I don’t think I love my daughter

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree with some who have suggested an every other weekend visitation schedule with your daughter.

 

You need a free weekend without your daughter and in your place I'd do what it takes to get one. Such as to tell your child's mother that you may need to contact an attorney to get the ball rolling to get every other weekend free.

 

You could see your daughter for a couple of hours mid week at best to make up for it. Or if you're not ready for that, which it sounds to me as if might be the case, limit it to every other weekend.

 

I know some young divorced dads who are crazy about their kids, yet still need that every other free weekend. That might be part of your problem with your daughter right there, even though it seems to you it's her attitude and personality.

 

I agree with CO who said something like the reason your daughter resents the attention of any other female toward you is because she is desperate for you.

 

If you hate your daughter, of course, do as Mrin said and tell her you are going to be away for awhile due to your wanting to protect her.

 

But, you sound like a decent guy who just doesn't have the feels and/or has some resentment about becoming a dad this early under these conditions. In your place I'd get with a counselor or pastor and work this thing out with him. You just don't realize the importance of a good dad on a child.

 

Also, could you post a little about your own relationship with both your mom and dad? Do you have a relationship with your father?

Edited February 14, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease

[GorillaTheater]

I wish I had useful advice, but this thread just makes me sad.

[littleblackheart]

After reading CO, June and LWP, I realise I was projecting on you, OP and read your post too literally - my apologies.

 

Maybe it really is a simple case of you needing a breather at the w/e - does your daughter's mother work at the w/e? Why does she not stay with her mother for any w/e?

[Cool frank]

I’ve had her every weekend since she was old enough to not need her mom. When she was first born I stayed with them to help. I tried to get her mom to be my girlfriend and she didn’t want me. So, I went home.

 

Mom parties on the weekends, doesn’t work. When she does go to her little preschool thing, she takes her. I picked her up once when she was sick.

 

They’ve been calling asking to come over because apparently she made me a valentine and wants to give it to me. I don’t even want them here. So I haven’t responded.

[todreaminblue]

Okay dude, I'll help you unpack it. We are going to unpack it in a certain order. It has to be in this order because if at any time you say "yes" you have your answer - we stop. There is no "yes, but..." when it comes to this. Okay? Got it? Hear me out

 

Disclaimer: I'm a father of two daughters.

 

Duty: What are you obligated to do?

Question #1: Is her mom a bad/dangerous mother?

Notice I didn't ask if she was a good mom. Just a bad mom. A dangerous mom. Are there drugs involved? Is she wantonly neglectful of your daughter? Does she put your daughter in dangerous situations or around dangerous people? Etc...

 

If you answer yes to this question, then stop right there. Your duty as a father, as a man and as a human is to ensure that your daughter isn't raised by a harmful parent. Period. I don't care if you didn't want your daughter. I don't care how she came about. Your duty as her father is to make sure she's not in a dangerous or destructive situation. So if you answered yes, then you need to exercise your paternal rights and either get your daughter into a better situation (grandparents etc) or man up and be a good father. That means more time not less. Sorry - your wants, needs and desires don't matter at this stage.

 

Question #2: Are you a dangerous dad?

I'm not talking about whether you're caring or compassionate - we'll get to that later. I'm talking about whether you pose an existential danger to your daughter. Are you an addict? Are you abusive? Sorry to ask this but - are you a pedophile? Do you keep company that poses a danger to your daughter's safety?

 

If your answer is yes then it is your duty to remove yourself from your daughter's life until you can clean yourself up so you aren't a threat to your daughter. Period.

 

Assuming you said no to this question as well, we turn to:

 

Desire: What should you do?

Question #3: Are you incapable of ever being compassionate with your daughter?

If the answer to this is yes, then you should remove yourself from your daughter's life. It is obvious she has bonded with you but not you to her. If you continue this, your daughter will constantly be seeking your love and that will never happen. She will grow up seeking affirmation, validation and love to an unhealthy extent from other men. You will have screwed her up before she even got a chance at a healthy life. Meet with an attorney, find out what you can do to remove your parental visitation rights. Confront and force it through with the mother.

