Imajerk17 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) What if it's the truth, though? At least they'd be garanteed to find like-minded people, no? Also, while 'fat' is subjective or cultural, 'kids' is not really open to ambiguity. I find it seriously confounding that people would be willing to waste time, energy and money not stating exactly what they want based on the fact that complete strangers they will never meet may find it offensive. No wonder so many people are frustrated with online dating! In this instance where OP wants to date someone w/o kids, it's instead much simpler to just check someone's profile to see whether they have kids or not, and go from there. Meanwhile OP isn't "wasting time, energy, and money" though, as he already decided after texting not to go through with a date. That's often just how the process goes. He is thoughtful enough to care about finding a nice way to say the date won't be happening instead of ghosting--which is what many people would do. Now SHE on the other hand is the one who may be (or may not be) disappointed about the date not going through after all that texting. Your advice to put the deal-breakers in your profile may sound like good advice, but it actually is not. The point of an OLD profile is to get the right people to make contact with you--and then you can weed out the wrong people along the way via reading their profile/texting/phone conversation/first meetup. The profile is to be positive and appealing. A list of deal-breakers, that isn't appealing to anyone, and will turn off many many people whom you could be interested in. (And even worse, many people with said deal-breakers will still contact you!) Don't do that! Edited March 4, 2018 by Imajerk17 4
kendahke Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) I don't see anything wrong with asking people with certain attributes not to contact you. It helps people not waste time. In fact, I think the OP should state in his profile that he doesn't want women with kids to contact him. The main reason why I did not like the swiping dating apps is because there was not enough information in them. Exactly. They're hook up for sex apps that turned into dating apps. If you're going to change your oil, you don't use cake batter. If an app doesn't provide for mentioning if someone has kids or other preferences, then by and large, they're not matchmaking sites---they're hook up apps. eHarmony, Match, OKC all provide for those preferences when you fill out the information before you can populate your profile because they are designed to be relationship finding sites. That people want to turn bumbl into what it's really not designed to be is the problem. I, for one, do not like my time wasted by someone who isn't what/who I'm looking for; therefore, I control what I can control and don't waste my time gnashing my teeth over what someone else should have done... shoulda woulda coulda... Edited March 4, 2018 by kendahke 3
FilterCoffee Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Exactly. They're hook up for sex apps that turned into dating apps. If you're going to change your oil, you don't use cake batter. If an app doesn't provide for mentioning if someone has kids or other preferences, then by and large, they're not matchmaking sites---they're hook up apps. eHarmony, Match, OKC all provide for those preferences when you fill out the information before you can populate your profile because they are designed to be relationship finding sites. That people want to turn bumbl into what it's really not designed to be is the problem. I, for one, do not like my time wasted by someone who isn't what/who I'm looking for; therefore, I control what I can control and don't waste my time gnashing my teeth over what someone else should have done... shoulda woulda coulda... Great post kendahke. 2
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 In this instance where OP wants to date someone w/o kids, it's instead much simpler to just check someone's profile to see whether they have kids or not, and go from there. Meanwhile OP isn't "wasting time, energy, and money" though, as he already decided after texting not to go through with a date. That's often just how the process goes. He is thoughtful enough to care about finding a nice way to say the date won't be happening instead of ghosting--which is what many people would do. Now SHE on the other hand is the one who may be (or may not be) disappointed about the date not going through after all that texting. Your advice to put the deal-breakers in your profile may sound like good advice, but it actually is not. The point of an OLD profile is to get the right people to make contact with you--and then you can weed out the wrong people along the way via reading their profile/texting/phone conversation/first meetup. The profile is to be positive and appealing. A list of deal-breakers, that isn't appealing to anyone, and will turn off many many people whom you could be interested in. (And even worse, many people with said deal-breakers will still contact you!) Don't do that! Well, I personally think it's passive to expect people to be honest while omitting relevant info about yourself because it's easier. Being contacted by a number of people you don't care about for the sake of being 'positive and appealing' sounds like false advertising and a fantastic waste of time. I'm sure there's a way to state you don't want to date people with kids in a positive way! I also assume your non-negociable list is what is going to make or break the relationship anyway! If the law of online dating is to appear to be someone you're not for the sake of protecting your non-existent online reputation in the eyes of people you don't know, be prepated to do that for years on end or end up with someone who 'will do' as opposed to someone who would be right for you. If that's what makes the online dating world go round, thanks but no thanks! 2
