Boyfriend has a bad temper?

[Gaeta]

You are doing it again b1a6.

 

Well, no, I don't see why he would want to be alone instead of asking me to come along. That way we can still be together the time we planned to be together and his transportation will still be convenient..

Here you are debating what he prefers. He wants what he wants, end of it. You don't see why he would want to be alone it doesn't change the fact he did want to be alone and you didn't respect that. And NO, you don't need to know why he wanted to be alone, you need to trust that if that's what he wants it's because it's the best for him at the moment.

 

Last night my bf decided last minute he was not gonna come over but he'd head to his place for the night. I did not ask him why, I don't need to know why. He's a grown man and if he wants to be alone and head to his place he's free to do it and I don't need an explanation. I trust if he does this it's because he has a need to be alone and at his place.

 

It's not an in-depth analysis, a quick explanation would suffice. .

Why do you need an explanation AT ALL? Can you see how you can be a pain in the neck?

 

I know I'm oversensitive but I think it's a stretch to say I'm controlling. I do not want to control him, I just don't want him to take me for granted since I'm always available to meet him. And it would be nice if he ever showed excitement about meeting me. But thank you for helping me see it from another perspective, I appreciate it. I know I'm not perfect and guys can see me as suffocating. I want to make more friends so that I can have more of my own life so that my S/O doesn't feel the pressure of being my only source of happiness.

Sorry but a woman that needs and explanation as to why her boyfriend prefers to eat inside Macdonald is being controlling. You did not just want to know why, you wanted to debate about it and win the debate.

[b1a6]

You are doing it again b1a6.

 

 

Here you are debating what he prefers. He wants what he wants, end of it. You don't see why he would want to be alone it doesn't change the fact he did want to be alone and you didn't respect that. And NO, you don't need to know why he wanted to be alone, you need to trust that if that's what he wants it's because it's the best for him at the moment.

 

Last night my bf decided last minute he was not gonna come over but he'd head to his place for the night. I did not ask him why, I don't need to know why. He's a grown man and if he wants to be alone and head to his place he's free to do it and I don't need an explanation. I trust if he does this it's because he has a need to be alone and at his place.

I think changing plans at the last minute is one of the rudest things you can do. Why should I respect his change in mind when he is not respecting the plans that we made? Changing things last minute is something I'm supposed to respect??

 

Why do you need an explanation AT ALL? Can you see how you can be a pain in the neck?

 

 

Sorry but a woman that needs and explanation as to why her boyfriend prefers to eat inside Macdonald is being controlling. You did not just want to know why, you wanted to debate about it and win the debate.

Okay, I can see that needing an explanation for him wanting alone time could be annoying.

But I me in the McD situation is controlling? Seriously? Winning the debate?? I let him have it his way in the end, if I was controlling I would have kept pushing him to go eat at his house. Alright, next time in that situation I won't ask why. But "controlling" is a stretch in my opinion.

[gbe2015]

Well, no, I don't see why he would want to be alone instead of asking me to come along. That way we can still be together the time we planned to be together and his transportation will still be convenient.

 

Maybe I'm weird but I just think that's the polite thing to do. Anyways I already said I was wrong in that situation and should have been more understanding that he might find something offending that I don't.

 

I just don't want him to take me for granted and recently it feels like meeting me is like some kind of chore since he always wants to change things at the last minute.

 

 

It's not an in-depth analysis, a quick explanation would suffice.

 

 

I know I'm oversensitive

 

Honestly, you sound like a lot of work. So many little rules in your head that you keep applying to him. And if he doesn't follow them correctly, you cry.

 

Accept him for the way he is or end the relationship. You're trying to get him to live up to your idea of how things are done - guess what - those rules only work for you. It's impossible to expect him to know them all let alone follow them. Let him follow his own life path and be the person he really is .. and if you don't like that person, move on.

[MidwestUSA]

But I me in the McD situation is controlling? Seriously? Winning the debate?? I let him have it his way in the end, if I was controlling I would have kept pushing him to go eat at his house. Alright, next time in that situation I won't ask why. But "controlling" is a stretch in my opinion.

 

 

That would be Burger King.

