Can a marriage survive the alcoholism

[DKT3]

I’ve been running on auto pilot these days. Engulfed in work. IC only once a month which I feel I would benefit more sessions. But I’ve honestly made no progress. Al-anon is on the list of things to do. I don’t know if I’m too busy or just avoiding. I do that a lot.

 

IC did however help me to stop filtering my conversations with the alcoholic spouse and I had an honest talk with him about how I have felt for years about his drinking and how it has changed my feelings about our marriage. He got it. He started therapy with an addiction counselor. He is 5 days no drinking. He is working out and on the road to recovery. And I am happy for him. But it doesn’t change the way I feel about my marriage and him and the years of damage we created together while he drank and I enabled. I feel numb and so far distanced.

 

Does this make me a bad person?

Is it normal for me to not be hopeful about our future together when he is actively trying to improve?

You aren't really addressing the issue with the relationship, only his issues. You had/are having an affair. As I told you before if he stopped drinking it would not fix the marriage. You are creating as much damage as he is, you are just as responsible as he is.

[S2B]

Nothing will really change until YOU change YOUR behavior.

 

No one made you stay - heck, no one is making you stay now.

 

Maybe you like being the victim. Maybe it makes you feel important to worry endlessly about him.

 

But take responsibility for how you participated - you stayed. That's on you.

 

And then you made a conscious decision to cheat. Just don't expect

To make progress with any counselor until you change yourself.

 

God for him with no drinking. Hopefully he will better his life.

 

Look into why it's useful for you to have him as your scapegoat.

[grass-hopper]

You aren't really addressing the issue with the relationship, only his issues. You had/are having an affair. As I told you before if he stopped drinking it would not fix the marriage. You are creating as much damage as he is, you are just as responsible as he is.

 

Yes. I agree. 100%.

[grass-hopper]

Nothing will really change until YOU change YOUR behavior.

 

No one made you stay - heck, no one is making you stay now.

 

Maybe you like being the victim. Maybe it makes you feel important to worry endlessly about him.

 

But take responsibility for how you participated - you stayed. That's on you.

 

And then you made a conscious decision to cheat. Just don't expect

To make progress with any counselor until you change yourself.

 

God for him with no drinking. Hopefully he will better his life.

 

Look into why it's useful for you to have him as your scapegoat.

 

I do realize this. I fended well for many years living and dealing with the drinking and other issues that came with it. I knew I was unhappy. But it was comfort to me. It was what I knew. It was how I knew how to live. It’s the only way I knew how to live. And I ignored it

It was not until I decided to cheat that I used the alcoholism and unhappy marriage as my “scapegoat” as you say. I understand the selfishness in that. I understand how I manipulated that to my advantage. I am not proud of it. I am not ignorant to it. I am ashamed of it.

 

If one good thing came out of it, it was that it gave me the ability to be real honest about the lie I’d been living and to be as honest as I can be with my spouse. ( I know that doesn’t say much from what you all know about me. I’m the cheater and that automatically turns me into a horrible person. Especially since I have not confessed the affair). And in that faux honesty we were able to talk about the drinking and he has now began to change his life for him and for my children. I am happy about that. But also very guilty because in his journey he will blame himself for a lot of things. When I too am to blame. This makes me a coward.

 

Thank you for your insights and responses.

Changing myself is definitely my goal right now.

It has been real uncomfortable delving into self reflection and discovery. I don’t like choices I’ve made but I take it day by day.

 

(I don’t know if this thread now belongs in marriage-infidelity or addiction or self help)

[DKT3]

I'm just a bit confused. You talk as if you're out as far as the marriage goes, yet you continue to lead your husband to believe that his drinking is THE issue. If you aren't interested in making it work shouldn't that make it easier to be honest?

 

Here is my concern, I have a sneaking suspicion that as your husband sobers he will figure out you are involved with another man. If he is basically cleaning up to save the marriage then what happens? Does he start drinking again? At which point you're kids are the real losers. Well, honestly they are already the real losers in this situation.

 

I already know the answer to this question or I should say the limited possibility of what your answer is but I ask anyways. Do you feel a sober husband will reject you? Do you think that him being sober will make you a worse or better person in the marriage? Are you afraid him being sober will make you the bad guy if the marriage ends? Is confession on your part scary because of how you reacted to his drinking, how you used his drinking to carry on your affair, or because it puts you on level footing as far as faults in the marriage?