 

Question #4: Can you be a good dad?

Look deep inside. Can you be a good dad? Even if you don't feel it. Can you be a positive influence on your daughter's life? If so, you probably should continue to be in your daughter's life. If you can improve her situation or upbringing, then you should.

 

Question #5: Would you be a better parent than her mom?

This is where we get into all of the intangibles and it is just a gut call. We've already established that neither of you are threats. Now it is just a matter of deciding who can be a better parent. If you can be a better parent than her mom, then you should be. If not, then....

 

If you got here by answering "no" to all of the questions above: then you should do what you want. And that sounds like leaving or reducing yourself in your daughter's life.

 

Saying Goodbye: If you decide to leave your daughter's life you must do this. I don't care if you have to method act this, you have to do it. You need to sit down with your four year old daughter and tell her that you love her very much. You love her so much that you are going to have to go away and not see her anymore because there are things with your life (make something up) that aren't good for her and you don't want anything bad to ever happen to her. Don't promise you'll come back. Just make sure she knows that you love her, that she didn't do anything wrong and that you are going away to make sure she is safe. I guarantee that she will think she's done something bad or wrong and you have to change her mind.

 

Final Note: Look man, I'm going to say some hard words here but I think you need to hear them. You seem very self absorbed, selfish, immature and uncaring. That might just be your age. Or your situation in life. Or the fact that you feel this situation was forced on you. Doesn't matter. If you got to the bottom of that unpacking and are still trying to figure out what to do, do yourself a favor and take some time to get real with yourself. Look deep inside and see if there is anything there that you don't know about. If you're religious, go talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi, imam - whatever your flavor. Do some personal development. Take the Landmark Forum. Go to a Tony Robbins event. Just take some time to step away from all of the BS stuff you listed and ask yourself what sort of man do you want to be. Make a good decision. For your daughter. For her mother. And yes, for yourself. You're drawing with permanent ink here buddy and your decision will impact the lives of many including your grandchildren someday.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

your post is so full of thought so insightful so just ...so just.so caring..its on repeat from me..wonderful post...deb

[littleblackheart]

I’ve had her every weekend since she was old enough to not need her mom. When she was first born I stayed with them to help. I tried to get her mom to be my girlfriend and she didn’t want me. So, I went home.

 

Mom parties on the weekends, doesn’t work. When she does go to her little preschool thing, she takes her. I picked her up once when she was sick.

 

They’ve been calling asking to come over because apparently she made me a valentine and wants to give it to me. I don’t even want them here. So I haven’t responded.

 

That gives a clearer picture of the situation. Sorry again OP, for jumping the gun.

 

Do you still have feelings for your daughter's mother? Maybe you're projecting your past hurt onto her, unconscienciously?

[Yosemite]

You’ve got 9 years until your child is a teen and then she won’t want to spend any time with you anyway. You see her 8 days out of the month, can you really not just act like you care for 2 days a week? You should be able to pretend to care for the scant amount of time that you spend with her…4 year olds aren’t that hard to fool.

 

Try renegotiating the visitation so that you have her a couple nights out of the week so that you have every other weekend free.

 

She didn’t ask to be conceived, but you willingly had sex with the knowledge that condoms aren’t 100%.

 

Was it during your visitation when she almost drowned? Did it happen because you weren’t paying attention because you don’t care about her? I’m surprised her mother ever let you have her again after that…maybe her mother doesn’t love her either. Do her grandparents want to spend time with her? Can you drop her off with your parents when you have visitation, or let your parents spend a few hours with her if you want to go to a party?

 

I realize that you don't care about her, but be very careful about your adult friends that you allow to be around her. Don't let anyone be alone with her. Pedophiles exist, hopefully you have enough humanity to not want that to happen to her even if you don't love her.

 

Just suck it up for a few days a month until she's a teen and you'll have the rest of your life to be free.

 

Sorry if this post is harsh, but the way you're treating your daughter is worse.

[JuneL]

I get the feeling the mom may just want you to babysit the daughter on weekends so that she can get out partying. I think you need to get an attorney to split the weekends and maybe you can see you one night during the week?

