Found out boyfriend slept with prostitutes in the past

[mortensorchid]

Wow ... I have always wondered how and why men go to hookers, be they the high class types or those they can pick up on street corners. But like others have said on this forum (as have some of my guy friends I know in real life), I am thinking like a woman and I don't know how hard it is for guys to get laid. I guess I would just have to agree. But I digress ...

 

He's told you this. He told you why he did this. He's been tested and he's negative - even though you have a not so fresh feeling knowing this. It's done. We've all had some kind of a past, we're all adults here. What's important is to get tested, which he has done. And it's important to tell only certain people rather than all you know. Which he has also done.

 

So close the book on this and move forward with him.

[kumar123]

Thanks everyone for your replies! I really needed your opinions so thank you! Yes - my gut instinct is to trust him. I have been in a past relationship years ago where an ex lied about many things, and hid lots of information, which resulted in cheating and things with my current boyfriend feel very, very different in a good way. He's been very open with me about pretty much everything otherwise. And he's better managed his depression since he was 19, seeking healthier routes like therapy and asking for help from loved ones, surrounding himself with positive friends, etc. (I knew this when we first met).

 

We have discussed the depression and prostitution, and I've told him that if either of us ever gets depressed like that, we will both need to agree to go to therapy and seek further help and he's fully on board with that.

 

Obviously if more skeletons come out of the closet or I suspect lying, then that will reflect his character but I know many people, including myself, are very different at 19 than they are in their late 20s so I want to give him a chance and see where things go. Thanks again everyone!

[Mkn1010]

To me, the most troubling part of your post is this: "I never once suspected him of using prostitutes. I was in shock when he told me cause I never even expected it at all."

 

 

If you would never have suspected that your bf would have done such a thing in his past, then how do you KNOW that he is different from the other ex who came out with a Pandora's box of secrets later? The above statement clearly shows that your current bf is very good at presenting a certain image of himself, one that is NOT consistent with a guy who would seek out prostitutes in times of depression. Or, at the very least, you don't know him well, and that's concerning.

 

 

I absolutely think this is a red flag, especially all the crying over it when telling you (manipulation) and I really think your gut is telling you something is off, otherwise you would not have made this post. I say this as someone who is very familiar with manipulative people, sadly.

 

 

Also, people who use prostitutes to feel better have some SERIOUS DEMONS! I would be less worried if he did it just to get laid.

 

 

And if I was a betting lady, I would place my money on the fact that the amount of times he told you he did it is actually bullsh*t, I think this is HIS particular crux - we all have one! Eg- I come to this forum in moments of emotional stress, your bf goes to prostitutes. It's how people work, we have our personal 'go-to' emotionally soothing coping mechanisms.

 

 

Lastly, I want to add that another poster here mentioned recently that he revealed to a girl that he had sex with a prostitute once and then that girl started losing interest. Was that post what sparked you off in making your own because you deep down (like that other girl) do not feel ok with this? Some people may, some people may not. Be true to yourself.

[BryanSmiley]

To me, the most troubling part of your post is this: "I never once suspected him of using prostitutes. I was in shock when he told me cause I never even expected it at all."

 

If you would never have suspected that your bf would have done such a thing in his past, then how do you KNOW that he is different from the other ex who came out with a Pandora's box of secrets later? The above statement clearly shows that your current bf is very good at presenting a certain image of himself, one that is NOT consistent with a guy who would seek out prostitutes in times of depression. Or, at the very least, you don't know him well, and that's concerning.

 

Because someone doesn't suspect someone would've done something or other, must mean the person has acted misleadingly? What terrible logic. Or, many men have done this and they are...normal people.

 

I absolutely think this is a red flag, especially all the crying over it when telling you (manipulation) and I really think your gut is telling you something is off, otherwise you would not have made this post. I say this as someone who is very familiar with manipulative people, sadly.

 

So he couldn't just genuinely be embarrassed or remorseful? He cried so he simply has to be manipulative. Good grief.