 

So, you concede you 'let him' have it his way; you're implying control. Cripes. It's a simple matter of clarification. You're in line, and one of you says 'are we eating here, or taking it home?' Done. What are you going to do at home? Drag out the fine china? Why not eat while it's hot, and dump your trash there?

 

How will you deal with REAL conflict?

 

You need to get a handle on the sensitivity and waterworks. There's not much that will drive a guy away more quickly. This one may be done; work on yourself for the next one.

[carhill]

Non-loaded question....would you rather be right or in a relationship? For the purposes of the question it's either/or. There is no correct or incorrect answer.

[Kellens]

I don't find you to be controlling but I do think your boyfriend is clearly annoyed by you. I agree with the other posters that it is definitely an incompatibility issue. I know it's difficult to end a relationship, but this one has only been a few months. Don't you want to be with someone who appreciates who you are as a person? He'll never be that guy. I would get annoyed by your crying but it is unacceptable to me that he called you ugly. That isn't something I would get over. You are young and you'll get better at this. Save yourself even more heartache and just end it with him. Good luck.

[Gaeta]

I let him have it his way in the end, if I was controlling I would have kept pushing him to go eat at his house. Alright, next time in that situation I won't ask why. But "controlling" is a stretch in my opinion.

 

You let him have it his way *at the end* which means you debated so it would be *your way*. How do you call that?

[b1a6]

Non-loaded question....would you rather be right or in a relationship? For the purposes of the question it's either/or. There is no correct or incorrect answer.

 

I would rather be in a relationship. I'm just miserable when I'm single.

 

Despite our supposed incompatibility, I still love this man because of his "gentle manliness", we have the same goals (we both want 3-4 children and want to be with someone who will love us until the day we die), he seems very loyal so I don't think he would ever cheat on me, and he's very physically affectionate (not just sex), he does small things for me to show that he cares like buy me a new set of water bottles when he notices I'm out.

 

Although we fought all weekend, this morning I told him to get ready to leave quickly so he could get to his grandma, but he cuddled with me for 15 mins saying he didn't want to leave.

 

so considering all this, I don't want to give up just yet... it's hard to find good people and impossible to find a perfect person.

[b1a6]

I don't find you to be controlling but I do think your boyfriend is clearly annoyed by you. I agree with the other posters that it is definitely an incompatibility issue. I know it's difficult to end a relationship, but this one has only been a few months. Don't you want to be with someone who appreciates who you are as a person? He'll never be that guy. I would get annoyed by your crying but it is unacceptable to me that he called you ugly. That isn't something I would get over. You are young and you'll get better at this. Save yourself even more heartache and just end it with him. Good luck.

He wasn't really calling me ugly, he was joking to try and make me laugh and stop crying. I didn't like his joke so we both agreed that we would make it clear if we were offended by a joke from now on.

 

I also feel like there are other people out there who could appreciate me more, but how easy could it be to find a person whose personality matches perfectly with mine AND they are so loyal and caring in the other ways that I described? A lot of people here seem to think half of this is my fault, if it's true then maybe I shouldn't give up this relationship but try to be more relaxed from now on.

[Zahara]

Of course we do but is he being unreasonable to expect me to just deal with his temper? How can I deal with it when I never know what’s going to upset him? Of course I like him in many other ways and in some ways he is more polite, caring, and affectionate than the average person, and we enjoy each other’s company. But I feel like a 3 month relationship should not have this much drama already…? Sometimes I feel like ending it before we get even more invested in each other. Do you think I should stick it out a little longer before giving up?

Thank you strangers!

 

I don't have much to add but agree with most posters.

 

I don't see him having a temper but likely annoyance on his part due to your neediness and constant crying. And you have these expectations of him and when he doesn't come through, you react negatively and clingy. Maybe that is why you both experience friction when you communicate in these situations.

 

You need to work on your emotional reactions. At some point it's going to push him away and he's going to see you in a negative light. Maybe it comes from some level of insecurity in you and you need to figure out why otherwise you're going to jeopardize your relationships.

[gbe2015]

I would rather be in a relationship. I'm just miserable when I'm single. .

 

 

hmmm .. ok. That is not a reason to be in a relationship. If someone said that to me on a date I'd end it right there.

