Have you ever experienced a blindsided break up like this? **Updated**

[Lovezen_30]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We have been long distance for 5 1/2 months with just 3 more months to go. At first I was the one suffering hugely from LDR & he was the one assuring me we were strong, it wasn't long and we would get through it.

 

 

On Monday night my now ex Skyped me as usual, convincingly told me 'I love you so much' & said he was excited for our upcoming holiday together in a month with another couple. On Tuesday he emailed me saying it was over, that we were on different paths (even though we had just come to some decisions about living together in a place we both liked, shared hobbies...) & that while he was still attracted to me, he longer felt a 'spark or deep connection'!! When I got him on the phone he back-tracked, as I suggested he still seemed very passionate with me and was he using me...he said no, he still did feel love last time we were together.

 

 

I was stunned. He gave me NO indication & admitted he knew I would be blindsided. He says that he has been seeing a counsellor & the counsellor gave him tips to re-evaluate his life...which lead to him leaving me.

 

So now I'm heartbroken but also angry that he pretended for a month & painted a picture of a future together. He was talking about our kids, a five year plan, we had just booked 2 trips together...he said he had lost feelings for me in 3 weeks. Has anyone been through something similar and how did you find peace?

[Soak]

Accept that it's over. Do not contact him. This did not come out of the blue for him. Consider the possibility he's met somebody (or multiple somebodies) else.

 

It is now time for you to harness your dignity. Do not contact him.

[springy]

I'd put money on him having met someone else...

 

You find peace over time, by coming to terms with the end of the relationship. No red flags that maybe this guy wasn't really devoted to you?...ever?

 

Sorry.

[Soak]

a) never put your worth in somebody else. You will probably learn this from this.

 

The best thing you can do right now is to NEVER contact him again. Although it might seem hard, your self-respect is more important. Remember that if the temptation comes up.

 

He may contact you at some piint with dumper's regret, or things are not working out the way he expected.

 

DO NOT RESPOND if this happens.. I repeat, do not respond!

[d0nnivain]

The night I got dumped by a guy, I honestly had been under the impression that he was coming over to propose. Boy did I get that wrong.

 

 

I wallowed for a long time, then it turned to anger. In time it passed but in the throws of it, I felt like crap.

[springy]

I was dumped by a guy just a couple weeks after he wrote a three page love professing "essay" and read it in front of 40-50 friends and relatives. Coming to a place of peace took a very long time. How? Lots of self talk, complete NC, keeping busy, accepting that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that was his right. That I didn't want someone who didn't want me.

 

There's no quick fix. It's just going to take time. Help yourself by not following his life in any way, not staying in touch or being "friends".

[Soak]

been seeing a counsellor & the counsellor gave him tips to re-evaluate his life...which lead to him leaving me.B]

 

And when the counsellor or whoever convinced them to make changes or, in some cases, break up with you, is no longer in the picture, they will (most likely) contact you. Not saying he will for sure, but it is a pattern. Be prepared for it either way.

 

If he doesn't contact you, thank your lucky stars you have dodged this indecisive and irreponsible person.

 

At some piint he's decided to not include you in issues that may have concerned the two of you. Eg, your relationship. This shows he has withdrawn and has gone commando. In other words, he has become a 'him' rather than an an 'us'.

Edited February 23, 2018 by Soak

[Soak]

I was dumped by a guy just a couple weeks after he wrote a three page love professing "essay" and read it in front of 40-50 friends and relatives. Coming to a place of peace took a very long time. How? Lots of self talk, complete NC, keeping busy, accepting that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that was his right. That I didn't want someone who didn't want me.

 

There's no quick fix. It's just going to take time. Help yourself by not following his life in any way, not staying in touch or being "friends".

 

Yes, all of this. Start exercising if you haven't already. It will make you feel 100% better..

[Lovezen_30]

Accept that it's over. Do not contact him. This did not come out of the blue for him. Consider the possibility he's met somebody (or multiple somebodies) else.

 

It is now time for you to harness your dignity. Do not contact him.

 

 

 

The only time I am going to contact him is when I go to pick my stuff up from his place next week, when I was due to visit. BECAUSE included in the break up email, he also told me he is moving out of his place in the city to move to the countryside. When I met him he lived in the countryside but left due to loneliness. He's a mess.

