How to break off with someone you just found has a child?

[SevenCity]

OP==is this point made clear in your profile?

 

If not, then you should put this in it. It will save you a lot of wasted time and awkwardness in having to address it.

 

I would not advise this.

 

Whereas women can get away with demanding lists on old, men will be further limited in their selection.

 

Even women without kids may find it insensitive or think that you never want them. It's not s good look and most men don't have the plethora of choices on old.

 

What this woman did was dishonest - it was intentionally left out she had a kid in her profile as to not deter guys. That's why I vote ghost.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

try telling to a mother's face that you don't want to date her because she's a mother

 

Well, if someone said to me, "I don't want to date you because you're a mother," I'd say, "You mean because I have kids?" If he said, "No, specifically because you're a mother," I'd think he was a weirdo and wouldn't want to go out with him anyway. If he said, "Yes, I meant because you have kids," I would not be offended at all.

 

However, I'm 45 and divorced after many years of marriage, and my kids are teenagers. If I'd gotten pregnant as a single 20 year old and was having trouble finding anyone who wanted to date a young single mom with a little one, I might feel differently. I might feel a little more desperate....like, "is anyone ever gonna want me???" lol

[SevenCity]

Well, if someone said to me, "I don't want to date you because you're a mother," I'd say, "You mean because I have kids?" If he said, "No, specifically because you're a mother," I'd think he was a weirdo and wouldn't want to go out with him anyway. If he said, "Yes, I meant because you have kids," I would not be offended at all.

 

However, I'm 45 and divorced after many years of marriage, and my kids are teenagers. If I'd gotten pregnant as a single 20 year old and was having trouble finding anyone who wanted to date a young single mom with a little one, I might feel differently. I might feel a little more desperate....like, "is anyone ever gonna want me???" lol

 

I'm not sure I understand the difference between being a mother and having kids?

[max3732]

I would not advise this.

 

Whereas women can get away with demanding lists on old, men will be further limited in their selection.

 

Even women without kids may find it insensitive or think that you never want them. It's not s good look and most men don't have the plethora of choices on old.

 

What this woman did was dishonest - it was intentionally left out she had a kid in her profile as to not deter guys. That's why I vote ghost.

 

Being ghosted bothered me so much I didn't want to do it to anyone, but I see your point. It was kind of an error of omission on her part. I've seen a lot of profiles that list being a mom or having kids or even have pics of them with the kids. With her she just threw that in about trying to reschedule. Had I picked a different date she may have sprung it on me in person.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not sure I understand the difference between being a mother and having kids?

 

If someone doesn't want to date someone specifically because they are a mother, it seems like it is more of an insult....like the guy finds something particularly distasteful about mothers or about women who have given birth or something. If he doesn't want to date someone with kids, it's because he either doesn't like kids, or doesn't want to have to share time with kids, or doesn't want to be eventually responsible for kids.....it's not about the women specifically.

 

However, I think there are probably very very few people who don't want to date someone JUST because she's a mother. It would be odd.

[alphamale]

If someone doesn't want to date someone specifically because they are a mother, it seems like it is more of an insult....like the guy finds something particularly distasteful about mothers or about women who have given birth or something. If he doesn't want to date someone with kids, it's because he either doesn't like kids, or doesn't want to have to share time with kids, or doesn't want to be eventually responsible for kids.....it's not about the women specifically.

 

However, I think there are probably very very few people who don't want to date someone JUST because she's a mother. It would be odd.

 

come on, insulting her kids is the same as insulting her

[littleblackheart]

Being ghosted bothered me so much I didn't want to do it to anyone, but I see your point. It was kind of an error of omission on her part. I've seen a lot of profiles that list being a mom or having kids or even have pics of them with the kids. With her she just threw that in about trying to reschedule. Had I picked a different date she may have sprung it on me in person.

 

If this is a no go zone for you, you should perhaps mention it in your profile too. She may also be new to this and assume people would be fine with it, or she may have privacy issues. She mentioned her kid in her texts so she had no intentions of hiding it from you.

 

I don't understand the double standards here, really.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

come on, insulting her kids is the same as insulting her

 

It's not insulting her kids to say he doesn't want to have to share time with them or doesn't want to have the responsibility. These are two totally different things. If he'd seen a pic of the kids and said, "Ewww, your kids are really funny looking....the date's off...." well, that would be insulting lol.

[preraph]

Oh, please to anyone feeling sorry for her. Isn't it kind of an important thing to tell someone you have kids in your profile. She knew what she was doing. And if there hadn't been a childcare conflict, you would have gone out and you still wouldn't know. She concealed this because she knows it will limit her field of admirers. Just either ghost on her since she broke the date or tell her, "I had no idea you had a kid, and that's a dealbreaker for me. Sorry. Wish I'd known sooner."

