LivingWaterPlease Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I suppose it could be put in the profile in a positive way, such as, "Although I find children delightful (love children, whatever!) I feel in order to give someone my best I need more time before I'm ready to date with children in the equation. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Didn't read the whole thread, but I don't see any issue with bailing on someone who has a small child...It does seem insensitive, and maybe it's something people shouldn't be so rigid on, but I do realize that it does happen. And it's within their rights and they shouldn't be blasted for it.. I also have no issue with women bailing out on a guy with a limp dick...I think it's important to know that information beforehand and while it ,may be uncomfortable and embarrassing, maybe guys should be upfront about that... Seems so exhausting....I feel for y'all... TFY
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 You could say your ideal partner is childfree but open to having children in the future.... lol Who am I kidding? No man is ever going to say that. :laugh:
Happy Lemming Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 OLD is not about honesty... This is 100% true!! This is also why I gave up on OLD after briefly trying it. My odds were better meeting someone in the "real world" that was telling me the truth. In my experience, people are less likely to lie to your face. Also you can't "photo shop" real life. 1
SevenCity Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 If your ideal Asian woman is upset that you usually date Asian women, she's not ideal is she? Here's the thing about women, they don't like to feel objectified. They want to feel special and, although want to be desired sexually, don't want that to be the primary reason for your attraction. A lot of Asian women feel that guys like them because of the traditional stereotypes about them and it upsets them. I guess I might be annoyed if I felt my height is the only reason a woman was with me. I used to have this friend who only dated women with large breasts. If you look back at all the women he dated they were all top heavy. Now imagine he listed that in an OLD profile "Please don't contact me unless your cup size is D or larger". Not a good opener, is it? Although it may be the truth, it would likely turn off all women - including those with massive jugs. And though my "ideal" is Asian, I'm open to other chicks as well. Listing my ideal would turn off white chicks. 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Here's the thing about women, they don't like to feel objectified. They want to feel special and, although want to be desired sexually, don't want that to be the primary reason for your attraction. A lot of Asian women feel that guys like them because of the traditional stereotypes about them and it upsets them. I guess I might be annoyed if I felt my height is the only reason a woman was with me. I used to have this friend who only dated women with large breasts. If you look back at all the women he dated they were all top heavy. Now imagine he listed that in an OLD profile "Please don't contact me unless your cup size is D or larger". Not a good opener, is it? Although it may be the truth, it would likely turn off all women - including those with massive jugs. And though my "ideal" is Asian, I'm open to other chicks as well. Listing my ideal would turn off white chicks. Yeah, I agree with all of this. Several years ago when I was online dating I met, and went out with a few times, a black man who ONLY dates white women. Outright refuses to date black women. I found that SO off-putting and we had a lot of conversations about it. He also had no relationship with his children, blamed the (black) baby mama, yet never fought for them/to see them. To me, his refusal to even give black women a chance was prejudiced and it make me think of him as narrow minded. He now has a very serious long term girlfriend who could not possibly be any more white unless she was an Albino.
