Does persistence mean real love?

[preraph]

I vastly prefer women who don't make me chase them. Then again, I am not so sought after

 

Right. It really only applies to people who attract too many people which doesn't happen to most of us! But there definitely are guys just average guys who still like to do the chasing. And that's fine because most women don't like doing it except in a covert way.

[BluesPower]

Keep him blocked...

 

You know, one of my rules in later life that has served me so, so well, is the following:

 

Women, men in your case, get one and only one chance. ONLY ONE.

 

Life is too short to let yourself get sucked into something like this. So what if he can get laid, or whatever.

 

What he did was crazy, and you never, ever want crazy.

 

One of the best things about my new GF is that she is not crazy. Oh, she is beautiful, sexy, has a wonderful heart, but most of all, she is not crazy.

 

Stay away from all crazy people as best as you can....

[SammySammy]

I used to, but I found that I suck at it. The fishing method works so much better for me, which is why I advise most men to try it.

 

Fishing method? Please explain.

[Fair]

 

I've been reading a lot of articles from google. I read some that said men fall in love faster a lot of times, especially when they have just exited a relationship or they are looking for relationship. They tend to know what traits they're looking for. I also saw that love at first sight can even be real. It's a weird mixture of chemicals going off in your brain.

 

 

Don't believe everything you read online. What a load of bull.

[SammySammy]

I don't chase women, ever. I just put my bait out there and watch for a bite. The key to that is to make sure the bait (you) attract attention and to actually cast your line. Once you know what to look for, it's pretty easy to know which women are interested. I only concern myself with those women.

 

Ah. I see.

 

My strategy is much the same. However, you do have to go where the fish are and use a specific strategy if you want a certain type of fish. You can’t fish in a parking lot. Well, you can but .... And if I want a certain species, I’m not beyond doing whatever it takes to attract that species. Some might consider that chasing. May take persistence to be successful.

 

I’m not too proud to admit only being open to a select group of women. And not giving up easily when I know what I want. So, I will approach. And I will persist. Within reason.

 

I’ve found that targeted approaches and persistence in certain situations can be very effective.

 

Of course, that always requires someone liking what I have to offer and willfully choosing ... me.

[nospam99]

Ya know, Cookies, I've experienced enough rejection to MAYBE feel some sympathy for this guy. So here I am back at your OP doing some 'analysis' to synthesize an opinion if there is any way he deserves a second at bat ...

he sent around 30 texts in row saying he knows I still want it

OMG - bat**** crazy. 'Want it'?

I received 3 mysterious phone calls I didn't answer and 3 text message screenshots via the app we met on of a conversation he had with his friend. He is telling him how he messed up by overtexting me, he tends to do that when he's excited about a person and nothing makes him go crazy like being ignored. His friend said that's a classic mistake. He also wrote that he possibly lost half of his employees. at his job. His friend extended his condolences. He said to his friend "yeah but ****ing things up with [my name] was just too much for me to handle yesterday and i had a meltdown"

Could easily be staged with the help of the friend. Friend says YOU are the one who had the meltdown? Blame the victim? Both of these guys are now maxing out my creep meter and I'm a guy ferchrisakes.

Then after those screenshots were sent, he wrote it was the worst day of his life and he barely managed to sleep.

Exaggeration (the worst day? Because a woman who 'wanted it' didn't put out?) = immaturity.

He said please have do-over and this cannot seriously be the end can it?

Oh. And now the woman doesn't get to decide when the end is? Creep meter is now broken. I'm doing this editing in sequence. I just want to look ahead now to read what you might have written about what reason you might have to allow that second at bat.

why is he acting so desperate if there really wasn't a connection? Why is he so adamant about there being a connection?

Cynical me has to ask 'You think just maybe he's a playah who just wants to take one more scalp, one he can brag to his friend(s) about how he's such a PUA that he beat your resistance?'.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but he's still pretty attractive to me. I could probably still be attracted to him if he is honest when he says he will stop being this way. I was really attracted at one point.

Two pairs of gonads crying out to each other? Been there, done that. If that's what you want, then take HIS scalp.

 

I feel bad for not giving him a shot. I feel guilty. Especially if it's true it was spurred on by possibly losing half his employees. Like maybe this is what I need at this point. I spent so much time running from it and blocking and ignoring people who persisted and it never got me anywhere. I just run in circles. I feel if I skip out on this I'll just be repeating history.... only liking it when people seem unavailable. And afterall, how bad could it be to just keep dating him? It's just a date

 

I don't see love bombing a woman as a reasonable reaction to losing employees. Whether it's what you need is a whole 'nuther question and totally your call to make. But .... repeating history? Is this guy the type you have broken off with in the past? Thirty texts about how you 'want it' and a vid of a talk with a friend? I hope for your sake you're also attracting guys who are more laid back. Sorry this because a rant. Us self-declared nice guys resent the hell out of playahz, even if they are young enough to be our sons.

