buried them.

 

Anyways, I think I've beaten a dead horse long enough. I just want to make sure you're prepared for the potential backlash. Best of luck with everything. I truly hope your boyfriend is changing for the better and things workout the way you want them to.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Exformer

[maxi105]

hey,sgrinaldi, I cant help feeling that the thread is going of track form the original point of it.

 

 

the bottom line is do you still think this man is going to change after treating the way he has don't for so long.#

 

 

why has he treated you in tha tawful way

 

 

and what has he really done to change things

 

 

although there are cases for real change in people who really love others and care enough to talk and put things right because they realise and value and respect the other, there is also a truth the the statement that LEOPARRDS DONT CHANGE THIER SPOTS...

 

 

only you know if this insecure man/child is really going to show you he knows what love is and will trust you enough not to go punching any more holes in the wall, not to spy on you and get upset when he doesn't like the blue top you wear or is upset with your friends calling round to see you even though he has female friends.

 

 

its really up to you. GOOD LUCK, but I still think you desrve A LOT MORE THAN YOU ARE GETTING.

I think someone like Marc is the sort of person you would be probably happier with, not someone who is playing your every move and monitoring your reactions to keep you under his control and influence (and it is a very subtle influence) but its also very powerful, because he has more life experience and is keeping you just from leaving him until the next time...until the next time...until...you get the picture.

 

 

take care, just don't let this situation go on indefinitely. it is not what a partner in love behaves like towards the person he is supposed to cherish and love.

 

 

maxi

[sgrinaldi]

I mentioned attractiveness because of the way she mentioned about Marc’s gf not being very attractive. I think if she is out of his league looks wise that also could be causing some of his problems.

 

Well, I don’t think I’m ‘out of his league’ but I am really attractive, I actually model swimwear and lingerie sometimes, and I think that does play a role in why he’s so jealous. He sees guys look at me and it infuriates him. And he absolutely hates how I dress. So I think you might be on to something here. I think that the fact that he knows I could get another guy easily does play a role in why he’s so jealous. However, even tho he isn’t the best looking, I think he also could get another girl pretty easily, because he has money and is just that kind of guy that girls go for, independent and manly. So really it’s hard to say.

 

I’m glad to hear that. You’re smarter than I was! So are the cameras inside the house gone now? Sorry if I missed that.

No, but he agreed to never ever even ask me to turn them on anymore. I agreed they could stay up for when both of us are not here.

 

This was actually a dilemma for me, because on the one hand I think it’s really creepy and weird to be monitored like that, but on the other hand I felt like maybe I should compromise and leave them on. My view was that maybe it would give him more peace to be able to see me anytime he wanted to, but after thinking more about it I decided against that. It would be just too weird to know that my bf might be watching when we’re all hanging out. I mean, that’s just creepy. Plus, I think it might actually make him more jealous if the cameras were on. Because Marc and I are such close friends, we act very casual and relaxed around each other, and I’m afraid that my bf might get the wrong impression.

 

I think someone like Marc is the sort of person you would be probably happier with, not someone who is playing your every move and monitoring your reactions to keep you under his control and influence (and it is a very subtle influence) but its also very powerful, because he has more life experience and is keeping you just from leaving him until the next time...until the next time...until...you get the picture.

I hear what you’re saying Maxi. Like I said, I’ve had enough and if he reverts back to his ways I will let him go. It will be hard, but I will do it. But I’m trying to stay positive and I’m really confident he that can change. He seems to be making efforts.

 

As far as Marc is concerned, I really don’t think I’d be happy with him as a bf. We already tried that, and it just didn’t work out. He’s physically attractive enough, but he’s not really the kind of guy I go for. He’s not driven, like my bf, he still hasn’t even picked a major and he doesn’t even have a job. I like guys who know what they want and who go for it. Marc is a very nice guy, but he’s more of a homebody. He’s fun to flirt with, but I don’t think he’s my type romantically speaking.

Edited March 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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