Pain is overwhelming

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I feel like if I were a 'catch', then I wouldn't be here.

 

So what can you do to improve yourself and become "a catch?"

[HiCrunchy]

I still pine everyday. I still hurt everyday. I can't visit places I've been with him... a friend suggested going out somewhere I had once been with him and I cancelled because I couldn't handle the thought of memories when I'm there. She doesn't know that's the reason... She thinks I should be over it and scolds me (softly) when I mention my hurt.

 

I feel like my life has been ruined by this. I Don't think I'll ever really be the same tbh. Why couldn't I have been loved.

 

Oh dear. I think of you all of the time. And I wonder if you are okay, I am sorry to see that you are still in pain. Yes I am a stranger on the internet, but I feel your pain as much as you do. I have had, or at least am having a similar experience. I feel like I have I do wish for you to feel better.

 

Have you tried planning a fun vacation for yourself and making new memories. Getting out of the area may do you some good.

 

Deary, he could very well love you very much. May be it is not a romantic love, but just because he left doesn't mean he hates you or thinks you are worthless.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Please stop thinking his opinion has any value.

 

Or at least all of it.

[Beachead]

I feel like if I were a 'catch', then I wouldn't be here. I could have the man I wanted. I feel like my worth IS not alot since he can't see it. And I gave him love. He doesn't care about me, he knows nothing about me anymore and hasn't for months. The fact that I haven't loved this way before, and I wasn't good enough, just continues to destroy me.

 

I'm a very sad person and I don't see a good future. It feels i'm not good enough for it. For some reason, i'm not enough.

 

This isn't about him OP. As I said awhile back, you don't care about him. You care about what he can do for you.

 

This is about you.

[HiCrunchy]

 

Not anymore. I'm an old hardened crow now.

 

Haha me too. I'm just trying to get over my hatred for cats.

Then my cat lady life can begin.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

So what can you do to improve yourself and become "a catch?"

 

I've had plastic surgery since the break up. I'm planning to change more.

 

I already work hard in my job. I present myself well. I'm sympathic and kind to people. I'm not overweight. My skin is good, I look after it. I style my hair. Not enough though is it.

[Popsicle]

About a year after I graduated from grad school my BF who I met in grad school dumped me. We both had good jobs. I was tall, thin, smart, funny, good in bed & made my own money. Yet this guy broke up with me & broke my heart. I didn't even see it coming & I did everything wrong post break up -- begging, crying, letting it effect my work etc.

 

 

The fact that this one guy didn't see me as a "catch" as you put it, doesn't mean I wasn't one or that I had no value.

 

 

I'm am truly sorry that this guy hurt you but you have to start loving yourself. When you do that, you will heal.

 

 

Please stop thinking his opinion has any value.

 

Yeah, Heartbrokenandhurt! And Donnivan is married to a wonderful man now!

[BaileyB]

I've had plastic surgery since the break up. I'm planning to change more.

 

Oh goodness, please don't. Save yourself a ton of money and pain...

 

If you are not happy on the inside, you will never be happy with the outside. You can have all the plastic surgery you can afford, it won't bring you happiness and it won't bring you love.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This isn't about him OP. As I said awhile back, you don't care about him. You care about what he can do for you.

 

This is about you.

 

I agree. It's a pride issue. Her pride was hurt and that's usually a sign of having too much of it. If she solves that problem, she will begin to heal.

[Beachead]

I've had plastic surgery since the break up. I'm planning to change more.

 

I already work hard in my job. I present myself well. I'm sympathic and kind to people. I'm not overweight. My skin is good, I look after it. I style my hair. Not enough though is it.

 

It certainly got you a friend who you made such an impact on, that they were willing to take you out to a place that reminded you of your ex, just for the purpose of helping you heal. They're not doing that for them. They're doing that for you. Because they care for you. And because who you've been to them in your friendship, made doing that worth it for them.

 

That's pretty special OP. Do you see that?

Edited March 6, 2018 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

I've had plastic surgery since the break up. I'm planning to change more.

 

I already work hard in my job. I present myself well. I'm sympathic and kind to people. I'm not overweight. My skin is good, I look after it. I style my hair. Not enough though is it.

 

You sound like you have a lot going for you. Stop thinking his failure to recognize your value means you don't have value.

 

Only change if you want to change. Don't do it because you think somebody else wants you to.

