Dating multiple people

[central]

All the more reason to focus on actually genuinely understanding one person at a time then, no? Otherwise by the time you've figured out the fake ones, the potentially genuine ones have already dropped off the radar.

It's much easier to read people if you're not also trying to read a bunch of others.[/quote

 

I'd say this is correct, which completely negates your argument. If you're dating both, then the genuine one will still be around. If you focus on the flake/fake, you'll miss out on dating the genuine prospect - they'll probably have been found by someone else while you're wasting your time.

 

I'd also say it IS easier to read people if you have other people to compare, who are in a similar situation - i.e., dating both. It will be clearer, faster, who's the better prospect.

[Andy_K]

ahh no Andy_K. Women choose who they will go out with.

 

Yes, but that's not my point and you know it! A guy wants to multi-date, he asks out 10 girls, gets 3 dates. If he wants to date one, he asks one out, moves on to the next if she says no, and stops after a yes.

 

A girl wants to multi-date, she just says yes to the next few guys she likes who ask. She wants to single-date, she says yes to one and has to say no to the others.

[Andy_K]

you'll miss out on dating the genuine prospect - they'll probably have been found by someone else while you're wasting your time.

 

Maybe, maybe not. Here are two possibilities as seen from the PoV of the genuine prospect:

 

You chat to someone online. They don't seem too interested in meeting up, but get back to you with more enthusiasm a week or two later.

 

You have one or two dates with someone. Then they seem more quiet/distant, but a week or two later they want to date you again.

 

I don't know about you, but I'd be rather less enthused about being in the second scenario. Realising that someone met you, liked someone else more, and then changed their mind because the other choice didn't work out, is not particularly appealing.

[central]

Maybe, maybe not. Here are two possibilities as seen from the PoV of the genuine prospect:

 

You chat to someone online. They don't seem too interested in meeting up, but get back to you with more enthusiasm a week or two later.

 

You have one or two dates with someone. Then they seem more quiet/distant, but a week or two later they want to date you again.

 

I don't know about you, but I'd be rather less enthused about being in the second scenario. Realising that someone met you, liked someone else more, and then changed their mind because the other choice didn't work out, is not particularly appealing.

 

I see, it's an ego thing.

 

But yes, scenario one is nicer, but I'm okay with scenario two. I believe that most people do not really know what they want in a date/mate, so in scenario two, the person meets someone else who helps define for them what matters more, and they decide that YOU have traits that are a better match (or, maybe they were just dumped! lol), so want to date you more and see.

 

I'm fine with on-again-off-again dating, until we decide to be exclusive or just move on. It's all relative - is this person better for me than that person - along with some baseline limits (deal breakers) that set a minimum standard for whom I'll keep dating. My risk is that they'll choose someone else who is better for them - so, that's a win even for me, because they won't later regret sticking with me. Their risk is that I'll meet someone who is better for me. It's still a win for us both, as I won't dump them later when I realize they aren't a great match.

 

When I DO commit - based on wide-ranging experience - I'm ALL-IN.

Edited January 19, 2018 by central

[MaleIntuition]

I think we might be using slightly different definition on “dating”? This week I had two first meet and greet dates planned. One for wensday and one this evening. Is that multidating?

 

How about texting through an OLD-app with more than one girl? Surely you can’t expect to be exclusive with someone you haven’t even met?

 

For me, honesty is important. I wouldn’t lie. But I really don’t think many girls would start to ask about other girls on a first or second date.

[No_Go]

I absolutely agree it doesn't work if you don't give people your *un*divided attention, and therefore I never multidate. I've used OLD though. I did my statistics recently. On my 3 rounds I've been to 11 first dates. Only 2 (the two from the last round) were within the same week. I was laser focused on guy 1 after our date, so the first date with guy 2 was complete waste of time. I can't even recall what he looked like and we spent few hours together.

