I just destroyed another engagement

[Sanman]

Sorry I don’t agree with this. Some people do. Never a man hitting a woman mind you.

 

Curious to hear why you don't agree the idea that it is not right to hit anyone. If you think women should hit men, that is certainly sexist and stupid. Hit someone(anyone) else at the risk of losing your own life. Hit someone bigger and they may just snap and hit you back harder. Being small is no excuse for a lack of self control.

 

To the OP, I agree with what others have said, you say you have worked through your issues. However, present circumstances disagree with your assessment. Healing is a lifelong process. Work through it with a professional. You may need to be more aware in your next relationship of continuing to work through issues as you progress in your relationship to avoid repeating this pattern. There is a reason you won't allow yourself to be happy.

[AlteredStarrling]

I haven't read all the responses just your post. My take is you have strong emotions that you need to learn to control. You may have a mental health issue underlying it. But violence is never ok, and not knowing where it comes from says you were out of control with wanting to prove your point.

I agree there is never a good excuse to get violent except in self-defense, which this wasn't the case and for that I can't be in any relationship at this point.

I'm coming to an understanding where it's coming from and it's among the various things I've listed on my previous post. Though none of that excuses it just like it didn't excuse my past cheating.

 

I must admit there is something worrying me at this moment. I'm currently 30 years old and clearly not getting any younger. I would love to form a family one day but have to solve my issues at a faster pace. I can't take too long.

[AlteredStarrling]

Curious to hear why you don't agree the idea that it is not right to hit anyone. If you think women should hit men, that is certainly sexist and stupid. Hit someone(anyone) else at the risk of losing your own life. Hit someone bigger and they may just snap and hit you back harder. Being small is no excuse for a lack of self control.

Indeed it's not ok to hit anyone. I'm shocked there still exist sexism towards violence.

I must say I'm not really a small woman; 5'9 while he's 6ft.

To the OP, I agree with what others have said, you say you have worked through your issues. However, present circumstances disagree with your assessment. Healing is a lifelong process. Work through it with a professional. You may need to be more aware in your next relationship of continuing to work through issues as you progress in your relationship to avoid repeating this pattern. There is a reason you won't allow yourself to be happy.

I just hope to one day really settle down and have kids. I'm already 30 years old and this worries me.

[AlteredStarrling]

Have you spoken to a mental health professional about this? They may be able to offer help that we can't.

 

Wishing you all the best.

I'll be booking up an appointment shortly after New Year. Thank you Elswyth.

 

I'm afraid I disappoint my parents again. I've received the great scolding of my life back then in 2013 for the cheating. This time, they just shook their heads in silence.

[sdraw108]

Stay positive. You sound fairly capable of self-reflection and learning from mistakes. You always learn lessons from a failed relationship. Just make sure you take them on board and don't repeat the same mistakes, and you'll be fine. Many people aren't even capable of figuring out that they did anything wrong. You don't have that problem.

[Chilli]

Wouldn't waste my time on a third one even if ya do make it next time l feel a divorce coming on .,

[AlteredStarrling]

Wouldn't waste my time on a third one even if ya do make it next time l feel a divorce coming on .,

I'm positive sure there won't be any serious mistakes on the 3rd one. I've already solve the past cheating issue. Now I'm working on the anger issues.

 

I still want marriage and kids (at least one kid) one day.

[whichwayisup]

Hi it's been so long, I wanted to update you all.

 

I just destroyed my 2nd engagement. On the night of Dec.16 I punched my now ex fiance in the mouth during an argument about our stressful jobs and his meddling parents. It was hard enough to draw a bit of blood. I feel like garbage all over again, the same exact way as when I cheated on my past fiance.

 

He wanted the ring back immediately after it happened and I gave it. His family and him don't want to hear from he. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

 

First I cheated and got caught way back in Sept 2013 (my 1st ex fiance even wrote about his version here long ago; that was really him).

Now this time I committed assaulted and don't know why. I've worked on my issues long ago.

