Can a marriage survive the alcoholism

[Noproblem]

What family?

 

You don't have a family?

 

You have 2 kids who suffer under the embarrassing episodes of their drunkard dad and the ghost of once loving now cold mom.

 

As you were once happy and full of life, but he took that away from you, and then now you have to stick in this empty life, try to save a marriage that you have already betrayed in order to save a man, a father who doesn't want to be saved!

 

It won't take long until he beings to bother you or them physically.

 

4 years from now, he'll get many diseases and health problems,

 

and then it won't be just your burden and the burden of your kids to take care of an alcoholics dad,

 

but it will be your burden and them to take care of a disabled sick man.

 

 

Get out!

!

Save your kids and yourself, and look elsewhere!

Edited March 20, 2018 by Noproblem

[S2B]

Because I’m co-dependent. Because I’m scared of turning my kids life upside down. Because I’m scared of failure. Because I’m scared that I am to blame. Because I’m scared of being alone.

 

But see - you could become independent! Your kids could be living in a calm and predictable home. You could have the potential to succeed without the drinkers distractions, and you aren't to blame except for not doing enough to change things. And you're never alone. :-)

 

Change brings hope! If nothing changes = nothing changes. YOU are the one that needs to change things!

 

Believe me - I changed everything 13 years ago - I never thought it could be this good! It was a tough adjustment at first but things continued to get better and then became amazing!

 

You get to take charge of YOUR life and you get to control your home life! Don't be afraid - be courageous because it's the right thing to do for yourself and your kids!

[grass-hopper]

Truth is all issues need to be dealt with...you know your husband's demon he doesn't know yours. Honestly he needs to know, no sense in making the effort to fix this when you're building on a landmine.

 

So what happens if your husband has a lightbulb moment starts to feel like x his issues then finds out about your affair and decides it's a deal breaker for him?

 

Blow it up then see if there is anything to fix. This is highly dysfunctional and the kids pay the ultimate price. Fix it or get them out of it.

 

I’ve lost all credibility. Honestly I am frightened to tell of my indiscretions. I know it makes me a coward. I know he deserves the truth. How is it that I am able to tell him i don’t like his drinking or drug use?I know that he senses something about my affair. It’s not fair to him.

[S2B]

If you intend to divorce then there's no reason to tell him of your affair.

 

There's really nothing that's gained by telling that if you don't stay married to him.

 

It seem fair to explain that you don't wish to stay married any longer due to his drinking and drug use.

[DKT3]

I’ve lost all credibility. Honestly I am frightened to tell of my indiscretions. I know it makes me a coward. I know he deserves the truth. How is it that I am able to tell him i don’t like his drinking or drug use?I know that he senses something about my affair. It’s not fair to him.

 

It's human nature, it's easy to expose the shortcomings of others. It's much more difficult to expose ourselves. In this dynamic with your husband, by not exposing yourself you have the illusion of moral high ground.

 

I've said this a million times here, wives tend to be the primary caregiver for marriages, therefore it's very difficult to admit even to themselves when they've done something to damage what they had worked so hard to build. It's mental gymnastics. It's not cowardice, it's forcing yourself to accept your actions damaged the marriage, it's no longer just his drinking, which seems to be your fall back.

 

When reading you say you enabled his drinking, I wonder if you used it to steal time for your boyfriend?

 

I've never dealt with substance abuse no one close to me has ever had that struggle, so I'm out of my element on that outside of knowing the negative affect on the children.

 

I think your doing better, I think once you are completely done obsessing over the other guy the solutions will become more clear.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for your replies. I grew up in an alcoholic household, I guess I saw most of what he’s been doing as normal. Because it’s what I know. I recently found out too he does cocaine. So this man I don’t really know. This man lies too. We’re both being dishonest in our marriage.

 

Our marriage does look ok good on the outside. Nice house. Nice kids. Nice careers. We don’t air our problems to our family. On the inside it is a terrible mess. And I didn’t make it any better by making some bad choices. So I guess it’s not really that I go to counseling to find out why i cheated. It was why I don’t have boundaries in my life. And how I can begin to have some.