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 The reason you don't understsnd is you are a woman. You have never experienced the type of rejection a guy has. If you put your profile onlne there will be no shortage of men who will date you. As a guy, it is a much different picture. Guys do not have the sheer volume of suiters that women do so we cannot afford to put anything in the profile which would turn off otherwise compatible women. As mentioned, if I listed I won't date a fat girl then even thin girls may be turned off finding it shallow or worried if they got fat in the future. OLD is not about honesty, it's about selling a product (yourself). Women only need be concerned if they are unattractive though I have found even they can list demands as well. I realise this is not exactly a level playing field for various reasons but it seems to me you are focusing on the vehicle (online dating) and not the end goal (finding the right person for you). If this particular thing (not dating women with kids) is a condition that is set in stone for you, then I think you should state it regardless of the consequences (if things are as dire as you say, I can't see it making a huge difference if I'm honest). If it's a rule you can bend if you really find a great connection with someone with kids, then don't flip a switch at the thought of meeting someone who does have kids for something other than easy casual sex. I can't see how a reasonable person with kids would have their feelings hurts because it's a no go zone for you. It's totally acceptable to not want to date people with kids anyway. 1
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Why should he put "no kids" if he might want one of his own sometime. This is her issue, not his. It's not unusual for people not to want to date people who already have kids. It's more on her simply because if you were a good mother and protective of your kids, wouldn't the first requisite you'd want be that a man not only liked kids but didn't mind someone else's kids if you're thinking of dating him? Doesn't seem high on her priority list. Because it's not a him vs her thing? He may want kids of his own later but he doesn't want to date someone who already has kids now (which is totally fine) so what's the big deal in saying as much? If he changes his mind at a later stage, I assume he can also change his profile, no? If she posts on LS asking why guys who don't want kids are contacting her, I'd tell her the exact same thing - put it on your profile that you have kids! It's not about taking one side over the other, it's about both being transparent in what they want and not expecting other people to do all the work for them! 1
guest569 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I think stating deal breakers on your profile comes across as negative. Who wants to get a list of deal breakers the moment someone catches their eye? Unless of course it is a question in a drop down menu like on some dating sites. Bumble isn’t one of them. Okcupid is good for getting the background info and weeding people out. 1
JuneL Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Yep. I'd like to know upfront if a man has ED or any type of sexual dysfunction. Would love for them to state that in their profile, it would sure save me some time! This is an easy one: Since you are one of those who think one should list his/her dealbreakers in the profile, you should just state clearly “Guys, please don’t contact me if you have ED.” Problem solved 2
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 This is an easy one: Since you are one of those who think one should list his/her dealbreakers in the profile, you should just state clearly “Guys, please don’t contact me if you have ED.” Problem solved Lol. No thanks. Touché But at least it’s not because I might still want to have a friendship with that guy with ED, so I’m leaving it open. 2
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) Lol. No thanks. Touché But at least it’s not because I might still want to have a friendship with that guy with ED, so I’m leaving it open. To be fair though, kids and ED are not in the same league! ED is easily treatable and is usually a temporary thing, kids are there to stay. I guess it's much ado about not a lot in the end; people are just trying to present yourself in whatever way they think will help them find the best matches for them and the rest is a bit of luck, I suppose. OP, what have you decided to do? Edited March 4, 2018 by littleblackheart 1
act00 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I can understand the thought process behind not sharing the fact that she has a child online. There are creepers out there who seek single women to get near the child, and it's downright frightening, but omitting such a huge fact from her profile is setting herself up for the very thing that's happening right now, and that is that men who do not want to date someone with children will cut and run once she spills the beans. Plus the fact that she essentially lied, and that doesn't set up for a good start. It's a risk she's taking and she'll be hurt for sure, but this is reality. OP, I think the only thing you can do is say that you don't think this is going to work out and wish her well. You've gotten a couple of good suggestions. Maybe she'll think you're a ____ for it, but it is what it is and she knows this. She's not just shopping for a spouse, she's shopping for a stepfather, and she wants someone who's willing to step up to the plate, so as hurtful as it may be, ultimately it spares a lot of wasted time and emotions on someone who is not wanting to be a stepfather. I guess Bumble doesn't ask basic questions like have kids/want kids or smoker, drinker, pets, religion. Maybe stick to sites that have that process, so you can skip the ones that have kids. It won't stop women with kids from contacting you, but when you peruse their profile, you'll know.
