Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Well, I personally think it's passive to expect people to be honest while omitting relevant info about yourself because it's easier. Being contacted by a number of people you don't care about for the sake of being 'positive and appealing' sounds like false advertising and a fantastic waste of time. I'm sure there's a way to state you don't want to date people with kids in a positive way! I also assume your non-negociable list is what is going to make or break the relationship anyway! If the law of online dating is to appear to be someone you're not for the sake of protecting your non-existent online reputation in the eyes of people you don't know, be prepated to do that for years on end or end up with someone who 'will do' as opposed to someone who would be right for you. If that's what makes the online dating world go round, thanks but no thanks! So i don't get it...he's supposed to make himself sound like a jerk and not kid-friendly (when he may be it's just not where he is interested putting his life right now at this point). While the girl gets a pass for OMITTING a huge and most important part of her life that would affect anyone who dates her? She could and should put it down positively because being a mom is a huge part of how she spends her time rather than omit it to try to get people who she fears may not be interested, interested or get some traction with them. She doesn't even need to say it but can show a photo or two with the child which will prompt the question if she doesn't explain that it's a niece, nephew or godchild. There are people who don't want certain hair colors, ages, heights, weights, body types, races, personalities, careers, money-making potential, backgrounds, etc. Every aspect of what the other person could be is a preference--to state that you DON'T want this or that, makes the person who wrote it look like a jerk when they are not necessarily it's just their preference. Photos and brief description actually helps a person filter through a lot of their visual and general lifestyle preferences but leaving out this huge part of her life is almost like lying about her age or putting up photos that are inaccurate to how she looks currently. It's major. And it's her doing that has created this situation, not his. And he shouldn't have to change his entire approach to weed out what people do to "trick" the system. Come on, that's exactly what she was doing. Sorry 4
Imajerk17 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) That's the main part. If it's not a hard line and you are open to it, fine. Others have it as an absolute no go zone (which is totally fine too) - they really should keep it in. I don't know what I've missed, other than we don't see the use of online dating the same way (also totally fine!). The OP is hardline about it. You were not. That is the difference. Actually there is no difference. At one point I at least thought was hardline about it. And even if I discovered that I really was hardline about it, I STILL wouldn't put that in. As mentioned before, when I had that in, my response rate with women I was interested in went way down, and women I was not interested in would still contact me. THAT was my primary motivation for taking it out. Edited March 4, 2018 by Imajerk17 1
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 So i don't get it...he's supposed to make himself sound like a jerk and not kid-friendly (when he may be it's just not where he is interested putting his life right now at this point). While the girl gets a pass for OMITTING a huge and most important part of her life that would affect anyone who dates her? She could and should put it down positively because being a mom is a huge part of how she spends her time rather than omit it to try to get people who she fears may not be interested, interested or get some traction with them. She doesn't even need to say it but can show a photo or two with the child which will prompt the question if she doesn't explain that it's a niece, nephew or godchild. There are people who don't want certain hair colors, ages, heights, weights, body types, races, personalities, careers, money-making potential, backgrounds, etc. Every aspect of what the other person could be is a preference--to state that you DON'T want this or that, makes the person who wrote it look like a jerk when they are not necessarily it's just their preference. Photos and brief description actually helps a person filter through a lot of their visual and general lifestyle preferences but leaving out this huge part of her life is almost like lying about her age or putting up photos that are inaccurate to how she looks currently. It's major. And it's her doing that has created this situation, not his. And he shouldn't have to change his entire approach to weed out what people do to "trick" the system. Come on, that's exactly what she was doing. Sorry I think that was covered extensively already upthread - it's both their reponsibility to present themselves and what their want in a way that will help them get the best partner. Having a preference for child-free people isn't being a jerk, btw - it's a perfectly acceptable preference to have (I say that as a mother!)