[todreaminblue]

op im really glad you came back and had this thread reopened it might seem selfish of me...believe me when i say ....your thread bought quite a few tears ....it gives me a chance of some closure

 

im going to appeal to your heart from a grandparents point of view...i have three two sixers and an eight year old boy...two of them i dont see anymore .....which broke my heart.....but i gave an ultimatum to the mother and the mothers parents when the mother abandoned them with me for four days she had removed them from school and they werent attending... so she could party and sleep with randoms while they sat and watched tv in the loungeroom...my grandkids were at risk.... ....if she didnt move in with them and get their support i was calling child services....and going for custody...her parents begged me not to that they would take them in and the mother would get the help she needed....im happy to report that they are in school in a country town with the mum under care and the kids they are safe.and i am in contact with the other set of grandparents.......which leaves me to my other granddaughter..same situation ...i enforced again my guardianship and grandparent rights to protect her....keep her safe....i have partial custody and i would have no hesitation if i felt it necessary to take full custody.....my daughter will not fight my decisions

 

heres where i want to appeal to your heart...

 

step up brother...please step up to the plate...put your own selfishness aside ...your desires....your wants...and take full responsibility for who you are now....which is a dad....you might not want to have been a dad..tough you are...and from what you have written you could be a good one...you have standards ...you are willing to discipline..go easy on the spanking and make disciplining consistent with real love.........as far as the mum goes ......

 

you need free time......set custody up so that allows you to have time alone....time to adjust time to recharge and develop real father skills.....time to socialise....every parent needs that......enlist the grandparents support..if you need to.......i do feel you can love your daughter as she should be loved...stop calling her a snot for starters ....she is part of you...if she is as you say a snot she gets it from her parents...its either she gets it from you or its because she doesnt get what she needs from you..so you change your behaviors.....

 

the mother needs to step up to and not say ....no you have to take her she is in love with you...she isnt "in love" with you....she loves you.....and children can love many people....you have to want to accept responsibility...please do .....be honest always with the mum of your daughter... how you feel ....

 

the world is becoming nations of grandparents raising grandchildren because parents are feeling entitled......to abandon their children ...the father of my granddaughter is a mess ...parties all the time..takes drugs.....is an alcoholic and its woe is me for him.....he never got over his mum dying....my son the father of my other grandchildren is in goal because he tried to go up and see them...stole a car on ice........he is fried on drugs

 

i have had word ...that inmates are saying he is almost a vegetable in there cant even speak proper english.....shuffling around like an old man i pray to god i can get help with docs and meds for his brain to heal so he can be the dad he is supposed to be....

 

and i have to tell you...i have three adult children on drugs and yes..two of them young women the dad my ex.... abandoned as young girls...... history repeats...

 

now i need to say do you see what you do will affect generations do you see its not all about you.....please....do whats right....please....find the love op....find it and hold on to it...there's support out there for you and for your child....don't be ashamed to ask for help........seek it out ...get the mum to do it too...parenting classes...counsellors do it all.......be the best parent you can be ...consistently...and always.....adn one day down the track when you are old and feeble it may be your daughters and daughters daughters eyes you just cant wait to see when she comes to visit you when you have no one else that does......generations op ...you are just one ripple...make it count..i will have prayers for you and your daughter and the mum...i wish for you.....strength and a compassionate heart to do what you really know is right to do....deb

Edited February 15, 2018 by todreaminblue

[MrCongeniality]

From what little I've read it seems OP does care about his dauhgter he just needs to grow up and it sounds like the mom is putting a lot on him and he's misdirecting his frustration. From what I skimmed OP and I'm just warning you if you cut your daughter out of your life you might end up hating yourself years down the road. You might find her annoying irritating but for all you know if she's out of your life you'll likely start missing her.

 

Take it from a guy whose dad was around for the weekends and slowly drifted in and out your daughter will be screwed up if you cut her out of your life and she will hate you for it. She will wonder if it is her fault your not around and then she will hate herself and years will pass and she'll hate you and it won't matter if you try making an amends the sight of you alone will make her blood boil. So think about if you want your daughter to hate you before you make a decision to not be in her life.

