Boyfriend has a bad temper?

[darkmoon]

about the crying...

 

whoever brings it on, just walk to the toilet and cry discreetly, nobody needs to sit thru crying as it is immature, I wish you well, but sheesh, most guys do not want sobbing girls

Edited February 16, 2018 by darkmoon

[act00]

To be honest, and I'm really sorry, but the whole thing reads as though he is no longer interested. At three months, it's a natural time that people split off, as it has become apparent there are compatibility issues. Most of the time one person is ready to split while the other person is not, but they feel it from the other person, and this can result in them hanging on tighter. Rarely is it a blindside. The signs are there.

 

We already covered some issues that you need some serious work on. Being hypersensitive and crying at the drop of a hat...sometimes for excess of 10 minutes...problem. He never knows what's going to set off the waterworks, and it can be as simple as wanting to eat at McDonald's rather than at home and you take it as some personal slight. You are lonely, have a tendency to be a bit dramatic, and come across as clingy and needy, and this may be a projection based on your high level of sensitivity and crying. You perceive him being mad at you when he simply has a preference.

 

On that, I don't know if this is how he is or not, but this man seems to want things to go his way, whether it's a spontaneous plan that doesn't pan out the way he envisioned in his head, so his mood is affected, or he is adamant about having takeout while you're thinking to cook, or he'd rather eat at McDonald's instead of going home. He seems a bit unbendable and may also pout as a result.

 

With the restaurant situation, it does appear initially that you unilaterally decided "cook at home," instead of going out, with best intentions in mind (he's tired, chill at home). This wasn't communicated as a "How about I cook instead, I know you're tired, unless you'd rather go out," but instead, "I'm cooking." This upset him, instead of saying, "I was really hoping to go out" it turned into drama. You were in tears...excessively. BUT...What he had in his head was takeout. How were you you supposed to know when he said "restaurant," he meant takeout? Were you supposed to read his mind? Or did he change his mind on takeout vs. restaurant, leaving the blame on you? And he expected you to buy the takeout and have it all ready for him upon his arrival. What would have happened when he arrived and you were ready to go out to that restaurant, and he expected takeout that wasn't there and ready? Why not cook? It's cheaper, unless you were looking forward to not cooking. You could easily tell him, "Relax, honey, I'll do the dishes" if cleanup was a major issue for him.

 

On planning. I'm a planner. I do not do well with people who can't form a plan in advance or change plans at the last minute. This ski trip should have been planned and booked in advance. Not only could you have maybe gotten cheaper rates, but if too expensive, you would have known enough in advance to find an alternate plan. Instead you were throwing this together at the last minute. If his man pouts because whatever he had in his head doesn't pan out due to lack of planning, that's going to be hard to work around. Both of you could have done better in the planning. If this isn't something he does, it falls on you...and you may begin to resent that you're the one who has to do all the work, and if he pushes back because it's not what he envisioned, yet does not take the time to plan what he wants, it will lead to more conflict.

 

I do think you need to work harder on finding some activities and/or friends to help occupy yourself, whether it's a home hobby or getting out for other interests. People who are not busy have a very difficult time in relationships with someone who is always busy, and of course it hurts a great deal when you never seem to be a priority. YOU need to decide if the time he gives is enough for you, and if it's not, it's time to cut your losses. You get choices too, and really, despite your hypersensitivity and mood issues, he seems to ultimately want things his way and your job is to comply with no complaints. He doesn't seem to work well with you having your own desires and preferences. You're met with a lot of resistance and mood, and at times it seems you're argumentative and pushy about "your way," but it really seems like you're both doing this, and he wins or you have to deal with his mood...and then the waterworks. Compatibility is the big question here, because over the course of three months, there shouldn't be this much conflict, and here we are at the three-month mark where relationships tend to make a natural split.

[joseb]

Clia's post above is pretty much exactly what I would have replied if I had time!

 

How you couldnt see that he wanted some alone time away from you when he clearly told you he wanted to go to his house and spend the night there alone, I really can't understand.

 

If definitely feels like he is pulling away.

[b1a6]

Clia's post above is pretty much exactly what I would have replied if I had time!

 

How you couldnt see that he wanted some alone time away from you when he clearly told you he wanted to go to his house and spend the night there alone, I really can't understand.

