Wandering Eyes Will Cheat?

[Logo]

M

For me, it is as if there are two people. The official one who gives me the standard chat, which is what he needs to hear, and the other character who just reacts and flirts without any thought of who they are with or where in an immature thoughtless manner.

 

Her behavior is immature and it sounds like she either has no respect for herself, you (sorry), the relationship, or all three.

 

Either way, it sounds like she's trying to hide her inner feelings by giving you the official line, as it were. It's typical cheater behavior. And they will go to great lengths to make it seem as if things are okay on the surface. They'll say things like "What are you talking about? That's crazy."

 

You know, terms like "future faking" were invented for a reason.

 

I could be wrong and she could simply be looking for an ego boost like you wrote.

 

You don't have to share it here, but think about how your sex life is going, or if she's being secretive about some things.

 

Have you considered quietly consulting a divorce lawyer? Just in case.

[Whitehart]

Sex was always very good but has tailed off this last year or so.

She has strong fantasies including more than one man and can even see a women in the street, come home and get excited about the woman having sex with me and she watches us together.

[todreaminblue]

fantasies are not reality,.....and often when the two become one...its a disappointment in the making.....

 

your wife should respect you more i have to ask if she is artistic or creative ..i often observe people call it staring if you will but i see beauty in everyone and many things..and i write poetry about what i see....i try not to stare ....and it has nothing to do with sex when i do look at peoples....i would however in a relationship not disrespect my guy by openly ogling other men....its crass....i find beauty though also in women and children anyway and broken people....

 

from the sounds of it......your wife is not happy sexually and wanting to explore ....porn is not the way....and sending you selfies of her while watching porn is also crass.....seems like she wants to explore her sexuality maybe its limited to fantasy...but i feel you seriously need to set down some boundaries about what you are or are not happy to oblige her in sexually...and how her ogling other men upsets you....be honest and blunt....porn sets unreal expectations on both men and women what comes across as hot and intense on screen is actually all fake and she needs to understand that....

 

real love making isnt anything like porn even real sexuality......porn is on loop cut and edited........mostly done by professional sex workers.......real love making isnt self absorbed and exploring sexuality is fine only if both parties are consensual.....i wish you well..you do need to sit down with her and say what is upsetting you...and work at compromise and or her kerbing her behavior when with you..and honestly probably kerbing her behavior when she isnt with you as well.......deb

[mikeylo]

Its a disaster in the making, for you.

 

You can do nothing except divorce her.

 

You will become a laughing stock for others. LEAVE.

 

Yes, flirting = cheating. What she is doing is beyond cheating.Unforgivable unless she changes her entire skin which she can't and won't.

 

Yes, she has destroyed the relationship bit by bit but surely.There is no coming back from this.

[Whitehart]

No, she is not particularly artistic personally, but she likes art and reads very much. So I take your point onboard. The fantasy has been used just in bed, and she draws a clear line between it and reality, or so she says. She always said she had been searching for me, a soul mate, al her life. We are similar in many ways and I can appreciate art and literature. But I feel there have been other red flags.

A few years ago she was on a course and stayed in a hotel for the night. She shared a room with a female colleague. I rang after 10pm, as we spoke she opened the door to a knock and a man spoke in the room. I asked her what was happening and she said he came to fix the TV as her colleague wanted to watch TV. I heard neither her friend, the man again nor the TV! I was furious but she said it was nothing and that I must trust her.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Whitehart

[Whitehart]

The other side of the coin is that she would not go on such course again if it made me jealous...although she did go two months later and after that they stopped... the nights on course in hotels...just day courses.

[mikeylo]

The sad thing here is that you know the relationship is finished but haven't accepted yet.

 

Grieve.Its important.

 

You will reach acceptance in your own time. Sorry.

[Whitehart]

Went away at the weekend and was different. Photo only looking at me...polite and not acting up. She can obviously be more thoughtful when she wants.