Edited February 15, 2018 by MrCongeniality

[LivingWaterPlease]

From what little I've read it seems OP does care about his dauhgter he just needs to grow up and it sounds like the mom is putting a lot on him and he's misdirecting his frustration. From what I skimmed OP and I'm just warning you if you cut your daughter out of your life you might end up hating yourself years down the road. You might find her annoying irritating but for all you know if she's out of your life you'll likely start missing her.

 

I agree and have thought this, too, Mr. C!

 

True love for a person is doing what is in their best interest and the fact that it bothers OP that his daughter is a "little snot," as I believe he put it, to me shows caring and concern. One way to help your child get along in the world is to recognize things they do that are annoying to you because those same things will be annoying to others. Then you can figure out ways to help them do differently. That's why it would be good for OP to see a counselor about this, because he recognizes a need in the child to do better. Nothing wrong with noticing that need.

 

Also, I have grandchildren who can be annoying at times, too. I'm crazy about them. But, when they're annoying I don't much enjoy being around them. Thankfully, I've reared children so know how to cope with it but OP, you may need some tips on how to cope.

 

The fact that you've been there every weekend to take care of her says much to me and I noticed that when she almost drowned you wanted to cuddle her afterwards.

 

Seems to me one of your main problems in this is that you never get a free weekend and that's not right, imo. I believe if you could get visitation relegated to every other weekend and get with a counselor about the rest you would begin to find ways of learning to appreciate and like your daughter. The child's mother really needs to step up to the plate, imo, and do some weekend parenting a couple weekends a month!

 

Please take some action to do these two things! You'll be so much happier and so will your daughter.

[Mrin]

your post is so full of thought so insightful so just ...so just.so caring..its on repeat from me..wonderful post...deb

 

Thank you deb.

 

This is a really tough situation. As much as I want to slap the snot out of the OP and call him all sorts of names, I have to give him credit for wrestling with the situation and seeking advice. Truth be told - he's in a crappy situation and has the introspection to seek counsel. I am not entirely sure how I would react if this is happened to me at 24.

 

There are no easy solutions for the OP unless he miraculously decides to embrace fatherhood and bond with his daughter. You can't fake that. It either happens or it doesn't. My heart breaks for everyone involved

[anika99]

Agree with most other posters.

 

You're a young guy and you need some free weekends to yourself. The mom can't force every weekend on you. As others have said, offer every second weekend and one night during the week. I think that if you get a little break you might come to realize that you do care for your daughter and that you would miss her if she was completely gone from your life.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I get the feeling the mom may just want you to babysit the daughter on weekends so that she can get out partying. I think you need to get an attorney to split the weekends and maybe you can see you one night during the week?

 

Yeah, this makes me even sadder. This little girl doesn't have either parent making her a priority .

[Globug]

whew, she sure was!

 

kids are not a thing that you can put aside, on hold, while you're growing up.

 

 

 

actually - that is the recommended MINIMUM.

 

every other weekend and two weeks in summer are not nearly enough time to make a real connection with a child - you're not being a parent with that little time, just a guest in your child's life. NORMAL custody looks a couple of times a week, every other weekend, half of summer and other holidays. and that's a STRETCH because 50% of the time is what most a child most benefits from, according to science.

 

if he doesn't feel like being a father and doesn't love his daughter - he should let go and the mother should address it with the court and take his parental rights away. that way she protects both herself and her child from a Dad of the Year bouncing back, years later, with a new mommy in hand - ready to suddenly play family and push the real mother out. and usually, it's a success - i've seen it play out so many times; mothers/fathers care for their kids alone only to lose primary custody because the deadbeat parent married into a good house.

 

when the daughter is an adult, she can make the decision about her relationship with the OP herself.

 

 

 

I just meant in my state it is usually what is started out with.

