I'm not ready for a relationship right now...

[no2days]

I would say dating and relationships are a delicate balance of advocating for your best interests and taking a leap of faith. You mentioned above not having asked enough questions in the past. If you mean that literally, i would take it with a grain of salt, pretty much. People say on this site all the time when they are coming here with "having been duped" etc that "he said this or that on his profile" or "we discussed this in the beginning and he knew what I wanted", which is why the talk doesn't really matter...the actions do and people STILL change their minds in the course of dating all the time. You can not "negotiate" all the terms up front in a relationship by announcing them. I would say to accept that a relationship is a living, breathing thing and is fluid in that it changes and you have to nourish it and keep your eye on it and still there are no guarantees. Once you accept that you may get your heart hurt but still enjoy taking the chance or want to anyway, you will be more open to finding it.

 

I think it's good to take a dating break sometimes (or at least seeking a serious relationship!). Have some fun; learn to date from a different mindset, with different expectations and take some pressure off yourself. Sometimes the best time to do that is not that long after a heartbreak because you don't want it so much--well as long as you are not the jump back into a relationship type (which you said you have a tendency to do). The hard thing to do IMO is to take time off and then be full-on with expectations and hope when you are really ready yourself--but the dating world will still be the same--some people with honest intentions and some with confused intentions, etc. So it can be better to "learn" when you don't care so much rather than come back in 6 months and consider yourself a failure if the first guy you really like when trying again doesn't reciprocate. Idk, just my opinion.

 

I think that personal growth (therapy, learning better communication skills, learning about the opposite sex) of all sorts can be good and BEST if you are able to put it into PRACTICE while learning about yourself. So to take yourself off the table or kinda convince yourself that something is "wrong" with you in dating creates a mentality that I think people will tend to repeat or get stuck on IMO. There is something in psychology (forgot what it's called) where you have to "expose" yourself to the risks and things that scare you or cause you to shut down rather than run from them and try to mentally straighten things all out in your head and then be woefully disappointed and negatively reinforce the negative personal thoughts about you in your head when you do try again and have a disappointing result. So that's why I think doing a bit of self-growth (via therapy, books, introspection, whatever) AND continued to experience that part of life (in balance of course and taking little risks that amount to bigger risks that you are more comfortable with) is best. I know I'm not using the right terminology but i did get an A+ in psychology haha so I stand by the approach

 

Btw, you can't discount that sometimes DESPITE doing everything right and being a wonderful person sometimes the other person just won't feel you are compatible with them. When you shore up your self-esteem and make peace with that you kinda can get to this place where you are glad that you didn't pursue it further if that's how the person thinks because you know there will be someone more suited to you and what a shame that this person doesn't appreciate you as you are. No blame, just that something better is out there for you. If you keep dating, and kinda analyzing your results or your friends etc you will see that sometimes guys (or girls) make illogical and not the best decisions, not picking the best person on the table or even for them (they may have hangups which you may or may not learn about in retrospect; they may be searching for a different set of dominant traits; you may have dodged a bullet; or you may just be incompatible and they realized it before you did). You got this--don't beat yourself up. Goodluck!

 

You're right. There are no guarantees in life, especially when it comes to dating. So many variables need to match up for things to even get off the ground. I just think I need to pump the brakes for now, because by going back in so soon, I may unintentionally use the same brush to paint the potential men that I meet. That's not fair either. If I'm looking at a guy and wondering, "I wonder how long it takes for him to break my heart" then it means it's best that I dial back, but I understand what you're saying. Doing so would also mean absolutely no expectations. I just don't think I'm there yet and I'm a lot less interesting when I'm like this. I don't regret asking him about the state of our relationship. Who knows, but it probably would have unraveled the same way, just maybe later on. I wouldn't have had prior knowledge about it and would have been even more blindsided.

 

BTW - How much do you charge??? Sorta not joking. I'm getting a 360* view on things from your posts and it's making me a little less miserable. I was talking to another friend of mine and she was all, "He probably has another woman! He changed his mind! Screw him!" She meant well, but anyone that's been on the receiving end knows it's not so easy to just say screw it and move on.

