Author MindYourBusiness Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Update: He came back yesterday crying and apologizing for everything. We still love each other. Has anyone here experiences with situations like this? Is there a chance that we can make it as a couple with therapy and learn to forgive and trust each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Yomachi Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Update: He came back yesterday crying and apologizing for everything. We still love each other. Has anyone here experiences with situations like this? Is there a chance that we can make it as a couple with therapy and learn to forgive and trust each other? There's always a chance that if you jump into a swamp you'll miracolously survive it, but why bother? He broke down your self esteem so you were easier to control. Everything is your fault, which is called gaslighting. He wasn't there when you needed him to be. Look at the cycle of abuse, he's now in the reconcaliation phase: "The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible. Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do their best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in the relationship." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse "But he's not violent" --> He's most definitely emotionally abusive, violence comes later, please don't stick around waiting for it. I get why he wants you back, why would you want him back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pasiamoureusequeca Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Update: He came back yesterday crying and apologizing for everything. We still love each other. Has anyone here experiences with situations like this? Is there a chance that we can make it as a couple with therapy and learn to forgive and trust each other? No, you should not. Be strong and stay away from him. He is abusive and will not change. Keep reminding yourself of his abuse, and you will not miss him. I agree with Yomachi, abuse is a cycle, and his coming back is "the honeymoon phase" that will be over very quickly and give place to another phase of abuse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carolynsch Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Hi there, I can understand that what are you feeling right now. This time is tough for you and you need to handle it in a positive way. Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I am 26 years old, he is 31. He said he will stay away for a while so that he can "heal" which is silly to me because his response to my grief was " those fcking things weren't even alive".. so no. We were not able to talk. Abortion is the kind of thing people think they know what they would do/feel if it happens to them until it actually happens to them. Unless he has always been acting like a DB, I would say his behaviour is his way of grieving. Not the best way to deal with it, but it's his way of dealing with it. For now I would suggest giving him his space. If he wants to come back, it'll be up to you to decide if you want to be with someone who disappears when it gets tough and you need support... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 Thank you all for sharing comments and thoughts. We spoke yesterday all day. He told me he loves me very much and that he feels like a low life and coward for what he has done. He also said that he is not interested in being in any other relationship than with me but that we need to take it slow. I agreed but said that I can't be "just friends" because I think that this situation requires commitment and therapy together. Then he said that me saying that changes the situation and that I need to stop putting pressure on him. Am I really asking for too much here and pushing to hard? Any thoughts or suggestions on what I should do? I feel just as bad as right after the break up right now, didn't sleep all night, had dizziness and nausea.. Personally I feel like he is taken me for granted and he seems so selfish. But I would love to hear you guys thoughts...thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 can anyone help me? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 I agreed but said that I can't be "just friends" because I think that this situation requires commitment and therapy together. Those two words are going to send me running for the hills. As a man, I don't like the idea of therapy. I'm sure it is good for some men, but I think the vast majority of us don't wish to participate in therapy. As far as commitment... If he wanted to commit to you, then the abortion probably wouldn't have happened... I'm guessing?? I think its time to let go of this relationship and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Captivating Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 (edited) I am 26 years old, he is 31. He said he will stay away for a while so that he can "heal" which is silly to me because his response to my grief was " those fcking things weren't even alive".. so no. We were not able to talk. I mean who says something like that ??? Prick. This guy is immature and irresponsible, even if he is 31. I find it funny that guys do not want to get "HOOKED IN" with a possible pregnancy, yet completely unable to take care of the "protection" part of sex.... when things go down they point fingers. Only an immature p u s s y , a MAN-CHILD does that, not a MAN.... or a NARCISSIST - it's a personality disorder, that you don;t want to be subjected to. Do you think he has someone on the side it did not work out so he is back with you? Lenila, good riddance, be very careful letting him back ( i would not). He is a selfish inconsiderate prick. He showed you his worth, he was a coward when he should have stepped up like a responsible, caring and loving man. He is none of these. Too much "pressure" on him ??? What about the ordeal you went through ?? He does not care about that tiny detail. Let him go, stop chatting with him.... this would be exactly the life together with him....he would crumble under any "pressure". Find a man who truly cares about you and shows it with his actions.... "TALK" is cheap. Always watch a man's actions. As for you, take one day at a time, please learn from this experience. Don't blame anyone, you need relaxful thoughts and activities, be kind to yourself. It will take time but you will get there. Hugs <3 Edited March 26, 2018 by Captivating 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yomachi Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 He told me he loves me very much and that he feels like a low life and coward for what he has done. Quoted from my earlier post: "During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness". I know it's a ****ty situation Lenila, but believe us: This is a bad situation. Please break the cycle and don't take him back. He won't change. He'll pretend to change, you'll be convinced he changed, and yet in the end he'll be the same person he's always been. 10 years down the road you'll realize you were in an abusive relationship. Please save yourself those ten years and try to realize it now. Link to post Share on other sites
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