8 months & i didnt get over him. me!

[toomanyquestions123]

I'm sorry for you to be in pain and sad 5 months after he broke up and left. I read your thread and it seems like you made quite some progress for a while. I decided to do the same thing, to have my thread as a diary and venting place. and like you I keep I list, not a bucket list, but I'm doing a daily task schedule. It helps me try to not sit and sob the whole day. It contains just small tasks such as eating dinner, go to work, take a shower. But without the list I start to neglect everything. I'm only on 9 days since he dumped me by just saying he didn't love me anymore and walk out on me.

 

I'm curious if you made any progress on the bucket list of yours? Have you finished more than the 7 things you wrote earlier?

 

I hope the thearapy will help!

 

hEY Darkchan, I read your thread And I am sooo sorry for the pain u are going through. I am relating what you are going through to the first month of my break up, i couldnt get out of bed, barely going to work & surviving.

 

My bucket list contains 70 things that i have to do & i have finished 1/3 of them approximately:

21. Do camping

22. Fall in love

23. Forgive Ex

24. Forget Ex

25. Trust in guys again

26. Choose the right one

27. Brush teeth more often

28. Get closer to family

29. Get a good tan

30. Get a manicure & a pedicure

31. Get lost by a great book

32. Go jogging sometimes

33. Go dancing

34. Get a full day spa

35. Go on a romantic holiday

36. Go on holiday, come back refreshed and ready to move on: Turkey

37. Watch movies more often

 

That is a part of my bucket list that i did most of them except of course forgetting ex and trust in guys again

 

I went to my psychotherapist yesterday, he diagnosed my ex-fiancé to have Obsessive compulsive personality OCP, where this type of people lacks empathy & they are so well organized that if something happens not the way they want they panic & those people have high level of anxiety. I always knew my ex-fiancé has something but it is so true that he lacks a lottt of empathy even when we were together he was just so tough & unemotional. I dont know if you can relate to this maybe ?

 

My therapist in the next session will help me get the closure that i never had, told me to never reach out to him to get your closure because people with OCP just move on & they dont care whether you are suffering or no.

 

I would advice you to give yourself time to grief, it is okay if you cry your eyes out everyday, give yourself whatever time it takes, keep people that will support you around you, & those daily lists work well at the beginning and then start planning a bucket list after 2 months or so. My therapist said you dodged a bullet because ending up and marrying such people will leave you miserable your whole life !! I think you dodged a bullet too !!

[Darkchan]

I like your bucket lists, some of the items are also not too hard to accomplish, like some peoples buckets lists are juming out a plane or dive with sharks and quite extreme things sometimes. I like that you gave yourself tasks like Do camping, Get lost in a great book etc. Also good job in finnishing 1/3 of them!

 

Perhaps we both did dodge a bullet, it's hard to see it that way when you are so mad in love but it might be true. My ex was very caring and loving, had all of that the first 2 years, then something happened and he became distant and I felt abonded and sad the last weeks of the relationship, like you I felt he lacked emotions and empathy.

 

I hope you will get some closure from your therapist next session, it also seems like the therapist could give you some answers regarding why he behaved like he did, having OCP.

[toomanyquestions123]

I like your bucket lists, some of the items are also not too hard to accomplish, like some peoples buckets lists are juming out a plane or dive with sharks and quite extreme things sometimes. I like that you gave yourself tasks like Do camping, Get lost in a great book etc. Also good job in finnishing 1/3 of them!

 

Perhaps we both did dodge a bullet, it's hard to see it that way when you are so mad in love but it might be true. My ex was very caring and loving, had all of that the first 2 years, then something happened and he became distant and I felt abonded and sad the last weeks of the relationship, like you I felt he lacked emotions and empathy.

 

I hope you will get some closure from your therapist next session, it also seems like the therapist could give you some answers regarding why he behaved like he did, having OCP.

 

I did some tough stuff from my bucket list as well such as paragliding from a very far point haha. Now i am learning how to cook & i am finishing my master degrees.

 

How have you been ? Are you getting better ? Did he reach out ?

[chinadiary]

My question again. Why do people leave without saying anything? Why after something minor like a fight they leave? Why do they do this? Hang in there. Your situation is similar to mine. So I know exactly ho you feel.

 

I do this. I run away. I can't handle of lot of aggression or anger because of past violent relationships so now when it starts I run.

 

It's bad for relationships I know.

[Darkchan]

I did some tough stuff from my bucket list as well such as paragliding from a very far point haha. Now i am learning how to cook & i am finishing my master degrees.

