Escalating at work

[No_Go]

That's precisely why you need to escalate step by step. But I get the impression the OP may not be that patient :laugh:

 

Here I can only speak for myself but what would throw me off with the roundabout approach (throw an ‘upgrade dinner’ during friendly hangout) is the game playing. Sometimes it is better to be explicit, for men. The roundabout way is self-sabotaging because it sends beta vibes (unless she’s into that). And if it is just friendly handouts ... sex won’t happen...

 

Of course he’s scared for the HR watch So I foresee here coffee buddies...

[Chilli]

You’re doing a pretty good job SevenCity. Keep escalating gradually and see how she responds. It’s possible that she’s only being nice because she’s new and you’re mentoring her but you never know. But would I pursue anything if I were in your shoes? Never. Too many ways to get screwed.

 

 

@ This one cracks me up but yah about it , tricky business this one.

 

 

I knew you would say something like this! I hope you recover from oneitis soon

@ exactly what l was thinking, how to get screwed at work in 1 minute flat.

[Chilli]

Yep l go with Bas , def' step one you gotta know if she is seeing anyone.

 

That's easy , just ask her if she's seeing anyone. l get women asking me that 1 sec' after meeting me, or if l'm married or whatever.

Thing is it doesn't have to mean anything or that your interested in her , just slip it in between the old lines somewhere .

Although when women ask me there's nothing subtle about it it's just like whopppp, you married, or whatever, cracks me up.

 

ps , know what you mean about personality, l'm all about personality and that one in a million.

 

Good luck anyway.

[JuneL]

Here I can only speak for myself but what would throw me off with the roundabout approach (throw an ‘upgrade dinner’ during friendly hangout) is the game playing. Sometimes it is better to be explicit, for men. The roundabout way is self-sabotaging because it sends beta vibes (unless she’s into that).

 

Oh I assure you, I've always been only attracted to men who are very alpha and manly. Taking the lead and escalating step by step is different from pretending to to a friend first. Those very alpha guys send very clear signals by how they talk to you and look at you, don't they?

 

OP: Sorry for hijacking the thread. Good luck!

[SevenCity]

Someone has to come in and rain on your parade, sorry it will be me

 

How old are you Sevencity? late 40ish I think? You said she is 10 years younger so that makes her late 30ish. She's not a prude, she's not new to life and not new to dating. She knows too well when a man likes what he sees in her. If she has not sent a shred of a 'hint' it's because she's not interested in anything further with you.

 

I think you misinterpret her kindness for interest.

 

It's highly probable you are correct. But that's the thing about being a man that most women don't get; no risk no reward. Rejection is a part of life and unless there are obvious outward signs of disinterest you have to run the risk. I've been surprised by interest when I really thought I had no shot.

[SevenCity]

You shouldn't worry about sending a "friend vibe"; as others have said, it's an office. People are there to work, not flirt, and they're going to assume friendship as a default. (I worked very closely on a daily basis with my now-husband for over a year before I realized he might actually be flirting with me.) But this is a good thing. Coming off as romantically interested to a brand-new coworker who you're supposed to be helping ends in your manager's office.

 

Spend some more time together and see how she behaves. If she talks a lot about personal issues or suggests she's interested in meeting up outside of work, you have a good indication that she might be up for more. If she isn't interested she can reject your overtures gently and you'll both be fine.

 

I'm there to do both

 

Romantic interest is a part of life, it's when its unwanted and persistent that it becomes an issue.

 

But I'm inclined to agree that spending more time would be ideal. However, many women lose interest if you don't make a move soon enough unless their attraction is super high.

[SevenCity]

That's precisely why you need to escalate step by step. But I get the impression the OP may not be that patient :laugh:

 

Ha ha....guilty!

 

I think coffee may be a good next step. That way if there is zero interest I'm not stuck there for an hour.

[SevenCity]

Yep l go with Bas , def' step one you gotta know if she is seeing anyone.

 

That's easy , just ask her if she's seeing anyone. l get women asking me that 1 sec' after meeting me, or if l'm married or whatever.

Thing is it doesn't have to mean anything or that your interested in her , just slip it in between the old lines somewhere .

Although when women ask me there's nothing subtle about it it's just like whopppp, you married, or whatever, cracks me up.

 

ps , know what you mean about personality, l'm all about personality and that one in a million.

 

Good luck anyway.

 

The problem with asking is it forces action if she says no:

 

1) "Great, how about we get dinner this weekend?" Which may be too soon

 

2) "Great. I'm going to not do anything with this information because it's too soon and become your gay male girlfriend".

[No_Go]

The problem with asking is it forces action if she says no:

 

1) "Great, how about we get dinner this weekend?" Which may be too soon

 

2) "Great. I'm going to not do anything with this information because it's too soon and become your gay male girlfriend".