[Versacehottie]

You're right. There are no guarantees in life, especially when it comes to dating. So many variables need to match up for things to even get off the ground. I just think I need to pump the brakes for now, because by going back in so soon, I may unintentionally use the same brush to paint the potential men that I meet. That's not fair either. If I'm looking at a guy and wondering, "I wonder how long it takes for him to break my heart" then it means it's best that I dial back, but I understand what you're saying. Doing so would also mean absolutely no expectations. I just don't think I'm there yet and I'm a lot less interesting when I'm like this. I don't regret asking him about the state of our relationship. Who knows, but it probably would have unraveled the same way, just maybe later on. I wouldn't have had prior knowledge about it and would have been even more blindsided.

 

BTW - How much do you charge??? Sorta not joking. I'm getting a 360* view on things from your posts and it's making me a little less miserable. I was talking to another friend of mine and she was all, "He probably has another woman! He changed his mind! Screw him!" She meant well, but anyone that's been on the receiving end knows it's not so easy to just say screw it and move on.

 

Yeah i definitely not wanting to advise that you try too soon for you. And it does sound like you really know (and for the right reasons) why it's not the thing for you to do right now. totally understand. And there definitely is a different tone to your posts rather than get bitter and burned (and almost set yourself up for sure failure or characterizing it as failure) vs actively going to use the break to get yourself in a better position to succeed next time. And by success, I don't necessarily mean, a relationship that works out mostly on your terms or even the guy of your dreams, but an experience where you 'get' something from it and can walk away with some growth that will serve you in the pursuit of a great relationship and the best you.

 

I always try to look for a silver lining, especially in things where there may be a tendency to blame yourself or feel like you were not enough. Those happen all the time to almost all of us--the people who navigate life the best are able to qualify these setbacks or "failures" in a way that propels them forward rather than FURTHER stifles them. It may seem silly at first (much needed humor at times of disappointment) but try to come up with some reasons why you are glad it didn't work out with him. How you characterize the events in your life make a huge difference in how your life will "be" in your head and how long it takes to conquer a setback or realize it wasn't one at all. On the surface, i could say about yours, well it only took 3 months so it didn't waste much of your time; you will start 2018 with a clean slate even if you find it disappointing now that will help your momentum and timing for the year; and you've been exposed to this excuse that people give which has you thinking and shoring up your self-worth. I think people who face a disappointment get to a crossroads of sorts and while it seems negative now, this could be totally helpful in the long run. Also when you meet the right guy for you, you will be able to look back and be thankful it didn't work out with this one (or even if it is this guy, that it didn't work out at this time in your lives).

 

I'd be careful with the oft-used "it must be some other girl". I think that can build a distrust of men which is a slippery slope for future relationships and dings your self-confidence sometime irreparably. Keep your eyes open. Sometimes even when it IS another girl, you will discover that she is actually NOT better than you in any way (on paper, in accomplishments, in looks, in personality). If you aren't able to do this with your past relationships, look at friends relationships and you will find evidence that often supports what i'm saying. So don't really open this can of worms and put some girl on a pedestal as "she won him over me". A lot of guys pick girls that make them feel comfortable for various reasons, reasons perhaps that you wouldn't want to lower your own personal standards of who you want to be. The right guy will appreciate you for who you are.

 

And yeah, my personal belief with discussing heartbreak with friends is to be careful who you choose to discuss it with. You want someone who has a measured and reasonable approach--there is no reason with your broken and vulnerable heart to take on someone else's neuroses and insecurities and negative viewpoints while you are really searching for answers. tell one or two of you close friends and don't wallow too much.

[no2days]

Yeah i definitely not wanting to advise that you try too soon for you. And it does sound like you really know (and for the right reasons) why it's not the thing for you to do right now. totally understand. And there definitely is a different tone to your posts rather than get bitter and burned (and almost set yourself up for sure failure or characterizing it as failure) vs actively going to use the break to get yourself in a better position to succeed next time. And by success, I don't necessarily mean, a relationship that works out mostly on your terms or even the guy of your dreams, but an experience where you 'get' something from it and can walk away with some growth that will serve you in the pursuit of a great relationship and the best you.