SevenCity Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Yeah, I agree with all of this. Several years ago when I was online dating I met, and went out with a few times, a black man who ONLY dates white women. Outright refuses to date black women. I found that SO off-putting and we had a lot of conversations about it. He also had no relationship with his children, blamed the (black) baby mama, yet never fought for them/to see them. To me, his refusal to even give black women a chance was prejudiced and it make me think of him as narrow minded. He now has a very serious long term girlfriend who could not possibly be any more white unless she was an Albino. Exactly. The one I'm currently dating was put off by my Asian women track record (which I still have to learn to keep my mouth shut!) when I answered which counties of origin. She said "What, are you making a collection?" I said to her "Would you say the same thing if I only dated white women?" (I'm white). The reality is, few people end up with what their "ideal" image was. No need to turn off someone who may otherwise be a perfect match. In real life you don't list your deal breakers when you meet someone. You usually determine if the good outweighs the bad. If the good is so good you might be willing to overlook something which was previously a deal breaker - including a kid. I have a friend who did exactly that. He was totally against a woman who had kids but is now dating one. 2
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Everyone is so scared that "He/She only likes me for <insert trait>". I understand the insecurity but I think it's so stupid. Everyone needs to just chill. People usually like more than one thing about a person but yes sometimes they might like something superficial about you. Big deal. Have some confidence that you are more than that one trait. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I used to have this friend who only dated women with large breasts. If you look back at all the women he dated they were all top heavy. Now imagine he listed that in an OLD profile "Please don't contact me unless your cup size is D or larger". Not a good opener, is it? Although it may be the truth, it would likely turn off all women - including those with massive jugs. And though my "ideal" is Asian, I'm open to other chicks as well. Listing my ideal would turn off white chicks. I dunno, man... It's all in the wording.... No experience in this venue, but if I did I would be pretty clear about what I prefer and I can't see how that would be a turnoff for other women that don't fit that criteria... It's like this... Let's say your buddy stated..." I have a preference for women with larger breasts, so that would be a big plus" sounds a lot better than "flat women can move along now"..... How would a larger breasted woman be turned off?? How would a guy with a good physique be turned off if a woman stated "out of shape or skinny guys are not my thing....I want a guy with a good physique",....I'd think that would be good info for that guy to know TFY
SevenCity Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Everyone is so scared that "He/She only likes me for <insert trait>". I understand the insecurity but I think it's so stupid. Everyone needs to just chill. People usually like more than one thing about a person but yes sometimes they might like something superficial about you. Big deal. Have some confidence that you are more than that one trait. It's different with OLD. You may get 10 seconds for someone to make a decision. I think it's less about insecurity and more about selling yourself. It's like a resume. Are you going to list you may take a long lunch once and a while? Though it may be true, and you may be a fantastic employee, they are going to swipe left so fast your head will spin.
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Ideally I believe you shouldn’t list any dealbreakers in your profile at all. But if you really want to I guess spinning it positively could be better than putting a list of dealbreakers “don’t contact me if you’re fat, poor, short, don’t want kids and have ED “. In the end , dating is meant to get to know people and find out , in time, if you are compatible or not . So wasting some time is gonna be part of the game. Once a dealbreaker is identified, breaking up will happen. 1
SevenCity Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I dunno, man... It's all in the wording.... No experience in this venue, but if I did I would be pretty clear about what I prefer and I can't see how that would be a turnoff for other women that don't fit that criteria... It's like this... Let's say your buddy stated..." I have a preference for women with larger breasts, so that would be a big plus" sounds a lot better than "flat women can move along now"..... How would a larger breasted woman be turned off?? How would a guy with a good physique be turned off if a woman stated "out of shape or skinny guys are not my thing....I want a guy with a good physique",....I'd think that would be good info for that guy to know TFY Ask 10 random large breasted women what they think about your preference to date only large breasted women. Or ask 10 thin women about your preference to only date thin women. You'll soon find out that you are a pig Logically your argument is sound. Logic rarely works with women. 1
