Are some people naturally happier single?

[lana-banana]

Yes, I think there are plenty of people out there who live their best lives single. For what it's worth, I dated my share of men before I got married, and to be honest, only three of those relationships (including the one who put a ring on it) were truly fulfilling, profound experiences that made me a better person. Prior to the first of these, I didn't really get the point of relationships. But it wasn't that I was better off single; I just hadn't met someone who really complemented and integrated into my life in a significantly beneficial way. Once I realized I could have a relationship that made things totally awesome, I became serious about finding someone who would.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why have relationships become such a chore that we feel we have to go out of our way to make it work?

 

I can't speak for everyone, but for me it's just because I'm too busy. I'm a single mom of teens and work full time, own a home, etc. And I'm struggling financially. A relationship just becomes one more thing I'm responsible for (at least partly) and I have enough on my plate.

[Popsicle]

I think the most you can be is content being single. And believe me, content and single is way better than being miserable in a relationship. I think bliss is more apt to come from being with someone and everything is really great.

[hotpotato]

I do notice it's mostly women in this thread!

 

I remember in a class in college, our teacher said women are expected to do most of the emotion work.

 

I suspect many women in the past didn't want to be coupled, but got married anyway bc of social pressure.

 

In my relationships, I've been the one to ask how things were going. When I stopped, I was called lazy. Mind you, I've never had a man ask what he could do better, I've never had a man say why he was upset with me while we were together. When the men I dated were dissatisfied, they left for other women.

 

Over the years I've tried to downplay their faults, justify being with them, been stupidly loyal...And for what???

 

Re:suffocation

Some people are more social than others. My last ex was super social which took getting used to. The problem can become ,"If you loved me, you'd be more like x." He eventually complained about me for not being talkative like other women.

 

Lastly, I suspect the sex drive is relevant. I've been around men who admitted to being attracted to most women of childbearing age. I'm attracted to 20% of men I see or less. It's a lot easier for me to forgo the sex. The sex aspect hasn't been fun for me. I've grown tired of being treated like meat, guys lying to get sex, etc. I think it's easier for a man to see a,woman, get weak in the knees, repeat so many times, and find someone he loves ( or at least a fwb) eventually.

[No_Go]

I think the most you can be is content being single. And believe me, content and single is way better than being miserable in a relationship. I think bliss is more apt to come from being with someone and everything is really great.

 

Oh from experience you can be way more than content being single . Abstracting from sexual urges and peer pressure there is not much of a difference in happiness being single or coupled. And the thing that coupled people miss and single people have plenty of is freedom. I think most men are very well aware of it, and that's why you'd see ladies running and crying out loud for being 'ringed'

[No_Go]

Women are certainly more driven by peer pressure.

I've yet to see an alpha dude crying bloody tears to get engaged and look at the female counterparts

 

But for sex, I believe it is a social conditioning that men want it more. Women are not allowed to speak up or they'll get labelled If I ever enter a relationship again, it will be fore the sex supply and reproduction.

 

I do notice it's mostly women in this thread!

 

I remember in a class in college, our teacher said women are expected to do most of the emotion work.

 

I suspect many women in the past didn't want to be coupled, but got married anyway bc of social pressure.

 

In my relationships, I've been the one to ask how things were going. When I stopped, I was called lazy. Mind you, I've never had a man ask what he could do better, I've never had a man say why he was upset with me while we were together. When the men I dated were dissatisfied, they left for other women.

 

Over the years I've tried to downplay their faults, justify being with them, been stupidly loyal...And for what???

 

Re:suffocation

Some people are more social than others. My last ex was super social which took getting used to. The problem can become ,"If you loved me, you'd be more like x." He eventually complained about me for not being talkative like other women.

