Everything he says is Perfect - Am I being played?

[paloma22]

k but how is you slo mo walking to music around a Bentley supposed to help OP know if her guy is a player.

 

Though it is pretty obvious enough he is

 

i thought he was a player but something about it still makes me think hes not. i don't know. he sits at home and plays video games with his friends a lot. hes social but doesnt seem to have time to date bc he works so much. we talk quite often. on paper he is a player but i'm still not sure. also why would he spend $2k to see me for 3 weeks if he has all sorts of sides pieces at home. and want to share his calendar and 'find my friend' on phone. to me it doesn't add up. but at same time all this stuff is super extreme. i dunno.

[paloma22]

It does seem too good to be true. Since he's in your field, start asking around to see if you can connect to him academically. I have tried to verify that people are in my field; most times it's true but every once is while I'd poser.

 

Assuming he's legitimate, can you hold your emotions in check?

 

If so, date him but don't give your heart away or give him money. Use this two years to keep the breaks on. If he can't do that he may not be all that well balanced.

 

ive definitely confirmed who he is academically online. he is an assistant prof as well. its all there.

 

i definitely have no $ to give him as im a student atm, i am being partially supported by family however. in saying this, he seems to want to give me the world financially, even though he probably knows i don't really need it. but the way he offers it is just so weird (wanting to give me his credit info, wanting to pick up shifts to give me $ to spend on myself, etc). all of this is talk, but then again he did buy the flowers on a complete whim yesterday for v day. i didn't feel too guilty about asking for those however.

Edited February 8, 2018 by paloma22

[newyorker11356]

i thought he was a player but something about it still makes me think hes not. i don't know. he sits at home and plays video games with his friends a lot. hes social but doesnt seem to have time to date bc he works so much. we talk quite often. on paper he is a player but i'm still not sure. also why would he spend $2k to see me for 3 weeks if he has all sorts of sides pieces at home. and want to share his calendar and 'find my friend' on phone. to me it doesn't add up. but at same time all this stuff is super extreme. i dunno.

 

He might just be awkward or not good at dating. He might be trying to buy your affection with money.

[Interstellar]

Tell him he needs to slow down and he’s moving too fast for you.

 

Guys don’t pick up hints.

 

This reminds me of an episode on Millionaire Matchmaker about some guy who went on a first date and was completely smitten by her, so smitten that he proposed marriage to her on that very date; I think it was during a helicopter ride. They were consumed by their emotions so naturally she slept with him. A few days later guy got cold feet and called it off. She was hurt, of course and he was gone. It was too much too soon.

 

I would be careful with this guy. He doesn’t seem to have any self control whatsoever.

 

Let me tell you something else about us guys, he could have multiple masters and doctorates and still be a complete idiot when it comes to women. Those are facts.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Interstellar

[Cookiesandough]

i thought he was a player but something about it still makes me think hes not. i don't know. he sits at home and plays video games with his friends a lot. hes social but doesnt seem to have time to date bc he works so much. we talk quite often. on paper he is a player but i'm still not sure. also why would he spend $2k to see me for 3 weeks if he has all sorts of sides pieces at home. and want to share his calendar and 'find my friend' on phone. to me it doesn't add up. but at same time all this stuff is super extreme. i dunno.

 

Some guys actually like to spend money on chicks. Idk know why. They like to

"Take you shopping" and stuff like that. They get off on it or something.

 

 

It might not be about that though. It might just be it's easier for him to get chicks to fall for him that way. I might do it too if I were a guy. The fact he is lovebombing then going silent is telling me he is a player. If you feel something is off about it and have to ask if you're getting played you usually are.

 

I'd also find someone who lives closer next time

Edited February 8, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[lovephule]

He sounds more kinky than like a player to me. You could read up on findom and see how much fits what you know of him.

[Cookiesandough]

He might have a little of that in him I’m thinking but you sleep with him “all the way” gonna drop off. I’d put my monies on It

 

 

And man I wish I was a guy. I’d be spoiling all kinds of honies this way. But nah not to dominate them.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[paloma22]

He might have a little of that in him I’m thinking but you sleep with him “all the way” gonna drop off. I’d put my monies on It

 

 

And man I wish I was a guy. I’d be spoiling all kinds of honies this way. But nah not to dominate them.

 

we actually slept together on the ski trip. i was sick as a dog too haha.

[paloma22]

He sounds more kinky than like a player to me. You could read up on findom and see how much fits what you know of him.

 

ok i will, thanks. yes he also talks about buying me 'fun' outfits (in the form of lingerie etc) and wanting me to wear something tight and sexy when we go out (which isn't usually my style). i still haven't figured out what he means by fun outfits, but im thinking maybe corsets or whatever - hes seen me in lingerie before though.

[paloma22]

Tell him he needs to slow down and he’s moving too fast for you.

 

Guys don’t pick up hints.

 

This reminds me of an episode on Millionaire Matchmaker about some guy who went on a first date and was completely smitten by her, so smitten that he proposed marriage to her on that very date; I think it was during a helicopter ride. They were consumed by their emotions so naturally she slept with him. A few days later guy got cold feet and called it off. She was hurt, of course and he was gone. It was too much too soon.