[Tristian]

(I don’t know if this thread now belongs in marriage-infidelity or addiction or self help)

 

 

If you feel the topic has shifted enough for a move, feel free to ask moderation to move it for you via the ALERT US button.

 

 

In the mean time the thread is in addiction/recovery so I'm going to ask that we keep our replies focused on that aspect of the relationship rather then steering things off topic.

 

 

If the OP would like to discuss their affair in depth, we can move this thread or they have the option to start a new one in the infidelity section. ~T

[S2B]

[]

 

Do you truly expect to stay in this marriage? If so, how can you add beauty to it so that it improves?

 

Maybe you and your H can sit quietly and devise a plan that works toward that common goal if you expect to stay...

 

Without a plan together to change things - it will remain the same.

Edited June 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[grass-hopper]

DKT3: I understand your confusion. I am confused. I wonder was his drinking the issue that caused me to go elsewhere? That caused me to think my marriage was over and I no longer wanted it? Even though I fought for it for years? I understand how that sounds. I am by no means trying to blame my H drinking for my affair. But it has been a tough marriage with a lot of verbal abuse and anger and hatred from him and a lot of loneliness. And I definitely identify codependency issues and habits. Guilt. Blame. Manipulation. Self victimized. All on my part.

 

This is where they say alcoholism effects everyone, not just the alcoholic. I am not trying to get an easy pass out of my bad decision, however. I should have been stronger and walked away years ago. But I have identified I am not that strong. I am fearful of being alone. Of abandonment. (Again codependency).

 

I ask myself that same question you asked about if my husband finds out about the affair, does he start drinking again? Possibly. But how do I bear that cross? His decision to start drinking was his decision. And his decision to get sober should be for him, not to save the marriage,right? If I blame my affair for a relapse isn’t that the same thing as me blaming his drinking for my affair?

 

I am scared to be rejected. I am scared to be found out. I am scared to feel that I am the one to blame for this failed marriage. Because when it comes down to it, the affair is such taboo and immediate judgment. And alcoholism after all is a disease.

 

Somedays I wonder why I couldn’t have just been stronger. Why I couldn’t have just let things be. If I’d just been a tolerant wife. He and I wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t be struggling with recovery and guilt. I wouldn’t have found myself where I am.

 

I feel like all this is in my hands. Whether I stay or go. It’s going to be detrimental to all parties. My husband. My kids. Our families.

Edited June 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and remove extraneous characters

[grass-hopper]

[]

 

Do you truly expect to stay in this marriage? If so, how can you add beauty to it so that it improves?

 

Maybe you and your H can sit quietly and devise a plan that works toward that common goal if you expect to stay...

 

Without a plan together to change things - it will remain the same.

 

I don’t know if I expect to stay in this marriage. A huge part of me says no. But for some reason I am scared to leave.

 

I know it’s unfair to him. But I haven’t lied to him about that. When he asked if he gets sober if I will stay, I told him I don’t know. Right now he’s choosing to stay for kids. For convenience.

[S2B]

DKT3: I understand your confusion. I am confused. I wonder was his drinking the issue that caused me to go elsewhere? That caused me to think my marriage was over and I no longer wanted it? Even though I fought for it for years? I understand how that sounds. I am by no means trying to blame my H drinking for my affair. But it has been a tough marriage with a lot of verbal abuse and anger and hatred from him and a lot of loneliness. And I definitely identify codependency issues and habits. Guilt. Blame. Manipulation. Self victimized. All on my part.

 

This is where they say alcoholism effects everyone, not just the alcoholic. I am not trying to get an easy pass out of my bad decision, however. I should have been stronger and walked away years ago. But I have identified I am not that strong. I am fearful of being alone. Of abandonment. (Again codependency).

 

I ask myself that same question you asked about if my husband finds out about the affair, does he start drinking again? Possibly. But how do I bear that cross? His decision to start drinking was his decision. And his decision to get sober should be for him, not to save the marriage,right? If I blame my affair for a relapse isn’t that the same thing as me blaming his drinking for my affair?

 

I am scared to be rejected. I am scared to be found out. I am scared to feel that I am the one to blame for this failed marriage. Because when it comes down to it, the affair is such taboo and immediate judgment. And alcoholism after all is a disease.

