At a loss with my relationship right now.

[fixandfix]

Updates:

 

We've returned from our trip. It was all good and then before we board the ferry, he acted up again. He was all okay after we reached the place. We had a good talk when I see that he's okay and he agreed to talk. He was calmed down and I told him that I will leave him when he acts up again. And he told me that he felt annoyed when I kept talking to him about the issue when he was angry. He told me what he hoped I could do when he's angry which is to leave him alone so that he doesn't lash it out on me. I told him that we'll work out his anger management issue and this was the suggestion that he proposed. So I said, okay, I accept that.

 

I came back from the trip and talked to my mother and friends about it. They said if I think it is all worth it, then stay and see if he's going to be better. If he isn't, then we might have to go separate ways. I also did tell him that this is not the attitude you want to show our future children and I don't want our future children to receive such treatment from you. He seemed to know that I am dead serious about this and committed to work on his anger management. I, on the other hand also understand that we both have different ways of coping with anger. And I have used my own ways of dealing with anger to deal with his anger which obviously backfired.

 

In a way, I've also learned more about him. I did take your suggestions seriously and I've told him what you all have suggested. He understood that. Thank you everyone, I couldn't thank each of you all enough. Please don't think that I ignored all your suggestions, I've thought through all. And I've also considered the other aspects of it. I've this community and my family and friends's support in this matter, and that's more than enough for me So thank you all!

[bene]

Ok, good luck. Don't let him talk you into staying.

 

He does NOT have anger management issues. He is not pulling the ears of people cutting him off in line. He managed his anger just fine.

 

He is not necessarily violent. What he has for you is worse: contempt.

 

He does not love you. And actually, no, I do not believe he is amazing otherwise.

I think this is a very important point that abusers may not have anger management issues in the sense that they really can’t control themselves. They choose to be rude or violent, they are not posessed by some external force. For example they would likely not assault their coworker over a disagreement.

 

Violence escalates, be very cautious.

[GemmaUK]

There is no way I would stay with a guy who is violent towards me in a public crowded space like he was with you.

 

This is escalating and fast.

 

I feel though that something else to is going on and there's maybe emotional abuse which you're not registering as being.

Either that or something else is going on with him.

 

If I were one of your family I would have been very wary of letting you meet him alone, let alone go to his place.

[fixandfix]

There is no way I would stay with a guy who is violent towards me in a public crowded space like he was with you.

 

This is escalating and fast.

 

I feel though that something else to is going on and there's maybe emotional abuse which you're not registering as being.

Either that or something else is going on with him.

 

If I were one of your family I would have been very wary of letting you meet him alone, let alone go to his place.

 

Hey Gemma, you could be right. I might not have identified the emotional abuse that's going on. Honestly, this is my first serious and long relationship. So I'm also learning how to deal with it. I've asked him what is going on with him, he said it's his work. But it has always been like that, that he always have issues with his work.

[fixandfix]

Maybe I should shed some light also.

 

I've always also had issues with my temper like I would throw short tempers here and there. And there were also times where he said he had enough. He would try to pacify me, but sometimes I would just ignore it. We've talked about this issue early on in our relationship and I've also been working on controlling my temper and not to let it out on him. This is the part of me that I'm still working on although there are times that I would still go back to my old ways but it wasn't as much as it was in the early years of our relationship.

[GemmaUK]

Hey Gemma, you could be right. I might not have identified the emotional abuse that's going on. Honestly, this is my first serious and long relationship. So I'm also learning how to deal with it. I've asked him what is going on with him, he said it's his work. But it has always been like that, that he always have issues with his work.

 

I could go through a list of things here but - here - take a look at the link below.

I think you need educating just like I did when it happened to me and I think you need to probably be a lot more careful around him.

Personally, I wouldn't go anywhere near him again.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions

[fixandfix]

I could go through a list of things here but - here - take a look at the link below.

I think you need educating just like I did when it happened to me and I think you need to probably be a lot more careful around him.

Personally, I wouldn't go anywhere near him again.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions

 

 

Hi Gemma, thanks. But I can't seem to find the book on kindle. Anyways, I've been thinking about this emotional abuse part. I've talked to a gf and she told me the same thing as well, even before I said 'I've been thinking if this was an emotional abuse.'

 

Actually, on the day that we left for a short trip, he had an episode. It was all fine in the morning when we met. He suggested to grab something before we board the boat. So we went to this small eatery place. The person serving us was confused because there was a crowd and he directed us the wrong way, he gave me my food but then took it to give another person. My bf saw it and became very angry and we left the place immediately. We went to another eatery nearby and got food. As we sat down, I told him to cool down and not let the server spoiled our mood, we're going for a vacation that we've been waiting for months.

