Dating multiple people

[Shining One]

I multi-date (early on) to increase my chances of finding a match. Woman A is not a match for me. Dating her alone is not going to make her into a match. Woman B is a match. If I had dated Woman A alone, I would have missed my opportunity with Woman B. Women tend to not wait around while I evaluate the women I happened to meet before them.

 

It's just an extension of the "dating is a numbers game" concept. Here's how I found my last relationship:

1. Messaged several hundred women on OLD.
   
2. Received a dozen or so positive responses.
   
3. Communicated with those women, had six first dates.
   
4. Went on three second dates and another first date
   
5. Went on two third dates and a second date.
   
6. Started seeing the woman from the last second date exclusively.
   
7. Started relationship with that woman.
   

Contrary to your belief OP, I have not been looking for anyone "better" since we became exclusive.

[Maggie4]

OP, you need to just stop doing online dating if it doesn't work for you.

 

Courtship has never been made easy. There has always been, in human history of courtship, scenarios of more than two people at a time... Wuthering Heights...Twelth Night... My parents back in the 50's. It's normal but pretty rough on those rejected. You will still see "multidating" without the internet.

[SmartDude]

Personally I find multi-dating to be wonderful. It ensures that I will always be meeting new women and don't fall into the trap of ending up in a long term monogamous relationship..or even worse MARRIAGE*gasp horror*.

[Frostedflake]

pleasing one woman at a time is hard enough let alone 3 or 4 or 5

 

Hard to admit but very true.

 

People forget that when you serial date (talking nonexclusive, not cheating) you're probably lowering the quality of your interactions. You ask 5 or 6 women about their hobbies and you probably only pick up on one subject for each of them, if that. Between work and other things, no- you aren't going to have a date every day of the week with all these girls.

 

People wonder why they're failing at dating apps. I find it's because they've fallen into safe conversations because they've taken on too much at once and can't carry it all forward without getting their hands tied.

[central]

My own experience is that OLD and multi-dating (when I had the option) was very effective. It helped that I was mid-40s when I got into it. I think a lot of guys don't put the effort into writing a good profile and getting flattering photos. Good photos absolutely create the first interest, and women do tend to read profiles more than men do, so it matters to think and write carefully. Attitude comes through in what you write, so it's good to have a female friend or relative review it.

 

Average guys do attract average women, usually. Sure, everyone tries to date out of their weight class at first, but most figure out that they won't do better than they'd do in person. However, while in-person is often faster to make a connection, there are far fewer people with whom you could make a connection. That's why OLD works so well. But, if you don't photograph well, don't write reasonably well, or don't have a job, a car, and your own place, it will be a lot harder to attract someone.

 

Young women (less than 40) have control and power - they're in greatest demand. Around 45, the power shifts to men, as there are fewer good men who aren't taken than there are good women looking. At that point, men have more options, and can be pickier. Women begin to lament that there are no good men left! They're there, but not enough to go around. lol

[littleblackheart]

The idea of dating one person is already exhausting to me, let alone more. That said, it looks like multi-dating is a perfect fit for the society we live in currently.

 

When before life was perhaps more regimented and prescribed (by religion, tighter communities, family pressures, finances), now we are freer to make our own choices / left to own devises to find a suitable partner, or to not bother at all. If people want to multi-date or think that's what it takes to find someone and they are upfront about it (which I assume is the crux of the matter) , then the world is their oyster.

[Fair]

OP, you need to just stop doing online dating if it doesn't work for you.

 

Courtship has never been made easy. There has always been, in human history of courtship, scenarios of more than two people at a time... Wuthering Heights...Twelth Night... My parents back in the 50's. It's normal but pretty rough on those rejected. You will still see "multidating" without the internet.

 

There was no such concept as multi dating esp. back in the straight laced 50's. It was called cheating if you were dating more than one at the same time. No, courtship has never been easy but in my opinion OLD has made it harder yet.

