Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you

[maxi105]

hi sgrinaldi, you are 20 he is 27...then I would definitely say goodbye to this man.

 

 

he knows exactly what he is doing and you are in the nicest way im sure not aware to it enough because you really want love with this man.

 

 

I don't think he loves you im really sorry but I don't. I wish I did, but I think you would be so much better to go of and have some time out from this person, split up and spend some real fun quality time with those people in your life who really do love you, whom you can trust who never let you down or treat you like their possession.

 

 

when you are laughing, fun, happier and open to meeting something that will be far healthier for you and make you really feel special or wanted (not like you have to keep treading around carefully or cautiously and you can just be you and say what you think and feel without fear or upsetting someone who is supposed to love you) then you will enjoy life more.

 

 

waiting for the next argument, waiting for someon to punch a hole in the wall or flare up because you also have an opinion and thoughts and feeligns of your own isn't what real love is about...control, yup....love....

 

 

no, you don't have love, you have someone who probably enjoys the age gap because a woman of his own age wouldn't take what you are having too.

 

 

cut free and enjoy your friends, someone better...MUCH BETTER will come along and will be only to pleased to treat you properly and with loving respect.

 

 

ok, that's me done. don't fool yourself that you are loved here, you are wanting love, and this man is not capable of giving it unless it's exactly as he says it should be given!!!!

 

 

best wishes, outta time.maxi

[sgrinaldi]

Well, last night we finally had a chance to talk for awhile. I was going to confront him, but I didn’t have to as he eventually brought up the topic himself. We started arguing right after he got home. It began with him complaining about what I was wearing. That’s another aspect of his controlling behavior which I didn’t mention. But yeah, he also tries to tell me what I can and can’t wear. He thinks I dress too sexy, even tho I dress about like any other girl at school, and he says that’s inappropriate when you’re in a relationship. Then we moved on to arguing about my spending too much. After we argued about that for awhile, we moved on to the topic of sex. We’ve been having a few issues in the bedroom lately, which I won’t elaborate on right now, but I think it could be a factor in his behavior. So we discussed that issue for awhile, and then he started bitching about his usual pet peeve, which is my friends hanging out here.

 

He started complaining that he didn’t like a bunch of ‘strangers’ being in ‘his’ house, and then he started talking about Marc (my guy friend). He actually used his name and was bitching about me being alone with him at the house that day. I was shocked! I had never talked to him about Marc and my FB friend list is private, but not only did he know his name but he knew when he came and left! So he obviously had some outside source of information. I confronted him about how he knew about Marc, but his only reply was ‘I have my sources’. I eventually realized that with the cameras off, the only way for him to know when people came or left was to have his neighbor friend watching. I confronted him and told him that I was tired of all his snooping, and that I felt like a child being babysat, and that having neighbors keep watch over me was insulting and demeaning. He told me that when I grow up he would start treating me like a grown up.

 

It got real emotional then. He said that my friends should leave after our study sessions, not ‘party’ all day long. I said we weren’t ‘partying’, just talking and hanging out and maybe drinking a little bit. Then he started complaining about Marc, and it became apparent to me that that really was the crux of the issue. I don’t think he really cares that I hang out with my friends, it’s just that one of them is a guy. I confronted him on this and at first he denied it, but eventually he admitted it.

 

I told him that Marc was an old and good friend of mine who had been there for me many times, and that our relationship was strictly platonic. I told him that he had nothing to worry about because my feelings for Marc were completely different than my feelings for him, with Marc I feel more like a sister, while with him I feel more like a lady. Plus, Marc is in a relationship. He said he understood and that he didn’t think I was cheating on him, but the situation just made him feel uncomfortable. We then got into a long argument about trust and relationships. My position was that if you can’t trust your partner then what’s the point of a relationship, and that I trusted him and didn’t snoop on him, so he should respect that and treat me the same, unless he had a good reason not to.