 

Lastly, I suspect the sex drive is relevant. I've been around men who admitted to being attracted to most women of childbearing age. I'm attracted to 20% of men I see or less. It's a lot easier for me to forgo the sex. The sex aspect hasn't been fun for me. I've grown tired of being treated like meat, guys lying to get sex, etc. I think it's easier for a man to see a,woman, get weak in the knees, repeat so many times, and find someone he loves ( or at least a fwb) eventually.

[hotpotato]

Women are certainly more driven by peer pressure.

I've yet to see an alpha dude crying bloody tears to get engaged and look at the female counterparts

 

But for sex, I believe it is a social conditioning that men want it more. Women are not allowed to speak up or they'll get labelled If I ever enter a relationship again, it will be fore the sex supply and reproduction.

 

I think we will have to agree to disagree. I rarely see women go crazy for a man bc he was a man. I've been elsewhere on the net women go bonkers over very specific men but not men in general. Maybe it's my experiences, but for guys sexual desire seemed a lot more urgent and consuming.

 

I've been around men who were honest abt their desire and how many women they were attracted to. My drive doesn't come close. I had a guy tell me we should have sex simply bc he's a man and I'm a woman. I've never heard a woman speak like that, not even in private.

 

I don't think it's bad if men as a whole are inherently more sexual.

[Cookiesandough]

Women are certainly more driven by peer pressure.

I've yet to see an alpha dude crying bloody tears to get engaged and look at the female counterparts

 

But for sex, I believe it is a social conditioning that men want it more. Women are not allowed to speak up or they'll get labelled If I ever enter a relationship again, it will be fore the sex supply and reproduction.

 

I agree with 100% that women care more what others think/are more driven by social pressure than men. But also that the social pressures men and women face are different. Men high five their buddies for having sex with multiple women more than getting married. Women do the opposite.

 

The difference is probably at least somewhat biologically rooted, but who knows. I feel like in general men have higher, or perhaps a more urgent sex drive, and find a wider array of women attractive /

 

I'm strongly considering getting a FWB to get more experience because I have practically none but I don't know how. That;s actually why I bumped your thread. I just have no clue and it seems incredibly awkward. I was considering turning this hot psycho guy I last dated into one but people advised me not to.

Edited January 28, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm strongly considering getting a FWB to get more experience because I have practically none but I don't know how. That;s actually why I bumped your thread. I just have no clue and it seems incredibly awkward. I was considering turning this hot psycho guy I last dated into one but people advised me not to.

 

I don't recommend this for you, Cookies. You already struggle with anxiety, and this has the potential to create all sorts of other anxiety-inducing issues!

[lana-banana]

I do notice it's mostly women in this thread

 

In my admittedly limited experiences with friends and relatives, men love being in relationships. They love the companionship, the stability, the orderliness, the routine, even the sense of status. (The comedian John Mulvaney has a great bit about how men feel so much more powerful saying "my wife" versus "my girlfriend".) Whereas women are so accustomed to caring for themselves and are able to operate just fine being single, a lot of men feel that being in a relationship is a necessary part of being a successful adult.

 

I thought marriage was probably something I wanted someday, but it was never high on my priority list. All I knew is I either wanted to live single or be married; I didn't want to be anybody's live-in girlfriend for long. Still, it wasn't something I actively pursued. My single periods were mostly rewarding and happy ones. By contrast, most of the men I know over 30 get anxious if they're single for long.

 

I read somewhere that adult western men generally don't have strong social bonds outside their romantic relationships, which is why the concept of "friendzoning" exists. Adult men aren't used to being emotionally vulnerable with people who aren't romantic partners, but women are. Although I think we've come a long way in the past ten years towards changing that!

[Cookiesandough]

yea perhaps you are right ty

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I read somewhere that adult western men generally don't have strong social bonds outside their romantic relationships, which is why the concept of "friendzoning" exists. Adult men aren't used to being emotionally vulnerable with people who aren't romantic partners, but women are. Although I think we've come a long way in the past ten years towards changing that!