 

You are putting way too many expectations on him and the relationship. And he & the relationship will not live up to them, I guarantee you that.

 

You need to learn to be happy with yourself while being single. IMO, you shouldn't be in a relationship at all until you get yourself sorted out. You're what I call the taker in the relationship dynamic .. you'll just drain it till it ends because it's your only source of happiness.

Edited February 16, 2018 by gbe2015

[b1a6]

I don't have much to add but agree with most posters.

 

I don't see him having a temper but likely annoyance on his part due to your neediness and constant crying. And you have these expectations of him and when he doesn't come through, you react negatively and clingy. Maybe that is why you both experience friction when you communicate in these situations.

 

You need to work on your emotional reactions. At some point it's going to push him away and he's going to see you in a negative light. Maybe it comes from some level of insecurity in you and you need to figure out why otherwise you're going to jeopardize your relationships.

 

I'm very aware of this... my first boyfriend from four years ago broke up with me for that reason. And I'm really scared of it happening again. Every guy I've been with has treated me like crap and it has made me a little insecure.

 

My insecurity may cause me to overreact to a situation because I'm afraid that he'll break up with me. Not that I haven't been a dumper before, my ex bf was always putting me on this pedestal but treating me horribly otherwise so I ended it.

 

I always end up crying when someone is mad at me. My family, friends, a stranger, if there is conflict with anybody it is my natural reaction and I don't know how to stop it.

 

I think my insecurity is not my biggest issue though, but the fact that I don't have much of a life. If I had more friends or something to do like a language class or gym membership, I wouldn't feel so sad about seeing my bf 2 days a week. It's been tough for me in this country that is not my own, but when the winter ends I will do my best to change all that. That way I can stop being needy and annoying to my b.f. who maybe was more excited about meeting me in the beginning.....

[Gaeta]

I would rather be in a relationship. I'm just miserable when I'm single.

 

People that are miserable when by themselves often end up making their new partner miserable because they look toward that new partner to make them feel happy and whole, while it's your job as a human being to become happy and whole *before* entering a relationship.

 

You are a very young woman with her whole life ahead of hers. You already know you have issues, so please look into correcting those issues before they become permanent issues and you find yourself on here at 40 still not understanding why you cannot find happiness in a relationship.

[b1a6]

hmmm .. ok. That is not a reason to be in a relationship. If someone said that to me on a date I'd end it right there.

 

You are putting way too many expectations on him and the relationship. And he & the relationship will not live up to them, I guarantee you that.

 

You need to learn to be happy with yourself while being single. IMO, you shouldn't be in a relationship at all until you get yourself sorted out. You're what I call the taker in the relationship dynamic .. you'll just drain it till it ends because it's your only source of happiness.

 

I know that. Everyone says that. "You can't be loved until you love yourself" "You need to be happy single before you get into a relationship"

I really want to have more a life outside of my S/O but it's difficult making new friends in the adult world But I'll keep trying my best to change that. It's hard to get out in the cold winter

[Gaeta]

I really want to have more a life outside of my S/O but it's difficult making new friends in the adult world But I'll keep trying my best to change that. It's hard to get out in the cold winter

 

Find a hobby you enjoy, join groups of people that share that same interest, get into sports, cooking classes, anything.

 

Yes it's hard to get out in cold winters, I know too well I am located in Canada but if at 52 I find the will and energy to get out each day at -30 you certainly can do it at 23 years old.

[Zahara]

I would rather be in a relationship. I'm just miserable when I'm single.

 

This sounds very unhealthy and toxic. I hope you have some self-awareness into what this comment means.

 

I always end up crying when someone is mad at me. My family, friends, a stranger, if there is conflict with anybody it is my natural reaction and I don't know how to stop it.

 

I think my insecurity is not my biggest issue though, but the fact that I don't have much of a life. If I had more friends or something to do like a language class or gym membership, I wouldn't feel so sad about seeing my bf 2 days a week. It's been tough for me in this country that is not my own, but when the winter ends I will do my best to change all that. That way I can stop being needy and annoying to my b.f. who maybe was more excited about meeting me in the beginning.....

 

Maybe you should see a therapist and seek help into digging deeper as to why you feel this way. Find out why you're so emotionally fragile.