 

Also, people who use prostitutes to feel better have some SERIOUS DEMONS! I would be less worried if he did it just to get laid.

 

Who has sex to feel bad?

 

And if I was a betting lady, I would place my money on the fact that the amount of times he told you he did it is actually bullsh*t, I think this is HIS particular crux - we all have one! Eg- I come to this forum in moments of emotional stress, your bf goes to prostitutes. It's how people work, we have our personal 'go-to' emotionally soothing coping mechanisms.

 

Lastly, I want to add that another poster here mentioned recently that he revealed to a girl that he had sex with a prostitute once and then that girl started losing interest. Was that post what sparked you off in making your own because you deep down (like that other girl) do not feel ok with this? Some people may, some people may not. Be true to yourself.

 

He's volunteered this info. He's said it was years ago and that's it. You want to cut him down and insist that's a lie, he's still doing it? That's your prerogative. To not consider the likelihood he's told you it honestly and accurately says more elsewhere than anything else.

[Mkn1010]

Because someone doesn't suspect someone would've done something or other, must mean the person has acted misleadingly? What terrible logic. Or, many men have done this and they are...normal people.

 

 

 

So he couldn't just genuinely be embarrassed or remorseful? He cried so he simply has to be manipulative. Good grief.

 

 

 

Who has sex to feel bad?

 

 

 

He's volunteered this info. He's said it was years ago and that's it. You want to cut him down and insist that's a lie, he's still doing it? That's your prerogative. To not consider the likelihood he's told you it honestly and accurately says more elsewhere than anything else.

 

 

 

 

 

I gave my opinion, just like you. You don't see me tearing down your post even though I don't agree with any of it, probably as it really doesn't hit any personal nerve with me. Good day to you!

[kumar123]

To me, the most troubling part of your post is this: "I never once suspected him of using prostitutes. I was in shock when he told me cause I never even expected it at all."

 

 

If you would never have suspected that your bf would have done such a thing in his past, then how do you KNOW that he is different from the other ex who came out with a Pandora's box of secrets later? The above statement clearly shows that your current bf is very good at presenting a certain image of himself, one that is NOT consistent with a guy who would seek out prostitutes in times of depression. Or, at the very least, you don't know him well, and that's concerning.

 

 

I absolutely think this is a red flag, especially all the crying over it when telling you (manipulation) and I really think your gut is telling you something is off, otherwise you would not have made this post. I say this as someone who is very familiar with manipulative people, sadly.

 

 

Also, people who use prostitutes to feel better have some SERIOUS DEMONS! I would be less worried if he did it just to get laid.

 

 

And if I was a betting lady, I would place my money on the fact that the amount of times he told you he did it is actually bullsh*t, I think this is HIS particular crux - we all have one! Eg- I come to this forum in moments of emotional stress, your bf goes to prostitutes. It's how people work, we have our personal 'go-to' emotionally soothing coping mechanisms.

 

 

Lastly, I want to add that another poster here mentioned recently that he revealed to a girl that he had sex with a prostitute once and then that girl started losing interest. Was that post what sparked you off in making your own because you deep down (like that other girl) do not feel ok with this? Some people may, some people may not. Be true to yourself.

 

Thanks for this! I haven't been on Loveshack in months so haven't seen any prior posts before writing mine.

 

To clarify, I generally would never date someone if I suspected them to sleep with prostitutes, cheat, lie or any other negative behaviors that I associate with poor relationships. If I'm very happy in a relationship and in love, then I think the best of my partner which I think is very normal. My boyfriend does have flaws, so do I, but I don't typically start suspecting them of sleeping with prostitutes as an example. So he's not keeping up some act where he comes across as an angel who has 0 faults. I'm just saying that I never suspected it. When I was with an ex who lied and cheated, I suspected he was lying and cheating and had to get it out of him. Something about him felt very off, manipulative and a little too perfect about how he described himself. In other words, his image was too squeaky clean and almost fake. My boyfriend has never come across like that.