 

If definitely feels like he is pulling away.

 

I'm sorry but I don't think that's fair at all... as I already said, we already have little time together and this was a weekend that we had planned to be together. But he wanted to change plans just like he always does because he's so flaky. I get that most guys need some alone time and I don't want to take away all his alone time but it was the fact that he asked for it on our planned weekend. I'm tired of him changing his mind all the time and making me wait for him to make decisions about when he's going to meet me and then when he DOES finally meet me, subsequently complain that he doesn't want to be there

[b1a6]

To be honest, and I'm really sorry, but the whole thing reads as though he is no longer interested. At three months, it's a natural time that people split off, as it has become apparent there are compatibility issues. Most of the time one person is ready to split while the other person is not, but they feel it from the other person, and this can result in them hanging on tighter. Rarely is it a blindside. The signs are there.

 

We already covered some issues that you need some serious work on. Being hypersensitive and crying at the drop of a hat...sometimes for excess of 10 minutes...problem. He never knows what's going to set off the waterworks, and it can be as simple as wanting to eat at McDonald's rather than at home and you take it as some personal slight. You are lonely, have a tendency to be a bit dramatic, and come across as clingy and needy, and this may be a projection based on your high level of sensitivity and crying. You perceive him being mad at you when he simply has a preference.

 

On that, I don't know if this is how he is or not, but this man seems to want things to go his way, whether it's a spontaneous plan that doesn't pan out the way he envisioned in his head, so his mood is affected, or he is adamant about having takeout while you're thinking to cook, or he'd rather eat at McDonald's instead of going home. He seems a bit unbendable and may also pout as a result.

 

With the restaurant situation, it does appear initially that you unilaterally decided "cook at home," instead of going out, with best intentions in mind (he's tired, chill at home). This wasn't communicated as a "How about I cook instead, I know you're tired, unless you'd rather go out," but instead, "I'm cooking." This upset him, instead of saying, "I was really hoping to go out" it turned into drama. You were in tears...excessively. BUT...What he had in his head was takeout. How were you you supposed to know when he said "restaurant," he meant takeout? Were you supposed to read his mind? Or did he change his mind on takeout vs. restaurant, leaving the blame on you? And he expected you to buy the takeout and have it all ready for him upon his arrival. What would have happened when he arrived and you were ready to go out to that restaurant, and he expected takeout that wasn't there and ready? Why not cook? It's cheaper, unless you were looking forward to not cooking. You could easily tell him, "Relax, honey, I'll do the dishes" if cleanup was a major issue for him.

 

On planning. I'm a planner. I do not do well with people who can't form a plan in advance or change plans at the last minute. This ski trip should have been planned and booked in advance. Not only could you have maybe gotten cheaper rates, but if too expensive, you would have known enough in advance to find an alternate plan. Instead you were throwing this together at the last minute. If his man pouts because whatever he had in his head doesn't pan out due to lack of planning, that's going to be hard to work around. Both of you could have done better in the planning. If this isn't something he does, it falls on you...and you may begin to resent that you're the one who has to do all the work, and if he pushes back because it's not what he envisioned, yet does not take the time to plan what he wants, it will lead to more conflict.

 

I do think you need to work harder on finding some activities and/or friends to help occupy yourself, whether it's a home hobby or getting out for other interests. People who are not busy have a very difficult time in relationships with someone who is always busy, and of course it hurts a great deal when you never seem to be a priority. YOU need to decide if the time he gives is enough for you, and if it's not, it's time to cut your losses. You get choices too, and really, despite your hypersensitivity and mood issues, he seems to ultimately want things his way and your job is to comply with no complaints. He doesn't seem to work well with you having your own desires and preferences. You're met with a lot of resistance and mood, and at times it seems you're argumentative and pushy about "your way," but it really seems like you're both doing this, and he wins or you have to deal with his mood...and then the waterworks. Compatibility is the big question here, because over the course of three months, there shouldn't be this much conflict, and here we are at the three-month mark where relationships tend to make a natural split.

 

Sigh, it's all true. I wish he would just break up with me now so I don't have to.

[d0nnivain]

You have to stop drifting through life being soooo passive. If you want to end the relationship have enough back bone & self respect. Don't just sit there hoping he'll break up with you.

