Best way to live the single life?

[littleblackheart]

Its also a good way to vent and I can talk to strangers without friends and family thinking I am such a sad soul.

 

You're allowed to be sad about being single, OP. In my experience, even though this forum is great for support, I'm sure your family and friends would be happy to support you too. I think you should consider opening up to them too.

[d0nnivain]

HiCrunchy

 

Your issues have been compounded because you went to the wrong medical professional. Your problems are real: You are depressed & you have some self esteem issues. You need a more compassionate counselor. Stay away from the medical doctor psychiatrists. They deal with brain damage, schizophrenia & stuff that has physical manifestations; in my experience they want to treat everything with a happy pill which isn't the answer for everybody. Find a nice psychologist or L.C.S.W. for some talk therapy. Why you feel awful isn't as important as figure out ways to make you feel better.

 

If you crave more human contact, hug your parents & your friends. Also consider getting a pet. If you can't get a pet volunteer at the nearest animal shelter. The unconditional love you get from the animals will help. Getting to pet them & getting some kisses will help diminish your cravings for contact. No a dog is not a substitute for a BF but the dog will provide emotional support that is missing from your life.

 

Read some self help books too.

 

Join groups either on campus or throughout the city to feel more connected to your community & open up a broader world for you. When you volunteer to help others less fortunate then you, you ended up making yourself feel better.

[nospam99]

I checked before posting again on this thread to see if I had already posted. I found...

I can suggest - same stuff many others here would suggest. Libraries, credit-free adult classes, meetup groups. If it's your 'thing' (not mine), a church-based group.

 

I stand by that previous post.

 

I'll also just briefly mention a concern of MINE that I rarely see brought up here on LS in discussions like this: STDs. No sex, almost no risk of STDs. Sex with 'players', more risk of STDs than with non-players. Proportionally more players on Tinder than other dating sites. Some STDs are quite hard to totally cure e.g. syphilis.

 

Aside from that, some of the remarks in the OPs most recent post are 'telling' (and bolded by me) ...

Yes, I know I am not "wired for hook ups". I know this very well that is why I have avoided them my entire life. I have a need for intimacy (not just sex but physical touch/care/kisses but not the friendly hugs you give family). I am trying to find a way to fulfill that need. I don't have any outlets and this was the only thing I can think of.

 

I am nervous about a friends withe benefits because I will fall for them if it happened. And that will definitely hurt more because I know for a fact they don't want a relationship. I thought the one night stand thing would keep me more detached. It is probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but I am at my wits end. I am so tired of being alone. I am tired of crying all the time. I am so pathetic. I am such a sad excuse for a human being. I should be so grateful I don't have real problems, and here I am crying like a little bitch because I am alone.

 

I could be considered "young", "fit", "smart" (tho this is questionable), "attractive"(subjective I guess). But at the end of the day, I am alone, and nothing can change that. These things mean nothing in the long run. None of these things have stop people from abandoning me, from discarding me like I'm nothing, from being dumped and left alone. Because I am not someone that is meant to be loved. And the fact that I have been alone for such a long time solidifies that fact in my mind. I would prefer to be ugly, dumb, obese etc if that meant that I got to love someone and be loved by someone.

 

Trying to change my thinking to "I'll find someone I have chemistry with to stay and love me as much as I love them" fuels a weird cognitive dissonance because I just don't believe it. My experience just doesn't back that up.

 

And even if I do, I am just waiting for when they will leave. Its a matter of when. Because they will leave, especially since I am so young. Relationships at my age are just trials for later apparently.

 

I'm also not so young anymore, approaching my mid 20s soon, I feel life is slipping away from me.

 

I try to tell myself that it is okay to be alone, because that its silly to think everyone is meant to find someone. Some people are just bound to be alone, and maybe that is me. But when I think about that I start to cry and hyperventilate.

 

I don't want to wait anymore for something that might not even happen. It makes more sense to just give up now and accept it.