 

 

That was my DH custody order at first when the child was a baby. When my DH came back into the child's life at 6 we had every other weekend, and almost the full summer. By the time my stepchild was 11 we had the child 50% of the time & later the child lived with us full time. I know a child cannot be set aside till someone grows up. I did not know my DH those years, but I am so grateful that he did grow up & the love was there he was just selfish & didn't realize it because of immaturity. My DH regrets his choices he made when he was younger & is so grateful that he was given a second chance. He has had actually had many talks with my step child over the years and apologized for his selfishness and immaturityI am just saying because he doesn't "feel" it now doesn't mean it isn't there.

[Yosemite]

They’ve been calling asking to come over because apparently she made me a valentine and wants to give it to me. I don’t even want them here. So I haven’t responded.

 

Did you get the Valentine? It would have taken 30 mins tops. Is that really too much effort to make?

 

Do you feel at all guilty about the way you treat your own daughter? The only way this makes sense to me is if your parents treated you the same way when you were growing up...is this how you were treated?

[Cool frank]

Did you get the Valentine? It would have taken 30 mins tops. Is that really too much effort to make?

 

Do you feel at all guilty about the way you treat your own daughter? The only way this makes sense to me is if your parents treated you the same way when you were growing up...is this how you were treated?

 

Yes, I got the valentine. She called and ask if she could bring it to me so I said yes. Then they brought it and her mom gave me a present to give her. Then we watched a movie.

 

Do I subconsciously treat her the way I do because I hate her mom? Maybe. She crushed my heart and ruined my life.

[Happy Lemming]

Do I subconsciously treat her the way I do because I hate her mom? Maybe.

 

Let me ask you a hypothetical question...

 

If you could have full custody of your daughter and you would never have see the mom again, would you do it??

[Yosemite]

Do I subconsciously treat her the way I do because I hate her mom? Maybe. She crushed my heart and ruined my life.

 

It’s not subconscious if you know all about it and can articulate it. That makes it a choice. A choice which reveals a lot about you and your character. Especially since you avoid the question of how you were treated as a child which leads me to believe that your childhood was perfectly normal. For you to do this to your daughter when it isn’t a subconscious repetition of learned behavior, but is an active choice, just makes you sound amoral and dead inside.

 

People have told you in this thread that you need to grow up…playing the victim that she didn’t get an abortion and therefore ruined your life is what they’re referring to. Do you know how many people walking around are the result of an unintended pregnancy? 40% of births are from unintended pregnancies according to the CDC. Why are you having a 4 year long pity party about sex resulting in a baby while very other decent person takes responsibility for their actions?

 

Did you ever discuss an unintended pregnancy or abortion before having sex with her? Somehow I doubt it. So, it seems pretty clear that you “ruined” your own life.

 

Did you actually use a condom or did you think that she would stay with you if you got her pregnant? You might as well tell the truth…did you think that you could turn a fling into a longterm relationship by getting her pregnant? I’m willing to bet that’s what happened and that’s why you’re so pissed about having to take care of your daughter, your plan didn't work.

 

BTW, you’re not punishing her mom, you’re punishing your daughter. It’s not your daughter’s fault that her mom doesn‘t want to be with you. And to be honest, if she’s a normal, emotionally-healthy woman, the worse you treat your daughter, the less she would ever consider a relationship with you.

 

She doesn’t want to be with you and now you’re going on a 4 year long pout about it. Get over yourself, people break up every day, a break-up is not a reason to treat your child poorly.

 

her mom gave me a present to give her.

 

Perfect. Is this who you want to be? Come on, OP, it's time step up and do what you know is right. Stop punishing your daughter for your decisions.

Edited February 16, 2018 by Yosemite

[littleblackheart]

Yes, I got the valentine. She called and ask if she could bring it to me so I said yes. Then they brought it and her mom gave me a present to give her. Then we watched a movie.

 

Do I subconsciously treat her the way I do because I hate her mom? Maybe. She crushed my heart and ruined my life.

 

This is also what I get from your posts - you're making your daughter pay for what your ex did to you. This is a little immature but you can learn to be a good co-parent to your daughter as opposed to using her as your ticket to get back with her mother - which is why you are accommodating her all w/e, I think.