[HiCrunchy]

Plastic surgery should only be done if it is something that will make you happy. Not to make others see your value. Thats a big no no.

 

People will always find something to pick at.

If you think plastic surgery will make you more "worthy" then you are going about this the wrong way.

 

Why not spend that money on a spa day instead?

[basil67]

I feel like if I were a 'catch', then I wouldn't be here. I could have the man I wanted. I feel like my worth IS not alot since he can't see it.

 

HB, are you aware that none of us has any kind of guarantee of getting the one person we want? When we don't get them (and I've missed out on a few, that's for sure!) we lick our wounds and leave them behind.

 

I'm wondering why you think you should have different outcomes in life to the rest of us. Not being mean. Hoping to prompt some self examination from you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

HB, are you aware that none of us has any kind of guarantee of getting the one person we want? When we don't get them (and I've missed out on a few, that's for sure!) we lick our wounds and leave them behind.

 

I'm wondering why you think you should have different outcomes in life to the rest of us. Not being mean. Hoping to prompt some self examination from you.

 

I'd definitely be interested in hearing more about other aspects of OP's life. Her upbringing, how many siblings, birth order, whether she ever was told "no" or had any other hardships in her life. It kinda sounds to me like OP's inability to get over this breakup stems from a lifetime of never having experienced NOT getting something she wants/needs.

 

Of course I coudl be totally off.

[HiCrunchy]

I'd definitely be interested in hearing more about other aspects of OP's life. Her upbringing, how many siblings, birth order, whether she ever was told "no" or had any other hardships in her life. It kinda sounds to me like OP's inability to get over this breakup stems from a lifetime of never having experienced NOT getting something she wants/needs.

 

Of course I coudl be totally off.

 

hmm I don't know if that is the case. I see myself in OP a lot and I have had a pretty strict and less than lavish upbringing. No was very, very, very common.

As for hardships, I think it depends on what that means.

I still have similar feelings for my ex, although I don't think I am feelings the same anguish and worthless anymore.

 

I still miss and love my ex (though my feelings aren't what they were right after the break up). I will cry when I think of him because I miss him. I am sad because he is gone and that I don't get to be with him anymore. I miss spending time with him, talking with him, affection, and I kinda wish he and I could be friends but he never actively tried to be friends. Now he's on the other side of the country, sigh~

 

I don't get any of this from the OP. She is more concerned about the rejection and being unwanted.

 

OP are you still in love with him or more concerned that he thinks you are worthless? I don't think I ever remember you saying you still love him. You are more concerned with the fact that he rejected you and that you can't the life you want. And your letting it eat you alive

Edited March 7, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Blanco]

I feel like if I were a 'catch', then I wouldn't be here.

 

I know you didn’t mean it this way, but this comment is an insult to pretty much every person here, since some instance of heartbreak and rejection brought most of us here.

[Beachead]

hmm I don't know if that is the case. I see myself in OP a lot and I have had a pretty strict and less than lavish upbringing. No was very, very, very common.

As for hardships, I think it depends on what that means.

I still have similar feelings for my ex, although I don't think I am feelings the same anguish and worthless anymore.

 

I still miss and love my ex (though my feelings aren't what they were right after the break up). I will cry when I think of him because I miss him. I am sad because he is gone and that I don't get to be with him anymore. I miss spending time with him, talking with him, affection, and I kinda wish he and I could be friends but he never actively tried to be friends. Now he's on the other side of the country, sigh~

 

I don't get any of this from the OP. She is more concerned about the rejection and being unwanted.

 

OP are you still in love with him or more concerned that he thinks you are worthless? I don't think I ever remember you saying you still love him. You are more concerned with the fact that he rejected you and that you can't the life you want. And your letting it eat you alive

 

Yea I agree. This is definitely not about him as it is more about her.

 

She's got things she needs to work out with a therapist. It's something she was probably feeling before she met him. Losing him was the cherry on top. Instead of fighting for herself, she got fed up and gave up because of all the bad things. Perhaps some of it was out of her control but as it wore her down, she became more negative and probably started to put herself in situations she shouldn't have gotten herself into which just spawed more bad things to happen which continued to affirmed the negative biases she thought about her life. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

The mind's powerful. You let those thoughts and feelings run wild on you, it could lead you right off of a cliff. It can make or break. If you allow yourself to get into a habit of seeing everything that's gone wrong, the mind will get used to it. If you work on seeing on opportunities and solutions, it'll get used to that as well. Ergo, meditation is needed. Physical activity too. Both will help.