 

I would be careful with this guy. He doesn’t seem to have any self control whatsoever.

 

Let me tell you something else about us guys, he could have multiple masters and doctorates and still be a complete idiot when it comes to women. Those are facts.

 

haha i am fairly educated as well but obviously lost when it comes to this stuff. i can appreciate it is a separate personality trait but agree that he seems to have no self control. i do want to put on the breaks, and have been, but he keeps trying to re vamp things.

 

also some are saying he drops off the face of the earth then love bombs. i guess that is true, there will be a day or 2 i wont speak to him but we are also 2 very busy people living in entirely opposite time zones. it wouldn't be realistic to expect anything else, would it? does that necessarily mean hes a player?

[Cookiesandough]

Oh sht I missed that. This is why I’d have no money... that and spending it on girls.

 

 

Still, somethinb tells me this lovevombing is not gonna last though. Not until the next shiner comes along which is how this kind of thing works if they don’t lose interest completely after the ‘conquest’

 

I hope I’m wrong though and you live happily ever after. Just keep your boundaries strong!!!

[olivetree]

Oh sht I missed that. This is why I’d have no money... that and spending it on girls.

 

 

Still, somethinb tells me this lovevombing is not gonna last though. Not until the next shiner comes along which is how this kind of thing works if they don’t lose interest completely after the ‘conquest’

 

I hope I’m wrong though and you live happily ever after. Just keep your boundaries strong!!!

 

I don't think this is about finding the next shiner.

 

I think this sums it up.

[Cookiesandough]

Oh I totally agree olive. But I think the novelty will wear off and I don’t think it’s sustainable.

Edited February 9, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[olivetree]

True dat.

 

Btw, since when did "take all my passwords and track me on GPS" make a woman's panties fall off?

[GreenTea937]

He sounds too good to be true, but something seems off. Dont dismiss him just yet, but keep your eyes open.

 

I find it suspicious that he wont date in his hometown. Does he have a terrible reputation that no woman will date him within a 60 mile radius? Thats a big red flag that someone like him will date online, a woman so so far from him.

 

He wants you to leave your job. Dont do it! He might drop you and you wont have a source of income. It almost feels like he wants to see how far you are willing to go for him. Are you ready to sacrifice your career for him? He likes the challenge of you dropping things that mean a lot to you for him. It fuels his ego. Once you do it, he will lose interest in you.

 

Right now, dont get attached but if he's willing to pay, have fun on his dime.

[paloma22]

He sounds more kinky than like a player to me. You could read up on findom and see how much fits what you know of him.

 

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=findom

 

wow. this sounds exactly like him. i think you nailed it. he keeps talking about how he likes a girl to be high maintenance/demanding + it seems make expensive demands on his dime.

[paloma22]

He sounds too good to be true, but something seems off. Dont dismiss him just yet, but keep your eyes open.

 

I find it suspicious that he wont date in his hometown. Does he have a terrible reputation that no woman will date him within a 60 mile radius? Thats a big red flag that someone like him will date online, a woman so so far from him.

 

He wants you to leave your job. Dont do it! He might drop you and you wont have a source of income. It almost feels like he wants to see how far you are willing to go for him. Are you ready to sacrifice your career for him? He likes the challenge of you dropping things that mean a lot to you for him. It fuels his ego. Once you do it, he will lose interest in you.

 

Right now, dont get attached but if he's willing to pay, have fun on his dime.

 

i think he will date in his hometown but he's been there a long time. he could easily still be dating others. all i know is he TOLD me he deleted the app we met on. i haven't deleted mine and he knows that. tbh im not super keen on dating others bc im also very busy.

 

i would never sacrifice my career for him, but i am in an intensive professional program and i hope he thinks i wouldn't drop things for him. the funny thing is i haven't done anything to change my life for him - hes always accommodated me. i think its part of this submissive findom thing. i think he LIKES it in some weird way. but there is usually always a catch.

[paloma22]

True dat.

 

Btw, since when did "take all my passwords and track me on GPS" make a woman's panties fall off?

 

yea. this one i cannot figure out. he keeps saying its because he has nothing to hide. but like ????

 

maybe hes trying to gauge MY level of crazy. tbh i am not against any of this, but its just a bit extreme and ridiculous. i have zero control over what hes doing back home. i am here doing my thing and hes doing who knows over there. ive had a lot of men ghost and blind side me with a break up over the years so i guess its what i expect... (which is sad lol)

Edited February 9, 2018 by paloma22

[paloma22]

He sounds too good to be true, but something seems off. Dont dismiss him just yet, but keep your eyes open.

 

This is exactly how I feel about it. I just don't know how to balance the eyes open with enjoying the ride/this semi fun experience without getting hurt.

[paloma22]

Oh sht I missed that. This is why I’d have no money... that and spending it on girls.