 

I know its crazy, but if I am already suffering, whats it matter if I just hurt a little more. Maybe the random highs of hook ups would be nice once in a while. Its better than always feeling low. A good chuck of me doesn't want to do it, but I kinda feel like I don't have many options left.

OP, you are approaching your mid 20s. I'm pretty sure to most of us on LS you are just a child. WAY too soon to 'give up'. I understand that you feel alone and that makes you sad. But you don't have the life experience to substantiate any belief that you will never find the kind of love you say you seek. Your feelings are REAL. I won't tell you to disown them. Own them. Own your sadness. Own your despair. Own your hopelessness. But don't let those real feelings influence a decision that you believe you'll regret. I know it is PAINFUL craving love that you do not have. I'm physically old enough to be your grandfather. I went through that pain. Many, if not most, of the other posters saying that they don't think NSA sex will help you went through that pain, too. Please, give life more time. And if you are looking for love, try to look in the 'right places'. I wish I could point you to a right place. But all I can do is repeat the suggestion I quoted at the top of this post. I'll bet you'd do much better with the help of friends and family who live in the community you live in.

 

One more thought FWIW. I've had what I think is good success meeting compatible potential 'partners' who care for me as a person (no sex in most cases, but affectionate friendship) through OLD. My demographics are different because unlike young men, fewer 'old ladies' are just looking to 'get laid'. But I also read the profiles carefully and I don't use Tinder. Just sayin'

Edited February 15, 2018 by nospam99

[d0nnivain]

Hi Crunchy

 

You are in your mid-20s. You actually have life by the tail but you don't realize it.

 

The best way to enjoy the single life is to get out there & have fun. Embrace it. Instead of focusing on what you don't have (a BF) focus on what you do have:

 

1. A roof over your head in one of the greatest cities in the world.

 

2 a good education that you are improving through graduate school

 

3. Living parents who love you (even if they are smothering you).

 

You are not in a 3rd world country. You are not stuck in a dead end job in the middle of nowhere trying to feed your kids on a minimum wage job because you have no other skills.

 

So make a plan to enjoy yourself & set out to do just that. When you start to have fun you will be much more attractive to potential partners. Because you view yourself as a "sad sack" others do see that dark cloud over your head & steer clear. On some level it is a "fake it 'til you make it proposition." If you can plaster a fake smile on your face & get out there looking like you are having the time of your life, eventually you too will believe it's all good. When you constantly wallow & think life sucks, it does.

 

Life is short. Tonight I am going to a wake for a dear friend who lost her 30 year old son over the weekend. For know apparent reason he just keeled over & died while watching TV. She found him on the couch at 4 a.m. in her living room. That is a tragedy.

 

Find a way to be happier. Start a gratitude list. Every morning when you wake up write down 3 things that you are grateful for. End the day by listing 3 more. They can be profound or trivial; my warm flannel sheets make my list a lot.

 

You really have so many more positives in your life & about yourself then you see right now. Hang in there!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I could be considered "young", "fit", "smart" (tho this is questionable), "attractive"(subjective I guess). But at the end of the day, I am alone, and nothing can change that. These things mean nothing in the long run. None of these things have stop people from abandoning me, from discarding me like I'm nothing, from being dumped and left alone. Because I am not someone that is meant to be loved. And the fact that I have been alone for such a long time solidifies that fact in my mind. I would prefer to be ugly, dumb, obese etc if that meant that I got to love someone and be loved by someone.

 

I'm also not so young anymore, approaching my mid 20s soon, I feel life is slipping away from me.

 

I try to tell myself that it is okay to be alone, because that its silly to think everyone is meant to find someone. Some people are just bound to be alone, and maybe that is me. But when I think about that I start to cry and hyperventilate.

 

I don't want to wait anymore for something that might not even happen. It makes more sense to just give up now and accept it.

 

 

Sorry, but yes you ARE young. WAY too young to be giving into this woe-is-me-I'm-not-meant-to-be-loved way of thinking. I have two college friends who didn't get married until their late thirties and now, at age 45, they are both mothers with 7 boys between them. Life does not end at 25.