 

He admitted I was right but he said he thought he had good reason to snoop and not trust, namely that I was lying to him, and he said that had he completely trusted me from the beginning, he would’ve never known I was lying. I never lie so I asked him how in the world was I lying. He said that he knew that sometimes when I said my ‘friends’ were over, really it was just Marc (again, obviously his neighbor is spying ). I told him that was not true, but since Marc lives closer than my other friends usually he’s the first to arrive and the last to leave, so sometimes we’re alone for a short time, usually no more than a few hours, which is the absolute truth. I told him only a few times was it just me and Marc the whole day, and that was simply because no one else showed up those days. He said that was ‘way’ too much time to be alone with another guy, especially if we were in the hot tub together and I was in a bikini, and that it really made him uncomfortable just thinking about it. I told him he was being ridiculous, especially nowadays when guys can see hardcore porn anytime they want with a click of their mouse, so what’s the big deal about a bikini? We then got into a long argument about guy’s sex drives and their ability to control themselves, and he eventually suggested that Marc was an ‘orbiter’.

 

I reminded him that Marc is in a relationship, and then he started asking lots of questions about him. That made me feel uncomfortable, because even tho I love my bf I don’t see any need to reveal everything all at once. We are in love but I don’t think either of us expects to know everything about our pasts so soon. I admit I didn’t give him any details even tho he pressed me, but I shared some experiences we had together, and why we’re such good friends.

 

Then he said he understood, but he still asked me if we could ‘compromise’. He told me I should at least turn the cameras on whenever only Marc was there, just so he could feel ‘safe’. I told him that was just weird, and I’d feel like a complete idiot explaining to Marc that I have to turn on the cameras now so my bf can make sure we’re behaving ourselves. Especially when Marc and I both know that neither of us are interested in being romantic with each other in the least. He then tried to make me feel guilty for not ‘compromising’. He said that any good gf would have no problem doing that for her bf, but I reciprocated by saying that no good bf would snoop and spy on his gf the way he does.

 

I then offered a different ‘compromise’. Why not just meet Marc? Then you can decide for yourself what kind of guy he is. I told him that once he got to know Marc, and especially his gf, perhaps he’d realize what an ass he’s been. And that seemed to be the key! He liked the idea and so now I guess we’re going to go out on a sort of double date with Marc and his gf. And I’m sure that once he meets Marc, he’s going to like him and it should help him to be able to trust me. They even have lots in common and I actually think they are going to become good friends.

 

I don’t know. It was ugly for awhile, but the way it ended it seems like we're now moving in the right direction. I even think we might be able to work this out. Yes?

[CardsFan01]

{snip}

I then offered a different ‘compromise’. Why not just meet Marc? Then you can decide for yourself what kind of guy he is. I told him that once he got to know Marc, and especially his gf, perhaps he’d realize what an ass he’s been. And that seemed to be the key! He liked the idea and so now I guess we’re going to go out on a sort of double date with Marc and his gf. And I’m sure that once he meets Marc, he’s going to like him and it should help him to be able to trust me. They even have lots in common and I actually think they are going to become good friends.

 

I don’t know. It was ugly for awhile, but the way it ended it seems like we're now moving in the right direction. I even think we might be able to work this out. Yes?

 

I think a fair compromise would be in exchange for the cameras, your boyfriend should get to spend some alone time with Marc’s girlfriend. Including in a hot tub with her in a bikini. No cameras of course.

 

I’ve changed my mind on this. I think your boyfriend has asked for this, expecting someone much younger to live their life the way someone his age does. Yeah he’s over the top controlling, but what did he expect given the circumstances? This whole relationship just doesn’t make any sense from either side.

Edited March 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[bathtub-row]

Like I said before, these guys are great actors and know exactly what to say and when to say it. You’ll see — nothing will change. And don’t be surprised if it worsens. He knows you’re likely to leave him now and NOTHING makes abusers crazier than being left, or the threat of being left. Stay tuned.

[bathtub-row]

Oh, and btw, abusers will hate all your family and friends because the goal is to isolate you so that he has full control. Be very careful of letting him do that.