 

This is what people don't get, you can still date as many people as you want to these days. To NOT multi-date would not be holding you back. It's just that people can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that you can still see a lot of people until you find the right one, without seeing them ALL at the same time!!

 

Besides, what about disease? You really want to be with a guy when you don't know where or with how many people it's been? that's just lunacy!

[Fair]

The idea of dating one person is already exhausting to me, let alone more. That said, it looks like multi-dating is a perfect fit for the society we live in currently.

 

When before life was perhaps more regimented and prescribed (by religion, tighter communities, family pressures, finances), now we are freer to make our own choices / left to own devises to find a suitable partner, or to not bother at all. If people want to multi-date or think that's what it takes to find someone and they are upfront about it (which I assume is the crux of the matter) , then the world is their oyster.

 

But they're NOT upfront about it. They ghost, they lie, they sneak around... because most people are not as accepting about someone they like seeing multiple people besides themselves. So there's still all these games being played and people getting hurt, more quickly and by more people than ever before.

[alphamale]

call me naïve but most of the women I've met do NOT want to play second fiddle to some other woman

[Fair]

I don't multi-date. I think it is unfair to everyone involved, including yourself. IMO, you aren't really getting to know person A when you have a date lined up with person B for tomorrow, and you are thinking about person C while you are on a date with person A. Now, I will talk to multiple women prior to dating them, just to determine which woman I think I would like to get to know better on a romantic level. Once I do, she can rest assured that I will date her and only her until things work out between her and I. One way or another.

 

I really don't think most people are gonna be cool with a multi-dater. I mean, how would you feel if you are on a date with someone, considering a serious commitment with that person, just to find out that they just hooked up with someone else last night? You can repeat the mantra about not being exclusive all you like, but it still sucks.

 

Exactly. Excellent post.

[Woggle]

It's not my cup of tea but people will still do it. I just think that people should be honest about it.

[Cookiesandough]

nvm nothing sry

Edited January 19, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[littleblackheart]

But they're NOT upfront about it. They ghost, they lie, they sneak around... because most people are not as accepting about someone they like seeing multiple people besides themselves. So there's still all these games being played and people getting hurt, more quickly and by more people than ever before.

 

Well, if they're not upfront about it I can see where this may lead to heartache. It's all academic to me as I've never dated nor do I plan on it, so I already know multi-dating is way out of my comfort zone.

[Shining One]

I'm curious as to what advice those who are against multi-dating would give to those of us who have found success multi-dating? Would you advise us to deliberately choose an approach that has not proven as successful for us in the past?

[Andy_K]

I'm curious as to what advice those who are against multi-dating would give to those of us who have found success multi-dating? Would you advise us to deliberately choose an approach that has not proven as successful for us in the past?

 

Perhaps. Because it's not all about you. As enigma32 said:

 

I really don't think most people are gonna be cool with a multi-dater. I mean, how would you feel if you are on a date with someone, considering a serious commitment with that person, just to find out that they just hooked up with someone else last night? You can repeat the mantra about not being exclusive all you like, but it still sucks.

 

I mean... you don't really owe someone anything after a few dates, but still. Treating others the way you'd like to be treated is still worth something. It's no fun to find out someone you thought you had a great connection with thinks they've got a better connection with someone else. The more you multi-date, the more people you're disappointing for no other reason than someone else made a better first impression.

 

I guess the question you have to ask yourself, is that if your potential dates knew exactly how many other people you'd been dating or sleeping with and when, would they think any differently of you? And if the answer is 'yes', you already know you're crossing a line, whether you admit that to yourself or not.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Andy_K

[basil67]

In what universe? It's not cheating until you're exclusive, which multi-dating by definition isn't.

 

I can't speak for the current day, but when I was dating, seeing more than one person was cheating. Exclusivity was assumed. Hate to disillusion you, but the whole world doesn't operate on US standards.