 

I always try to look for a silver lining, especially in things where there may be a tendency to blame yourself or feel like you were not enough. Those happen all the time to almost all of us--the people who navigate life the best are able to qualify these setbacks or "failures" in a way that propels them forward rather than FURTHER stifles them. It may seem silly at first (much needed humor at times of disappointment) but try to come up with some reasons why you are glad it didn't work out with him. How you characterize the events in your life make a huge difference in how your life will "be" in your head and how long it takes to conquer a setback or realize it wasn't one at all. On the surface, i could say about yours, well it only took 3 months so it didn't waste much of your time; you will start 2018 with a clean slate even if you find it disappointing now that will help your momentum and timing for the year; and you've been exposed to this excuse that people give which has you thinking and shoring up your self-worth. I think people who face a disappointment get to a crossroads of sorts and while it seems negative now, this could be totally helpful in the long run. Also when you meet the right guy for you, you will be able to look back and be thankful it didn't work out with this one (or even if it is this guy, that it didn't work out at this time in your lives).

 

I'd be careful with the oft-used "it must be some other girl". I think that can build a distrust of men which is a slippery slope for future relationships and dings your self-confidence sometime irreparably. Keep your eyes open. Sometimes even when it IS another girl, you will discover that she is actually NOT better than you in any way (on paper, in accomplishments, in looks, in personality). If you aren't able to do this with your past relationships, look at friends relationships and you will find evidence that often supports what i'm saying. So don't really open this can of worms and put some girl on a pedestal as "she won him over me". A lot of guys pick girls that make them feel comfortable for various reasons, reasons perhaps that you wouldn't want to lower your own personal standards of who you want to be. The right guy will appreciate you for who you are.

 

And yeah, my personal belief with discussing heartbreak with friends is to be careful who you choose to discuss it with. You want someone who has a measured and reasonable approach--there is no reason with your broken and vulnerable heart to take on someone else's neuroses and insecurities and negative viewpoints while you are really searching for answers. tell one or two of you close friends and don't wallow too much.

 

I've looked back at past relationships where I was dumped, and yeah, it is hard to not think I wasn't enough. I can think of one example of an ex that dumped me, only to marry a woman with model good looks a few months later. I couldn't even really be mad the first time I saw her. From the outside looking in, it seems like he upgraded but who's to say it's perfect? I guess no one. Sometimes it feels like my superpower or that I'm the launching pad for guys to meet the girl of their dreams. But then I think back - he was divorced, had a baby out of wedlock from another woman in his early 20s, then married another woman in less than 6 months after we broke up, and so his baggage is at full capacity. Don't think I would have wanted to get involved in that after all. At the time of the breakup though, the rose colored glasses were glued on and it was a lot harder to see that.

 

Do you have any books that you'd recommend on psychology or otherwise? Seems like you are well read or at least have experience with seeing the silver lining. I've watched videos from dating "coaches" and a lot of them just advocate to tip toe around men - must be a,b,c and be careful not to do x,y, z so he doesn't feel threatened and will see how worthy of a suitor you are. Must choose your words carefully and almost use a passive aggressive approach, but also have higher standards. At times it's very contradicting.

[lana-banana]

I've watched videos from dating "coaches" and a lot of them just advocate to tip toe around men - must be a,b,c and be careful not to do x,y, z so he doesn't feel threatened and will see how worthy of a suitor you are. Must choose your words carefully and almost use a passive aggressive approach, but also have higher standards. At times it's very contradicting.

 

This is terrible advice. Men (worthwhile men, anyway) aren't dimwits who need to be tricked or cajoled into commitment. When you meet someone who's genuinely interested, he'll pursue you and make you a priority because he wants to, not because of whatever manipulation you attempted. You didn't do anything wrong with this guy and there wasn't anything you could have done differently. He wasn't feeling it, and that's okay.

 

I know you're hurting but resist the urge to over-intellectualize your pain. No amount of psychology or research will change the reality of the situation. Finding a serious connection with someone is hard! Just because he didn't want something more with you doesn't make you something less. You are already a wonderful, special, complete human. You yourself are enough. You deserve nothing short of a partner who wants to build a life with you.

 

Always be yourself, and have confidence in that self. If someone can know you and decide they feel better off without you, you don't want them in your life! The man of your dreams won't have to be talked into a serious relationship. He will put you first because he wants to. And you will find him not by compromising your values or desires, but being unapologetically yourself.