[No_Go]

Yep, I thought this was another con (the ex girlfriend call) but she was real. I spoke to her on the phone and what she said - only someone who was very close to him may know (including the name of the friend where they have been when he assaulted her).

 

So Cookies - thanks for reading these, I guess you see why I'm a little too cautious with guys Btw one can argue I'm a naive person to fall into his trap: but he had a whole sequence of women, most of them very accomplished and sane-looking. Maybe the fact that he's pretty good looking helps him to queue the next woman to feel off...

 

For conventionally attractive guys: like any other guys, they can be high maintenance or not. It is not that correlated to their looks, moreso to how they perceive their own looks...

 

No_go, what a nightmare. so it turned it out really to be his ex?

 

Thank you. I just want to make one last thing clear. When I said his job is "ok not great" I meant that he has a good job, but he is not raking in the money(I won't be making a ton either)I'm not disrespecting his work. That only matters if he is trying to manipulate me into giving him money. I've been panicked so words are not coming out right.

 

I've never really dated really conventionally attractive guys besides my ex because I have this feeling they are high maintenance and full of themselves. He totally is, but we had a lot in common and he was witty so I thought I'd give it a shot. I made a huge mistake.

 

You guys helped me a lot. I will go back into my hole now.

[bene]

As a rule of thumb - when you have just met and barely know each other, whatever goes on in their lives is not your responsibility. They managed before meeting you and will manage after meeting you. No matter how infatuated you may be, you are still strangers. If something legitimately bad happens (a close relative dies, house burns down), you can offer support but still you are not their first line of defence, so to speak.

Any kind of “drama” in such an early stage is a red flag. If not something worse, it shows lack of boundaries and it is not healthy.

[bene]

 

Honestly? I would see your ideal partner as a steady Eddy. Someone who can make you feel safe and secure. Someone who will have a calming vibe to ying to your nervous energy yang - not this guy.

 

This guy seems to reflect all the same anxieties etc that you have - look how much he has already negatively affected you.

 

This, a thousand times.

 

I have an anxious streak and I can somewhat relate, believe me, this a wise advice. You definitely don’t need “complicated” people and extra stress in your life to add to the anxiety that already has a quite high baseline to begin with but rather a calming presence.

[No_Go]

This, a thousand times.

 

I have an anxious streak and I can somewhat relate, believe me, this a wise advice. You definitely don’t need “complicated” people and extra stress in your life to add to the anxiety that already has a quite high baseline to begin with but rather a calming presence.

 

Yes! Recent is very much on point. I can relate to cookies too in being very anxious and the only people that have been able to tame it were the ones with complimentary energy: ones that make me feel safe around them.

 

This guy, even if he's not a conman (which I think he is) will make Cookies anxiety skyrocket because he's very anxious as well.

 

Cookies I think indeed you need a guy like this: someone who can buffer your emotional highs and lows, and not stress you out additionally.

 

After reading this thread: that's my own dating goal as well

[RecentChange]

This, a thousand times.

 

I have an anxious streak and I can somewhat relate, believe me, this a wise advice. You definitely don’t need “complicated” people and extra stress in your life to add to the anxiety that already has a quite high baseline to begin with but rather a calming presence.

 

Yes! Recent is very much on point. I can relate to cookies too in being very anxious and the only people that have been able to tame it were the ones with complimentary energy: ones that make me feel safe around them.

 

This guy, even if he's not a conman (which I think he is) will make Cookies anxiety skyrocket because he's very anxious as well.

 

Cookies I think indeed you need a guy like this: someone who can buffer your emotional highs and lows, and not stress you out additionally.

 

After reading this thread: that's my own dating goal as well

 

YEP! I know this well.. because I am the steady eddy, and my husband is more prone to being anxious.

 

I am the calming force "it will all BE FINE - I promise honey!"

 

I call him "worst case scenario guy" because he tends to worry, and jump to the worst possible scenario. (so we talk those out, and I do my best to dispel them)

 

While I tend to be exceedingly even keel (been accused of not being emotional enough), and a bit of an optimist. He adds emotion to my life, I add a calming force to his.

 

You need a ying to your yang Cookies. I think commonalities are very important in a relationship, but so is balance.

Edited January 18, 2018 by RecentChange

[BluesPower]

Yes! Recent is very much on point. I can relate to cookies too in being very anxious and the only people that have been able to tame it were the ones with complimentary energy: ones that make me feel safe around them.

 

This guy, even if he's not a conman (which I think he is) will make Cookies anxiety skyrocket because he's very anxious as well.

 

Cookies I think indeed you need a guy like this: someone who can buffer your emotional highs and lows, and not stress you out additionally.

