Is my husband jealous or upset ?

[S2B]

It's all words at this point - and he has no reason to believe you until your actions earn his trust back LONG term.

 

Are you seeing a counselor yet?

 

Why do you feel the need to manipulate him by sleeping with him? He's on to your tactics... time for loads of change from you.

[Cephalopod]

Does anyone else...find it hard to believe that LW has not slept with any of these guys since she has been married?

 

 

 

 

Yo! Right here.

[Marc878]

so finally i told my husband ,we have to be more open and i do understand my acts and texting and flirting were in appropriate,but i will need some time to change those things, for that you have to trust me,

 

i am ready to work on that, but it seems to be that you are not even ready to put any effort into this.

 

my husband replied really ? or are you serious ?

then he started laughing.

 

after that i started crying, he asked me politely to stop crying,

 

after wards he ordered pizza for us and he fed the pizza through his hand.

 

i was happy and i asked him, can we sleep together on the same bed and without clothes,

 

my husband quickly replied no way.

 

then today early morning i came back to chicago.

 

i know, its a long way to go for both of us.

 

Sounds like he's had enough of your behavior and is repulsed.

 

I suspect if you don't turn it around quickly you're going to get dumped.

[lovelywife]

Those who are questioning about my loyalty and faithfulness towards my husband on this forum,let me tell you guys, i have never cheated on my husband or slept with anyone.

 

i do understand my issues are serious and i am working on it,i am having a session with therapist and counselor.

 

i will do anything to save my marriage and honestly speaking after therapy session, i am able to understand those concerns,

 

and i am grateful to my husband for the chance.

 

today morning i have texted my husband ; love you till my last breath, love you,miss you and thanked him, apologized also

 

finally my husband responded : have a good day and i love you too.

Edited February 7, 2018 by lovelywife

[olivetree]

Those who are questioning about my loyalty and faithfulness towards my husband on this forum,let me tell you guys, i have never cheated on my husband or slept with anyone.

 

i do understand my issues are serious and i am working on it,i am having a session with therapist and counselor.

 

i will do anything to save my marriage and honestly speaking after therapy session, i am able to understand those concerns,

 

and i am grateful to my husband for the chance.

 

today morning i have texted my husband ; love you till my last breath, love you,miss you and thanked him, apologized also

 

finally my husband responded : have a good day and i love you too.

 

By seeing a therapist, you're finally showing him with ACTIONS that you're serious about permanent change.

 

This is what he needs.

 

Keep it up and good luck.

[atreides]

LvWife,

 

You have already cheated on him, cheating is not just sex (even though you have done things way too inappropriate that for me personally would be a deal breaker) but thought to action that allows you to conduct behavior that crosses boundaries you know are there. Cheating is the "betrayal" of boundaries you accepted as a married woman. You accept this by choice of entering a marriage just as the choice to have illicit behavior.

 

Your husband did do the right moves thus far... but your issues is that you are thinking about you and not him which is a red flag to me in your journey to try and reconcile this... A marriage is 2 parts but when one is not working by betrayal like behavior not conducive for a marriage unless agreed to, then that person should be the one to fix themselves.

It is the same advise waywards get, the cheater must fix what is wrong inside to allow them in crossing boundaries, this is done individually, it is not a marriage issue and thus not the context for marriage counseling.

I would dig deep and look in the mirror, get some counseling to discover the whys, whats and hows of your behavior. You will learn more about yourself and end up being a better you, a better wife if that is something you ultimately find yourself wanting to be.

Your posts sound too much about you (like posts in how attractive you are and male responses along with things you write in how you respond such as trying to get your husband to say what you already know is wrong by your behavior, so again it all sound too much about you) with sprinkles of some guilt but not remorse yet in my opinion. I think you are going through the motions because your H put you on notice. This is not being genuine to yourself or your H.

The key to this is being honest with yourself first because if not, any attempt to be honest with your H will fail.

You have to come to terms that you did cheat on your H and do work to yourself to fix that. Before you react to the above statement, again i remind you, cheating is not about "levels" it is the thought to action of betrayal whether it be an emotional interaction to full physical... it is cheating as it betrays boundaries.

