Saddest story ever told she dumped me again and I am in pain –

[Lostsoulseeking]

I thought maybe we should meet and talk. Mostly due to me making many assumptions and I wanted to let her know that I loved her and I was sorry for hurting her. I want her to thrive without me and that she deserves a great life.

 

But then I thought about it.

 

That meeting will only bring me more pain and prolong it.

 

She already has the so called power knowing that I was heavily impacted.

No more games, I rather she have the power

[Lostsoulseeking]

Dear ex,

I hope you find happiness. I do love you. I appoligize that I did not say I love you ever, it was immature of me. I love you.

 

You are a wonderful, beautiful woman who deserved much more than I gave. Timing was not right for me in the beginning fresh off my divorce to take on a full time girlfriend. To me, being in a committed relationship means completely giving yourself, your attention and love and I was not ready for that. Remember, I made a pact to be single for at least two years? Well we stretched our on an and off relationship to almost what will be 2 years next month 3-12-2018.

 

I feel I have missed an opportunity to have been with an amazing woman. Giving my entire self to you as you very well have deserved. I was fantasizing about this over the holidays but did not tell you. My fantasy was that I would sort of "pop the question" not to be married but to profess my feelings for you, it was to be very dramatic and wonderful. I'm sorry. This is my loss and it is an immeasurable loss. Being there when you need a soulmate to steer you, confide in or comfort you in times of trouble, to hold you when you are sad, to love you.

 

I messed up big time.

 

They say you dont know what you have until its gone and that rings so true for me. Losing a Lover and a best friend in one shot is devastating.

 

I purposley sabatoged the relationship with behaviour that I knew was unattractive to women. I acted cold at times, brought up negative things all the time, did not treat you special, I did not take you on

special dates, all on purpose so you could ween off of me, I wanted to protect your heart so you could move on gracefully. But now I realize that instead of protecting you, I weakend your spirit and

impacted your self-estem. Now I feel like I was a coward. I am sorry. I cannot forgive myself for this.

 

I took you for granted. I'm sorry.

 

Somehow along he way I developed deep feelings for you. I miss the compainionship. I miss your precense. I miss your laugh.

I miss your strength and vulnerability. I miss your nerdiness and bluntness. I miss your bad memory. I miss giving you a tender healing kiss.

I miss your quirkiness. I miss your sense of humor. I miss your quotes. I miss my best friend.

 

This is a letter you will never see but just so you know. You were right, I did discover how wonderful you were and I blew my chance to to be with an amazing beautiful woman.

 

I will love you always,

[Lostsoulseeking]

Hi LostSoulSearching,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know that it is painful. But wallowing in this grief might not help you in the end. The only thing I can give you is to encourage you to take care of yourself first. If she has really moved on and you are stuck thinking about her, it is not going to help you. If I were you I would try my best to enjoy life, meet new people and be physically, spiritually and emotionally healthy. Have you ever considered seeking some professional counseling even from a local pastor? If someone new comes along and you are a great and fun person to be around with, maybe you'll end up in a healthier relationship.

 

Thank you for your reply. I am working out every day and eating right and plan

to work on my dreams and purpose. I’ve been talking with friends, getting others perspectives. A friend today suggested that I should give her a break because she was confused. I’m sure she thought I was seeing other women.

That is entirely my fault.

 

Once after we had a talk, she asked if I was going to date others. I said I plan to but not at this time. She asked well what if I go off. My reply was I really have no right to say you cannot, but please I don’t want to know about it and please keep me protected from Health risks. Be open and honest.

 

So it’s all on me. I don’t deserve pity, I deserve this pain.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Lostsoulseeking

[Lostsoulseeking]

Will she think of me in a negative or positive light?

 

Will she freak out again like the last break and try and contact

me as the backup plan even though I said specifically not to do that?

 

I think I’m gonna go buy a nice outfit and get out this weekend as a completey single guy for the first time since forever to see what the universe has in store for me.

 

I’m an attractive man, late forties but even the twenty somethings

find me attractive. The other person I went out with for a few weeks was mid thirties. She told that she was shocked and was sure I was younger than her. I am 15 years older. The ex is mid fourties.

[Lostsoulseeking]

Woke up angry and sad.

 

I was blindsided by my best friend, then my best friend had no shame posting

the courtship publicly on Facebook.

 

This is so out of character for her based on her past and how compassionate she is to others.

 

I don’t think it was fully planned out by her, like women typically do. I think it just happened and she just dealt with it in her own way.

 

My guess is she was with this guy the night before the pictures in the woods.

