I want a divorce & I feel selfish!

[alsudduth]

I understand where you are coming from, OP. I have a book to recommend to you. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"

 

When I was questioning these same things about my marriage, my counselor suggested this book. It was quite eye opening.

 

I did end up deciding to stay (We DO have children, and our story is not exactly the same as yours), but I found the book to be a really good one along my journey.

 

Good Luck...I do agree that you deserve to be happy as does your wife, and with only one life to live - you need to $!#% or get off the pot.

[whichwayisup]

I've only read your opening post, but here it goes. You say you're depressed, so get to counseling and go on meds. DO marriage counseling with your wife. To throw away 18 years of marriage without even trying to fix it or to try to reconnect with your wife is a real shame. Do you remember what it was that made you fall in love with her? You two have a history. Are you truly willing to throw it all away without giving you (and her) a chance to see if things can get better?

[Unhappy_Nerd]

I understand where you are coming from, OP. I have a book to recommend to you. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"

 

When I was questioning these same things about my marriage, my counselor suggested this book. It was quite eye opening.

 

I did end up deciding to stay (We DO have children, and our story is not exactly the same as yours), but I found the book to be a really good one along my journey.

 

Good Luck...I do agree that you deserve to be happy as does your wife, and with only one life to live - you need to $!#% or get off the pot.

 

Thanks for the suggestion. Just pulled it down on Audible to listen to while working today...

[unit1]

So from the beginning u didn't really love her very much, just jumped into this marriage after breaking up with high school sweetheart?

if so, it is understandable......

 

if not so, then seek counselling for remedy.

[MidlifeMama]

1.) I'm not sure this is possible, tbh. But at this point, I've just accepted the guilt as part of the deal. I'm talking to my therapist and dealing with it.

 

2.) There's a few points here. Yes, I'm an accountant - and so is she. We're well aware of the financial impacts.

 

As to what I want as a single person, I am not entirely sure- besides being able to chart my own path, and do the things that I've wanted to do for years that the spouse never approved of.

 

I am certainly not looking to marry again- and if I do, it won't be for a long time. I can't have children- was snipped when I was 21, and frankly I've never had the desire for any.

 

A few people have pointed out that this just looks like a midlife crisis- and maybe it is, in a way. But I've felt like this since my 20's. I should have ended it a long time ago, but never had the courage to drive out of the rut.

I totally understand your entire dilemma! I applaud you for being honest and trying to understand your guilt behind wanting a divorce. Sometimes the reasons when we are younger that drive us to marry a particular person change with time and growth. We may realize that we are opposites in too many ways and that the connection isn't really there but we are programmed or it's just a part of our personality to not hurt others.

Why is it that divorce is so frowned upon? It's painful, it's sad and scary but it's rare that people marry and except and hold onto the same person for their entire lives.

It isn't an easy decision to hurt someone we care about. You can try and try and stay and still feel lonely and want out. I have been trying for at least the last 9 years of my almost 25 year marriage to stuff my feelings of wanting a divorce. We do have children, though grown, it still pains me to break up the family.

You have ripped off the band-aide, go for it. In time you both will heal and I am hoping you find a fulfilling life in your next part of it.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

[/b]

It isn't an easy decision to hurt someone we care about. You can try and try and stay and still feel lonely and want out. I have been trying for at least the last 9 years of my almost 25 year marriage to stuff my feelings of wanting a divorce. We do have children, though grown, it still pains me to break up the family.

 

It is a hard thing, and I hope you can come to a point where you can make the right decision for you.

 

 

UPDATE on my situation:

My STBX and I have been talking amicably. She still cares about me, even after I asked for a divorce...but now that she knows how I feel about things, and we've talked about how she's felt all these years, she's also in the pro-divorce camp as well.

 

So now it's just details. The only real wrinkles right now are that most of the liabilities are in my name, and not hers. Plus it's tax season, so finding time to pack, find an apartment, and move is going to be challenging...

 

I'm not feeling the guilt anymore, but I do feel sad about the whole thing. I wish I'd talked to her about all of my issues 15 years ago. That I'd had the courage to confront my feelings back then. All the regrets...

[alsudduth]

It is a hard thing, and I hope you can come to a point where you can make the right decision for you.

 

 

UPDATE on my situation:

My STBX and I have been talking amicably. She still cares about me, even after I asked for a divorce...but now that she knows how I feel about things, and we've talked about how she's felt all these years, she's also in the pro-divorce camp as well.

 

So now it's just details. The only real wrinkles right now are that most of the liabilities are in my name, and not hers. Plus it's tax season, so finding time to pack, find an apartment, and move is going to be challenging...

 

I'm not feeling the guilt anymore, but I do feel sad about the whole thing. I wish I'd talked to her about all of my issues 15 years ago. That I'd had the courage to confront my feelings back then. All the regrets...