 

I know you ARE feeling this way, but it's not healthy at your age to be feeling to hopeless and helpless. I hope you will get some help for this depression so that you can start to think more realistically about your actual situation, which is that you're a smart and attractive young woman who has her whole life ahead of her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Life is short. Tonight I am going to a wake for a dear friend who lost her 30 year old son over the weekend. For no apparent reason he just keeled over & died while watching TV. She found him on the couch at 4 a.m. in her living room. That is a tragedy.

 

 

Wow, that is so tragic . Are they doing an autopsy? I have a friend from college who lost her husband at age 32 due to sleep apnea .

[hotpotato]

How old are you, 23? You're just a baby. You have so much life and opportunity ahead of you.

 

If you get attached easily, I wouldn't recommend a fwb situation. What if you get attached to a guy and he stops seeing you suddenly?

 

Are you really alone? Do you have friends and family who love you?

 

Maybe a break would do you good, but don't give up, not yet.

[Happy Lemming]

I know its crazy, but if I am already suffering, whats it matter if I just hurt a little more. Maybe the random highs of hook ups would be nice once in a while. Its better than always feeling low. A good chuck of me doesn't want to do it, but I kinda feel like I don't have many options left.

 

I’ll share another “one night stand” experience that I had. It happened over 20 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

 

I met this woman at a party. I went home with her and we had sex. The next morning over coffee (at her kitchen table) something clicked and I wanted to see her again. I asked for her if we could go out again, she said “yes” and we exchanged phone numbers. This led to a 2nd date, 3rd date, etc. etc. for the next 5+ years.

 

We were very happy together. We traveled, hiked, explored and camped out (in my well worn tent). She never complained about anything, even when money was tight. There was never a cross word about traveling in my rusty old Ford truck (with no A/C) or eating Spaghetti O’s over a camp fire. We had the stars, and each other. I guess that was all that was needed.

 

Unfortunately, she passed away (suddenly) due to a medical misdiagnosis. It was quick and she didn’t suffer (died in her sleep). During her viewing, her mother came up to me and stated that her daughter had come to her after our second date and said “Mom, I found him. I love that man and I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him” And she did… The mother told me her daughter was very happy and although her life was shortened it had been full of joy the last five years.

 

I am completely aware that my experience is very rare, and I’ve had other “one night stands” that were just that. The point is you just never know, maybe just maybe something clicks and that “one night stand” is the guy of your dreams and he feels the same way.

[Cookiesandough]

To me the single life (which has basically been my entire life) doesn’t entail a lot of sex. Quite contrary, to embrace singlehood the best way would be to be okay going without it or going solo for the rest of your life. I feel like I can but if a person feels lonely this way or needs companionship (not only sex) I wouldn’t recommend it. Maybe casually dating/hookups when you are in a good headspace.

 

Single life is about being alone and liking it that way. No more lonely feels than you would have in a relationship, like doing things solo, not having the emotional burdens, not having obligations to someone else, freedom

 

 

However, I don’t think you should have sex with randos while you’re suffering. That’s what a lot of people do when they are hurting or feeling lonely. I don’t think it helps a lot and might actually make you feel worse at the end.

Edited February 15, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Mysterio]

Single life to me is sexless, but I have peace of mind and I don't have any emotional entanglements that is going on at the moment.

 

Its hard to get older and don't have that romantic/sex life happening in your life. From what I personally feel. Its like being iliterate/not knowing how to do math.

 

You get older and then you keep asking yourself why are you single. For me I think what I want in my head is hard. I won't do the FWB/Hookers thing. The only thing that works is, a woman that looks at me in a romantic way and does the leg work to let m know that she feels that way about me.

 

My male friends did nothing and their GF/Wives just dropped into their laps and they to my view, are not big heavy partiers or socially out there.

 

I think that you are lucky being a woman, as you will have suitors. Its just that you have to weed out the ones looking for a ONS.