 

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I’d walked through life not being internally affected by growing up in an alcoholic household or being victim to sexual abuse as a child but I think it’s all rearing its ugly head now. I don’t have my stuff together like I thought I did. And I fear that I am allowing my children to grow up thinking this life is normal.

 

 

one of my grandfathers was an alcoholic.....my mums father.......i wrote about my nanna yesterday and i wrote that her eyes were the kindest saddest eyes i have ever known .....a saint of a woman....my nanna stuck by my grandfather through everything and it wasnt easy but she loved him and from what my mum told me she put up with a lot of abuse.....she never considered leaving him....he loved her so much....and she loved him ...the alcohol ....it was the problem....

he had an addiction......

 

my nanna died and her only concern she had was him being alone she wanted my mum in the event of her death(my nanna was given a time limit by docs) that mum would move him and keep him close to her.....which my mum organised.....and my nanna died , he begged the ambulance guys to save her even though they shoudnt have resuscitated my nan they did and she had massive heart attacks one after the other,they kept bringing her back, i want to believe that my nanna's spirit was already safe and gone when they did this.....that she felt nothing.....my heart sinks here....because i know she suffered.....

 

my mum regularly came down and stayed with my grandfather while waiting for his place near where she lived .........he continued drinking more...he had given away all of my nannas jewellry heirloom pieces handed down from mum to daughter..for generations.. to women at the club he frequented i feel it was so they would just stay and talk to him...like my nanna did....and they took the jewellry....some drunk old man ...an easy target....

 

he didnt last long after nanna died....and there was a week to go before mum was taking him to his new place a small sea side town where he would live just down the road from her......and fish and live a peaceful life....he fell over coming up the ramp to his house drunk one night...and alone...he hit his head on the concrete and was unconscious when a neighbour saw him lying there the next afternoon...he hung on in hospital till my mum could come adn my mum told him dad you can go now be with mum and he died the next day..... mum went back to his house and on the bed there was one small open suitcase packed on the end of his bed with a picture of nanna in military uniform on top of his clothes waiting for my mum to come take him with her.....that broke my mum....

 

 

love stories ...arent always pain free it is why i wrote my nannas and grandpas story for you....my nanna would have had some horrible times with my grandpa of this i have no doubt .....but she also had ...many many wonderful ones too....my nanna would have had to work hard in her marriage to my grandpa......and sometimes love isnt enough...with my nanna it was love and hard work.....and forgiveness.....much forgiveness that saw them through the hardest times...it was the unbreakable friendship they had together....when my nanna said for better or worse ...her whole heart was behind those words.....

 

every marriage cannot be judged on how it looks on the outside to other people...all that matters with marriage ....are the hearts within....and the strength and determination it does take to keep a marriage together some people might have seen my nanna as sad adn simply weak as i said her eyes were the saddest kindest eyes i have ever seen .....her heart though....was pure iron.......in her capacity to keep her marriage together....in spite of addiction....in spite of everything her marriage was going to last the distance....her whole heart was in it.....

 

 

the most heart breaking love stories all have trials.....all have pain and mountains to get over.....and for me your story has pain on both sides...you both have wronged each other and lies and dishonesty have damaged your marriage......you both have strayed from honest love.....you could work on it...start being honest.it is possible to get over what you both have done and move on together...i dont know how strong your heart is or his....and that will determine if you can or you cant.....and sometimes it is cant...and thats ok.

 

 

some marriages just cant be saved..you have to follow your heart.....and both of you have to be of one heart and one mind......if you can do that be of one heart and one mind and do what is necessary ...like therapy etc....you can make it.....its all up to you and your spouse......i wish you well...deb

[grass-hopper]

The spouses drinking is not going anywhere. He begs and pleads with me to please give him a chance to not give up on him while he opens another beer and gets stinking drunk like every other night. And I can’t stand the smell on his breath. I can’t bare to be near him. When he wants to get intimate and I just want to get away.