[basil67]

I don't multi-date. I think it is unfair to everyone involved, including yourself. IMO, you aren't really getting to know person A when you have a date lined up with person B for tomorrow, and you are thinking about person C while you are on a date with person A. Now, I will talk to multiple women prior to dating them, just to determine which woman I think I would like to get to know better on a romantic level. Once I do, she can rest assured that I will date her and only her until things work out between her and I. One way or another.

 

I really don't think most people are gonna be cool with a multi-dater. I mean, how would you feel if you are on a date with someone, considering a serious commitment with that person, just to find out that they just hooked up with someone else last night? You can repeat the mantra about not being exclusive all you like, but it still sucks.

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

If I found out a guy was multi dating, he'd be dismissed. If he doesn't think enough of me to just date me, then he's not worth my time. Likewise, I would only date one man at a time. It's the best way to really give someone a chance.

[Cookiesandough]

Perhaps. Because it's not all about you. As enigma32 said:

 

 

 

I mean... you don't really owe someone anything after a few dates, but still. Treating others the way you'd like to be treated is still worth something. It's no fun to find out someone you thought you had a great connection with thinks they've got a better connection with someone else. The more you multi-date, the more people you're disappointing for no other reason than someone else made a better first impression.

 

I guess the question you have to ask yourself, is that if your potential dates knew exactly how many other people you'd been dating or sleeping with and when, would they think any differently of you? And if the answer is 'yes', you already know you're crossing a line, whether you admit that to yourself or not.

 

Is multidating like going dancing or a concert or getting coffee with multiple people at the first stage (1-3 dates/)? Is it still multidating if you aren't having sex with these people? (or even kissing?)

 

See, I apply that principle of do unto others, but in the case of multidating I really don't care. I've actually found all the times (sans with my 1 ltr) "I'm not seeing anyone else" a bit irritating because the assume you want that. You have to take it and live up to those expectations. I tend to feel the desire to end things there. I just feel like unless we are in a serious rship, you do you, boo and I do me and don't ask don't tell. If you are not in a rship, there is really no need to put regulations or to "call" stuff so no one else can get to it.

 

I found multidating a great way not to get stuck in a rut. There is a tendency to settle into whatevers comfortable when no or few other options are available. It's not that you are a fantastic match, it's that you have been on several dates already, things are good, and nothings exploded yet, so you go rship mode. With multidating, you are able to get to know different people because the likelihood of you clicking the best with the first person you have a good date with is low. People can often be completely fake on the first few dates. They can seem perfect.

 

However, if you get attached very fast, multi-dating is hard or even impossible. I think scarcity complex and dating one at a time can actually feed off each other.

 

I suppose there is the problem that it's hard to choose or settle at all for some people too when they are multidating. But I don't know if people are that way. Even a person multidating usually has an objective (find an ltr, spouse, casual dating, hookup) and even then occasionally they can meet someone that changes that agenda if it's the right moment.

 

My parents multidating before finding each other. I even think the beginning of their rship was somewhat casual in that they were dancing together and having dinner together somewhat platnonically. They are happily married.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

Cookies, you're missing the part about dating people who you already have a connection with. There is no need for the early Can You Hold A Conversation dates because good conversation has already been established pre dating.

 

And as a datee, I don't care if you're multi dating to avoid a rut. If I'm not good enough to be dating me only, then I will walk away. I'd rather be single than with a guy who is so desperate for love that he needs to date multiple girls at the same time.

 

Also, I would not out regulations on a guy about this. I would simply stop seeing him.

[Andy_K]

I found multidating a great way not to get stuck in a rut. There is a tendency to settle into whatevers comfortable when no or few other options are available. It's not that you are a fantastic match, it's that you have been on several dates already, things are good, and nothings exploded yet, so you go rship mode. With multidating, you are able to get to know different people because the likelihood of you clicking the best with the first person you have a good date with is low.