 

My boyfriend is a bit of a sensitive guy and cries during movies sometimes and does quite a lot for his family as an example. He's just like that and it came off as remorseful. We've had a couple of disagreements in the past, and my boyfriend has never resorted to crying or similar behaviors to get his way. He's usually the first to apologize and admit how he's messed up and how he will do better.

 

you are right that his coping mechanisms for depression when he was 19 were terrible including the prostitution and other things he's shared with me in the past. He's come a long way since then. As long as he agrees to seek therapy and be proactive in a healthy way in how he manages his depression whenever he gets depressed then I'm happy with that. I can't predict what will happen, but right now, I feel pretty confident that he's got his depression under control and knows healthier ways to deal with his depression.

[Mkn1010]

Cool, "confidence" in your relationship does not even correlate with the heading of your post, yet alone why you went to the effort of posting. But sure, continue being "confident".

[jjgitties]

sorry. i missed part of this thread. so where did he get money at the ripe age of 19 to be sleeping with prostitutes? i also fail to see how sleeping with prostitutes helps deal with depression.

 

i am not sure what to tell you, i am almost 50 and never gone to a prostitute. i dont think any of my good male friends have either.

 

but if the story is true, .. it takes a very special type of male with a peculiar mind set to go out seeking prostitutes. if he was 19, was someone taking him to prostitutes?

[fiskadoro]

He has used prostitutes on two different continents. That isn't depression, that is convenience, or just indifference. You have to be rather thick to not notice that, even in places where prostitution is legal, the women doing it are doing so out of desperate circumstances. I guess in the right circumstances, being young counts for being thick.

 

Just be careful that you don't mistake his guilt to mean that he will never do it again. People have guilt ridden sex all the time. I think it wouldn't hurt to really press him on how he came to that place in his life, twice in two different locales.

 

Many men lie about sex, and when it involves prostitution, things really get murky. Proceed with caution.

[todreaminblue]

he didn't have to tell you...it was before you met ......how many women who have had multiple partners admit to the real number...would it have been better if he told you they were one night stands.... he paid for sex ....he was in a bad place.....he isn't at that same place anymore.....he doesnt think feel or act the same as he did back then

 

prostitution from my perspective is the highway to hell......he got off that highway.....just as i did......it isnt easy to get off it....either as a sex worker or the guys who use them......

 

..ill never go back there...i thought i was doing a service .....stopping rapes from happening or women being used for sex and supporting myself at the same time ...i used to tell mysefl these things to counteract the fact i was at the lowest point in my whole life......that and alcohol to get me through the actual acts i had to perform .......i used to try to feel ......well sleeping with a guy for dinner or a few drinks and a dance is worse so ...why not be a hooker ill buy my own dinner....im not hurting anyone.....im helping men and women........i was young homeless with really low self worth in a bad position in life.......they targeted me without a doubt as perfect.....in fact i believe the bosses set me up....someone got paid to get me to work for them...and i know who ...because he admitted it..........prostitution sucks the men in too ...believe me...its death...

 

doubt by the sounds of it that he will go back to prostitution .people can change.........he seems honest to me.....and deserves you to give him a chance...deb.

 

 

.

Edited January 9, 2018 by todreaminblue

[Mkn1010]

he didn't have to tell you...it was before you met ......how many women who have had multiple partners admit to the real number...would it have been better if he told you they were one night stands.... he paid for sex ....he was in a bad place.....he isn't at that same place anymore.....he doesnt think feel or act the same as he did back then

 

prostitution from my perspective is the highway to hell......he got off that highway.....just as i did......it isnt easy to get off it....either as a sex worker or the guys who use them......

 

..ill never go back there...i thought i was doing a service .....stopping rapes from happening or women being used for sex and supporting myself at the same time ...i used to tell mysefl these things to counteract the fact i was at the lowest point in my whole life......that and alcohol to get me through the actual acts i had to perform .......i used to try to feel ......well sleeping with a guy for dinner or a few drinks and a dance is worse so ...why not be a hooker ill buy my own dinner....im not hurting anyone.....im helping men and women........i was young homeless with really low self worth in a bad position in life.......they targeted me without a doubt as perfect.....in fact i believe the bosses set me up....someone got paid to get me to work for them...and i know who ...because he admitted it..........prostitution sucks the men in too ...believe me...its death...

