Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over

[malzy]

I needed to log on and reach out to you. Im telling you, there are SO many parallels to our stories. I had space from him for three months after D-day and it allowed me to get some space. Now i was insanely devistated in that time. I lost 30lbs in about two months.

 

Im not promoting it but the hunger that I had hurt and it was nice in a mentally unstable way to feel pain. I think in retrospect it would have been better to do 100 squats, or run 2-3 miles on a tread mill.

 

endorphins do make you happy... Just a little hint that maybe you need to channel some of this in the gym. So hard when you dont even want to get out of bed. I made the choice to stay in bed, recluse style for nearly three months and starve myself. After a bit the crippling heart break lessened and I ate again and gained back 40! so... ten lbs heavier.

 

Work on you, think of this as emotional Triage. Get water, drink, drink drink! Get a bit of protein and punch something, work up a sweat. do that for THREE DAYS in a row and evaluate if you feel even 5% better.

 

Keep us updated. im worried about you, because i have been there. I made a lot of mistakes while I was where you are. But i am still here so I must have done something right. I am 3 years from D-day. i am happy again. I have wonderful kids that love me too, though i also thought they would be better off without me.

 

I have not lost that weight I gained back but i do hit the gym at least 3 times a week. More often 6.... It helps me. I hope it can help you.

[Devistated.]

He keeps wanting to talk about the affair. I don’t at all. I can’t. He also wants to tell our two older boys. I absolutely do not. I don’t want my babies to know I wasn’t good enough. He also suggested I go to counseling not us. Just me because “he’s worried about me “

 

My oldest had been watching almost every move I make, and it’s so uncomfortable.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Devastated, sorry to see you here. Do you have any of your own family folks nearby? Is there someone who can stay with you? If your husband's calls are bothering you then can you block him? I'm not sure that may be the right thing to do as you need a lifeline just in case you are feeling low and want to talk to him to get help. Are there helplines where you can talk to somebody when you are really feeling down? The best thing for you is to try and connect with friends or a church group as being around people will lift your spirits and help you feel better. Try and get out of the house for some fresh air. What about finances? How are you faring on that front? Apart from the fact that you have to make it for your kids they are also your best support and distraction in this period when everything seems gloomy. Why not take them out somewhere so that all of you can enjoy yourselves and help yourself feel better. Also do try and get into IC finances permitting, as it may be of benefit to you at this time. Warm wishes.

[S2B]

Stop blaming yourself!!

 

The blame is only on your husband! He is selfish and self centered. He is broken and you don't need to forgive him! Tell him to stop it!

 

He's ruined everything that was good about your marriage - that is only on him. He's a douche bag. You don't even have to stay with him.

 

His affair is not a reflection on you - it's a reflection of how terrible and mean he is.

 

Be mad! Go see an attorney to see what he will have to pay you if you decide to leave him! Start becoming independent of him! Start becoming a strong woman who frankly doesn't need him at all.

 

Lay out some consequences so it hurts him... after all even kids know there are consequences for bad behavior!

 

Get strong and get moving forward for YOUR best interest!

[S2B]

Also, expose his infidelity to all his family and yours.

 

Who knows how long it could have been happening? Why did he tell now? I do t trust him especially when he says it was because he was bored! It wasn't because he was bored - it's because he wanted an ego stroke and didn't stop to consider how this would affect his whole family!

 

HE is the one who's broken! And HE needs to figure out how to fix himself before you even consider taking him back.

 

Get tested for std's immediately.

[SolG]

He keeps wanting to talk about the affair. I don’t at all. I can’t. He also wants to tell our two older boys. I absolutely do not. I don’t want my babies to know I wasn’t good enough. He also suggested I go to counseling not us. Just me because “he’s worried about me “

 

My oldest had been watching almost every move I make, and it’s so uncomfortable.

 

Devistated, Tell your WS the truth about how you're feeling. Tell him point blank you're in too much pain right now as a result of what he did to talk about it yet. That right now it actually hurts to live. Tell him if he cares, he'll support and love you, and wait for those coversations.

 

If you want counseling with him, tell him to find an infidelity crisis counsellor that will do individual counselling for you individually in the first instance.

 

You really need someone to talk to right now to help you realise that you ARE enough. You always have been, always will be. You can't control others actions by 'being' anything. Their choices, your WS's choices, are not your responsibility or fault.