 

Whether it means she just didn’t want to upset me, or it tacitly acknowledges her own behavior as wrong, or there weren’t enough good “targets’!

But was a major city. Maybe she can adjust her behavior or is short term adaptation remains to be seen.

[mikeylo]

Logo mentioned a term here : future faking. I had never heard of it before. Google it. Confirms to your last post.

 

Leave man. It’s finished. There is nothing to hold on to. No future. Sorry to say but if you come to think of it, the past will seem like a lie and probably it was. You are in denial. It’s a phase. Get into therapy and grieve the lie you have lived so far and a future that will never be. Sorry.

 

She can continue to get her ego boosted for the rest of her life but in the end she won’t ever have love. Her very very big loss. She may or may not realize what she has lost but by then you would have moved on with someone who has eyes only for you. She isn’t the one for you. You are being abused. Get an attorney and a therapist. You need both urgently.

[bathtub-row]

Thanks for the advice, but as she says, “she has done nothing wrong”. But the iPhone7 live mode shows exactly what is happening. It’s so depressing and it’s getting worse and more blatant. I can’t reason with a brick walll. Even when she sent me loving selfies she was watching porn!

 

It doesn’t matter what she says. Yes, she is doing something wrong. And I’ll save you the suspense — don’t waste your time trying to reason with a person like this. What she’s doing is a form of emotional abuse. The fact that she doesn’t care how this affects you tells you everything you need to know. It’s not so much about whether she loves you or not. It’s about how she uses that love to hurt or manipulate you. This tells you what her true character is and you must accept it because she’ll never change. If this was a guy that I was dating, I’d nicely let him know that our values don’t match up and that the relationship is over.

[S2B]

If she's not helping you to feel safe within the marriage then she is disrespecting you.

 

Ask her to stop it if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

If she doesn't stop then divorce her if you don't like it.

[Whitehart]

Bathtub-row: thank you for such a thought provoking post. This i must read again and really think through. A friend spoke of manipulation, too.s2b, thanks also, yes it would be good to be comfortable within the marriage.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Whitehart

[Whitehart]

Just read up on this term. Interesting.

[Logo]

Maybe she can adjust her behavior or is short term adaptation remains to be seen.

 

You've got good instincts. Follow them.

[Logo]

What she’s doing is a form of emotional abuse. The fact that she doesn’t care how this affects you tells you everything you need to know. It’s not so much about whether she loves you or not. It’s about how she uses that love to hurt or manipulate you.

 

 

I agree. The lies, the manipulation, the denials, the disrespect are all part and parcel of a personality trait.

 

Some people seek help when they choose to change and want to change, others, especially narcissists, will rarely seek help and refuse to take responsibility. They only think about themselves and their feelings.

 

Whitehart, I know you're trying to stay optimistic and feel that you've got a lot invested into this relationship so you're trying to take it one step at a time.

 

The only thing you can do at this point is keep your eyes open. If she goes back to her old ways, then you'll have an unequivocal confirmation that it's time to seek a divorce.

 

In the meantime, take care of yourself, eat, sleep well and try to do some fun things you enjoy.

[Whitehart]

Logo, thank you for your comments. I must say I'm shocked. I'm honest and what I've said is true about this situation. But I expected to be told overwhelmingly that I'm crazy, sad, paranoid or a combination of all three.

But people have given me a very different insight to the one i hear at home. I think there is something in the future taking. I'm gonna get on with living my life, being me, if she wants part of that it's up to her, she talks the talk she must walk the walk.

I don't even want to take stupid photos anymore!

[Whitehart]

Yes there are children, my step children and I think the lad has actually noticed what is happening on a few occasions. This makes me happy not. I think it is something that has alerts happened, is accelerating or I’m more tuned into. Either way it hurts.

[Whitehart]

Yes, I think she gets a kick out of it and is a self-admitted voyeur in an almost masculine manner.

[Whitehart]

Definitely she is immature and she needs me to tell her everyday, or message that I love her. If I say I met a new woman during the course of my work she immediately asks if I’m sexually attracted to them, fo I want to...,you know...blah blah blah.