 

It's amazing what honest communication can accomplish. As sad as it is that things are ending for you guys, it sounds like it will be for the best for both of you. Good Luck!

[Happy Lemming]

UPDATE on my situation:

 

So now it's just details. The only real wrinkles right now are that most of the liabilities are in my name, and not hers. Plus it's tax season, so finding time to pack, find an apartment, and move is going to be challenging...

 

I'm not feeling the guilt anymore, but I do feel sad about the whole thing. I wish I'd talked to her about all of my issues 15 years ago. That I'd had the courage to confront my feelings back then. All the regrets...

 

If I could offer a suggestion, try to get a month to month lease on an apartment, for several reasons. First, you don't have time to fully research areas, apartments, etc. in the middle of tax time. Second your head is up in the air and committing to a one year lease may not be the best decision, at this point. Third, you don't know how all of the finances are going to shake out (liabilities in your name), you may need or want to move again after the details start to get hammered out. Worse case scenario, you are only on the hook for 30 days rent.

 

Moving is not that bad, just do it box by box and it gets done. Don't go crazy trying to buy all new furniture right away, just get the bare minimum. Maybe IKEA, I like their stuff because its inexpensive and I can break it down and move, easily. You may want to be nomadic after the divorce and live in different states.

 

Of course you are going to be sad, but that will pass. Your new life is will be yours and without "curfews"!! Think about all the new opportunities that will be at your feet. Make a list of all the adventures you want to do, but couldn't because your wife wouldn't let you because it violated your curfew.

 

You can't beat yourself up for past mistakes (the 15 years, you mentioned). Time has passed, but don't waste any more time. You are starting that new chapter in your life, with a brand new fresh page to write on!! You only get one life, and that one life has a limited amount of time on this Earth. Don't waste any more!!

 

Look I can only speak for myself, but I LOVE being single.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Happy Lemming
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[ZoeyLane]

I didn't read all the responses....

 

but wow, if I were you I would be out of there ASAP! Seriously, you have no children, both of you are financially independent... what are you waiting for?!?! Go live your life the way you want to!!!!

 

I am considering divorce currently so I am lurking on here, but the only thing that is making me stop and reconsider is my 2 year old son.

 

If he weren't in the picture, there would be no question in my mind.

 

Be thankful you don't have kids together, and make a clean break!

[Unhappy_Nerd]

I didn't read all the responses....

 

but wow, if I were you I would be out of there ASAP! Seriously, you have no children, both of you are financially independent... what are you waiting for?!?! Go live your life the way you want to!!!!

 

I am considering divorce currently so I am lurking on here, but the only thing that is making me stop and reconsider is my 2 year old son.

 

If he weren't in the picture, there would be no question in my mind.

 

Be thankful you don't have kids together, and make a clean break!

 

 

Yeah, well cowardice is a rough thing sometimes. lol.

 

It may be a day late and a dollar short, but at least I'm making progress now.

[wheresthelove]

Hi all. First post...lurked for a while without registering.

 

 

I've been married 18 years. My wife is a wonderful sweet person, who has always loved me way more than I loved her. It was originally a rebound relationship after breaking up with my high school sweetheart at the age of 19...but I was young, stupid, inexperienced, and really had no idea what I was doing, and somehow stumbled into marriage. Hell, I didn't know what a rebound was at that point. We do NOT have children.

 

 

I have a ton of resentments and regrets. I wish I'd had the courage to end this all years ago...but she's so sweet that I just don't want to hurt her and can't bring myself to do it. I talked about a divorce with her about 6 years ago...but then her mother passed away unexpectedly, and I didn't have the heart to follow through. Instead I agreed to some marriage counseling, and just bottled everything up...

 

 

So now, it's been 18 years of marriage, and I just don't want to do this anymore. I care for her, like a close friend, but that's really it. She knows that I'm depressed, and having problems being intimate. I'm just not attracted to her in that way at all, and sex is just a chore. She keeps trying to attribute my unhappiness to my work - I'm a tax accountant, and while my job can suck at times and I'm unhappy in my current position, I'm 99% sure it's my home life that is causing my depression.

 

 

Earlier this week, I was visibly depressed, and she suggested that I call one of my old buddies up for a chat. I thought that was a great idea, so once she went to bed I stayed up and called my friend, and we talked for a couple of hours about my relationship problems. Including my desire for a divorce. He advised that I write her a letter so that I could get all of my thoughts in one place before trying to discuss any of this with her.

 

 

So here's the twist...MY WIFE WAS EAVESDROPPING. She had woken up, and gone to the closet medicine cabinet just outside of the room where I was on the phone to grab some decongestant. She heard a good deal of my side of the conversation...I'm still not exactly sure what...told me that she didn't mean to eavesdrop- and I believe that it wasn't intentional...but the damage was done. She knew I wanted a divorce, but I wasn't able to frame the subject with her at all.