 

As I settled him down, he started making comments like "Whatever you plan doesn't goes well" - meaning this and the christmas thingy. I told him "What you said really hurts me, do you know that?" He replied saying " I don't ****ing care anymore okay, whatever." I kept cool and told him to be logical and calm down and why let someone ruined our day. He said "If I'd known that I'd be so unhappy, I'd rather not take the leave and spend the days in the office, I'd be happier anyway." My heart sank, but I can't show that I'm crying because he'll get even angrier.

 

Then before we got into the immigration, I asked if this is what he wanted, if not we can leave now, he said, "Just go, whatever". He kept saying "whatever" to all my comments. So before we really board the ship, I asked again, are you sure?, he said ""Yes, whatever". I told him I planned this trip with your birthday in mind, and I know you like beach and sea, so I chose this resort, he said, "Whatever, I'll go see how great is this, if not I'm never coming back.".

 

Then when reached there, he seemed perfectly fine and apologized for what he did at night. He said he did all those things and said these things out of anger, on top of what he did to me on the christmas festival night.

Edited January 3, 2018 by fixandfix

[S2B]

What action has he taken to work on his anger management issues?

 

Has he booked ongoing appointments with a professional? Has he signed up for a long term class to help him?

 

 

If he's not doing these solid things to help himself - then he really isn't going to do the work necessary to change.

 

Be cautious - life is long and miserable with a person who has anger issues.

 

It's scary too! Don't stay if he's not doing action to change!

[fixandfix]

What action has he taken to work on his anger management issues?

 

Has he booked ongoing appointments with a professional? Has he signed up for a long term class to help him?

 

 

If he's not doing these solid things to help himself - then he really isn't going to do the work necessary to change.

 

Be cautious - life is long and miserable with a person who has anger issues.

 

It's scary too! Don't stay if he's not doing action to change!

 

He hasn't. I did tell him that we should go for a counselling session about this issue. He said in the past he would exercise or game to release the stress, but now he still does those 2 but he would still explode. Like the 3 episodes I wrote here.

[heavenonearth]

Hi Gemma, thanks. But I can't seem to find the book on kindle. Anyways, I've been thinking about this emotional abuse part. I've talked to a gf and she told me the same thing as well, even before I said 'I've been thinking if this was an emotional abuse.'

 

Actually, on the day that we left for a short trip, he had an episode. It was all fine in the morning when we met. He suggested to grab something before we board the boat. So we went to this small eatery place. The person serving us was confused because there was a crowd and he directed us the wrong way, he gave me my food but then took it to give another person. My bf saw it and became very angry and we left the place immediately. We went to another eatery nearby and got food. As we sat down, I told him to cool down and not let the server spoiled our mood, we're going for a vacation that we've been waiting for months.

 

As I settled him down, he started making comments like "Whatever you plan doesn't goes well" - meaning this and the christmas thingy. I told him "What you said really hurts me, do you know that?" He replied saying " I don't ****ing care anymore okay, whatever." I kept cool and told him to be logical and calm down and why let someone ruined our day. He said "If I'd known that I'd be so unhappy, I'd rather not take the leave and spend the days in the office, I'd be happier anyway." My heart sank, but I can't show that I'm crying because he'll get even angrier.

 

Then before we got into the immigration, I asked if this is what he wanted, if not we can leave now, he said, "Just go, whatever". He kept saying "whatever" to all my comments. So before we really board the ship, I asked again, are you sure?, he said ""Yes, whatever". I told him I planned this trip with your birthday in mind, and I know you like beach and sea, so I chose this resort, he said, "Whatever, I'll go see how great is this, if not I'm never coming back.".

 

Then when reached there, he seemed perfectly fine and apologized for what he did at night. He said he did all those things and said these things out of anger, on top of what he did to me on the christmas festival night.

 

Ok thanks for these examples.

This shows be is putting you down.

The “whatever” is because he doesn’t know what else to say.

It’s not that he is really angry or that he truly doesn’t care about going.

He just says it to confuse and frustrate you.

 

This is emotional abuse. He does NOT have an anger management issue. It’s calculated tactic.

 

He tells you that whatever you plan does not go right. He tells you this because he wants you to feel bad about yourself. It’s gaslighting.