She did not want to confront me about it, hence two days later she asks to take a step back at the end of our conversation where I was asking about her kid.

She lied to me and said it was just her and the pets and did not want to have a detailed breakup discussion because of what happened two days before.

 

This would explain why she did not want to have a full on breakup talk that day.

 

She’s the type of person who would think things through and consider all involved and the discussions which have to take place. She would not knowingly do this if she knew I’d be out of her life forever. She counted on me being plan B.

 

My pain comes mostly in the way this went down.

 

I’m am angry she did this to me. I am sad knowing that she had no regards for my heart and she was my best friend.

 

I never want to see her for the rest of my life.

[divegrl]

Hi LostSoul

 

I’m am so sorry you are hurting. This must be a really tough situation.

 

I think many of us on LS have experienced the same emotions during a breakup. It’s hard but we are here for you.

 

Also, no pressure, but there is a coping section here on LS. You might want to post over there; you might get more support from people experiencing the same thing.

 

Hugs my friend!

[Lostsoulseeking]

Woke up angry and sad.

 

I was blindsided by my best friend, then my best friend had no shame posting the courtship in the Woods, what I think was the day after she was intimate with another on Facebook where I could see it.

 

This is so out of character for her based on her past and how compassionate she is to others.

 

I don’t think it was fully planned out by her, like women typically do. I think it just happened and she just dealt with it in her own way.

 

My guess is she was with intimate with this guy the night before the pictures in the woods.

 

She did not want to confront me about it, she would never hurt me that bad hence two days later she asks to take a step back at the end of our conversation where I was asking about her kid.

 

She lied to me and said it was just her and the pets and did not want to have a detailed breakup discussion because of what happened two days before.

 

This would explain why she did not want to have a full on breakup talk that day.

 

She’s the type of person who would think things through and consider all involved and the discussions which have to take place. She would not knowingly do this if she knew I’d be out of her life forever. She counted on me being plan B.

 

My pain comes mostly in the way this went down.

 

I’m am angry she did this to me and did not think it through. It’s partially my fault for not communicating that after break#2, if she left again and was intimate that I would be out for good. At least she would have the info needed to make a clear choice. I am sad knowing that she had no regards for my heart and she was my best friend.

 

I never want to see her for the rest of my life.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Lostsoulseeking
Update

[Lostsoulseeking]

Hi LostSoul

 

I’m am so sorry you are hurting. This must be a really tough situation.

 

I think many of us on LS have experienced the same emotions during a breakup. It’s hard but we are here for you.

 

Also, no pressure, but there is a coping section here on LS. You might want to post over there; you might get more support from people experiencing the same thing.

 

Hugs my friend!

 

Thank you so much for the support.

[Lostsoulseeking]

I asked myself the following:

 

What do I want?

 

Do I want to somehow manipulate my way back into her heart so we can pursue the full on relationship. Would is this be a good idea? I don't think it would because I would going into it with a level of resentment for what happened and questioning myself for not going through with my plan to stay single and date others, really understand my match, then be open to a relationship. I would basically feel trapped into something not initiated by me.

 

So to answer the question, what I want for me is to take some time for myself to focus on my health, my dream of making it big, my kids, my career, which in the end will allow me to fulfill what I believe is my "purpose" which is to do my part in healing the world by the way of helping others. During this time I will also meet and date others and that is perfectly okay since this was my plan all along.

 

If down the road "I " feel like I want to reconnect with my ex, I will do so but if I do, it will be with a clean heart and without resentment.

 

Given our relationship situation, and how I kept it in an ambiguous state, I have to take at least half the blame for lack of communication. There were no clear guidelines to what each of us could or could not do. That was mostly my fault. I was on Dating sites, I did not want to commit to her. She has every right to meet others. She did not intend to hurt me, it just happened and the explosion of feelings within me happened too. I take responsibility for keeping her in an unstable relationship and therefore impacting her self-esteem i'm sure. If after a period of time and after all this If I feel she is "My" best choice as a long term partner, I will make an effort to contact her. If she is not available at that future time then it was not meant to be at that future time.

 

There is one remaining question in my mind and that is this.

During our call, I basically told her to not contact me again, I did not say never contact me but it was implied. I was openly bitter that she lined up my replacement before "taking a step back" and having a real discussion about what that meant. I am 100% that I do not want any contact with her during this period and I do not have a time-frame. I don't want to know anything about what is going on with her and I also need her to experience my long term absence to see if I really did mean something to her.

