Have you ever experienced a blindsided break up like this? **Updated**

[basil67]

 

On a separate note I would like advice on: I work at a small company where EVERY single day my co-worker asks 'How are things?' or 'How are you?' - I think he does this to me more than others because he has a soft spot for me. Anyway I can't escape him due to the office set up & because I feel heartbroken & am barely holding it together at work, I really want him to stop asking me this and/or have to pretend.

 

 

We do usually chat about our personal lives but I haven't told him yet. Should I tell him or should I just keep saying I'm ok/fine until I finally feel that way again?!

 

Tell your coworker that you broke up. When they ask you about it, just tell them it hurts too much to talk about it. If they ask you about it again in future, just repeat that you don't want to talk about it.

[basil67]

How the hell could he go from saying he felt incredibly close to me/loved me 2 months ago but in 3 weeks the deep connection is gone??

 

It's because he finally gave himself permission to question his love for you. I try and prompt this self questioning from posters not infrequently. When they give a long list of issues but end with "but I love them", I ask that poster to tell us *why* they love them.

 

I do this because I've been through it. Despite being unhappy in my previous marriage, I still repeated the mantra of love. I think as much as anything it was about *wanting* it to be true. When I eventually left, I realised that that I'd fallen out of love with him long ago but didn't give myself permission to question it.

 

When a person changes like this, it's not always about having deliberately deceived their partner. Sometimes they are deceiving themselves without even realising it.

[mmathers]

u are taken aback by the sudden change , but he might have been thinking it the whole time and plotting his exit a while ago

 

it doesnt matter. he wants out . he gets out. so go and get your things and maybe bring a friend so its not some ruse for him to sleep with 'one last time'

 

and watch this guy's YT channel. he is pretty dope

 

[Lovezen_30]

u are taken aback by the sudden change , but he might have been thinking it the whole time and plotting his exit a while ago

 

it doesnt matter. he wants out . he gets out. so go and get your things and maybe bring a friend so its not some ruse for him to sleep with 'one last time'

 

and watch this guy's YT channel. he is pretty dope

 

 

 

So back in October you guys did warn me, but I had to learn for myself and was deeply in love: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/633851-looked-through-boyfriend-s-phone-now-upset-7.html

 

 

"It is one thing whether he means well. He does I think. But other posters are right I'm afraid OP. He's now demonstrated not only an in-ability to realise appropriate boundaries with other women. He's demonstrated an ability to apologise for it, promise change, but then walk on or into doing very similar once again. That's a huge warning shot for what you're gonna get from this guy over time especially the longer the long distance goes on for. You are straining and taking the burden for his naivity, but it's gone beyond that now. He can't apologise for inappropriate female contact on the one hand, whilst doing similar with another at the same time. It's simply not normal, honest behaviour."

 

 

The more I consider his true character, the more the heartbreak I've been feeling these past 4 days eases. The break up has made me feel so rejected and unloved, like there is something wrong with me. Then I think about how he treated me with the EA situation; how he told me I was too intelligent and beautiful for him and that someday soon I was going to realise and how even his friend said 'she is far too good for you where did you find her?!' the first time we were introduced.

 

 

In the end I was only being myself & making a massive effort to love him, support him, have an exciting sex life, get involved in his hobbies and spend time with his family and friends. If all this was still not enough for him? There was no more I could do.

[Soak]

Damn! I must say, that's very bold of him to blame the breakup on your suggesting he seeks counselling. I almost want to kind of give him some props,if you actually believe that nonsense. His counsel was his buddies and some female/s. Trust that.

 

It's the lack of direct honesty that would annoy me. Implying that the counsellor somehow did it, when really, he had probably been questioning it for a while, but couldn't actually say that. The more I think about people, the less I want anything to do with most of them!

 

Anyhow, it sounds like you are on the right path. What basil67 said about your well-intended coworker.

[Soak]

The more I consider his true character, the more the heartbreak I've been feeling these past 4 days eases. The break up has made me feel so rejected and unloved...