Author max3732 Posted March 4, 2018 Author Posted March 4, 2018 To be fair though, kids and ED are not in the same league! ED is easily treatable and is usually a temporary thing, kids are there to stay. I guess it's much ado about not a lot in the end; people are just trying to present yourself in whatever way they think will help them find the best matches for them and the rest is a bit of luck, I suppose. OP, what have you decided to do? I contacted her and mentioned some of the things I found attractive about her and let her know how much I've enjoyed chatting with her, but that I'm not ready yet to date someone with kids. Also wished her good luck on her search. 6
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Here's the thing about women, they don't like to feel objectified. They want to feel special and, although want to be desired sexually, don't want that to be the primary reason for your attraction. A lot of Asian women feel that guys like them because of the traditional stereotypes about them and it upsets them. I guess I might be annoyed if I felt my height is the only reason a woman was with me. I used to have this friend who only dated women with large breasts. If you look back at all the women he dated they were all top heavy. Now imagine he listed that in an OLD profile "Please don't contact me unless your cup size is D or larger". Not a good opener, is it? Although it may be the truth, it would likely turn off all women - including those with massive jugs. And though my "ideal" is Asian, I'm open to other chicks as well. Listing my ideal would turn off white chicks. Have you ever actually tried to clearly state what you want? I'm asking because it looks as though you are making a lot of assimptions about 'women' in general, and Asian women in particular. I don't think your ideal criteria are outrageous or that out of the norm - plenty of men prefer Asian women. There even are specific websites geared towards this choice. And you seem to prefer them for the exact same reason all other men like them (nothing wrong with that btw, that's totally fine). The way I see it, it doesn't matter if 90% are put off by your choices anyway; you want to reel in that one special person that will fit your criteria just right. It'll take more of your energy to keep it vague and keep on getting matched with women who are not the right fit, all the while expecting women to be totally truthful in their own representation of themselves. You may be a great man in person but it looks like you are making it much harder for yourself than it should be; unless of course you have another motive for not being clear and open with what you want.
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Ask 10 random large breasted women what they think about your preference to date only large breasted women. Or ask 10 thin women about your preference to only date thin women. You'll soon find out that you are a pig Logically your argument is sound. Logic rarely works with women. Well let's see.... I'd think TFY is a pig for only wanting to date large breasted women, but that is because I am small breasted. I would NOT think he was a pig for only wanting to date thin women, I'd think that's perfectly fine, but that is because I am thin. But in reality I think he wouldn't date thin women either so that makes him a pig. :laugh: 1
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I contacted her and mentioned some of the things I found attractive about her and let her know how much I've enjoyed chatting with her, but that I'm not ready yet to date someone with kids. Also wished her good luck on her search. Sounds like a thoughtful way to let her know how you feel - very gentlemanly! 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Well, I personally think it's passive to expect people to be honest while omitting relevant info about yourself because it's easier. Being contacted by a number of people you don't care about for the sake of being 'positive and appealing' sounds like false advertising and a fantastic waste of time. I'm sure there's a way to state you don't want to date people with kids in a positive way! I also assume your non-negociable list is what is going to make or break the relationship anyway! If the law of online dating is to appear to be someone you're not for the sake of protecting your non-existent online reputation in the eyes of people you don't know, be prepated to do that for years on end or end up with someone who 'will do' as opposed to someone who would be right for you. If that's what makes the online dating world go round, thanks but no thanks! Look @littleblackheart, this is what you are missing. When I filled out my profile I wasn't going by some deep philosophy, I was instead doing what WORKS for me. I was doing what was EFFECTIVE. When I started doing OLD I did not want to date someone with kids, and I put that in my profile. I ended up taking that line out pretty quickly and never ended up putting it back in. Why: A. My response rate with women I WAS interested in went down, by quite a bit. B. It actually turned out not to be a hard requirement for me. I did end up dating women with children (I met these women "in real life") and it worked out pretty well. I have also written on the site women who had kids, whose profile still blew me away. C. Putting no kids on my profile didn't stop women with kids from writing me anyway! Basically I decided I was much better off making my profile appealing--so that women I was interested in would write me back, and then after that, weeding out those I was not interested in, which turned out to be quick and easy. Anyway that said, I do get that OLD is frustrating as a single parent, especially as a single mother. More women seem to be open to dating a man with kids than men seem to be dating a woman with kids. I advise people to be upfront about their family situation not because they "owe it" to strangers online, but instead because it will benefit them the most. The woman OP was in contact with, by not mentioning that she has kids, was taking the worst of it. She probably has to deal with a parade of guys making contact and then losing interest on her. And that has to get tiring. 2