 

doubt by the sounds of it that he will go back to prostitution .people can change.........he seems honest to me.....and deserves you to give him a chance...deb.

 

 

.

 

Thank you for sharing this deb. This whole post just highlights the horrors and vulnerability of women in this trade!

[kumar123]

sorry. i missed part of this thread. so where did he get money at the ripe age of 19 to be sleeping with prostitutes? i also fail to see how sleeping with prostitutes helps deal with depression.

 

i am not sure what to tell you, i am almost 50 and never gone to a prostitute. i dont think any of my good male friends have either.

 

but if the story is true, .. it takes a very special type of male with a peculiar mind set to go out seeking prostitutes. if he was 19, was someone taking him to prostitutes?

 

Sleeping with prostitutes does not help deal with depression. My boyfriend has also admitted that it did nothing to help, just made it work. He was working since a young age and used his savings on it. His very abusive father does visit prostitutes regularly (even today) so I imagine he got the idea from there somewhere.

[kumar123]

He has used prostitutes on two different continents. That isn't depression, that is convenience, or just indifference. You have to be rather thick to not notice that, even in places where prostitution is legal, the women doing it are doing so out of desperate circumstances. I guess in the right circumstances, being young counts for being thick.

 

Just be careful that you don't mistake his guilt to mean that he will never do it again. People have guilt ridden sex all the time. I think it wouldn't hurt to really press him on how he came to that place in his life, twice in two different locales.

 

Many men lie about sex, and when it involves prostitution, things really get murky. Proceed with caution.

 

I 100% agree with you! I've talked to my boyfriend many times about prostitution because unfortunately he's been very ignorant on the subject and did not realize any of this. I had to educate him on the topic the first 2 weeks I knew him.

[kumar123]

he didn't have to tell you...it was before you met ......how many women who have had multiple partners admit to the real number...would it have been better if he told you they were one night stands.... he paid for sex ....he was in a bad place.....he isn't at that same place anymore.....he doesnt think feel or act the same as he did back then

 

prostitution from my perspective is the highway to hell......he got off that highway.....just as i did......it isnt easy to get off it....either as a sex worker or the guys who use them......

 

..ill never go back there...i thought i was doing a service .....stopping rapes from happening or women being used for sex and supporting myself at the same time ...i used to tell mysefl these things to counteract the fact i was at the lowest point in my whole life......that and alcohol to get me through the actual acts i had to perform .......i used to try to feel ......well sleeping with a guy for dinner or a few drinks and a dance is worse so ...why not be a hooker ill buy my own dinner....im not hurting anyone.....im helping men and women........i was young homeless with really low self worth in a bad position in life.......they targeted me without a doubt as perfect.....in fact i believe the bosses set me up....someone got paid to get me to work for them...and i know who ...because he admitted it..........prostitution sucks the men in too ...believe me...its death...

 

doubt by the sounds of it that he will go back to prostitution .people can change.........he seems honest to me.....and deserves you to give him a chance...deb.

 

 

.

 

Deb I am so sorry to hear about the pain you have been through and the horrors. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so happy you are out of the situation!

[todreaminblue]

Deb I am so sorry to hear about the pain you have been through and the horrors. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so happy you are out of the situation!

 

 

thankyou i am glad i am out too.....you dont see many old hookers...i am out and i grew older........the other way would have been death for me...i chose life.......

 

what i really hope for and i pray for is one day a man(not just any man but a god fearing one) will see beyond my past and give me a chance too......when i am honest with him and disclose my past..........i am not my past......i hope that in your case ....your bf can have a chance with you..most people deserve a chance......deb

Edited January 9, 2018 by todreaminblue

[elaine567]

He was not just some young guy on holiday with his mates, who was peer pressured into seeing a prostitute.