 

Why can't you do these things yourself? You seem very dependent and clingy on others to fulfill your life. I've gone to classes alone. I see my boyfriend sometimes only on the weekends and it doesn't bother me because I have my own life to live and sometimes enjoy my alone time.

 

Don't wait till the winter ends. Start stepping out of your comfort zone. Sign up for those classes. Go spend some time volunteering. Take a short trip on your own. Go to an exercise class. Go to some meetups and meet other women. Create a circle of friends.

[Lorenza]

OP, you don't have to walk on eggshells and try to be "on your best behavior", but it neither should you have your own understanding of what's right and wrong as the only guideline. That doesn't work in a relationship.

His rights and wrongs aren't above yours either. You two don't seem to be mature enough to accept it. At your age I was exactly the same.

 

Don't be so shaky. If you prefer a different thing, then stand for it and calmly explain why you'd like it, don't change your opinion back and forth. He isn't the only one to decide where you two should eat or what to do when you're together. However, if you don't have a clear preference and couldn't care less, then agree with his. It's as easy as that. Why someone would like to eat at a Macdonalds isn't some psychological puzzle you have to solve. I'd go crazy if someone questioned me about why I like tomatoes more than cucumbers or why I'd to eat at a booth rather than a table. Just let it be!

 

Don't cry if someone is a little bit stern with you. It's a child's reaction to something that doesn't go her way. There's no productive way to deal with someone sobbing, instead of an adult conversation, there's one sided comforting and apologizing. He's not your parent. If you feel like his anger is unjustified, then you either talk or give each other space. Once again, he isn't automatically right and neither are you.

We all cry sometimes. But someone having a cold tone over a misunderstanding about a takeaway is not a reason to cry. It's a fact.

 

Pretending something is funny is not polite. It's rather dishonest to both parts. Would you pretend it's funny if someone mocks your mother? Or your ideals? I don't laugh when someone makes "bacon" jokes at me after finding out I'm vegan. The person doesn't respect me, what is there to be polite about? Your bf felt the same.

[b1a6]

This sounds very unhealthy and toxic. I hope you have some self-awareness into what this comment means.

Well, I don't know... depression does run in my family. My mother has it and my brother was depressed to the point of suicide up until last year.

I hate my current job and have been questioning if this is really the field I want to work in. I also feel guilt daily because I broke my father's heart by moving to the other side of the world. I moved because I was empty and unfulfilled in the US, but not much has changed besides the fact that I have a much higher and more stable income.

 

Maybe you should see a therapist and seek help into digging deeper as to why you feel this way. Find out why you're so emotionally fragile.

 

Why can't you do these things yourself? You seem very dependent and clingy on others to fulfill your life. I've gone to classes alone. I see my boyfriend sometimes only on the weekends and it doesn't bother me because I have my own life to live and sometimes enjoy my alone time.

I don't like being alone. It's scary being alone so much. It's boring. I like being I go to cafe's alone just to be around other people and sometimes I do enjoy reading a book there by myself, and I enjoy shopping alone, but after a while doing the same thing over and over gets boring. I don't need to be with someone else constantly, right now I just have way too much alone time.

 

Don't wait till the winter ends. Start stepping out of your comfort zone. Sign up for those classes. Go spend some time volunteering. Take a short trip on your own. Go to an exercise class. Go to some meetups and meet other women. Create a circle of friends.

You're right, I do need to be more proactive.

[Gaeta]

I wouldn't feel so sad about seeing my bf 2 days a week

 

I would not date a man that can only see me 2 times a week. At some point you have to make good healthy choices for yourself and to decline what you know will have a negative impact on you.

 

You only see each other twice a week, you've been dating 3 months and you fight all the time. Is that a good healthy choice? No. I know you like him but liking someone isn't enough to sustain a long term relationship.

[b1a6]

Find a hobby you enjoy, join groups of people that share that same interest, get into sports, cooking classes, anything.

 

Yes it's hard to get out in cold winters, I know too well I am located in Canada but if at 52 I find the will and energy to get out each day at -30 you certainly can do it at 23 years old.