 

Don't use your kid as a pawn. Your ex made it clear she doesn't want you back, and it's also very clear you can be a good father to your little one. Detach yourself emotionally from your ex; I know it's difficult but it can be done.

 

It's not your little one's fault.

Edited February 16, 2018 by littleblackheart

[Cool frank]

It’s not subconscious if you know all about it and can articulate it. That makes it a choice. A choice which reveals a lot about you and your character. Especially since you avoid the question of how you were treated as a child which leads me to believe that your childhood was perfectly normal. For you to do this to your daughter when it isn’t a subconscious repetition of learned behavior, but is an active choice, just makes you sound amoral and dead inside.

 

People have told you in this thread that you need to grow up…playing the victim that she didn’t get an abortion and therefore ruined your life is what they’re referring to. Do you know how many people walking around are the result of an unintended pregnancy? 40% of births are from unintended pregnancies according to the CDC. Why are you having a 4 year long pity party about sex resulting in a baby while very other decent person takes responsibility for their actions?

 

Did you ever discuss an unintended pregnancy or abortion before having sex with her? Somehow I doubt it. So, it seems pretty clear that you “ruined” your own life.

 

Did you actually use a condom or did you think that she would stay with you if you got her pregnant? You might as well tell the truth…did you think that you could turn a fling into a longterm relationship by getting her pregnant? I’m willing to bet that’s what happened and that’s why you’re so pissed about having to take care of your daughter, your plan didn't work.

 

BTW, you’re not punishing her mom, you’re punishing your daughter. It’s not your daughter’s fault that her mom doesn‘t want to be with you. And to be honest, if she’s a normal, emotionally-healthy woman, the worse you treat your daughter, the less she would ever consider a relationship with you.

 

She doesn’t want to be with you and now you’re going on a 4 year long pout about it. Get over yourself, people break up every day, a break-up is not a reason to treat your child poorly.

 

 

 

Perfect. Is this who you want to be? Come on, OP, it's time step up and do what you know is right. Stop punishing your daughter for your decisions.

 

Actually, her getting pregnant is what she’s done to ruin my life, thanks for assuming it was. It’s the fact she sabotaged a relationship I had with a girl I really liked, made up all these stories that aren’t true. Tells other girls intimate details about my life that I really don’t like to share, and then constantly texts me for sex. She is always manipulating me and making me feel worse about myself than I already do. And for the record I had a really bad childhood that I hate talking about.

 

Yes, I did use a condom. I repeatedly asked if she was on birth control, and she said yes. In my eyes, that was probably another form of manipulation because she knew how much I liked her at the time. She was the girl I had the biggest crush on and for whatever reason we just never got together until then.

[Cool frank]

This is also what I get from your posts - you're making your daughter pay for what your ex did to you. This is a little immature but you can learn to be a good co-parent to your daughter as opposed to using her as your ticket to get back with her mother - which is why you are accommodating her all w/e, I think.

 

Don't use your kid as a pawn. Your ex made it clear she doesn't want you back, and it's also very clear you can be a good father to your little one. Detach yourself emotionally from your ex; I know it's difficult but it can be done.

 

It's not your little one's fault.

 

She’s not my ex. She’s someone who used me for sex and personal gain. Taking that little girl all weekend is not to get her back, but to keep my daughter safe from her intoxicated driving from her weekend binges.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, I did use a condom. I repeatedly asked if she was on birth control, and she said yes. In my eyes, that was probably another form of manipulation because she knew how much I liked her at the time.

 

Have you gotten a paternity test?

 

Honestly, this woman sounds awful and an unfit mother based on the things you've said about her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She’s not my ex. She’s someone who used me for sex and personal gain. Taking that little girl all weekend is not to get her back, but to keep my daughter safe from her intoxicated driving from her weekend binges.

 

Has she ever had CPS called on her?

[Cool frank]

Have you gotten a paternity test?

 

Honestly, this woman sounds awful and an unfit mother based on the things you've said about her.

 

I’m sorry, I thought I responded when you first asked this. Yes, paternity was established.