 

 

I accept he might have met someone else & he did have a short emotional affair previously. However he was crying on the phone saying 'I just want to be alone. I need time to myself for a while'. He sounded like he was in deep pain whatever the case.

 

 

springy - the red flags appeared at the start of Jan when I initiated talks about where the relationship was going & how we were going to bridge the LDR gap. Previously we had a trial living together & he said he loved it so much he wanted us to move in together. However, he freaked out & repeatedly tried to shelve the conversation.

 

 

Last time I saw him he was planning a future with me, down to the types of furniture we would buy & the pets we would get. We decided that we would move to a town we both like but now he has decided he is the lone ranger. To know he built up this future with me and wants none of it/doesn't value me is so hard.

[Lovezen_30]

And when the counsellor or whoever convinced them to make changes or, in some cases, break up with you, is no longer in the picture, they will (most likely) contact you. Not saying he will for sure, but it is a pattern. Be prepared for it either way.

 

If he doesn't contact you, thank your lucky stars you have dodged this indecisive and irreponsible person.

 

At some piint he's decided to not include you in issues that may have concerned the two of you. Eg, your relationship. This shows he has withdrawn and has gone commando. In other words, he has become a 'him' rather than an an 'us'.

 

 

 

In truth he rarely included me in his issues. I never felt he was 100% transparent in that way & he never brought up things that bothered him during the relationship/froze during any mildly serious discussion. He presented me with a laundry list of things that had bugged him when we broke up. Why did he never give me a chance to fix anything? Almost every one of them were small understandings/him making assumptions about my thoughts without asking ME.

[d0nnivain]

The only time I am going to contact him is when I go to pick my stuff up from his place next week, when I was due to visit. BECAUSE included in the break up email, he also told me he is moving out of his place in the city to move to the countryside. When I met him he lived in the countryside but left due to loneliness. He's a mess.

 

 

I accept he might have met someone else & he did have a short emotional affair previously. However he was crying on the phone saying 'I just want to be alone. I need time to myself for a while'. He sounded like he was in deep pain whatever the case.

 

 

springy - the red flags appeared at the start of Jan when I initiated talks about where the relationship was going & how we were going to bridge the LDR gap. Previously we had a trial living together & he said he loved it so much he wanted us to move in together. However, he freaked out & repeatedly tried to shelve the conversation.

 

 

Last time I saw him he was planning a future with me, down to the types of furniture we would buy & the pets we would get. We decided that we would move to a town we both like but now he has decided he is the lone ranger. To know he built up this future with me and wants none of it/doesn't value me is so hard.

 

 

Given all of those issues . . . he probably had a vision of what your relationship was & that vision was solely on his terms. When you asked Qs, when you behaved in manner that was contradictory to what he wanted or envisioned, he could not handle it. If you heard him talk to his therapist about your relationship you would probably be wondering if he was actually talking about YOUR relationship; it would sound that alien to you.

 

 

All you can do is lick your wounds, self soothe & try to hang on to the fact that in time the pain will be less acute.

[ExpatInItaly]

I accept he might have met someone else & he did have a short emotional affair previously. However he was crying on the phone saying 'I just want to be alone. I need time to myself for a while'. He sounded like he was in deep pain whatever the case.

 

And what happened with that?

 

I would hope he's not doing it again, but I would not be surprised to learn the opposite.

[Lovezen_30]

Given all of those issues . . . he probably had a vision of what your relationship was & that vision was solely on his terms. When you asked Qs, when you behaved in manner that was contradictory to what he wanted or envisioned, he could not handle it. If you heard him talk to his therapist about your relationship you would probably be wondering if he was actually talking about YOUR relationship; it would sound that alien to you.

 

 

All you can do is lick your wounds, self soothe & try to hang on to the fact that in time the pain will be less acute.

 

 

 

Well during the talk when he talked about aspects of our relationship to ME it was alien - like he was rewriting the whole relationship & telling me he thought I had been unhappy with him at times when I WAS happy and consistently expressed as much. He said he didn't think I could live a rural lifestyle when I had repeatedly told him I would be happy to as long as I can continue writing & have a car. Why would he do this?