 

Bingo. I think this has a lot to do with it. Men have been conditioned to NOT develop these strong emotional relationships with other men, so naturally, since they still have this need, a woman is the place from where to get it. I get plenty of emotional connection from other women.

 

A few months ago Good Morning America aired a piece where they talked to several teenage boys. When asked what the hardest part about being a teenage boy was, the first thing that was said was that they can't develop close relationships like girls can. Girls can have sleepovers, boys "can't" or they're called gay. Things like this. I see this so much in my own son, who is 15. He really craves relationship, but it's so hard for him to have it, unlike my daughter, who is 16. It's very sad, and it's actually something I've been talking a lot about with my friend who is a children's counselor.

[No_Go]

I think we will have to agree to disagree. I rarely see women go crazy for a man bc he was a man. I've been elsewhere on the net women go bonkers over very specific men but not men in general. Maybe it's my experiences, but for guys sexual desire seemed a lot more urgent and consuming.

 

I've been around men who were honest abt their desire and how many women they were attracted to. My drive doesn't come close. I had a guy tell me we should have sex simply bc he's a man and I'm a woman. I've never heard a woman speak like that, not even in private.

 

I don't think it's bad if men as a whole are inherently more sexual.

 

Honestly - I don’t know. It is hard to find unbiased statistics. I don’t believe people answering questionnaires ...

 

But it could be you’re right because of the hormonal makeup of men. The much higher testosterone is probably not to be underestimated.

[No_Go]

I agree with 100% that women care more what others think/are more driven by social pressure than men. But also that the social pressures men and women face are different. Men high five their buddies for having sex with multiple women more than getting married. Women do the opposite.

 

The difference is probably at least somewhat biologically rooted, but who knows. I feel like in general men have higher, or perhaps a more urgent sex drive, and find a wider array of women attractive /

 

I'm strongly considering getting a FWB to get more experience because I have practically none but I don't know how. That;s actually why I bumped your thread. I just have no clue and it seems incredibly awkward. I was considering turning this hot psycho guy I last dated into one but people advised me not to.

 

Yeah exactly what I meant - women are conditioned it is good to be prudes, men - to be promiscuous. I’m sure testosterone plays part but I think it is more so societal pressure. I know how my mind fogs after nothing physical...

 

On the latter point - gosh you bumped the tread right on Time. I’m possibly going to update it tonight - not sure whether my dirty mind will fog my reasoning but I’m barely holding it and he’s just not making it easy to hold off I’m sure this is something biological but d*mn ... where is my willpower ??

 

A friendly advice: find a guy that you think is stable (not psycho ) for FWB. Otherwise you’re facing catastrophic for some fun...

[Popsicle]

I do notice it's mostly women in this thread!

 

If you haven't noticed, it's mostly women in EVERY thread....

 

Oh from experience you can be way more than content being single . Abstracting from sexual urges and peer pressure there is not much of a difference in happiness being single or coupled. And the thing that coupled people miss and single people have plenty of is freedom. I think most men are very well aware of it, and that's why you'd see ladies running and crying out loud for being 'ringed'

 

Ringed? I don't know what "ringed" means?...

 

But anyway, that's nice that you're blissfully orgasmically happy being single. I feel simply content but I leave room for more. I know there is more. This is not a knock on being single, because like you said, the freedom is top-notch, but I do think there is a higher level of happiness to be found. (and no I don't think most coupled people have it -they're just there)

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah exactly what I meant - women are conditioned it is good to be prudes, men - to be promiscuous. I’m sure testosterone plays part but I think it is more so societal pressure. I know how my mind fogs after nothing physical...

 

On the latter point - gosh you bumped the tread right on Time. I’m possibly going to update it tonight - not sure whether my dirty mind will fog my reasoning but I’m barely holding it and he’s just not making it easy to hold off I’m sure this is something biological but d*mn ... where is my willpower ??

 

A friendly advice: find a guy that you think is stable (not psycho ) for FWB. Otherwise you’re facing catastrophic for some fun...