 

After reading this thread: that's my own dating goal as well

 

I just don't understand this from so many angles. In general women seem to deal with a lot of anxiety (RC as one of the exceptions).

 

I know that some guys can be this way as well.

 

I don't understand why any girl would deal with a guy that is anxious (again RC excepted).

 

For me, I focus on being calm. Not only does it make me feel better, it always makes the woman that I am with feel secure.

 

I guess that I am old fashioned, but it seems to me that men are supposed to be that way. That is probably sexist though, Oh well...

[preraph]

Anxious doesn't look good on anyone.

[guest569]

Well, you said you were not a match. Why? And why are you doubting your initial assessment?

[Cookiesandough]

I thought he was cool and cute and I would have liked to kick it with him and get to know before red flags started popping. He began to show his crazy too early. I felt bad because he said it was at an emotional time due to work and to give it a chance. I felt guilty mainly because I blamed myself that I hadn't responded to his texts and that is maybe why he went off the deep-end. I know now I made the right decision with the help LS. Thank you

Edited January 21, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Els]

This isn't really "persistence", this is clinginess and possibly danger. Persistence to me is sticking through a difficult time with a partner, weathering the storms with them, helping them through a rough patch. Being crazy is not "persistence" IMO.

[jjgitties]

Yeah yeah, I know I said I'd go and I will, I just have been really bothered by something the last few days. I needed to return to get it off my chest.

 

On Sunday night I had a date with a man that turned clingy. The next day I told him "we are not a match". Basically, he sent around 30 texts in row saying he knows I still want it, give it a chance. I wasn't sure what to think, so I blocked. Yesterday I received 3 mysterious phone calls I didn't answer and 3 text message screenshots via the app we met on of a conversation he had with his friend. He is telling him how he messed up by overtexting me, he tends to do that when he's excited about a person and nothing makes him go crazy like being ignored. His friend said that's a classic mistake. He also wrote that he possibly lost half of his employees. at his job. His friend extended his condolences. He said to his friend "yeah but ****ing things up with [my name] was just too much for me to handle yesterday and i had a meltdown"

 

Then after those screenshots were sent, he wrote it was the worst day of his life and he barely managed to sleep. He said please have do-over and this cannot seriously be the end can it?

 

The ordeal was so traumatic I cancelled the other date I had planned and I've just been trying to focus on studying but it's hard because this person's words really impacted me.

 

 

I either have gone bat**** insane or I really am passing up on something important.

 

I say this because I am aware this guy can get laid quite easily. I see he's got a lot of girls following/liking. The way he is acting is such a juxtaposition to his attitude when we we first started hanging. So why is he acting so desperate if there really wasn't a connection? Why is he so adamant about there being a connection? I also saw he put our astrological star sign's compatibility info on his Instagram. Who does that ?

 

A person that cares. Crazy person? Probably. But they must care. I am crazy too at times. And everyone knows that there's a certain feeling when you meet someone you like. I know feelings can feel smothering and suffocating when we don't see it at first or are going at a different pace than the other person. And it can feel smothering and suffocating when you are happy being free/single, but maybe that all just take some adjusting to.

 

And to be honest, I looked at some pictures on his instagram, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but he's still pretty attractive to me. I could probably still be attracted to him if he is honest when he says he will stop being this way. I was really attracted at one point.

 

 

I feel bad for not giving him a shot. I feel guilty. Especially if it's true it was spurred on by possibly losing half his employees. Like maybe this is what I need at this point. I spent so much time running from it and blocking and ignoring people who persisted and it never got me anywhere. I just run in circles. I feel if I skip out on this I'll just be repeating history.... only liking it when people seem unavailable. And afterall, how bad could it be to just keep dating him? It's just a date

 

 

Well, here's my take on it as a random guy on the internet.

 

If i were to meet a woman I was really really head over heels with -- hell yes, i would probably go a little nuts and do everything I can to convince her I am head over heels about her.

 

BUT....

 

this guys 30 texts in a row and the mysterious phone calls .. plus the talk about job stuff does seem a little off balance. it also makes no sense how you seem to think he's good looking and should be able to get laid easily but is coming on soo strong to you.

 

How about this, take a base ball approach. Give him three strikes and hes out if its a no go. Did the first date go well or not? I can't actually tell because you are more focused on the post date stuff that this dude is doing.

 

Sooo.... forget for a moment how much of a "hottie" this guy is and try to remember -- did you actually like him? did you feel comfortable being around him on that first date.

[guest569]

Were the red flags popping up during the first date, or afterwards following the rejection? Just curious is all. I agree you made the right decision.

[Cookiesandough]

Well, here's my take on it as a random guy on the internet.

 

If i were to meet a woman I was really really head over heels with -- hell yes, i would probably go a little nuts and do everything I can to convince her I am head over heels about her.