 

How have you been ? Are you getting better ? Did he reach out ?

 

I'm glad you are doing better and also finishing your studies!

 

I'm feeling quite awful, I thought this NC would make it easier to move on but I have too many unanswered questions about the break up and why he behaved as he did. I feel my anxiety grows stronger everyday that pass and I really really just want him to contact me. He haven't reached out at all, nothing. I don't expect him to etither, he is too proud. I'm in denial over the whole thing, but I moved out from the apartment the day after he broke it and I guess I just have to accept that he don't want me anymore. But I can't.

[toomanyquestions123]

I'm glad you are doing better and also finishing your studies!

 

I'm feeling quite awful, I thought this NC would make it easier to move on but I have too many unanswered questions about the break up and why he behaved as he did. I feel my anxiety grows stronger everyday that pass and I really really just want him to contact me. He haven't reached out at all, nothing. I don't expect him to etither, he is too proud. I'm in denial over the whole thing, but I moved out from the apartment the day after he broke it and I guess I just have to accept that he don't want me anymore. But I can't.

 

Thats the denial phase. And what you want is a closure, to go somewhere and talk about everything & to answer all your questions. Thats what i wanted from my ex-fiancé. I begged him for a closure so i can move on because i know how hard it is to move on without one. I never leave someone without answers. I never did this. If you want to break up please be honest with me and tell me why you want to do this. That is why my next session with the therapist he will give me my closure that i didnt have.

 

It gets slowly better i promise. My advice is to never reach out and keep NC. Because breaking NC will bring you only pain.

[toomanyquestions123]

Cant wait till i wake up one day & feel nothing. Just nothing. I just cant wait for this to happen.

[toomanyquestions123]

I noticed today morning that my ex-fiancé is not the first person i think about when i wake up !!! not even the second !! Such an improvement to myself !! )

[toomanyquestions123]

On a less level: I do still miss you. I do still remember you. I do still love you. It is December tomorrow, December last year was the highlight of our relationship, we travelled together, we spent christmas eve with my family and u cooked for us, i totally fell in love with you this month last year, but you left 5 months later. I dont know how are you doing, if you totally moved on. If you met someone new. It is such a weird feeling when i think about you, it is like thinking about a ghost. Your picture is fading yet you are still here somehow. I cant wait to finally let go all of you. Forgive you, forget you and fall in love again, with the right person this time.

[Darkchan]

It's been awhile since you posted! Just curious on how you coping now? It seems like yo doing better reading your previous posts

[toomanyquestions123]

It's been awhile since you posted! Just curious on how you coping now? It seems like yo doing better reading your previous posts

 

Comparing to the first 3 months, i surely am doing better. But I am kinda feeling some sort of numbness towards most of the people. It is like i dont get hurt anymore from anyone. And i kind of feel some sort of emptiness since its been almost 7 months now and I am single and its the holidays season. I am used to celebrate the holidays with someone. My wedding was supposed to be on the 30th of December and this gives weird feelings. BUT i dont think about my ex as much as i do before. Now its a different kind of pain. Just emptiness that I am trying to fulfill with a busy schedule. Literally i dont have free-time. I want to start a second job. I want to start gym next week. Planning for a huge trip to Italy soon. Just checking off my bucket list.

 

How are you doing ?? is it getting better ?

[toomanyquestions123]

Sometimes i think that there is a hidden truth in all of this, a missing puzzle. I sometimes think that the reason why he broke up was not what he stated ( cultural differences ). I feel like there was someone else involved. A person from his past. Just thoughts because his break up was non-sense for me. Something happened that probably i would never now.OR Maybe he just has this personality disorder thats why he keeps on breaking up with girls every 1 2 years. I dont know, i should not care anymore. Whatever the reason is i dodged a bullet.

[Darkchan]

Comparing to the first 3 months, i surely am doing better. But I am kinda feeling some sort of numbness towards most of the people. It is like i dont get hurt anymore from anyone. And i kind of feel some sort of emptiness since its been almost 7 months now and I am single and its the holidays season. I am used to celebrate the holidays with someone. My wedding was supposed to be on the 30th of December and this gives weird feelings. BUT i dont think about my ex as much as i do before. Now its a different kind of pain. Just emptiness that I am trying to fulfill with a busy schedule. Literally i dont have free-time. I want to start a second job. I want to start gym next week. Planning for a huge trip to Italy soon. Just checking off my bucket list.

 

How are you doing ?? is it getting better ?