 

This makes me think multidating is useless. Except you consider it an acceptable passtime, or feel 'better' because you're putting 'effort' in your dating life. It is identical to sending 200 resumes to feel like you're doing something for your job search. It is disrespectful, inefficient, and rarely works.

[No_Go]

I think we might be using slightly different definition on “dating”? This week I had two first meet and greet dates planned. One for wensday and one this evening. Is that multidating?

 

How about texting through an OLD-app with more than one girl? Surely you can’t expect to be exclusive with someone you haven’t even met?

 

For me, honesty is important. I wouldn’t lie. But I really don’t think many girls would start to ask about other girls on a first or second date.

 

I think the 'dating' begins after first date. Undergrading it do meet-and-greet or however else one wants to call it - doesn't make it less of a date. (Date = 2 people potentially interested in each other spending one-on-one time to explore the potential).

 

So 2 first dates - yep, it's multidating. 2 live chats on a dating app - is not.

[Fair]

I see, it's an ego thing.

 

It's not that black and white. People have emotions. They're not robots. They don't like having their hearts trampled.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I used to think the same way about multi dating until I was played by a few guys when I was OLD. Sex never came into the situation. I am who wants a relationship and my thought was I would be exclusive when I met the right one and that happened to be my current bf. Before I met him though, I met quite a few guys who tried to deceive me. Some of the guys I had amazing couple of dates only for them to ghost me or do something shady. One guy offered a one ended relationship (on his part, not mine) after 3 dates. After this I decided to open myself up to several guys at once, that way if one failed, it didn't matter. Don't bash multi dating, people who do it aren't terrible people, just looking for the best fit.

[Fair]

I used to think the same way about multi dating until I was played by a few guys when I was OLD. Sex never came into the situation. I am who wants a relationship and my thought was I would be exclusive when I met the right one and that happened to be my current bf. Before I met him though' date=' I met quite a few guys who tried to deceive me. Some of the guys I had amazing couple of dates only for them to ghost me or do something shady. One guy offered a one ended relationship (on his part, not mine) after 3 dates. After this I decided to open myself up to several guys at once, that way if one failed, it didn't matter. Don't bash multi dating, people who do it aren't terrible people, just looking for the best fit.[/quote']

 

which leads back to my earlier point about how you get dragged into playing a game you don't initially want to play out of necessity on OLD. That sucks. That really sucks. I don't want to multi date... it's not my thing, it doesn't work, and I never will. And so if OLD is the only place I can find single men then I won't date at all. It's a waste of time.

[Fair]

Maybe, maybe not. Here are two possibilities as seen from the PoV of the genuine prospect:

 

You chat to someone online. They don't seem too interested in meeting up, but get back to you with more enthusiasm a week or two later.

 

You have one or two dates with someone. Then they seem more quiet/distant, but a week or two later they want to date you again.

 

I don't know about you, but I'd be rather less enthused about being in the second scenario. Realising that someone met you, liked someone else more, and then changed their mind because the other choice didn't work out, is not particularly appealing.

 

You obviously have above average intelligence from what I've read of all your posts.

[Calmandfocused]

This thread has hit a raw nerve for me.

 

I met my exH through OLD after "multi dating" loads of different men. He was wonderful when I met him but turned into the most vile person I've ever met as soon as we married. I wish to god I hadn't married him. It took me forever to get rid of him and I deeply regret ever setting eyes on him.

 

I'm now single and happy but can't ever see me venturing down the path of OLD ever again. I'm of the mentality that if the universe wants to present me with someone in the future that's great but I won't do OLD again to find it. I'm not suggesting that everyone who does online dating is severely mentally ill but I'm petrified I'll meet another psychopath and I won't take that chance

[central]

If you don't want to multi-date, then don't. Put in your OLD profile that you do not, and do not date those who do. And before meeting anyone, ask if they are seeing anyone else. Ask again periodically, or watch for signs, and dump them if you suspect they are. That should solve 95% or more of the problem.

