littleblackheart Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 She’s not my ex. She’s someone who used me for sex and personal gain. Taking that little girl all weekend is not to get her back, but to keep my daughter safe from her intoxicated driving from her weekend binges. Yes, I get that. You also said you tried to make her your gf and she said no in a previous post, so either you are a very selfless father or you're letting your emotions for your ex (love, hate, frustration, anger all at the same time) run away with you. You can still be a good father and keep your distance from your ex. If you're concetned about your child's satefy, ask for full custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 (edited) Actually, her getting pregnant is what she’s done to ruin my life, thanks for assuming it was. It’s the fact she sabotaged a relationship I had with a girl I really liked, made up all these stories that aren’t true. Tells other girls intimate details about my life that I really don’t like to share, and then constantly texts me for sex. She is always manipulating me and making me feel worse about myself than I already do. And for the record I had a really bad childhood that I hate talking about. Yes, I did use a condom. I repeatedly asked if she was on birth control, and she said yes. In my eyes, that was probably another form of manipulation because she knew how much I liked her at the time. She was the girl I had the biggest crush on and for whatever reason we just never got together until then. Sorry dude, it’s hard to be sympathetic and nice to someone who admits to not loving their own child. If you hate the mom so much, why don’t you treat the mom that way? And I still don’t feel that you’re justified in your actions even with the new details that you’ve provided. The fact is, it doesn’t matter what your ex has done to you, that is not a reason to take it out on your child. Stop being a victim, take control of the situation. If you were mistreated as a child, get into therapy so that you don’t continue the cycle. If your ex is spreading your business to your new love interests, block her on all social media so that she can’t see who your new friends are and who your new love interests might be. Texts you for sex? It’s time to utilize your self control and stop having sex with someone you claim to hate. I repeatedly asked if she was on birth control, and she said yes. In my eyes, that was probably another form of manipulation. You swear up and down that you used a condom consistently. The same way it’s possible for pregnancy to occur with condom use, is the same way pregnancy can occur while on birth control. Unless she told you that she lied about BC, you don’t know that she wasn’t on birth control. So, sorry to be harsh, but stop playing the victim. The pregnancy happened, the only way to 100% prevent it was to not have sex. But you did. You made the choice to have with sex with her, so you have to live with the consequences of the choice you made. You had a huge crush on a girl, had a fling, and found out that she isn’t the nicest person ever. That’s not a reason to treat your child poorly. I understand that it's easier said than done, but you talk like you have no control over any of your actions. You do, and it's not right to treat your child poorly because of your decisions. Treat your child like gold and your ex like crap...problem solved. Edited February 16, 2018 by Yosemite 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 She’s not my ex. She’s someone who used me for sex and personal gain. Taking that little girl all weekend is not to get her back, but to keep my daughter safe from her intoxicated driving from her weekend binges. Well, you obviously love your daughter enough to want to protect her! My suggestion, seek counseling and find it in you to open your heart on all levels so you can be the best daddy to your little girl. Since there is stuff from your past and childhood that irks you about being around kids (even your own) that can be fixed. Those issues aren't going to go away until you face them and deal with them in a healthy way. Your kid deserves your unconditional love so please, fix what's broken inside of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cool frank Posted February 18, 2018 Author Share Posted February 18, 2018 Today we were bored, and our local music shop was having a sale. So we went and picked up a keyboard and she’s just loving it. Maybe this’ll be something we can do together. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Today we were bored, and our local music shop was having a sale. So we went and picked up a keyboard and she’s just loving it. Maybe this’ll be something we can do together. that's an awesome connection to nurture...music..its a way to start to bond.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Today we were bored, and our local music shop was having a sale. So we went and picked up a keyboard and she’s just loving it. Maybe this’ll be something we can do together. This is great, Cool frank! Wish I could "like" this post a thousand times! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Cool frank, kudos to you for your self-awareness, and frankness in your replies. It is refreshing. Actually, her getting pregnant is what she’s done to ruin my life, Cool frank, the mother of your daughter becoming pregnant did NOT happen in a vacuum, and without your willing participation at the time of conception! But. What you're struggling with is just a normal part and experience of most any first-time parent, (so you don't need to feel that you're out of the ordinary or 'abnormal' in any way.) All that it'll take, is to figure out a way to not feel guilty when you need a babysitter because you have normal, adult needs for normal, adult social interactions, including sex if and when you want it and you have a willing partner; or 'abnormal' for having such needs in the first place. On the other hand, and regardless of your age or other life dreams, you have now been a willing participant in the act that brings new children into this world. So it's no longer constructive for you to think in terms of "what my child is doing is 'not a good look' to score me new/other romantic, love or sexual partners." In the interest of brevity, I would offer for you to look up books, resources, professionals that can help you be the best of who you are for the rest of your life, given that you have already sired a child. Based on what you've already posted, 'abandonment issues', 'childhood clinginess', 'parent selfishness'. Also, 'emotional intelligence'. Wishing you and your daughter all of the best in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CupCakess Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 She’s not my ex. She’s someone who used me for sex and personal gain. Taking that little girl all weekend is not to get her back, but to keep my daughter safe from her intoxicated driving from her weekend binges. The fact that you feel like this should give you some proof that you do love and care for your daughter. Sure, its not perfect and you have a lot of issues regarding the mother, the situation, how things developed, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I appreciate your candor. Now, I'm not into four-year-olds either. It's good your basic protection instinct was there when it was needed. Kids that age are at their worst. So hang in there and remember one basic training rule and wait it out until she's not an out of control toddler anymore. Another couple of years. Basic rule: Only reward good, quiet behavior. Don't give her attention only when she's loudly demanding it. Wait until she's acting quiet and then give her attention and she'll eventually learn you like her best when she's not going nuts. Same way with food or toys or whatever. Let her know that once she quietens down and settles down, she'll get a cookie or whatever. It's one simple rule. You do need to train her to stay in her own bed. Tell her the whole house is totally safe and that she needs to stay in her room and you will check on her once she's asleep. I don't know how much custody you have, but I don't think they can force joint custody on you. And that's up to the court, not the mother. it's something to be determined in Court, but I don't think you should try to buy her off and leave the poor girl fatherless. The child does deserve a father, so make the best of it and things will get better as she gets a little older and isn't an out of control toddler age (about 7) and then eventually she'll care more about her friends than you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Your choice to be a parent here is not optional. You are the parent whether you like it or not. And so the child is your responsibility. Money isn't good enough... you have a responsibility to act the part. The poor little girl! Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Cool Frank you're very young, and correspondingly immature to take this on. Not everyone is at your age... but it does appear that you are developmentally. (Which is kinda understandable before 25 with a prefrontal cortex that's not fully developed and without a stable relationship/ context to support its growth.) Where are your parents in this? If they're in your life I'd say consult and spend time with them with your daughter. I'm not saying dump her on mom and dad and do a runner, but rather share the burden and experience the joy of grandparents in their grandchild. And your siblings if you have them. Aunts and or uncles can be doting blessings. If you don't like her mother... fine. If you can't make a functional nuclear family... fine. Make her a safe space otherwise. Maybe through the love of those you love (and love you) you can make your daughter a 'family' that eventually you'll be a caring part of for her too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drakon12 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 It's not the same thing but I don't like my 7 year-old cousin either. Her mom is a total bitch, she's delusional and she loves drama, also hooked my uncle for the sole purpose of having a baby and have her way with everything. Insulted my parents and grandparents numereous times. My uncle has a liver disease and he even got a liver transplant in the past and he's constantly sick. Even knowing this she makes him do chores, making him carry heavy stuff, drive for long hours, and she won't cook or clean. I hate her and even though I know it's wrong I can't stop myself feeling the similar emotions to her daughter. She resembles her mom so much. Every time when I look at my cousin, I remember her mother and how I hate her. What's that got to do with you? Maybe your emotions for your daughter's mother are channeled at your daughter. After everything, you just wanted to get laid and she had to put you in this mess. I only read your first post but it's possible that you may be resenting her. Link to post Share on other sites
georgiagirlie Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Agree with most other posters. You're a young guy and you need some free weekends to yourself. Wow, I just don't understand how everyone is bending over backwards to support the OP here. I can refer you guys to my thread earlier when I was upset my boyfriend had cancelled a dinner on me, and everyone was jumping down my throat that "KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST". Well, I havent heard one person here say his daughter should come first. Everyone is just being weirdly "understanding"....... Who are you people? Lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Kids should always come first 100 percent of the time. for whatever reason, this poor child needs a parent on weekends and someone has to parent this kid on weekends. Parenting isn't always fun either. This weekend my son is grounded from electronics. Do you think that's going to be easy for me as a parent to have her son nagging at her and begging her all weekend for a video game. It's hard but what's best for him and I prepared myself to keep his attention on other things so neither of us get stressed out. I love my son and grounding is hard at this age. They are stubburn, and I know this entire weekend will not be easy but that's life. Kids come first and it means in most cases, you come second. Depending on how many children you have. There are times you can do things for yourself but after they are taken care of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cool frank Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Cool Frank you're very young, and correspondingly immature to take this on. Not everyone is at your age... but it does appear that you are developmentally. (Which is kinda understandable before 25 with a prefrontal cortex that's not fully developed and without a stable relationship/ context to support its growth.) Where are your parents in this? If they're in your life I'd say consult and spend time with them with your daughter. I'm not saying dump her on mom and dad and do a runner, but rather share the burden and experience the joy of grandparents in their grandchild. And your siblings if you have them. Aunts and or uncles can be doting blessings. If you don't like her mother... fine. If you can't make a functional nuclear family... fine. Make her a safe space otherwise. Maybe through the love of those you love (and love you) you can make your daughter a 'family' that eventually you'll be a caring part of for her too. My mother was killed in an accident with a drunk driver when I was 12 and my father was killed in a robbery when I was about 8 he was a bad person. My brother lives out of state, and I’d follow him if I had the money. So, no real familia support. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Really sorry about you losing your parents. You didn't have much chance to get parental modeling from them. You know, I sympathize because you didn't want kids, but if you're going to have sex, you do always have to take all precautions and then still be aware that an accident can happen or that someone may have been planning for it to happen, and the sad truth is, just the same as I'd tell a teen mother who made this mistake, it's done now, and you have this responsibility. You may be able to cut back on some of the visitation through the court system, but I don't blame the mother for wanting some time off from her and wanting you to take responsibility either, and I don't really care why. It's not easy and this age is horrendous, but you owe this child to at least give it your very best shot at making her feel loved and guiding her into maturity. And I have high hopes that you will form that bond once you get the resentment out of your system and just accept that this is how things are now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 I’m sorry, I thought I responded when you first asked this. Yes, paternity was established. Interesting in that I have an employee I was helping with some personal leave paperwork. And while I didn't ask him what it was for (not allowed), he volunteered he was traveling to another city to try and reestablish a relationship with a now-adult son he walked away from when the child was your daughter's age. Said it was something he had to do. I wonder what advice 44-year old Cool frank would give you ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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