I had an ex from years ago who did this to me for the whole 3,5 years of our relationship. Men like this don’t have anger issues, they have underlying issues from their childhood, or ego issues, etc.

maybe he was abused as a kid (as was in the case of my ex) or maybe he is unhappy with certain aspects of his life (like the work he does. As you mentioned) and thus has the need to put you down to feel better about himself. It’s really that simple and it’s scary because it will get worse.

He notices he can get away with it. He sees how it frustrates you but that it also works on you. And that you keep accepting his apologies.

I was there back and forth with my ex for 3,5 years with this crap.

And it never ever got better.

 

You know when it got better?

When i left him.

 

 

X

[fixandfix]

Ok thanks for these examples.

This shows be is putting you down.

The “whatever” is because he doesn’t know what else to say.

It’s not that he is really angry or that he truly doesn’t care about going.

He just says it to confuse and frustrate you.

 

This is emotional abuse. He does NOT have an anger management issue. It’s calculated tactic.

 

He tells you that whatever you plan does not go right. He tells you this because he wants you to feel bad about yourself. It’s gaslighting.

I had an ex from years ago who did this to me for the whole 3,5 years of our relationship. Men like this don’t have anger issues, they have underlying issues from their childhood, or ego issues, etc.

maybe he was abused as a kid (as was in the case of my ex) or maybe he is unhappy with certain aspects of his life (like the work he does. As you mentioned) and thus has the need to put you down to feel better about himself. It’s really that simple and it’s scary because it will get worse.

He notices he can get away with it. He sees how it frustrates you but that it also works on you. And that you keep accepting his apologies.

I was there back and forth with my ex for 3,5 years with this crap.

And it never ever got better.

 

You know when it got better?

When i left him.

 

 

X

 

But how do I leave him? It hurts when I think about it ?

[S2B]

He hasn't. I did tell him that we should go for a counselling session about this issue. He said in the past he would exercise or game to release the stress, but now he still does those 2 but he would still explode. Like the 3 episodes I wrote here.

 

You can't fix him!

 

You CAN leave him! Do that!!

 

Save yourself from years of misery!

 

There's nothing you need to do to attend counseling with him! It's HIS to DO - not yours!

 

Stop giving him chances - he's abusive!

 

Even though it will hurt - just end it now.

 

Hurry... it's necessary for YOUR well being.

 

 

It's not a "we" problem - stop owning HIS issues.

[elaine567]

He does NOT have an anger management issue.

 

I agree.

Most abusers do not get angry at work, in the bank, at the supermarket checkout, they do not pick fights with big guys out on the street, no, their "anger" is specifically directed at you and often they are not even angry, just pretending to be so to scare you

[Gaeta]

But how do I leave him? It hurts when I think about it ?

 

You do it like you pull a band-aid, you end it fast and with strength, you turn around and never look back. You don't communicate with him ever again and you block him so he doesn't communicate with you. Then you reach to your best friends and your family, you tell them you left him because of his abuse and you need their support through this hard time.

 

Leaving an abuser is hard but it's the biggest gift you will give to yourself. Don't waste your best years on an abuser. Life will go on, you will fall in love again and this will be just an old memory soon.

[d0nnivain]

But how do I leave him? It hurts when I think about it ?

 

 

It's gonna hurt even more when he finally loses it & his emotional abuse turns physical.

[Downtown]

He went bersark... Then he went on a full rampage.... I've always also had issues with my temper like I would throw short tempers here and there. And there were also times where he said he had enough.

Fix, you say that both of you have anger management issues. So which of you has the most difficulty in controlling anger? Also, please tell us whether his anger is easily triggered by strangers or usually only by you.

 

I ask because, absent a drug abuse problem, the two most common sources for a persistent anger management problem are IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, even if he doesn't have a full-blown disorder, he may still exhibit moderate to strong symptoms of one of those disorders. Whereas IED tantrums can be triggered by anyone (as in road rage while driving), BPD typically is triggered only by a loved one or very close friend.

[Zahara]

I don't think exercise or gaming has anything to do with it. When people are stressed, they don't shove food in your mouth. His issues are past stress in that he is an abuser.

 

And what they do is try to pacify you when you place an ultimatum because they're not about to lose control over you. So they feed you words to keep you where they need you to be.

 

It's just going to happen again. The moment you're comfortably back in it again and he knows he has you, his true nature will re-emerge.

 

As for counselling -- you should seek it for yourself in figuring out why you tolerate and accept abuse. Instead of looking at him, you should focus on your own dysfunction.

