Eternal Sunshine Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Sigh. My work is a relationship deadland. Plenty of attractive, smart and successful men. All of them married As for her not wanting to start anything as soon as is hired, it pretty much depends on how attracted to you she is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Now I'm completely confused by your post. Why does the girl have to chase him? The guy is fully taking the lead in escalating step by step; all the girl has to do is to accept if she's interested. The whole point of building things up step by step is to make her feel comfortable and gauge her interest. What is confusing? OP expresses fears on left and right. He's going to leave it ambiguous (grabbing coffee, chatting her up), he is afraid for his job, he fears rejection, consequences......... I think under this circumstances - it is better not even to start. Taking months/years of teasing will be 'welcome' only if she's not interested in getting some. Otherwise they'll both be left 'happily' sexually frustrated........ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Now that I think of it... I had three coworkers and a boss hit on me. But I didn't know something was happening. We went to dinner, hiking, pal around, answered personal questions, getting to know each other. I thought I was one of the guys. Never for a minute did I think any of that was dating. Until the guy makes a physical move, then I'm like WTH is wrong with you! At the workplace, if you want it to be a date, you have to make it very obvious. In my experience, I've only had work place romance develope when I (the woman) initiated. You have to give her time to start thinking of you the way you are thinking of her. She needs to become interested first, otherwise if you initiate it's "WTH!" on her end. If she starts to like you in that way, she'll let you know, and she'll escalate the signs until you get it, or flat out make a move herself. Really works better here if the woman leads 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 ^ Yes - the above is the point I've been trying to convey but couldn't put it in the right words. Lunches, coffees, personal exchanges with coworkers can be extremely ambiguous especially for a young and naive woman. I do these with guys and women alike without being interested in them - to keep a friendly workplace. Basically it is a dead end for a shy woman even if she's interested, I know for myself I'd never escalate, just no way, unless the guy is forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) My married boss squeezed my butt rly hard. How's that for escalating at work? Don't do that approach. **Oh and that hilarious story concludes with me deciding to quit my job that day Edited January 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 With this situation, I would pull back. OP is already trying hard and still hasn't discovered any indicator of interest. Step back and see if she comes around to you. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 It seems that many of the successful workplace romance cases happened as each party developed romantic attraction to each other after they had been interacting for a while. But I have also heard of exceptions: Harvey Weinstein started chasing his assistant (who later became his first wife) hard the moment she started her job. But I'm sure he would care less if he creeped the hell out of the assistant Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 It seems that many of the successful workplace romance cases happened as each party developed romantic attraction to each other after they had been interacting for a while. But I have also heard of exceptions: Harvey Weinstein started chasing his assistant (who later became his first wife) hard the moment she started her job. But I'm sure he would care less if he creeped the hell out of the assistant With this example you managed to drastically decrease my desire for workplace insta-escalation ... Maybe in the end of the day coffees&lunches are not that bad of a strategy... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 I agree with the discussions about being seen as the creep who asked a girl out virtually as soon as she walked in the door. She may well react with "Jebus, my seat is barely warm and some old guy is hitting on me". Have you given any thought to how *she* would feel having to work with and be trained by a guy who's already hit on her once? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SevenCity Posted January 24, 2018 Author Share Posted January 24, 2018 What is confusing? OP expresses fears on left and right. He's going to leave it ambiguous (grabbing coffee, chatting her up), he is afraid for his job, he fears rejection, consequences......... I think under this circumstances - it is better not even to start. Taking months/years of teasing will be 'welcome' only if she's not interested in getting some. Otherwise they'll both be left 'happily' sexually frustrated........ Wow. What makes you think I’m cowering in fear? I’m not afraid for my job at all, rather concerned about creating an uncomfortable situation. I won’t keep on pestering if she declines an out of work outing. Not only because that can be considered sexual harassment, but also because I don’t ask more than once. Perhaps it makes me beta in your eyes not to tell my employer to F off and jump on my motorcycle down for a ride to the unemployment office, but so be it. Because it’s work and she’s new I’m not going to whip it out and ask her what she’s gonna do with it (I’ll save that if I ever get involved with her) I’m going to gauge interest (which seems to be increasing btw) and take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 I’m not afraid for my job at all, rather concerned about creating an uncomfortable situation. I won’t keep on pestering if she declines an out of work outing. Not only because that can be considered sexual harassment, but also because I don’t ask more than once. I think it's wise to be concerned about creating an uncomfortable situation. It's why I'm in the 'slow burn' camp. If you start to see interest, then act. But otherwise, leave it alone. She's there to work, not to date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SevenCity Posted January 24, 2018 Author Share Posted January 24, 2018 I agree with the discussions about being seen as the creep who asked a girl out virtually as soon as she walked in the door. She may well react with "Jebus, my seat is barely warm and some old guy is hitting on me". Have you given any thought to how *she* would feel having to work with and be trained by a guy who's already hit on her once? That’s about the only thing I’ve been thinking about, hence why I keep mentioning the potential uncomfortable situation. If she says no I’ll be fine. Disappointed, but happy in that I tried. I’m not surprised you’ve now painted me into an old pervert; I know we almost always disagree so it’s natural your you to vilify me and paint her now as a victim. But here’s the thing, if every guy worried his advances might upset the delicate flower that is all females, no one would get together. That’s part of being a dude - you have to take chances as 99% of women won’t initiate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Hey don't get offended. I was just trying to convey slow approach may not give you results because she may not even recognize it as flirting. Also - for the rejection - again speaking only from my own experiences but I've never said 'yes' to first invite for a dinner date, no matter how insanely interested I was (actually the more interested I was, the more awkward the reaction ). Call it fear if you want, need for additional confirmation etc. Usually after 2-3 clear invites things will start moving. [The main experience I refer to was with a roommate not coworker, but in many ways similar - 'forbidden' element, risk, repeated exposure etc] Wow. What makes you think I’m cowering in fear? I’m not afraid for my job at all, rather concerned about creating an uncomfortable situation. I won’t keep on pestering if she declines an out of work outing. Not only because that can be considered sexual harassment, but also because I don’t ask more than once. Perhaps it makes me beta in your eyes not to tell my employer to F off and jump on my motorcycle down for a ride to the unemployment office, but so be it. Because it’s work and she’s new I’m not going to whip it out and ask her what she’s gonna do with it (I’ll save that if I ever get involved with her) I’m going to gauge interest (which seems to be increasing btw) and take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Hi, Don't ask her out. It's not recommended to date people at work. Have you heard of that? If you insist, I'd recommend you try to see if there's any interest before inviting her anywhere. Does she look at you? Does she approaches you? Does she smile? Can you feel if she's comfortable with you? Check her physical reactions, her eyes, if she touches her hair when is with you, if she seems exited, or blushed... If you find any of these signs, try to get close to her, ask her things, show interest. Do activities together at work, etc. You should know if she's into you or not, it's not that hard to descipher is a woman is sexually attracted to a guy or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 That’s about the only thing I’ve been thinking about, hence why I keep mentioning the potential uncomfortable situation. If she says no I’ll be fine. Disappointed, but happy in that I tried. I’m not surprised you’ve now painted me into an old pervert; I know we almost always disagree so it’s natural your you to vilify me and paint her now as a victim. But here’s the thing, if every guy worried his advances might upset the delicate flower that is all females, no one would get together. That’s part of being a dude - you have to take chances as 99% of women won’t initiate. I remember you now. You’re what? Almost late 40’s now? The type of women you’re seeking are rare and late 30’s is cutting it close for what you’re looking for. I’m not sure why you haven’t been able to ask questions by now alluding to whether she’s seeing someone, what is she doing here, etc. Quit worrying about the dufus