 

I'm glad to hear you are doing better in some sense even though you have this empty feeling. I feel the same, my breakup happened only 2 month ago but I feel empty and are keeping myself busy and occupied with working two jobs at the same time and trying to meet friends and travel as soon as I find an empty day. No free-time what-so-ever. It surely must suck that the wedding day that never happen is coming soon and during a holiday as well. I didn't know myself what to do during the holiday season so I decided to travel abroad again and meet some friends, while also still working at one of my jobs. I do feel different from the first few weeks, like I'm not in bed crying anymore. I do struggle with anxiety and panic attacks still and do ofc think about him. I hope to reach a point were I feel like I'm over him

[toomanyquestions123]

Something sad happened with me today when i was sleeping. I had this sureal dream about my ex, for the first time this dream was so real i felt i was really holding him. The dream was about my ex fiance coming back to town. I ran to his place to see if it was true, when i figured out it was true i hugged him. I was so happy. We talked and it was surreal. And then i woke up in the middle of the night and i realized it was just a dream and i started crying.

I realized then that I still miss him very much. That i didnt have my closure and the way he left is still in the back of my mind SO i texted him for the very time in 7 months about my feelings. The message is: I had a surreal dream about you that you were back and i was able to hold you and i was able to hear your voice and we even finally had a talk then i suddenly woke up and after a while i started crying like a baby, I haven't cried this way since you have left. I cried because i realized that i didnt have the chance to say goodbye to you, that things went suddenly wrong and you just disappeared. I know you are not the emotional guy and you will probably hate my message right now, i know that probably you moved on and maybe u met someone new or old.but i want you to know that you mattered to me and the way you left has shattered my heart. I wish we had a decent conversation, i just wish i would stop blaming myself from going to ur place that night.

You were so real in this dream, i woke up in tears ! I probably had a dream about you because i graduated today and i thought about you or maybe because i went to a museum and i bought a postcard which reminded me of you. Both cases you can ignore my message like you always do. I will be okay. Excuse my brazenness. Have a good day

 

I dont regret sending the message. I wanted to delete the message ( whatsapp feature ) then i said i want him to know that i was hurt since i never showed him that. I dont think he received the message yet and i am not sure he will reply. What i know is that i realized that i really still miss this guy, that i loved him and that i did not have a proper closure which is torturing me.

[SolidN6]

I'm no expert but if you keep writing about him and talking about him, then you are indirectly remembering him and hurting yourself. My ex broke up with me over a week ago and I found the more I talk about her to people the more it hurts and reminds me of her. I have now deleted every picture of her I have as well as her contact number, and thrown away all the gifts she'd ever got me. I've made it so that there is no trace of her in my everyday life, as if she never existed. It's only when I'm alone and have a lot of free time that I miss her and want her to be here, but because I have no way of contacting her then I have no choice but to do something else. You need to do the same, delete his number and stop stalking his Whatsapp because your making a habit of missing him, unless you erase every trace of him, you won't be able to move on and break the habit of missing him.

Like you my ex broke up with me for stupid reasons. It hurts a lot when someone you loved and treated so well would just up and leave. I know she was bad for me and a horrible person in general but it's still difficult to not miss them. But trust me, erase every trace of him from your life or you'll never break the habit of missing him. I know I contradicted myself by talking about my ex, but I just wanted to let you know lol.

[toomanyquestions123]

8 months BU, i broke NC twice during this period, i had to break it the first time but the second time i didnt have to. I just had a dream about him and i woke up crying when i was feeling overwhelmed.

 

I still miss him till now, but i am not sure if i am missing him because i really loved him/no closure or because i am so single. Sometimes i think if i meet a right new guy i wouldnt mind to start a new relationship because i do miss the affection and sometimes I think that the me-time is much needed for my self-healing.

 

What is bothering me most is that i dream about him almost everyday, happy dreams, sad dreams, sometimes i dream about the breakup again and i wake up sweating. Not sure why he is still in the back of my mind but i guess 8 months are not that long anyway. I dont know why i feel like if i meet someone new I will stop thinking about him.

 

8 months that i know nothing, literally nothing about him, no breadcrumbs, no social media stalking, no friends in common. I just dont know anything about him and perhaps thats why i keep thinking about him.

 

But on the bright side, i am getting my life together, i am more happy than sad, my life is going well, i matured up more after the breakup, i even feel like i am smarter than before. This breakup taught me a lot of stuff; TO LOVE MYSELF MORE !!

