Pain is overwhelming

[Blanco]

Your ex was probably ill-advised to request that meet-up, but even then, I think he mostly handled things correctly. Him acting bubbly and friendly would have likely given you mixes signals; it'd likely would've had you asking why he doesn't want to get back together if you two were able to sit down and have a light and fun time together.

 

The awful thing for him to do would be to persistently reach out, occasionally ask to meet up, maybe even try to spark something physical, only to time and again pull away when the topic of getting back together came up.

 

Instead, it sounds like he's aware of how strong your feelings for him were, and since he doesn't reciprocate, he's spared your feelings by leaving you alone.

 

Actually, I find it interesting that you perceive this as him wronging you. What would you rather have him do if he doesn't want to get back together?

 

You fixating on how he acted during your final meeting again shows your tendency to not take responsibility for your own feelings and life. He's not obligated to make you feel complete or happy. No one is. He doesn't want the relationship, so he's left you alone. That doesn't make him a bad person. I think that makes him the bigger person for understanding that you cannot have your cake and eat it, too. He knows it's all or nothing with you. He's accepted that it'll be nothing.

[Beachead]

I put my anger and pain into my goals/aspirations. It is ONLY move that makes sense. Putting that work back into yourself spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically etc. Because one day when you get caught off-guard and you meet someone who rocks your world again, and it will happen, you're going to be far better off than you were in your previous relationship in everyway..also a far better you. Even if they leave you, nothing changes in your own life because you still have everything you've been working on and you will continue to work on it.

 

You cannot put all your self-worth into someone elses hands for the reasons you have discovered in your year long suffering. They will mess up everytime. EVERYTIME. If you have nothing else going on for yourself, that's your whole life being destroyed right there and then. You have a responsibility to yourself. You feel like this because you have been irresponsible with yourself. Many of us are hurting like you. We know you are in pain. We know you are tired. But if you don't find purpose in your life that's not only just about the love and acceptance of a man, you will destroy yourself. That's what your facing. Change it. Please.

 

I've been there.

Edited March 10, 2018 by Beachead

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Your ex was probably ill-advised to request that meet-up, but even then, I think he mostly handled things correctly. Him acting bubbly and friendly would have likely given you mixes signals; it'd likely would've had you asking why he doesn't want to get back together if you two were able to sit down and have a light and fun time together.

 

The awful thing for him to do would be to persistently reach out, occasionally ask to meet up, maybe even try to spark something physical, only to time and again pull away when the topic of getting back together came up.

 

Instead, it sounds like he's aware of how strong your feelings for him were, and since he doesn't reciprocate, he's spared your feelings by leaving you alone.

 

Actually, I find it interesting that you perceive this as him wronging you. What would you rather have him do if he doesn't want to get back together?

 

You fixating on how he acted during your final meeting again shows your tendency to not take responsibility for your own feelings and life. He's not obligated to make you feel complete or happy. No one is. He doesn't want the relationship, so he's left you alone. That doesn't make him a bad person. I think that makes him the bigger person for understanding that you cannot have your cake and eat it, too. He knows it's all or nothing with you. He's accepted that it'll be nothing.

 

Well in that case he shouldn't of suggested meeting up. He should of outright said he didn't want to when he changed his mind.

 

Reading that whilst is probably exactly true just felt like a pain in my heart. I feel so rejected that he'd rather have nothing.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I put my anger and pain into my goals/aspirations. It is ONLY move that makes sense. Putting that work back into yourself spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically etc. Because one day when you get caught off-guard and you meet someone who rocks your world again, and it will happen, you're going to be far better off than you were in your previous relationship in everyway..also a far better you. Even if they leave you, nothing changes in your own life because you still have everything you've been working on and you will continue to work on it.

 

You cannot put all your self-worth into someone elses hands for the reasons you have discovered in your year long suffering. They will mess up everytime. EVERYTIME. If you have nothing else going on for yourself, that's your whole life being destroyed right there and then. You have a responsibility to yourself. You feel like this because you have been irresponsible with yourself. Many of us are hurting like you. We know you are in pain. We know you are tired. But if you don't find purpose in your life that's not only just about the love and acceptance of a man, you will destroy yourself. That's what your facing. Change it. Please.

 

I've been there.

 

I've already destroyed myself. I'm too far gone now.

[basil67]

This is exactly right, exactly the mix of what I believe contribute to my state.

 

I'm surprised nobody has anything to say on the treatment I recieved from him during our post break up meet up.

 

You've talked about how he behaved during the meeting, but I wonder if some of that was due to how you were feeling at the meeting.

 

Knowing how badly you're feeling, I'm sure your feelings would have shown through no matter how hard you tried to hide them. So he got really uncomfortable with the state you were in and his feelings showed through him too.

