Have you ever experienced a blindsided break up like this? **Updated**

[Lovezen_30]

He probably didn't move all that fast. You're probably right that it started before you two broke up. He most likely couldn't handle the LDR, at least that's my guess. It takes quite a bit of maturity to make an LDR work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is what bothers me. Before the LDR he said he felt sure he could weather the 8/9 months. During times when I felt down and found it difficult, he lifted me up and assured me it would all work out.

 

 

So what changed 5 months in? We talked about how our great grandparents and grandparents had spent longer apart during the wars...writing letters etc. Actually at one time I struggled with an attraction to a co worker, but I got myself back on track because I loved him and knew being apart was temporary. This wasn't easy but I was committed to him.

 

 

In the weeks before the break up he said he found himself missing me more than usual. I asked why he thought that was and he replied 'I don't know.' I had had those moments too, they were hard, but LDR was always going to be tough and I honestly thought we'd be ok. I still can't believe he just tossed me aside when it was a temporary situation.

[preraph]

His mental issues he needed to sort out was just what he felt like telling you. Of course, he's been interested in or seeing this woman before he broke off with you. This is why LDRs don't work out. Men like what's in front of them and can't seem to focus on someone who isn't.

[Lovezen_30]

His mental issues he needed to sort out was just what he felt like telling you. Of course, he's been interested in or seeing this woman before he broke off with you. This is why LDRs don't work out. Men like what's in front of them and can't seem to focus on someone who isn't.

 

 

 

Before the LDR I felt encouraged by a friend's situation. She went travelling for 7 months and he waited - now she is back and they are more in love than ever it seems.

 

 

I mean, it was LDR, but we were spending 2-3 days together every month (sometimes even a week). Surely that should have been enough for the short period?

 

 

I'm trying desperately not to let my self esteem take too much of a hit because I think the fact is: she was there and that's it. So much for love and wanting someone for their uniqueness and particular qualities?? That you can just trade them in for another in a second.

[preraph]

Yes, they will just trade you in. Also, get some perspective on this. It's also true that if he had been in town and you'd been dating this whole time, your relationship would have run its course by now. If you're trusting or naive, then sometimes an LDR, it's easy to assume they're being faithful because they're not around doing things to send up red flags or standing you up or acting bored. But it's just a fact that most guys are never going to be faithful to someone who doesn't live near them. They're not all that inclined to only see one woman anyway, so if they get in a situation they can't get caught, chances are if they get an opportunity they are going to take it. Not all guys are that big on monogamy and/or commitment to begin with. They may reach a time when they are tired of playing the field or give up on finding better, but there's a lot of years where if they could make the rules, they'd have women sitting around waiting faithfully for them while they went out and recruited more -- and I think you just found that out about yours.

[Lovezen_30]

Yes, they will just trade you in. Also, get some perspective on this. It's also true that if he had been in town and you'd been dating this whole time, your relationship would have run its course by now. If you're trusting or naive, then sometimes an LDR, it's easy to assume they're being faithful because they're not around doing things to send up red flags or standing you up or acting bored. But it's just a fact that most guys are never going to be faithful to someone who doesn't live near them. They're not all that inclined to only see one woman anyway, so if they get in a situation they can't get caught, chances are if they get an opportunity they are going to take it. Not all guys are that big on monogamy and/or commitment to begin with. They may reach a time when they are tired of playing the field or give up on finding better, but there's a lot of years where if they could make the rules, they'd have women sitting around waiting faithfully for them while they went out and recruited more -- and I think you just found that out about yours.

 

Well that would be fine if it wasn't for the fact HE said he wanted us to remain monogamous because he didn't think we could come back from being with other people and continue on as before.

 

He told me he was committed to me as his partner and I felt the same. People that are not monogamous should be with people who are, or pretend to be something they are not.

[snowboy91]

It's likely that once he stepped back from you and went long distance, he might have realised things about the relationship with you that didn't sit well with him. He didn't want to tell you over text or a call, so he led you on and in the meantime ended up monkey branching.

 

Or, he's been ready to leave for much longer but is great at putting on an act. Either way it's a really bad move on his part, and did you wrong by not speaking up about it sooner.

[Noproblem]

He is a cheater, a loser, a mean person with low self-esteem and ego complex , more over he is a jealous person

 

You are 100% better off without him!

 

 

Just count your blessing, be super happy you got rid of this cheater and liar and move the heck on!

 

Many men can't deal with women who are more intelligent than them, they always want to be in the lead, when that does not happen, they either cheat or leave or both!

So you dodged a bullet!

 

You will forget this pain in no time!

 

Hell, he does not even deserve your tears!

 

Enjoy your time, go party with your friends or something!