[Cookiesandough]

Because I wasn't interested in a relationship at that moment. I was more interested in devoting my time to Dragon Age Inquistion

[no2days]

This is terrible advice. Men (worthwhile men, anyway) aren't dimwits who need to be tricked or cajoled into commitment. When you meet someone who's genuinely interested, he'll pursue you and make you a priority because he wants to, not because of whatever manipulation you attempted. You didn't do anything wrong with this guy and there wasn't anything you could have done differently. He wasn't feeling it, and that's okay.

 

I know you're hurting but resist the urge to over-intellectualize your pain. No amount of psychology or research will change the reality of the situation. Finding a serious connection with someone is hard! Just because he didn't want something more with you doesn't make you something less. You are already a wonderful, special, complete human. You yourself are enough. You deserve nothing short of a partner who wants to build a life with you.

 

Always be yourself, and have confidence in that self. If someone can know you and decide they feel better off without you, you don't want them in your life! The man of your dreams won't have to be talked into a serious relationship. He will put you first because he wants to. And you will find him not by compromising your values or desires, but being unapologetically yourself.

 

 

This was the video I was referring to. Basically, he is suggesting that, we as women, should encourage the guy (who's not ready for a relationship) to go out and accomplish his goals but to also set our standards.

[Versacehottie]

I've looked back at past relationships where I was dumped, and yeah, it is hard to not think I wasn't enough. I can think of one example of an ex that dumped me, only to marry a woman with model good looks a few months later. I couldn't even really be mad the first time I saw her. From the outside looking in, it seems like he upgraded but who's to say it's perfect? I guess no one. Sometimes it feels like my superpower or that I'm the launching pad for guys to meet the girl of their dreams. But then I think back - he was divorced, had a baby out of wedlock from another woman in his early 20s, then married another woman in less than 6 months after we broke up, and so his baggage is at full capacity. Don't think I would have wanted to get involved in that after all. At the time of the breakup though, the rose colored glasses were glued on and it was a lot harder to see that.

 

Do you have any books that you'd recommend on psychology or otherwise? Seems like you are well read or at least have experience with seeing the silver lining. I've watched videos from dating "coaches" and a lot of them just advocate to tip toe around men - must be a,b,c and be careful not to do x,y, z so he doesn't feel threatened and will see how worthy of a suitor you are. Must choose your words carefully and almost use a passive aggressive approach, but also have higher standards. At times it's very contradicting.

 

I will try to think of some books. I think you have to take the nuggets from everywhere (books, sites, anecdotes, and experiences) and see what holds water and what doesn't. It's a bits and pieces thing IMO vs one magic book or site. Some speak to you and work for you while others won't even if they are valuable for someone else. And in spite my wordiness (!!!), I think simple can tend to be better. But it's hard to see/do that when you are still learning. Tip toe around anyone is no good really. That's why some of the communication stuff you might learn in a book (not specifically about romantic relationships) is helpful.

 

I think sometimes you need to simplify things with your relationship to guys and come from a place of stating what you want not being afraid to do that. Yes you need to get timing and tone right but you can drive yourself crazy trying to get the content and execution perfect when the important part is to have the self-esteem just to come from your point of view always and think that you are stating your wishes so that you can see if you will be on the same page with the guy. My favorite thing to say on here is not to jump to the end. You cannot want a bf or a specific guy more than going through the steps along the way to see if you actually match up and are on the same page. And pretty much what you need to do to go through those steps is to have self-esteem, communicate and be flexible toward the other person to an extent (not to get a guy at any cost but to treat the other person with mutual respect that you expect). Once you truly feel like this you can approach things with much more personal strength.

Edited January 2, 2018 by Versacehottie

[she'stheone]

Please be kind.

 

Looking for experience/stories from all angles - whether you weren't ready and only realized you were after some time, whether you continued seeing each other casually but dated others, or whether it didn't work out and you both moved on, etc.

 

Hi no2days,

 

Without knowing you or your man it's hard to say.

 

While I would agree with most, that "I'm not read" usually means "I'm not ready...with you", I would also tell you, that's not always the case.

 

With my girlfriend who I love, am living with and is my soulmate, I told her I wasn't ready when we first began dating (she wasn't either). It had nothing to do with her, in fact, I was in love with her from the very beginning.