 

If you were a man hitting a woman like that, you'd be in jail by now. My advice is the same to you that I would give a man...

 

Get back to therapy. Go to anger management. Fix whatever is still broken inside of you and do NOT enter ANY relationship until your anger and abusive issues are under control.

 

Good luck and I hope you stay well.

[carhill]

Did a quick scan.... 30, engaged twice, socked the last guy, engagement over.

 

Questions:

After the first engagement ended, boom done, how long were you alone before getting involved? I mean alone. No dating, no gathering male attention, not even flirting but alone working on your stuff. How long?

 

Why did your mother hit your father? What was going on at home from age 7-12? How old was your mother/father when this occurred?

 

Since you're apparently still quite young, 30, and engaged twice, men like you, even with your issues. That tells me you're attractive to men. A tall, attractive woman. Can you put down the bottle (men) long enough to get healthy? IDK. Reproductive drive is strong and you mentioned the marriage and kids thing. You may have to handle it like an alcoholic. Today I won't touch those men in any way shape or form. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Sounds easy but it won't be. It'll be hard because, unlike the bottle, the men come to you. They want you. They desire you. Difficult drug to resist.

 

I'd start with a professional clinical psychologist who has long experience with childhood psychological issues. My bet is you'll find your answers there. Good luck!

[Rockdad]

It feels as if I were cursed into never getting married or as if the universe was punishing me.

 

It may "feel" to you some mystic curse is upon you or the universe is against you but I assure you that is not the case. I think your feeling is wrong. The lack of self control by cheating and assaulting a person is all you.

 

It's not a new thing for any of us to sabotage our own selves at one time or another and some people frequently. When we do we need to look inside of our self even if it takes a professional to help do that.

[jjgitties]

I'm positive sure there won't be any serious mistakes on the 3rd one. I've already solve the past cheating issue. Now I'm working on the anger issues.

 

I still want marriage and kids (at least one kid) one day.

 

Don't count on it. You have solved and nailed down cheating and punching issues. There are about a million more things that can come up in the course of complex human beings interaction.

 

So you resorted to punching . What.were you arguing about? How long did you argue about it. Obviously you were frustrated beyond the point of return and resorted to punching.

 

You may have anger issues. You may have other issues you aren't mentioning to telling us. What happened and what did they say to you when you.were.in psych ward.

 

You seem to obsess on the fact that you are 30 and need to have a family. Why? Maybe the fact that you are forcing things is what it causing your interpersonal issues.

[usa1ah]

What a ridiculous and sexist thing to say. It's never ok for a man to hit a woman, but sometimes it's ok for a woman to hit a man if they "deserve it"?

 

That is some really twisted logic.

 

Why?

 

Some times it’s her only defense. A man can be really aggressive and intimidating with out hitting, to a point where a females only choice is to fight back. I know it has happened. My sister did this in her early twenties and broke up with the guy. The bully was arrested a couple years later for putting his gf at the time in the hospital. So yes, females sometimes have to fight back just to show they won’t be intimidated or bullied.

 

Ridiculous. The only time a person ever "deserves" to be punched in the face is in self defense (e.g. if he was actively trying to rape her). Clearly that is not the case in the OP.

 

For everything else, the only thing they "deserve" is to be dumped to the curb.

 

I am glad you live in a perfect world where everything goes just right.

 

Why would a loved one deserve it?

I was never in any danger when this happened.

 

Why would a loved one bring the person they love to the point that they strike out?

 

I am glad to hear that you were in no danger. 50% in jest, the rest not so much. I thought you were getting knocked around enough as it was.

 

There must of been something building up to this point. Just need to figure that out. More then likely better off with out this one if he can get you to the point that he did. Really don’t need a repeat.

 

And yes my wife hit me once, I scared the piss out of her when we were dating as a joke. She didn’t see it that way and I took it as what was coming to me. I sure as hell did go running off to mommy crying that she hit me.