 

My father used to admonish me as a child if I expressed that I was bored. He said boredom is the manifestation of a lack of imagination and intellect in the individual concerned. That there is always entertainment and excitement - you just have to choose to find it.

 

That your WH was bored is a state of his own making. That he chose diversion with a young AP at a club is soooooo cliche as to cement his lack of imagination. NONE of that is your fault. His boredom was with himself and of his own making. His choice to alleviate it via a fling as opposed to use his brain, creativity, and COURAGE to speak to you about it... not your fault.

 

His actions are a reflection of him, NOT YOU!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don’t want my babies to know I wasn’t good enough.

 

Boys don't think this way about their mamas. What they will not like to see is you not "fighting" for yourself. You not standing up to the man who betrayed you.

[littleblackheart]

Your kids will always want to think the best of both their parents.

 

My exH is an abysmal father and my boy found out he is cheating on his current girfriend with at least one other person (he'd borrowed his mobile phone to check football results and really wasn't expecting to tumble on compromising texts!).

 

He didn't even tell his father, he told me instead! It didn't cross his mind to think badly of his father's gf (he's not even keen on her) and he accepts his father for who he is, that is a man with a lot of weaknesses. My kids don't love him any less, though.

 

When I found out same exH was unfaithful to me, not one second did I think that's because I wasn't good enough. There were completely different sets of circumstances and I was on my way out regardless, but I always knew that was not on me. His moment of weakness is not on you either.

 

I have no doubt what you're going through is excruciatingly painful, but you need to try and put things in perspective : you can't base your own self-worth on one mistake from your husband.

 

These things happen all the time, to very decent people. You are both in emotional turmoil, understandably so, but you need to see this for what it is: a momentary lapse of judgement.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[CatMinx]

He keeps wanting to talk about the affair. I don’t at all. I can’t. He also wants to tell our two older boys. I absolutely do not. I don’t want my babies to know I wasn’t good enough. He also suggested I go to counseling not us. Just me because “he’s worried about me “

 

My oldest had been watching almost every move I make, and it’s so uncomfortable.

 

What actions are you taking to help yourself move past your husbands affair?

 

As someone who lost a parent to suicide, I struggled for years to even move up the emotional ladder to just ok. I’m still struggling. Do you really want to do that to your babies? They can and will blame themselves if you do that. It’s truly one of the most selfish things a person can do.

[JuneL]

OP: Your kids love you very much. Is there any way you can check in a treatment center (for those with suicidal thoughts) and stay away a little while? Talk to people you trust. Get them to visit you.

[Devistated.]

I don’t have anyone I trust enough to talk to about it. He sent me flowers today, and keeps pushing telling our older boys. It really makes me mad. He says our oldest keeps asking if something happened...

 

Today, We go news that our oldest is getting an award for his dedication to his team from the school, so that made me feel a little bit better.

[wmacbride]

I don’t have anyone I trust enough to talk to about it. He sent me flowers today, and keeps pushing telling our older boys. It really makes me mad. He says our oldest keeps asking if something happened...

 

Today, We go news that our oldest is getting an award for his dedication to his team from the school, so that made me feel a little bit better.

 

That's good news about you son.

 

Keep taking it one day at a time. There are so many things to live for,aside of your marriage. Tell your husband you need time to sort through all of this, and that you need to be the one who drives the process.

[Crazelnut]

Omg, do NOT tell your children! What kind of jerk are you married to? That is so wrong.

 

Please go see an individual counselor. For the sake of your children. They need a momma.

[Adotta]

Omg, do NOT tell your children! What kind of jerk are you married to? That is so wrong.

 

Please go see an individual counselor. For the sake of your children. They need a momma.

 

Alot of people here would argue telling the children is needed. It's up for debate really. Sometimes kids deserve to know why thier family is falling apart. It sound like her youngest is already a teen so it's not like they are small children.

