BluesPower Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Thank you kindly. I'm a big believer in patience when someone is worth it, but I won't be waiting around forever, so I'll need to see progress. He JUST reached out about his weekend and asked how I am etc, but no mention of anything important. Would you suggest I talk with him in person again or just leave it for now and hang out like we usually do with no intense convos and give him time to choose to open up to me? I get that he is dealing with stuff... but I think that everyone is really giving the BF way too much leeway. Here is the deal, in spite of what he is dealing with, you guys are in a relationship. Its to nice, WTF does that mean????? This is just weird. If he is too messed up to have sex OK, we can just chill for a while, But stopping in the middle???? I don't get it. If he is dealing with too much then say it and say he will see you when he feels better, you can decide to wait or not. But 38 I mean come on. Try to remember this, if the sex is not pretty mind blowing in the first part of the relationship, it does not bode well for the other years/stages. I get being patient, but I don't know. If he does not get it all out in the open, or if he CAN'T, i.e. emotionally immature, I say move on... Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Thank you kindly. I'm a big believer in patience when someone is worth it, but I won't be waiting around forever, so I'll need to see progress. He JUST reached out about his weekend and asked how I am etc, but no mention of anything important. Would you suggest I talk with him in person again or just leave it for now and hang out like we usually do with no intense convos and give him time to choose to open up to me? If you want to try to get this back on its feet I say to definitely leave it and keep it light for now. It's not going to do good to bring the stuff up or add any more tension as the last weekend has somewhat shown. Will prob justt push them away further 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 I get that he is dealing with stuff... but I think that everyone is really giving the BF way too much leeway. Here is the deal, in spite of what he is dealing with, you guys are in a relationship. Its to nice, WTF does that mean????? This is just weird. If he is too messed up to have sex OK, we can just chill for a while, But stopping in the middle???? I don't get it. If he is dealing with too much then say it and say he will see you when he feels better, you can decide to wait or not. But 38 I mean come on. Try to remember this, if the sex is not pretty mind blowing in the first part of the relationship, it does not bode well for the other years/stages. I get being patient, but I don't know. If he does not get it all out in the open, or if he CAN'T, i.e. emotionally immature, I say move on... Sorry but what does "38 I mean come on" mean exactly? If you're referencing his age, he's 32. I understand what you're saying but sex really isn't a priority for me, personally. And I also know that we were really compatible in that regard the first time we dated in 2016, so this is something new that has popped up this time around. And expecting sex to be "mind blowing" is very unrealistic. And when it IS mind blowing, it's often with a person who is all kinds of wrong for you long-term due to their character. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 If you want to try to get this back on its feet I say to definitely leave it and keep it light for now. It's not going to do good to bring the stuff up or add any more tension as the last weekend has somewhat shown. Will prob justt push them away further Thanks Cookies, this is what I think too and how I will proceed for now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Sorry but what does "38 I mean come on" mean exactly? If you're referencing his age, he's 32. I understand what you're saying but sex really isn't a priority for me, personally. And I also know that we were really compatible in that regard the first time we dated in 2016, so this is something new that has popped up this time around. And expecting sex to be "mind blowing" is very unrealistic. And when it IS mind blowing, it's often with a person who is all kinds of wrong for you long-term due to their character. 38 or 32, this is not grown man behavior... It is really strange behavior, no matter what is going on in his life. A grown man should realize that he is in no shape for a relationship. And if he is not, then you don't get into one or you get of for a minute. This behavior is just all out weird to me... And OP, you are in your early 30's, you have not even hit your sexual prime yet. As far as sex goes, it will be very important to you when you get a little older. And it may not be important because you really have not had any good sex yet, no offense. And yes, mind blowing sex is a good thing. I have been with women between 40 and 60 that had never had multiple orgasms with anyone until they met me. Some of that is just their age but some of it is because they did not understand what sex was about. What I am trying to say, it this: The dude is 32 and he acts like he is 19 and having a bad thing happen at home between his parents. I understand that it is a big deal, butt this is not how you handle it. Does any of that register? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 This whole situation sounds very strange to me. Surely you realize this is not exactly the norm, don't you? I don't know what else to say about this what you should or should not do because it's ... Odd. If I or someone else gave you advice and you followed it, something odd would happen. If I or someone else didn't, something odd would happen. I don't know what to say except don't expect this to turn out well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 38 or 32, this is not grown man behavior... It is really strange behavior, no matter what is going on in his life. A grown man should realize that he is in no shape for a relationship. And if he is not, then you don't get into one or you get of for a minute. This behavior is just all out weird to me... And OP, you are in your early 30's, you have not even hit your sexual prime yet. As far as sex goes, it will be very important to you when you get a little older. And it may not be important because you really have not had any good sex yet, no offense. And yes, mind blowing sex is a good thing. I have been with women between 40 and 60 that had never had multiple orgasms with anyone until they met me. Some of that is just their age but some of it is because they did not understand what sex was about. What I am trying to say, it this: The dude is 32 and he acts like he is 19 and having a bad thing happen at home between his parents. I understand that it is a big deal, butt this is not how you handle it. Does any of that register? No, honestly, it doesn't register. You actually don't know me or why sex is not and never will be a priority for me. Don't assume to know my future and say that I will allegedly care one day a great deal. Orgasms mean little to nothing to me and I have had MANY in my life. I get that you probably will never understand that. I respect your opinion but it is coming from a fundamentally different value system to my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 This whole situation sounds very strange to me. Surely you realize this is not exactly the norm, don't you? I don't know what else to say about this what you should or should not do because it's ... Odd. If I or someone else gave you advice and you followed it, something odd would happen. If I or someone else didn't, something odd would happen. I don't know what to say except don't expect this to turn out well. Yes, thanks, I do realize the situation is strange otherwise I would not have posted here (oxymoron). I'm sure many odd things will happen, but that's my life for ya and I myself am apparently 'odd' according to society. So odd is actually a compliment! And most people's definition of what 'turning out well' means, it starkly different to my own. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Why are you having unprotected sex with a guy who is not your BF or you two are confirmed serious? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 I just read the thread. Not you other threads. Just this one. Something doesn't add up. As one poster said, he's a 32 year old guy seemingly behaving like a 20 yr old. Stop having unprot sex with him. He could be sleeping around and you might get something nasty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 I just read the thread. Not you other threads. Just this one. Something doesn't add up. As one poster said, he's a 32 year old guy seemingly behaving like a 20 yr old. Stop having unprot sex with him. He could be sleeping around and you might get something nasty. Yeah, I've already decided to stop having sex with him until I work out what's going on. I probably shouldn't have been having unprotected sex with him anyway, however I kinda got lax with it as I dated this guy already in 2016 and we didn't meet on some random online dating site or anything. But yes, I definitely agree, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Yeah, I've already decided to stop having sex with him until I work out what's going on. I probably shouldn't have been having unprotected sex with him anyway, however I kinda got lax with it as I dated this guy already in 2016 and we didn't meet on some random online dating site or anything. But yes, I definitely agree, thank you. It don't matter. Assume the guy willing to sleep with you is also sleeping with a lot of other people at the same time. Or hookerz... Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 What he said about it being too nice, then stopping, is a bit odd. He is leaving you wondering where he stands. He has got major things going on in the background though with his dad. It might be something to do with having unprotected sex. While that might sound appealing, maybe he's worried about getting you pregnant. Maybe he already has a child/children? He said he had something to tell you. I think he's keeping quiet because he doesn't really know you yet. You had sex in the past so you feel you know each other but you don't. I would give it time and gently encourage him to say what he needs to say. In the meantime, unless you want to get pregnant by a (possibly) absent father, it would best best to use birth control or abstain from sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 So...the guy I have been seeing for the last 3+ months has now ghosted me. Last week we had a heart to heart about communicating better and more openly with each other. He had been distant and evasive around his feelings if anyone read my former threads. So he convinced me that we was going to try harder and that open communication is a work in progress for him but that he really wants to improve blah blah He opened up about a story where he really let down a girl he was seeing by not being supportive to her while she went through a family death and he hated himself thereafter and vowed to get better at emotional availability. I decided to give him a chance. That was a week ago and he proceeded to get really lax at messaging while away for work. One day he took 10-ish hours to reply to a message and in that reply he said he was “so bored” there that he literally went to the gym twice in one day (yet evidently could not message me). His dad has a stroke in Oct, so I know that’s been bothering him. I responded by saying something like “it feels like you’re distancing yourself, at least to me, and it’s really hard to be supportive to you when you’re not receptive to it” That was two days ago- he never wrote back. He’s back from his interstate trip but I haven’t heard from him. I won’t reach out again. I just thought he might end things with at least some sort of response given we’ve been dating since Oct. Is that out of line for me to expect? Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 He is showing you very clearly through his actions that he is incapable of being a reliable boyfriend. If his behavior is a deal breaker for you (like it would be for most of us) then you need to be proactive about it and tell him you are done. There is no point in waiting and leaving it up to him to do the right thing. He doesn't get it. At best all he will do is message you in a week or two like nothing happened, or worse he will continue to ignore, leaving you angry and resentful. I wouldn't give him the power to dictate the situation. You don't have to put up with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Reaching out again to tell him it’s done when he hasn’t even replied seems weak, like people who say “well I quit anyway” when they were fired lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Mkn1010, it would be great if all of us could talk with those we date and convince them to contact us according to our timelines but the best we can do is charm them into it. Talking to someone about staying in touch with us rarely accomplishes what we want it to. For me, if a guy isn't communicating with me at the level I wish early on (first few weeks or months depending) in a relationship I just take it as we're not going to be in a relationship because I need plenty of communication with a guy I'm dating. Not everyone does so the guy would be better matched with someone other than me. Sounds to me as if you and this guy may not be a good match if he was bored and didn't think of contacting you. I'd let it go and move on. If he contacts you again at some point I'd just tell him you don't think you're a good match as you need more communication with someone you're dating. If he tries to discuss it with you (doubt this particular guy will, though) I'd tell him you want to be with someone who likes staying in closer touch with you and don't want to require it of a bf. Now, if you've been dating someone long term and they quit communicating as often without explanation, that's reason for a conversation with them about it as you know they're a person who has enjoyed staying in touch yet something seems to be changing. Would be important to find out what/why that is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Reaching out again to tell him it’s done when he hasn’t even replied seems weak, like people who say “well I quit anyway” when they were fired lol What are you going to say then if/when he does reach out again? And he probably will, like Scarlett said, pretending like nothing happened. It's best to be prepared anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 after 3 months he's discovered the relationship isn't for him, it happens all the time 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ktmiller222 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Same thing is happening to me. I've been dating a guy for a few months. He has been away for work (we hung out right before he left and he said he would text me). He responded to me hoursssssssss after I texted him and he was very short with his response. I decided not to text him anymore. I have not heard from him in over a week. He should be home now. I don't know what I would do if he texts me...if he does, I might just ignore him even though I want to hear from him and see him. It's ridiculous...anyone can text. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 after 3 months he's discovered the relationship isn't for him, it happens all the time Then communicate that, right? Not convince someone to give you another chance merely a week ago? Bit contradictory. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 What are you going to say then if/when he does reach out again? And he probably will, like Scarlett said, pretending like nothing happened. It's best to be prepared anyway. I doubt it, most men just ghost like the above poster even seems to think it’s ok to not communicate that you’re not interested in dating anymore. But if he does reach out, I’m going to say “thank you, but this just isn’t for me” 4 Link to post Share on other sites
divegrl Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 He will reach out again. Maybe in a week or so. At that point you can tell him this isn’t working for you. Which I hope you do. This man is emotionally unavailable and a conflict avoidant. You’ve already started a couple of threads regarding your anxiety over him not responding. Good luck my friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mkn1010 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 He will reach out again. Maybe in a week or so. At that point you can tell him this isn’t working for you. Which I hope you do. This man is emotionally unavailable and a conflict avoidant. You’ve already started a couple of threads regarding your anxiety over him not responding. Good luck my friend. Yes I have. Thank you, you get it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Then communicate that, right? Not convince someone to give you another chance merely a week ago? Bit contradictory. he wants to avoid a messy confrontation 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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