 

 

Still, somethinb tells me this lovevombing is not gonna last though. Not until the next shiner comes along which is how this kind of thing works if they don’t lose interest completely after the ‘conquest’

 

I hope I’m wrong though and you live happily ever after. Just keep your boundaries strong!!!

 

sorry what do you mean by shiner?

[SpecialJ]

Be careful. He sounds emotionally unstable at best and like a narcissist at worst. I see some narcissist red flags in here, personally. Guys who pressure you to accept gifts and money early on can 1. want to make you feel obligated 2. have nothing else to really offer you so need to flatter you and buy you off before you figure out who they really are. Love bombing was already mentioned. Little digs at you and saying weird things about controlling something about you may slowly start to escalate. Making you feel intense intimacy immediately, in spite of not actually knowing each other yet, and pushing for commitment really soon (let's get off the dating app!) can be big red flags with this kind of person.

 

I agree with posters who say to put down firm boundaries and stick to them. Nothing unreasonable or games to test him, but he's pushing your boundaries right now and it sounds like you know where your comfort zone actually is. If he's truly bad news, which I believe he is from your gut telling you something is off, he won't be able to tolerate any boundaries you have for very long. He'll be pushing at them or even guilt tripping you if his actions are actually all about him and not about his feelings for you. If he respects you and has your best intentions at heart, he'll want to do what's right for you and what makes you feel comfortable.

 

I hope he's for real for your sake, but I've been in bad love bombing situations before and this sounds too familiar (though, with way more money!). Once that controlling side comes out more, the honeymoon period quickly becomes not worth it. It can be easy for anyone to get sucked in, more so for people who may feel lonely or insecure. I've learned that those stronger boundaries early on are the best protection.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he sounds too good to be true at all - quite the opposite, actually.

 

I think he sounds completely bizarre and his behaviour is off-putting. In my mind, a "perfect" man also maintains some sense moderation and self-control. This guy lacks that. A guy who is truly a good catch can strike the right balance between showing interest and excitement, and employing sound judgement and taking his time to get to know a woman for who she is. Again, not present here.

 

Him being a player would not be my only concern here. He is showing some serious red flags that could indicate a host of other problems. Personally, I'd give him a hard pass and focus instead on finding a guy who has a more grounded, stable approach. That is what is likely to bring long-term success.

[irresolute]

To me, it sounds like a very inexperienced man.

Like his only way to seduce a woman is with money.

Also, a guy that is successful and experienced doesnt get involved with someone who lives that far away. That may be because he has zero sexual experience (that doesn't necessarily means he's bad at it, it just means he doesn't know how to seduce a woman)

 

All that you tell about him is so awcquard it just makes me laugh.

 

I'd run, fast. This guy seems like a weirdo, not a dangerous one, just a problematic one.

[lurker74]

Reading more and more...sleeping with you while you were sick as a dog - wanting you to wear certain outfits...this guy is a submissive and he wants you to dominate him. Maybe not physically but probably that way as well. OOC, what was he like in bed? Was he a take control type or the opposite (and not, I'm not trolling for details, just broad strokes, no pun intended)?

 

You might just ask him if that's what he's into. Then, if he is, you have to decide how you feel about that. Just understand that people who have fetishes don't ever really let go of that fetish so if it's true, don't expect it to be a phase.

 

Still, it could be worse. At least you get treated decently if this were true. More than decently, really.

[paloma22]

Reading more and more...sleeping with you while you were sick as a dog - wanting you to wear certain outfits...this guy is a submissive and he wants you to dominate him. Maybe not physically but probably that way as well. OOC, what was he like in bed? Was he a take control type or the opposite (and not, I'm not trolling for details, just broad strokes, no pun intended)?

 

You might just ask him if that's what he's into. Then, if he is, you have to decide how you feel about that. Just understand that people who have fetishes don't ever really let go of that fetish so if it's true, don't expect it to be a phase.

 

Still, it could be worse. At least you get treated decently if this were true. More than decently, really.

 

yes i agree with you - i think its clear he is a closet submissive. i think in his work he has to be sort of alpha - lots of quick life changing decisions. some of my friends were joking i was gonna be a dom. never really been with someone like this before. funny thing is its not really my personality but with him its kinda fun bc he will just do what i say.

 

i have a question about the submissive personality thing. imo he comes off as fairly confident, not in any way insecure, etc. socially, i would say he is engaging but not overly. he is good at blending into different scenarios. i guess the sub personality type is common for a semi 'alpha' guy or is that less common? i just find it interesting. im trying to figure him out.

 

when i was sick he didn't have a condom so the sex was not full on if you will. but we also did everything else. i would say it was pretty even split but the first time we were together only i was pleasured. tmi? in general though i can be pretty demanding in bed so maybe that will be good for him.

 

also, is him wanting me to wear certain outfits part of the submissive thing? wouldn't it be other way around? other day he said i could pick his underwear for him lol. he has asked me about my fantasies and role play but i don't think hes been fully honest yet. my friend highlighted today that technically we've been on like 4 dates total.

 

he wrote me today telling me hes close to getting all the time off to come visit.

Edited February 10, 2018 by paloma22