d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 All your fault? OMG no! You didn't get pregnant alone. He had a lot to do with that. Morality aside, an abortion is still a medical procedure. If he can't hug & comfort the woman he allegedly cares enough about to have sex with he is an uncaring jerk. For him to fail to recognize that emotional toll this particular medical procedure took on you makes him . . .well let's just say that if I expressed my distaste I'd get kicked off LS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 I'm so sorry. I had an abortion when I was younger also and it really is hard. I'm sorry that your boyfriend is unable to support you but it sounds like he does still love you but he is also dealing with this loss in his own way. I'm sure he is feeling the pain of this as well. Maybe you both just need to grieve in your own way and see if you still have something after your better. Do you have anyone else to talk to about this? Maybe seek counseling? if can't afford one, churches usually have a Pastoral Counselor that could probably meet with you for free. I know it hurts, but you will get through this. Don't quit and keep hope. It is painful to hold on to someone like him. Isn't it emotional abuse what he has done? I do not think that he is grieving at all. Isn't it the whole point of a relationship to be there when things get hard and not to just check out? Can I hear other opinions on that please? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Thank you guys so much for your answers I really appreciate it. Its good to hear that its not all my fault because that is what he said. He made me feel horrible for crying or having emotional breakdowns. There were situations where I was crying in front of him and we would fight and I said please just give me a hug and show me that you love me and he couldn't do that. Because he's not a man. He is to blame - if HE didn't wear a condom. He bailed when you needed him though - and that shows you enough to know he's not a good match. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 It is painful to hold on to someone like him. Isn't it emotional abuse what he has done? I do not think that he is grieving at all. Isn't it the whole point of a relationship to be there when things get hard and not to just check out? Can I hear other opinions on that please? Of course he's not grieving. He wanted nothing to do with you or the pregnancy. If anything, he's relieved. All that nonsense about his soul is him playing the victim card hoping you'll feel guilty and blame yourself. When someone loves and cares for you, they're there through the good and bad. This clown couldn't even give you a hug to comfort you. Even when in physical pain, he turned his back on you and chose to sleep! You have to start believing that you deserve better. Seems like you can't see that for yourself. Don't settle just because you need someone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Thingsfallapart Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Lenia, I wanted to write to you because I had the same situation with my ex lover... we were the same age... it’s been over a year since we had the procedure and have broken up now for good over 6 months ago... I also broke up with my ex 3 weeks after the procedure. Not because I didn’t love her anymore but because I was suffering really bad from the whole situation and I was really scared of the same situation happening again. I never wanted her or myself to have to go through with that ever again... After we broke up she had two one night stands with 2 guys to get revenge on me for abandoning her... and then we finally got back together... Things were never really the same after no matter how hard we tried.., So what I’m saying to you, think about how he is possibly feeling... after the abortion everyone always focuses on the woman and rightly so but everyone forgets the guilt and pain and horrible depression that the guy is going through as well. From experience I can say that he is pushing you away because he doesn’t want to put his pain on you aswell and is probably doing his best to try and be strong for you even though it doesn’t feel that way... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 Lenia, I wanted to write to you because I had the same situation with my ex lover... we were the same age... it’s been over a year since we had the procedure and have broken up now for good over 6 months ago... I also broke up with my ex 3 weeks after the procedure. Not because I didn’t love her anymore but because I was suffering really bad from the whole situation and I was really scared of the same situation happening again. I never wanted her or myself to have to go through with that ever again... After we broke up she had two one night stands with 2 guys to get revenge on me for abandoning her... and then we finally got back together... Things were never really the same after no matter how hard we tried.., So what I’m saying to you, think about how he is possibly feeling... after the abortion everyone always focuses on the woman and rightly so but everyone forgets the guilt and pain and horrible depression that the guy is going through as well. From experience I can say that he is pushing you away because he doesn’t want to put his pain on you aswell and is probably doing his best to try and be strong for you even though it doesn’t feel that way... Thank you so much for sharing this with me! However, my exboyfriend made very clear that the abortion is something from the past for him and he hasn't cried once about it. I actually think that he stopped loving me before the abortion and then when we had to go through that procedure and my depression it just all got too much for him so he checked out.. It gives me hope to know that there are empathetic men like you out there who try to support their lover and try to help. My ex is just selfish and concerned about his new business and finally moving on from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 Thank you so much for sharing this with me! However, my exboyfriend made very clear that the abortion is something from the past for him and he hasn't cried once about it. I actually think that he stopped loving me before the abortion and then when we had to go through that procedure and my depression it just all got too much for him so he checked out.. It gives me hope to know that there are empathetic men like you out there who try to support their lover and try to help. My ex is just selfish and concerned about his new business and finally moving on from this. He also told me straight forward that he doesn't love me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Thingsfallapart Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Lenia, I told my ex after that we were best to be friends... It was a poison relationship to the most extreme but to be frank I do still love her today. The fact that you made a baby together and went through that same trauma is something that