I want a divorce & I feel selfish!

[Happy Lemming]

Sure, for the liquid assets, I'm more concerned about who is responsible for which liabilities.

 

Student loans are easy. CC's can be split. But car payments & mortgage are a little bit more of a negotiation.

 

That's all. And as I said, the mechanics are easy, it's getting her to agree to stuff that may be difficult. We'll see I guess...

 

Wouldn't you receive assistance from the counselor/therapist that suggested the trial separation?? I'm sure they have a guide??

 

How long of a seperation is the counselor/therapist suggesting?? What is the customary and usual time frame for a trial separation?? I imagine none of these decisions about cars and loans are permanent, are they??

 

I was working with a husband/wife team who were investors for a company I worked for. They broke up and what was decided at separation was not what was in the final divorce decree.

 

I'm not an attorney, so "your mileage may vary" in your state.

[BluEyeL]

She will be sad at first, but maybe she'll be happier after. It's no fun to live with someone constantly depressed. So I think you should get a divorce.

 

She may find someone else who will love and like her, be attracted to her etc. I lived with a negative spouse and it darkens your doorstep. I wasn't happy when we broke up but years later, I'm much better off. The mood started to get high about 6 months after. Somebody always complaining, always unhappy is pretty draining. So you may be doing her a favor.

 

I think you'll still be depressed though, after the intial high.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

She will be sad at first, but maybe she'll be happier after. It's no fun to live with someone constantly depressed. So I think you should get a divorce.

 

She may find someone else who will love and like her, be attracted to her etc. I lived with a negative spouse and it darkens your doorstep. I wasn't happy when we broke up but years later, I'm much better off. The mood started to get high about 6 months after. Somebody always complaining, always unhappy is pretty draining. So you may be doing her a favor.

 

I think you'll still be depressed though, after the intial high.

 

 

Yeah, I think she'd be better off without me as well...And maybe it won't make me happy...who knows. Meh.

[Mrs. Miserable]

I’m in a similar situation except we have a 17 yo son. My husband isn’t a bad person; I’m just unhappy. He wants to blame outside situations on my unhappiness. I feel extremely guilty and selfish. I also stupidly agreed to counseling knowing good and well I’m done. No advice for you, just empathy. Good luck to you.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

I’m in a similar situation except we have a 17 yo son. My husband isn’t a bad person; I’m just unhappy. He wants to blame outside situations on my unhappiness. I feel extremely guilty and selfish. I also stupidly agreed to counseling knowing good and well I’m done. No advice for you, just empathy. Good luck to you.

 

Thank you for the empathy. And I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation.

 

 

We talked about the trial separation last night, and basically said screw it, lets get this done. So the plan is to maintain counseling until the end of Feb, and hopefully just move on with our separate lives in March. Band-aid has been ripped away...

 

@Happy Lemming- after everything was said, I felt a ton better. A weight has been lifted. We'll see how long that lasts.

[standtall]

I don't believe in any gods. We have one lifetime, so why suffer?

 

Nice attempt at dividing the point? Okay, I'll give it to you simply so it's easier. What about the rest of the oath and the signed contract?

 

There are some that would say it's better to live ones life with honor and integrity...still that pesky oath and contract.

Edited January 20, 2018 by standtall

[Unhappy_Nerd]

Nice attempt at dividing the point? Okay, I'll give it to you simply so it's easier. What about the rest of the oath and the signed contract?

 

There are some that would say it's better to live ones life with honor and integrity...still that pesky oath and contract.

 

Honor has no place in our society, contracts can be broken, and oaths can be set aside. People change man.

 

[]

Edited January 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
New member review - language

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Honor has no place in our society

 

What do you mean by this?

[Unhappy_Nerd]

What do you mean by this?

 

Egalitarianism and honor cannot coexist; Honor cannot exist in a society that allows anonymity; and Honor cannot exist when one no longer cares about shame.