Come to terms with it, your H would have never had papers drawn up if all was innocent and playful. This is why others here are saying you are in the clouds.. I am trying to be blunt and brutally honest with you.

Fix yourself first, you H, the man you love so much will love you even more for it.

 

*update, i did not see your last post, i am glad you are going to therapy... continue, it is not an overnight process.

[RonJames21]

I guess I'm confused. Why are you, a married woman, dancing in a "sensual" way with ex bfs?

[RonJames21]

Those who are questioning about my loyalty and faithfulness towards my husband on this forum,let me tell you guys, i have never cheated on my husband or slept with anyone.

 

i do understand my issues are serious and i am working on it,i am having a session with therapist and counselor.

 

i will do anything to save my marriage and honestly speaking after therapy session, i am able to understand those concerns,

 

and i am grateful to my husband for the chance.

 

today morning i have texted my husband ; love you till my last breath, love you,miss you and thanked him, apologized also

 

finally my husband responded : have a good day and i love you too.

 

You do not respect your husband. How could you dance with an ex bf in front of him like you did? Let other men kiss your navel?

 

I feel bad for your husband that he has put up with this. You disrespect him.

[usa1ah]

Those who are questioning about my loyalty and faithfulness towards my husband on this forum,let me tell you guys, i have never cheated on my husband or slept with anyone.

 

i do understand my issues are serious and i am working on it,i am having a session with therapist and counselor.

 

i will do anything to save my marriage and honestly speaking after therapy session, i am able to understand those concerns,

 

and i am grateful to my husband for the chance.

 

today morning i have texted my husband ; love you till my last breath, love you,miss you and thanked him, apologized also

 

finally my husband responded : have a good day and i love you too.

 

This is the problem, you have cheated. What you have posted about you doings with others, 99% of people consider cheating. That is why your husband has divorce papers for you.

 

Until you understand this, you can’t fix this.

[lovelywife]

Good day members,

 

I have been attending therapy, counseling,meditation session from last few weeks.

 

Things are working out from my side,have stopped sexting,flirting,other kind of those activities,which women are not supposed to do in a marriage/relationship.

 

I can see my self on the line of improvement.

 

Lot of effort is required from my side.

 

Already given access of my email account and other networking accounts/bank account to my husband.

 

I am typing these words from the Hotel in L A ,while my husband is sleeping like a cute baby.

 

Yesterday night,we had a wonderful diner at a romantic place and he kissed me on my lips then held me in his arms for sometime.

 

I really enjoyed those moments.

[anika99]

Keep up the counselling. I also think you should look for a new job. Your reputation where you work now is in the toilet and probably can't be repaired. Get rid of the friends you have who think touching and groping other men while you are married is okay and who have criticized your husband for not being the same. I'm very concerned for your husband honestly. Given how little insight you showed on this thread just a week ago I don't have high hopes for any real or lasting changes. You can go through the motions but real change takes a long time and a lot of work. I can't help but worry that you are just doing whatever it takes to manipulate your husband back into complacency. I truly hope you are sincere.

 

Again I suggest you get a new job and better friends.

[Adotta]

I agree with anika99 your job is probably toast. I know women like you. It's a big joke in my guy friend circles. We take bets on who will be the first man to shag them. I don't participate in the attempted shagging but I do get my jollies off on the back room talks.

 

If you knew what all these men thought about you, you would probably be ashamed. Or maybe not.

 

I don't see how women think these actions that are designed to get attention do any good. It just labels you a stupid ho. If you lead your life with your sexuality that's all people will see you as. A loose girl who's one sly comment away from a gang bang. Your turning yourself into the office joke.