No, he sought out prostitutes in two different countries

In his mind seeing prostitutes had been normalised by the fact his abusive father did it.

His father is his role model, whether he wants him to be or not and that is worrying.

 

What is also worrying is the "confession" and the "crying".

Yes he may be an emotional mess over this, but this display of emotion can be something called an emotional escape.

He has just told you something shocking and you may have just walked away at that point, he was in deep trouble, so in order to keep you on board he plays the emotional card, he is then sobbing his heart out.

He diverts your anger away and lives to fight another day.

Be careful.

 

I would also take his "ignorance" of prostitutes with a huge pinch of salt. How did the topic of prostitution ever come up when you first met anyway?

 

I am also unsure why he raised your hopes up so high "I love you" to then spoil the moment completely with the "confession".

That could be a game too. He plays with your emotions.

People with abusive parents are often adept at pacifying situations, but they have often learned a few abusive/manipulative tricks themselves so again be on the alert.

He may be nothing like his father, or he may indeed be a carbon copy...

[todreaminblue]

He was not just some young guy on holiday with his mates, who was peer pressured into seeing a prostitute.

No, he sought out prostitutes in two different countries

In his mind seeing prostitutes had been normalised by the fact his abusive father did it.

His father is his role model, whether he wants him to be or not and that is worrying.

 

What is also worrying is the "confession" and the "crying".

Yes he may be an emotional mess over this, but this display of emotion can be something called an emotional escape.

He has just told you something shocking and you may have just walked away at that point, he was in deep trouble, so in order to keep you on board he plays the emotional card, he is then sobbing his heart out.

He diverts your anger away and lives to fight another day.

Be careful.

 

I would also take his "ignorance" of prostitutes with a huge pinch of salt. How did the topic of prostitution ever come up when you first met anyway?

 

I am also unsure why he raised your hopes up so high "I love you" to then spoil the moment completely with the "confession".

That could be a game too. He plays with your emotions.

People with abusive parents are often adept at pacifying situations, but they have often learned a few abusive/manipulative tricks themselves so again be on the alert.

He may be nothing like his father, or he may indeed be a carbon copy...

 

 

i understand your words elaine they could be true too..... but i would like to add also I know sometimes when people sob...its because they feel true remorse...and you feel immediate compassion in your heart for them you can feel the truth..............with no ulterior motives behind the tears......

 

 

its hard sometimes to know the difference over the internet with one perspective in words......... true remorse from this guy for instance it is her heart that will feel it if he is truly remorseful..not all people who have gone through abuse and manipulation..... ...become abusers or manipulators.........deb

[elaine567]

i understand your words elaine they could be true too..... but i would like to add also I know sometimes when people sob...its because they feel true remorse...and you feel immediate compassion in your heart for them you can feel the truth..............with no ulterior motives behind the tears......

 

 

its hard sometimes to know the difference over the internet with one perspective in words......... true remorse from this guy for instance it is her heart that will feel it if he is truly remorseful..not all people who have gone through abuse and manipulation..... ...become abusers or manipulators.........deb

 

Yes I get that, I did actually say he indeed could be in an emotional mess over this and he could be nothing like his father.

[Trip2TheSky]

Women in general do not want anything to do with guys who sleep with prostitutes, so I am unsure why you thought your friend's ex was "making up" an excuse to break up with him.

 

And yes you can "punish" a person for their past, people do it all the time. The past can reveal a lot about a person and people tend to see misdemeanours as who that person really is, as with experience, they find people tend to rarely change in reality.

 

 

I disagree. I would never judge someone for their past. It's hard for me to judge anyone, to be honest.

 

Also, you didn't have to be rude and condescending to Bsmiles, because he has an open mind and enough heart to be able to hear someone's past and have no judgement or problem with it.

 

People do change and lose themselves; that's why good people can end up making bad decisions in life.