[fixandfix]

Fix, you say that both of you have anger management issues. So which of you has the most difficulty in controlling anger? Also, please tell us whether his anger is easily triggered by strangers or usually only by you.

 

I ask because, absent a drug abuse problem, the two most common sources for a persistent anger management problem are IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, even if he doesn't have a full-blown disorder, he may still exhibit moderate to strong symptoms of one of those disorders. Whereas IED tantrums can be triggered by anyone (as in road rage while driving), BPD typically is triggered only by a loved one or very close friend.

 

For me is when he's late or when I need more attention from him. I'd usually shut myself up for a while until I feel I'm cooled enough. Probably about 30 mins, there are days where I go on moodswings cos Idk, they just come. But I don't direct nasty words at him. I'd usually let him do his things, talk on his own about random things to which I'll listen and respond with a umm, ahh, yeah, I see. I'd never throw nasty words at him, and there are times I said insensitive things, but I apologized because I said it out without thinking. It wasn't in a moment of anger but it was more of like a passing comment.

 

Yes, in our relationship I do compare him with other men in our early stages. I still do now but that aside, there hasn't been any huge arguments between us lately. And this few incidents he said was triggered by the people and his stress at work.

 

But this time, he went on full blast. And now he's all sweet and loving which I'm kind of scared or rather I dk how to react.

[d0nnivain]

And now he's all sweet and loving which I'm kind of scared or rather I dk how to react.

 

 

it's the classic abuser cycle. These little spurts of calm & loving are why the victims don't leave because you delude yourself into thinking he'll change or get better; worse, you believe him when he says it's your fault.

 

 

He's already blaming you -- saying nothing you plan works out. He already crossed the physical boundary by shoving food in your face. The next time it may be an open hand slap or a full on punch. When that happens exactly what do you plan to say to the people in the Emergency Room when they ask how you got hurt?

 

 

You have to stop making excuses for him & start protecting yourself. I thought your mom & sister were on your side to break up.

[fixandfix]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I've been thinking so hard about it and about leaving him. I cried everytime I think about leaving him because I think we'be been together for so long? It hurts so much everytime I think about leaving him. This time I was more determined than the past time to think about our relationship.

 

We haven't met after the trip and we're still texting as per normal. Idk if he could sense a change in me, but he's been sweeter in his texts lately and asking me to go on a holiday with him (to which I've rejected both of the holiday trips).

[fixandfix]

it's the classic abuser cycle. These little spurts of calm & loving are why the victims don't leave because you delude yourself into thinking he'll change or get better; worse, you believe him when he says it's your fault.

 

 

He's already blaming you -- saying nothing you plan works out. He already crossed the physical boundary by shoving food in your face. The next time it may be an open hand slap or a full on punch. When that happens exactly what do you plan to say to the people in the Emergency Room when they ask how you got hurt?

 

 

You have to stop making excuses for him & start protecting yourself. I thought your mom & sister were on your side to break up.

 

I think they saw that I still breakdown and that maybe he's still worth it(idk from their pov). But I told them yesterday I was considering leaving him and my mum said why not give him another chance. But I haven't entertain that thought for now.

[S2B]

Do t listen to your Mom. Listen to your gut.

 

NO woman should need to put up with unacceptable behavior!

 

Shame on your Momma!!!

[hippychick3]

I think they saw that I still breakdown and that maybe he's still worth it(idk from their pov). But I told them yesterday I was considering leaving him and my mum said why not give him another chance. But I haven't entertain that thought for now.

 

OP, I hope you don’t mind me asking...but did you grow up in an abusive household? Was your mom in an abusive relationship?

 

I ask because if my daughter was ever in your situation, I’d do EVERYTHING in my power to get her away from this guy and file a restraining order against him.

[d0nnivain]

I think they saw that I still breakdown and that maybe he's still worth it(idk from their pov). But I told them yesterday I was considering leaving him and my mum said why not give him another chance. But I haven't entertain that thought for now.

 

 

 

Does you mother know everything that you posted here, especially about the shoving food in your face? I'll bet she'll change her tune once she gets all the facts. If you are only telling her that he gets moody of course she will recommend hanging in there because moodiness is no reason to break up. The need for anger management and physical violence are reasons to walk away.

[fixandfix]

She knows about everything I posted here. I grew up in an Asian family. I'm from Singapore. I guess I could see sometimes my dad would be not so nice to her in terms of his tone. But she said, as long as my dad doesn't go out to drink or play with women, she's okay.