He says he drinks because he knows I don’t love him anymore. And I believe him. I think if only I can find a way to love him again I can save him. But I know he drinks because he wants to. Now maybe because he has to.

 

He promised he stopped doing cocaine. Told me he has stopped doing things for me and he is trying and why can’t I try. But now I see what I had never seen before. That next day depression and sleepiness after he’d been coking all night. I now understand what those jaw movements are and have been all these years that i never understood. I caught him the other night with his debit card breaking up the cocaine and he lied straight to my face said he wasn’t doing anything.

 

And I can’t seem to walk away. I can’t seem to make that decision to leave. I feel sorry for him when he begs me to give him another chance. When he promises he’ll change. But he has no plans to stop drinking.

 

And I am emotionally numb. I have distanced myself so far away from him and it’s not fair to him or me. But the guilt I bare from my extramarital affair makes me feel like I’m deserving of all this. Like I did this all to myself and to my marriage.

[S2B]

When nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

Expect more of the same since you won't change this for yourself/your kids.

[Art_Critic]

He drinks because he is an alcoholic, not for any other reason than that.

 

 

IMO you need to realize that there is life outside of his world, you need some Alanon in order to help you separate the Alcoholic from the person and own your own enabling behavior and work on correcting that in order to gain your life back, stop being his care taker and work on yourself.

 

 

He needs help, he needs to stop drinking and the only way he is going to do that is if he reaches his bottom, every drunks bottom is different.

 

 

My bottom 31 years ago was the GF I lived with and engaged to left me, my family helped me and AA saved me.

 

 

After I was able to take step one my recovery began, she however was gone from my life forever which was okay. I look back at it today and realize being together was a total mistake and we couldn't be together if I was sober since the dynamic changed.

 

 

I think you need to go to a few Alanon meetings and friend up some people there that have lived what you are living, learn from them and make the needed changes in your own life to gain back your own life and stop living his life.

 

 

Good Luck

[grass-hopper]

When nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

Expect more of the same since you won't change this for yourself/your kids.

 

I know I play a huge part in making things change. Except for some reason I can’t seem to make the change. I read the book Codependent No More and it resonated with me. I am indecisive and I blame myself and I feel responsible for a great deal Of my husbands drinking and happiness. Even though I recognize it’s not my fault, I still feel very responsible to him. I feel like a failure. I am suppose to be there in sickness and health. Am I not the one who should get him through this? But what in me will I be sacrificing?

 

I never ever ever knew how hard this would get. I always assumed it would get better someday. Like he’d magically just stop drinking. I never realized it would hit me like a ton of bricks where I would build resentments and anger toward him and become so emotionally and physically distant. I never realized the drinking would effect me mentally.

 

I just wish I knew how to make the change. Or I suppose i do know how. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I feel sorry for him. I feel scared for me. I feel scared for my kids. I feel scared for him.

 

Al-anon is my next step.

[S2B]

It's fascinating that you sit worrying and in fear for him yet he isn't worried about himself.

 

No, you aren't obligated to sit idly by while he slowly kills himself.

 

He has no respect for himself, you or the marriage.

 

See a therapist - you need help to gain the strength you need to end it.

 

Yes, go to al anon - do the steps with a sponsor.

 

 

You shouldn't have to sacrifice all of yourself while his toxic nature I te toonally ruins your life.

 

You need a boundary - that would at least help you to u derstand that you keep ALLOWING him to cross way over the line.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even though I recognize it’s not my fault, I still feel very responsible to him. I feel like a failure. I am suppose to be there in sickness and health. Am I not the one who should get him through this? But what in me will I be sacrificing?

 

grass-hopper, the first thing you'll have to accept is the three C's - you didn't cause, you don't control and you can't cure. If you could love addiction away, my adult daughter would have spent her 30th birthday somewhere other than detox. We spent years showering her with endless amounts of love, money and support and it only enabled her to pursue her addiction more fervently.