 

I simply wasn't ready, due to my life status at the time (recently divorced single dad not ready to have a serious relationship with anyone...yet)

 

That was more than 1 1/2 years ago. We both had our reasons. We kept things casual and moved forward ever so slowly until we were both ready. She then moved in with me and our relationship continues to grow stronger and better every day.

 

You need to look at the whole relationship and the signs up to the point the "I'm not ready" statement was made.

 

Yes, it's possible that he's just not ready and more often than not, he's not ready with the person he's with.

 

Sending you much love and light

[no2days]

Hi no2days,

 

Without knowing you or your man it's hard to say.

 

While I would agree with most, that "I'm not read" usually means "I'm not ready...with you", I would also tell you, that's not always the case.

 

With my girlfriend who I love, am living with and is my soulmate, I told her I wasn't ready when we first began dating (she wasn't either). It had nothing to do with her, in fact, I was in love with her from the very beginning.

 

I simply wasn't ready, due to my life status at the time (recently divorced single dad not ready to have a serious relationship with anyone...yet)

 

That was more than 1 1/2 years ago. We both had our reasons. We kept things casual and moved forward ever so slowly until we were both ready. She then moved in with me and our relationship continues to grow stronger and better every day.

 

You need to look at the whole relationship and the signs up to the point the "I'm not ready" statement was made.

 

Yes, it's possible that he's just not ready and more often than not, he's not ready with the person he's with.

 

Sending you much love and light

 

His current life status is up in the air. It's even more tricky because he wants to move within the next few months. The situation might have been salvageable if it was a case of needing more time for feelings to develop -- such as your case; needed more time rather than space. He did not express that he needs more time, but that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. When I asked for clarification, he said he was a "mess". When I asked for further explanation he didn't want to say.

 

When we first started dating, he mentioned that he was going to be very careful getting into his next relationship, because he had a really bad experience with his ex. We hadn't been in contact the past few days, but he did send a Happy New Year text to which I replied. At this point, I think the smart thing to do (and what everyone on here keeps advocating) is to stop initiating and put a little distance between us. He said we could hang out again some time this week. In the past I would have tried to confirm plans, and even try to make things special, but I think I've learned my lesson and will no longer try to win his approval or attention with extra effort when he clearly said he's not ready. We can meet and have fun when time allows it, but I'll no longer make it priority.

[Versacehottie]

His current life status is up in the air. It's even more tricky because he wants to move within the next few months. The situation might have been salvageable if it was a case of needing more time for feelings to develop -- such as your case; needed more time rather than space. He did not express that he needs more time, but that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. When I asked for clarification, he said he was a "mess". When I asked for further explanation he didn't want to say.

 

When we first started dating, he mentioned that he was going to be very careful getting into his next relationship, because he had a really bad experience with his ex. We hadn't been in contact the past few days, but he did send a Happy New Year text to which I replied. At this point, I think the smart thing to do (and what everyone on here keeps advocating) is to stop initiating and put a little distance between us. He said we could hang out again some time this week. In the past I would have tried to confirm plans, and even try to make things special, but I think I've learned my lesson and will no longer try to win his approval or attention with extra effort when he clearly said he's not ready. We can meet and have fun when time allows it, but I'll no longer make it priority.

 

Sounds like a pretty good plan. You just have to be careful. It's kind of rare that a girl can keep seeing a guy--however sparsely and non-prioritized--that's really the guy she wants and keep her emotional distance. So make sure you don't do everything on his terms, don't let him put you in a waiting pattern, which can easily happen.

 

I think it's perfect to not initiate. I would take it a step further and only meet up with him if it suits your (full!!!) schedule. You've got to make it crystal clear to him that you are moving on even though you have no ill will toward him. I mean also put him in the friend zone since he cannot offer you more at this time.

 

BTW, with his life circumstance it sounds like he isn't ready for anyone. Sounds like his career and living situation might be up in the air. It would probably serve you both to take him at his word and trust that if it's meant to be romantically he will find his way back into your life.

[no2days]

Sounds like a pretty good plan. You just have to be careful. It's kind of rare that a girl can keep seeing a guy--however sparsely and non-prioritized--that's really the guy she wants and keep her emotional distance. So make sure you don't do everything on his terms, don't let him put you in a waiting pattern, which can easily happen.

 

I think it's perfect to not initiate. I would take it a step further and only meet up with him if it suits your (full!!!) schedule. You've got to make it crystal clear to him that you are moving on even though you have no ill will toward him. I mean also put him in the friend zone since he cannot offer you more at this time.

