Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over

[BTDT2012]

The reason I didn’t go through with it the other day is because I knew my little boy would be the first one home and that my husband and other sons wouldn’t be there until later, and I didn’t want him to find me.

 

I don’t want to talk to anyone about it in my own life because I’m embarrassed. The fact I’m not enough just breaks my heart. I can barely look in the mirror.

 

This has absolutely nothing to do with you being 'enough'. Stop telling yourself this. The failure is his, not yours. I understand the feelings of failure and embarrassment whehinks you have that 'perfect marriage'. You really need to seek professional help.

[Starswillshine]

I got the impression the OP is embarrassed that their seemingly picture perfect marriage in people’s eyes has been shattered. Please see a therapist for yourself first.

 

This is the second posts to sorta hint at something like this. When a woman finds out her husband has been having an affair, all sorts of different emotions go through her mind. I love it when people come here to judge the victim though....

[sandylee1]

So he probably felt guilty when you were telling him how perfect he is.

 

My question still stands...what happens when he gets bored next time? Because we all get bored in relationships at times. That's life.

 

Why didn't he do something to combat his boredom like take up a new hobby or sport.

 

Where does the answer to boredom become ...I'm going to have an affair.

 

I find that response very infuriating on your behalf.

So in order to keep him faithful are you meant to become the comedy central channel and keep him entertained or what.

 

It's such a very immature reason to have an affair.

[Devistated.]

According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasn’t been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, he’s been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

 

I’m not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. I’m embarrassed that I’m Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something I’ve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...

[BluesPower]

According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasn’t been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, he’s been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

 

I’m not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. I’m embarrassed that I’m Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something I’ve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...

 

I understand that you feel this way...but you simply have to stop this negative self talk.

 

Everyone fees that way and nothing could be farther from the truth. It actually had not one thing to do with you.

 

It is not (check the following boxes):

1) you are not pretty enough...Nope.

2) you are not sexy enough...Nope.

3) you are not young enough...Def nope on this one.

4) you are not good enough in bed...Nope again.

 

It actually has absolutely nothing to do with you. And not to be sexist, but he is a guy, he saw a chance to get some strange, and he went for it.

 

That is exactly what it was, and I "think" now he knows he was a fool.

 

But, you cannot let him off the hook with this thing. He has to help you heal and earn your trust back or you get to go find a man that will treat you properly...

 

Are you listening????

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasn’t been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, he’s been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

 

I’m not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. I’m embarrassed that I’m Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something I’ve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...

 

Dev,

 

This is such a common and understandable way to feel, but it is really faulty thinking. Your brain is betraying you by sending you this message. If anyone is "not enough" it is your husband. He's not enough of a good husband to resist the ego boost most men would find tempting, regardless of how amazing their wife at home is. This was about your husband and his ego getting stroked, and that's all it was about. I know it's hard for you to believe and feel right now, but this just has nothing to do with you and your worth at all.

[RecentChange]

Cheating isn't caused by failures of the betrayed, it is caused by moral failings of the cheater.

 

I have cheated, I know. There are ALWAYS other other options besides being a selfish lying jerk and cheating.

 

Get Linda MacDonald's guide to infidelity. This is is going to be the guide for HIM to try to make this up to you.

 

HE IS THE FAILURE here. He is the one that needs to be ashamed. He is the one without morals or self control. He is the one who has let you, your family, and his reputation down.

 

He should be on his knees begging you for forgiveness.

 

Begging!

[CardsFan01]

Cheating isn't caused by failures of the betrayed, it is caused by moral failings of the cheater.

 

I have cheated, I know. There are ALWAYS other other options besides being a selfish lying jerk and cheating.

 

Get Linda MacDonald's guide to infidelity. This is is going to be the guide for HIM to try to make this up to you.

 

HE IS THE FAILURE here. He is the one that needs to be ashamed. He is the one without morals or self control. He is the one who has let you, your family, and his reputation down.

 

He should be on his knees begging you for forgiveness.

 

Begging!

 

I agree. I too have cheated, and none of it was her fault. There is nothing she could have done differently to change it. He didn’t do it because he thought she was better. He did it because she was different.

[road]

According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasn’t been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, he’s been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

 

I’m not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. I’m embarrassed that I’m Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something I’ve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...

 

WS's do not have affair because their BS is lacking. The defect is in

the WS

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree. I too have cheated, and none of it was her fault. There is nothing she could have done differently to change it. He didn’t do it because he thought she was better. He did it because she was different.

 

Yes, this. And all humans are susceptible to the temptation if the offer is presented to them. He was curious and isn't strong enough to have resisted the temptation of something different. It sounds like he actually has discovered it definitely was NOT better.

[CardsFan01]

Yes, this. And all humans are susceptible to the temptation if the offer is presented to them. He was curious and isn't strong enough to have resisted the temptation of something different. It sounds like he actually has discovered it definitely was NOT better.

 

As with most things, it normally doesn’t take long to realize the grass usually isn’t greener.

 

I do think one partner can do, or not do, things that will lead someone to cheating. But that doesn’t sound like the case here.