 

I'd guess you're having the same effect on your spouse. By propping him up, ignoring his use and bailing him out, you're only lengthening his long, slow fall - while he blames you for not fixing him.

 

As others have said, get to an Alanon meeting. There's a world of clarity out there, peek your head up over the trench and take a look. I can only imagine what this is like for your kids, if for no other reason go for them...

 

Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Keep reminding yourself that when nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

Why aren't you willing to change this for yourself?

[knitwit]

Naranon saved my life, no joke. I highly recommend going to a few different Alanon meetings and finding one that feels like home. We also had meetings for kids, which your kids might find helpful.

 

When I couldn't get to a meeting, I posted here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

 

It was a great forum and it might be useful to you now.

 

I wish you luck!

[LifeNomad]

an old timer ex alcoholic once told me "with alcoholism, there is no love, no relationship, no nothing"

 

 

and that resonated perfectly well with me. I was an alcoholic for solid 9 years (drank daily, and not counting the years prior when I first started and the years after when I slowed down) and after my relationship fell apart those words made perfect sense.

 

 

I felt gone during that time (only I didn't realize it then), when I finally was able to stop I felt like yelling out "im back!" to everyone I knew.

 

 

Mentally those days were just a blur, but once sober I felt alive, like I was really back and ready to do everything she wanted, watch movies together, go out on dates, all those times she wanted to do things but I just wanted to drink, I wanted to go back and re-live them.

 

 

And I don't blame her, im glad she was strong enough to leave. it made me change to become a better person.

 

 

What changed in me and made me stop was very high anxiety, panic attack and trip to ER. At that point I realized I needed to change.

[S2B]

Sure it can survive - many folks stay married no matter what.

 

But there is a cost... and the one supporting the drinker usually pays that price.

 

No one is worth that kind of sacrifice/torture.

[grass-hopper]

IC has helped me to be more open and honest with my H about how I feel about his drinking and ways in which it has affected and changed me.

 

He has been receptive. He has acknowledged his alcoholism. He has stated over and over how he wants to change. I see him trying to decrease his drinking. He is desperate. He is depressed. He is sorry. And I’m guilty. Because I didn’t draw boundaries. I enabled him for so long. I told him things he did and ways he acted was ok. I forgave him. But really I didn’t. I let them build up until I couldn’t anymore. I built resentments to the point of detaching from him. I feel that was unfair of me. Because now I feel like I’ve hit him with a ton of bricks and side winded him. I’m no longer the loving, accepting wife and he’s lost. And all I want to do is rescue him from his own demons.

 

But I’ve got mine to deal with to. Because I’ve fallen into a pretty bad place. I need to heal from codependency. It has really messed me up. I live in constant fear and guilt and hopelessness. I have learned in IC and in books that it is not uncharacteristic for the codependent to fall into an affair. (Not an excuse whatsoever!)

 

I told him we should separate. It’s unfair to him. he cried and told me he is going to drink on his way back home from A road trip and hopefully drive off the edge of a cliff because he can’t live like this anymore, he can’t live without my love. How am I suppose to take that?

Edited June 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting

[Mr. Lucky]

And all I want to do is rescue him from his own demons.

 

Guess I'll keep repeating - AlAnon would help you to understand this. You can't save someone who has no interest in saving themselves. All you can do - and seem bent on doing - is follow them down the drain.

 

I told him we should separate. It’s unfair to him. he cried and told me he is going to drink on his way back home from A road trip and hopefully drive off the edge of a cliff because he can’t live like this anymore, he can’t live without my love. How am I suppose to take that?

 

Actually, his real message is he can't live without alcohol. Point him towards AA and then get your own life together. In a situation clearly unhealthy for both of you, the only answer is change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

There is a reason why it is recommended that people recovering from addiction should not be in a relationship for the first year after they stop drinking. I think the same could be said for their partner... There is a whole lot of self reflection and healing that needs to be done.

 

It's hard to do what you need to do when you continue in the same codependent and unhealthy relationship patterns that got you into this place...

 

Please grasshopper, go to an Al-Anon meeting if you haven't done so already.

