Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?

[kendahke]

What and who prompted the break up 3 weeks ago?

[Lou1973]

I think your message to him is perfect. I would probably say the exact same thing. He sounds like a total brat.

 

Here is the full message, he pissed me off so much that I well and truly ended up giving it to him:

Please stop hiding behind this nicotine withdrawal stuff. Yes I get your going to be a little moody every now and then but last night was much more than some moodiness. You did what you used to do before we broke up, ignoring me for hours and then stomping off to sleep somewhere else other than the bed, I'm afraid that this might actually be your personality under any circumstance where any type of conflict is happening and to be honest with you it's way too immature for me to even want to deal with, not only is it immature it's just plain toxic dysfunctional behaviour and I dont have time for that ****, I dont need or want it. Sitting at the table refusing to eat just bloody ridiculous, I actually felt like there was an extra child at the table.....not the life I'm after mate!!

 

I have a right to voice my concern over any type of situation that I believe poses a risk to another human. I dont care if it's your child, Mary's child down the street or whatever, if I see something alarming I will say something don't care who it's too. You don't know everything Toby and to try and make out that I'm dumb and your smarter and be a condescending prick in conversation actually makes you the unintelligent one.... I wasnt lecturing you but under the circumstances what I saw with Lyvon in the car I really dont care, his safety is a priority. I'm not really going to be watching my manners when im trying to bring to your attention the dangers of what you did. You didn't even have the decency to actually read what I sent you to even want to understand why I was so passionate and upset about the reason why. When you put your pride first that's a very selfish act. At least I would give you the respect to find out why you were so upset and read the facts, but not you, you don't give a dam and with an attitude like that I can expect to go through a life with you feeling like my opinions and thoughts don't matter and if that's the case and if you can't even find a little space to listen to the person your supposed to love then there really isn't alot of hope for a happy future. My thoughts and opinions should matter to you, you should not just sweep them under the carpet like they are nothing, like I'm nothing and have nothing of value to add to your life because at the end of the day everyone can learn something from someone else.

 

Last night I not once called you a name or swore at you. You on the other hand just became a ****ty little *******. I guess the age gap really shows in maturity levels, your still testing me like some 6 yr old while at 44 I'm not wasting my time, I guess I still expect more from a 37 year old man, your not exactly a spring chicken, you should know better, you should get some respect real quick!!

 

This is my home, mine Toby, you and your kids are guests here. You don't live here anymore and to be quite honest I'm not at all interested into doing that anytime soon especially after last night!! I have a right to do things my way in my home, I have a right to live to a certain standard that makes me happy, I dont need your permission. If o want to put certain toys and ornaments away then that's my free will, does not concern you or your children. Lyvon has and does break things and I want to prevent that from happening in the future. You don't get to March around telling me I'm being ridiculous. What's ridiculous is if I leave all these things out and risk them getting broken because im pretty god dam sure that neither you or Jess will be emptying your wallets to replace any of my daughters broken items.....thats also why I unplugged my treadmill, don't want your kids treating it like a you, fighting over it, ****in irritates me. As it was Lyvon trapped one of Marie-Claires mermaid dolls into it the day my dad was here for lunch and that could have broken my machine and it did actually break the doll.....

 

I dont have anything against your children so you have taken it the wrong way but they have been brought up differently and with Lyvon I really do believe he lacks a bit of respect when he is at my home using things that arnt his, Im sorry if that offends you but it's what I see time and again with him.

 

I work very hard as a single mum with my daughter therefore I definitely don't appreciate dealing with an upset child when other kids come in and ruin her stuff, I can't always afford to run out and replace items.

 

I do the same when Lucas and Chloe stay as well, it's simply preventing things getting broken and preventing my daughters little heart from breaking and like it or not Toby she is my first priority, not your children and certainly not Deb and Rods kids and they know I put things away and they are totally fine with it, never seen them getting upset!!!

[Iseult]

I'm sorry to hear about the ****ty start to your New Year but I think you handled the situation well.

[Cookiesandough]

Yes I understand where you are coming from but lotsvof couples argue with some raised voices and swearing, I'm not saying that's acceptable and personally I don't like it but it happens from time to time. I guess it it was happening all the time frequently then it may be time to hit the road Jack.

 

I don't think it's acceptable and I personally don't like it either, it's abusive, and abuse typically escalates whether it remains verbal or not. It doesn't typically go back or decline in frequency. If my bf was throwing F bombs at me in a serious manner I would be hitting the road because of this. You guys are dating 10 mo. The best is supposed to be in the beginning and you two are incompatible and fighting like a couple who have been together for years and wish they could be out

[Lou1973]

Call it a done deal then. Even if he reaches out, clearly he doesn't handle conflict properly and you don't need or want anymore of this nonsense. Especially where kids are involved.

 

Yes I'm starting to regret getting back together with him now.

[Lou1973]

What and who prompted the break up 3 weeks ago?