 

Or was it two or three times.

Edited December 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[usa1ah]

Yeah, OP is lucky she didn't punch the wrong man. Some men would have punched her back.

 

This unfortunately is too true.

[usa1ah]

It should be assault either way. I did something very wrong and the consequence is losing a wonderful person for good. If he wanted to he could have charged me with assault, which I would have admitted to it.

I'm trying to understand your logic but really can't. If I were the one getting hit, many people would say leave ASAP. He's doing what I would have done too.

 

As I has said, the times my wife struck out was in play on my part.

 

Also think about it I’m 5’11 a weighed 188 back then in the military.

 

My wife was almost 5’2” and weighed 105.

 

She couldn’t hurt me if she really wanted to. I would gather her up until she calmed down then start kissing the back of her ear until she was giggling/laughing and trying to get away. We always made up afterwards.

[usa1ah]

Curious to hear why you don't agree the idea that it is not right to hit anyone. If you think women should hit men, that is certainly sexist and stupid. Hit someone(anyone) else at the risk of losing your own life. Hit someone bigger and they may just snap and hit you back harder. Being small is no excuse for a lack of self control.

 

To the OP, I agree with what others have said, you say you have worked through your issues. However, present circumstances disagree with your assessment. Healing is a lifelong process. Work through it with a professional. You may need to be more aware in your next relationship of continuing to work through issues as you progress in your relationship to avoid repeating this pattern. There is a reason you won't allow yourself to be happy.

 

Because some of my best friends growing up we’re boys I got in a scuffle with or fought by their side.

 

Sorry but today’s society is raising a bunch of pansies. I was brought up with no blood no foul. We played and played rough. Back yard football was full contact. We were boys, camping, fishing and swimming. I never got into hunting, never could pull the trigger on a deer. Did shoot some coyotes that killed my cat though. Anyway, I guess some people are brought up different then others.

 

I also believe one more thing, if someone is being a **** because they know they can get away with it. That no one is going to do anything like stop them. What was the phrase he used, what you going to do hit me. Well I did, he stopped be a **** after that. Yes this happened in my early 20’s and maybe shouldn’t have but I did. The thing is we got along pretty good afterwards. Buying a beer after it happened could have helped with that.

[usa1ah]

I agree there is never a good excuse to get violent except in self-defense, which this wasn't the case and for that I can't be in any relationship at this point.

I'm coming to an understanding where it's coming from and it's among the various things I've listed on my previous post. Though none of that excuses it just like it didn't excuse my past cheating.

 

I must admit there is something worrying me at this moment. I'm currently 30 years old and clearly not getting any younger. I would love to form a family one day but have to solve my issues at a faster pace. I can't take too long.

 

 

I am going to disagree just a little with this. Something triggered your fight or flight response during your argument. If you don’t punch people as a everyday thing or this was the first time this has happened. The response was there because of something.

 

Or you have watched to many tv shows where this has happened and you were conditioned to do it at that point in the argument.

[usa1ah]

I'll be booking up an appointment shortly after New Year. Thank you Elswyth.

 

I'm afraid I disappoint my parents again. I've received the great scolding of my life back then in 2013 for the cheating. This time, they just shook their heads in silence.

 

I am sorry to hear this. Yes the cheating is on you but for your parents to do this. I could never turn on my kids like that. They mess up and we talk it out now that they are older but to scold you like your a kid. This doesn’t help you at all, just makes you feel, well you know how you felt. Sorry, hope you have some good friends to help you with this and to help figure out why you have done what you have.

[usa1ah]

Why?

 

Some times it’s her only defense. A man can be really aggressive and intimidating with out hitting, to a point where a females only choice is to fight back. I know it has happened. My sister did this in her early twenties and broke up with the guy. The bully was arrested a couple years later for putting his gf at the time in the hospital. So yes, females sometimes have to fight back just to show they won’t be intimidated or bullied.

 

 

 

I am glad you live in a perfect world where everything goes just right.