thefooloftheyear Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 And on the other hand, I'm a large breasted woman, and I still would think, "hmmph, all that man cares about is boobs? No thanks....I'm more than my boobs." This makes no effin sense... How can you possibly make that assumption from a mere preference or ?? So, if a guy sees you in a market and takes notice of your melons, but never says anything about it(even though it's clearly a plus for him), that is somehow "different"? Oh, and btw, most women with good bodies/larger breasts are sure to make you know about it in their photos...Good for them, I say... Women are just as bad as men....Some won't date short, some won't date with a small dick, some wont date poor...etc... I see absolutely nothing wrong with "checking that box off" if that person finds a part of another person attractive... To think we should all be "blank slates" and just ignore physical wants/preferences is just nuts...Or worse...somehow condemning someone for thinking that just because a person wants me for "x" trait that I then assume they see nothing else good about me...huh?? They'll know soon enough... TFY 2
thefooloftheyear Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I used to be just like you until A MAN explained it to me that it's inevitable and HUMAN that a man is going to like something sexual about you. We are sexually driven after all. That doesn't mean that it's ALL that they like. Not at all. Come on, be real? And to be frank, we women have some preferences in men that can be hard for them to swallow too. So everybody just need to chill. YAY!!! TFY 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 This makes no effin sense... How can you possibly make that assumption from a mere preference or ?? So, if a guy sees you in a market and takes notice of your melons, but never says anything about it(even though it's clearly a plus for him), that is somehow "different"? Oh, and btw, most women with good bodies/larger breasts are sure to make you know about it in their photos...Good for them, I say... Women are just as bad as men....Some won't date short, some won't date with a small dick, some wont date poor...etc... I see absolutely nothing wrong with "checking that box off" if that person finds a part of another person attractive... To think we should all be "blank slates" and just ignore physical wants/preferences is just nuts...Or worse...somehow condemning someone for thinking that just because a person wants me for "x" trait that I then assume they see nothing else good about me...huh?? They'll know soon enough... TFY I admitted to it not being logical . 2
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 It's different with OLD. You may get 10 seconds for someone to make a decision. I think it's less about insecurity and more about selling yourself. It's like a resume. Are you going to list you may take a long lunch once and a while? Though it may be true, and you may be a fantastic employee, they are going to swipe left so fast your head will spin. haha, totally true!! I'm certainly not putting on my resume that I prefer male bosses, won't answer phone calls on the weekends/off hours and prefer a boss that works harder than I do & want to make a ton of money. All things I prefer but wouldn't get me the job. You put your SELLING points not the things that LIMIT you or REMOVE you from competition. Then the choice is yours. 1
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I don't really see getting a job the same as getting a mate. One you need to survive. The other you don't. 2
Imajerk17 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 This makes no effin sense... How can you possibly make that assumption from a mere preference or ?? So, if a guy sees you in a market and takes notice of your melons, but never says anything about it(even though it's clearly a plus for him), that is somehow "different"? Oh, and btw, most women with good bodies/larger breasts are sure to make you know about it in their photos...Good for them, I say... Women are just as bad as men....Some won't date short, some won't date with a small dick, some wont date poor...etc... I see absolutely nothing wrong with "checking that box off" if that person finds a part of another person attractive... To think we should all be "blank slates" and just ignore physical wants/preferences is just nuts...Or worse...somehow condemning someone for thinking that just because a person wants me for "x" trait that I then assume they see nothing else good about me...huh?? They'll know soon enough... TFY C'mon bro I read and like your posts all the time, you understand people better than this I think most women get that it is really their looks that get them in the door, just as most men understand that demonstrating success helps their response rate. But still, whether it makes no sense or not, we would just rather the opposite gender not be so obvious about it. 2
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Sorry to disappoint you, but no, we’re not. Bummer Popsicle 1
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Actually there is no difference. At one point I at least thought was hardline about it. And even if I discovered that I really was hardline about it, I STILL wouldn't put that in. As mentioned before, when I had that in, my response rate with women I was interested in went way down, and women I was not interested in would still contact me. THAT was my primary motivation for taking it out. In other words, you tweeked your preferences to what would get you the most responses. Did you realise women with kids weren't such a big deal after all, or were you concerned about the fact you were getting fewer quality responses so tailored your preferences to that effect? 2
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 The OP is hardline about it. You were not. That is the difference. hmmm? you never know. Maybe this one girl wasn't compelling enough to him. He could generally not be interested in dating someone with kids and then meet someone who has them and open the door. That has happened to a few of my friends for sure. And when they broke up, they went back to their original "preference" but maybe a little more flexible on people with kids. OP, just sounds like he wasn't ready for it yet in life and just like it can be off-putting to state "i don't want to date xyz" in a profile. The omission of crucial facts can be off-putting too. My friend just married someone who has kids, which was not her preference & yes they met online. The guy didn't try to hide that he was a father though when he had his profile and she was compelled to date him anyway because of who he was as a person. It happens sometimes is spite of not matching up with the person's preferences. 1
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 C'mon bro I read and like your posts all the time, you understand people better than this I think most women get that it is really their looks that get them in the door, just as most men understand that demonstrating success helps their response rate. But still, whether it makes no sense or not, we would just rather the opposite gender not be so obvious about it. You make a good point. Although I appreciate it when men are obvious and transparent, it really can be crass. I like finesse a lot but I still want a guy to be honest with me if I'm not what he wants. I don't even want him to settle for me because he can't get his ideal woman. I just want the truth!