 

and don't forget to block him and his friends from your social media

your life

your phone

 

 

your everything!

[Lovezen_30]

It's likely that once he stepped back from you and went long distance, he might have realised things about the relationship with you that didn't sit well with him. He didn't want to tell you over text or a call, so he led you on and in the meantime ended up monkey branching.

 

Or, he's been ready to leave for much longer but is great at putting on an act. Either way it's a really bad move on his part, and did you wrong by not speaking up about it sooner.

 

snowboy91 - I think what happened is this: just before I left, I discovered he was having an emotional affair with two women. He broke down and blamed the fact he wasn't coping with me leaving for 9 months. He said he was insecure, needed validation from women and needed to see a counsellor to overcome this. I think, to his surprise, I agreed if the issue was this serious he should see a counsellor.

 

I don't think he wanted to put the emotional work in. He just wants to have fun and not have to think too hard about himself or the way he treats people.

 

Either way, he never communicated to me about anything. A month before the break up he told me he was happy and that if ever anything come up, he'd talk to me about it. So much for that.

[snowboy91]

snowboy91 - I think what happened is this: just before I left, I discovered he was having an emotional affair with two women. He broke down and blamed the fact he wasn't coping with me leaving for 9 months. He said he was insecure, needed validation from women and needed to see a counsellor to overcome this. I think, to his surprise, I agreed if the issue was this serious he should see a counsellor.

 

I don't think he wanted to put the emotional work in. He just wants to have fun and not have to think too hard about himself or the way he treats people.

 

Either way, he never communicated to me about anything. A month before the break up he told me he was happy and that if ever anything come up, he'd talk to me about it. So much for that.

 

Ahh I didn't realise it was you who went away, not him. My bad.

 

I think part of my point still stands though - when he did communicate about his feelings, he really just told you what he thought you wanted to hear. But if you say he didn't really communicate much, that's even worse - he was hiding this from you.

 

Again, an awful move on his part - I'd be happy to be rid of him. Time to heal and move on - best wishes.

[PRW]

Just curious, but when you first got together did he have someone he was seeing and didn't drop her till after he was seeing you? Just wondering if it was a pattern with him.

[mortensorchid]

You sound like me many years ago. I was with someone in LDR and he was a whiny, cowardly, depressed, guilt ridden, ignorant fool. Just like this guy was/is. Chances are he was out playing the field and was not 100% committed to you, and he met a woman before the break up moment. And this woman probably knew something about you, told him she wanted a commitment out of him, and he agreed and dumped you. He has no "mental health issues", he wants what he wants, realizes he has the upper hand, and hurt you because that was the easiest thing to do - which was to take the coward's way out.

 

The man's a coward. You're better off. You hurt now, but you'll be okay down the road. I've had tons of lovers since that tale noted above, and I am HAPPY. You will be too. I promise you.

[preraph]

Well that would be fine if it wasn't for the fact HE said he wanted us to remain monogamous because he didn't think we could come back from being with other people and continue on as before.

 

He told me he was committed to me as his partner and I felt the same. People that are not monogamous should be with people who are, or pretend to be something they are not.

 

And maybe he meant it at the time. But whether he's cheating or not, he'd want YOU to remain monogamous. So he either changed his mind or he outright lied to keep you waiting. It totally sucks. I feel terribly bad for you. You had good intentions. You believed and trusted him. He didn't deserve you.

[Agonistes]

His mental issues he needed to sort out was just what he felt like telling you. Of course, he's been interested in or seeing this woman before he broke off with you. This is why LDRs don't work out. Men like what's in front of them and can't seem to focus on someone who isn't.

 

I hate to admit this but it's true. At least for me. Every time I have ever cheated it has been during a LDR. I start feeling disconnected and maybe we have a fight or something. Unfortunately, it seems I always have someone interested in me just waiting for trouble in paradise. When I am angry and disconnected and my gf does not seem to care about my feelings I find it fairly easy to stir in someone else's juices instead of my own. After a short while I come to my senses, end the "affair" and kick myself for not having any integrity. I probably cheated on one long distance partner with five different women during a one year separation before actually breaking up with her because I found someone better. Yes. Monkey branching. Despicable.

 

When the relationship is not LDR I seem to be able to resolve issues face to face and do some relationship repair that isn't really possible for me long distance.

[Lovezen_30]

I hate to admit this but it's true. At least for me. Every time I have ever cheated it has been during a LDR. I start feeling disconnected and maybe we have a fight or something. Unfortunately, it seems I always have someone interested in me just waiting for trouble in paradise. When I am angry and disconnected and my gf does not seem to care about my feelings I find it fairly easy to stir in someone else's juices instead of my own. After a short while I come to my senses, end the "affair" and kick myself for not having any integrity. I probably cheated on one long distance partner with five different women during a one year separation before actually breaking up with her because I found someone better. Yes. Monkey branching. Despicable.