 

Our society not only lacks a code of honor, but actively exploits those that try to live by one.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Egalitarianism and honor cannot coexist;

Why not?

Honor cannot exist in a society that allows anonymity;

Why not?

Honor cannot exist when one no longer cares about shame

OK, this I kinda get.

 

Our society not only lacks a code of honor, but actively exploits those that try to live by one.

Well, that's true.

Edited January 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Repair quote formatting and redact political commentary

[Unhappy_Nerd]

First. Egalitarianism requires that all people be treated the same. Honor divides people into two groups- those that are honorable, and those that aren't.

 

The two are concepts are mutually exclusive. You cannot profess to be egalitarian while simultaneously holding some people up, and shaming others.

 

Secondly, anonymity is also mutually exclusive to honor. To have honor, one's deeds must be known. If you are anonymous, your deeds and misdeeds will never be known. Our society believes in a right to privacy and anonymity.

 

Third, the shame of dishonor must have bite if it is to mean anything at all. Since society doesn't care about your honor, being dishonorable means literally nothing.

 

[]

 

The only places where honor still exists in our society are within our Warrior Caste- the military, and to a much lesser extent, the police and investigative agencies.

 

 

...but this is way off topic.

Edited January 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to redacted content deleted

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you for explaining, UH. But, yes, back to the topic .

[Unhappy_Nerd]

I'm just glad the worst appears to be over. Decision made. No going back.

 

All that's left is to work out the details.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

I’m in a similar situation

 

I'll offer the other end of the spectrum to you and Nerd...I was your spouses.

 

My wife was always unhappy, I was a good man (flowers, never cheated, respectful, vivacious sexual appetite, blah-blah-blah) but she was always drawn away from me. I noticed this, but instead of picking my head up like a "real man" and walking away I tried EXTRA hard to make her happy... all it did was push her away more and made her realize that I was not the one for her i.e. "he is amazing to me, loves me, but I still don't want him". Which I believe led to the end of our relationship even faster.

 

Now the good news for all of us.. my wife leaving me was the best thing that happened to me!! I'm dating a woman now who worships the ground I walk on (and me her). I don't need to live with a woman I'm constantly trying to convince, impress, walking on eggshells, who's constantly unhappy, which also made me feel like something was wrong with me.

 

Might not seem like it now but you're doing both you and your STBX's a favor, they can now find someone who cares for them and desires them the way they deserve.

[bachdude]

Well, it sounds like you’ve made up your mind but nothing you have said here is too difficult to sort out.

 

My wife was very clingy, needy, anxious, gave me curfews, etc. etc. and she worked on herself and life is SO much better.

 

You admit she is sweet and loving, even loving you more than you love her. You say you have been lurking around LS for a while. Have you seen the stories on here? A devote wife who loves you? Careful what you throw away.

 

You have yourself in a tizzy but the whole thing was preventable and is quite fixable. Your frustration is directed at her but she didn’t make you bend to her will. You agreed. The entire situation is as much your doing as it is hers. You caused your own unhappiness by not setting boundaries.

 

You are not running away from her so much as you are attempting to run away from yourself.

[burnt]

It's unfortunate and very sad for your wife. She has dedicated 18 years of her life to you and especially since she doesn't have children, I'd imagine that her "love" is mostly centered around you. For most women, once they have children their life's purpose gets re-centered around their children, but for childless women, it's often their lovers/partners and family/friends.

 

She would be devastated. No doubt about it.

 

But on the flip side, as you stated, you never were really in love with her. She was a rebound that lasted a whole long 18 years. So the question is for how long can you keep it up? Another 20 years? 30? 40? Your unhappiness will only grow and it's not possible for a woman to truly be happy when she is living with a man who simply can't be in love with her.

 

So you agreed to see a counselor. Is it individual or marriage?

 

Perhaps you can see the counselor and tell him your dilemma and get guidance about how to tell your wife gently to reduce the pain as best possible.