 

I found out he has been hiding a drinking problem from me which was in my eyes the same as lying to me. It had been affecting our relationship and I broke up with him.

 

He has been genuinely trying to turn things around and I have been supportive of that. He attends AA meetings twice a week, has also quit smoking and making healthier choices, hasn't touched a drop of alcohol for 4 weeks. He has been trying. Was doing so well in the relationship overall for the last 3 weeks until this issue on Sat evening..

[LilySun]

I found out he has been hiding a drinking problem from me which was in my eyes the same as lying to me. It had been affecting our relationship and I broke up with him.

 

He has been genuinely trying to turn things around and I have been supportive of that. He attends AA meetings twice a week, has also quit smoking and making healthier choices, hasn't touched a drop of alcohol for 4 weeks. He has been trying. Was doing so well in the relationship overall for the last 3 weeks until this issue on Sat evening..

 

I'm thinking he should add an anger management support group to that.

[JuneL]

How long have the kids been hanging out at each other's place? I just feel bad for them to endure such drama. Truth be told, you're not exactly a model mother to expose your daughter to an alcoholic (did he use to smoke in your house too?).

Edited January 2, 2018 by JuneL

[Lou1973]

How long have the kids been hanging out at each other's place? I just feel bad for them to endure such drama. Truth be told, you're not exactly a model mother to expose your daughter to an alcoholic (did he use to smoke in your house too?).

 

He did not drink or smoke in the house around my daughter. He was doing most of his drinking behind my back, I had no idea he had this issue going on until the end when his behaviour and priorities started changing. In the end I confronted him, asked him a bunch of questions and then ended things. I certainly wouldn't want that going on in my daughters life so I am a good role model for my child. She can see that I stand up for myself and don't take any bull****.

[Lou1973]

So would everyone on here agree that I'm right to sit back, not reach out in anyway and just wait and see if he tried to contact me then?

[basil67]

So would everyone on here agree that I'm right to sit back, not reach out in anyway and just wait and see if he tried to contact me then?

 

No, I do not agree. I think you should accept no further contact from him.

[basil67]

I think that sounds like an excellent plan. BUT I also think you're being a little judgy. I have two boys who have been raised pretty similarly. Theyre five years apart in age. Until my second was old enough to really start asserting himself, I thought I was the best mom ever and couldn't believe how wild other parents let their kids get. I was judgy and naive. lol

 

Number two has given me a run for my money. He's awesome in all the ways that I really care about but he's just not gonna fall in line with normally parenting techniques, and definitely not easily like my first one did.

 

So he's got two kids. Sounds like one is fine and one is difficult. You choose to see him as a bad parent and give him no credit for the milder kid. You could just as easily have gone in the other direction. I am sure he feels your opinion about him and them.

 

I hear where you're coming from Greys. I too have seen very different kids come from the same household. Kids who don't respond to common sense parenting. My own house included. I try hard not to judge.

 

That said, I suspect that if your child was breaking another child's toys and both children were leaving all the stuff messy, you would understand some limits being placed on them. At least, I know I would. I'd be mortified if my child messed up another child's stuff.

[joseb]

A closet alcoholic with anger issues and different (bad in my view) parenting style...not sure why you would bother, OP

[BaileyB]

So would everyone on here agree that I'm right to sit back, not reach out in anyway and just wait and see if he tried to contact me then?

 

I would accept no further contact. Your primary responsibility is to your daughter, and it is not acceptable for you to allow her to be around this man...

[BaileyB]

 

If your child was breaking another child's toys and both children were leaving all the stuff messy, you would understand some limits being placed on them. At least, I know I would. I'd be mortified if my child messed up another child's stuff.

 

He should also pay to replace the toy his son broke. That is the responsible thing to do. It says so much that his response was to become defensive and throw a tantrum in this way...

[Arieswoman]

Ask yourself what exactly you're getting out of this "relationship" OP ?

[Lou1973]

Ask yourself what exactly you're getting out of this "relationship" OP ?

 

Yes he loves me and he shows it frequently by doing little things for me and spending lots of time with me and if it wasn't for his attitude and the way he handled himself over the weekend I would be reasonably happy. There are some areas that need improvements one being his communication and handling of conflict. Other than that he is affectionate, attentive and really good with my daughter. We are different there is no denying that, we don't think along the same lines where it counts all the time and we have had very different upbringings so there are certain areas where we clash because our values and morals can differ and unfortunately that creates a certain amount of incompatibility if your looking overall at the bigger picture. That does concern me...

[Arieswoman]

Lou1073,

 

Yes he loves me

Then your idea of "love" is skewed.

 

Cookiesanddough nails it here;

 

I don't think it's acceptable and I personally don't like it either, it's abusive, and abuse typically escalates whether it remains verbal or not. It doesn't typically go back or decline in frequency. If my bf was throwing F bombs at me in a serious manner I would be hitting the road because of this. You guys are dating 10 mo. The best is supposed to be in the beginning and you two are incompatible and fighting like a couple who have been together for years and wish they could be out

 

You need to think what exposing your child to all this dysfunction is doing to their psychological well-being.