 

 

 

Why would a loved one bring the person they love to the point that they strike out?

 

I am glad to hear that you were in no danger. 50% in jest, the rest not so much. I thought you were getting knocked around enough as it was.

 

There must of been something building up to this point. Just need to figure that out. More then likely better off with out this one if he can get you to the point that he did. Really don’t need a repeat.

 

And yes my wife hit me once, I scared the piss out of her when we were dating as a joke. She didn’t see it that way and I took it as what was coming to me. I sure as hell did go running off to mommy crying that she hit me.

 

Or was it two or three times.

 

Should have been “didn’t”.

[AlteredStarrling]

Did a quick scan.... 30, engaged twice, socked the last guy, engagement over.

Yes, that's correct.

Questions:

After the first engagement ended, boom done, how long were you alone before getting involved? I mean alone. No dating, no gathering male attention, not even flirting but alone working on your stuff. How long?

After my 1st engagement (at the time, that was my longest relationship ever) ended on Sept 8, 2013 I was single until the ending of 2014. I went on several dates, trying to forget Kent (my ex fiance) but I couldn't get over him. Part of me kept wishing he would just come back and we can start all over again. By late August 2015, I was admitted to the psych ward for trying to overdose myself. Then after spending nearly 2 months in there, I resumed back my dating life. Towards the beginning of Dec. of that same year, I met James (my current ex fiance) and he proposed in Oct 2017.

Why did your mother hit your father? What was going on at home from age 7-12? How old was your mother/father when this occurred?

She used to be an alcoholic. At the time, she would be drunk and either hit my father or chase both my younger brother and I around the house. My parents are currently 54 years old, both are the same age. My mother is just older than him by two months. She got helped eventually and stopped with the physical abuse but can sometimes still be sarcastic and verbally antagonizing.

Since you're apparently still quite young, 30, and engaged twice, men like you, even with your issues. That tells me you're attractive to men. A tall, attractive woman. Can you put down the bottle (men) long enough to get healthy? IDK. Reproductive drive is strong and you mentioned the marriage and kids thing. You may have to handle it like an alcoholic. Today I won't touch those men in any way shape or form. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Sounds easy but it won't be. It'll be hard because, unlike the bottle, the men come to you. They want you. They desire you. Difficult drug to resist.

 

I'd start with a professional clinical psychologist who has long experience with childhood psychological issues. My bet is you'll find your answers there. Good luck!

I'm aware of this. I've always looked younger than my actual age; just taller. I'm going to be single for the meantime. Thank you carhill.

[AlteredStarrling]

So you resorted to punching . What.were you arguing about? How long did you argue about it. Obviously you were frustrated beyond the point of return and resorted to punching.

Our argument was about our jobs and his meddling parents. He kept working on double shifts sometimes and as a result would come later; that would result in little time for intimacy. His mother's frequent calls asking how everything was going and too many other questions bothered me. In my mind all I could think of is ''Geez let your child breath already, he's not a little kid living with you''.

 

You may have anger issues. You may have other issues you aren't mentioning to telling us. What happened and what did they say to you when you.were.in psych ward.

I just remembered an incident I didn't mention and perhaps this is the foreshadow towards the punch. A month prior to that, we had an argument in the morning. After a very stressful day at his workplace, he informed me that he was going to have a couple drinks with his friends and come home right away, which he did. I was sleeping by then.

The following day, I was upset that he chose to hang out with his friends instead of coming home right away. He argued that he hardly even drinks (true, he's not the type to drink a lot) and that he still has time for me now. At that moment I yelled ''that's not enough'' and knocked a couple empty coffee cups and flower vase off the table, all of them fell on the floor and broke. I apologized and he dismissed that.

The psych ward helped a lot at the time. My diagnose was borderline disorder. I slept on a small sofa the first night and then it was on the bed the following days. I was integrated with others who had problems growing up; my support group. We began talking and sharing our experiences. It was a good experience overall.