[toomanyquestions123]

Yesterday i had a sleepless night. I was thinking about the way he broke up with me and how he changed 180 degrees in 24 hours. We broke up 8 months ago in May 2017 and it is getting better and i am moving on but when i think about it i still feel the pain. It is like i expect some sort of an apology or explanation for what he did.

 

I know you will tell me that he owes you nothing but i was really good to him. He came to my country and he was an expat here, i took care of everything. I even started teaching him the language. I loved him from all my heart and he broke up with me this way.

 

On the other hand, i blame myself a lot. I blame myself for stuff i did that i think had pushed him away; Like i pushed him to buy me a new ring for the engagement along with his mother ring ( those are American traditions, my traditions state to buy a full gold or diamond set ). I blame myself that i accused him that he is stingy and i let him pay a lot.

 

I know this is not my fault and everything should be communicated but i feel like my culture has pushed him away and i didnt want this to happen. I didnt even have my closure, we just had a fight one night ( everything was completely okay before ), he decided during the fight that he wants to leave and he left the next day. I never saw him again, we never a decent conversation after that. He just disappeared.

 

Sometimes i resemble people to him and my mind tricks me that it is him; but there is noway that it would be him because he has nothing to do with my country; i just i will never see him again; Someone that i really loved just disappeared and i dont know anything about him; what does he do, where does he live, is he a new relationship, is he okay, did he get over me ? i just have no clue !!!

 

Sorry for the long paragraph, but it is here where i can talk about him. None of my family and friends know that i still think about him, but i think about him all the time, i wish he would text or call me someday, i just do.

Edited January 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[basil67]

Hey there. I'm putting a link to your previous thread on this for context http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/627989-venting-here-part-my-moving-therapy

 

The thing which you really need to remember is that it WASN'T completely OK before. The two of you were fighting. He was shutting down. And there were cultural issues too. He didn't do a 180 in 24 hours - this was a breakup which had been coming for a while.

 

I know it's easy to look back with sadness and see a beautiful relationship, but it truly wasn't that good for you.

[toomanyquestions123]

Hey there. I'm putting a link to your previous thread on this for context http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/627989-venting-here-part-my-moving-therapy

 

The thing which you really need to remember is that it WASN'T completely OK before. The two of you were fighting. He was shutting down. And there were cultural issues too. He didn't do a 180 in 24 hours - this was a breakup which had been coming for a while.

 

I know it's easy to look back with sadness and see a beautiful relationship, but it truly wasn't that good for you.

 

You re completely right. I just cant stop myself from missing him sometimes. And valentine day is coming & we got engaged last Valentine so that was not long time ago. But i am pretty sure that i am moving forward and what i am feeling will completely vanish someday.

[Happy Lemming]

Like i pushed him to buy me a new ring for the engagement along with his mother ring ( those are american traditions, my traditions state to buy a full gold or diamond set ). I blame myself that i accused him that he is stingy and i let him pay a lot.

 

So he purchased the diamond ring and gold set you wanted. He also "date planned" and paid for those dates and you still called him stingy.

 

It would upset me if I tried to make my girlfriend happy and she called me "Stingy" or "Cheap". Men are NOT human ATM machines!! Personally, this would make me very upset and would be a "deal breaker" for me!!

 

Moreover, I prepare my budget for the month on a spreadsheet, before the month starts. There is travel & entertainment programmed in, but when its spent, its spent for the month and that's it. My girlfriend knows that I adhere to my budget and she has finally stopped complaining. Maybe your boyfriend was trying to stay on his budget.

 

Just my two cents, feel free to disagree with me.

[toomanyquestions123]

So he purchased the diamond ring and gold set you wanted. He also "date planned" and paid for those dates and you still called him stingy.

 

It would upset me if I tried to make my girlfriend happy and she called me "Stingy" or "Cheap". Men are NOT human ATM machines!! Personally, this would make me very upset and would be a "deal breaker" for me!!

 

Moreover, I prepare my budget for the month on a spreadsheet, before the month starts. There is travel & entertainment programmed in, but when its spent, its spent for the month and that's it. My girlfriend knows that I adhere to my budget and she has finally stopped complaining. Maybe your boyfriend was trying to stay on his budget.

 

Just my two cents, feel free to disagree with me.