 

BTW, with his life circumstance it sounds like he isn't ready for anyone. Sounds like his career and living situation might be up in the air. It would probably serve you both to take him at his word and trust that if it's meant to be romantically he will find his way back into your life.

 

I was definitely put in a waiting pattern the past month -- even though we were supposed to be casual, it started to frustrate me, both because of the flakiness and my willingness to accommodate his schedule. We're pretty comfortable around each other, so in my mind I thought, why wouldn't someone want to be around me given the chance?

 

That's a good distinction and something I should keep in mind. I don't get overly upset when a friend needs to cancel plans. I'm much more understanding, but that's also because I realize they will be there for me when I need it, so I don't have to win their approval.

Edited January 2, 2018 by no2days

[Versacehottie]

I was definitely put in a waiting pattern the past month -- even though we were supposed to be casual, it started to frustrate me, both because of the flakiness and my willingness to accommodate his schedule. We're pretty comfortable around each other, so in my mind I thought, why wouldn't someone want to be around me given the chance?

 

That's a good distinction and something I should keep in mind. I don't get overly upset when a friend needs to cancel plans. I'm much more understanding, but that's also because I realize they will be there for me when I need it, so I don't have to win their approval.

 

yeah it can be hard to recalibrate your expectations and all the while be looking for "signs" that he's going to change his mind and step up, fall back in love. It might sound a little cruel but I probably wouldn't see him for a while--like a few months. I think he might disappoint you more by having you "waiting" for this potential see each other this week and he has no real urgency to see it through--at least not immediately. I think people who are understanding and flexible in general need to make a clearer statement of what the current status is so the message is "heard".

 

Plus you have to give him a bit of time to concentrate on sorting out his stuff. IMO&E, guys need some decent job stability before they are going to embark on a relationship in a good way--well good guys. They are good at compartmentalizing that stuff and good reason for it--they process differently. Also if you take what he said about previous relationship, one might speculate that he couldn't match his ex's expectations BECAUSE he was not in right frame of mind, stable in the rest of his life. It's fair of him not to want to revisit that on you/next person. Actually that's the kind of stuff that makes me think he may be more serious about you than it would seem on the surface--however, like I said posts ago, the prescription is the same, whatever the reason is. Take some space. Move on with your life & make it vibrant and full. If he wants back in, he will try.

[no2days]

yeah it can be hard to recalibrate your expectations and all the while be looking for "signs" that he's going to change his mind and step up, fall back in love. It might sound a little cruel but I probably wouldn't see him for a while--like a few months. I think he might disappoint you more by having you "waiting" for this potential see each other this week and he has no real urgency to see it through--at least not immediately. I think people who are understanding and flexible in general need to make a clearer statement of what the current status is so the message is "heard".

 

Plus you have to give him a bit of time to concentrate on sorting out his stuff. IMO&E, guys need some decent job stability before they are going to embark on a relationship in a good way--well good guys. They are good at compartmentalizing that stuff and good reason for it--they process differently. Also if you take what he said about previous relationship, one might speculate that he couldn't match his ex's expectations BECAUSE he was not in right frame of mind, stable in the rest of his life. It's fair of him not to want to revisit that on you/next person. Actually that's the kind of stuff that makes me think he may be more serious about you than it would seem on the surface--however, like I said posts ago, the prescription is the same, whatever the reason is. Take some space. Move on with your life & make it vibrant and full. If he wants back in, he will try.

 

If we are to see each other soon, would you suggest we just enjoy the moment or should either one of us clear up anything on our ends? I'm leaning towards to former because all of this back and forth might put too much pressure on an already uncertain situation.

 

According to him, it was his ex's doing that broke them apart. She was quite obsessive from the beginning, and did things that made him question her stability. She manipulated him and managed to push herself into his social circle. Whether he likes it or not, she's still a part of his life now that they know all of the same people. I can see from that standpoint why he'd be cautious going forward. That's part of the reason I never took offense that he didn't immediately want to introduce me, although he did mention to his friends about me and our dates. By the same token, I won't introduce a guy I'm dating to friends or family until we're serious.