 

 

What. Why? If she told you she thinks you're awesome but you are not a match, you would do everything to convince her you're head over heels about her? Why do men do this? The issue isn't regarding his interest in her, but her interest in him.

 

it also makes no sense how you seem to think he's good looking and should be able to get laid easily but is coming on soo strong to you.

 

It makes sense when you consider attractive people can also be crazy.

 

How about this, take a base ball approach. Give him three strikes and hes out if its a no go. Did the first date go well or not? I can't actually tell because you are more focused on the post date stuff that this dude is doing.

 

Sooo.... forget for a moment how much of a "hottie" this guy is and try to remember -- did you actually like him? did you feel comfortable being around him on that first date.

 

The date went well but not really attracted to him anymore after learning aspects of his personality like that he's crazy

[Cookiesandough]

Were the red flags popping up during the first date, or afterwards following the rejection? Just curious is all. I agree you made the right decision.

 

Not at the beginning. We met at 8pm (it was supposed to be at 6 but i was running late)The beginning went well. We kissed and had great conversation. He seemed really cool. Then as I was leaving at 12am he went weird.

 

TYSM

Edited January 21, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Popsicle]

Yeah I don't really get why people are hating on this guy so much. I see no problem in how he acted. But I don't claim to be normal around these parts so whatevs.

 

I would still be seeing him and probably in bliss right now. But than again, I wouldn't have been scared off in the first place and the perceived "meltdown" wouldn't have happened.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Popsicle

[GemmaUK]

The first post here sounded cray cray to me yet you seemed pretty OK with it OP.

Enough anyway to go on a date and kiss.

30 texts and I would be ancient history. That's not persistence that's bombardment.

 

What happened when you were leaving for you to think he was crazy?

[nospam99]

What. Why? If she told you she thinks you're awesome but you are not a match, you would do everything to convince her you're head over heels about her? Why do men do this? The issue isn't regarding his interest in her, but her interest in him.

 

 

We men have been 'taught'/told/conditioned to expect LOTS of often CONTRADICTORY behaviors from women. ONE of those behaviors is 'playing hard to get'. We are told this behavior is a FALSE signal of disinterest, where we are being tested to check how 'serious' we are about our own interest. To 'pass' that particular test, we are expected to very visibly demonstrate our interest. That is 'why men do this'.

 

How much is too much? To me, Cookies' date is WAY 'over the top'. jjgitties said he'd 'go a little nuts' but did not elaborate. Me? Since my own return to dating I don't think I've gone nuts ... yet. None of my dates have yet bothered to SAY 'I don't think we're a match'. They've only indicated so by low interest or lack of communication. I've backed off if there was no mutual interest. But that's just me.

[Mysterio]

I guess I am different. I don't do the lovebomb stuff. I make an effort and leave it alone.

 

I am not the type to over pursue a woman. I don't care who she is. I know my self worth and I don't let it go to my head.

 

Its funny how attraction works. For me. The more warm and sweet a woman is to me, with out me having to work it. The more I find myself drawn to her.

[Cookiesandough]

The first post here sounded cray cray to me yet you seemed pretty OK with it OP.

Enough anyway to go on a date and kiss.

30 texts and I would be ancient history. That's not persistence that's bombardment.

 

What happened when you were leaving for you to think he was crazy?

 

Whaa you mean the first post I made about him? I did not go on any dates since the first post in this thread. All the stuff in OP happened after our first date and I wasn't ok with it I just felt guilty and maybe some of it was my fault and I should go on another date even though I didn't want to. I decided not to though and I never will. Ty

 

LOL pops. Youre funny xD

 

I can't see you doing that, Mysterio. You seem very logical and level-headed.

We men have been 'taught'/told/conditioned to expect LOTS of often CONTRADICTORY behaviors from women. ONE of those behaviors is 'playing hard to get'. We are told this behavior is a FALSE signal of disinterest, where we are being tested to check how 'serious' we are about our own interest. To 'pass' that particular test, we are expected to very visibly demonstrate our interest. That is 'why men do this'.

 

How much is too much? To me, Cookies' date is WAY 'over the top'. jjgitties said he'd 'go a little nuts' but did not elaborate. Me? Since my own return to dating I don't think I've gone nuts ... yet. None of my dates have yet bothered to SAY 'I don't think we're a match'. They've only indicated so by low interest or lack of communication. I've backed off if there was no mutual interest. But that's just me.

 

 

Oh okay. That explains a lot I think. Thank you. "Yet" lol. Your dates have never said you are not a match, but may I ask if one of your dates ever decided that you were not a match would you rather be told this or rather just show it? Personally, I'd rather just be hinted by lack of interest, but everyone is different. Some people find it more difficult than others If they did say it, I would tell them I respect their decision and go might sad for awhile but get over it

Edited January 21, 2018 by Cookiesandough