[malzy]

Hey,

 

I was like you are. My husband was so smart, handsome, loving.... I tried so hard to be perfect, to listen, to share, to give.... After seven years of me thinking the sun shined out his ass he cheated on me.

 

I had given him sex DAILY, home cooked meal (nearly daily)... He did need to hunt for his clean laundry because I would often neglect foulding the laundry... (My bad!)

 

I was adventurous in the bedroom, he likes BDSM, I don't love it but i would do it for him...

 

When i found out that he wanted to divorce me I had just had a baby, a baby he CHOSE to have with me while he was dreaming of a day when he could divorce me. Because i was so terrible, boring, and well I had gotten old to him.

 

When I found out I was a mother of three young sons under the age of SIX, had not been employed for about 6 years at the time and had no real good work prospects....I was qualified to work at SUBWAY....that was about it.

 

Look, when I found out I tore into myself. I too wanted to commit suicide, so i laid out a plan for six months. It gave me something tangible... Committing suicide was my desperate action to get control again. Maybe a do over life! But what my plan gave me was control. I planned my death for far enough out that it would hopefully give me peace. What i ended up doing was by the time six months had passed I wanted to live. I wanted to not have his affair define the last and final act in life. I WANTED MY LIFE FOR ME!

 

You and me, we were codependent on our spouse to give us value.... When my husband cheated he devalued my worth! But I found in those six months that it wasn't true. I needed to value myself without him.

 

My advice for you is this, first get a counselor (in the end this may give you some peace even if you follow through)

Give yourself time, (time to think this through) give yourself 6 mts, or a year... But in that time work on bringing yourself up! Don't want to be a tortured spirit in the next life right?

 

You may find that you have done the work on yourself and that you are strong!

 

I personally hope you can try to pull yourself from your husband right now and find your feet without him....

 

but only you can decide what your next actions are.

[Devistated.]

All three of my boys have been being so affectionate to me. My seventeen year old has been hugging me and telling me he loves me and my fourteen year old keeps want to put his arm around me. Since they hit their teens they stopped loving on me like my little one does. So I don’t know if they’ve noticed something has happened or what, but it’s making me feel a little better.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

All three of my boys have been being so affectionate to me. My seventeen year old has been hugging me and telling me he loves me and my fourteen year old keeps want to put his arm around me. Since they hit their teens they stopped loving on me like my little one does. So I don’t know if they’ve noticed something has happened or what, but it’s making me feel a little better.

 

Kids hate seeing their parents hurting, and I am sure they notice you're not yourself. My 17 year old daughter caught me crying in my office tonight and she wouldn't let me go once she started hugging me.

 

Your kids sound like great kids who LOVE you VERY much. And need you probably more than you even realize.

[Adotta]

According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasn’t been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, he’s been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

 

I’m not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. I’m embarrassed that I’m Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something I’ve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...

 

People are attracted to other people all the time. Just because he found this girl atractive does not mean he does not value your beauty. all it means is he had poor controll of his impulses and low morals.

 

Stop blaming yourself. That's the biggest thing. I know. I know. I really do. I deal with a different type of self blame but I understand. IT'S NOT HEALTHY.

Heck I've even gained and lost nearly 90 pounds in the last 10 years so I've even dealt with body image issues.

 

Please don't kill yourself. Your children need you. I never got to have a good mother. I know how important that is for a kid. For anyone really. A good mother like you is worth her wieght in diamond crusted platinum. Every time your thoughts slip down those roads just STOP. Go do somthing. Call somone. Occupy yourself. These emotions will not last forever. You have to wait this out a bit. Your at ground zero of this disaster right now. The fumes are still choking you and you're staggering. You're in no condition to make a great choice. The more time passes the more things will come into focus.

 

The whole thing with him blowing up over your gushing for an actor is pure projection. Don't try to read into that to much. People in an affair are never truly sane. They project the type of people they are onto thier spouse.

 

What steps are you taking moving foward? I would recomend you make a plan of some sort and give yourself a time frame. Let's say 6 months to make a decision. You need to calm down. You need to distance yourself from this. Time and talking with a councilor will help. don't let your husband rush you through this. He will want this to be over fast. He's feeling alot of shame right now. You shouldn't care to much about his shame. His remorse is what you need. And remorse can only be proven with time.

 

 

Do you have a sister or friend you trust to lean on? You need a human being to lean on.

 

Get into counciling like NOW.

 

Honestly these thoughts of suicide should be a bigger concern then your husband right now. That ******* will still be there 6 months from now waiting for you to forgive him. I can promise that. Us men have had it drilled into us that divorce is the boogie man. He thinks you have him by the balls and you do. Unless he hates you he isn't going anywhere.

[JuneL]

I’m not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. I’m embarrassed that I’m Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something I’ve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...

 

My sincere apologies for misunderstanding your source of embarrassment. I just thought that, at this stage, it’s extremely important to be able to share with those you trust instead of isolating yourself. Are you close to your mother or sister(s)? Do you have a best female friend to confide in? At the very least, get into individual therapy. Please don’t let your embarrassment stand in your way.