grin, teasing, making her laugh. This isn’t hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SevenCity Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 Hey don't get offended. I was just trying to convey slow approach may not give you results because she may not even recognize it as flirting. Also - for the rejection - again speaking only from my own experiences but I've never said 'yes' to first invite for a dinner date, no matter how insanely interested I was (actually the more interested I was, the more awkward the reaction ). Call it fear if you want, need for additional confirmation etc. Usually after 2-3 clear invites things will start moving. [The main experience I refer to was with a roommate not coworker, but in many ways similar - 'forbidden' element, risk, repeated exposure etc] I'd love to hear your reasonings behind shooting a guy down with whom you are "insanely" interested. I've seen the "wear down" technique work for some guys (rarely) but it's really not for me. Though I must correct myself - I used it once in college and ended up finally bedding the chick who ultimately went back to her bf after a break with me. I pretty much asked her out whenever we were in class until one day, to my surprise, she ended up saying yes. That said, I have no patience to waste my valuable time on chicks with low/no interest or who play games. Homestly the only woman I tried to "win over" was my ex. Which proved to be a massive exercise in futility. Though I do agree that slow escalation can be a killer. I'm going to pace this according to her actions. One thing I'll say about myself, women almost never mistake my advances for friendship and I've yet to have an ex want to be friends (or really any woman). The last girl I was seeing (who was friends with many of her exes - like hung out and went to dinners, part of the reason she wasn't LTR material.) I think quantified it when she said "See this is why you can't understand exes being friends. I know you'll always F me if given the chance!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 I'd love to hear your reasonings behind shooting a guy down with whom you are "insanely" interested. Main one is just anxiety Just after so much ramp up in my head, when it finally happens - I can't form the words ('yes let's do it'). Haven't you even had that with a woman that you are very attracted to? Or performance anxiety? It is my version of it. Secondary reasons: scared of 'observers' (especially at work), ambiguity in the invite making me unsure is it serious, situational reasons (e.g. would have confirmed if the invite was given in after hours but not before an important meeting that is taking my mind). Exes: it is different because you've had sex with them already. I kind of agree with the sentiment expressed by your ex I'd love to hear your reasonings behind shooting a guy down with whom you are "insanely" interested. I've seen the "wear down" technique work for some guys (rarely) but it's really not for me. Though I must correct myself - I used it once in college and ended up finally bedding the chick who ultimately went back to her bf after a break with me. I pretty much asked her out whenever we were in class until one day, to my surprise, she ended up saying yes. That said, I have no patience to waste my valuable time on chicks with low/no interest or who play games. Homestly the only woman I tried to "win over" was my ex. Which proved to be a massive exercise in futility. Though I do agree that slow escalation can be a killer. I'm going to pace this according to her actions. One thing I'll say about myself, women almost never mistake my advances for friendship and I've yet to have an ex want to be friends (or really any woman). The last girl I was seeing (who was friends with many of her exes - like hung out and went to dinners, part of the reason she wasn't LTR material.) I think quantified it when she said "See this is why you can't understand exes being friends. I know you'll always F me if given the chance!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author SevenCity Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 I'd love to hear your reasonings behind shooting a guy down with whom you are "insanely" interested. Main one is just anxiety Just after so much ramp up in my head, when it finally happens - I can't form the words ('yes let's do it'). Haven't you even had that with a woman that you are very attracted to? Or performance anxiety? It is my version of it. Secondary reasons: scared of 'observers' (especially at work), ambiguity in the invite making me unsure is it serious, situational reasons (e.g. would have confirmed if the invite was given in after hours but not before an important meeting that is taking my mind). Exes: it is different because you've had sex with them already. I kind of agree with the sentiment expressed by your ex Fair enough. Not that I've had performance anxiety but I totally understand choaking if I'm really into a chick. However, if she came up and asked me out I can promise you I wouldn't say no! How did you decline? Perhaps that had someone to do with them asking you again. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 How did you decline? Perhaps that had someone to do with them asking you again. In my cases - 1) when it was ambiguous - going for it as if it was a joke 2) if I was too overwhelmed - it has happened to just miss the question and continue talking on a different subject or 3) when I was actually not sure - twisting it to something else (e.g. grab a lunch / go for a walk - i.e. friendly vibe - instead of the original dinner request) Link to post Share on other sites