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 hmmm? you never know. Maybe this one girl wasn't compelling enough to him. He could generally not be interested in dating someone with kids and then meet someone who has them and open the door. That has happened to a few of my friends for sure. And when they broke up, they went back to their original "preference" but maybe a little more flexible on people with kids. OP, just sounds like he wasn't ready for it yet in life and just like it can be off-putting to state "i don't want to date xyz" in a profile. The omission of crucial facts can be off-putting too. My friend just married someone who has kids, which was not her preference & yes they met online. The guy didn't try to hide that he was a father though when he had his profile and she was compelled to date him anyway because of who he was as a person. It happens sometimes is spite of not matching up with the person's preferences. Of course. For many, if they are hot enough they will bend their criteria. Maybe this girl was not hot enough for the OP. Or maybe he was really hard line about. I know I don't want to date men with little kids and I met a really hot guy who had one, and he made me hesitate for real because he was everything else I was looking for, but after thinking about it for a while I decided to be hardline about it.
Purrrfect Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 If you have no kids and you do not want involvement with a single mother then that is understandable. Just tell her no offense but you prefer women with no children. You should also put this in your profile so single moms don’t waste their time or yours. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 C'mon bro I read and like your posts all the time, you understand people better than this I think most women get that it is really their looks that get them in the door, just as most men understand that demonstrating success helps their response rate. But still, whether it makes no sense or not, we would just rather the opposite gender not be so obvious about it. Good point... But I do think people find themselves in turmoil when they aren't really selecting someone who best meets their requirements on as many levels as possible...Maybe it's due to desperation or the basic need of people to find someone to be with ...I dunno... In fact, i'd be willing to bet anything that most of the problems that come up in relationships are as a result of not being true to oneself...And that's why I generally have no issue with anyone who displays some form of what can be called "superficial" ... TFY 1
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I think that was covered extensively already upthread - it's both their reponsibility to present themselves and what their want in a way that will help them get the best partner. Having a preference for child-free people isn't being a jerk, btw - it's a perfectly acceptable preference to have (I say that as a mother!) I think part of what we are discussing now (and in my response to yours) was the approach. Some people feel strongly that it would be "honest" to list a bunch of things you don't want the other person to be and that's it's fake or dishonest to be positive or open or give that impression in your profile. What if that is just really how you are? I think rigid or people who want and don't mind saying very specific things as you seem to suggest are displaying a personality trait that lots don't find appealing. Fine, that can be an approach for you and people who believe that way. It does limit you though, which is why I wouldn't recommend putting it in a profile. And I certainly wouldn't recommend putting it in their if it isn't how you are (lots of people are open enough to be flexible--I know, shocking). For the record, I rarely try to set up friends or recommend people for jobs that tell me all the things they DON'T want. It's approach and one that will limit you, bottom line. 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 In other words, you tweeked your preferences to what would get you the most responses. Did you realise women with kids weren't such a big deal after all, or were you concerned about the fact you were getting fewer quality responses so tailored your preferences to that effect? The latter. I tweeked my profile to maximize the number of quality responses I got--without lying or fabricating anything about myself of course. Especially since I found myself getting contact from women I was not interested in anyway. And it turned out to be a winning strategy. And I make no apologies for that. I don't owe a complete stranger my life story or an attempt at a comprehensive list of deal-breakers. 1
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I just want the truth! Ditto. That's my ultimate fantasy = a man who says exactly what he wants in a genuine, well-meaning way (not in a mean, fake alpha way). Straightforward directness reassures me! 2
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 The latter. I tweeked my profile to maximize the number of quality responses I got--without lying or fabricating anything about myself of course. Especially since I found myself getting contact from women I was not interested in anyway. And it turned out to be a winning strategy. And I make no apologies for that. I don't owe a complete stranger my life story or an attempt at a comprehensive list of deal-breakers. ohmygosh so true!!! ok, i'm tapping out...dead. this is exhausting. agree to disagree with this approach. All the rigids can find each other and be happy (or miserable) together 1