[basil67]

The guy is impossibly controlling and has anger issues. I would not accept this in a relationship.

 

But you are using his home as a frat house. Not acceptable either.

[act00]

There is no compromise in this. It's a step to make sure he is incorporated into your world with your friends...in a normal relationship this will work. What he's going to do is make things difficult. The level of flak you get, you're going to start avoiding anything that will cause it, meaning you'll start avoiding friends and family.

 

He'll pitch a fit after the double date or outing with friends, while being pleasant during it. He'll bash you for something you said or a friend said, taking it completely out of context or you won't even remember it or weren't around for it.

 

He'll be sullen and moody during your outings, dates, and parties. Friends will comment to you about it. You'll be embarrassed and apologetic. You'll avoid gatherings because you can't very well tell him he's not invited.

 

You'll sneak around more just to get some time with friends when he's not around (girls/family), and with him tracking your every move, you'll have to stop that too.

 

He probably has a nanny-cam set up, sweetie. He has cameras you don't know about, and if he has the money to set up cameras, he also has the money to hire a private investigator. Neighbors are a great resource, but few people I know are that close to the neighbor you can employ them as spies. People don't want to get involved and they have lives of their own, jobs, and better things to do. I mean, is this neighbor a bored curtain scratcher?

 

Not partying. Um, really? You "study" and drink. All day. Regularly. That's partying. Funny how these "study groups" don't include much studying, but Marc is there for "only" a FEW HOURS alone, and in a bikini in a hot tub. It's sketchy, sorry. This guy is a controlling manipulative jerk you should leave, but you seriously need to consider your actions here. Even in a normal relationship with an non-abusive man, few men would be okay with this type of behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is going to end in disaster, OP.

 

Keep your friends and family close. You will need them when this finally ends and your heart and self-esteem are crushed.

 

Not if, but when.

[maxi105]

dear sgrinaldi,

 

 

ive only read a bit of your reply as im finishing off now. but I think you are determined to keep this relationship alive at any cost to the solid advice ive had time to read.

 

 

I cannot honestly say that I think that your situation is going to be stable for very long, it all sounds very immature but not in a nasty way I feel concerned for you and im not sure what I have read is a healthy relationship . its all about what he wants and what he can make you change.

 

 

but look, you are your own person, and life will hopefully teach you (and it sounds as though it may the hard way) that this is not what real love is!!!

 

 

good luck with it all though, I must go, cya maxi

[BaileyB]

My goodness, you are trying to negotiate with your abuser.

 

The day that my partner puts cameras in my home, is the day that he will be watching a blank tv screen because I would be gone so fast.... I wouldn't even bother to pack my clothes.

 

My friend, go to your family. Go to a women's shelter. Educate yourself on abuse. Get out now!

[todreaminblue]

money rules this situation and it isnt ideal to have a relationship that way.....it is his house and houses have rules......heads of houses make them.....if you cant follow the rules....or agree with them or compromise to suit...then you arent compatible....

 

he is over the top....i sort of understand how he feels about no males in the house if he isnt there....if you look at it its for your own safety as well....and the fact that guy you want the brother from another mother is also in a relationship....why would he be with you when he should be ...elsewhere with the woman he is in a relationship with....

 

 

when i was with my ex i would have opposite sex friends stay at my home when he was away at work.if they had no where to go or they were just visiting....the visits were short..........i also however had my sister and my mum and my kids..and a dog with me not just any dog....lol...normally a protective rottie or a ridgeback...or some huge bitser.......even when i sat on the couch...a big dog would sit at my feet...while i chatted to a guy....or at the table drinking coffee.... bored by the convos.... the dog would lie across my feet and snore .....or a cat would jump up and just sit and stare at them....freak them out a little........i was never alone with a man friend.....my ex trusted me....he didnt however...trust other men....i dont blame your bf for being unsure...