You seem to obsess on the fact that you are 30 and need to have a family. Why? Maybe the fact that you are forcing things is what it causing your interpersonal issues.

I know and yes you're right. Lately I've been obsessing about getting older and not making it on time to form a family. I wasn't that obsessed when I was younger.

[AlteredStarrling]

I am going to disagree just a little with this. Something triggered your fight or flight response during your argument. If you don’t punch people as a everyday thing or this was the first time this has happened. The response was there because of something.

 

Or you have watched to many tv shows where this has happened and you were conditioned to do it at that point in the argument.

I've never punch anyone in my life. That was the first time ever. It will be the last too.

[stillafool]

I've never punch anyone in my life. That was the first time ever. It will be the last too.

 

That's exactly what you said the last time.

[AlteredStarrling]

That's exactly what you said the last time.

I didn't punch him the last time though. I had knocked a couple empty coffee cups and flower vase off the table, which they all broke. Up to that point, I haven't hit anyone yet.

A month later, on the next argument is when I punched him.

[Sanman]

Because some of my best friends growing up we’re boys I got in a scuffle with or fought by their side.

 

Sorry but today’s society is raising a bunch of pansies. I was brought up with no blood no foul. We played and played rough. Back yard football was full contact. We were boys, camping, fishing and swimming. I never got into hunting, never could pull the trigger on a deer. Did shoot some coyotes that killed my cat though. Anyway, I guess some people are brought up different then others.

 

I also believe one more thing, if someone is being a **** because they know they can get away with it. That no one is going to do anything like stop them. What was the phrase he used, what you going to do hit me. Well I did, he stopped be a **** after that. Yes this happened in my early 20’s and maybe shouldn’t have but I did. The thing is we got along pretty good afterwards. Buying a beer after it happened could have helped with that.

 

 

Scuffles and backyard football is different. I played full contact football, kickboxed/boxed, full contact sparred as a karate student and instructor, and have even been in a few bar fights. Here is the thing, fighting is still not the thing to do. I'm 6'1, in my 20s I was 205 lbs with a 315 lbs bench press, and a 455 lbs dead lift. I say this to point out, I could have hospitalized or killed the guys in those scuffles and I would have gone to jail. Fights are never fair and pushing someone to their limit is stupid. When I was in college a basketball player put a kid in coma over some dumb bar fight stuff. Nowadays, I only fight if I need and someone is likely going to the hospital if I do. Frankly, losing my career over a dumb charge is not worth it.

[Sanman]

Our argument was about our jobs and his meddling parents. He kept working on double shifts sometimes and as a result would come later; that would result in little time for intimacy. His mother's frequent calls asking how everything was going and too many other questions bothered me. In my mind all I could think of is ''Geez let your child breath already, he's not a little kid living with you''.

 

I just remembered an incident I didn't mention and perhaps this is the foreshadow towards the punch. A month prior to that, we had an argument in the morning. After a very stressful day at his workplace, he informed me that he was going to have a couple drinks with his friends and come home right away, which he did. I was sleeping by then.

The following day, I was upset that he chose to hang out with his friends instead of coming home right away. He argued that he hardly even drinks (true, he's not the type to drink a lot) and that he still has time for me now. At that moment I yelled ''that's not enough'' and knocked a couple empty coffee cups and flower vase off the table, all of them fell on the floor and broke. I apologized and he dismissed that.

The psych ward helped a lot at the time. My diagnose was borderline disorder. I slept on a small sofa the first night and then it was on the bed the following days. I was integrated with others who had problems growing up; my support group. We began talking and sharing our experiences. It was a good experience overall.

I know and yes you're right. Lately I've been obsessing about getting older and not making it on time to form a family. I wasn't that obsessed when I was younger.

 

Some advice for you to do with as you please, Borderline personality disorder is not something that will "cured" with a few trips to the psych ward. It is a chronic issue that requires ongoing attention if you are going to have healthy relationships. Do some reading and speak to a professional about your goals.