 

Those friends got to go as well. They don't respect your husband at all. If somone had commented that my girls ex and her seemed perfect for eachother on top of her doing a sensual dance with him I would be gone. I've seen men who put up with disrespectful and flirty whore like women and I've never once thought " they seem cool and laid back " no matter how cool as a cucumber about it he is. All I can think is " you poor pathetic fool. "

 

Hell this one buddy of mine likes to pass his girl around our group of friends like a sex doll. He likes having 3 ways and his girl grabs our dicks and ass and let's us do anything we want. Other buddies of mine have taken her into other rooms while he's almost dead drunk ****ed her and walked out like it was no big deal. I haven't had sex with her for 2 reasons. It's skeazy and I'm afraid of an std. Everytime me and my cousin talk about this situation we never respect this guy. He is our whipping boy behind closed doors. We call him a cuck and a pathetic looser. That's what people are thinking about your husband. Every time you flirt or do anything remotely sexual with another man he gets a superior feeling and looks down on your husband. Your actions tell them "my husband is NOT enough and I think your better." The cuck buddy of ours actually said somthing a few months ago along the lines of "tonight's been a great night". My cousin said " yeah your girlfriend didn't **** or suck any dick that wasn't yours so it must have been a great night for you." He laughed about it but you could see the comment hurt. I don't like disrespecting this guy but I just can't seem to give a **** what he thinks or says. He's pathetic. Sad part is he's tall handsome and has a good job. He could be an alpha male.... but he won't be.

 

Men get off on stealing and bedding other men's women. It's arousing and makes us feel like bad ass mofos. It makes us feel like we are super dashing sex gods and makes us feel like the other man is a pathetic wimp. It has almost nothing to do with the girl and everything to do with pissing on another man's territory. Yes women are not objects I KNOW. But that animal part of every man's brain doesn't see it that way.

 

Edit.

 

Also are you a drinker? If your getting drunk alot that will not help. The group slut always needs to get a few beers in her before she really unleashes the inner slut. Other more respectable girls in our group have asked her why she does these things and she says she just likes the attention.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Adotta

[Cullenbohannon]

Response to xxxxx edited out for decency.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Maraud3r]

Bloody hell. I feel bad for your husband, really bad. He basically let you walk all over him because he was that commited to you for the longest time and you thanked him by bringing this behaviour even into his circle of friends and engaging in it with his friends.

 

The thing is, this wasn't just your reputation as you found out you ruined. It was his reputation too. You made him a complete laughing stock in front of all these people. Your friends, your ex, his friends, the other people who witnessed it.

 

s.It looks like you are famous amongst men and they are approaching for their entertainment.

 

i was shocked, what kind of comment is this,

The truth. That's the type of comment that is. Which is likely why it became too much for him. Because while this throws a bad light on you and should tell you just what all your "friends" female and male really think about you. It also affects how they view him. Because he's the one who's stuck with you and put a ring on it.

 

Which you told us came about through deception, no?

 

but i will need some time to change those things, for that you have to trust me

Actually, such things can and should be changed instantly. It's like having an affair, you don't need to get some time to get out of it. Clean cut and be done.

 

i am ready to work on that, but it seems to be that you are not even ready to put any effort into this.

Actually, he's more willing than most other guys in his situation would be. If I was him you'd be an ex a long time ago.

after wards he ordered pizza for us and he fed the pizza through his hand.

 

i was happy and i asked him, can we sleep together on the same bed and without clothes

This might sound rude and really isn't intended that way but, reading the way you act and write I get the impression of a way younger and more naive person than an adult woman of 26 years.

 

If you knew what all these men thought about you, you would probably be ashamed. Or maybe not.

The worst thing is, these actions do not only have consequences for her. Just remember that these events went so out of hand she was groping/cuddling/being sensual with other men including people from his friend group in a public setting where other people could see him and her boyfriend was in attendance.

 

She eroded any respect these people might have had for him, which might even become a problem on a professional level if he is working with some of these people.

 

Those friends got to go as well. They don't respect your husband at all.

They don't seem to respect or value her much either. Remember these women have so little respect for her they don't even see her as a genuine threat they need to guard against when she is cuddling/groping with their boyfriends/husbands. She seems to be more like some kind of party entertainment, something to laugh at and have fun with than a friend.

[S2B]

Have you found the reason why you need so much attention from other men?

 

What have you found out that you can do differently when socializing?

 

How can you possibly socialize with your husband and friends again without being an attention magnet?