[georgia girl]

While your husband is completely in the wrong and you did nothing to cause this, would it be so bad to get counseling for yourself? You have expressed a desire to die and present yourself as very depressed. He dropped a bomb on you very unfairly. Shouldn’t you give yourself every opportunity to heal? This in no way absolves him of any guilt or wrongdoing, but I really feel like you could use some support in real life. A counselor is also required to keep anything you say confidential which ensures your privacy. Tell your husband that you guys need to hold off on any decisions until you are ready to make those decisions.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

While your husband is completely in the wrong and you did nothing to cause this, would it be so bad to get counseling for yourself? You have expressed a desire to die and present yourself as very depressed. He dropped a bomb on you very unfairly. Shouldn’t you give yourself every opportunity to heal? This in no way absolves him of any guilt or wrongdoing, but I really feel like you could use some support in real life. A counselor is also required to keep anything you say confidential which ensures your privacy. Tell your husband that you guys need to hold off on any decisions until you are ready to make those decisions.

 

Yeah, I agree with this. There's no reason that you can't and shouldn't get individual counseling now. It doesn't mean that couples counseling isn't also necessary.

[FMW]

Your boys are your world. You have to get through this for them.

 

A close friend's father committed suicide over 40 years ago. It negatively affects every relationship she's ever had and it is still on her mind every single day, wondering why she wasn't enough for him to stick around. Focus on your love for your sons and do what you need to get better for them. Your husband has destroyed your world and has made you question why you're not enough. Don't destroy your sons' worlds and make them wonder the same thing.

 

Until you're able to do it for yourself, do it for them.

[pheonixrisen]

What exactly is you contemplating taking your life going to accomplish ?

It may be do either one of the 2 things below

Your husband is over ridden with guilt and follows you ..leaving all your children without parents

Or

He is over ridden with guilt tells your children the actions that led to it ...and your boys all 4 of them are never the same again the 3 boys will never forgive their father and the whole family breaks down

 

And this one event dictates the rest of their lives they will never believe they are good enough because their own mother did not think they were as she did not think they were worth your life

 

So where your big girls panties on and deal with it like you would deal with a traumatising event in your life like a healthy adult .we handed in our selfish card when we became mother's ...his affair was unfair you wanting to take your life for it is even more unfair and worst because their are young children involved

 

I have been where you are at now... 6 years ago dh had a affair with a bar dancer ,embarrassing would be too light a word , I felt humiliated but I did not think it was because something was lacking in me

Or it was my fault .these were his short comings ,his actions that I did not have any control over .

 

You are grieving hopefully soon anger will set in where you will place the blame exactly where it belongs .there is no need for you to be a matyr

 

You need to figure out and reevaluate your marriage ...are you able to stay in this marriage knowing what he has done what he is capable of

.he is showing remorse .showing he wants to be better are you afraid you may not like him anymore now that he is knocked of the pedestal you put him on .figure it out and then take steps in direction you believe will be best for you .....wanting to take your life is not the answer that's just another selfish coward act .

This is just a start the road gets very bumpy and reconciliation is tough 6 years later I still have dark moments but I am able to handle them better

 

Draw a circle on a plain paper .that's your whole life ..then draw a dot in the circle that's your husband affair .you can focus on the dot till it becomes bigger and bigger and takes over your whole life or you focus on your whole life and leave the dot as it is .

 

Your choice .your family .you decide if you are going to break them further or you are going to hold it together for your children .

I promise you this ...it gets better but before it gets better it gets a lot worse ...I am 6 years in reconciliation the marriage as we knew it is over .where we are currently is better than what we had .

 

And like a responsible adult tell your husband what you are contemplating .

[JuneL]

I’m no expert in this area. However, I did do some homework when a good friend talked about wanting to give up some years back (in my friend’s case, though, it turned out she was acting out like some entitled kid trying to get more attention). My understanding is that when someone truly has suicidal thoughts, she feels extremely depressed and isolated; she doesn’t think rationally. According to the experts, it’s no use telling her how selfish, weak, and cowardly her action is; the same goes for telling her there are plenty of others in a much worse situation. Instead, it’s much more effective to tell her that she is loved; it’s also important for her to feel connected by others. I think her posting on here is a good first step, but she needs to be convinced to see a qualified therapist and talk to those (close relatives or close friends) she trusts.

Edited March 8, 2018 by JuneL

[IndigoNight]

Devistated, I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I know, from personal experience, that in the darkest of times that it feels impossible to see an end to your pain, and suicide seems like the only way for the pain to stop. It isn't.