[joseb]

I'm sorry but I don't think that's fair at all... as I already said, we already have little time together and this was a weekend that we had planned to be together. But he wanted to change plans just like he always does because he's so flaky. I get that most guys need some alone time and I don't want to take away all his alone time but it was the fact that he asked for it on our planned weekend. I'm tired of him changing his mind all the time and making me wait for him to make decisions about when he's going to meet me and then when he DOES finally meet me, subsequently complain that he doesn't want to be there

 

The whole weekend fell through cause of bad planning on both your parts.

 

He wasn't changing from the original plan, that had failed.

He was deciding, based on subsequent events, that he would like to be alone that night. And isn't he allowed to do that?

 

You wrote:

I explained that I’m human and than sometimes people change their minds, so I changed my mind

 

But you don't seem to let him do the same.

 

Your posts read like someone who just wants to have their way and win arguments.

 

I can totally see why this would push him away.

 

That, and all the nagging and questioning everything would have me running for the door.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, just telling you how it sounds to me.

 

It sounds from my perspective that you don't really want to be in this relationship. If so, then you are entitled to end it.

 

Edit. And this was before I read your last post.

Just break up with the poor guy.

Edited February 18, 2018 by joseb
Op post

[b1a6]

The whole weekend fell through cause of bad planning on both your parts.

 

He wasn't changing from the original plan, that had failed.

He was deciding, based on subsequent events, that he would like to be alone that night. And isn't he allowed to do that?

 

You wrote:

I explained that I’m human and than sometimes people change their minds, so I changed my mind

 

But you don't seem to let him do the same.

 

Your posts read like someone who just wants to have their way and win arguments.

 

I can totally see why this would push him away.

 

That, and all the nagging and questioning everything would have me running for the door.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, just telling you how it sounds to me.

 

It sounds from my perspective that you don't really want to be in this relationship. If so, then you are entitled to end it.

 

Edit. And this was before I read your last post.

Just break up with the poor guy.

 

I don't think you're being mean but you're accusing me of not being fair to this guy so of course I'm going to defend myself.

 

It's true that I have been questioning him whenever he wants to be alone. I thought it was fair for me to at least know the reason why he doesn't want to spend his free time with him, but I guess I was wrong.

 

I see your point that our plans fell through, but you have to look at the bigger picture here. This is someone who has constantly been changing plans (or not making plans at all) with me since the beginning. I changed my mind ONE time for the first time ever... because he wouldn't stop bringing it up making me feel bad about it! And then he gets all upset about it.

 

I recognized our differences a while ago and made a compromise to plan just two days a week together which I think isn't asking much. I also compromised about where we were going on our trip since he didn't want to go to the countryside so badly. He wasn't excited to spend this weekend with me and I felt that he was using the fact that our plans fell through as a way to escape from me. "Poor guy" yeah he's so poor constantly making me wait to see when he's going to want to meet up next, and then cancel things at the last minute! One time he said wanted to meet up with me after meeting a friend for a "short time" and ended up showing up at my house at 2am! I didn't even get angry at him, I have tried to be cool and understand but he has always been making me worry if he truly likes me. Yeah, I'll go ahead break up with this "poor guy"

[NopeNah]

He did explain to me that he has a "unique" temper. We talked about past relationships and his longest one was two years, with a girl who had a very "calm and cool" personality. He said he dated five girls but broke up with all of them and never gave them a second chance. I thought that was odd and asked why he didn't think about giving a single one another chance, but he said that every time it was too late to change his mind. Sometimes I feel like he is a bit narcissistic.

 

I had a "unique" cocaine problem once,so I stopped doing cocaine. This guy is controlling as hell and HE'S TELLING YOU THAT! To your face..and you're making excuses for him. C'mon..

[Lorenza]

I don't think you're being mean but you're accusing me of not being fair to this guy so of course I'm going to defend myself.

 

It's true that I have been questioning him whenever he wants to be alone. I thought it was fair for me to at least know the reason why he doesn't want to spend his free time with him, but I guess I was wrong.

 

I see your point that our plans fell through, but you have to look at the bigger picture here. This is someone who has constantly been changing plans (or not making plans at all) with me since the beginning. I changed my mind ONE time for the first time ever... because he wouldn't stop bringing it up making me feel bad about it! And then he gets all upset about it.