 

The men on here on LShack. We have it a bit harder, as we still sort of have to do some work getting out there. For me looking at my past. Its best that I don't do anything. I don't know why, but I seem more able to pull a romantic thing with a woman, if I don't make that major effort, when it does happen. If I do something. Its like the Universe blocks me, by making the woman unavailable, by her being married/BF in the picture.

[Mysterio]

Another thing. What does it mean if you don't have a lot of sex. Thats something that can't be controlled. I don't have a lot of sex, because I don't have a GF. When I did, we did not have a lot of sex. On my side, its because I don't want a out of wedlock child in my life.

 

Things for me have to be methodicle. I have to have a woman that is single/childless or one child making the effort towards me. So a woman that is married of separated and not going to divorce, is a waste of time. The closer in social status she is to me. The better things will be. Age/ethnicity, don't need to be the exact on.

[HiCrunchy]

Another thing. What does it mean if you don't have a lot of sex. Thats something that can't be controlled. I don't have a lot of sex, because I don't have a GF. When I did, we did not have a lot of sex. On my side, its because I don't want a out of wedlock child in my life.

 

Things for me have to be methodicle. I have to have a woman that is single/childless or one child making the effort towards me. So a woman that is married of separated and not going to divorce, is a waste of time. The closer in social status she is to me. The better things will be. Age/ethnicity, don't need to be the exact on.

 

Funny thing is that its not even the sex that I miss tho. Its the affection, the love I felt. To be thought of as precious or irreplaceable. Missing the laughs, and cuddles. The kisses. The teasing and banter.

 

Thats what I miss the most.

 

Sometimes, I miss him too. Not as much as I used to, but sometimes.

Edited February 16, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Imajerk17]

Funny thing is that its not even the sex that I miss tho. Its the affection, the love I felt. To be thought of as precious or irreplaceable. Missing the laughs, and cuddles. The kisses. The teasing and banter.

 

Thats what I miss the most.

 

Sometimes, I miss him too. Not as much as I used to, but sometimes.

 

You mentioned that you are an attractive woman looks-wise, you certainly seem nice enough too. I am still missing the reason why you can't find the above by...dating

 

As in, set up an online dating profile, meet guys for coffee/drinks (no sex just an hour or so of conversation), those whom you do have a connection with, go on a second date with. And hold off on the physical intimacy until it is clear you both really like each other.

 

There is no way to go through this life without risking getting hurt. In fact, about EVERY person in the planet has experienced heartbreak as the one you experienced, if not even worse. There is just no way around this. In fact, I'd even venture to say that the state you have been in lately--this sad and lonely--is probably at least partly because of you trying to shut yourself off from emotional attachment.

Edited February 16, 2018 by Imajerk17

[HiCrunchy]

You mentioned that you are an attractive woman looks-wise, you certainly seem nice enough too. I am still missing the reason why you can't find the above by...dating

 

As in, set up an online dating profile, meet guys for coffee/drinks (no sex just an hour or so of conversation), those whom you do have a connection with, go on a second date with. And hold off on the physical intimacy until it is clear you both really like each other.

 

There is no way to go through this life without risking getting hurt. In fact, about EVERY person in the planet has experienced heartbreak as the one you experienced, if not even worse. There is just no way around this. In fact, I'd even venture to say that the state you have been in lately--this sad and lonely--is probably part of the end result of you trying to shut yourself off from emotional attachment.

 

Well sure I guess I'm attractive (not a model or anything, but "cute"), but that a subjective thing. I wouldn't have trouble getting a date or getting a guy to want to sleep with me, but I think that applies to most people. Its not like I've never been rejected romantically before.

 

Part of it is this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/633992-i-am-not-attracted-most-men-what-wrong-me

 

Another part is I miss my ex.

 

Most important part is, I don't want to get hurt and in a sense am losing faith that having a proper relationship at my age that isn't expected to end is fruitless.

 

I might have a bit of a self esteem issue

Edited February 16, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

Hi Crunchy

 

You are in your mid-20s. You actually have life by the tail but you don't realize it.