 

How can YOU give that attention to YOURSELF?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, to say this this thread borders on the ludicrous is putting it mildly. I cannot even begin to imagine the disrespect and humiliation the OP's husband must have suffered through. A person who cannot comprehend why her behaviour was completely over the top is someone who is unfit intellectually and emotionally to be married let alone to have been married for over three years. All I can say is that wonders never cease. I also think one cannot advise someone so bereft of commonsense to change her ways and get back on to a path resembling normalcy. All one can do is wish her husband the very best.

[merrmeade]

I have read your thread, OP, and My questions have not changed much?

 

From your descriptions of your husband, he sounds like a mature man with class, discrimination and character. So I wonder how you describe yourself and why you picked the name “kovelywife.”

 

I’d also like to say that it sounds like you were dismissing the significance of your inappropriate actions in part because others were doing it and all of you were convincing each other it was just flirting. But I think you knew it was wrong; that’s why you came here.

[merrmeade]

Maybe I should clarify - I’m asking if “lovely” is a reference to your physical beauty Ir an ideal you’re aspiring to, perhaps?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lovelywife, subsequent to my first post I have thought about things and I have a few questions for you if you can kindly answer them. The first is are you and your husband citizens of the US and if so, what is your ethnicity? If you are immigrants then how long have you been living in the US? Also, are your friends of the same ethnicity as you? How long have you known these friends? Why is it that you have thought that this kind of sexually provocative behaviour is acceptable for you and your circle of friends? Why, knowing that your husband was not comfortable with this kind of behaviour, did you rub it in his face and think that he would be okay with it?

 

On another note I want to ask you how you and your husband met? Was yours a love marriage or was it an arranged one? If it was an arranged marriage then the likely hood of your being from an Asian background seems almost certain. If that be the case then your behaviour is certainly out of the norm. Your husband being a virgin leads me to believe that you and your husband come from a conservative background which would fit in with the Asian perspective. I know that sexual mores are changing rather rapidly in Asian countries particularly the subcontinent but that is happening more so in the sophisticated upmarket yumpie crowd who have imbibed western values and behavioural patterns more readily than their less sophisticated less well to do and underpriviledged counterparts for whom rising up through the ranks of low middle class angst is more important than flaunting flagrant sexuality. The commonly accepted wisdom which still holds true was the term "Middle class morality"! Obviously you do not fit in with this class but possibly,, your husband does. You would have to shed light on this. However I am puzzled by the fact that your command of the English language is not commensurate with that of the yumpie crowd who have an excellent facility with the language. If you could clarify on these points it would be much appreciated. Best wishes.

Edited February 19, 2018 by Just a Guy

[merrmeade]

Oh, forgot to answer your question: is he upset or jealous? From what you’ve presented, I’d say not jealous but upset doesn’t quite work either. I’d say that at first he was probably shocked. Then as the disrespect sank in he probably felt somewhat angry, disappointed and disgusted. He didn’t show you his feelings at first. He kept his distance, consulted a lawyer, then gave you your ultimatum and second chance. That he’s not vulnerable to your manipulations to try and get him to give in sooner than six months attests to the extent of his disgust.

 

You’ve only been married three years, but the events in your first posts must have been developing over some time. So I wonder if part of his disappointment is that this is not the wife he thought he was getting.

 

The good thing is you’re beginning to see the problem with the help of counseling. I just hope you can change enough in time. You’re lucky he’s so calm and reflective and gave you this second chance.

[Bufo]

It is difficult to accept that you did not realize your repeated actions were only discovered to be upsetting to your husband after receiving advice from anonymous strangers on an internet site. You suspected it after he disappeared to Los Angeles, but seemed quite unsure until many of us offered our critical opinions.

 

Your husband is acting with deliberate planning. If he is wise, he sought legal advice in Illinois. There may come a time you may wish you had also done so. I hope you have a copy of these documents.

 

His lack of trust isn’t going to vanish overnight. He will watch your actions while ignoring your words.

[merrmeade]

He will watch your actions while ignoring your words.