 

I recognized our differences a while ago and made a compromise to plan just two days a week together which I think isn't asking much. I also compromised about where we were going on our trip since he didn't want to go to the countryside so badly. He wasn't excited to spend this weekend with me and I felt that he was using the fact that our plans fell through as a way to escape from me. "Poor guy" yeah he's so poor constantly making me wait to see when he's going to want to meet up next, and then cancel things at the last minute! One time he said wanted to meet up with me after meeting a friend for a "short time" and ended up showing up at my house at 2am! I didn't even get angry at him, I have tried to be cool and understand but he has always been making me worry if he truly likes me. Yeah, I'll go ahead break up with this "poor guy"

 

For heavens sake, why are you with him?

 

When someone doesn't want to spend their free time with you, isn't excited to do something together, flakes on you, cancels last minute - you don't nag, question or cry to get it your way. You just leave the relationship. All the fundamental things are missing here. There's nothing worth staying for. And don't tell me you two "care for each other", that's not a caring relationship you're describing here.

Do yourself a favor and break up with this guy like a mature woman who makes her own choices.

[basil67]

It's true that I have been questioning him whenever he wants to be alone. I thought it was fair for me to at least know the reason why he doesn't want to spend his free time with him, but I guess I was wrong.

 

He DID give you a reason: He wanted some time to himself. It's a good reason. And given the amount of angst between the two of you, it's perfectly understandable.

 

I see your point that our plans fell through, but you have to look at the bigger picture here. This is someone who has constantly been changing plans (or not making plans at all) with me since the beginning. I changed my mind ONE time for the first time ever... because he wouldn't stop bringing it up making me feel bad about it! And then he gets all upset about it.

 

I recognized our differences a while ago and made a compromise to plan just two days a week together which I think isn't asking much. I also compromised about where we were going on our trip since he didn't want to go to the countryside so badly. He wasn't excited to spend this weekend with me and I felt that he was using the fact that our plans fell through as a way to escape from me. "Poor guy" yeah he's so poor constantly making me wait to see when he's going to want to meet up next, and then cancel things at the last minute! One time he said wanted to meet up with me after meeting a friend for a "short time" and ended up showing up at my house at 2am! I didn't even get angry at him, I have tried to be cool and understand but he has always been making me worry if he truly likes me. Yeah, I'll go ahead break up with this "poor guy"

 

Yup, he's definitely on his way out. Whether by his own choice or yours, this needs to end.

[joseb]

Well, like I said, sounds like he is pulling away.

 

I'm not sure why you don't just break up with him, he isn't making you happy.

[Highndry]

Making mountains out of mole hills and sweating the small stuff is guaranteed to ruin any relationship.

[b1a6]

So... I found out two days ago that he had another girlfriend in China this whole time... and they've been together for two years....

 

He said he never loved me and he only met me because his other gf was busy so he was lonely... I told him he wasted my time and he said that I wasted his time as well... only said sorry one time before that... how can one do such a horrible thing and act like it was no big deal...

 

I found out when his other gf called me from their hotel in China when he was on another "business trip.." I had to answer all her questions about how many times we had sex, bla bla bla... this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me... I asked him how he could be so heartless and he said "The truth is I only love my gf, so of course I'm cold to you" I told him his words were making me feel worse and that the only thing he should be saying is that he is deeply, deeply sorry and regretful for what he did to me.... I can't believe the whole thing was an act? What a trash human being, I can't believe I fell for all his tricks :( The hicky from when he first came back from CHina, all the texting with his "Chinese friend" but I trusted and respected him enough not to snoop his phone, how he wouldn't put me in any of his messenger profile pictures.......it's truly an amazing act he put on, how can I trust anyone after this.... I truly thought he was very loyal and kind...

[d0nnivain]

You didn't "have to" answer her Qs about your affair with this guy. Nobody held a gun to your head.

 

Once you found out about the GF in China & he told you that he only loved her, why did you keep talking to him? Did you really expect him to apologize to you? He has been using you & lying to you all this time.

 

For your sake I hope this is finally the last straw & you have broken up

 

How you trust going forward is to take time to heal & then learn not to ignore red flags: the hickey; the "friend" you knew nothing about. When you see red flags & feel like you want to snoop because there is no trust, listen to your gut.