 

The best way to enjoy the single life is to get out there & have fun. Embrace it. Instead of focusing on what you don't have (a BF) focus on what you do have:

 

1. A roof over your head in one of the greatest cities in the world.

 

2 a good education that you are improving through graduate school

 

3. Living parents who love you (even if they are smothering you).

 

You are not in a 3rd world country. You are not stuck in a dead end job in the middle of nowhere trying to feed your kids on a minimum wage job because you have no other skills.

 

So make a plan to enjoy yourself & set out to do just that. When you start to have fun you will be much more attractive to potential partners. Because you view yourself as a "sad sack" others do see that dark cloud over your head & steer clear. On some level it is a "fake it 'til you make it proposition." If you can plaster a fake smile on your face & get out there looking like you are having the time of your life, eventually you too will believe it's all good. When you constantly wallow & think life sucks, it does.

 

Life is short. Tonight I am going to a wake for a dear friend who lost her 30 year old son over the weekend. For know apparent reason he just keeled over & died while watching TV. She found him on the couch at 4 a.m. in her living room. That is a tragedy.

 

Find a way to be happier. Start a gratitude list. Every morning when you wake up write down 3 things that you are grateful for. End the day by listing 3 more. They can be profound or trivial; my warm flannel sheets make my list a lot.

 

You really have so many more positives in your life & about yourself then you see right now. Hang in there!

 

Yes, its strange I know all of these things. You are right, I have so many good things in my life.

I normally get these kicks of getting my life together and then just sink into a low again. There are many people that would be happy living my life and here I am crying being an ungrateful brat. I don't deserve it.

 

Makes me wish I could experience that love before I die, I never know when its coming. It would be sad if death came before I got a chance to. I really hope that is not the case. My condolences.

 

I have tried being grateful before, usually before I go to sleep. I will try these things out, so see if they help.

[HiCrunchy]

Sorry, but yes you ARE young. WAY too young to be giving into this woe-is-me-I'm-not-meant-to-be-loved way of thinking. I have two college friends who didn't get married until their late thirties and now, at age 45, they are both mothers with 7 boys between them. Life does not end at 25.

 

I know you ARE feeling this way, but it's not healthy at your age to be feeling to hopeless and helpless. I hope you will get some help for this depression so that you can start to think more realistically about your actual situation, which is that you're a smart and attractive young woman who has her whole life ahead of her.

 

But my life could just as easily end at 25 and then what? I would have spent my life waiting for something that never happened. It makes me sad to think about that. All I have now is the present, and I wish that things were different.

Even with my youth, I am not promised life, none of us are.

[Tribble]

Well sure I guess I'm attractive (not a model or anything, but "cute"), but that a subjective thing. I wouldn't have trouble getting a date or getting a guy to want to sleep with me, but I think that applies to most people. Its not like I've never been rejected romantically before.

 

Part of it is this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/633992-i-am-not-attracted-most-men-what-wrong-me

 

Another part is I miss my ex.

 

Most important part is, I don't want to get hurt and in a sense am losing faith that having a proper relationship at my age that isn't expected to end is fruitless.

 

I might have a bit of a self esteem issue

 

Ah, Crunchy, I feel like you are me! Only a few years younger (I'm 29). I completely understand the way you are feeling. I have loved once in my life. But the relationship was toxic and, 2.5 years on I really wonder if he actually loved me. He says he did but I don't understand how someone who loved me could treat me that way. Nearly a year ago, I was feeling really down about it all and tried the casual sex thing. It didn't work. I came out of the other side without being particularly hurt but that's because I can separate sex and emotion and I chose a friend where neither of us felt anything. What I did learn was that sex without feelings is sooo not worth it for me. If you can't separate sex, affection and emotion, it will be a disaster.

 

I really want to love and be loved, it's a longing in me. But I am deathly afraid too. Every time someone tries to get close, I get scared and want to bolt. Being that vulnerable with someone and giving them the power to hurt you is HARD. I don't really have any solutions, I just want to tell you, you are not alone and you are not pathetic or wrong to feel the way you do. I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago and I really hope I keep going in that direction and don't relapse. You can feel better too!