 

Yeah. Very much so. Have been for a long time. Women who even try to fall away from this are shamed or made to believe that something is wrong with them, so the status quo remains.

 

Hey...he said on his 26th text in 20 minutes that he was cool taking it slow and seeing where it goes.

 

For real, I think I'm serious;y keeping my eyes peeled for a' buddy'.

 

And for your update. Because I seriously love your threads because I think I think so much like you.

 

**** reason. It gets in the way of fun more often than not.

[Cookiesandough]

 

But anyway, that's nice that you're blissfully orgasmically happy being single. I feel simply content but I leave room for more. I know there is more. This is not a knock on being single, because like you said, the freedom is top-notch, but I do think there is a higher level of happiness to be found. (and no I don't think most coupled people have it -they're just there)

There's always room for more bliss. Until we reach Nirvana.

[nospam99]

On the latter point - gosh you bumped the tread right on Time. I’m possibly going to update it tonight - not sure whether my dirty mind will fog my reasoning but I’m barely holding it and he’s just not making it easy to hold off I’m sure this is something biological but d*mn ... where is my willpower ??

 

A friendly advice: find a guy that you think is stable (not psycho ) for FWB. Otherwise you’re facing catastrophic for some fun...

 

Quoting No_Go but she was quoting Cookies apparently with a related concern. Ummm ... don't you ladies find 'release' from 'holding it' by 'pleasuring yourselves'? I don't know how typical I am as a guy. But my dirty mind can be defogged by an expedient masturbation. Wham, bam, thank you hand and then back to even-tempered practical thinking.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Quoting No_Go but she was quoting Cookies apparently with a related concern. Ummm ... don't you ladies find 'release' from 'holding it' by 'pleasuring yourselves'? I don't know how typical I am as a guy. But my dirty mind can be defogged by an expedient masturbation. Wham, bam, thank you hand and then back to even-tempered practical thinking.

 

There are exceptions, but I think the majority of women's bodies don't work like men's do in this regard. Sexual tension/needing release doesn't just build up for "no reason" without a partner in the mix, or at least someone you're attracted to/having a crush on. I may "release" once a month, but it's not a physical need. It's more like, "Oh that's something I could do for a few minutes that might be nice."

 

I'm actually glad that this is not a component in my life....the constant "need" to "release." It must be really frustrating, especially if you don't have a partner.

[No_Go]

Quoting No_Go but she was quoting Cookies apparently with a related concern. Ummm ... don't you ladies find 'release' from 'holding it' by 'pleasuring yourselves'? I don't know how typical I am as a guy. But my dirty mind can be defogged by an expedient masturbation. Wham, bam, thank you hand and then back to even-tempered practical thinking.

 

Oh self-love definitely helps a lot with defogging. The only time masturbation doesn’t cut it is when someone repeatedly gets in your way making sexual jokes and innuendos, making it hard to keep clothes on. Without this - I’d be very happy sexually with my own hand as a partner

[No_Go]

Yeah. Very much so. Have been for a long time. Women who even try to fall away from this are shamed or made to believe that something is wrong with them, so the status quo remains.

 

Hey...he said on his 26th text in 20 minutes that he was cool taking it slow and seeing where it goes.

 

For real, I think I'm serious;y keeping my eyes peeled for a' buddy'.

 

And for your update. Because I seriously love your threads because I think I think so much like you.

 

**** reason. It gets in the way of fun more often than not.

 

The texting bursts are never innocent. This guy is primed Cookies - if he’s not too psycho you may try him out...

 

I’m still too conditioned to put reasoning first. I need to have a talk with my potential buddy but I somehow don’t want to escalate it in that direction... Some fun will be great, and then... business as usual so to speak.

[No_Go]

If you haven't noticed, it's mostly women in EVERY thread....

 

 

 

Ringed? I don't know what "ringed" means?...