 

 

3 weeks ago he said he was excited to move to this new town together (I thought of this location because he repeatedly talked about moving there & I liked it), so to hear that now he was just doing his own thing in the country was bizarre.

 

 

You know what? When I met him he was doing his own thing in the country and he wasn't happy. He said he will be available to take my calls if I have questions - I have loads but HE isn't even self-aware enough to know what he really feels/wants in my opinion.

[Lovezen_30]

And what happened with that?

 

I would hope he's not doing it again, but I would not be surprised to learn the opposite.

 

 

Given the conversations followed, I said I thought he needed to see a counsellor and he agreed that he did, to draw better boundaries and get over his need for attention from other women.

 

 

During the break up call he said 'It was you that encouraged me to go to the counsellor and this break up is the outcome! - as if it was my fault.

 

 

I had wondered if he had fallen off the EA wagon and was feeling terrible guilt/lashing out at me over it. I have no idea, although it does genuinely sound like he wants to be by himself. When he was here 3 weeks ago he was sobbing, saying he doesn't think he's a good person :|

[Soak]

In truth he rarely included me in his issues. I never felt he was 100% transparent in that way & he never brought up things that bothered him during the relationship/froze during any mildly serious discussion. He presented me with a laundry list of things that had bugged him when we broke up. Why did he never give me a chance to fix anything? Almost every one of them were small understandings/him making assumptions about my thoughts without asking ME.

 

He was never really 'with' you in the emotional, letting you in sense.

 

Pick up your stuff and keep all conversation to getting your stuff. Do not enter into anything personal.

 

I think it helps to think the worst of people sometimes: that they are all after something, and that they never really tell you the truth of what is going on, because they either do not know, or they are deceitful.

[Lovezen_30]

He was never really 'with' you in the emotional, letting you in sense.

 

Pick up your stuff and keep all conversation to getting your stuff. Do not enter into anything personal.

 

I think it helps to think the worst of people sometimes: that they are all after something, and that they never really tell you the truth of what is going on, because they either do not know, or they are deceitful.

 

 

 

When I told my mother what had happened she said 'I don't think he is capable of a deep connection.' I was his first serious relationship, everyone before me had been flings. How the hell could he go from saying he felt incredibly close to me/loved me 2 months ago but in 3 weeks the deep connection is gone??

 

 

During the break up call he thanked me for making him a better person and making him look closely at himself. So now he thinks he's all shiny and new for the next woman but I doubt it.

 

 

I also feel slightly used. He became almost manic with his sex drive when I saw him last & was initiating more sexual Skype sessions just last week. So to say he still felt very attracted to me in the break up email made me feel he had been toying with me & no longer valued who I was, although he denies this.

[Soak]

I also feel slightly used. He became almost manic with his sex drive when I saw him last & was initiating more sexual Skype sessions just last week. So to say he still felt very attracted to me in the break up email made me feel he had been toying with me & no longer valued who I was, although he denies this.

 

Trust your instincts on this. Mine devalued me sexually in the end too, but i'm over it now.

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but it's best you see this person for who he is now.

 

With regards to the phonecall (questions), do not take him up on this offer. You will never get the truth out of him and when the dust settles, you will know the truth. That's how life works!

Edited February 23, 2018 by Soak

[Lovezen_30]

Trust your instincts on this. Mine devalued me sexually in the end too, but i'm over it now.

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but it's best you see this person for who he is now.

 

With regards to the phonecall (questions), do not take him up on this offer. You will never get the truth out of him and when the dust settles, you will know the truth. That's how life works!

 

 

 

Sorry that he devalued you in that way. I've got nothing left to ask him anyway. The majority of what he said about what he thinks I want from the future and how they are incompatible with him were untrue fabrications and all in his mind.

 

 

This is day 3 and it is the first day I haven't had a crying break-down to the same extent, although the hole in my heart has caught me off guard a few times. It's more difficult because it wasn't a gradual fade-out. He was still professing love 4 nights ago. I already miss the daily companionship and support

Edited February 23, 2018 by Lovezen_30

[chassmash]

As a recent dumpee, I can tell you it gets better. I've been doing a lot of sports and dating. Just moving on. It gets better every day.