 

Somedays I wonder why I couldn’t have just been stronger. Why I couldn’t have just let things be. If I’d just been a tolerant wife. He and I wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t be struggling with recovery and guilt. I wouldn’t have found myself where I am.

 

I feel like all this is in my hands. Whether I stay or go. It’s going to be detrimental to all parties. My husband. My kids. Our families.

 

I understand all those things and that this disease makes it hard on all family members.

 

That's a lot of fears... fears I hope you can overcome. Maybe there will come a time when you can both be honest with each other and make a decision about the marriage based on truth - and forgive each other for what's in the past.

 

Until then plan for the worst and hope for the best. Start planning now to be more independent. What books have you read on codependency? Alcoholism?a d healthy relationships?

 

Are you working with a counselor now? What guidance do you have to help you get stronger and more honest about what's real in your life?

[Mr. Lucky]

But I have identified I am not that strong. I am fearful of being alone. Of abandonment. (Again codependency).

 

Like many of us when we are confused, your post is rife with irony and contradictions.

 

The abandonment you're scared of has already occurred - by him, when he chose alcohol and by you, when you cheated. That your physical selves continue to reside in the same house really matters little.

 

And yet, ironically, he's currently making the braver choice. He's admitted his problem, put his cards on the table and declared his intentions.

 

And then there's you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Living in fear isn't any way to live...you're not really living due to fear.

 

Break through all of it by doing contrary action! That way you are sure to get a new result!

 

What do you have to lose? You're miserable the way things are - why not make the effort to change things up?

 

...unless you're so used to being unhappy it's become normal for you... but that's good reason to change it too.

[DKT3]

DKT3: I understand your confusion. I am confused. I wonder was his drinking the issue that caused me to go elsewhere? That caused me to think my marriage was over and I no longer wanted it? Even though I fought for it for years? I understand how that sounds. I am by no means trying to blame my H drinking for my affair. But it has been a tough marriage with a lot of verbal abuse and anger and hatred from him and a lot of loneliness. And I definitely identify codependency issues and habits. Guilt. Blame. Manipulation. Self victimized. All on my part.

 

This is where they say alcoholism effects everyone, not just the alcoholic. I am not trying to get an easy pass out of my bad decision, however. I should have been stronger and walked away years ago. But I have identified I am not that strong. I am fearful of being alone. Of abandonment. (Again codependency).

 

I ask myself that same question you asked about if my husband finds out about the affair, does he start drinking again? Possibly. But how do I bear that cross? His decision to start drinking was his decision. And his decision to get sober should be for him, not to save the marriage,right? If I blame my affair for a relapse isn’t that the same thing as me blaming his drinking for my affair?

 

I am scared to be rejected. I am scared to be found out. I am scared to feel that I am the one to blame for this failed marriage. Because when it comes down to it, the affair is such taboo and immediate judgment. And alcoholism after all is a disease.

 

Somedays I wonder why I couldn’t have just been stronger. Why I couldn’t have just let things be. If I’d just been a tolerant wife. He and I wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t be struggling with recovery and guilt. I wouldn’t have found myself where I am.

 

I feel like all this is in my hands. Whether I stay or go. It’s going to be detrimental to all parties. My husband. My kids. Our families.

 

Think of a house burning, all the is left is the frame and the brick fireplace. What do you do? Knock it all down and rebuild or pick up what you can and move on? What you cant do is stay there doing nothing. You are currently doing nothing. You are at a point where you have to confess so you can either rebuild or move on.

 

Listen, you're being dishonest, and that usually has consequences. Your husband is in the early stages of sobriety your long ongoing deceit is the axe waiting to drop. Is it your fault if he starts drinking again? No, absolutely not, however, you have created an environment that makes it more likely.

 

Go or stay its totally and solely up to you. All I can say is what if, what if you confessed he got sober, you got over the addiction of your affair and the two of you created a loving environment for the rest of your kids childhood with no secrets?

[S2B]

If you plan to tell him about your affair - I'd suggest doing it in front of the therapist so it can be discussed in an environment that helps your husband understand how to process the info and how to not drink over the anger he's likely to feel.

 

A safety net - for lack of a better term... to help him with the sensitive info he may receive.