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Sounds like a thoughtful way to let her know how you feel - very gentlemanly! She'll probably be butt hurt if it's her first time hearing it. But she needs to learn that some men don't like women with kids and that is perfect fine and understandable.. This guy is good. It's the ones who are iffy about it that are the worst. i.e. I don't want to say anything to scare off women with kids because I would still date them even though they aren't my ideal. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Well let's see.... I'd think TFY is a pig for only wanting to date large breasted women, but that is because I am small breasted. I would NOT think he was a pig for only wanting to date thin women, I'd think that's perfectly fine, but that is because I am thin. But in reality I think he wouldn't date thin women either so that makes him a pig. :laugh: And on the other hand, I'm a large breasted woman, and I still would think, "hmmph, all that man cares about is boobs? No thanks....I'm more than my boobs." What was that SevenCity said about women and logic? I realize that my gut reaction to the boob think is not really rational because of course the checklist is longer than "big boobs" but my and automatically goes to a checklist with just one item on it and that's offensive to me as a very smart, warm, responsible, kind woman who just happens to also have boobs. 2
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Look @littleblackheart, this is what you are missing. When I filled out my profile I wasn't going by some deep philosophy, I was instead doing what WORKS for me. I was doing what was EFFECTIVE. When I started doing OLD I did not want to date someone with kids, and I put that in my profile. I ended up taking that line out pretty quickly and never ended up putting it back in. Why: A. My response rate with women I WAS interested in went down, by quite a bit. B. It actually turned out not to be a hard requirement for me. I did end up dating women with children (I met these women "in real life") and it worked out pretty well. I have also written on the site women who had kids, whose profile still blew me away. C. Putting no kids on my profile didn't stop women with kids from writing me anyway! Basically I decided I was much better off making my profile appealing--so that women I was interested in would write me back, and then after that, weeding out those I was not interested in, which turned out to be quick and easy. Anyway that said, I do get that OLD is frustrating as a single parent, especially as a single mother. More women seem to be open to dating a man with kids than men seem to be dating a woman with kids. I advise people to be upfront about their family situation not because they "owe it" to strangers online, but instead because it will benefit them the most. The woman OP was in contact with, by not mentioning that she has kids, was taking the worst of it. She probably has to deal with a parade of guys making contact and then losing interest on her. And that has to get tiring. The OP is hardline about it. You were not. That is the difference. 2
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 And on the other hand, I'm a large breasted woman, and I still would think, "hmmph, all that man cares about is boobs? No thanks....I'm more than my boobs." What was that SevenCity said about women and logic? I realize that my gut reaction to the boob think is not really rational because of course the checklist is longer than "big boobs" but my and automatically goes to a checklist with just one item on it and that's offensive to me as a very smart, warm, responsible, kind woman who just happens to also have boobs. I used to be just like you until A MAN explained it to me that it's inevitable and HUMAN that a man is going to like something sexual about you. We are sexually driven after all. That doesn't mean that it's ALL that they like. Not at all. Come on, be real? And to be frank, we women have some preferences in men that can be hard for them to swallow too. So everybody just need to chill. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I used to be just like you until A MAN explained it to me that it's inevitable and HUMAN that a man is going to like something sexual about you. We are sexually driven after all. That doesn't mean that it's ALL that they like. Not at all. Come on, be real? And to be frank, we women have some preferences in men that can be hard for them to swallow too. So everybody just need to chill. :lmao: Yes! 2
JuneL Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 JuneL and BlueEyeL, are you two sisters? Sorry to disappoint you, but no, we’re not. 1
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 . It actually turned out not to be a hard requirement for me. I did end up dating women with children (I met these women "in real life") and it worked out pretty well. I have also written on the site women who had kids, whose profile still blew me away. . That's the main part. If it's not a hard line and you are open to it, fine. Others have it as an absolute no go zone (which is totally fine too) - they really should keep it in. I don't know what I've missed, other than we don't see the use of online dating the same way (also totally fine!). 1
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