 

As I've said before, there are two distinct groups, each comprising about half of all daters, of those who do, and those who don't want to. They both generally have strong opinions on the matter, although multi-daters will date single-daters if the latter is okay with it.

 

Neither group is wrong in what they want or how they date, but someone in the other group may be wrong for you. If it matters a lot, then ask up front - it's your responsibility to set limits by asking, to enforce your own boundaries. It's not someone else's job to read your mind.

[Fair]

If you don't want to multi-date, then don't. Put in your OLD profile that you do not, and do not date those who do. And before meeting anyone, ask if they are seeing anyone else. Ask again periodically, or watch for signs, and dump them if you suspect they are. That should solve 95% or more of the problem.

 

As I've said before, there are two distinct groups, each comprising about half of all daters, of those who do, and those who don't want to. They both generally have strong opinions on the matter, although multi-daters will date single-daters if the latter is okay with it.

 

Neither group is wrong in what they want or how they date, but someone in the other group may be wrong for you. If it matters a lot, then ask up front - it's your responsibility to set limits by asking, to enforce your own boundaries. It's not someone else's job to read your mind.

 

I do ask, I get told what they then know I want to hear, I get my hopes up, then start seeing the signs that they're players.

 

It's like OLD is a good place to go if you want to be emotionally abused until you're so untrusting you need psychotherapy.

[Fair]

This thread has hit a raw nerve for me.

 

I met my exH through OLD after "multi dating" loads of different men. He was wonderful when I met him but turned into the most vile person I've ever met as soon as we married. I wish to god I hadn't married him. It took me forever to get rid of him and I deeply regret ever setting eyes on him.

 

I'm now single and happy but can't ever see me venturing down the path of OLD ever again. I'm of the mentality that if the universe wants to present me with someone in the future that's great but I won't do OLD again to find it. I'm not suggesting that everyone who does online dating is severely mentally ill but I'm petrified I'll meet another psychopath and I won't take that chance

 

You've made a good call. All the other crap that goes on on OLD qualifies as abuse too if you really think about it. It hurts to keep getting played. Even if most of them don't fall under the category of psychopath, there are so many who can't or won't empathize with or respect other human beings.

[newyorker11356]

Another mindless OLD rant.

 

It works and has worked for many people. Lots have found relationships/marriages from it.

 

It doesn't seem to work for YOU. There's a difference.

[Popsicle]

It's not something I do and I wouldn't want to date someone else who's doing it either.

[Fair]

Another mindless OLD rant.

 

It works and has worked for many people. Lots have found relationships/marriages from it.

 

It doesn't seem to work for YOU. There's a difference.

 

It's a 'dating multiple people' rant which just happens to abound on OLD.

[Shining One]

It's interesting how polarizing this topic appears to me. In my case, multi-dating was just a logical choice after I gained some experience on OLD. At first, I dated one woman at a time without caring whether or not she multi-dated. I did not get the results I wanted. I then tried dating one woman at a time and excluded any women who were multi-dating (to the best of my knowledge). Again, I did not get the results I wanted. Finally, I started multi-dating myself. This time, I got the results I wanted. If dating one woman at a time had produced the results I wanted, I would never have tried multi-dating in the first place.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

It's interesting how polarizing this topic appears to me. In my case, multi-dating was just a logical choice after I gained some experience on OLD. At first, I dated one woman at a time without caring whether or not she multi-dated. I did not get the results I wanted. I then tried dating one woman at a time and excluded any women who were multi-dating (to the best of my knowledge). Again, I did not get the results I wanted. Finally, I started multi-dating myself. This time, I got the results I wanted. If dating one woman at a time had produced the results I wanted, I would never have tried multi-dating in the first place.