 

I called him stingy when he told me that he is upset with me because i didn't return him back a holiday money that costed around $300 that he invited me to. This guy prepared me an excel monthly budget and he knows what i can afford and what i can not. I damn can not afford paying for our everyday dinners. His salary is *5 mine and he was my fiancé. PLUS he didnt use to pay for everything, if he was not stingy he wouldnt feel like he is an ATM. He would be glad to spend money since i didnt mind to spend money on him. Plus i am from an arab culture, and he knew that we like to splurge and we love to spend money way before we got engaged, it was no surprise for him and then he broke up because of this. I wish he communicated with me at least, he never did, he just kept all of those worries inside and he broke up, if only i knew what he was thinking about, i would definitely have solved it. Breaking up because of money, oh god !

[Happy Lemming]

Plus i am from an arab culture, and he knew that we like to splurge and we love to spend money way before we got engaged, it was no surprise for him and then he broke up because of this.

 

I know nothing of the Arab Culture and this "splurging" you speak of, but I do know that everyone works hard for their money. You can only spend it once, then you have to work hard to get more.

 

Sometimes cross cultural relationships can be difficult. A close "guy" friend of mine married a woman from a completely different culture. I sat him down and talked to him (way before he got married) and told him he would be facing a lot of changes and challenges. He assured me he could adapt and everything would be fine. Eight years and four kids later, he filed for divorce. He later told me that the cultural differences were larger than he expected and he was unable to get past them.

 

I'm not saying that is the case here, but it is "food for thought"...

 

Breaking up because of money, oh god !

 

I don't understand this line, are you upset?? Or are you in disagreement??

 

Just my two cents, based on my own experiences...

[toomanyquestions123]

I know nothing of the Arab Culture and this "splurging" you speak of, but I do know that everyone works hard for their money. You can only spend it once, then you have to work hard to get more.

 

Sometimes cross cultural relationships can be difficult. A close "guy" friend of mine married a woman from a completely different culture. I sat him down and talked to him (way before he got married) and told him he would be facing a lot of changes and challenges. He assured me he could adapt and everything would be fine. Eight years and four kids later, he filed for divorce. He later told me that the cultural differences were larger than he expected and he was unable to get past them.

 

I'm not saying that is the case here, but it is "food for thought"...

 

 

 

I don't understand this line, are you upset?? Or are you in disagreement??

 

Just my two cents, based on my own experiences...

 

 

I meant that i think my ex-fiancé broke up with me because of money. Instead of talking to me about what is concerning him, he ran away. He always used to tell me that most of the divorce reasons in the US occur because of money, but i was so supportive in this and i always used to find ways for us to save money but my country is so expensive and he knew that and we were going to move to Europe. I was always concerned he may run away because of this and eventually he did and this made me so sad. Because he broke up with me for external reasons and i had nothing to do with this. For example, my culture states that on the wedding day the groom must promise the bride with a certain amount of money in case they got divorced, i faced my family and told them thats not gonna happen for us because he is american and we re going to blend both cultures. Another example is that our culture always make huge weddings unlike americans, i didnt want a huge one, i just wanted a very simple one that we wont pay a lot on. I tried my best to compromise and to satisfy my family and him but he just left so everything i say now is meaningless.

[Happy Lemming]

I tried my best to compromise and to satisfy my family and him but he just left so everything i say now is meaningless.

 

I don't think it is meaningless, I think you can learn something very valuable from this experience. You are being honest with yourself during this self assessment of your ex-fiance' and the relationship. This is a good practice!!

 

Often when I assess a situation that went bad, I learn a lesson and try not to repeat previous mistakes. And let me tell you, I HAVE MADE PREVIOUS MISTAKES!!

 

Sometimes men run away versus talking about an issue they can't fix. I don't know why they may choose this course of action versus sitting down and having a long discussion. Maybe it made him feel inferior, unable to provide and this was a mountain he couldn't conquer, so he bailed. I'm just making an educated guess.

 

By the way, thank you for the clarification.

 

I am sorry you are going through this pain.

[toomanyquestions123]

I don't think it is meaningless, I think you can learn something very valuable from this experience. You are being honest with yourself during this self assessment of your ex-fiance' and the relationship. This is a good practice!!

 

Often when I assess a situation that went bad, I learn a lesson and try not to repeat previous mistakes. And let me tell you, I HAVE MADE PREVIOUS MISTAKES!!

 

Sometimes men run away versus talking about an issue they can't fix. I don't know why they may choose this course of action versus sitting down and having a long discussion. Maybe it made him feel inferior, unable to provide and this was a mountain he couldn't conquer, so he bailed. I'm just making an educated guess.

 

By the way, thank you for the clarification.

 

I am sorry you are going through this pain.

 

You are completely right, some just walk away but this means he didnt really love me.

 

Anyway thank you for giving me an opinion from a new perspective.