 

But anyway, that's nice that you're blissfully orgasmically happy being single. I feel simply content but I leave room for more. I know there is more. This is not a knock on being single, because like you said, the freedom is top-notch, but I do think there is a higher level of happiness to be found. (and no I don't think most coupled people have it -they're just there)

 

You’re right there is certain state of coupledness that is even more blissful than being single but these are so rare, like unicorns. Most couples are together for practical reasons or some kind of social validation (that’s why I was joking with the burning desire of some women to get engaged - i.e. ringed- just reminds me so much of ringing birds which I’ve done as a hobby that I find it laughable)

[Popsicle]

You’re right there is certain state of coupledness that is even more blissful than being single but these are so rare, like unicorns. Most couples are together for practical reasons or some kind of social validation (that’s why I was joking with the burning desire of some women to get engaged - i.e. ringed- just reminds me so much of ringing birds which I’ve done as a hobby that I find it laughable)

 

If I had to guess, and this is purely speculation, I'd say that only 20% of people get together for practical or social validation reasons. I'd say the rest have gotten together because they truly thought things were going to work out and be bliss. But sadly, sometimes it doesn't go that way and many just stay because they don't know anything else and change is hard.

 

And I don't believe the blissful state that comes from coupledness is rare like a unicorn.

[littleblackheart]

Y. But I think women in general start to bear most of the responsibilities in relationships eventually. Even with my mom and dad, I feel she does like 70%, but she seems content and appreciated in the role, so she doesn't see imbalance. I know a lot of relationships where the men don't appreciate it. Divorced women are much much less likely to want to remarry. I know most men will disagree with me on that and I am not trying to turn it in to "one of those things" and it certainly not always the case.I think my parents work so well because they are two very independent people with aligned personalities and feel respected in their roles.

 

[snip]

 

Also, it's hard to explain, but they try to live through you and meld the two of you together into one. Some people love that, but I don't operate that way. Not enough space = eventually toxic for me.

 

Totally this. I feel the same re not enough space. I feel smothered very quickly and the '2 become 1' scenario freaks the hell out of me. This is probably what attracted me to my exH - he didn't care what I did if it didn't encroach on his ego. It would have worked had he not been an abusive narcissist.

 

My parents' marriage is also a perpetual car crash but even without getting to extreme or abusive relationships, I've not witnessed anyone who's relationship gave me couple envy. They all have to deal with double drama on the regular, which I would find exhausting.

 

I find true joy and happiness in raising my kids and I've found a way to balance out motherhood with enjoying my own time in my own company or occasionally with good friends or my sisters. No relationship will allow for me to maintain this level of peace to my life without threatening this carefully crafted balance.

Edited January 28, 2018 by littleblackheart

[preraph]

I guess I'm more autonomous than most people to begin with and from childhood, but here's what I've learned.

 

When I was young, in my 20s and 30s, I was very passionate about life in general, very hungry, very driven, very focused. So I drove myself mad obsessing over men who weren't coming along easily, made myself miserable. My balance to all that was the music passion was so strong it overrode everything so I didn't just sink into despair.

 

Once that urge subsided and I wasn't driven to try to have a relationship, I didn't get so down and depressed all the time. My other big passion from childhood is animals, and now that I was not gone all the time, in my late 30s, I got a dog finally, and had them ever since, and a cat as well. My life is much more just calmly happy and satisfied now that chasing men is off my agenda. I get way more love from my pets and give it back.

 

There was a dicey patch when I was just about 49 or 50. My libido flared up. Maybe hormonal, more likely because I revisited my youth by reading my journals. Anyway, was a relief when that settled down because if guys at 19-20 think they have it bad and are frustrated in their sexual prime, consider women's sexual surge being in their 40s and 50s and how that would be.

 

Overall, I feel I'm much more mentally/emotionally stable in my older years, easily amused, grateful for each pretty day and every cuddle with my dogs.