 

I feel like I closed the door shut and left her with a bad last impression.

I don't want her to feel guilt when she thinks about me. I also don't want to set any expectations, make promises or leave false hope.

I don't want to communicate anything in any shape or form that appears I am trying to manipulate her because I am not.

 

I have to think this one through. I have to send some of her stuff back in a box, I was thinking to leave a small note within the box.

 

Maybe I can just say: Please remember the good times we had and know that there are no hard feelings. Like you, I need some time and space for myself now, please respect that.

 

What do you think? Should I tell her that I loved her and feel bad that I never said it? Even though it is true, it seems it would come off as pulling heart strings.

 

Please, let me know what you all think. Letter or no Letter?

 

If letter, should I give any details of my empowerment plan?

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Lostsoulseeking
update

[springy]

I don't think you could squeeze back in right now even if you tried. Remember she is in a new relationship and probably a tad miffed that in 2 years you wouldn't commit.

 

Didn't you say you didn't want anything to do with her after she slept with someone else? Maybe I have the wrong thread.

 

I would leave communication alone for now. She is already respecting your wishes - she has not reached out has she? Maybe after some time has passed and your emotions have normalized, MAYBE then reach out...but honestly if there is no getting back together now that she has been with someone else I'm not sure what the point would be? Good memories will drop into her mind naturally after emotions have settled and time has passed.

 

I think it's too soon to do anything right now. No to the letter regardless. You want her to read your confessions of love with her new boyfriend? Not to be harsh, I think that's a bad idea especially since she has a new beau. Just give yourself time. One day you'll see it for what it was - a rebound situation you weren't ready for, and hopefully you won't care what she thinks anymore.

[Lostsoulseeking]

I don't think you could squeeze back in right now even if you tried. Remember she is in a new relationship and probably a tad miffed that in 2 years you wouldn't commit.

 

Didn't you say you didn't want anything to do with her after she slept with someone else? Maybe I have the wrong thread.

 

I would leave communication alone for now. She is already respecting your wishes - she has not reached out has she? Maybe after some time has passed and your emotions have normalized, MAYBE then reach out...but honestly if there is no getting back together now that she has been with someone else I'm not sure what the point would be? Good memories will drop into her mind naturally after emotions have settled and time has passed.

 

I think it's too soon to do anything right now. No to the letter regardless. You want her to read your confessions of love with her new boyfriend? Not to be harsh, I think that's a bad idea especially since she has a new beau. Just give yourself time. One day you'll see it for what it was - a rebound situation you weren't ready for, and hopefully you won't care what she thinks anymore.

 

Thanks for your support. To answer your question about never wanting to be with her again if she slept with someone else. It is true I said that however I said that when I considered what she did was cheating. She did not cheat, I left her in a limbo, non-committal and basically FWB situation. Yes, I prefer she would have gone about it differently but I can't accuse her of cheating when we were not official, we were never official, that was my choice. So with that said, my mindset has changed. If she finds a more compatible mate then by all means, go for it. I have extreme confidence in myself, she fell in love with me and the intimacy was off the charts for her. It was mediocre for me but actually was getting better as I became closer to her. This happened besides the fact that I did not give her my full heart ever. If I did, she would be madly in love with me today, as would I her, that is a 100% certainty. I know how to treat a woman. I now how to make a woman feel special, I have a lot to give and someone, somewhere, sometime will feel that love. I did not do this for her and she still fell in love. To me that means if I decide to give it another shot and with a clean heart, it means I know she and I are meant to be together, and she will know it too. I will actually put in the effort she deserves. If that happens it will be magical (me tearing up)..

 

 

This is the reason why I am now empowered. I truly do not want her right now! Not because she is not awesome but because we BOTH need this break. We both need to heal and find our way.

 

She was heavily impacted by her divorce, her husband left her and she is still devastated where this life turn has taken her. I was not heavily impacted. I may have been the rebound for her, she was not my rebound. I'm so thankful that I am divorced and I would never have it any other way.

 

I am fully empowered now because I am calling my own shots. I found the silver lining. I am not intimidated by other men. If they are more right for her than I, then so be it.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Lostsoulseeking

[CantTakeMySmile]

You still don't sound like you know what you want. Please leave her be.

[springy]

Being thankful that you divorced does not necessarily mean you weren't rebounding, or were ready to date. You were dating from a place of neediness (not wanting to be alone). I think your plan to stay single (truly single) is a good one for now. I still recommend staying no contact with this lady.

[Lostsoulseeking]

You pinpointed an extremely important fact.