[littleblackheart]

Oh, please to anyone feeling sorry for her. Isn't it kind of an important thing to tell someone you have kids in your profile. She knew what she was doing. And if there hadn't been a childcare conflict, you would have gone out and you still wouldn't know. She concealed this because she knows it will limit her field of admirers. Just either ghost on her since she broke the date or tell her, "I had no idea you had a kid, and that's a dealbreaker for me. Sorry. Wish I'd known sooner."

 

Not feeling sorry for her here. If it's ok to cut him slack for not mentioning his preferences in his own profile, I don't see how it's ok to dump it all on her.

 

I don't know online dating protocols (nor do I care to know) but judging on common sense only, both parties have been naive (at best).

Edited March 3, 2018 by littleblackheart

[Imajerk17]

I don't know about Bumble per se, but in most OLD sites there is a category for your lifestyle/whether you were married or not (have kids or no/never married or divorced or separated). In fact, that category is usually displayed pretty prominently, as many many people screen by that.

 

So on that note, I would say that the onus was on *her*--OP's prospective date--to let OP know she has a child, and *not* on OP to put in his profile that he would rather date someone without children.

 

So OP, just tell her you don't think it is a match and leave it at that. That's all you owe her. If pressed you can tell her short-n-sweet that you'd rather date someone without kids. Hopefully for next time she will put that she has kids in her profile, which in the long run will only save her time.

Edited March 3, 2018 by Imajerk17

[littleblackheart]

I don't know about Bumble per se, but in most OLD sites there is a category for your lifestyle/whether you were married or not (have kids or no/never married or divorced or separated).

 

So on that note, I would say that the onus was on *her*--OP's prospective date--to let OP know she has a child, and *not* on OP to put in his profile that he would rather date someone without children.

 

So OP just tell her you don't think it is a match and leave it at that. That's all you owe her.

 

Totally genuine question (apologies if this sounds like a silly question to you): if the whole point of online dating is to find someone you are compatible with, isn't the onus equally shared by both parties to be totally honest with their preferences? Does a woman have to actually meet a man who does not want kids or a woman with kids first to find out? I'm completely puzzled by that, and I know a few child-free women who would be equally put off by that.

Edited March 3, 2018 by littleblackheart

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

So on that note, I would say that the onus was on *her*--OP's prospective date--to let OP know she has a child, and *not* on OP to put in his profile that he would rather date someone without children.

 

Ya know, you have a point. I have to admit there's part of me that might think, "Oh...why not? Is he a sex offender or something? Is he not allowed to be around children?"

 

Probably best for the one with kids to be upfront about it . I always was when I did OLD.

 

Also, just throwing this out there, just as there's a huge difference between dating someone with kids and someone without, there's a huge difference between dating someone who has shared custody vs. dating someone who has sole custody with the other parent not in the picture at all.

[TheFinalWord]

I understand what you mean about not wanting to ghost on someone. However, I support it in this case. To me, leaving out the child component of her profile is a bit dishonest. Everyone knows that is a big variable in a dating relationship. If you ghost her, she will know exactly why.

 

I have had that happen a few times on Bumble myself. Unsure why.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Totally genuine question (apologies if this sounds like a silly question to you): if the whole point of online dating is to find someone you are compatible with, isn't the onus equally shared by both parties to be totally honest with their preferences? Does a woman have to actually meet a man who does not want kids or a woman with kids first to find out? I'm completely puzzled by that, and I know a few child-free women who would be equally put off by that.

 

I'm not sure I'm totally understanding your question (which was not directed at me anyway), but I know for me, until I dated a man without children I did not know that my preference was to date a man with children. So, it is possible to not always know your preference until you've experienced it.

 

I also never knew I had to specify I preferred a man who brushed his teeth. But I found out you do need to be clear about that. Who knew?

[Timshel]

Being ghosted bothered me so much I didn't want to do it to anyone, but I see your point. It was kind of an error of omission on her part. I've seen a lot of profiles that list being a mom or having kids or even have pics of them with the kids. With her she just threw that in about trying to reschedule. Had I picked a different date she may have sprung it on me in person.

 

She is an insecure woman that is hoping her boobs or behind or her agree-ability to do something will make you stupid.

 

It's that simple. Don't be stupid.

[littleblackheart]

I'm not sure I'm totally understanding your question (which was not directed at me anyway), but I know for me, until I dated a man without children I did not know that my preference was to date a man with children. So, it is possible to not always know your preference until you've experienced it.

 

I also never knew I had to specify I preferred a man who brushed his teeth. But I found out you do need to be clear about that. Who knew?