 

 

i do think that placing cameras everywhere ...its time for you to go....a relationship with no trust...is no relationship at all...buy second hand shoes.....eat ramen noodles....get a cute little place of your own..and be who you are you will feel you can make your own choices in life..and you will be happy..and good luck i hope you get your degree........deb

[sgrinaldi]

Yes, I understand what everyone is saying, but I love my bf and we are currently trying to work this out. He seems to be willing to compromise and change. Why would I leave him now when we’re right in the middle of trying to make this work?

 

I honestly think that once he gets to know Marc, he’ll be able to trust me. I just think he feels threatened because Marc is an unknown variable, and he’s probably imagining the worst about him. I also think meeting Marc’s gf will also be a big help, for obvious reasons.

 

We’re all going to meet up tonite and do something. I’m a bit scared about it, but at the same time I have a good feeling about it.

[CardsFan01]

Why would I leave him now when we’re right in the middle of trying to make this work?

 

Because even in the unlikely event he does change, you’ll resent the fact that you never got to live the life of a normal college student. You should be having fun and doing the things you are doing. I wouldn’t like it if I were him either. He should realize that a serious relationship with a college student isn’t a good idea. But he should just end it, not imprison you. I don’t think the relationship is fair to either of you.

[BaileyB]

Yes, I understand what everyone is saying, but I love my bf and we are currently trying to work this out. He seems to be willing to compromise and change. Why would I leave him now when we’re right in the middle of trying to make this work?

 

I honestly think that once he gets to know Marc, he’ll be able to trust me. I just think he feels threatened because Marc is an unknown variable, and he’s probably imagining the worst about him. I also think meeting Marc’s gf will also be a big help, for obvious reasons.

 

We’re all going to meet up tonite and do something. I’m a bit scared about it, but at the same time I have a good feeling about it.

 

Regardless of whether he sees Marc as a threat, or whether they become best friends...

 

NOBODY has the right to tell you what to wear, how much to spend, how to have sex, who you are allowed to invite into your home, or anything more... this kind of behavior is entitled, controlling, and absolutely unacceptable.

 

Unfortunately, it seems that you are unwilling to head the advice of those who have gone before you... you seem intent to learn this lesson the hard way. Just - don't waste too much time on this guy or this unhealthy relationship... someday, you will look back and think "Wow, I missed out on so many good things because I did not let this go..."

 

Healthy relationships, are not this hard.

[sgrinaldi]

It's not that I'm not listening to everyone here, it's just that most of the advice seems to be just leave him. But the whole reason I posted here is to see what could be done to save this relationship. I mean, other than his controlling issues he is honeslty the best bf I ever had. And we've invested a lot of time in our relationship and I know both of us are deeply in love with each other. I just couldn't see leaving him already, especially now that we're finally trying to work things out. But don't worry. I've already decided that if he continues with his controlling crap I will leave him. I think having the neighbor spying on me was the last straw.

 

You also have to understand that I'm financially dependent on him, so it would really be difficult for me to just leave, like that. Not that I couldn't make it happen, but it would be difficult. I might even have to drop out of school for awhile in order to make it happen.

 

But I do understand that he has no right to try and control me the way he does. I get it. I won't allow it to continue. Although I can understand why he bitches about my spending sometimes. I admit it's gotten a bit out of control lately, but I'm working on that and am willing to make efforts in that area, as long as he also works on his issues.

[mikeylo]

It's not that I'm not listening to everyone here, it's just that most of the advice seems to be just leave him. But the whole reason I posted here is to see what could be done to save this relationship. I mean, other than his controlling issues he is honeslty the best bf I ever had. And we've invested a lot of time in our relationship and I know both of us are deeply in love with each other. I just couldn't see leaving him already, especially now that we're finally trying to work things out. But don't worry. I've already decided that if he continues with his controlling crap I will leave him. I think having the neighbor spying on me was the last straw.

 

You also have to understand that I'm financially dependent on him, so it would really be difficult for me to just leave, like that. Not that I couldn't make it happen, but it would be difficult. I might even have to drop out of school for awhile in order to make it happen.