 

Your husband cheated on you. It sucks! He did one of the most heartless and selfish things a spouse can do to their partner, and right now you are consumed with pain; understandably so. You blame yourself for something that is not your fault. His infidelity is not a reflection of you being a bad wife, or mother. No, it shows how weak and selfish he is. Don't let his weakness, and his failure, push you into a decision that you cannot take back.

 

Your husband has broken your heart, and has taken so much away from you already. Don't let him take your life, by your own hand, as well. He isn't worth it! Keep reminding yourself what a wonderful, and loving mother you have been. Look at your children, if you need proof! They still need you, and you need them.

 

You may not believe it, but the pain will stop consuming your every thought. It won't happen overnight, and it won't be easy, but it will fade over time, until it is nothing more than a memory. The first step in mending a broken heart is to reach out for help. You have done that by posting here. You have been given a lot of good advice, and support from people who care, and many who have been in a similar situation as yours. The next step is to decide not to let your broken heart destroy you. Seek out a therapist, support group, keep posting on LS for moral support. Whatever it takes to help remind you that you can get past this. As each day passes, you are that much closer to a mended heart,

 

You have the potential for a happy, and love-filled future, even if you don't believe it right now. You have so much to live for still. One of the most rewarding things about being a parent is when your children have grown into happy, and successful adults. When they start a family of their own, they will look to you for guidance. Your reward will be holding your grandchild, seeing their sweet smile, and hearing their infectious laughter.

 

Be kind to yourself. Take each day, moment by moment, and step by step. Most of all, allow people to help you heal as you move forwards toward your future.

[georgia girl]

Devistated,

 

Thinking of you. Have you gone to see a counselor yet? Hoping you have someone all your own to talk to. Someone with whom you can unburden yourself and get insights on how to heal.

 

One thing to note, while it’s too soon to think about forgiving your husband, I do think you also need to know that there is life after infidelity and someone who has capacity to love may experience dark times, but he or she always experiences the warm sunshine of love again. Maybe you and your husband will choose to reconcile, maybe you will divorce and find a new love or maybe you will be single but have a self-love the emanates brighter than any couple’s love.

 

My mom experienced my Dad’s infidelity and on paper we were the perfect family. After years of absolute hell, somehow my mom and dad reconciled. They lived out the remainder of his life together and he truly made it up to her. But you know what? After my dad’s death, we all worried about how Mom would handle being single. I was convinced that the only reason she didn’t divorce was because she didn’t want to be single. Instead, she has absolutely shined as a widow. It took her some time, but she now has a close group of friends, she’s very involved in her grandkids’ and kids’ lives and she is literally loving life. My sister actually asked her about it one day. Her response? My dad couldn’t handle divorce so she stuck it out. Eventually, he woke up and realized not just what a jerk he had been but how amazingly selfless she was to stick with him. That, she said, made their last year’s together pretty amazing. When he was able to love her unconditionally like that, she grew to love him back in a new and different way. She thoroughly enjoyed their final years and now she has peace and the time for her to enjoy being on her own.

 

My mom is my inspiration in life. I tell her story to help her be yours. Please be kind to yourself and your boys. Hugs!

[Ahurtgirl]

Absolutely none! If you let this be o.k if you let him get away with it without him having to win you back he will not respect what he has.

 

I say start drawing up divorce papers ( you don't have to pull the trigger just scare him at least.) Do the 180. Work on yourself. Don't break weep and cry. Don't cling. Let him do the begging. Go get a tan. Go jogging. Spend time with your kids or friends.

 

When he comes to beg don't let him skate with answers like because I was bored. Dig into him. Ask him the questions that will make him uncomfortable. Grill him. Raid his email and texts. If he doesn't like it....... to ****ing bad.... divorce. He has to work with YOU and your rules. The only time reconciliation seems to work on these forums is when the WS does the heavy lifting.

 

Keep a voice recorder on you if he starts saying or doing crazy or mean things. Catch his trickle truth and punish accordingly. He has to tell you the truth. If you have to drag every tiny little bit of the truth out of him with new evidence every time it means he thinks he can skate. You have to be willing to throw the marraige away for real and he has to be afraid of that.

 

Don't use your kids as weapons against him but they should know. Tell his parents or siblings and your family. The big reveal can do alot to kill any afair in its tracks. Exposure is key as alot of people on these forums say.