 

When the relationship is not LDR I seem to be able to resolve issues face to face and do some relationship repair that isn't really possible for me long distance.

 

It is despiscable because its 100% selfish.

 

But the problem I face now is the guilt I feel for making the relationship LDR. We made the decision together, because he didn't want me to be resentful about missing the opportunity. At Christmas we said we'd re-evaluate and he said he was 'happy' and that if anything changed he'd talk to me about it. How was I to know?

 

I have grown a lot as a person and as a teacher this past year. But I also think, I did it at the expense of my relationship. Having said that, I think he is probably a habitual liar no matter what.

[Lovezen_30]

You sound like me many years ago. I was with someone in LDR and he was a whiny, cowardly, depressed, guilt ridden, ignorant fool. Just like this guy was/is. Chances are he was out playing the field and was not 100% committed to you, and he met a woman before the break up moment. And this woman probably knew something about you, told him she wanted a commitment out of him, and he agreed and dumped you. He has no "mental health issues", he wants what he wants, realizes he has the upper hand, and hurt you because that was the easiest thing to do - which was to take the coward's way out.

 

The man's a coward. You're better off. You hurt now, but you'll be okay down the road. I've had tons of lovers since that tale noted above, and I am HAPPY. You will be too. I promise you.

 

It's good to hear from someone who has been through this. It makes me angry because he constantly re-affirmed his commitment. 'You know much I love you don't know you?' he said a few days before breaking up! We had plans to move in together this Summer. In keeping this up, then pulling the rug from under me, he really eff'ed me over.

 

I've had performance problems at work (which is improving now thankfully), digestive issues, feelings of worthlessness, extreme sadness - and here he is out having the time of his life with the person he left me for. It seems so unfair that he gets off so easily.

 

But you give me hope - I am a bit fearful of meeting a liar n the future though. I think it might make me a bit gun-shy for a while.

[ExpatInItaly]

snowboy91 - I think what happened is this: just before I left, I discovered he was having an emotional affair with two women. He broke down and blamed the fact he wasn't coping with me leaving for 9 months. He said he was insecure, needed validation from women and needed to see a counsellor to overcome this. I think, to his surprise, I agreed if the issue was this serious he should see a counsellor.

 

I don't think he wanted to put the emotional work in. He just wants to have fun and not have to think too hard about himself or the way he treats people.

 

Either way, he never communicated to me about anything. A month before the break up he told me he was happy and that if ever anything come up, he'd talk to me about it. So much for that.

 

So there's a history of this.

 

He hasn't been committed for a while, OP. People who love you don't have emotional affairs for any reason. They open up and communicate with you.

 

Unfortunately, you cannot trust someone who steps outside the relationship while you there to not do it again when you are far away. He's not boyfriend material and hasn't been even since before you left.

[kendahke]

How the hell could he move on to a new relationship so fast?

 

You answered your own question earlier in your post:

 

it looks like he started this before we split up.

 

He's already gone through the gamut of emotion surrounding breaking up with you. That's why it looks like he moved on so fast. He was over the grieving, probably while you two were LDR.

 

Did I really mean nothing to him?

 

Who knows? Only he can answer that.

 

But one thing is for certain: he's in a rebound relationship right now and generally speaking, those don't last. He's trying to get over you by getting on top of her.

 

And looks have absolutely nothing to do with anything--according to Esther Perel, people cheat because it makes them feel the way they used to feel about themselves and they're attempting to reclaim who they used to be. I say they cheat because they're selfish.

 

It's good you've deleted him from everything. Go the extra mile and block him. Stop making it too easy for him to reach out to you. He should have to arse himself really good in order to get an audience with you, not just shoot you a text. Besides, his getting back in touch with you will never spin the earth backwards to the moment before he OK'd it with himself to stab you in the back.

[kendahke]

I hate to admit this but it's true. At least for me. Every time I have ever cheated it has been during a LDR. I start feeling disconnected and maybe we have a fight or something. Unfortunately, it seems I always have someone interested in me just waiting for trouble in paradise. When I am angry and disconnected and my gf does not seem to care about my feelings I find it fairly easy to stir in someone else's juices instead of my own. After a short while I come to my senses, end the "affair" and kick myself for not having any integrity. I probably cheated on one long distance partner with five different women during a one year separation before actually breaking up with her because I found someone better. Yes. Monkey branching. Despicable.

 

When the relationship is not LDR I seem to be able to resolve issues face to face and do some relationship repair that isn't really possible for me long distance.

 

I applaud your candor. I'm sure this isn't an easy thing to admit to strangers, but I appreciate your self awareness.