[Adotta]

Please keep us updated op. I'm very worried for you. I keep thinking about you and wondering if your safe. Please don't hurt yourself. It solves nothing.

[mickan]

Some people are treated absolutely terribly by their spouses. they stay or they leave,.....but they would never have an affair.

 

Not true with your Husband.

HIs actions are independent of you. His choice, but shared consequences.

 

The reason you feel it is all your fault is that marriage is the building of a co-"self"

the two become one flesh (if you are religious). "they have my back" " my partner, other half" (if you are not).

 

Half of you has been ripped away and that means you question the rest of your broken and bleeding self. This is a very normal and insightful reaction. You are not alone in this.

 

You are not who you thought you were because your husband is not what you thought he was. Your husband is not what HE thought he was.

 

So where too now?

I share your pain. Im further down the track than you.

 

Firstly recognise you are impaired right now. it will take time to heal and the only way is facing thru pain and managing emotion with respect and love for yourself first.

 

Be kind and be gentle and tread softly with yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve and self care. Put all decisions on hold without shame or urgency.

 

be confident than when the time comes you will recognise the way forward but for now let confusion, grief and loss have space. They will not always be with you although you will wonder if they will ever leave. They will.

 

Recognise and be grateful for small things. Your sons sticky hair when he hugs you. Butter melting on toast. Slow life down until you can pick up the threads of it again. You have the right to use the small miracles of your world to re-orientate yourself to the new person you are and the new life you have suddenly had thrust upon you without your consent or knowledge.

 

The old life is gone. You are right in your title. The world has ended that you were in. New beginnings are painful. Take care of yourself, Your teenage sons hugs are a reason to keep going for now. You will find more.

[Adotta]

Devastated you there? Please update even if just to tell us your still safe. Your not alone. There is so much more to life then this one man. Even if you reconcile with your husband my hope is that you start living for you. You put so much of yourself into your family maybe you lost track of who you are.

[Devistated.]

I’m still here, but I don’t know for how much longer. I’m trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and I’m so sad.

 

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I don’t want to hear it. I can’t. I can’t handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasn’t.

 

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. He’s a funny guy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’m still here, but I don’t know for how much longer. I’m trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and I’m so sad.

 

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I don’t want to hear it. I can’t. I can’t handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasn’t.

 

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. He’s a funny guy.

 

It doesn't sound like your husband needs to be doing what YOU need him to be doing at all .

[BluesPower]

I’m still here, but I don’t know for how much longer. I’m trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and I’m so sad.

 

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I don’t want to hear it. I can’t. I can’t handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasn’t.

 

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. He’s a funny guy.

 

Listen... if it is this bad, then you need to get yourself to the hospital.

 

If you are still thinking about hurting yourself, then you need to be under a doctors care.

 

Please do this for your kids if not your self...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Listen... if it is this bad, then you need to get yourself to the hospital.

 

If you are still thinking about hurting yourself, then you need to be under a doctors care.

 

Please do this for your kids if not your self...

 

I totally agree. Your feelings are valid, OP, but don't make a permanent decision for what is a temporary problem (even though you don't believe us now).

[wmacbride]

I’m still here, but I don’t know for how much longer. I’m trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and I’m so sad.

 

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I don’t want to hear it. I can’t. I can’t handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasn’t.

 

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. He’s a funny guy.

 

OP,

please call for professional help. don't be embarrassed or ashamed. you have been hit by something terrible, and there is no shame in reaching out for help. If you won't see a medical professional, reach out to your friends.

 

I know you might not believe me, but your true friends will understand and want to help. they won't judge you. I was in your shoes many years ago, too embarrassed to ask for help. My good friend called me, and finally got out what ws wrong. She and another good friend were over to pick me up a within a short time. It felt so good to be able to actually talk to someone, in person, about what had happened.

 

They convinced me to speak to a counselor on our base( an army padre, and I'm agnostic). He was really helpful and provided a lot of grounding. The same can happen for you with a doctor, counselor, clergyman/woman or even an in person phone help line.

 

Please, if you won't do this for yourself, do it for your kids. They need you.

[Adotta]

I’m still here, but I don’t know for how much longer. I’m trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and I’m so sad.

 

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I don’t want to hear it. I can’t. I can’t handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasn’t.

 

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. He’s a funny guy.

 

Please don't talk like that. How would your boys feel without thier mother. I know your whole life seems like a joke right now. You need to talk to a councilor. Please. Take some time for yourself. DO NOT BE ALONE.

 

You need to scream at your husband. Tell him to back off because he is NOT making this better.

 

How could it be better if he found a new girl and you where gone??? So someone else gets to raise your kids? do you think she will care for your kids like you do? What will they learn from that? Stop thinking like this please please please! Your children will be damaged for life if you do this. There is still happiness to be had. You just can't see it right now.

 

Your at the weakest point of your life. You need to find the strength to reach out to someone.

 

Shame can be the worst emotion to deal with. I'm dealing with truck loads of shame myself. You need to power through. You need help as well.

Edited March 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T