 

This is the case for me. If there were more honest and open people out there, multi dating wouldn't be necessary. When I 1st started OLD, I fell for a guy who wanted a relationship w/me. He told me he was a one woman type of guy and I agreed to have a long distance w/him after dating a month. Anyways he ended up dumping me cause he wasn't "ready" for a relationship. After meeting him, I didn't want to date anyone else, that felt wrong. You learn as you go, people play games and you gotta sort through that. Same for me, if I met someone dating just one at a time, then good, but I eventually realized I have to leave that mindset behind. Multi dating saved me quite a bit of disappointment and I could have maybe avoided dating a super controlling guy.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Another mindless OLD rant.

 

It works and has worked for many people. Lots have found relationships/marriages from it.

 

It doesn't seem to work for YOU. There's a difference.

 

Agree on this! I met my bf online and couldn't be happier. I will admit, took about half a year of serious OLD before I met him, but it happened.

[Fair]

Just wondering...

 

If someone wanted to meet/take you on a date, and you were suffering from anxiety/panic disorder but you really liked the person and didn't want to throw them off... would you be honest about your anxiety as a reason why you're not ready to meet them?

 

I've got someone now who wants to take me out this weekend!! and I've been struggling with anxiety for a while now... I've known this person over the phone for about a month, and have a relative amount of ease with this person, but I can't drive very far by myself, nor can I do a lot of things yet, including going back to work though I'm getting better all the time, and consider myself 'on the mend'.

 

I don't want to lie and keep giving him made up 'excuses' why I can't meet. Because I don't know how much longer I'll be working through my anxiety, and to keep feeding him another tall tale every weekend because I'm still not quite ready, would no doubt make me look like I'm a flake if I didn't tell him the truth.

 

It's all caused from grief and prolonged stress from when I lost my dad and sister back to back. I told him about how I lost them but not how it's been affecting me, trying to appear fine, hoping I will be fine, soon, and ready to meet him. But by this weekend, when he wants to see me now, I know for sure I won't be ready and have no idea when that time will come, though I'm getting closer all the time to feeling better.

 

Would you tell a potential love interest about something like this? I don't want to scare him away by having him know I'm unwell right now... or is this irrational thinking? Is it better to be honest in this situation or not? How would you react to someone you wanted to date if they suddenly told you about how they're struggling with anxiety right now?

 

Disclaimer: I put this comment in the wrong place.. . it was meant as a new thread.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Fair

[central]

If someone wanted to meet/take you on a date, and you were suffering from anxiety/panic disorder but you really liked the person and didn't want to throw them off... would you be honest about your anxiety as a reason why you're not ready to meet them?

 

I think you should tell them that you suffer from anxiety, and this is a bad time to meet them - but you want to, soon. Otherwise, they may think you (the single-dater) have a better offer and are delaying because of that. They may not care if they're multi-dating, but may be suspicious if they are not. If you meet eventually, they will learn this, and either accept it or not. If you tell them now, they may be willing to give you a chance, whereas otherwise they may wonder what's going on.

[Andy_K]

If someone wanted to meet/take you on a date, and you were suffering from anxiety/panic disorder but you really liked the person and didn't want to throw them off... would you be honest about your anxiety as a reason why you're not ready to meet them?

 

You'll probably have to. If you keep spinning excuses, you'll look super-flaky. Let's put it this way, if you were arranging to meet your parent, sibling or close friend, you wouldn't cancel several times or put it off. You don't want to disrespect them or waste their time. Same courtesy should apply to strangers if you want to make a good impression. If a guy on the receiving end feels he IS having his time wasted or being disrespected, he's not likely to hang around if he's of any quality.

 

There's no guarantee he'll react well to finding out you suffer from anxiety. He may well bail out. But consider if he's a potential partner he'd have to deal with it in some form sooner or later anyway. If it's that big a deal to him, best get rid of him sooner rather than later.

 

And if he' is okay with it, you'll at least know he's got some level of patience and understanding. Or he's multi-dating and doesn't care, one or the other But you'll be able to figure that out from your level of contact