[S2B]

There is a reason why it is recommended that people recovering from addiction should not be in a relationship for the first year after they stop drinking. I think the same could be said for their partner... There is a whole lot of self reflection and healing that needs to be done.

 

It's hard to do what you need to do when you continue in the same codependent and unhealthy relationship patterns that got you into this place...

 

Please grasshopper, go to an Al-Anon meeting if you haven't done so already.

 

There's nothing in the big book that suggests avoiding relationships in recovery.

 

Quite the contrary, it says build healthy relationships in sobriety based on honesty.

 

But grass-hopper is dealing with active drinking... so she's not even close to the honesty ball park.

 

A marriage can survive active drinking but it surely won't look happy or healthy.

[No_Go]

Honestly - even if it can, it is not worth the cost For alcoholics there is usually no way out... And the things snap from functional to dysfunctional before you know it. My father was one and sucked the life out of my mother until he got very ill and suddenly died ... Which is the faith of nearly every alcoholic I've ever encountered in my life.

 

I had a relationship with an alcoholic and still have nightmares thinking about it. It turned bleak but thankfully I knew the signs to run not walk early enough...

 

 

Hi

My H has been an alcoholic since I met him. But I’m not sure if you’d call a teenage binge drinker an alcoholic. We drank together when we were young. We partied like many of our 20yr old counterparts. And i figured it would eventually fade out. I grew up in an alcoholic home so drinking wasn’t necessarily out of the standard norm. We had 2 children in our late 20s and for me that was the end of partying. I drank socially. Many times to hang out with him. But I had different aspirations for us. I went to school got my degree and for the most part he and I are a successful couple as two professionals living in suburbia 2 kids 1 dog and 1 cat. But the drinking for him never decreased. Rather it has been daily for at least a decade and has increased. There is a marked change in him. He is a functioning alcoholic. Is successful at work. But his drinking has changed his mood.

[Mr. Lucky]

A marriage can survive active drinking but it surely won't look happy or healthy.

 

Good point, I had the same thought.

 

grass-hopper, why isn't your thread titled "Can a marriage prosper with alcoholism".

 

All you want is survival, that's the marital role model you want for your kids? That's the degree of health and happiness you deserve as a spouse and a family?

 

Your willingness to accept crumbs is part of your codependency...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

There's nothing in the big book that suggests avoiding relationships in recovery.

 

Quite the contrary, it says build healthy relationships in sobriety based on honesty.

 

But grass-hopper is dealing with active drinking... so she's not even close to the honesty ball park.

 

A marriage can survive active drinking but it surely won't look happy or healthy.

 

I stand corrected. My point was simply, recovery must be difficult if an individual stays in the same unhealthy behavioral patterns that contributed to the addiction. I would think it would be difficult to be successful in recovery when both partners have established a codependent relationship and one partner has enabled the other in their addiction.

Edited June 14, 2018 by BaileyB

[S2B]

I stand corrected. My point was simply, recovery must be difficult if an individual stays in the same unhealthy behavioral patterns that contributed to the addiction. I would think it would be difficult to be successful in recovery when both partners have established a codependent relationship and one partner has enabled the other in their addiction.

 

I, too, think that would make recovery even more difficult.

[grass-hopper]

I’ve been running on auto pilot these days. Engulfed in work. IC only once a month which I feel I would benefit more sessions. But I’ve honestly made no progress. Al-anon is on the list of things to do. I don’t know if I’m too busy or just avoiding. I do that a lot.

 

IC did however help me to stop filtering my conversations with the alcoholic spouse and I had an honest talk with him about how I have felt for years about his drinking and how it has changed my feelings about our marriage. He got it. He started therapy with an addiction counselor. He is 5 days no drinking. He is working out and on the road to recovery. And I am happy for him. But it doesn’t change the way I feel about my marriage and him and the years of damage we created together while he drank and I enabled. I feel numb and so far distanced.

 

Does this make me a bad person?

Is it normal for me to not be hopeful about our future together when he is actively trying to improve?