 

Different attitudes I guess. When I'm dating, I'm not looking for 'the best out of whatever's there', I'm looking for someone who meets whatever criteria I have. Any individual I meet... they either do or they don't. If they do, great, lets see where it goes. I've got no desire to find out if the next girl is a little smarter or prettier or whatever. It's a pass/fail, not a contest. If I viewed it otherwise, how would I ever truly be happy in a relationship knowing the grass could be greener elsewhere?

 

People can often be completely fake on the first few dates. They can seem perfect.

 

All the more reason to focus on actually genuinely understanding one person at a time then, no? Otherwise by the time you've figured out the fake ones, the potentially genuine ones have already dropped off the radar.

 

It's much easier to read people if you're not also trying to read a bunch of others.

[Cookiesandough]

Cookies, you're missing the part about dating people who you already have a connection with. There is no need for the early Can You Hold A Conversation dates because good conversation has already been established pre dating.

 

And as a datee, I don't care if you're multi dating to avoid a rut. If I'm not good enough to be dating me only, then I will walk away. I'd rather be single than with a guy who is so desperate for love that he needs to date multiple girls at the same time.

 

Also, I would not out regulations on a guy about this. I would simply stop seeing him.

 

That's true. If you guys already have a connection with them that helps a lot. But with online dating, there is really no chance for pre-dates. You are thrust into a date with a complete stranger who very likely can't hold one

 

 

----

 

And Andy, I agree with you, if you meet someone who does it for you completely and what you want then why keep looking? That doesn't make sense. But I don't know if multi-dating is that often a slippery slope.

 

But yes we generally agree.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[central]

More than half of all daters have dated more than one person at a time (from Statistics Brain). Like it or not, you're probably going to encounter someone who does if you date much, and especially if you use OLD. For most multi-daters, it only means a short overlap - perhaps only a couple of dates - until you decide if someone is worth continuing to see. It's rare to have long term overlaps. When they do exist, it's because you haven't been asked to be exclusive, and so you keep looking and dating others until someone is worthy of exclusive attention.

 

In my experience, this works well. Sure, I've had some good prospects choose someone else, and that's great, because I hope they've found someone more suitable than me. And I've disappointed some, because I've found someone more suitable than them. I won't limit my ability to find the best match for me, nor will I continue to date someone who is marginal. In the long run, those relationships don't work out, or need so much work that they're not worth it.

 

And if someone walks away because they frown on multi-dating, they're welcome to do what works for them. I'll probably have other good prospects I'm already dating, or will soon. Which raises the possibility that some people who dislike multi-dating aren't good at dating or lack options, so want to maximize the possibility that anyone they date might work out, without having any competition.

Edited January 19, 2018 by central

[Andy_K]

Another point to consider, is that guys have an awful lot more control over whether they multi-date. It's an active choice rather than a passive one.

 

Generally speaking, it's the guy who asks someone out. If I want to multi-date, I just ask out lots of girls at once instead of one. If I want to date one person, I just don't ask out any others. No need to reject or ignore anyone.

 

On the other hand if a girl wants to date only one person... she pretty much has to either refuse dates or ignore/stall other guys she might be talking to in order to prevent a multi-dating scenario occurring. I can understand why many wouldn't want to do that.

[SammySammy]

I beg to differ.

 

The purpose of dating is simply to get to know other people. If you're in the dating mode - getting to know other people - it's more efficient and effective to see more than one person at a time.

 

If you're having sex with and trying to settle down with every person you date, that's a personal problem. Lack of awareness and judgment on your part.

 

Every person you date is not going to be compatible with you. Not going to be a match. Not relationship material. Dating them one at a time doesn't change that fact.

 

The problem is not dating more than one person at a time. The problem is trying to turn everyone you date into a relationship.

 

You're doing it wrong.

[alphamale]

Generally speaking, it's the guy who asks someone out.

 

ahh no Andy_K. Women choose who they will go out with.