 

 

In the end I was only being myself & making a massive effort to love him, support him, have an exciting sex life, get involved in his hobbies and spend time with his family and friends. If all this was still not enough for him? There was no more I could do.

 

Sorry, I didn't see this post.

 

I think it's common to feel unloved and rejected. Here's a statement:

 

"Go and find somebody who will love you"...

 

Guess what?

 

That somebody is "YOU".

[Lovezen_30]

Sorry, I didn't see this post.

 

I think it's common to feel unloved and rejected. Here's a statement:

 

"Go and find somebody who will love you"...

 

Guess what?

 

That somebody is "YOU".

 

 

 

Before this break up I think I did/still do mostly feel a healthy amount of self love. IE. I am mostly happy with who I am (while my ex was deeply unhappy with who he was admittedly).

 

 

It's great to love yourself...it's the first step...but let's face it: most of us also want to find someone that loves us enough to want to share a life with us. So now I've been questioning why he would rather not have me in his life? Why are the qualities he once treasured now not good enough? He even told me I was a fantastic person during the break up call!! It has given my self esteem a knock for sure.

[Popsicle]

So there was something about this relationship that he was unhappy with and he was afraid to tell you before. He was afraid to breakup before and now the counselor has helped give him the confidence in his feelings so he could end things. That is what I see happening. He did you a favor in being honest with himself and with you.

[Popsicle]

So now I've been questioning why he would rather not have me in his life? Why are the qualities he once treasured now not good enough?

 

You answered your own question in this thread. He wants a new shiny object. He's bored and wants excitement.

[OpenBook]

springy - the red flags appeared at the start of Jan when I initiated talks about where the relationship was going & how we were going to bridge the LDR gap. Previously we had a trial living together & he said he loved it so much he wanted us to move in together. However, he freaked out & repeatedly tried to shelve the conversation.[/b]

 

I think this is why he did the 180 on you. It's pretty common for men to head for the hills when their woman starts pressuring them about where they (or their relationship) stands and pin them down on the future. They fell in love with the emotionally independent girl in the beginning of the relationship... and now she's turning into somebody they don't recognize. They see it as needy, clingy, a burden rather than a joy. They look at it as you're trying to pin them down, obligating them, and that takes all the joy out of it for them. Even if (as in your case) it was HIS idea in the first place to rush the relationship along!! Men are weird like that. They want to be the one to push it - but they hate it when you do.

[marky00]

Sadly this is normal.

 

I went to see my Ex (9 year relationship, mostly long distance) in her country on Valentines Day after she had spent Xmas with me in my country.

 

Everything seemed fine, in fact, things seemed better than ever.

 

During the holiday I hardly saw her and a few days later she just left the city and I had to call her several times to admit she wanted a breakup. I found out she had me someone else.

 

These types of stories are a very common occurrence. The main reason why dumpers seem to be so nice before a breakup is that they don't want any drama leading up to D Day. They can't breakup with you if your all messed up etc. Its easier for them if its just a normal day when they execute the decision.

 

It can also be an over-compensation thing. Like, they know D-day is coming so they over-compensate in trying to create a front that all is normal.

 

Guilt is another possibility. They feel bad for what's about to happen so they want to give you some better times before D day. Also want to appear like they care on some level and are a decent person.

 

In the end we know all this just makes it worse for a dumpee but its pretty easy to see why a dumper would employ these tactics, even though they create the exact opposite of the desired effect.

[marky00]

I think this is why he did the 180 on you. It's pretty common for men to head for the hills when their woman starts pressuring them about where they (or their relationship) stands and pin them down on the future. They fell in love with the emotionally independent girl in the beginning of the relationship... and now she's turning into somebody they don't recognize. They see it as needy, clingy, a burden rather than a joy. They look at it as you're trying to pin them down, obligating them, and that takes all the joy out of it for them. Even if (as in your case) it was HIS idea in the first place to rush the relationship along!! Men are weird like that. They want to be the one to push it - but they hate it when you do.

 

women do the exact same thing. this is not gender specific behavior.

[YNWA]

Sadly this is normal.