 

And most importantly, what OP should be doing is finding the right therapist for her and putting some real work into retraining her mind back to health. I know she can do it but she's in denial. So her mind is closed off. Therefore, she can't work on what she is unwilling to acknowledge so she can't move forward. It is the only problem she has but it is a BIG one that could ultimately cost her her life (And I truly mean that out of concern).

 

Not much anyone can do for her if her ears are closed and her eyes are shut. I just hope she can figure it out for herself.

 

Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right. A nice quote by Henry Ford.

Edited March 7, 2018 by Beachead

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I have read responses and this is my take on it.

 

Yes I do love this man. I have never felt the way I do for him than anyone else. I still see things that remind me of him, whether thats a programme i'm watching, something that i'd love to buy him cause I know he'd like it. I wonder what hes doing, I miss our conversations. He is quite like myself personality wise in terms of humour and the way we think.

 

I am angry that I've never had a loving relationship. I'm nearly 28 years old. And i've always wanted to love and be loved. I've watched everyone around me get married off and be loved. But never myself. They find it so easy, whilst it seems impossible for me.

 

As I said before, I try. I take care of my apperance, not overweight. I'm good to friends and family. I work hard...

But my face is not attractive, my brows are asymetrical and my eyes are different shapes. Something I cannot control... but try to hide with my hair, always having bangs of some sort. I'm also told I look quite different without makeup, I presume in a negative way.

 

I wonder if my ex, over time, noticed these physical flaws and he lost interest. He never told me he thought I was unattractive... but did say a few times after the breakup 'You're beautiful and lovely but we didn't work out and I don't know why I lost feelings!' I believe that might be a cover up to soften the blow of what he really thought.

 

I can't get over the rejection because I believe it confirms to me that I really am not attractive. I know we can't all be. But its tough being one of the unlucky ones.

[BaileyB]

 

As I said before, I try. I take care of my apperance, not overweight. I'm good to friends and family. I work hard...

But my face is not attractive, my brows are asymetrical and my eyes are different shapes. Something I cannot control... but try to hide with my hair, always having bangs of some sort. I'm also told I look quite different without makeup, I presume in a negative way.

 

I can't get over the rejection because I believe it confirms to me that I really am not attractive. (

 

Everyone looks different without make-up... And not "in a negative way."

 

Hey - I don't believe myself to be particularly beautiful. I have a few extra pounds that I'm always trying to loose... My nose has a bump and I hate my side profile. One eye is larger than the other (as is the same for most people). And, my hair is naturally curly - I have hated it and I spend an inordinate amount of time straightening it every. single. day!

 

What I have learned from my boyfriend - it doesn't matter. Love doesn't care. The first time we went for a walk in the humidity and my hair was a frizzy mess when we got home, I was horrified... He laughed and said "hey, it's like that Friends episode. I didn't think that was a thing." His response, was love.

 

I'm not saying don't take care of yourself or try to look beautiful, because that will boost your confidence and make YOU feel better. But, your "perceived failings" in appearance are not the reason why your boyfriend left you... It is just another excuse to avoid dealing with the things that are more difficult.

[Foxy Knoxy]

I still pine everyday. I still hurt everyday. I can't visit places I've been with him... a friend suggested going out somewhere I had once been with him and I cancelled because I couldn't handle the thought of memories when I'm there. She doesn't know that's the reason... She thinks I should be over it and scolds me (softly) when I mention my hurt.

 

I feel like my life has been ruined by this. I Don't think I'll ever really be the same tbh. Why couldn't I have been loved.

 

You are choosing to live this way. Staying depressed over him keeps you connected to him, and I suspect that's a whole lot less scary to you than letting him go, because then he'll fade.

 

Ask me how I know.

 

But it's so beautiful letting someone go who didn't work in your life. If only you would take that chance to see. It's even more beautiful living for yourself and not waiting for someone to save you. We can't force you to recognize this - you have to take a deep breath and keep fighting.

 

You shouldn't have cancelled on your friend - you should have faced those memories head-on and talked to her about your struggles! If she's a real friend she will be there for you.

[Foxy Knoxy]

I have read responses and this is my take on it.