 

Gosh if she says no in scenario 1) - ask again in a week (or two weeks). Don't be too pushy BUT be assertive, otherwise yeah, you guessed it right - you become 2).

[No_Go]

Oh I assure you, I've always been only attracted to men who are very alpha and manly. Taking the lead and escalating step by step is different from pretending to to a friend first. Those very alpha guys send very clear signals by how they talk to you and look at you, don't they?

 

OP: Sorry for hijacking the thread. Good luck!

 

Ahhhh the alpha vibe......... Yeah, in its pure form it is very clear. But when muddied by the desire to be PC and fears (of rejection, HR, whatever).......... it loses it's appeal.

 

Who knows, maybe OP's girl will be chasing him if he 'hints' her interest but I doubt it..... Very few women will do this.

[SevenCity]

Gosh if she says no in scenario 1) - ask again in a week (or two weeks). Don't be too pushy BUT be assertive, otherwise yeah, you guessed it right - you become 2).

 

Once I get a rejection I'm haulting all forward movement. As much as I'm attracted to her she is not worth risking my job.

[rightondude]

wait wait wait...dude, I thought you had all the ANSWERS on this site...

 

now surely you know the workplace romance is a slow burn, right?

 

Do you and any of your co-workers all go out for beers after work ever? if so, that's perfect, invite her to join the gang. If not, maybe put that in motion and make her an invitee.

 

Other than that, I'd say pal around, and once she gets familiar enough with you, it will come about naturally in the course of interaction.

 

I've had two workplace relationships. They started with meetings, work on projects, evolved into sitting by each other at meetings, slight flirtations in emails, interest in life outside of work, lunch (I don't care if you "don't do lunch" ... start doing it!) , evolving into "what are you doing this weekend?" (innocent enough question), into hanging out, then finally the full fledged "fling the papers off the desk and bang" scenario. Or well, close to it.

 

But it was a slow burn on both occasions.

[No_Go]

full fledged "fling the papers off the desk and bang" scenario. Or well, close to it.

 

From lunches to full fledged it sounds like a hell of an escalation. Although it makes sense after reaching a 'boiling' point. Good for you Patience is a virtue.

[rightondude]

also, the keys to not being hauled into HR:

 

MAKE DAMN SURE SHE IS NOT IN ANY WAY UNDER YOUR AUTHORITY/MANAGEMENT UMBRELLA AT WORK

 

Make sure she's attracted to you or at least make sure you're close enough that when you make a move, if she's not interested, she's at least flattered or can honestly laugh it off

 

If rejected, DON'T EVER TRY AGAIN

[No_Go]

Once I get a rejection I'm haulting all forward movement. As much as I'm attracted to her she is not worth risking my job.

 

You know, if you're really that concerned, better don't start. You'll exhaust both of you. I'm sure there are women around you in less risky situations that you can approach.

[rightondude]

From lunches to full fledged it sounds like a hell of an escalation. Although it makes sense after reaching a 'boiling' point. Good for you Patience is a virtue.

 

once you learn enough about a person and work enough with a person, you (or I at least) generally knew when it was OK to take the next step. But again, it took time. I can't stress that enough.

 

Remember, we see the people we work with a lot more than anyone else in life.

[No_Go]

once you learn enough about a person and work enough with a person, you (or I at least) generally knew when it was OK to take the next step. But again, it took time. I can't stress that enough.

 

Remember, we see the people we work with a lot more than anyone else in life.

 

Out of curiosity - are you talking here about weeks? months? years? Yeah the social validation and plenty of face time makes it unique situation ...

 

I absolutely agree with you to steer clear from authorities and subordinates. But the rest... why not.

[lana-banana]

wait wait wait...dude, I thought you had all the ANSWERS on this site...

 

now surely you know the workplace romance is a slow burn, right?

 

Do you and any of your co-workers all go out for beers after work ever? if so, that's perfect, invite her to join the gang. If not, maybe put that in motion and make her an invitee.

 

Other than that, I'd say pal around, and once she gets familiar enough with you, it will come about naturally in the course of interaction.

 

I've had two workplace relationships. They started with meetings, work on projects, evolved into sitting by each other at meetings, slight flirtations in emails, interest in life outside of work, lunch (I don't care if you "don't do lunch" ... start doing it!) , evolving into "what are you doing this weekend?" (innocent enough question), into hanging out, then finally the full fledged "fling the papers off the desk and bang" scenario. Or well, close to it.

 

But it was a slow burn on both occasions.

 

This, this, a thousand times this (well, maybe not the sex-on-the-desks part). I know of many workplace romances---at the very large organization where my husband and I met, forty-five percent of married employees met their spouses on the job!--and none of the ones I know involved a point blank request to get dinner sometime. They all started as friendships or co-working assignments that blossomed into something more.