 

Tbh I find the whole thing confusing myself! My general rule is, as much as possible, say what you think. In OP's case, it is quite clear in his mind he doesn't want to date a woman with kids (which of course is totally fine) - why would he not make that clear himself in the profile thing?

 

I don't really understand online rules (or any social rules, in truth!) but I can't wrap my head around the fact it's totally ok for him to omit that from his profile, despite the fact it's clearly a non negociatiable thing, and why the girl is solely to blame for the current situation?

[kendahke]

What this woman did was dishonest -

 

Him omitting this information is also dishonest because he's putting forth, by not having it in his profile, that he's open to all relationships when he's not. And if right was so on his side, this post wouldn't even be here and he wouldn't be tripping about how to put his views across. He'd stand in his truth and take his butt whippin' for it.

 

Now, if he wants to do a selfish move by leading someone to believe something about him that is not true, then that's his karma that's going to land on his head for it.

[Imajerk17]

Totally genuine question (apologies if this sounds like a silly question to you): if the whole point of online dating is to find someone you are compatible with, isn't the onus equally shared by both parties to be totally honest with their preferences? Does a woman have to actually meet a man who does not want kids or a woman with kids first to find out? I'm completely puzzled by that, and I know a few child-free women who would be equally put off by that.

Well to answer your question, EVERYONE has the responsibility to fill out their profile honestly. The "Have Kids" question is right near the top and is often MANDATORY to answer, the "Willing to Date Someone w Kids" further down and more likely optional.

 

So I am wondering what answer this woman put for the "Have Kids" question. If she put "No" then that is completely on her as she lied in her profile. If she put "Yes" or even "I'll tell you later" then OP needs to check more carefully.

[kendahke]

Him omitting this information is also dishonest because he's putting forth, by not having it in his profile, that he's open to all relationships when he's not. And if right was so on his side, this post wouldn't even be here and he wouldn't be tripping about how to put his views across. He'd stand in his truth and take his butt whippin' for it.

 

Now, if he wants to do a selfish move by leading someone to believe something about him that is not true, then that's his karma that's going to land on his head for it.

 

He can't control what someone else does--he can control what he does and if he wants to eliminate the awkwardness of having to determine how to vaporize on someone whose life path is different than what he wants, then pull up the big boy pants and deal with the consequences of his actions.

[littleblackheart]

Well to answer your question, EVERYONE has the responsibility to fill out their profile honestly. The "Have Kids" question is right near the top and is often MANDATORY to answer, the "Willing to Date Someone w Kids" further down and more likely optional.

 

So I am wondering what answer this woman put for the "Have Kids" question. If she put "No" then that is completely on her as she lied in her profile. If she put "Yes" or even "I'll tell you later" then OP needs to check more carefully.

 

Thanks. I don't mean to be dense, but if the kids / no kids issue matters that much to someone, whether it's mandatory or optional on the profile thing (I don't know how it works, sorry) is totally besides the point, imo.

 

State what you want (or have) and be done with it for the sake of clarity, if anything else.

Edited March 3, 2018 by littleblackheart

[kendahke]

State what you want (or have) and be done with it for the sake of clarity, if anything else.

 

^^^co-sign

 

Exactly... because there are plenty of women (me included) that refuse to date men with children still in the house and I make that plain in my profile--and seriously? I don't care what stranger's feelings that hurts because 1. I don't owe a stranger devotion or compliance off the bat; and 2. I do not want children underfoot unless they can go home with their parents at the end of the day. I'm done rearing children in this lifetime.

 

And you know what? I'm not contacted by men who have children under foot... there are plenty of women who want to take on that role and he needs to go find one of them.

[JuneL]

Since you have had only very brief text correspondences, I would think any of the suggestions from the posters would be fine.

 

But I don’t think it’s such a great idea for you to state you don’t date women with kids. It’s common knowledge that many guys don’t date fat women, but it would sound offensive (even to many slim women) if a guy actually states in his profile that he would stay away from fat women.

[littleblackheart]

But I don’t think it’s such a great idea for you to state you don’t date women with kids. It’s common knowledge that many guys don’t date fat women, but it would sound offensive (even to many slim women) if a guy actually states in his profile that he would stay away from fat women.

 

What if it's the truth, though? At least they'd be garanteed to find like-minded people, no? Also, while 'fat' is subjective or cultural, 'kids' is not really open to ambiguity.

 

I find it seriously confounding that people would be willing to waste time, energy and money not stating exactly what they want based on the fact that complete strangers they will never meet may find it offensive.

No wonder so many people are frustrated with online dating!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I find it seriously confounding that people would be willing to waste time, energy and money not stating exactly what they want based on the fact that complete strangers they will never meet may find it offensive.

 

Well, when you put it that way..... :lmao:

 

You're 100% correct