 

Marriage is a contract between TWO people who want to be in it together.

You don't.

 

No matter how much she may love you, she cannot make you love her the way she wants.

 

My heart breaks thinking about the pain she will feel, but what you have is not a marriage.

 

I am sorry.

For both of you. It is so unfortunate.

[jjgitties]

Egalitarianism and honor cannot coexist; Honor cannot exist in a society that allows anonymity; and Honor cannot exist when one no longer cares about shame.

 

Our society not only lacks a code of honor, but actively exploits those that try to live by one.

 

Speak for yourself. I try to live my life based on a honor code. You know what it is, I got it from a Rabbi once. He said, "Most people you meet in life are all good people. Its just that some people sometimes do the wrong thing even when they know what the right thing is to do. But you are not God so you can't judge them".

 

Anyways long story short. I live by the Spike Lee honor code. "Do the Right Thing" Thats all you need to know to understand what it is. The "right" thing and you know deep down what is the right and wrong thing to do, and its your choice which one you chose to do. But if you are decent human, you should try to lean more towards "do the right thing!" and not the wrong thing.

 

Now back to your marriage.

 

Do the right thing! In your case, you need to decide what is the "right" thing for "you" to do for "yourself". But what I would advise you to do is do a little soul searching and digging and figure out if your unhappiness is coming from within you and not from your wife or your marriage. 'Cause if the unhappiness is coming from within you, then you leaving your wife is not going to make that go away. All you will be is continue to be a person whose unhappiness is seeping out from within him, except you will have no wife and no marriage. And I can tell you, if your wife is a good woman, a good man will pick her up for himself. If you read these forums, there are lots of stories of people in marriages and relationships with some really messed up individuals. Druggies, alcoholics, serial cheaters, serial liars.. and they are trying to figure out how to get out of them. ;-)

[standtall]

Honor has no place in our society, contracts can be broken, and oaths can be set aside. People change man.

[]

 

 

 

You asked. You have to deal with it if you don't like the answer. We all have differences of opinions,

 

Why bother swearing an oath and signing a contract when you have no intentions of keeping them?

 

 

 

I repeat..the problem lies with you. Your responses prove the point.

Edited January 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote edited

[William]

Good morning,

 

Four things this morning...

 

1. Off-topic content. We understand topics stray sometimes but we have a political forum for discussing politics.

 

2. Formatting. When quoting other member's posts, please use our quote feature for each passage quoted. Do not quote the whole post and intersperse responses into the quote. This is hard to read and makes quoting of those responses difficult.

 

3. Language. The thread starter is on moderation for repetitive language abuse as a new member so this is a reminder to all members to read our language policies linked through an announcement at the top of every forum on LoveShack.org.

 

4. If wishing to debate site policies or the actions of moderation, do it privately. PM or 'alert us'. That member got banned. We don't abide that kind of behavior here.

 

Now back to the topic of wanting a divorce and feeling selfish about that!

Edited January 21, 2018 by William
Edit for spelling and add content

[Gr8fuln2020]

It's marriage...it has ups and downs. Remember the in sickness and in health part.... For better and for worse? Ring a bell? You most likely swore an oath to God and your wife in front of friends and family...honor it.

 

So simplistic and so dangerous at times.

 

It is common knowledge that so-called Christian, traditional relationships are as loveless as those that are not. Even the bible provides terms for divorce. Studies have shown that many traditional marriages, the Leave it to Beaver-esque marriages were oftentimes facades and embroiled in lovelessness, abuse and isolation.

 

With that, I am a firm believer in the institution of marriage and the vows that come with them, but there are times when safety, happiness, etc. must prevail over promises that depend entirely on human nature, circumstances and dynamics that one has little or no control over. I am often sad to say, this includes guidance from a deity that seems more absent then present. Just my opinion.

 

IT IS NEVER THAT SIMPLE.

[standtall]

So simplistic and so dangerous at times.