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I think part of what we are discussing now (and in my response to yours) was the approach. Some people feel strongly that it would be "honest" to list a bunch of things you don't want the other person to be and that's it's fake or dishonest to be positive or open or give that impression in your profile. What if that is just really how you are? I think rigid or people who want and don't mind saying very specific things as you seem to suggest are displaying a personality trait that lots don't find appealing. Fine, that can be an approach for you and people who believe that way. It does limit you though, which is why I wouldn't recommend putting it in a profile. And I certainly wouldn't recommend putting it in their if it isn't how you are (lots of people are open enough to be flexible--I know, shocking). For the record, I rarely try to set up friends or recommend people for jobs that tell me all the things they DON'T want. It's approach and one that will limit you, bottom line. I don't do online dating, I don't even know how it works. I find real life a lot more reassuring because you don't need to figure out what people want from nothing. Thanks for your tips, though. I don't advocate saying things you don't want - there is a perfectly reasonable way to express not wanting people with kids in a positive way, if it's important to you. I don't have this requirement, but I don't think that's outrageous or off-limits. If you view it as a negative, I guess that's your own issue. 1
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 The latter. I tweeked my profile to maximize the number of quality responses I got--without lying or fabricating anything about myself of course. Especially since I found myself getting contact from women I was not interested in anyway. And it turned out to be a winning strategy. And I make no apologies for that. I don't owe a complete stranger my life story or an attempt at a comprehensive list of deal-breakers. Nor do they. As long as you are expecting the same of others, all is good. I also think it's perfectly fine to have differing views on how to date (or not to date). You do what works for you! 1
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I don't do online dating, I don't even know how it works. I find real life a lot more reassuring because you don't need to figure out what people want from nothing. Thanks for your tips, though. I don't advocate saying things you don't want - there is a perfectly reasonable way to express not wanting people with kids in a positive way, if it's important to you. I don't have this requirement, but I don't think that's outrageous or off-limits. If you view it as a negative, I guess that's your own issue. I think you are right that this is an OLD issue. With OLD you might feel compelled to appeal to the masses. To be "mainstream" so-to-speak and advertise yourself to all. So appearing non-offensive in any form is more likely to happen in an OLD profile. Unless of course you want what you want and won't settle for anything less, including not caring what other people think. 2
SevenCity Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Ditto. That's my ultimate fantasy = a man who says exactly what he wants in a genuine, well-meaning way (not in a mean, fake alpha way). Straightforward directness reassures me! It's funny you say that. Often times after rough sex with a girl I'll ask what would you have done if I said I'd like to do what we just did when I first met you? 100% said they would run....or call the police However, at the appropriate time it was all good. Perhaps you are different, but most women don't want 100% honesty. It's rare that a woman is flattered by your sexual desires for her until you actually do it to them and want more. Also showing her that's not the only thing you want. The girl I'm currently seeing gets upset if I talk about sex too much (early days), meanwhile she told me she masterbated to me the other day. Funny how that works. Not logical at all.
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) I think you are right that this is an OLD issue. With OLD you might feel compelled to appeal to the masses. To be "mainstream" so-to-speak and advertise yourself to all. So appearing non-offensive in any form is more likely to happen in an OLD profile. Unless of course you want what you want and won't settle for anything less, including not caring what other people think. Exactly my point! I couldn't do online dating if my life depended on it. I find it confusing, vague, mostly unrealistic and full of social conventions that I could never figure out even if I tried to! I'm fairly mellow in real life but there is no way on earth I would be able to present that accurately online. We are complex people, and to me online dating is the most unlikely avenue to make your true personality shine. But it works for plenty of other people, so there must be some good in it! Edited March 4, 2018 by littleblackheart
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