Yes immature springs to mind.

[Whitehart]

dOnnivain,

So it's really the lying & the double standard that irks you. Have you shown her the pictures & asked her why she behaves in this manner? Have you told us that the looking alone wouldn't bother you if she acknowledged that she was doing so? Somewhere you both stopped communicating clearly with one another.

She has looked at the photos in a fleeting manner dismissing them immediatley and will not come back to them. There is no discussion, only I have a problem. But its as plain as the nose on my face even without editing the clips.

Edited August 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[mikeylo]

Like I said earlier, this is worse than cheating. I’ve seen couples where both are doing the same stuff , so it doesn’t bother either of them. She ogling men and he ogling women.

 

But situation changes when one is doing and the other is a decent person. And you are in this category unfortunately. Since you mentioned step kids , it’s likely her ex husband was same as her ....

 

Leave. You are suffering and she doesn’t care. You can’t reason with her. One day when she is beyond an age , men — younger , her age and older , are going to run away from her and she will be a desperate old creep. You hold yourself together and get into some therapy and make an exit plan . I’m serious. And yeah, you are not the problem.She is.

[salparadise]

She says when we are out together she feels safe.Maybe because we are together she feels she can act this way for some sexual gratification/stimulation.

 

Of course she's getting something out of it: gratification-stimulation-validation.

 

I turned round to ask something and she and a young guy are sharing a big smile between themselves. I say, 'hey, leave the guy alone', she looks me straight in the face and asks what the hell am I talking about...nothing has happened.Sometimes I feel like I'm starring in Gaslight!!

 

Yup, that's gaslighting, as blatant as it gets.

 

The new info in another post about her fantasies is informative. I think everyone indulges some kind of fantasy world, but hers seems to be oozing across the line between the fantasy and reality. I have no doubt that this is what's happening when she overtly flirts with strangers in your presence. I guess it's possible that she has a strong enough superego to not actually step across the line... but her history of having cheated on her former partner is evidence to the contrary.

 

Here is what you have to accept: you can't change her fundamental predilections. You might be able to get her to moderate overt behaviors somewhat in your presence, but you know how she's going to be carrying on when you're not around to see. Would it feel differently to you if you had more confidence that it's all just fun and games and she'd never act on it?

 

I have no idea if it's possible for you, but what about becoming her accomplice in these titillation games? There are many possibilities if you feel secure enough. Some of the best sex I had with my former girlfriend was after we'd been to a store that I frequent (know the people) and one of the young women engaged me in a flirty way in front of my girlfriend. As we walked out my gf said, "damn, I don't think I've ever felt so jealous." Thirty minutes later we were going at it like a pair of minks. I never got a chance to thank the young woman in the store, but I think I will if I see her again.

 

If I had a girlfriend like your wife, I'd be trying to make lemonade if possible. But I think you have to feel very secure in your relationship to do that, and right now the flirting is having the opposite effect. But this idea is something you can be in control of (to some extent), whereas her being a flirt and a tease is not.

[Whitehart]

You are spot on...her ex was even worse than her. I read up on future faking. It’s her to a tee...I think I’m in a even bigger hole than I realized. But you are correct...her ex was all over the place with other women.

[mikeylo]

You are spot on...her ex was even worse than her. I read up on future faking. It’s her to a tee...I think I’m in a even bigger hole than I realized. But you are correct...her ex was all over the place with other women.

 

Protect yourself.

 

Like Salparadise said, she will be carrying on behind your back , if not in front of you. Can you live with that ? Honestly , I wouldn’t be. I need to know that my partner is carrying my honor with them wherever they are and not having some fun with others when I’m carrying their honor all around.

[stillafool]

OP you must wonder how your wife acts towards men when you aren't present if she acts this way in front of your face. The only way to show her how hurtful this is to you is to give her a large dose of her own medicine. You should start looking at women who are much hotter than her in her presence.