[Lovezen_30]

You answered your own question earlier in your post:

 

He's already gone through the gamut of emotion surrounding breaking up with you. That's why it looks like he moved on so fast. He was over the grieving, probably while you two were LDR.

 

 

The thing about this, though, is that there were no warning signs. 6 days before it was Valentines Day and we were on Skype for almost 3 hours because he 'missed' me. On the same day he booked flights for our holiday together this weekend.

 

He did not become distant, seemed just as loving as ever. Then its curtains suddenly. How could he be so two-faced?

 

In the end he was never protective of my heart because he left himself open to other women (like the emotional affair he had last year, which you gave amazing advice on!). When I had some feelings for a co worker I did everything I could to re-direct that energy back towards my boyfriend. I put him first. He constantly talked the talk, but did not walk the walk.

 

My heart's broken because the man I loved left me for another woman despite telling me that would 'never happen' when the LDR happened. I really think time is the only thing that will make me feel better.

[Lovezen_30]

Also the fact he had an emotional affair last year and then has done this had me thinking there was some fatal flaw within myself that deserved this. What was it about me that didn't make him feel fulfilled?Then I realised that previous dates have not been constantly thirsting after other women, just this guy.

[kendahke]

The thing about this, though, is that there were no warning signs. 6 days before it was Valentines Day and we were on Skype for almost 3 hours because he 'missed' me. On the same day he booked flights for our holiday together this weekend.

 

He did not become distant, seemed just as loving as ever. Then its curtains suddenly. How could he be so two-faced?

 

45 minutes before my LDR ex butt dialed me on his way to his new girlfriend's condo, we were on the phone and he was telling me how much he loved me, couldn't wait to move down with me, blah blah blah. He had been grooming this chick for some time before he made the move to start dating her. If it is worth it to them to keep up the pretense, they will do it.

 

My heart's broken because the man I loved left me for another woman despite telling me that would 'never happen' when the LDR happened. I really think time is the only thing that will make me feel better.

 

Yes, you are right. Sorry you have to go through this. It is painful.

[Lovezen_30]

45 minutes before my LDR ex butt dialed me on his way to his new girlfriend's condo, we were on the phone and he was telling me how much he loved me, couldn't wait to move down with me, blah blah blah. He had been grooming this chick for some time before he made the move to start dating her. If it is worth it to them to keep up the pretense, they will do it.

 

 

 

Yes, you are right. Sorry you have to go through this. It is painful.

 

I'm sorry that happened and I'm disgusted to hear it. How can people treat people they have been in loving relationships with like this? Go through life having absolutely no regard for others, or the carnage they leave in their wake? In my case, I thought he was my 'friend' and lover.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for all the valuable advice you've given me for this ultimate train wreck of a relationship. I just hope I won't be duped like this again...

[ExpatInItaly]

Also the fact he had an emotional affair last year and then has done this had me thinking there was some fatal flaw within myself that deserved this. What was it about me that didn't make him feel fulfilled?Then I realised that previous dates have not been constantly thirsting after other women, just this guy.

 

No. It's not about you, beyond making the very human mistake of wanting to trust someone who has already betrayed you.

 

His infidelity is about him, and his lack of boundaries and respect. It's about his utterly self-centred approach to relationships and needing so much "validation" that he risks it all rather than being honest that he isn't committed.

 

I promise there are other men out there who don't operate on a such an immature and selfish level. When you are ready, you will find one.

[Lovezen_30]

No. It's not about you, beyond making the very human mistake of wanting to trust someone who has already betrayed you.

 

His infidelity is about him, and his lack of boundaries and respect. It's about his utterly self-centred approach to relationships and needing so much "validation" that he risks it all rather than being honest that he isn't committed.

 

I promise there are other men out there who don't operate on a such an immature and selfish level. When you are ready, you will find one.

 

Thank you Expat.

 

I actually think that he just stopped being able to handle LDR (including the lack of sex, because in the last week before the break up he was suddenly initiating more hot and heavy Skypes/it became the focus). He consistently reaffirmed that he was 'happy' and that we could get through the LD. I honestly believed him and thought he/we could.

 

The fact he is now taking this woman on the same dates he took me on...I struggle to believe it has much to do with her. Its about having a warm body to do things with. During his emotional affair last year, he was sharing the same movies, books, etc with the woman that he was reading to me before bed etc. The new woman is also a young student, while I have a career (which he said he felt he couldn't match up to).

 

I said to him 'You gave up' and he didn't know what to say. It's the truth. Instead of being strong, he weakened and couldn't wait 3 more months. I have been beating myself up for believing him, but HE is the one that lied. After the emotional affair, he vowed to do better. 'You are my priority now' he said. It was all nonsense and a waste of my time.