will forever connect you in this life... the fact that he has continued to contact you shows that he does care. If he didn’t give a shat he would have been long ago... I also told my ex that it was in the past and we both need to let what happened go... doesn’t mean it didn’t matter... I was still apologizing to the baby every single day... everyone thinks that abortions don’t affect guys, but that’s so wrong... I had to have a lot of therapy about it and I’m a 35 year old guy who had never even thought about going to therapy before... Pain makes people behave in strange ways... I didn’t speak about the abortion with my ex until about 8 months after because I literally could not handle it. I knew I would start crying or something and I knew that if she saw me breaking that would only make her feel even worse... I’m telling you all this because by the time I told my ex about my feeling it was too late and she had already cheated on me a number of times as revenge and the relationship had turned extremely poisonous... Just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true in the cases of relationships and love, right? Sit down and talk to him properly. Tell him he owes you that much after what you went through and he will understand Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 Lenia, I told my ex after that we were best to be friends... It was a poison relationship to the most extreme but to be frank I do still love her today. The fact that you made a baby together and went through that same trauma is something that will forever connect you in this life... the fact that he has continued to contact you shows that he does care. If he didn’t give a shat he would have been long ago... I also told my ex that it was in the past and we both need to let what happened go... doesn’t mean it didn’t matter... I was still apologizing to the baby every single day... everyone thinks that abortions don’t affect guys, but that’s so wrong... I had to have a lot of therapy about it and I’m a 35 year old guy who had never even thought about going to therapy before... Pain makes people behave in strange ways... I didn’t speak about the abortion with my ex until about 8 months after because I literally could not handle it. I knew I would start crying or something and I knew that if she saw me breaking that would only make her feel even worse... I’m telling you all this because by the time I told my ex about my feeling it was too late and she had already cheated on me a number of times as revenge and the relationship had turned extremely poisonous... Just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true in the cases of relationships and love, right? Sit down and talk to him properly. Tell him he owes you that much after what you went through and he will understand I reached out to his sister after your message and talked to her. She didn't even know yet what happened and explained that the men and their family have a very unhealthy way of dealing with loss because of the way their dad is. She will talk to him tomorrow and see if he opens up. I sent him a message 2 days ago that if he is over this for good he should let me know but he never responded. Last week he sent me 2 messages saying that he still cares, he didn't want to exchange apartment keys, our pictures are still on his social media.. I have no idea what to think about all of this. The bottom line is that he let me down and that he wasn't there when I needed him the most. He turnt into this cold monster and didn't care about anyone but himself and his business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 UPDATE: he just texted me asking if I completely moved on and I told him Ill always be there to have his back but that I think he reacted the way he did because of certain things in the past that make him emotional distant. He straight up told me that I am the only one to blame because of my emotional instability and because i can't love myself. How can he say something like that after everything I have been through the last 2 month? I am in loss for words. I need help and thoughts please Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 UPDATE: he just texted me asking if I completely moved on and I told him Ill always be there to have his back but that I think he reacted the way he did because of certain things in the past that make him emotional distant. He straight up told me that I am the only one to blame because of my emotional instability and because i can't love myself. How can he say something like that after everything I have been through the last 2 month? I am in loss for words. I need help and thoughts please This man is a pile of trash. Be glad you discovered just how abusive he is before your lives were forever connected by a child. Yes it hurts, but you'll be able to move on from this and live a happy life and not be saddle by this POS jerk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thingsfallapart Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Lenia, I don’t have any more advice. And there’s only so much I would want to say on an open forum, even if it is anonymous... I think we are 2 sides to the same coin and I wanted to be there for you and help you through any things that you might be going through because of what happened... This guy does seem pretty heartless... So I don’t know what to say... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 (edited) Lenia, I don’t have any more advice. And there’s only so much I would want to say on an open forum, even if it is anonymous... I think we are 2 sides to the same coin and I wanted to be there for you and help you through any things that you might be going through because of what happened... This guy does seem pretty heartless... So I don’t know what to say... Thank you so much for all your responses. As for now moving on has become a little bit easier because of all the awful things he said. I think it made him very upset that I told him that I think him breaking up with me has less to do with me and more with him. I said that we all bring our baggage into relationships and I was willing to unpack his with him and that no matter how we end up I would always be a woman who has his back. I don't know what exactly I triggered inside him but I don't understand why he went off on me like that and blamed me for EVERYTHING after I lost my grandpa, went through the abortion and lost him as a partner. I do think that he needs professional help. Just like me. I will get my stuff next week when I am emotionally more distant and he still owes me A LOT of money so I will take care of that but than move on and never look back. Edited February 11, 2018 by Lenila1992 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I am 26 years old, he is 31. He said he will stay away for a while so that he can "heal" which is silly to me because his response to my grief was " those fcking things weren't even alive".. so no. We were not able to talk. What an absolutely horrible and heartless thing to say.... You just need to move on...If it's any consolation(and I know it probably isn't), he sounds like a complete jackass and would never be father material.. Take care of yourself... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 He texted again and went off on me..: I want you to stop trying anything and everything to get your way. You involved my family and now you’ve created a brand new set of problems. My sister told my mom and about the abortion and I wasn’t ready to talk about that with them but you just do whatever you want. You get into my family dynamic and share our difficulties. Now my whole family knows and is talking about things that are NOT your place to tell them. The list goes on until next week about your antics. I don’t believe you tried calling me and the phone went to vm so then you called my sister? I think you’re a manipulator and a hypochondriac. He makes me feel like an awful person... I am completely heartbroken. Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 He texted again and went off on me..: I want you to stop trying anything and everything to get your way. You involved my family and now you’ve created a brand new set of problems. My sister told my mom and about the abortion and I wasn’t ready to talk about that with them but you just do whatever you want. You get into my family dynamic and share our difficulties. Now my whole family knows and is talking about things that are NOT your place to tell them. The list goes on until next week about your antics. I don’t believe you tried calling me and the phone went to vm so then you called my sister? I think you’re a manipulator and a hypochondriac. It's so much easier to blame someone else than take personal responsibility and own your sh*t. Obviously, he has zero self awareness and he wants you to take blame for all of the guilt/shame he's feeling right now. Don't do it! Don't fall for his manipulative blame shifting. Please take care of you and your emotional needs right now, and block this douche from ever being able to contact you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Thingsfallapart Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 I agree with the above poster. You really did nothing wrong and he is shifting the blame onto you to make it easier for himself... Keep your head up Lenia Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 You involved my family... ...so then you called my sister? I'm a little confused... You called his sister and told his sister about the abortion?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 13, 2018 Author Share Posted February 13, 2018 I did not. Thats what he thinks. I just emailed her to look out for him because of his denial behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 I did not. Thats what he thinks. I just emailed her to look out for him because of his denial behavior. Did you mention the abortion in the e-mail?? I'm a little confused as to why you would contact his family at all... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Although I am on your side 100% I can see why he "thinks" that you contacting his sister was a way of trying to manipulate him. Even though that was not your intention he sees it this way and is using this as an excuse to blame you. There is no point in contacting him or his family moving forward. Go strict NC. The relationship seems to be over and the more you can accept that the faster your healing process will start. I am so sorry this happened to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 18, 2018 Author Share Posted February 18, 2018 Hey, maybe a few of you guys red my last post about me getting left alone after losing my grandpa and going through an abortion by the man that promised me he would never leave my side. I just want to hear your guys opinion about where my relationship to that man might have gone wrong and where I might have made mistakes so that I can learn for the future and have healthy relationships at some point. I try to make this entire story as short as possible. We had a really bad crisis in January after we found out that I was almost 2 month pregnant with twins. Right before that my grandpa has passed away and I had to start my masters program one day after the abortion. I was completely overwhelmed, cried a lot, wasn't really myself. Only 2 days after the abortion he told me he was sexually frustrated and expressed concerns about our relationship. Things started to get really bad because I felt like I wasn't getting any emotional support from him. He broke up one day after he left me a letter about how amazing I am and how much he loves me and after we made vacation plans. He said the days he loved me are over and that he can't deal with how emotional unstable I am, my inability to love myself and his sexual frustration. He said I am the only one to blame for the fact that our relationship ended. Now that I look back I feel like there were many red flags along the way like him constantly picking on my flaws ( I wasn't curvy enough for him, he wanted me to leave my hear curly, he criticized that Im too shy and don't talk enough...). He made me feel like **** about myself sometimes but for some reason I didn't question our relationship. Another time I had to study and stay at home. He was broke and kinda unhappy / depressed so I gave him money to go out and meet up with his friends. He ended coming home and was super noisy. I asked him a couple times to be quiet since I had a test at 7am the next morning. He called me a brat so I left his place because it really hurt me. That night on my home I ended up in a really bad car accident because of a drunk driver. He never apologized once for what happened that night. In fact he told me that he would call me a brat again if I would act that way again. One time he went to a strip club and did MDMA with his friends. He told me he was at a concert and I found out when a message popped up on the phone. Til the very end he told me thats only my fault, too and that I just over reacted like always. Looking back on this entire relationship I feel like I gut used by someone who didn't really loved me and just wanted my help with buying his business. I borrowed him a bunch of money so that he could make his dream come true. I am still devestated now since he's really blaming everything on me. How is it possible that he mistreated me so badly and I did not realize it? Is there something wrong with me? Is he right about me not being able to love myself enough? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 can someone share his thoughts about this with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 I don't know if that's narcissism or he's just a jerk. I think you should count yourself lucky to see him in the rearview mirror Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 We can't diagnose him. But if a person makes your life miserable, then you should not be with them. Link to post Share on other sites
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