 

People's feelings can and do bounce off each other and affect our reactions. If you were feeling distressed, it makes sense that he had to pull the shutters down so that he wouldn't get dragged into it.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

You've talked about how he behaved during the meeting, but I wonder if some of that was due to how you were feeling at the meeting.

 

Knowing how badly you're feeling, I'm sure your feelings would have shown through no matter how hard you tried to hide them. So he got really uncomfortable with the state you were in and his feelings showed through him too.

 

People's feelings can and do bounce off each other and affect our reactions. If you were feeling distressed, it makes sense that he had to pull the shutters down so that he wouldn't get dragged into it.

 

We didn't speak about the relationship. He shut me down every time I tried to talk about what happened. I kept things light and casual. He even told me 'You seem well'... little did he know. I acted as I would meeting a friend.

 

I've quite honestly had enough of this life now.

[basil67]

We didn't speak about the relationship. He shut me down every time I tried to talk about what happened. I kept things light and casual. He even told me 'You seem well'... little did he know. I acted as I would meeting a friend.

 

I've quite honestly had enough of this life now.

 

Heartbroken, I don't think you realise how you would have appeared to him. Acting like meeting a friend and being light and casual vs bringing up the relationship and being shut down a number of times is a contradiction in terms. Bringing up the relationship despite his obvious reluctance would cause him to shut down.

 

I'm sorry you've had enough. Is there nothing you have to offer the world?

[Blanco]

Yup, exactly. I’ve had exes get cold with me after the breakup but it was usually because they knew I was hurting and that being too warm and inviting would send me the wrong signals.

 

I’m not quite sure where we all go from here. I think OP has gotten sage advice. It doesn’t seem she’s ready to really absorb it or use it to help take action. Everything seems to come back to “yeah but he rejected me.”

 

We all get rejected at some point and not always for someone else. It hurts but it’s not a tragedy. It’s just life.

 

He isn’t coming back, OP. Accept it and stop torturing yourself.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I'm sorry you've had enough. Is there nothing you have to offer the world?

 

It appears not. I got myself ready for work and then ruined my makeup by the non stop tears.

[basil67]

It appears not. I got myself ready for work and then ruined my makeup by the non stop tears.

 

Oi, don't brush me of with "apparently not". I want you to THINK.

 

What do you have to offer the world? For starters, I can see that you're eloquent. Have you thought of volunteering to help teach English to recent immigrants?

 

I suspect you're also a compassionate sort. Remember how when you help people, it makes you feel good in return?

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Quite honestly I don't really want to continue to live in pain. I have no interest in nothing anymore.

[basil67]

Quite honestly I don't really want to continue to live in pain. I have no interest in nothing anymore.

 

The fact that you're still posting here tells me that you have the will to go on.

[HiCrunchy]

U need to stop wanting and needing things from the outside.

Once you let go of need and wanting anything from anyone you can truly find happiness.

 

You could love him with regardless of how he feels. And you would be okay with that.

Edited March 10, 2018 by HiCrunchy
Grammar

[Beachead]

Quite honestly I don't really want to continue to live in pain. I have no interest in nothing anymore.

 

I was dumped 3 times in my life. Been rejected by 50-60 women in between those experiences. You don't think I felt what you felt? How did I get back up?

 

Nobody worthwhile has given up on you here. Whether you think you can't do it anymore or you think you can, you're right because it begins and ends in your head.

 

You think you're not attractive? Well then explain how you ended up with 2 boyfriends we know of and have managed dates other guys?

 

You're done with life? Well then explain why you come on LS or why you invested your hard earned money to get plastic surgery?

 

You think nobody cares about you? Well then explain how you have one of the largest threads here in the coping forum filled with strangers who are sharing incite, advice, empathy, for you; people who have been through similar experiences and have felt the same way. You also have family and friends who are clearly there for you as well. The support is there.

 

You lie to yourself and sell what you have short and you've been stuck for over a year because you're closed off and addicted to the misery. Until you start admitting to yourself, that you are accountable for how you feel, you will get nowhere.

 

Get a good therapist. Write out one thing you're grateful for everyday in a journal and start telling yourself you're going to have a good day and make it happen.

 

- Beach

Edited March 11, 2018 by Beachead

[Nadine123]

Hi

 

I want to ask you a question if you dont mind. What have you done since this happened to improve or grow yourself?

 

have a lovely day

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

addicted to the misery.

 

I believe this is true. I just wonder what the payoff is for her. There has to be one.

[Beachead]

I believe this is true. I just wonder what the payoff is for her. There has to be one.