Edited January 2, 2018 by no2days

[lana-banana]

I think you are really overthinking this. He told you he doesn't want to have a relationship with you; in his mind, any future hangouts will be friendly or sex-only with no expectations of anything more. If you can't handle that, you need to stay out of his way for however long it takes.

[staggerlee71]

I think you are really overthinking this. He told you he doesn't want to have a relationship with you; in his mind, any future hangouts will be friendly or sex-only with no expectations of anything more. If you can't handle that, you need to stay out of his way for however long it takes.

 

This right here.

 

Whats happening here is he gave you the impression that he wanted something deeper. So you believed him. You are a transitional partner for him. its a sort of unconscious situation. THEN He likes you, but told you he cant meet your needs. That's respect. I know it feels like he used you or lied but he was going along until he realized"oh ****e, she has an expectation, a need, I'm unsure I can do it"

 

So he did what respectful peeps do. He told you he is NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. When it started, he thought he was, but he knows he isn't now. not for this one.

 

You came at a time that was purposeful, to help him, unknowingly to you.

Here is the silver lining. You are good enough, awesome enough, to capture the desire of a guy who didn't know he had nothing in the tank for a relationship. This means your close, close to being that great partner

[No_Go]

If we are to see each other soon, would you suggest we just enjoy the moment or should either one of us clear up anything on our ends? I'm leaning towards to former because all of this back and forth might put too much pressure on an already uncertain situation.

 

According to him, it was his ex's doing that broke them apart. She was quite obsessive from the beginning, and did things that made him question her stability. She manipulated him and managed to push herself into his social circle. Whether he likes it or not, she's still a part of his life now that they know all of the same people. I can see from that standpoint why he'd be cautious going forward. That's part of the reason I never took offense that he didn't immediately want to introduce me, although he did mention to his friends about me and our dates. By the same token, I won't introduce a guy I'm dating to friends or family until we're serious.

 

Just don’t pressure him. Go slowly and methodically. He wants to see you = he IS interested.

 

Now, this guy is not for gaming ‘ring ASAP or else!’. There are uncertanties, he need to get his other stuff done first, it can take time (years). But unless you’re impatient or in a rush for some reason, what do you have to lose?

[no2days]

I think you are really overthinking this. He told you he doesn't want to have a relationship with you; in his mind, any future hangouts will be friendly or sex-only with no expectations of anything more. If you can't handle that, you need to stay out of his way for however long it takes.

 

I think I'm still in the early stages of grief? This post is like an outlet for me, to air my grievances while learning to move on with my life. I will admit that the past few days have been a bit better, to read everyone's advice, and it's finally starting to hit me that life isn't stopping - it's still going on all around me. I'm slowly weaning off checking my phone for updates and haven't wanted to initiate for something more. I may be slow to catch up, but I'm gathering myself, doing a lot of self reflection, and seeking out therapy so I can talk it out until I'm tired of talking about it.

[no2days]

This right here.

 

Whats happening here is he gave you the impression that he wanted something deeper. So you believed him. You are a transitional partner for him. its a sort of unconscious situation. THEN He likes you, but told you he cant meet your needs. That's respect. I know it feels like he used you or lied but he was going along until he realized"oh ****e, she has an expectation, a need, I'm unsure I can do it"

 

So he did what respectful peeps do. He told you he is NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. When it started, he thought he was, but he knows he isn't now. not for this one.

 

You came at a time that was purposeful, to help him, unknowingly to you.

Here is the silver lining. You are good enough, awesome enough, to capture the desire of a guy who didn't know he had nothing in the tank for a relationship. This means your close, close to being that great partner

 

Thank you.

[JuneL]

So this guy is a medical student (not yet an MD), and will be a resident in a few months? Even if he's matched with a program in a location close to you, his schedule will make dating and maintaining a relationship very difficult, if not impossible. You need to be very independent and don't mind spend a lot of time by yourself and patiently work around his demanding schedule during those few years.

[lana-banana]

I think I'm still in the early stages of grief? This post is like an outlet for me, to air my grievances while learning to move on with my life. I will admit that the past few days have been a bit better, to read everyone's advice, and it's finally starting to hit me that life isn't stopping - it's still going on all around me. I'm slowly weaning off checking my phone for updates and haven't wanted to initiate for something more. I may be slow to catch up, but I'm gathering myself, doing a lot of self reflection, and seeking out therapy so I can talk it out until I'm tired of talking about it.