 

But I do understand that he has no right to try and control me the way he does. I get it. I won't allow it to continue. Although I can understand why he bitches about my spending sometimes. I admit it's gotten a bit out of control lately, but I'm working on that and am willing to make efforts in that area, as long as he also works on his issues.

 

You need to leave NOW but you will leave in your own time and you definitely will. It's just a matter of time.

 

He will change but enough to keep you reeled in and go back to his real personality. Unfortunately it's not "curable", even if he wants to tries.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if another guy just comes in your life and you see complete difference between the two guys and have a realization to do the right thing by you.

 

You are minimizing the negatives because you are in the situation.Once out, you will see what we all are seeing.

[BaileyB]

It's just that most of the advice seems to be just leave him. But the whole reason I posted here is to see what could be done to save this relationship. I mean, other than his controlling issues he is honeslty the best bf I ever had. And we've invested a lot of time in our relationship and I know both of us are deeply in love with each other. I just couldn't see leaving him already, especially now that we're finally trying to work things out.

 

You also have to understand that I'm financially dependent on him, so it would really be difficult for me to just leave, like that. Not that I couldn't make it happen, but it would be difficult. I might even have to drop out of school for awhile in order to make it happen.

 

I know it's difficult, because of the finances. I would still have no problem taking a semester off school to leave this guy (this for a person with a strong academic background). I would move home. I would move in with a friend. I would do just about anything...

 

You are not ready to leave. That much is clear. If most of the advice here is that you should leave this guy, there is good reason for that. This kind of behavior doesn't change... It only gets worse.

 

If this really is the best boyfriend that you've had, then that makes me very sad for you... because you really have no idea what love really is. I'm curious, what was your model growing up? We're your parents together, and did they have a good relationship?

 

My friend, I'm old and wise... Trust me when I say, this isn't love. Love doesn't hurt. It doesn't control. With love, there is trust. There is no prize for the person who stays the longest... the person who perseveres. Just wasted time that could have been spent enjoying your college experience, enjoying your friends, dating a man who treats you well. Don't waste too much time.

Edited March 8, 2018 by BaileyB

[todreaminblue]

It's not that I'm not listening to everyone here, it's just that most of the advice seems to be just leave him. But the whole reason I posted here is to see what could be done to save this relationship. I mean, other than his controlling issues he is honeslty the best bf I ever had. And we've invested a lot of time in our relationship and I know both of us are deeply in love with each other. I just couldn't see leaving him already, especially now that we're finally trying to work things out. But don't worry. I've already decided that if he continues with his controlling crap I will leave him. I think having the neighbor spying on me was the last straw.

 

You also have to understand that I'm financially dependent on him, so it would really be difficult for me to just leave, like that. Not that I couldn't make it happen, but it would be difficult. I might even have to drop out of school for awhile in order to make it happen.

 

But I do understand that he has no right to try and control me the way he does. I get it. I won't allow it to continue. Although I can understand why he bitches about my spending sometimes. I admit it's gotten a bit out of control lately, but I'm working on that and am willing to make efforts in that area, as long as he also works on his issues.

 

why do you love him? seriously.....what makes you want to stay....deb

[guest569]

First, my bf has never hit me. He's not violent. I know he's controlling and a bit too jealous, but he would never hit me. That much I'm sure of. He can have a bad temper sometimes, but it never gets to the point of being physical.

 

This doesn't make it any less of a serious concern.

 

If he owns the house, there is nothing keeping you there.

 

I can't possibly help you through this relationship, I think the only option is to leave.

[vanhalenfan]

Not partying. Um, really? You "study" and drink. All day. Regularly. That's partying. Funny how these "study groups" don't include much studying, but Marc is there for "only" a FEW HOURS alone, and in a bikini in a hot tub. It's sketchy, sorry. This guy is a controlling manipulative jerk you should leave, but you seriously need to consider your actions here. Even in a normal relationship with an non-abusive man, few men would be okay with this type of behavior.