 

My ex also started seeing a shrink. And I was fed a similar line of bs.

 

One way to look at it is do you really want to be legally attached to such an unstable, emotionally labile person. It's somewhat sad that a grown up sees a counselor and then starts freaking out.

 

There are a lot of fish in the sea and a lot of experiences to be had. Maybe the next guy will have it more together.

[Young mind]

I'm sorry you feel this way, unfortunately as others said, it's common to feel blindsided, otherwise there will be no distinction between the dumper and the dumpee, out of anger and distress, you may point out bad things , but try to accept this out of love.

 

Attempt to move on with your life and accept the finality of the breakup.

 

Time heals and I'm sure you will be better soon

[Imajerk17]

I am sorry to hear this, LoveZen. I am coming to see that unfortunately too many people--such as your ex--are great actors. As in, if they are in a relationship and find themselves feeling doubts, they will continue to act as if nothing is wrong--sometimes for quite a while--and pretend that they are happy, instead of conveying their doubts to you, their partner. In some cases they may even end up *over*compensating and act more invested than ever.

 

That's all I got for you now, I hope you feel better.

Edited February 24, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Lovezen_30]

I am sorry to hear this, LoveZen. I am coming to see that unfortunately too many people--such as your ex--are great actors. As in, if they are in a relationship and find themselves feeling doubts, they will continue to act as if nothing is wrong--sometimes for quite a while--and pretend that they are happy, instead of conveying their doubts to you, their partner. In some cases they may even end up *over*compensating and act more invested than ever.

 

That's all I got for you now, I hope you feel better.

 

 

 

Yes he actually was an actor for a short time! I remember joking I didn't like dating actors as they were usually good liars. Ho ho...I think he must have over-compensated as you say. The night before the break up he was laying it on thick: 'Remember that I love you so very much and you really do look beautiful tonight.'

 

On a separate note I would like advice on: I work at a small company where EVERY single day my co-worker asks 'How are things?' or 'How are you?' - I think he does this to me more than others because he has a soft spot for me. Anyway I can't escape him due to the office set up & because I feel heartbroken & am barely holding it together at work, I really want him to stop asking me this and/or have to pretend.

 

 

We do usually chat about our personal lives but I haven't told him yet. Should I tell him or should I just keep saying I'm ok/fine until I finally feel that way again?!

[NopeNah]

Given the conversations followed, I said I thought he needed to see a counsellor and he agreed that he did, to draw better boundaries and get over his need for attention from other women.

 

 

During the break up call he said 'It was you that encouraged me to go to the counsellor and this break up is the outcome! - as if it was my fault

Damn! I must say, that's very bold of him to blame the breakup on your suggesting he seeks counselling. I almost want to kind of give him some props,if you actually believe that nonsense. His counsel was his buddies and some female/s. Trust that.

[Lovezen_30]

Damn! I must say, that's very bold of him to blame the breakup on your suggesting he seeks counselling. I almost want to kind of give him some props,if you actually believe that nonsense. His counsel was his buddies and some female/s. Trust that.

 

 

 

My response was 'wait a minute, you're a grown adult, I didn't frog march you to the counsellor's office and make you see him' - he went very quiet for a minute and then said 'I know...no, I know I needed to see someone...'

 

 

I also asked if he'd spoken to his friends pre-break up, he said no, only this all enlightened counsellor. He had an EA before where he was always confiding in another woman I'd never heard of about our relationship. When I asked who she was he said he barely knew her, even though they talked all the time. Lies and more lies.

[basil67]

Lovezen, I'm so sorry you're surprised by this. It was only six months ago that you discovered him having an emotional affair. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/633851-looked-through-boyfriend-s-phone-now-upset

 

Thing is, your posting history is absolutely littered with your issues regarding him. While it may have had a lot of nice parts, this relationship wasn't good enough to sustain a marriage....or anything long term. Each and every time you made a post, it should have been a flag that something is wrong. And if something is wrong for you, then it's wrong for him. And if things are wrong for your partner, you need to be prepared that they may walk away.

 

You are young and still have plenty of dating ahead of you. When choosing who to stay with long term, please remember that good relationships don't cause this much angst.