 

 

So now, like a [] idiot, I agreed to talk to a counselor again because I evidently don't have a [] spine. I'm absolutely terrible at verbalizing my feelings. My memory for conversations is just crap- I'm a visual learner, I need to read it to remember it- so whenever I'm trying to talk about how I feel, she comes up with a ton of counter-examples and generally makes me feel like my feelings are invalid.

 

 

I've been avoiding her all week...I've been too cowardly to just man up and end it. We don't have kids. She's an accountant too, and is perfectly capable of supporting herself...so it's mostly a matter of details. But I feel so guilty for putting my happiness above hers...

 

I am posting for the first times tonight and seeing that so many people are in a similar situation as myself. I've been toying with the idea of divorce for over six years now. My husband and I have been married for ten. It was ok at first and shortly after, things took a nosedive. My first husband passed away in a car accident and my now husband can't get over how much I loved him. We married (8 months) after his accident. I've never been alone and scared of the idea of it and other times I am not.

My advice to you, I could also say to myself. Just be honest with yourself first and then say it straight. She's going to be hurt, but I think it's better to separate first instead of divorce. I think! I am about to find out very soon.

[MidlifeMama]

I am posting for the first times tonight and seeing that so many people are in a similar situation as myself. I've been toying with the idea of divorce for over six years now. My husband and I have been married for ten. It was ok at first and shortly after, things took a nosedive. My first husband passed away in a car accident and my now husband can't get over how much I loved him. We married (8 months) after his accident. I've never been alone and scared of the idea of it and other times I am not.

My advice to you, I could also say to myself. Just be honest with yourself first and then say it straight. She's going to be hurt, but I think it's better to separate first instead of divorce. I think! I am about to find out very soon.

 

I can relate to this! I am also considering separation. Maybe then it will give all an adjustment period, plus my daughter is planning a wedding and I would want to move to another state. It's all so hard deciding. One thing I read...If you stay you know what you have and are in for. If you go, it's unknown but the possibilities are endless. The guilt and pain, par for the course but do get better with time, as most things.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

Hey all,

 

Just a happy little update. I was notified that my divorce was finalized today.

 

We're both moving on with our lives...at least, I am. I presume that she is as well- we haven't spoken since March. My ex decided she wants no contact from me, so I'm only to contact her through her lawyer, which is a pain in the butt...but if she wants to pay for that service so be it.

 

Things are mostly wrapped up, though we still have a couple of financial ties that still need to be severed - refinancing debt & the house to the proper parties, that sort of thing.

 

Total time from separation to final divorce decree was 140 days.

 

We more or less used the agreement that I'd discussed with her in the beginning. I took a bit of a bath - she got the house (and most of the contents), and the newer car (along with the associated debt), and the contents of our meager savings account. I got my freedom, my older car (paid off), my personal possessions, and all of our accrued credit card debt (about $26,000 in total). Once you consider each of our remaining student loan amounts, the debt service we each have is about equal, not counting the mortgage.

 

Anyway, time to move along.

[bathtub-row]

Congratulations!!

 

I know it’s not something to party about but you did a good thing. Now both of you can move on with your lives. She probably doesn’t realize it but you did her a favor. You did both of you a favor.

 

The money stuff stinks. It seems to have come out lopsided but why belabor it? I’m glad you took this step. It’ll feel surreal for awhile but you’ll get your rhythm back. Best wishes!

[Unhappy_Nerd]

Congratulations!!

 

I know it’s not something to party about but you did a good thing. Now both of you can move on with your lives. She probably doesn’t realize it but you did her a favor. You did both of you a favor.

 

The money stuff stinks. It seems to have come out lopsided but why belabor it? I’m glad you took this step. It’ll feel surreal for awhile but you’ll get your rhythm back. Best wishes!

 

Thank you.

 

I definitely think we're both be better off this way, and I think she'll realize it eventually. And yeah, it the settlement was a bit lopsided, but I agreed to make some concessions early on due to the guilt I felt over asking for a divorce. I don't regret it- I got what I needed, and frankly I'm happier knowing that she has deep enough resources to avoid any financial issues.

 

I wanted this to be as amicable as possible, and I'm not entirely happy that she wanted to cut contact completely, but It's probably better for her this way, even if it does make arranging the financial dispositions a bit more difficult.

[bathtub-row]

I’ve done the guilt thing before. It’s not the best place to come from when making decisions but not always something to get yourself in a knot about, either.

 

As far as cutting you out of her life, I think she’s just playing a game with you. Let the dust settle, see what she does.

 

I’m sure you’ll do fine and now you can sit back and think about what you want. Just expect that it may take a little time to find your center, but you will.

[S2B]

Congrats!

 

Now you are free to be happy and healthy all on your own!

 

Participate in some hobbies and interests! Enjoy life!!