 

Yes I do love this man. I have never felt the way I do for him than anyone else. I still see things that remind me of him, whether thats a programme i'm watching, something that i'd love to buy him cause I know he'd like it. I wonder what hes doing, I miss our conversations. He is quite like myself personality wise in terms of humour and the way we think.

 

I am angry that I've never had a loving relationship. I'm nearly 28 years old. And i've always wanted to love and be loved. I've watched everyone around me get married off and be loved. But never myself. They find it so easy, whilst it seems impossible for me.

 

As I said before, I try. I take care of my apperance, not overweight. I'm good to friends and family. I work hard...

But my face is not attractive, my brows are asymetrical and my eyes are different shapes. Something I cannot control... but try to hide with my hair, always having bangs of some sort. I'm also told I look quite different without makeup, I presume in a negative way.

 

I wonder if my ex, over time, noticed these physical flaws and he lost interest. He never told me he thought I was unattractive... but did say a few times after the breakup 'You're beautiful and lovely but we didn't work out and I don't know why I lost feelings!' I believe that might be a cover up to soften the blow of what he really thought.

 

I can't get over the rejection because I believe it confirms to me that I really am not attractive. I know we can't all be. But its tough being one of the unlucky ones.

 

Even the most beautiful, wealthy, and successful women in Hollywood have men "fall out of love" with them every day.

 

If he left you because of your appearance - screw him, he's a shallow jerk.

 

But you know what ... It doesn't matter why he left. He's gone. Move forward.

[d0nnivain]

You shouldn't have cancelled on your friend - you should have faced those memories head-on and talked to her about your struggles! If she's a real friend she will be there for you.

 

Eh. I'm not gonna beat up Heartbrokenandhurt for avoiding a place laced with memories.

 

I had an EX who moved to Key West upon breaking up with me. I've only been there with him on vacation before we broke up. My EX died there. I have no desire to ever go there again.

 

I have other EXs who in my mind are connected to certain places. I tend to avoid those places. That is not to say I won't go there but if I have a choice between there & somewhere else, I'll usually pick the somewhere else.

 

My parents had "regular seats" at their club. After they died, I cannot bring myself to sit in those seats. Even 5, going on 6 years later, the memories are just too painful.

 

Not going somewhere is not so bad. Failing love herself & giving this EX so much power over her life are Heartbrokenandhurt's real problems. If she can find her own self worth again, the location issues will be less powerful. When I get stuck going to the places associated with my EXs, now all these years later, the memories are bittersweet not as painful.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

your "perceived failings" in appearance are not the reason why your boyfriend left you...

 

Yes. This. You're focusing your energy on the wrong things.

 

Also, was this man really that shallow that you think he broke up with you because your face is asymmetrical? (By the way, while we're on the topic, mine is VERY asymmetrical, too! Eyebrows are totally uneven, and don't get me started on my jawline!)

[stillafool]

Heartbroken, what happened to cause the breakup of your relationship you were in before this guy? How long did it take you to get over him and how long were you two a couple?

[Foxy Knoxy]

Everyone looks different without make-up... And not "in a negative way."

 

Hey - I don't believe myself to be particularly beautiful. I have a few extra pounds that I'm always trying to loose... My nose has a bump and I hate my side profile. One eye is larger than the other (as is the same for most people). And, my hair is naturally curly - I have hated it and I spend an inordinate amount of time straightening it every. single. day!

 

What I have learned from my boyfriend - it doesn't matter. Love doesn't care. The first time we went for a walk in the humidity and my hair was a frizzy mess when we got home, I was horrified... He laughed and said "hey, it's like that Friends episode. I didn't think that was a thing." His response, was love.

 

I'm not saying don't take care of yourself or try to look beautiful, because that will boost your confidence and make YOU feel better. But, your "perceived failings" in appearance are not the reason why your boyfriend left you... It is just another excuse to avoid dealing with the things that are more difficult.

 

I love this!

 

I'm physically ... not memorable. Haha. Just average. In great light with perfect clothing, awesome hair day, and good sleep, I could pass for cute.

 

My husband adores me anyways. He thinks I am beautiful and sexy. We have a life together, memories, and I couldn't care less that the vast majority of men who look my way don't see me or only see a sister-type.

 

Hell, I even had a past boyfriend tell me "You're not even that attractive but I like your personality anyways" (KICKED to the curb fast, but that's a whole other can of worms)

 

If you think your looks are what matters you will only attract people who put way too much value on looks. They will sense it and they will also take advantage of it.