 

I went to see my Ex (9 year relationship, mostly long distance) in her country on Valentines Day after she had spent Xmas with me in my country.

 

Everything seemed fine, in fact, things seemed better than ever.

 

During the holiday I hardly saw her and a few days later she just left the city and I had to call her several times to admit she wanted a breakup. I found out she had me someone else.

 

These types of stories are a very common occurrence. The main reason why dumpers seem to be so nice before a breakup is that they don't want any drama leading up to D Day. They can't breakup with you if your all messed up etc. Its easier for them if its just a normal day when they execute the decision.

 

It can also be an over-compensation thing. Like, they know D-day is coming so they over-compensate in trying to create a front that all is normal.

 

Guilt is another possibility. They feel bad for what's about to happen so they want to give you some better times before D day. Also want to appear like they care on some level and are a decent person.

 

In the end we know all this just makes it worse for a dumpee but its pretty easy to see why a dumper would employ these tactics, even though they create the exact opposite of the desired effect.

 

This is well said I feel....it truly does make sense and is a total cop out on their side but the reason you give on why they do it makes sense. Plus once D day hits boom they’re gone and already have that new person to comfort them and help them move on while the dumpee is left to deal with it alone and now has to deal with the whole blindside aspect of it all, its awful...but time heals everything, it truly does.

 

I went through it in undergrad, my 2.5 year gf suddenly left me and apparently had found someone else and I was left devastated and blindsided, and she lived across from me so I had to see this news car every day knowing he was staying at her place now...then on top of that my 3 best friends at the time went behind my back and signed a new house agreement with her instead of me....because apparently one of my “best friends” had a crush on her and saw this as a way to make a move on her...what he didn’t know is that she was already with someone else.

 

Once they all moved in together they met the new bf who was apparently a douche bag and he was constantly using their water and electricity so they asked my ex if he was gonna chip in for rent since he was over so much and the guy overheard them and got his friends to threaten them with baseball bats haha. So **** hit the fan meanwhile I’m laughing my butt off, karma had been served. She’s actually now married to the guy but as time moved on I realized how greatful I am that we didn’t end up together, we had some many different views on life and red flags that love just blinded me from...once you have healed and the heart break is over you’ll be able to truly evaluate everything as well as move on to find someone who you’ll truly be perfect with.

[Lovezen_30]

Sadly this is normal.

 

I went to see my Ex (9 year relationship, mostly long distance) in her country on Valentines Day after she had spent Xmas with me in my country.

 

Everything seemed fine, in fact, things seemed better than ever.

 

During the holiday I hardly saw her and a few days later she just left the city and I had to call her several times to admit she wanted a breakup. I found out she had me someone else.

 

These types of stories are a very common occurrence. The main reason why dumpers seem to be so nice before a breakup is that they don't want any drama leading up to D Day. They can't breakup with you if your all messed up etc. Its easier for them if its just a normal day when they execute the decision.

 

It can also be an over-compensation thing. Like, they know D-day is coming so they over-compensate in trying to create a front that all is normal.

 

Guilt is another possibility. They feel bad for what's about to happen so they want to give you some better times before D day. Also want to appear like they care on some level and are a decent person.

 

In the end we know all this just makes it worse for a dumpee but its pretty easy to see why a dumper would employ these tactics, even though they create the exact opposite of the desired effect.

 

 

Sorry to this happened to you marky - obviously I can understand the pain you went through as its still raw for me.

 

 

Well I have been the dumper - and I have never sugar-coated the situation by making massive declarations of love, over-complimenting & even booking multiple trips with them. Why? Because generally I'm an authentic person that simply could not lie to another person in that way or put on a front. In the past when I was about to pull the plug I always became more distant with my exes so I think they always sensed it coming...

[Lovezen_30]

^ to the comment above - I hope I can find someone like that.

 

But I have the recurring problem of men thinking they are not good enough for me

 

My last 3 exes:

 

Ex 1: Said I was too beautiful & that people on the street would wonder what this beautiful woman was doing that guy. He was average looking and a great person.

Ex 2: Intimidated by my success because he didn't

measure up in his eyes.