After the divorce I was working on self-improvement and made it to a better place. I was very healthy and becoming happy with myself but ready to date was probably not true. Desperate to fill my needs was a better description.

 

This person entered my life during this time and I knew I did not want to be with her long term from the start. Not that she was not wonderful but because I was not ready.

 

Taking care of me went by the wayside and my state of happines, mind and body

went into a slow decline. This was not her fault, she enhanced my world and was always positive, nurturing and loving. I should have been stronger and broke it off after she fell in love. I just couldn’t hurt her after what happened to her and her marriage. She claimed to be ready for a relationship but I am certain she was not. She was looking to fill the void too. I was her rebound too.

 

Both she and I need to be out there right now finding our way and not together and this point in time.

 

She always said I would regret not being with her and I would later realize how awesome she is. She was right.

[Lostsoulseeking]

You don't think you would take her back? She is not girlfriend materiel? Am i missing something? Why would she take YOU back. You clearly are not bf materiel. You offered her nothing and so she is returning the favor. You jerked her around, cheated on her and have the nerve to superior yourself if she touched another guy. WTF. YOU CHEATED ON HER. (But not full intimacy...ok)

 

Honestly, the best thing is for you to continue to be a pompous ass. She will find her forever, wether it be this guy or the next. You dont love her and never did, so what do you need support for?

 

Do you even read what you write? You don't paint a good picture of yourself.

 

The mirror is your truth. She did nothing wrong. You treated her badly and another man stepped up to the plate and she left you. You deserve what you have...nothing.

 

She broke up with me during this time (break #2). She was fully intimate with someone for maybe a month during the break claiming she went with him because he claimed he wanted a relationship. Now I question all of that. Now knowing the deal. He was newly separated from his wife at the time. So what woman would pursue a man for a stable relationship when he is not even fully divorced? Was it a crock? I tried to forget that period of time but I should have asked more questions and paid attention. At that time we were broken up, I met that woman and dated her for 3 weeks. We did not have full intimacy. So it is incorrect to say I cheated on her.

[Lostsoulseeking]

Dear ex,

I hope you find happiness. I do love you. I appoligize that I did not say I love you ever, it was immature of me. I love you.

 

You are a wonderful, beautiful woman who deserved much more than I gave. Timing was not right for me in the beginning fresh off my divorce to take on a full time girlfriend. To me, being in a committed relationship means completely giving yourself, your attention and love and I was not ready for that. Remember, I made a pact to be single for at least two years? Well we stretched our on an and off relationship to almost what will be 2 years next month 3-12-2018.

 

I feel I have missed an opportunity to have been with an amazing woman. Giving my entire self to you as you very well have deserved. I was fantasizing about this over the holidays but did not tell you. My fantasy was that I would sort of "pop the question" not to be married but to profess my feelings for you, it was to be very dramatic and wonderful. I'm sorry. This is my loss and it is an immeasurable loss. Being there when you need a soulmate to steer you, confide in or comfort you in times of trouble, to hold you when you are sad, to love you.

 

I messed up big time.

 

They say you dont know what you have until its gone and that rings so true for me. Losing a Lover and a best friend in one shot is devastating.

 

I purposley sabatoged the relationship with behaviour that I knew was unattractive to women. I acted cold at times, brought up negative things all the time, did not treat you special, I did not take you on

special dates, all on purpose so you could ween off of me, I wanted to protect your heart so you could move on gracefully. But now I realize that instead of protecting you, I weakend your spirit and

impacted your self-estem. Now I feel like I was a coward. I am sorry. I cannot forgive myself for this.

 

I took you for granted. I'm sorry.

 

Somehow along he way I developed deep feelings for you. I miss the compainionship. I miss your precense. I miss your laugh.

I miss your strength and vulnerability. I miss your nerdiness and bluntness. I miss your bad memory. I miss giving you a tender healing kiss.

I miss your quirkiness. I miss your sense of humor. I miss your quotes. I miss my best friend.

 

This is a letter you will never see but just so you know. You were right, I did discover how wonderful you were and I blew my chance to to be with an amazing beautiful woman.

 

I will love you always,

Me

 

I am reading the is unsent letter I wrote two days ago. Today, there is a lot less urge to send it even though it is still true. I suffered and struggled all week at work and at home dealing with the loss. I am pretty sure she is not suffering or struggling. In fact, I am sure that my effort to ween her off of me worked very well. She probably lost interest in me a while ago and was just staying with me until she could line up a replacement. This is evident by the fact that one day she is making plans in March with me, and soon there after she broke it off and did not want to discuss in detail the reasons.