 

Exactly what I was going to say. He is in the wrong, but so are you. I get it that you are 20 and it's normal to lack a certain maturity level, and that you want to get out there and enjoy time with friends during your time in college...But, come on, you are showing a certain level of disrespect here. This is not your house, you are not married (Thank God), having friends dropping in all day, everyday, using the hot tub, drinking, "studying"...You need to take a hard look at this behavior. This isn't a frat/sorority house or college dorm. While your boyfriend has a multitude of issues going on (and you should run far from him), you are also contributing to the dysfunction of the relationship as well. It may just take a few more years of growing up and life/relationship experience to see this, perhaps. This relationship is toxic and unhealthy.

[mikeylo]

How long have you been with this guy ?

 

Irrespective of that, you are naive and he knows that. You can voice your opinion and he will listen but the controlling streak that he has, won't go away.I'm sure he is possessive as well. If all these ' qualities' were used as protection, that would be different , if he was dominant in bed and you liked it, it would be different but he is insanely jealous. And that jealousy comes from you being younger by 10 years.So he wants to control you so that you don't leave him.That brings to , him being insecure about you.

 

Is he any of this with other people or just you ?

[lolablue17]

Of course he's being too controlling! I understand that he admits being controlling, he just says that your behavior causes him to act this way...

 

Now, let me understand something... do you hang out with friends, partially with marc alone, you and Marc in the hot tub with a bikini?! And you didn't tell him that? If my girlfriend would have spent time alone with her guy best friend with a bikini only the two of them, and hides it for me, I wouldn't tolerate it at all.

 

I would'nt put cameras of course, it's insane. But you need to understand - when you tell your bf, that it's you and your bunch of friends, while the truth is that sometimes it's only you with Marc in the hot tub wearing a bikini, he doesn't trust you. I wouldn't.

[sgrinaldi]

Well, it is basically with my friends. It's just that sometimes Marc will hang out here for a few hours after everyone else has left. He lives closer and has a different schedule, that's all. Most of the time my other friends are here as well. So I don't think it's a lie to tell him I'm with my friends, just cuz occasionally my guy friend happens to chill there a bit longer than anyone else.

 

But actually, I think we're going to be able to work this thing out. We finally went out on a sort of double date and by the end my bf and Marc seemed to understand each other. They even have lots of common interests and seem to be becoming sort of friends. But regardless, I think my bf now understands that Marc is not a threat to our relationship.

 

The date didn't start well tho, and at first I thought the whole thing was going to be a big mistake. Marc was friendly, but my bf was very cold. It was obvious that he felt threatened by Marc. But Marc kept being cordial, and once they started talking sports I felt they began connecting with each other. And by the end of our date they were even talking about watching some basketball together. I was really happy about it afterwards, and from talking with my bf, I could definitely see a change in how he views the situation now.

 

If anything didn't go well, surprisingly it was with Marc's gf. From talking with Marc, I thought I was going to like her, but I didn't. Apparently, she was also jealous of me and Marc, and made little effort to conceal it. Eventually she seemed to warm up to me a bit after I explained to her that I had no interest in Marc as a bf and invited her to hang out with us if she wanted to, but I still detected some animosity from her the whole night. She also was a poor choice to alleviate my bf's concerns. She wasn't very pretty, and she was fat and even had acne. And she dressed 'goth'. I was even surprised that Marc was with her, and her poor appearance was not very helpful in achieving what I had in mind, imho. But I contained myself and was very nice to her the whole time, and in the end I think we understood each other, even if we didn't really become friends.

 

The next day I had a long talk with both Marc and my bf and it all seemed good. My bf agreed to never snoop on me again, including having our perverted neighbor watching the place, and I on my part agreed to try and cut back on the amount of time I spend alone with Marc. Not only because I'm in a relationship, but also because he is as well. And from talking with Marc, I think we have an understanding that he will be sensitive to my bf's concerns, and not say anything to him that could make him jealous.

 

I don't know, but it seems like everything is going to work out now. At least I know I feel much better about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

This friend Marc is far from the only problem here.

 

Guys like your boyfriend will always find another reason to be jealous and control you.

[bathtub-row]

Ah....at last, all is right with the world!