Ex 3 (5 months ago): He told me these exact words: "You're about as close to perfect as I will ever find in this life. But it won't be long before you realise you're too beautiful and too intelligent for me."

 

I know this sounds cheesy and I know I am NOT Julia Roberts but remember in Notting Hill she says:

 

'I'm also just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her...'

 

I feel I might never someone who sees me as an equal.

[marky00]

Sorry to this happened to you marky - obviously I can understand the pain you went through as its still raw for me.

 

 

Well I have been the dumper - and I have never sugar-coated the situation by making massive declarations of love, over-complimenting & even booking multiple trips with them. Why? Because generally I'm an authentic person that simply could not lie to another person in that way or put on a front. In the past when I was about to pull the plug I always became more distant with my exes so I think they always sensed it coming...

 

Yeah, i'm the same as you.

 

My ex was from Thailand and she had the survivor mentality and when push came to shove she always put herself first (all the time). It was unbelievable how she dealt with the situation and I haven't spoken to her for 2 years even though she tried pretty hard to get me to speak to her.

[Lovezen_30]

Boyfriend blindsided me with a break up 2 weeks ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/653732-have-you-ever-experienced-blindsided-break-up-like

 

For the short version: we had been together 1 1/2 years and LDR for 5 1/2 months. In 3 months my job and house contract was going to end, so I was initiating conversations about the future. Shortly after plans for a future together were becoming real he panicked and broke things off, citing incompatiblities that had never been an issue before.

 

Today I showed up to his house expecting him to be cool/distant with me. I brought a large suitcase to fill all my things with and as soon as I came in, he took my coat and made me a cup of tea. He started trying to be overly helpful as I was packing and talked to me as though nothing has changed (other than the fact I was obviously packing my stuff up). We didn’t discuss the break up or relationship once and it was like any other day together in terms of things we talked about. Once I had finished packing, he asked if he could make me another cup of tea (I had been there almost an hour by this time). I said no and that I would go to the train station now, so he said he would accompany me. He came with me to a cafe while I grabbed a takeaway lunch then onwards to the station. We were laughing and smiling, walking closely together and touching and all I kept thinking was ‘what a waste ‘.

 

At the station it was time to say goodbye. He pulled me in close, his face was pressed into my neck and he said ‘oh demelza…’. He held on for a long time and when he finally pulled back he gently brushed the snow off my face and we kissed. As we pulled back from the kiss, he was staring at me and looked as he was going to say something, but said nothing. So I told him to go because I felt the tears coming, so he stepped back but then reached out his hand for mine. I placed my hand in his and he stroked it then said goodbye and started to walk away. As he walked off, he kept looking behind him.

 

When I finally made it back home I just collapsed and my parents held me while I cried. So thats it now, as far as I know that’s the last I’ll see of him in this life. Do you think my ex had regrets going by the way he behaved today? It did make me feel a little better to think he was struggling too. My mum is picking up more of my heavier, valuable items from him in a few days. Hopefully she behaves herself!

[ExpatInItaly]

That must have been very painful for you. I'm really sorry.

 

I don't get the sense that he regrets it, but goodbyes like that are never easy. That would be enough to tug on anyone's heartstrings. I am sure it was difficult for him to see you go, but I would try very hard not to read into his behaviour there.

[Whodatdog]

If he regretted he, he wouldnt have done it. He had every opportunity to change his mind, and he didnt.

 

Not every break up is because people hate each other. Sometimes it just doesnt work. Better to be a friendly break up, than a screaming match.

[Lovezen_30]

When he emailed me to break up, saying he no longer felt a 'deep connection', he admitted on the phone that he still felt the connection in person. Today I think the connection between us was still obvious

 

When I arrived at his place, almost all of his stuff was packed up. He told me he is moving to a cottage in the countryside. The main reason he gave for the break up was that I was not yet ready to live the 'rural' lifestyle and he felt he had to escape the city life immediately for his mental health. I offered a year in a small town 20 mins from the countryside but it wasn't enough.