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I think it’s up to each person to disclose info about status including kids. If the app doesn’t have the option list it in the profile in some other way. I’m a mom too but I dated on match and the option there is available to disclose kids and how many. My now husband said he was open to dating someone with kids but no more than one, so he knew I had one. He said if I had two he wouldn’t have contacted me. I do believe that it’s not good to list dealbreakers in ones profile. If someone doesn’t disclose major things such as age marital status parental status imo is perfectly fine and actually very good to let them know it’s not going to work out once you find out. Same with ED. lol
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I think it’s up to each person to disclose info about status including kids. If the app doesn’t have the option list it in the profile in some other way. I’m a mom too but I dated in March and the option there is available to disclose kids and how many. My now husband said he was open to dating someone with kids but no more than one, so he knew I had one. He said if I had two he wouldn’t have contacted me. I do believe that it’s not good to list dealbreakers in ones profile. If someone doesn’t disclose major things such as age marital status parental status imo is perfectly fine and actually very good to let them know it’s not going to work out once you find out. Same with ED. lol How about stating something like 'I'm looking for a child-free person'? ( plus all the other attributes you are looking for in someone) - that's not stating it in a negative way or as a dealbreaker and gets the point across in a non-offensive way. There are so many social codes to make sense of when doing online dating - reading about it is enough to make my head spin! Things would be so much simpler if people would state exactly what they want without being worried about their image. 2
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I guess if you find a way to make it sound less negative that would be fine. 2
Art_Critic Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 That's an interesting point, while not wanting to date someone with kids isn't anything other than a preference it should also be in your dating profile just as having kids should be. The only way to break it to her is to just say it, I'm sorry there isn't a connection and I don't see this going any further.. no hurting additions... If they want more then just tell them that kids aren't something that you prefer. 2
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Something like “my ideal match is kind, adventurous , child free and eager to enjoy what life has to offer” etc 3
JuneL Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Something like “my ideal match is kind, adventurous , child free and eager to enjoy what life has to offer” etc “My ideal match is child-free, drama-free, debt-free, drug-free, criminal-record-free, roommate-free, and last but not least, ED-free.” 6
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 “My ideal match is child-free, drama-free, debt-free, drug-free, criminal-record-free, roommate-free, and last but not least, ED-free.” Lmao! Hilarious 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 “My ideal match is child-free, drama-free, debt-free, drug-free, criminal-record-free, roommate-free, and last but not least, ED-free.” :lmao::lmao:
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Something like “my ideal match is kind, adventurous , child free and eager to enjoy what life has to offer” etc Something like that, yes. So really it's not that complicated to add it to your profile in a positive way! 1
SevenCity Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Something like “my ideal match is kind, adventurous , child free and eager to enjoy what life has to offer” etc As a woman, this would be fine (assuming it's read). As a guy, it will limit you. "Child free? Does he see children as a burden? But I want kids one day! What a jerk!" I usually bypass profiles requesting a certain height no matter how it's stated - and I almost always meet the requirement as I'm 6'. I find it off-putting. I prefer to date Asian women. If I list that in my profile it will turn them off because they feel objectified. I've actually had several who were less than thrilled to learn about my past Asian gf's. So, an ideal Asian woman will usually be upset that I usually date Asian women. See my point? 4
JuneL Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 As a woman, this would be fine (assuming it's read). As a guy, it will limit you. "Child free? Does he see children as a burden? But I want kids one day! What a jerk!" I usually bypass profiles requesting a certain height no matter how it's stated - and I almost always meet the requirement as I'm 6'. I find it off-putting. I prefer to date Asian women. If I list that in my profile it will turn them off because they feel objectified. I've actually had several who were less than thrilled to learn about my past Asian gf's. So, an ideal Asian woman will usually be upset that I usually date Asian women. See my point? Indeed. Both my second and third/current bfs are not of my own ethnic background, but I would stay away from those who exclusively date women of my own ethnic background.
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 You can not please everyone. I can not stress this enough! 3
Art_Critic Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) You can not please everyone. I can not stress this enough! You don't sound pleased That is true and a good thing to remember in general not just in dating. It helps to have thick skin and a short memory when it comes to dating.. Edited March 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 As a woman, this would be fine (assuming it's read). As a guy, it will limit you. "Child free? Does he see children as a burden? But I want kids one day! What a jerk!" I usually bypass profiles requesting a certain height no matter how it's stated - and I almost always meet the requirement as I'm 6'. I find it off-putting. I prefer to date Asian women. If I list that in my profile it will turn them off because they feel objectified. I've actually had several who were less than thrilled to learn about my past Asian gf's. So, an ideal Asian woman will usually be upset that I usually date Asian women. See my point? If your ideal Asian woman is upset that you usually date Asian women, she's not ideal is she? The more specific and non-negociable your requirements are, the more it makes sense for you to state them clearly if you want a real relationship. The only reason for you not to do so is so you have a chance at getting your rocks off with a 'non ideal' woman while you find your one true love. I don't have any specific physical requirements at all so online dating is pointless to me - I don't date in any case but if I were, I'd be alerting friends and colleagues to help set me up with someone they already think could be a match. Character and attitude towards life and the people around him is crucial to me. I don't care that a guy is 6 foot tall if he's insecure or possessive. I don't care that he has kids or not if he's uncaring or controlling. I don't care that he's blond or dark haired if he treats his immediate family poorly or can't move on from his past. Words or faces do nothing for me. But if your own criteria are easily filtered through the online dating app selection process, make full use of it. 1
Recommended Posts