[d0nnivain]

You are not a brat. You are depressed & that makes it hard to see a lot of the good.

 

 

You need a plan to change your life. You know how to do this because you set & achieve goals with your education. So figure out what you want & then set about obtaining it. It may take work. You want affection. So think about where you can get that (& it's not through ONS on Tinder). Then go do that.

[HiCrunchy]

"Tequila makes her clothes fall off" - Joe Nichols

 

Although this is just a song, I used it as my anthem when having sex with one night stands!! I always kept several bottles in my home. Even today, I still keep Tequila in my house.

 

Go enjoy your life!!

 

Haha I for one can't stand the taste if tequila. Makes me throw up every time. Whoever gave me that wouldn't have the most pleasant hookup experience with me

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But my life could just as easily end at 25 and then what? I would have spent my life waiting for something that never happened. It makes me sad to think about that. All I have now is the present, and I wish that things were different.

Even with my youth, I am not promised life, none of us are.

 

Well, that's true. But while "live your life like today might be your last" is a good philosophy when it comes to embracing all the good things in life, it's not a good mindset for mulling over all the things you do NOT have. You'll never catch happiness that way.

[HiCrunchy]

So based on the feedback, I think I've decided not to do this. I wonder if I will regret it not "sewing my oats" like another poster mentioned.

 

I think I will treat myself to a spa day next week.

 

I don't think my needs will be met anytime soon, but I think most people think hookups will make my situation worse. I don't know what I should do, but I guess I shouldn't do this at least.

Edited February 16, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[carhill]

Enjoy the spa!

 

Sowing one's oats is defined individually. Nowadays it appears to mostly focus on sex, sexual freedom, sexual variety. There was a time when it was more freedom to associate with anyone. No commitments, no responsibilities, plenty of adventure, enjoying the moments of life. For some people it still can. The sex stuff will always be there, as you described it, hookups.

 

Back to the spa thing, I remember one of my wife's co-workers giving me a facial for setting up her new massage/facial table. Man that was relaxing. I learned a lot about why women like spa days. Sure made my then wife a good living. Have fun!

[Timshel]

But my life could just as easily end at 25 and then what? I would have spent my life waiting for something that never happened. It makes me sad to think about that. All I have now is the present, and I wish that things were different.

Even with my youth, I am not promised life, none of us are.

 

Exactly. What will you do with today, this moment HiCrunchy? The underlined sentence is a contradiction of your post because you are projecting what is not manifested. It will be.

You don't want a hookup, you want connection.

Hookup connection.

 

You are making the future with every action of the moment, every living thing is, all the time, without exception.

[d0nnivain]

So based on the feedback, I think I've decided not to do this. I wonder if I will regret it not "sewing my oats" like another poster mentioned.

 

I think I will treat myself to a spa day next week.

 

I don't think my needs will be met anytime soon, but I think most people think hookups will make my situation worse. I don't know what I should do, but I guess I shouldn't do this at least.

 

 

There are lots of ways to sew your wild oats. They don't all require you to have sex with a random stranger -- go bungee jumping or skydiving; climb a mountain; get in a shark cage; take a vacation somewhere exotic.

[SevenCity]

Sorry, but yes you ARE young. WAY too young[/B] to be giving into this woe-is-me-I'm-not-meant-to-be-loved way of thinking. I have two college friends who didn't get married until their late thirties and now, at age 45, they are both mothers with 7 boys between them. Life does not end at 25.

 

I know you ARE feeling this way, but it's not healthy at your age to be feeling to hopeless and helpless. I hope you will get some help for this depression so that you can start to think more realistically about your actual situation, which is that you're a smart and attractive young woman who has her whole life ahead of her.

 

With all due respect, you have no right to put an age minimum on depression nor think that the "man up" advice will help. I'm sure if the OP could she would snap her fingers and be happy.

 

You are basically telling someone with an emotional problem (caused by real world experiences) that she has no right to feel the way she does.