 

Some bad things happen that are out of our control. Loved one passes away. Illness. Parents divorce etc. But problems like this? A lot of it can be resolved by the way we choose to handle it. Furthermore, much of what happens to us is from our choices and our choices are fueled by our thoughts. Depending on how much respect we have for ourselves for example, we then choose who we want around us. We choose how much crap we want to take from them. We choose to stay in our crummy jobs. We choose to buy expensive things even though we want to save money. I'm generalizing my point is, we have a choice. What's right for us, is not always the easy choice and what we need will come on a path that won't mapped out for us. It's freaking difficult. That's why everyone takes the easy road. It's carved out already. It's there. Don't have to think. Just do. But what we need for ourself, probably won't have any path laid out. It'll probably be like walking through the amazon, with cliffs, quick sand, poisonous snakes, traps and all kinds of dangers.

 

Habits are strong and are hard to kick and just thinking about the work that has to be done on that unmarked path to get to where we want to get to is exhausting. So most of us avoid it by blaming everything on bad luck and everyone else because it takes the responsibility to ourselves, out of our hands and gives us an excuse to continue wallowing in our sadness. This way we can keep living believing we had no control.

 

And that's the pay-off. Never having to be responsible.

[Nadine123]

I believe this is true. I just wonder what the payoff is for her. There has to be one.

 

This reminds me of myself. I was addicted to misery to be honest. After my last abusive relationship, I had the right to be upset, but for six months I just wasted my time stalking him, thinking about him, and didnt work at all.

 

My life started changing when I decide to wake up early in the morning, learn how to do yoga, meditate, read, listen to motivation on youtube, etc.

 

My point here is that Im not judging you, but all you do is complain and complain about what he did. He doesnt even care what you're doing and you're wasting your life time and time on someone who you will never be with and probably wont see again. Invest time in yourself and you will see how your life will change. You wont heal overnight, but as beachhead said before, take one step forward every day so in a year from now you will be oe thousands steps ahead.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Its all because i've never felt loved. Never felt truly wanted. Never felt good enough and worth investing time in. All around me I see love everyday and for some reason, i'm starved of it. Its like i'm being told 'No' all the time and I don't know why. Its like seeing this amazing party going on full of loved up couples, but i'm at the door looking in and told i'm not allowed in but they won't give me a reason why. I'm even at a horrible place of judgement, where I look at some couples and wonder whats so great about her... why can she keep her boyfriend and I can't?

 

I just want what I want, which is something pretty normal, yet for some reason is impossible for me.

 

To the person who says I am attractive because i've had 2 boyfriends... neither stayed longer than 6 months. They can't have been that attracted to me.

[Beachead]

Its all because i've never felt loved. Never felt truly wanted. Never felt good enough and worth investing time in. All around me I see love everyday and for some reason, i'm starved of it. Its like i'm being told 'No' all the time and I don't know why. Its like seeing this amazing party going on full of loved up couples, but i'm at the door looking in and told i'm not allowed in but they won't give me a reason why. I'm even at a horrible place of judgement, where I look at some couples and wonder whats so great about her... why can she keep her boyfriend and I can't?

 

I just want what I want, which is something pretty normal, yet for some reason is impossible for me.

 

To the person who says I am attractive because i've had 2 boyfriends... neither stayed longer than 6 months. They can't have been that attracted to me.

 

You're seeing all these couples out there because that's what you are paying attention to. That's what we call an affirmation bias. In reality, there are just as many, if not more, single people out there who are just as broken hearted and looking for love like you are.

 

Attractiveness gets you in the door but it's who you are and how compatible that is with who your partner is along with numerous external factors that determines the longevity in a relationship.

 

Things like what your partner's been through. What they are going through. What they want from life, what they need from life. It affects the way they interact with you. Whether they walk away from an argument or stay and talk it out. Whether they are guarded, or are open. Whether they are compassionate or cold. And then there's family, friends, distance, jobs, this crazy globalized world that affects every interaction we had, have, and will have. You don't have control over this OP but it will still affect your relationships.

 

My ex. She had had a lot of family problems. When we started dating, her crazy ex came back to mess her head up and it exposed the fact that she wasn't completely over him even though they had broken up 2 years prior. It affected us. Plus, because of her relationship with him, she had become a very closed off..guarded person. WHenever I tried to talk about things after a fight..she said nothing and would be silent for a week and then come back and talk to me like nothing happened. When she went off to med school, she carried that avoidant behavior with her and put me through hell in the process. Treated me like absolute sh*t for 3 months by growing more distant, colder, and angrier, until she dumped me on whatsapp the night before she was supposed to come back home. She didn't even have the courtesy to talk to me in person. It took me a long time to realize her attitude and her anger had nothing to do with me and a lot to do with what she was going through in her own life.

 

So stop blaming yourself and thinking it's because you're ugly or whatever it is. It's not solely on you. There are a lot of forces at work that are outside your control.

 

Turn your focus inward and concentrate on you.

 

- Beach

Edited March 11, 2018 by Beachead

[basil67]

 

To the person who says I am attractive because i've had 2 boyfriends... neither stayed longer than 6 months. They can't have been that attracted to me.