Author SevenCity Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 In my cases - 1) when it was ambiguous - going for it as if it was a joke 2) if I was too overwhelmed - it has happened to just miss the question and continue talking on a different subject or 3) when I was actually not sure - twisting it to something else (e.g. grab a lunch / go for a walk - i.e. friendly vibe - instead of the original dinner request) Very interesting. Thanks for sharing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 In my cases - 1) when it was ambiguous - going for it as if it was a joke 2) if I was too overwhelmed - it has happened to just miss the question and continue talking on a different subject or 3) when I was actually not sure - twisting it to something else (e.g. grab a lunch / go for a walk - i.e. friendly vibe - instead of the original dinner request) In a nutshell, such is the behavior of a very shy girl. I think some guys may mistake your shyness as game playing, whereas those who are insecure may think you are rejecting them. With a very shy girl, the guy has to be very patient, at the workplace or otherwise. I remember coming across a case study of a couple seeking marriage therapy. The husband of the case remembered when he first met his wife, she was a very shy girl, and he made up his mind to use the next 5 years to woo her That was such a genuine love story. He didn't complain that the girl was playing hard to get, or about his being sexually frustrated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 In a nutshell, such is the behavior of a very shy girl. I think some guys may mistake your shyness as game playing, whereas those who are insecure may think you are rejecting them. With a very shy girl, the guy has to be very patient, at the workplace or otherwise. I remember coming across a case study of a couple seeking marriage therapy. The husband of the case remembered when he first met his wife, she was a very shy girl, and he made up his mind to use the next 5 years to woo her That was such a genuine love story. He didn't complain that the girl was playing hard to get, or about his being sexually frustrated. Yeah shyness and game playing are very different in origin but can appear similar to an untrained eye. Workplace just makes everything worse for people that are on the shy side (aggravates shyness because of external pressure). Btw this has no correlation with sexual desires: as I've shared before after a 'real' first date in my case things would progress too fast if anything. Cute story, although 5 years - wow:) I'd have been dying from fluid loss in the meanwhile:laugh: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dis Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 I agree with the discussions about being seen as the creep who asked a girl out virtually as soon as she walked in the door. She may well react with "Jebus, my seat is barely warm and some old guy is hitting on me". Have you given any thought to how *she* would feel having to work with and be trained by a guy who's already hit on her once? I don't think this is a fair statement Seven has mentioned many times that he's treading lightly so he doesnt create an uncomfortable situation for her or for himself. He's being friendly and helpful to her...I dont see where he's being creepy I think what some posters are forgetting is: After a long, unsuccessful stint on OLD, it's EXCITING to find someone IRL who you actually want to date! I don't blame Seven for feeling impatient. I would too. Given this woman seems a little shy, the last thing she's going to do is drop an obvi hint that she's interested...esp since she's new to the job. I'm shy too and if I were in her shoes, I would be too timid to be anything other than friendly at work I like the idea of taking a coffee break with her. I think after a few of those, then you can ask her out to lunch. I think a slow build up, but not too slow would be perfect. I wouldnt worry about the timing too much because if she's really interested, the timing won't matter I think she might be interested... its a good sign she's been chatty and talks about personal stuff Maybe look her up on social media to see if she's taken though. That way you dont waste your time if she is. This is exciting! Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 OP: Do you think you'd be as helpful and patient in helping her pick up her new job if she rejects you? Now that I think of it, most of my married good friends met their spouses either from college/grad school, or from the workplace. Link to post Share on other sites
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