 

It is common knowledge that so-called Christian, traditional relationships are as loveless as those that are not. Even the bible provides terms for divorce. Studies have shown that many traditional marriages, the Leave it to Beaver-esque marriages were oftentimes facades and embroiled in lovelessness, abuse and isolation.

 

With that, I am a firm believer in the institution of marriage and the vows that come with them, but there are times when safety, happiness, etc. must prevail over promises that depend entirely on human nature, circumstances and dynamics that one has little or no control over. I am often sad to say, this includes guidance from a deity that seems more absent then present. Just my opinion.

 

IT IS NEVER THAT SIMPLE.

 

Your missing the point, just skip the God part then....there is still still a sworn oath and signed contract. It is up to you to make an effort to stay married. IMHO, being bored and annoyed with your spouse is an unacceptable reason to get divorced. You make it work.

[dichotomy]

1) Before you divorce her - start living and acting the way you want in this life of yours and your marriage. She can divorce YOU if she does not like the new you. Will take the guilt of being selfish off you.

 

2) Think very very clearly what you want being single - and realistically picture what you can achieve and what life you will have. You are an accountant so certainly you can understand the money affect of the divorce. If you have aspirations on romance and sex as a single guy - do some realistic thinking on that as well. Second marriage in the future? kids - step kids?

Edited January 22, 2018 by dichotomy

[Unhappy_Nerd]

1) Before you divorce her - start living and acting the way you want in this life of yours and your marriage. She can divorce YOU if she does not like the new you. Will take the guilt of being selfish off you.

 

2) Think very very clearly what you want being single - and realistically picture what you can achieve and what life you will have. You are an accountant so certainly you can understand the money affect of the divorce. If you have aspirations on romance and sex as a single guy - do some realistic thinking on that as well. Second marriage in the future? kids - step kids?

 

 

1.) I'm not sure this is possible, tbh. But at this point, I've just accepted the guilt as part of the deal. I'm talking to my therapist and dealing with it.

 

2.) There's a few points here. Yes, I'm an accountant - and so is she. We're well aware of the financial impacts.

 

As to what I want as a single person, I am not entirely sure- besides being able to chart my own path, and do the things that I've wanted to do for years that the spouse never approved of.

 

I am certainly not looking to marry again- and if I do, it won't be for a long time. I can't have children- was snipped when I was 21, and frankly I've never had the desire for any.

 

A few people have pointed out that this just looks like a midlife crisis- and maybe it is, in a way. But I've felt like this since my 20's. I should have ended it a long time ago, but never had the courage to drive out of the rut.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Your missing the point, just skip the God part then....there is still still a sworn oath and signed contract. It is up to you to make an effort to stay married. IMHO, being bored and annoyed with your spouse is an unacceptable reason to get divorced. You make it work.

 

Yes, when you put it that way, yes, I agree.

[frigginlost]

 

Do the right thing! In your case, you need to decide what is the "right" thing for "you" to do for "yourself". But what I would advise you to do is do a little soul searching and digging and figure out if your unhappiness is coming from within you and not from your wife or your marriage. 'Cause if the unhappiness is coming from within you, then you leaving your wife is not going to make that go away. All you will be is continue to be a person whose unhappiness is seeping out from within him, except you will have no wife and no marriage. And I can tell you, if your wife is a good woman, a good man will pick her up for himself. If you read these forums, there are lots of stories of people in marriages and relationships with some really messed up individuals. Druggies, alcoholics, serial cheaters, serial liars.. and they are trying to figure out how to get out of them. ;-)

 

Read the above words a whole bunch of times, because it is absolutely spot on. Always do the right thing for you, but be very, very, sure what that "right" thing is. With marriage on the line, now is not the time to not look under every upturned stone.

 

If after some very deep reflection within yourself you still think it is the right thing to do, then take heed of the advice from others on how to do it. Yes, you will destroy your wife, but how long that destroyed part of her takes to heal is somewhat on your shoulders as well...