 

Haha, I guess that's right... I feel like an old woman already though, the coldness just zaps out all my energy. I tried signing up for language classes this month but there weren't enough students so they couldn't hold the class. I am crossing my fingers that I can find a class for next month, I am planning to get that gym membership and I am starting a new job next month as well! Thanks for the advice despite our disagreements btw

[Gaeta]

I don't like being alone. It's scary being alone so much. It's boring. I like being I go to cafe's alone just to be around other people and sometimes I do enjoy reading a book there by myself, and I enjoy shopping alone, but after a while doing the same thing over and over gets boring. I don't need to be with someone else constantly, right now I just have way too much alone time.

.

 

b1a6 you made the choice to move from the US to the other side of the globe. Of course you had to know there would be many moments of loneliness untill you got integrated is this new society. It is your responsibility to join this community. Maybe there are American's groups you can join.

[b1a6]

Why someone would like to eat at a Macdonalds isn't some psychological puzzle you have to solve. I'd go crazy if someone questioned me about why I like tomatoes more than cucumbers or why I'd to eat at a booth rather than a table. Just let it be!

LOL! Asking why someone would rather sit at a booth than a table is totally something I would do :laugh:

 

Don't cry if someone is a little bit stern with you. It's a child's reaction to something that doesn't go her way. There's no productive way to deal with someone sobbing, instead of an adult conversation, there's one sided comforting and apologizing. He's not your parent. If you feel like his anger is unjustified, then you either talk or give each other space. Once again, he isn't automatically right and neither are you.

We all cry sometimes. But someone having a cold tone over a misunderstanding about a takeaway is not a reason to cry. It's a fact.

Well, after the crying we always have a discussion to talk it out and then everything becomes fine again. I know my reaction is not good but I just don't know how to control it when it just happens automatically.

 

Pretending something is funny is not polite. It's rather dishonest to both parts. Would you pretend it's funny if someone mocks your mother? Or your ideals? I don't laugh when someone makes "bacon" jokes at me after finding out I'm vegan. The person doesn't respect me, what is there to be polite about? Your bf felt the same.

Okay, of COURSE I don't think you have to pretend those kinds of jokes are funny... those examples are extreme. I meant like, when my boyfriend makes a pun joke which I don't actually enjoy, I will act like it's funny so he doesn't feel bad. I didn't think my joke was akin to mocking his mom. I honestly thought that he was telling me to stop because it simply wasn't funny the way that I don't find his pun jokes funny. Not because he was actually offended. After crying he explained his feelings more and then I understood and I did apologize to him.

[Lorenza]

 

Okay, of COURSE I don't think you have to pretend those kinds of jokes are funny... those examples are extreme. I meant like, when my boyfriend makes a pun joke which I don't actually enjoy, I will act like it's funny so he doesn't feel bad. I didn't think my joke was akin to mocking his mom. I honestly thought that he was telling me to stop because it simply wasn't funny the way that I don't find his pun jokes funny. Not because he was actually offended. After crying he explained his feelings more and then I understood and I did apologize to him.

 

But you were mocking him, so that's not so far away from my examples. For someone, it's really funny and witty to make vegan jokes and I'm usually told to "relax" if I tell them to stop. They don't think it's extreme. But I do. So it's quite relative.

[b1a6]

But you were mocking him, so that's not so far away from my examples. For someone, it's really funny and witty to make vegan jokes and I'm usually told to "relax" if I tell them to stop. They don't think it's extreme. But I do. So it's quite relative.

 

Yeah, you're right. I know for sure I won't be mocking him any more..

[olivetree]

I think there's a couple of things going on here.

 

One is that he is clearly annoyed by you a lot of the time.

You do sweat the small stuff, which I assume is because you're insecure and think that if he gives in to you it is validation that he loves/cares about you.

 

Two, you either want different things in a relationship, or this is the way he is acting because he is losing interest.

You want more time together, he wants less.

He's not a huge communicator / doesn't feel the need to explain himself.

The opposite would probably be good for you.

 

Your relationship sounds like an old married couple that is tired of each other, not a romance that has just taken off.

 

Sure, you've not acted that great but with someone else surely it would be easier and wouldn't bring that out in you so much.

I think if it's this much of a battle now, you probably aren't a very good fit.