 

and we have had very different upbringings so there are certain areas where we clash because our values and morals can differ and unfortunately that creates a certain amount of incompatibility if your looking overall at the bigger picture. That does concern me.

..

 

It should concern you because you are basically incompatible.

Edited January 2, 2018 by Arieswoman

[bachdude]

So would everyone on here agree that I'm right to sit back, not reach out in anyway and just wait and see if he tried to contact me then?

 

OP, you are softening. Don’t do it! Do you want your daughter to grow up with such a disfunctional man?

 

He can’t even keep the drama behind closed doors away from the kids. If he has issues regarding how you handle things, then he needs to keep it to himself in front of the kids and bring it up with you when you two are alone.

 

You sound like you have your life well put together. Why invite such disfunction into it? Your daughter will pay the biggest price.

[Lou1973]

Lou1073,

 

Then your idea of "love" is skewed.

 

Cookiesanddough nails it here;

 

 

 

You need to think what exposing your child to all this dysfunction is doing to their psychological well-being.

 

..

 

It should concern you because you are basically incompatible.

 

As an outsider looking in could you please list the incompatibilities you see?

[Lou1973]

OP, you are softening. Don’t do it! Do you want your daughter to grow up with such a disfunctional man?

 

He can’t even keep the drama behind closed doors away from the kids. If he has issues regarding how you handle things, then he needs to keep it to himself in front of the kids and bring it up with you when you two are alone.

 

You sound like you have your life well put together. Why invite such disfunction into it? Your daughter will pay the biggest price.

 

Yes you are right which is why I'm glad I am strong enough to keep my distance and have zero contact for the last 3 days. It has given me a chance to really think seriously about all this and although I do love him it's not the right reason to stay with him. I will be very honest here when I say that since getting back together with 3 weeks ago it just hasn't felt the same for me this time sadly. I feel like something is missing like the bond is not as strong on my end and the intensity of my desire to want to be with him is lacking somewhat and it's for this very reason I have not bothered contacting him since he went home, I love him but it's just not like it was when we first get together 10 months ago. You could probably say that the glass now has a crack in it and it can never be the same. Makes me sad because he admitted that he realises just how much he loves me this time round.

[Arieswoman]

Lou1973,

 

You yourself said ;

 

and we have had very different upbringings so there are certain areas where we clash because our values and morals can differ and unfortunately that creates a certain amount of incompatibility if your looking overall at the bigger picture. That does concern me...

Yoiu are trying to build a relatiosnhip with a alchoholic who has only been "dry" for 4 weeks (that you know of).

 

Most AA groups recommend that attendees don't get any relationship until they have been sober for a year.

[bachdude]

Yes you are right which is why I'm glad I am strong enough to keep my distance and have zero contact for the last 3 days. It has given me a chance to really think seriously about all this and although I do love him it's not the right reason to stay with him. I will be very honest here when I say that since getting back together with 3 weeks ago it just hasn't felt the same for me this time sadly. I feel like something is missing like the bond is not as strong on my end and the intensity of my desire to want to be with him is lacking somewhat and it's for this very reason I have not bothered contacting him since he went home, I love him but it's just not like it was when we first get together 10 months ago. You could probably say that the glass now has a crack in it and it can never be the same. Makes me sad because he admitted that he realises just how much he loves me this time round.

 

Stay strong, OP!

 

Imagine living with his behavior on a daily basis. Now imagine if he starts hitting the bottle again on top of everything else. If he has an anger problem now, imagine when he is drunk! Will he hit your daughter? You’ll wish you had the power to turn back the clock.

 

Right now, thank goodness, it’s all a hypothetical. Keep,it that way, OP!

[Lou1973]

Stay strong, OP!

 

Imagine living with his behavior on a daily basis. Now imagine if he starts hitting the bottle again on top of everything else. If he has an anger problem now, imagine when he is drunk! Will he hit your daughter? You’ll wish you had the power to turn back the clock.

 

Right now, thank goodness, it’s all a hypothetical. Keep,it that way, OP!

 

Well yes it seems you are right

[JuneL]

Many alcoholics also have anger issues: the two are interrelated. You shouldn't have gotten back with him until he's been sober for a few months at least. Such drama is exactly the reason people always advise against mingling your children until you're sure the relationship would be long term. I bet a lot of the stuff happen in front of these 3 innocent small kids, who probably have to endure the trauma of their parents divorce.

 

He did not drink or smoke in the house around my daughter. He was doing most of his drinking behind my back, I had no idea he had this issue going on until the end when his behaviour and priorities started changing. In the end I confronted him, asked him a bunch of questions and then ended things. I certainly wouldn't want that going on in my daughters life so I am a good role model for my child. She can see that I stand up for myself and don't take any bull****.