 

I just feel that after almost 2 years (21 months), that if you are going to lose someone forever (like she did in my case), you would think it through and at the very least do so with an adult conversation and final communication and a proper farewell. I am unhappy that she did not think it through.

 

With my absence, I think she will go through some pain at some point. I don't wish it on her at all, but I am sure she will. It just seems unfair.

 

If we had that conversation I would have been in the right frame of mind.

I would have insisted on agreeing to take some time for ourselves with nobody else in the picture then do an inventory on how we both feel, either become exclusive or say goodbye.

 

If we said goodbye, at least it is done with dignity and respect and that would still leave the door open in the future for both of us.

 

She is smart, she did not want to have it because she was already in discussion with my replacement and jumping on that opportunity was more important to her than our 2 year relationship.

Edited February 10, 2018 by Lostsoulseeking

[Lostsoulseeking]

So I am still struggling a little but I have spoken to a lot of friends family and colleagues this week and everyone including myself agrees that I will be better off as it is now.

 

I think one big issue has been lack of sleep all week, I as up til 4:30AM getting rid of pictures and text messages because I just want to put this all behind me this weekend and not have to deal with it later. I may be getting 3-4 hours a night. Also eating, I may have lost 10lbs this week, eating very little but healthy, and also working out a lot.

 

I am going out with one of my best friends tonight so it will be good to go out and try and have fun. He will drive. I may have a few drinks even though I am a 1-2 drink person. It may be more than 1-2 tonight.

 

I will treat it as a celebration.

 

I know all of this will subside

[Lostsoulseeking]

Met a nice (beautiful) lady tonight and she is exactly my type.

Not that it matters but she is at least 10 years younger than the ex.

 

I’ll check on her schedule and take her out.;

 

Meanwhile, the ex is probably with someone she doesn’t really care for or even like.

[Lostsoulseeking]

I always believe that in general, things happen for a reason.

Personally I believe in God. My ex is agnostic. I reached out to

my God in prayer this week Requesting to provide some guidance.

I feel the presence, love and support being provided by a higher being.

 

Keyword, Love.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Met a nice (beautiful) lady tonight and she is exactly my type.

Not that it matters but she is at least 10 years younger than the ex.

 

I’ll check on her schedule and take her out.;

 

Meanwhile, the ex is probably with someone she doesn’t really care for or even like.

 

 

The age difference of the women you date seem to have played a big part of things for you? What is that about?

 

 

Also, since you genuinely care about this woman, why would you want her to be with someone she doesn't really care for or even like? Why would you not want her to be happy? Also, what gives you the impression she feel this way about her lover?

[Lostsoulseeking]

Please realize that I am going through different stages of grief and my response at that time was one of mixed emotions.

It was a bit immature and selfish of me to post that but it was a coping reflex. I need to take care of me right now.

 

This healing method I am using, I learned from a friend and the premise is to take a thought that is impacting you in a negative way

and turn it into a positive outcome (positive for me, nobody else). It allows me to not be jealous.

 

For example it hurts me more to think this other guy is a great guy that has his **** together like I do. I don't know this person,

which is a good thing so I can make it up in my mind. I decided to make it up in my mind that he is a womanizing, drug addicted bum who is a deadbeat dad to several women, he also has disgusting habits. None of that may be true, but some could, it does not matter, it works for "me" and that is the point.

 

Also, you referred to this other person as her lover. There is a lot of assuming here by both you and I. How do I if they are lovers? Could be. Maybe not. So to turn that thought into a positive outcome for me. It is possible that they were never intimate, who am I to assume that? So in my mind, I allow that thought to occur, I also allow the fact that it

could very well have been a one and done type situation where things just happened, it was not a good experience for either and neither want to continue or it will end soon (like it did with the person she dated during our last break). I'm not a dating expert but I am 100% sure that when two people who don't really know each other decide to date the chance that it works out into a relationship is very low. She spoke of him as "just an old friend", the tone in her voice and the context in which it was said leads me to believe that she see's this as nothing serious. It is highly likely that if I did not contact her she would have ended it with the other person, not even tell me about it and then try to re-connect to me. I put a stop to that when I said I would not be backup this time and probably pushed

her further into his arms, I know how it works and I bit that bullet knowingly.