 

However I still feel that if he'd really loved me we could have worked out issues like that ^. I feel like I'm dying inside. I've lost my best friend. It blows my mind that one month ago he asked me to his cousin's wedding and was telling me how much he loved me, talked a bout our kids etc. I'm in shock over quick things have changed.

[CantTakeMySmile]

When he emailed me to break up, saying he no longer felt a 'deep connection', he admitted on the phone that he still felt the connection in person. Today I think the connection between us was still obvious

 

When I arrived at his place, almost all of his stuff was packed up. He told me he is moving to a cottage in the countryside. The main reason he gave for the break up was that I was not yet ready to live the 'rural' lifestyle and he felt he had to escape the city life immediately for his mental health. I offered a year in a small town 20 mins from the countryside but it wasn't enough.

 

However I still feel that if he'd really loved me we could have worked out issues like that ^. I feel like I'm dying inside. I've lost my best friend. It blows my mind that one month ago he asked me to his cousin's wedding and was telling me how much he loved me, talked a bout our kids etc. I'm in shock over quick things have changed.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, things can change very quickly. My ex said on Thursday, "I will see you Saturday" , and then I never heard from her again.

 

 

So, maybe I am cynical but it is hard to invest when people are so volatile.

 

 

What I do know, is when someone is "In" it, that is it. That is all that matters. When they are not, you will constantly be guessing yourself.

 

 

And, if you look un-emotionally, you can tell if someone is truly "IN'. You just have to maintain an outsiders view sometimes, so you can truly see.

 

 

Anyways, do I think he regrets it? No. Does i think he had feelings for you and still cares, and it was hard, yes. But, it is what he wants. And he was trying to do right by you, by not making it mean and harsh.

 

 

I was with someone that liked me way more than I liked her. But, still, when she broke up with me, I cried. WhY? I don't even know. It was what I wanted. I sometimes thought "why isn't she texting me?" after we broke up. Even though it didnt' really bother me, after a year, it was still a "miss".

 

 

I think it was nice of him to be there for you this way as a friend instead of making it nasty. Be grateful.

[Lovezen_30]

Together for 2 years, LDR for the last 5 months with only 3 months before we were back together again. After being 100% committed the whole way through...

 

He suddenly breaks up with me in an email saying he has mental issues to sort through before he can be with anyone, 'I want to be alone' bla bla bla. When I pick my things up he kisses me, strokes my face, holds my hand, the whole nine yards. Now find out he's been dating this woman immediately after the break up, taking her on exact same dates, but to be honest - it looks like he started this before we split up. I messaged him saying I know about her and then deleted him on everything. He hasn't replied so far.

 

And I am going to sound mean but she is not attractive compared to him who is really handsome. She has been gushing about how good looking he is on her social media *yuck*. Sure, maybe she has a nice personality, but whatever...I am mad!! Especially as he said I was 'too attractive' for him and would realise it. I hated that he said I was too good looking and 'more intelligent', because it wasn't true.

 

How the hell could he move on to a new relationship so fast? We had 2 holidays booked together (the second one started this weekend) and he's already with a new woman. Did I really mean nothing to him?

[smackie9]

Sorry but I have a feeling he moved on before he broke the news to you. LDRs will do that to people, put them at risk for emotional detachment. Yes I'm sure at one time you really did mean something to him, but these things happen. He may have been confused about his feelings and did his best to make it work. Or he was planning this for awhile and is a complete jerk. Maybe his "mental" issues are actually drug issues. They could be dope buddies and that would explain things. I dunno your guess is as good as mine. Only he can give you the answers. I understand you are venting, and it is needed for sure, but don't stalk him or seek out his activities...write the bastard off and get busy with life.

[CptInsano]

He probably didn't move all that fast. You're probably right that it started before you two broke up. He most likely couldn't handle the LDR, at least that's my guess. It takes quite a bit of maturity to make an LDR work.

[AngelLove]

I'm sorry this happened but I can give you a peace of mind I know right now it feels like the world has turned against you and it's all crashing down on you.

 

 

I would mourn my loses and focus on meeting someone closer.LDR rarely work out in the end