 

Be kind to yourself. It's very common, especially for younger women, to be in a kind of denial following rejection. They hear "I don't want to date you, but we can still hang out" as "I might date you eventually". It's so hard to accept that you've been demoted to a friend or, worse, a casual sex partner. So many good women spend months or even years trying to extort relationships from men who don't actually want them, Lord knows I did once. This is why people advocate for NC: it breaks the hold they have over you. It makes you realize how much of the world exists beyond your personal drama, as you are now.

 

But the thing is---someone who actually wants to date you won't let you go. They won't scale back or tell you to lower your expectations. They will want to be with you and you'll be the first to know it. When you meet someone who is as crazy for you as you are for them, it'll rock your world.

 

You sound like you're coping pretty well to me. Schedule a spa day or something nice for yourself, grab some fancy healthy food, and prepare to kick butt this year.

[No_Go]

Again - if he is in touch in any shape or form, he is interested. As friend, wifey, mistress, muse or FWB - doesn’t matter. All that we know is that he IS interested, and confused.

 

OP - if you are in a rush - it’s not your guy. If not - practice patience and you can land on something real.

 

P.S. I rejected once a man I was MADLY interested in. It was 2008. Now is 2018. I’m still interested in him. So much for if one thinks the person is ‘Tha one’ they won’t let them go ???

[no2days]

Again - if he is in touch in any shape or form, he is interested. As friend, wifey, mistress, muse or FWB - doesn’t matter. All that we know is that he IS interested, and confused.

 

OP - if you are in a rush - it’s not your guy. If not - practice patience and you can land on something real.

 

P.S. I rejected once a man I was MADLY interested in. It was 2008. Now is 2018. I’m still interested in him. So much for if one thinks the person is ‘Tha one’ they won’t let them go

 

No, I'm not in a rush. I'm actually going through a transitional period myself (although I wouldn't have called him a transitional partner at the time, as someone else mentioned). If I was looking to get married or have kids soon, then yes I'd agree there was a man out there better suited for me.

 

May I ask what has happened in the 10 years between you and that man? Are you together now?

[No_Go]

No, I'm not in a rush. I'm actually going through a transitional period myself (although I wouldn't have called him a transitional partner at the time, as someone else mentioned). If I was looking to get married or have kids soon, then yes I'd agree there was a man out there better suited for me.

 

May I ask what has happened in the 10 years between you and that man? Are you together now?

 

Yeah - I think that is it. Determine your own goals. If you want marriage/kids - you won't get it from this guy. Even if he didn't pull back: my good friend's BF is a medical resident (neurosurgery - which is 7 bloody years of residency), they live together but nevertheless they see each other once a week if that (he's out at 4 am, goes back late at night and goes straight to bed). She's 34 so running out of time for kids and it's crushing her.

 

But if you are in a transition as you said - you have nothing to lose. In transitional moments I think people crave intimacy but if it materializes - it is coming with lots of negative consequences.

 

For my big infatuation: unfortunately nothing happened. I left the country, started dating others, he even married and divorced in the meanwhile. We still talk occasionally and the chemistry haven't changed a notch. But in any case - he'll stay in the box 'muse' and first unrequited love for me. He impacted me a lot so it was well worth it.

[JuneL]

P.S. I rejected once a man I was MADLY interested in. It was 2008. Now is 2018. I’m still interested in him. So much for if one thinks the person is ‘Tha one’ they won’t let them go

 

In what sense did you reject this man? Did he want a relationship and you didn't? I noticed that you used unrequited love in another post. In the OP's case, she did want a relationship, not just some casual fling.

[No_Go]

In what sense did you reject this man? Did he want a relationship and you didn't? I noticed that you used unrequited love in another post. In the OP's case, she did want a relationship, not just some casual fling.

 

I was running the hills every time he'd suggest anything that I'd consider relationship-y. We'll go on lunches and walks but I considered them just very intimate friendship so it was okay with me

 

He eventually got tired of it and found a GF in another country who was pregnant in a snap, they were married for few years and had 2 kids. So it turned very unrequited in the end...

 

But hell it is not comparable to OP in any case because I was young (well mid 20s but with kid's naive mind) and virgin and had no idea how to date let alone being in a relationship