 

It is well known that when you start dating someone fresh off another relationship you constantly compare the new person to the last. So my positive outcome for that is the new person does not hold a candle to me period and to be honest, I truly believe that. Get my point? I solidify that thought with the words that came out of her mouth when I said I would not stand in backup position as a 2nd Option and her response was "I was always her first option". Why would she say that if in her mind it wasn't still true? Even after seeing this other person where it's fresh and new and supposed to be great in the beginning?

 

The age difference in the women I date has no significance for me. I actually prefer women my ex's age. I just know if I start dating this new person and it somehow got back to the ex (which it won't), it would be more impactful to her than if I was with a woman her age. That's just a fact.

 

I think the last stage of grief is forgiveness and I am not there yet. I have been in and out of that stage. Sometimes, I do wish she is happy and sometimes I wish her to realize that I have been scared, she really hurt one of her best friends and I want her to feel the same immeasurable loss that I feel.

 

If the new person does not work out, and she reaches a moment of clarity, she will feel the void like I do. So my actions of not being the fallback will most likely push her to try harder with the new person since she does not have a fallback this time. I hope she is okay.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Lostsoulseeking

[Peacemaker1]

Hi LostSoulSearching,

That is good. Take good care of yourself first and foremost. I don’t want to be preachy but the old school processes of courtship and abstaining from sex truly can protect people from getting hurt. Sometimes plunging into physical intimacy can cloud our minds and we assume that a good relationship will automatically fall into place. In the meantime it might help to enjoy your time with your young kids because time really flies.

[springy]

Met a nice (beautiful) lady tonight and she is exactly my type.

Not that it matters but she is at least 10 years younger than the ex.

 

I’ll check on her schedule and take her out.;

 

Ok. Well hopefully you aren't about to repeat the same cycle...

[Lostsoulseeking]

Thanks for the reminder.

 

The most important lesson I have learned is that communication is the key no matter what type of relationship it is.

 

In the beginning we were very good with our communication. Obviously in the end we were not and I accept responsibility for that.

 

I had been going back and forth in my mind whether or not to let her know how sorry I am for not treating her as well as she so very well deserved.

I never said I love you, did not give her compliments often etc. Looking back, I was even a crappy friend. Not asking if she needed help with anything even when she did not need it.

 

After the 2nd break, I was not okay with her going off with someone else but I did not communicate that it bothered me. Mostly because we were not committed and she would have viewed it as me being controlling.

 

This is why I titled it the saddest story ever told. It is a sad story.

I feel I could have done right by her and boosted her up as friends do.

 

She must have lost a lot of respect for me by communicating with this person before talking about a break.

 

I feel she deserves to hear that being with her made a big difference in my life and I am sorry for taking her for granted. At this point any communication from me will sound like I am trying to manipulate her.

 

So at some point down the road, I will say it to her. After I am in the right frame of mind. I have to take care of my side of the street so to speak. I want to live my life with no regrets and If I don't tell her, I will regret it.

 

If she reaches out again. I foresee it being really hard for me to envision myself intimate with her again after all that went down. I found that I am not built to do long term Casual Dating.

 

This is painful.

 

It's been

29 days since I last saw her - our last outing together Dinner, Movie.

20 days since her asking to take step back and end of a phone call

9 days since our final dramatic phone call where I asked her not to contact me and throw my stuff away (meaning I did not want to see her ever again)

 

 

She had a few items at my place, I put them in a box and sent it to her address. I did not leave any letter or note in the box. I know that is cold but I do not want to give her a reason to contact me at this point.

 

She has to experience life without me just as I do. This woman has a big heart. She will remember the good times at some point.

 

Its sad because she will never know that I was truly considering making us exclusive. Therefore re-kindling anything to her means more of the same.

This is why its the saddest story.

[Lostsoulseeking]

I sent the letter. For those who are reading this, I did not send it in hopes of a reconciliation.

 

I sent it because if I did not tell her now then I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. I do not want to live my life with regret.

 

I did not beg for her to come back. I just told her how I feel.

 

I am fully aware that she could be very happy with another person at this time. I have no idea, it does not matter.

 

 

This was the tail end of the letter:

 

It took a lot of strength for me to send this. I have no expectations from you and I am not asking for a second chance. I sent this to clean up my side of the street. We have one life, I did not want to go to the grave before you knew the truth.

 

It is arrogant of me to think that you would even be in a place for that. It is arrogant for me to assume that I know what you want. You do what is good for you in this life. I know I hurt you more than once and I held back on all the love that you deserved. I regret it and I feel so guilty about it.

 

I thought you deserved to know the truth. That you were and are worth it and you mean a lot to me. You said I would regret not being with you. That one day I would realize how wonderful you are. Yes, you were right.