 

Keep your head up and don't let this break you. It's not you. You didn't fail anyone. You where a good mother and a loyal wife. Many men would kill for that. This is on your husband. HE is the one who messed up. He is the one who acted like a frat bro. He is the one who thinks ****ing a twenty year old is cool. your husband is going to have to grow and change and it will have to be more then just words.

 

And in the end you will have to decide if you want him back. You don't really NEED him. I'm sure alimony would take care of you. This will be a journey and only if HIM AND YOU truly want it can you reconcile. Even then it will take years. There will be days years from now that you think about him and wonder. Can you live with that?

 

I would also recomend an individual councilor and possibly mc but only if he shows he wants to put the work in. He has to prove he is changing. That he can be trusted again. Not now but slowly one day maybe. And you have to come to understand weather you want to continue this marraige. It will be hard. Some days you will want to forget everything and some days you will want to run and others you will hate him. You will blame yourself , him , you name it. Your emotions will be all over the board.

 

Just remember this is not your fualt! Even if there where fualts of your own in the marriage that should have been worked on that doesn't give him the right to cheat. Depending on the kind of person you are your path may be very different to others. Just don't let yourself be fooled and taken for a ride again. Call him on his bull****! Even if you end up losing this marraige do it with poise and dignity.

 

 

Edit

 

Also listen to the people on this board. Alot of them have come here like you at one point or another. This is a great board. Somtimes people will say things you don't want to hear but a lot of the time those answers help the most. There are a ton of good people her from all walks of life. Use thier knowledge and experience but don't expect one magical answer that will set everything straight.

 

Doing the 180 only makes him get better at hiding future affairs. He'll do what he needs to in order to save the marriage and continue to carry on the affair or start a new affair once he feels he's won you back. I know this because I was involved with a MM and his wife did draw up divorce papers and he did win her back. However he is having an affair again. He has also been back in contact with me. I have no desire to be involved with him but am learning from him the method he used to win his wife back (she thinks he's completely devoted to her again and it's all lies). This guy wasn't the type to cheat but now that he started, the saying once a cheater, always a cheater is 100% correct. You just need to decide if you can accept that from here on out, he will at some point cheat on you again. Just might be a couple years down the road or he might still be cheating but you'll never find out again. They get better at hiding it. I wish this wasn't how it goes but usually this is what is happening. The wife fully believes she has searched every possible inch of ways he might still be having an affair and when he seemingly comes out clean, she believes he's changed and really is being true to her but that's usually not what is really going on. A leopard doesn't change his spots.

[Ahurtgirl]

Sorry but your taking his affair way to personally. It absolutely wasn't you that causes him to be a cheater. He's not worth being suicidal over. Why would you give him that power. You sound like a very kind and loving individual. You deserve someone much better than him. He might have been your knight and shining armor for the past 20 years but you need to realize he's changed. He will never be the faithful husband he once was. There was nothing you have done to cause this. There are studies that have been conducted that show physical traits are actual a common cause of why some mean cheat and others don't. It's nothing you did. He probably carries the gene that makes him more susceptible to being a cheater.

[wmacbride]

Sorry but your taking his affair way to personally. It absolutely wasn't you that causes him to be a cheater. He's not worth being suicidal over. Why would you give him that power. You sound like a very kind and loving individual. You deserve someone much better than him. He might have been your knight and shining armor for the past 20 years but you need to realize he's changed. He will never be the faithful husband he once was. There was nothing you have done to cause this. There are studies that have been conducted that show physical traits are actual a common cause of why some mean cheat and others don't. It's nothing you did. He probably carries the gene that makes him more susceptible to being a cheater.

 

Sorry, but in my opinion, this is bunk.

 

People are responsible for their choices. the op's spouse made the choices he did. Whether or not he feels true remorse and will never do it again, or whether he is just trying to cover his rear, is, right now, known to him alone.

 

OP, right now, just worry about you and you children. Do what you need to do to feel better and like you have some control over your situation. this is why so many who have been in a bs's shoes recommend speaking to a lawyer. It doesn't automatically mean divorce, but it does mean that the bs will have knowledge to make better decisions.

 

Abut the 180...it is not meant as a tool to win back a cheating spouse. It's meant to be a tool for the bs to gain some sense of control and balance over their life. If the ws wants to come along for the ride, and the bs is willing, great. If not, it should still be implemented.