 

You're not understanding that there are different types of attraction required to make a relationship work.

 

When the poster said you must have been attractive enough to get two boyfriends, I'm guessing they meant that you're attractive enough to catch a guy's eye and have him ask you out. This is the very start of it all.

 

However, having sufficient attraction to keep a relationship going is far more than skin deep. This is where compatibility of personality comes in. Your relationships had the first, but not sufficient of the latter to sustain it. The second part here mostly isn't about being right or wrong, it's just about the chances of two different individuals gelling.

 

Now, you are not to go getting miserable over a lack of compatibility. I had to date far more than two guys to find my husband! If I'd given up after only two failed relationships, I would never have had eventual success.

 

Edited to change your wording to help you understand more easily

 

To the person who says I am attractive because I've had 2 boyfriends - yes, I was attractive enough to have them date me. However, neither stayed longer than 6 months, so we can't have been ultimately compatible

Edited March 11, 2018 by basil67

[Beachead]

You're not understanding that there are different types of attraction required to make a relationship work.

 

When the poster said you must have been attractive enough to get two boyfriends, I'm guessing they meant that you're attractive enough to catch a guy's eye and have him ask you out. This is the very start of it all.

 

However, having sufficient attraction to keep a relationship going is far more than skin deep. This is where compatibility of personality comes in. Your relationships had the first, but not sufficient of the latter to sustain it. The second part here mostly isn't about being right or wrong, it's just about the chances of two different individuals gelling.

 

Now, you are not to go getting miserable over a lack of compatibility. I had to date far more than two guys to find my husband! If I'd given up after only two failed relationships, I would never have had eventual success.

 

Edited to change your wording to help you understand more easily

 

To the person who says I am attractive because I've had 2 boyfriends - yes, I was attractive enough to have them date me. However, neither stayed longer than 6 months, so we can't have been ultimately compatible

 

Yep. I was referring to outer beauty since OP believes this played a factor. Physical attraction gets her in the door but it takes a lot more than that to maintain a relationship. Factors, as mentioned, that are largely out of her control.

 

OP, you do have some some things to work on emotionally..your self-esteem for starters. But overall, I think it was simply a matter of compatibility that contributed to the end of this relationship. There is nothing you could have done about that. As long as you gave your best, there is nothing to be ashamed or sad for. Nothing to regret or feel guilty for. And it certainly doesn't mean that the same thing will happen to you in the future.

 

Your resolve and confidence must be strong for you to see it this way.

 

Do not get low on yourself because of all the "happy" couples out there. For all you know with one of the couples, the guy could have been cheating on his girlfriend with the girl you saw him with. The second couple you saw, the girl could have been using the guy as a rebound until she figured out what she wanted from her ex. The third couple you saw were both single for most their life and what you saw was the first relationship they actually got into. And maybe another couple you saw was just a day away from breaking up etc. And with the people you know, they don't tell you everything that goes on behind closed doors.

 

Appearances can be deceiving as they say and for a good reason too.

 

For you to give up because of this is such a waste because you have much to offer. I truly hope you will give yourself the chance and put the work back into yourself so that through self-accomplishment, you will come to realize this on your own...as I did about myself.

 

And from there, who knows what can happen.

Edited March 12, 2018 by Beachead

[basil67]

Heartbroken, it's not uncommon for people to have really strong feelings, very real feelings, even though those feelings are irrational. It's happened to me and many others.

 

Do you recognise that a lot of your feelings about yourself and this break up are irrational? I'm going in this direction because I'm trying to find a way to pull you back down to a calmer point. I find that reassuring myself that my feelings are irrational is actually quite helpful.

 

For instance, it's irrational to

 

1. think that because we love someone, they should love us in return.

2. put our self worth in the love that someone else gives us.

3. be placing blame on yourself or him when the basic reason is more likely to be about incompatibility with nobody being at fault.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Heartbroken, it's not uncommon for people to have really strong feelings, very real feelings, even though those feelings are irrational. It's happened to me and many others.

 

Do you recognise that a lot of your feelings about yourself and this break up are irrational? I'm going in this direction because I'm trying to find a way to pull you back down to a calmer point. I find that reassuring myself that my feelings are irrational is actually quite helpful.

 

For instance, it's irrational to

 

1. think that because we love someone, they should love us in return.

2. put our self worth in the love that someone else gives us.

3. be placing blame on yourself or him when the basic reason is more likely to be about incompatibility with nobody being at fault.

 

4. assume that because you initially really like someone you're obliged to keep feeling that way forever.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Y I had to date far more than two guys to find my husband! If I'd given up after only two failed relationships, I would never have had eventual success.

 

Yes, this!

 

I got married young (too young) so I didn't date a ton before that, but I've had several failed relationships (varying lengths....3 to 10 months) after my divorce. Like at least five. Compatibility is hard to find.