 

Directly asking her out doesn't seem wise. She just started, so you're practically still in the first impression phase. Do you really want to be the guy who asks the new person out before she even has her things settled, much less before you have any idea whether that kind of advance would be welcome? She might end up telling other new female hires as a kind of warning. Even if she didn't feel weirded out by it, "he asked me out as soon as I got here" is not great for your reputation. If she's worth pursuing, then take your time and let something develop, or not.

[rightondude]

Out of curiosity - are you talking here about weeks? months? years? Yeah the social validation and plenty of face time makes it unique situation ...

 

I absolutely agree with you to steer clear from authorities and subordinates. But the rest... why not.

 

Months. Close to a year but not quite.

[rightondude]

Even if she didn't feel weirded out by it, "he asked me out as soon as I got here" is not great for your reputation. If she's worth pursuing, then take your time and let something develop, or not.

 

this is a great point. []I doubt you want your reputation to be the creepy groomer, SevenCity.

Edited January 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Highndry]

I'm skeptical of her wanting to jump into a relationship with a coworker right after being hired for the job. My guess is no way in hell will she want to.

 

Have you ever dated somebody you work with, and then broken up? I have. I'd never do it again. Ever. And this wasn't even a career job but just something I was doing while in college.

 

Having to go to work each and every day to face your ex whom you broke up with blows, to put it mildly. Ask yourself if this is the sort of thing you're interested in. Actually, next time you're at work, do a little bit of daydreaming as you're alongside her, imagining the dynamic if you two had just gone through a painful split. How does that affect the job?

[SevenCity]

wait wait wait...dude, I thought you had all the ANSWERS on this site...

 

now surely you know the workplace romance is a slow burn, right?

 

Do you and any of your co-workers all go out for beers after work ever? if so, that's perfect, invite her to join the gang. If not, maybe put that in motion and make her an invitee.

 

Other than that, I'd say pal around, and once she gets familiar enough with you, it will come about naturally in the course of interaction.

 

I've had two workplace relationships. They started with meetings, work on projects, evolved into sitting by each other at meetings, slight flirtations in emails, interest in life outside of work, lunch (I don't care if you "don't do lunch" ... start doing it!) , evolving into "what are you doing this weekend?" (innocent enough question), into hanging out, then finally the full fledged "fling the papers off the desk and bang" scenario. Or well, close to it.

 

But it was a slow burn on both occasions.

 

I know what I know, but I don’t have all the answers. My knowledge is strongest in relationship dynamics and female behavior. I have never been great at pickup (though I have done prett well for myself regardless).

 

My three workplace relationships started similarly, but because the signs of interest were obvious the path to execution was clear.

[SevenCity]

I'm skeptical of her wanting to jump into a relationship with a coworker right after being hired for the job. My guess is no way in hell will she want to.

 

Have you ever dated somebody you work with, and then broken up? I have. I'd never do it again. Ever. And this wasn't even a career job but just something I was doing while in college.

 

Having to go to work each and every day to face your ex whom you broke up with blows, to put it mildly. Ask yourself if this is the sort of thing you're interested in. Actually, next time you're at work, do a little bit of daydreaming as you're alongside her, imagining the dynamic if you two had just gone through a painful split. How does that affect the job?

 

I did, once, and it was horrific.

 

This is a huge concern of mine as well if things ever materialized. On the same token, I’m surprised I’m even willing to entertain any relationship after how I felt when the last one ended. Luckily I was no longer working at that job when we split.

 

That said, my opportunities to meet women to whom I’m attracted physically AND emotionally are rare to say the least.

 

My experiences on OLD (where I’ve been forced to search) have led to exactly two women I really liked. One turned out to be a psycho drama queen entitled idiot after dating for a few months. The other was a recent date who had no interest.

 

I’ve had mini RLs with several but after a while that gets old when you find out you don’t really like them as a person.

 

So worth the risk? Probably not. But what the hell right?

[Chilli]

The problem with asking is it forces action if she says no:

 

1) "Great, how about we get dinner this weekend?" Which may be too soon

 

2) "Great. I'm going to not do anything with this information because it's too soon and become your gay male girlfriend".

 

 

Can't say as l agree , if she said nope not seein anyone l'd be ah yeah and just go on with whatever.

let her wonder for awhile if you not ready., l know, l'm a tease.

Edited January 24, 2018 by Chilli

[JuneL]

Ahhhh the alpha vibe......... Yeah, in its pure form it is very clear. But when muddied by the desire to be PC and fears (of rejection, HR, whatever).......... it loses it's appeal.

 

Who knows, maybe OP's girl will be chasing him if he 'hints' her interest but I doubt it..... Very few women will do this.

 

Now I'm completely confused by your post. Why does the girl have to chase him? The guy is fully taking the lead in escalating step by step; all the girl has to do is to accept if she's interested. The whole point of building things up step by step is to make her feel comfortable and gauge her interest.

Edited January 24, 2018 by JuneL