This bears repeating and reinforces for me the difference in maturity. Really it's not about introspective personality and whatever other explanations you gave initially. It's that he has the wisdom and insight of maturity whereas you started out lacking self-awareness and driven by libido with almost zero self-control or restraint.

 

I suspect he's more than a few years older (sorry if you've already said this) and may be giving you an extra margin because of your immaturity. It sounds like he cannot be moved by tears or seduction.

 

I'll say it again: Don't waste time. Just work hard with the therapist and try to grow up as fast as you can. Be humble. Be sincere. Work hard but don't call attention to it. He will see. The only excuse you have is that you were immature. It's beyond magnanimous that he's given you this chance to prove yourself. It sounds like he's worth every bit of pain you're going through.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I hope the OP comes back to respond to the various posts made since the last one by her. She seems to be a seriously flawed person to have entered the institution of holy matrimony. Obviously, hers would have been an arranged marriage as her husband, considering the kind of person he is, would not have been moving around in the circles that she was in, to be able to fall in love with her. If he had, even by mistake, been moving around in that circle, he would not have made the mistake of falling in love with her after observing her behaviour. At that time, when she was unaware of who he was, she would have been at her flirty best and that would have put him off completely.

 

To my mind plain common sense should have dictated to her that she should be circumspect in her behaviour while in the presence of her husband in social situations. That she was not and was overtly flirting with the men present on these occasions speaks of a complete lack of both common sense and respect for her husband. That her husband tolerated her shenanigans for three full years before presenting her an ultimatum speaks of a level of tolerance and patience which is remarkable. However, as they say, 'All good things come to an end' and so it was in her case. I only hope that the rectification process she has now undertaken is not too little too late! Wish her the best.

[merrmeade]

To my mind plain common sense should have dictated to her that she should be circumspect in her behaviour while in the presence of her husband in social situations. That she was not and was overtly flirting with the men present on these occasions speaks of a complete lack of both common sense and respect for her husband.

But can we please not play the minimizing game with vocabulary? There’s flirting:

Flirting or coquetry is a social and sometimes sexual behavior involving verbal or written communication, as well as body language, by one person to another, either to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with the other person, or if done playfully, for amusement. In most cultures, it is socially disapproved for a person to make explicit sexual advances in public, or in private to someone not romantically acquainted, but indirect or suggestive advances (i.e. flirting) may at times be considered acceptable.

 

And then there’s explicitly provocative sexual behavior:

Originally Posted by lovelywife ... there are certain instances where I have touched, groped or cuddle with my best friend husbands, and my best friends are fine with their spouse that they also do with each other irrespective of the gender, ...

 

There was a party and unfortunately my ex bf was also there so we danced together in a sensual way, ...

 

Similar kind of instances happened, once daring task in a fun activity was given to me so I performed a kind of twerking activity on my male colleagues ...

 

Recently a month ago during some fun games, my best friend husband touched my body and kissed on my navel

...

Today some of my male colleagues tried to flirt or sexting me, i told them now these things should stop and i am married, they started questioning me, whats wrong with me ? its just sexting and flirting, they are not having physical intimacy with me.

Let us not change meaning. THAT was not flirting and allowing this misconception is what got her here in the first place. Sexting, sensual dancing, kissing navels are NOT mere flirting. And it’s not just me and Wikipedia that think so.

 

Even if it were “just” flirting, how is that harmless for a married person?

 

[Okay just looked up “twerking.” Knew what It looks like but not what it’s called. In any case, definitely not flirting.]

Edited February 25, 2018 by merrmeade

[Just a Guy]

Hi Merrmeade,, as usual you are spot on. However, in my defence I have to say that I was making a point about her hurting her husband's feelings and openly disrespecting him. In fact I had initially thought of using the word promiscuous instead of flirty to describe her behaviour but subsequently restrained myself to using a milder term for the sake of being polite on a forum like this to avoid being unnecessarily rude or provocative. I guess most people who have read through her thread would know exactly what 'flirty' meant in the context that it was used. But thank you for pointing out the danger of a wrong interpretation by folks on here.

 

By the way, since you looked it up, what is 'twerking'? I have'nt the foggiest! Thanks.