 

What happened to this world? I have to find more strength in me every day to be able to accept that I'm in a world that doesn't deserve me and have only met 1 person in my 26 years here that I know I can trust 100%

 

I am not bashing anyone, but some of the things people have said to one other on here can be really damaging; coming from a stranger, or not.

 

Wake up and find that sweet kid you were before all the let downs and heartbreak happened.

[GorillaTheater]

I cut folks a lot of slack for what they may have done when they were 19, just as I hope they would do for me.

[skywriter]

Deb I am so sorry to hear about the pain you have been through and the horrors. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so happy you are out of the situation!

 

 

I agree with todreaminblue's post and was thinking, his past is his past and he felt safe enough to share this personal information without judgement.

 

I also thought, why cast stones, because you surely have a past.I say take a look at yourself before casting stones.I would be thinking my relationship is stable enough that my love feels safe revealing things he's not so proud of because I love him enough to listen without throwing it back in his face.

 

It would be entirely different if he were shifty, for example, disappearing for extended periods of time, not being where he's supposed to be, money not accounted for, etc.

[Iseult]

We have had discussions prior to this about sex trafficking and so forth and I know he does not agree with prostitution now. My boyfriend tends to be ill informed of issues regarding this, and I know I had to inform him on a few things on topics similar to this when we first met because he was a little ignorant on those topics.

First of all, I'm interested in knowing how the topic of sex trafficking comes up between a couple in daily conversation. I cannot imagine a scenario where this comes up organically.

 

Secondly, it sounds like you have some sort of hang up when it comes to sex trafficking and "topics similar to this". What makes you say he was "ignorant" about this and what was the impetus for you to "inform" him?

 

What is your fixation on sex trafficking about?

[elaine567]

First of all, I'm interested in knowing how the topic of sex trafficking comes up between a couple in daily conversation. I cannot imagine a scenario where this comes up organically.

 

Secondly, it sounds like you have some sort of hang up when it comes to sex trafficking and "topics similar to this". What makes you say he was "ignorant" about this and what was the impetus for you to "inform" him?

 

What is your fixation on sex trafficking about?

 

Maybe it was not her that brought up the subject of prostitutes...

[kumar123]

First of all, I'm interested in knowing how the topic of sex trafficking comes up between a couple in daily conversation. I cannot imagine a scenario where this comes up organically.

 

Secondly, it sounds like you have some sort of hang up when it comes to sex trafficking and "topics similar to this". What makes you say he was "ignorant" about this and what was the impetus for you to "inform" him?

 

What is your fixation on sex trafficking about?

 

I do not have a fixation on sex trafficking. I've volunteered in several countries overseas such as Thailand and Kenya. I have rescued and even sponsored a child who I met for the rest of her life to avoid her getting into sex trafficking as she was raised in an abusive family who was about to sell her off. So yes, this is important to me.

 

The topic came up because my boyfriend really dislikes his abusive father. I had mentioned how I'd been to Thailand (never mentioned the specifics of my volunteer work) and he mentioned he's never been and always wanted to go. He'd mentioned his dad went and I asked how his father liked it, and he says he didn't know cause his dad was probably just there for the prostitutes and the drugs. I asked what his thoughts were on that, and that's how the subject came up and I realized my boyfriend was completely unaware about the dangers of prostitution as he had no idea about the horrors these people went through as children.

 

I'm quite misinformed/ignorant about many subjects so him not realizing wasn't shocking. I've learned so much about what happens in these places just from the volunteer work.

 

Anyway my decision is to leave the past in the past, give him a chance, and if he shows any dodgy behaviors in the future, then I'll get out of that relationship.

[todreaminblue]

Yes I get that, I did actually say he indeed could be in an emotional mess over this and he could be nothing like his father.

 

 

sorry elaine i didnt see that you wrote that...i went on the defensive because of my own personal history...with abuse..and prostitution ...i deserve a chance myself...and i would for sure give this guy a go...because i would want that chance to prove myself worthy...my perspective is bias..........deb

Edited January 10, 2018 by todreaminblue